Beautiful Oblivion Chapter 23

“Even for just a few classes, midterms were kicking my ass. Kody, Raegan, Gruber, Blia, and I were all studying at the Red before it got busy or when it was slow, and Trenton was helping me study at Skin Deep. ”

Oh man, one of Cami’s challenges that is never mentioned continues to be a challenge. I know Cami has mentioned a couple of times that she has to study between jobs or if she has a free moment at Skin Deep, but to be honest I never actually have registered the fact that she’s in school. What classes is she even in? She never mentions classes, just the work that supposedly comes from them. [Matthew says: Strangely, I actually find this bit of information fascinating. Blia got into a college?]

To be fair, though, if Blia is going to the same school, the academics can’t be all that rigorous. “Holy monkey’s ass in a church, these classes sure are hard as a frog’s uncle!” [Matthew says: I swear I wrote my joke before I noticed Ariel ALSO made a “wait, Blia in higher education?” joke. Does anyone else really wanna know what Blia is majoring in? I bet she’s a political science major. She’s probably gonna be a senator.]

Raegan’s epic love story continues to happen off-screen and to achieve its usual level of compelling:

If Kody wasn’t spending the night at our apartment, Raegan was at his. After the first few days of are we or aren’t we? they picked up where they’d left off, and I’d never seen Raegan so happy.

Does anyone else feel as sorry for Kody as I do? The only way I can possibly interpret his story is that Raegan dumped him for another guy [Matthew says: Specifically, her ex], pined over her, and she got back together with him only after the other guy hurt her [Matthew says: Many times.]. Doesn’t exactly look like the happiest of endings from where I’m standing. [Matthew says: The point of this subplot was definitely supposed to be “OMG Raegan, look at your life! Look at your choices!”, but I’m way more concerned about Kody’s decision-making abilities by this point.]

At Trent’s, Cami gives us tedious details of their sleeping arrangements:

Alternating between big spoon and little spoon as we turned from one side to the other had become a nightly ritual. I was more comfortable sleeping on my right side, and Trenton was more comfortable on his left, so we tossed and turned a lot.

I never thought I’d say this, but that paragraph about Raegan and Kody was more interesting than this. That sentence shouldn’t have been more interesting than anything. 

Not interested in Trenton and Cami’s cuddling problems? Let’s discuss Trenton’s room decor and get confused about the book’s timeline together:

His white walls were broken up by old bronze framed family pictures, portraits of his mother, and many snapshots of us: at the Red Door, at Skin Deep, and the ridiculous shot of us celebrating the completion of my sixth tattoo, an intricate peacock with deep yellows, blues, greens, reds, and purples, spanning from my hip to midrib.

When has Cami been getting all of these tattoos? At the start of this chapter, I know she’s mentioned Spring Break is approaching and the last chapter mentioned Valentines Day…so did we skip ahead a couple of months and that’s when Cami’s meant to have gotten all these tattoos? I feel awful that we weren’t there to stop her from getting a peacock tattoo and I dread to think what the other tattoos are. [Matthew says: Is this going to be our only reference to why there’s a fucking peacock on the cover of this book? I guess it makes as much sense as the butterfly on the other ones, but surely she got a more meaningful tattoo than this one.]

Cami mentions that even though she’s paid for her brother’s recovery program (I had completely forgotten that’s why she took the second job), she’s still working there to get free tattoos. “But, truthfully, Trenton would have done them for free, anyway—a perk of being the artist’s girlfriend.” She doesn’t actually offer any real reason for the second job, but I’m going to go ahead and assume it’s to spend time with Trent/have some extra cash.

Now it’s time for Trenton to be the worst in multiple ways (also, there’s some Abby fanservice in there because I guess there are Abby fans out there somewhere in some forgotten corners of the Earth):

“Don’t forget,” he said.

“I know. Travis’s fight could be at any time, and you have to go the moment he calls to keep an eye on Abby.”

“I hope that scumbag who attacked her last time shows his face. He’ll wish it was Travis beating on him instead.”

“If you beat him any worse than Travis did, you’ll kill him. So let’s hope he doesn’t show.”

“You can have my apartment while I’m in jail.”

I rolled my eyes. “How about you just not go to jail? I’m kind of liking the way things are.”

Typical excessive Maddox violence? Check.

“He looked up at me. “You are?”

