Back in the day, Matt and I started a Fifty Shades of Grey drinking game for the books. For some reason we only did one for chapters 1-10, but since the books basically just repeated themselves for thousands of pages, the rules mostly applied throughout the entire thing.

Now that the film is out, we thought a drinking game might be really helpful for getting through the traumatically dull experience of watching two hours of Christian and Ana saying each other’s names when they’re not having the same “edgy” sex over and over again until even the film even starts interchanging the objects Christian touches Ana with when she’s blindfolded (watch as the riding crop turns into a peacock feather!)

Fifty Shades of Drinking Game

1) Seriously, drink every time Ana and Christian say one another’s name. Writing the screenplay for this film would be incredibly easy – when in doubt, just have Ana breathe, “Christian!” or have Christian growl, “Ana!”

2) Any time they fly around in a plane/glider.

3) Each time a spank is administered.

4) When Ana rolls her eyes.

5) When Ana bites her bottom lip.

6) Weird closeups of hands.

7) Every time Christian appears out of thin air.

8) Every time Ana is startled by Christian appearing out of thin air.

9) When Mia has a scene – haha just kidding you’d have like a half a sip of wine. I was surprised they didn’t just cut her off in the middle of her one line.

10) Every time Ana declines offers of food/ignores the food in front of her.

11) Any time a parent shows up and is bland and unmemorable. Here, I’ll sum up all their lines for you in one sentence. “Hi, I’m {main character’s name’s} {mom or dad or stepdad}, I’m really intrigued by my {son or daughter’s} significant other. Nice to meet you, {other main character’s name}.”

12) Whenever Christian could be confused for a serial killer.

13) Drink when Christian/Dornan says a line that’s meant to be serious or sexy but actually just makes you burst out laughing.

14) When you see pubic hair.

15) When you see Ana’s boobs.

16) When Christian takes his shirt off.

17) When creepy music plays during a scene that is supposed to be sexy.

18) When Ana says, “I’m having computer problems” but what she actually means is, “I don’t own a laptop, don’t have an email address and have never used Google. What even is a Netflix?”

19)  When Christian plays piano in the moonlight.

20) Every time you can tell that Johnson and Dakota wish they were anywhere but in this movie.

21) When Christian gives Ana a present, and it’s just way too much, please stop.

22) Whenever you’re just like, “Why? Why is this relationship happening? I don’t get it at all.” Which is not the same as the general wonderment that this movie was made in the first place. Which is not the same as complete and utter confusion over the fact that this was just the first of a fucking trilogy.

Please add your suggestions in the comments, as with the differences between the book and the movie post, I’m happy to update the post and of course give credit where credit is due.

Also please do not play the drinking game with every single number on this list. Or you will die a very alcoholic death.