“Immensely.”

“I’ve got a key with your name on it.”

“It’s too early, baby, don’t start,” I groaned.”

Compulsive need to demand relationship moves faster even when it is progressing nicely? Check.

He sat up. “One of these days I’m going to quit asking, and you’ll miss it.”

“I doubt it.”

“You doubt that I’ll quit asking, or that you’ll miss it.”

“Both.”

He frowned. “That’s not nice.”

Emotional manipulation? Check.

I looked at my watch. “We’ve got work in a couple of hours.”

“No, we don’t. I asked off.”

“Okay, then. I have work in a couple of hours.”

“I asked off for both of us.”

Taking major liberties because he perceives himself to be the all-powerful man in the relationship? Of course! CHECK AWAY. Cami finally flips the fuck out on him, and I’m completely with her on this one. I’m not with her on the whole being in love with Trenton thing, but we can’t win them all.

“You can’t take my hours and not ask me, Trenton. And Cal shouldn’t let you pull that shit, either.”

I’m so glad she’s calling out Cal on this as well, because he’s terrible. On one hand, though, if I were in his position I might just assume that Cami had asked Trenton to call out on behalf of both of them to save a wasted phone call, but still! He’s a dick usually!

Cami explains, quite reasonably, that she likes working, it’s her money, and when Trent offers to call Cal to tell him Cami’s coming in, she points out again that she can do this herself and would prefer it. It was crossing a line to do this without her permission. So what does Trent do in response?

“I’m not mad. I’m fucking furious. This is exactly why I don’t want to move in with you, Trenton. You don’t get to run my life.”

“I’m not trying to run your life! I was trying to do something nice!”

“Okay, but do you understand why I think you crossed the line?”

“No, I think you’re overreacting.”

It’s all well and good that he was trying to do something nice, but to not even try to see why his nice gesture could have pissed Cami off pretty much sums up everything that’s happened in this whole book. Trenton has learned a grand total of 0 lessons from his behaviour, and it’s because Cami never actually follows through on her anger. She tells him she doesn’t want to go on a date with him, he guilt trips her/tricks her/won’t leave and she goes along with it while putting on a show of huffing and puffing. So in a situation like this, why would he even take her anger seriously? There are never any real consequences for his actions. [Matthew says: I wonder if any Men’s Rights Activists are super into these books. Except they probably wouldn’t pick them up because, like, a chick wrote them. This is a more tragic missed connection than any of the almost-missed connections in this book.]

If you thought he couldn’t be worse, let me prove you maddeningly wrong:

I sighed. “I’m leaving. Move your hand.”

He didn’t.

“Trenton, please move your hand. I want to go home.”

He winced. “Home. This is your home. You’ve been here all week. You’ve loved it! I don’t know why you’re being so goddamn stubborn about it. You were thinking about moving to Califuckingfornia with the douche canoe in less time than we’ve been together!”

There is a lot to unpack here, but I’d like to start with “douche canoe.” What in the fucking world does this mean? Jamie McGuire, no one is using this term, no one will be using this term, please never again, you… douche canoe.

More importantly, “This is your home. You’ve been here all week”? How can he not finish that sentence and immediately say, “Oh, shit, yup I’m a fucking moron. Please be on your way so I can sort my shit out before you get home from work.”

Things somehow deteriorate even further. 

“T.J. lived in his apartment for two years! He was a little more stable!”

Trenton’s mouth fell open, looking like I’d shot him. “Damn, babe. Don’t hold back.”

I cringed. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.”

He took a step toward me, and I flinched. As bad as the comparison to T.J. wounded him, my tiny reflex hurt him even worse.

He spoke low and slow. “I would never hit you.”

“I know. It was just out of habit . . . I . . .”

He walked away from me, went into the bedroom, and slammed the door. My shoulders jerked up to my ears, and I closed my eyes.”

Cami. Girl. Real talk, you need to run from this dude. He has to make every one of your problems about him, then twist them to make you feel bad so he never has to address all the things he’s done wrong. What Cami said about T.J. didn’t really make much sense, but even if it did and it hurt Trent a bit, that’s not a fair reason to suddenly make her the bad guy here. And to then take her flinching as this huge offense that causes him to storm off is pretty awful.

[Matthew says: Once again, the ONE LINE that these books would never cross is physical abuse! Because true love means putting up with literally any emotional abuse, you know! JUST NOT HITTING. Why the fuck is Trenton getting all indignant about that? Is it really such a stretch to imagine that this alcoholic manchild who gets into fights with strangers in bars, not to mention threatens fights with strangers in restaurants in front of their children, might make the leap from emotionally manipulating and controlling every aspect of his girlfriend’s life to beating her? I don’t think we can just assume that’s the one line he’d never cross, y’all.]

After a few quiet seconds, a loud noise came from behind his door, like he had pushed the dresser over, but I couldn’t tell for sure.

I would never hit you!!! But I will fucking knock a dresser over. Doesn’t that make you feel safer, Cami?

At work, Cami feels bad because it’s really slow, and she realizes that Trent wanted them to take off work because he knew how bored they’d be! Cami quickly realizes that she was wrong, and her woman-brain should have just trusted her man. Never mind that Trent could have just explained this to her and made sure if it was cool/that she didn’t want the money. Because remember, Cami told him that she wanted the money during their fight, not that she was looking forward to a stimulating day on the job.

Cami fills Hazel in on what’s going on, and she insists that Trenton made a good point when he said Cami was about to move in with T.J. but not him. Jesus Christ, what is wrong with these people?

After work, Trenton drives up before heading to Travis’ fight (Cami has a weird feeling about him going, which means it’s definitely the fight where the big fire happens! Lantern attack!) He tells her he’s a fuckup, but that’s he’s going to fix things between them.

It was warm, and I hugged my steering wheel, overcome with affection for the man who always took such good care of me.

Please, will you all join me in a moment of vomiting?

If you think it’s astounding that Jamie McGuire’s had this much success writing the same college drama-comedy romance centering around the same handful of plot points three times, remember that one of those thrice-used scenes is dozens of nameless college students dying in a fire. Because nothing says “college romantic comedy!” like “tragic fire claiming a ton of innocent lives”. Three times. [Ariel says: But, Matthew, the romance stakes have never been higher! Forget all the people that died tragically in this fire, everyone else has three times.] 

Beautiful Oblivion Chapter 24

Cami and Raegan are working in the bar, lamenting that it’s totally dead because the school’s underground fight club steals all their clientele whenever there’s a fight.

If you’re reading Beautiful Oblivion, it’s basically guaranteed you’ve read Beautiful Disaster, so you’ve been waiting for the fire to happen. In the back of your head, you’ve known that the tonally-jarring fire is inevitably coming. Or, if you’re writing this story, you’re gonna play this for irony.

“Everyone is gone. It’s a goddamn tragedy,” Raegan said. “Those damn fights.”

Hahaha, irony! It’s funny because dozens of people are about to asphyxiate to death. [Ariel says: This really pissed me off because it was like Jamie McGuire just popped her stupid head into my living room to be like, “Hold your horses, you silly reader, you. No one’s actually died in the fire you’ve been expecting…yet ;)”]

Technically, there is also tragic irony, which was possibly the book’s intention. But keep in mind how delicately that depends on things like tone, which this book pretty much threw out the window with this whole fire business in the first place.

But soon enough, news catches up to them about the fire. This is an incredibly serious, incredibly tragic event in the story.

Naturally, this is a great time to use the comic relief character.

Blia ran in, holding up her phone. “Holy fuck balls! It’s all over Facebook!” she cried. “Keaton Hall is burning!”

Because nothing says “appropriate time for comic relief” like “people are dying in a burning building”!

[Hank] switched channels until the news came on. […] Smoke was billowing from Keaton and terrified students were running across the lawn. The caption read Amateur Video Taken by Cell Phone

Why doesn’t the news have camera there? Why are they using amateur cell phone video of a live event? How are they using amateur cell phone video of a live event? Is this video somehow streaming from this cell phone directly to the station, who have the capabilities to organize that but not to get their own cameras to the event?

The others try to stop Cami from going to Keaton, telling her she can’t go into a burning building and taking her phone to call Trenton first, whose number for some reason she has memorized instead of actually saved into her phone.

Raegan took the phone from me.
“What’s his number?”
“Four-oh-two-one-four-four-eight,” I said

But when Trenton doesn’t pick up his phone, she gets out and drives to campus, where she sees students “screaming and crying” and “dozens of bodies […] lying in a line”, unable to find Trenton or, worse, Trenton’s body.

Also, Cami’s cell phone has magically teleported to back into her possession.

My cell phone rang, and I nearly dropped it trying to get it to my ear. “Hello?” I cried.
“Cami?” Raegan said. “Stay put! Trent is on his way to you!”

Because it sure sounds like she ran out of the bar without her cell phone.

We waited. No one moved. No one spoke. Raegan’s eyes danced around until they finally settled on me. She shook her head.
I didn’t wait to give them a chance to restrain me again. I sprinted for the entrance and burst through the double doors, to my Jeep.

Trenton and Cami reunite after literally a single page of tension, where he also reveals that Travis and Abby are alive too, then they go back to her apartment.

Just to really drive home how pointless and ineffective it is to decide to end your story with a scene that tragically kills off dozens of minor and/or nameless characters, Cami and Raegan lament the death of a completely unrecognizable character.

She looked everywhere but into my eyes. “Baker’s mom was just interviewed. He didn’t make it.”

Wanna know how many times Baker has been mentioned in this book before? Twice.

Wanna know what Baker’s only line of dialogue was? “Hey, sexy.” Yep, I’m really feeling the tragic loss of life, Beautiful Oblivion. You know, as soon I looked up who this character was.

Something arguably even more pointless happens: an unknown number calls Trenton’s phone, but then hangs up.

“It’s just a number.”
“Local?” I asked. It rang a third time. He nodded. “Answer it.”
He held the phone to his ear, hesitant. “Hello?” After a short pause, he lowered the phone to his lap. “Too late.”

Then the story skips to everyone going to bed. Too bad if you want to have any idea why the fuck this was important to include in the story, because we’re not gonna get to it until halfway through the next scene.

Speaking of the next scene, I am certain this could have been worded better.

Trenton ran his fingers through my hair. “I left her,” he said.
I sat up. “Who?”

Trenton then tells the story of how, while trying to escape the fire, they got separated from Travis, and then ran into a bunch of other lost students, whom Trenton then helped find their way out of the building, which somehow involved abandoning Abby in their in-progress plan to escape. Look, I don’t know how I’d act in mortal peril, and it probably would not be rationally, but I don’t understand how Trenton was only able to help these people also do what he was trying to do by abandoning his current attempt to do so. “Sorry, Abby! I have to go do exactly what we were doing, but without you! Good luck not dying in a fire!”

[Ariel says: I also got the sense that McGuire had been wringing her hands, fretting that we’d all have this major bias against Trenton because of how he left Abby in the fire? Little did she know, we’d actually be poised to hate him because he’s a Maddox.]

Speaking of things that don’t make sense, only now do Trenton and Cami think, “Wait, maybe we should call back that unknown number that called us on this tragic night of tragedy”. Turns out it’s fanservice! [Ariel says: HANG UP IMMEDIATELY! WE DON’T WANT ANY!]

Trenton seemed confused and surprised at the same time. “Abby? Is everything okay? […] What is that noise? Are you in an arcade?”

So you remember that Abby and Travis got married in Vegas after the fire because they felt alive or whatever?

“There were a lot of people at the fight last night. A lot of people died. Someone has got to go to prison for it. […] I asked Travis to marry me.”
“Uh . . .” Trenton said, he looked to me again. My eyebrows shot up halfway to my hairline. “Okay, how in the hell is that going to help him?” […]
They were going to get married, hoping it was just crazy enough that the investigators would believe that Travis was in Vegas instead of at Keaton Hall. My heart broke for them. […]
“He would want you to marry him because you want to. If he ever found out, it’d break his heart.”

So I only read the book that was from Travis’s perspective (Walking Disaster), and this is completely unfamiliar to me. I don’t know if Abby is only giving Trenton part of the story (given Jamie McGuire’s usual storytelling prowess, this isn’t exactly out-of-line), but the fact that Abby’s secret is literally never mentioned in Travis’s story is… sort of mega fucked up? [Ariel says: If we bothered to read that other companion novel Stupid Wedding or whatever, I’m pretty sure this was revealed there.]

And Travis never found out that his wife only married him to give him a wafer-thin alibi. THE END.

Trenton and Cami are – sort of to their credit – mad depressed about this turn of events. Much less to their credit is the conversation this somehow naturally leads into.

He leaned his head back against the headboard, and closed his eyes. “I’m going to marry you someday.”

It actually manages to get significantly dumber. Significantly.

I smiled. “When pigs fly.”
He shrugged. “I can put a pig on a plane. No problem.”
“Okay, when you dance around in a thong to Britney Spears in front of your dad. That’s when we’ll get married.”

Well, that sounds like an oddly-specific wacky happening that would totally never happen as a way to end this book.

He took in a long, deep breath, and then blew it out. “Challenge accepted.”

This is the same chapter that began with dozens of people dying in a fire.

Question of the Day: We only have one week left of Beautiful Oblivion! The nightmare is almost over! So Ariel and I have been planning on returning to the world of Crossfire, since there’s now a fourth book, Captivated by You, (I would know… there are ads all over the fucking New York subway). Are we correctly assuming everyone is interested in the next stop on that shit train? [Ariel says: Gideon’s point of view is in this one (he and Eva alternate every chapter. So there is even more misogyny to enjoy, guys! Ain’t it grand?]

Just in case you had any doubt that there isn’t much in the way of recurring themes in my reading list, here’s some historical non-ficion.

Founding Brothers

If you want to read about Revolutionary War-era history, but without actually touching that Revolutionary War thing.

I typically read nonfiction on the subway during my commute. Sometimes it gets tricky, though, like with Founding Brothers, which really likes to flesh out these people from the time period which have basically been diluted into mere characters throughout history.

Skipping over the Revolution entirely, the content mostly focuses on the issues dividing the nation while they were trying to actually create it. It was weirdly comforting to know that there was basically always a two party system tearing the country apart, and Founding Brothers really tries to dig into what created those different beliefs, rather than simply go over what they were, who pushed for what, and who won. As political concessions went back and forth, I was really feeling the frustrations of whoever was losing political ground that chapter, even if I wasn’t so sure I agreed with their politics. Maybe it’s because the American Revolution works nicely as a single, thematic focal point, in contrast to the utter clusterfuck of stuff whenever I try reading about politics closer to present day.

Perhaps unsurprisingly (to anyone familiar with the rest of this blog), reading about the period’s apparently sole notable woman, Abigail Adams, was a highlight. It benefits extensively from Ellis’s almost postmodern style of jumping around all over the place without really telling the reader why, so she gets to be a recurring figure. And that was nice, because I liked seeing her pop up holding her political own in one place and then having her surprisingly touching love with her husband in others. And then seeing her lay some serious smack down on Thomas Jefferson. Maybe what I really want is just a book about women writing scathing letters to men throughout history. Does that book exist? I want to read it.

On that note, there’s also Ellis’s explanation at the beginning, basically saying, yes, history is mostly just a bunch of white men, and, yes, there’s not much we can do about that. He gets a little unapologetic about it all, which wasn’t quite necessary (“In my opinion, the central events and achievements of the revolutionary era and the early republic were political”, yes, that is how social power works in a cultural context, now, isn’t it?), but it does almost unintentionally provide a nice thought: maybe all books should start with a disclaimer that there are other books that aren’t just about white men.

Can You Explain It In Terms Of Other Books We Read On This Blog?

Ok, sure, it looks like I got myself pretty stuck with this one pretty quickly. It’s a non-fiction account of the years following the American Revolution. It does seem that there would be basically nothing that the books we read on this blog have in common with a book that basically just repeatedly describes how super duper awesome some men are.

Wait, that’s every book we read on this blog.

Reading this book is sort of like reading any scene praising the glorious and magnificent achievements and abilities of your Christian Greys, your Gideon Crosses, your Travis Maddoxes, and your Four/Tobiases. Except you know what it doesn’t do? It doesn’t do this totally blind to their faults. Nor does it constantly rationalize or forgive them. So if you’re gonna write something praising a man, maybe recognize that their faults are not endearing, and might even piss a lot of people off.

And Also Currently Listening

Honestly, I wrote a “What We’re Actually Reading” post this week more so that I could freak out about the new Mountain Goats song than to talk about a book I read recently. Last week they announced their new album, which is entirely going to be entirely based on pro wrestling, because why the hell not. Extra weird for me (probably not for many people) was how much this actually reminded me of mid-90s Barenaked Ladies (it’s particularly reminiscent in places of “Shoebox“), since Barenaked Ladies were my favorite band for a long, long time before I came across the Mountain Goats. Full circle, huh?

There was a pretty interesting piece on The AV Club recently about Rancid‘s fourth album, Life Won’t Wait. Rancid is a band I’ve liked since my later years of high school, when I like to think that my musical tastes were getting slightly more respectable, but I never really got that into Life Won’t Wait. Probably because it strays pretty far from what pre-twenties me thought about punk music. The piece inspired me to give it another listen last week, though, and I really got into it. Probably not surprisingly, almost especially the songs that would have alienated a younger me, like the dub-experiment, “Crane Fist”.

I also finally got around to listening to the new Flying Lotus album, which is delightfully all over the place. I only gave it a distracted first listen this week, but it offered plenty of reasons to come back, like this fantastic, funky number with Kendrik Lamar. I love how that tiny little piano comes in, briefly guiding the drums, bass, and vocals flying all around it.

Insurgent Chapter 34

When we last left off, Tris was making Jeanine feel really bad about herself, so Jeanine retaliates by deciding to just execute Tris tomorrow instead of waiting until she has the magical anti-Divergent serum ready. I am pleased with this turn of events because it means the villain is actually doing something villainous that I understand for a change.

“Your execution has been scheduled for tomorrow morning at eight o’clock.”

“My execution? But she … she hasn’t developed the right simulation yet; she couldn’t possibly …”

“She said that she will continue the experiments on Tobias instead of you,” he says.”

All I can say is: “Oh.”

Makes sense to me! For once, maybe the Big Bad will just kill the hero without giving a belaboured speech or finding a stupid reason to keep them alive. Evil Tris sort of admits that there isn’t much for her left to do plot-wise:

Tomorrow my life will be over. Tobias may survive long enough to escape in the factionless invasion. The Dauntless will elect a new leader.

All the loose ends I will leave will be easily tied up.

Tris, what you listed weren’t even really loose ends. If you died right now, I would not be like, “Who is going to lead the Dauntless into more train jumping?” [Matthew says: I feel like this was a writing exercise that accidentally stayed in the book. “What loose ends are there if the main character died right now? Well… uh… oh shit.”]

For some reason, Tris trying to come to terms with this new reality means reaching out to Peter?

“I could have forgiven you, you know,” I say. “For trying to kill me during initiation. I probably could have.”

Footage not found anywhere in this book. I think she mostly attacked Peter and he was mostly a dick, so when would there have been an opening for forgiveness? There was literally never even a brief moment or a glimmer of a sliver of a chance for Tris to consider a world in which she forgave Peter, so why is this…oh. Oh fuck this. I see what you’re trying to do book. PETER IS ONE OF THE SPIES INSIDE ERUDITE. I actually think this was the moment Veronica Roth decided he was the spy.

We are both quiet for a while. I don’t know why I told him that. Maybe just because it’s true, and tonight, of all nights, is the time for honesty.

Tonight I will be honest, and selfless, and brave. Divergent.

“I never asked you to,” he says, and turns to leave. But then he stops at the door frame and says, “It’s 9:24.”

Telling me the time is a small act of betrayal—and therefore an ordin-ary act of bravery. It is maybe the first time I’ve seen Peter be truly Dauntless.”

He told her the time, you guys. He has a secret heart of gold. Fangirls everywhere are weeping tears of pathetic joy. [Matthew says: I’m sure there are a billion Tumblr posts fawning over the time Peter told Tris the time. HE’S SO MISUNDERSTOOD.]

If Tris is making a big fucking deal over Peter graciously telling her the time, he must be about to save her life during the execution. I know I’m jumping ahead of myself, but there is a massive, neon sign hanging over this chapter saying, “PETER: NOT TOTALLY EVIL. VACANCIES, INQUIRE INSIDE.”

But what made me laugh the most was Tris’ train of thought in this scene. “Peter told me the time. It was the only time he was ever truly Dauntless.” Amazing. I was Dauntless like six times today.

So now that Tris knows the time, she cries herself to sleep basically and thinks her parents would be proud that she’s dying like an Abnegation would by “turning away from myself, projecting always outward, and hoping that in whatever is next, I will be better than I am now.” Which I guess is a good a way as any to go out.

Chapter 35

The next day, before her execution is scheduled, Peter shows Tris another small act of kindness – he lets her say goodbye to Fourbias. This one is a significant step up from telling the time, but Tris does not comment on how Dauntless it is.

“I want to … her!” Tobias. “I … see her!” I glance at Peter. “I can’t speak to him one last time, can I?” Peter shakes his head. “There’s a window, though. Maybe if he sees you he’ll finally shut up.”

I’m always dreaming up ways to get Fourbias to shut up, so these words are especially poignant for me. [Matthew says: This chapter is doing a surprisingly good job of making us warm up to Peter.]

“Tris!” Tobias’s voice is even clearer here. “I want to see her!” I reach up and press my palm to the glass. The shouts stop, and his face appears behind the glass. His eyes are red; his face, blotchy.

Handsome. He stares down at me for a few seconds and then presses his hand to the glass so it lines up with mine. I pretend I can feel the warmth of it through the window.

God forbid we think even distraught Tobias isn’t super handsome. What would the fangirls do besides move onto Peter? [Matthew says: HE GAVE ME THE TIME. AND I GAVE HIM MY HEART.]

I don’t know where the pounding starts, but someone drums their fists against the wall, and someone else joins in, and I walk down the aisle between solemn-but-raucous Dauntless traitors, their hands in motion at their sides. The pounding is so fast my heart races to keep up with it.

Some of the Dauntless traitors incline their heads to me—I’m not sure why. It doesn’t matter.

The thing is, it probably doesn’t matter, which makes it all the more confusing unless they’re the ones that are actually loyal Dauntless spies. Also, why are they all pounding their fists on the wall?

Okay, I’m not even going to try to draw this out. Basically, for some reason that I can’t fucking explain at all, Peter is entrusted to be Jeanine’s right-hand man as she injects the, you guessed it, death serum.

“The serum will go into effect in one minute,” he says. “Be brave, Tris.” The words startle me, because that is exactly what Tobias said when he put me under my first simulation.

My heart begins to race.

Why would Peter tell me to be brave? Why would he offer any kind words at all?

All the muscles in my body relax at once. A heavy, liquid feeling fills my limbs. If this is death, it isn’t so bad. My eyes stay open, but my head drops to the side. I try to close my eyes, but I can’t—I can’t move.

Then the heart monitor stops beeping.

SEE PETER IS ACTUALLY A GOOD GUY CUZ HE TOLD TRIS TO BE BRAVE. Although, I really don’t understand why he is apparently Jeanine’s most trusted person on the team. Nor do I understand how Jeanine isn’t going to like triple check that Tris is really dead. Like an actual smart person/top notch villain would.

So you guys heard about the all-female Ghostbusters reboot? I’m like one of four people in the world who doesn’t like Ghostbusters, so that was pretty much the only thing that could have piqued my interest.

I look forward to reading zero comments about Divergent and a thousand comments about how I don’t like Ghostbusters.

Insurgent Chapter 36

But I’m still breathing.

Oh phew! Tris didn’t just die partway into the book! That would be weird!

Peter pushes my eyelids over my eyes. Does he know I’m not dead? Does Jeanine? Can she see me breathing?
“Take the body to the lab,” Jeanine says. “The autopsy is scheduled for this afternoon.”

So that would be a “no”, then.

Peter takes the still unconscious Tris to an unknown room, conveniently talking out loud to himself just in case we’re not sure he’s switched sides in his enemy’s HQ.

“For someone so small, you’re heavy, Stiff,” he mutters.
He knows I’m awake. He knows.

Suddenly, Tris overhears Four. Peter gives Four his gun because he’s a better shot, while he carries Tris in their run to safety.

Ok, so, let’s think about this for a second. This isn’t really a huge surprise, since Peter’s main role in the narrative thus far has been “just be there”, and while it’s possible that a book can make the mistake of introducing a constantly recurring character who literally does nothing, that’s more so the befuddling exception than the rule. I don’t think anyone’s particularly surprised that Peter turned out to be Tris and Four’s means of escape. So we’re going to skip ahead to covering his surprising motivations for helping them!

The surprise is that it doesn’t make much rational sense, which by Divergent-standards is like saying that the ocean is surprisingly splashy.

[H]e opens his mouth, hesitates, and finally says, “I can’t be in anyone’s debt. Okay? The idea that I owed you something made me sick. […] Indebted to a Stiff? It’s ridiculous.” […]
“You’re insane,” says Tobias. “That’s not the way the world works . . . with everyone keeping score.”
“It’s not?” Peter raises his eyebrows. “I don’t know what world you live in, but in mine, people only do things for you for one of two reasons. The first is if they want something in return. And the second is if they feel like they owe you something.”
“Those aren’t the only reasons people do things for you,” I say.

Yeah, Tris! You tell this fool that-

“Sometimes they do them because they love you.”

Okay, maybe not you, Tris.

Honestly, though, I don’t even hate it. We’ve been so starved for anything interesting to happen in this story that I guess this is the bar now. It could be worse. Sure, the bar is so low that whatever the hell we just read actually qualifies as a morally grey, complicated character, but at least we’re spending some time with the only character who hates being in this book as much as I hate reading it.

[He] touches his lips to mine. I curl my fingers into his shirt.
“Unless you want me to throw up all over you guys, you might want to save it for later.”

Which is a good segue back into how boring these people are. First, we have Tris, telling the reader how to react to every single event that happens in a story about the evils of mass-conformity.

I was almost dead, but instead I am alive. Because of Peter.
Of all people.

And second, we have Four, who – if there’s anything nice to say about this book – at least tends to sound as annoying and stupid as a believable teenager.

“Got that gun?” Peter says to Tobias.
“No,” says Tobias, “I figured I would shoot the bullets out of my nostrils, so I left it upstairs.”

Apparently today’s criticism of a young adult dystopian novel can be written largely with Downton Abbey quotes, so there’s that.

Although for something genuinely nice to say, the book does have its moments where it subtly details Tris’s PTSD without falling into its usual tendency to be incredibly on the nose.

His face blank, he puts one arm around the corner, steadying it with the building wall, and fires twice. I shove my fingers in my ears and try not to pay attention to the gunshots and what they make me remember.

Not to say that it doesn’t get incredibly on-the-nose a few paragraphs later.

“Take the least logical route!” shouts Tobias.
“What?” Peter says.
“The least logical route,” Tobias says. “So they won’t find us!”

Like the bulk of Insurgent, Tris, Tobias, and Peter escape without anything to get particularly tense about. Unless you count continuity errors.

I look over my shoulder to see what Tobias shot at, and see two men on the ground behind Erudite headquarters. One isn’t moving, and the other is clutching his arm and running toward the door. They will send others after us.

Wait, isn’t this exactly how Tris figured out that she was in a simulation like three chapters ago? Because simulation-Tobias shot two people but didn’t hit one of them fatally, and Tris knew that IRL Tobias was too awesome to miss like that? Isn’t this exactly like that?

Tobias fires twice in a matter of seconds, both hits, one in the head and one in the chest. The woman, who was hit in the chest, slumps against the wall but doesn’t die. […]
I know that if he can throw a knife so that it hits just the tip of my ear, he can fire accurately at the Dauntless soldiers who ambush us. […]
“We can’t get out of here,” I say. “Because this is a simulation.”

How is this different?

They hide in a building and eventually get back to the Abnegation sector, because they’ve been literally everywhere else in post-apocalypse Chicago in this novel, so we can confirm there’s no plot to be had elsewhere. They get back and greet Christina and Uriah, whom I guess are the only other supporting characters left with nothing in particular to do. They then meet up with Tobias’s mom, Evelyn, and Tris acts inconsistently with her character.

She says something to him. He smiles at her when he pulls away. Mother and son, reconciled. I am not sure it’s wise.

Tris also notices that Marcus is still missing, because I guess it’s not an inopportune moment enough yet.

They go to Tobia’s childhood home, and Tris admires the strength it must take to return to a place where he suffered so much abuse. She also becomes overwhelmed with – to be succinct – all the shit.

“My family is all dead, or traitors; how can I…”
I am not making any sense.[…]
“I’ll be your family now,” he says.
“I love you,” I say.
I said that once, before I went to Erudite headquarters, but he was asleep then.

Awwww. I can’t wait to see how Tobias ruins this tender moment.

He frowns at me. “Say it again.”

That’s our Tobias! Even when Tris is saying that she loves him, she’s wrong until he tells her what to do.

Question of the day: So what do you think about this whole Peter plot twist? Not so much whether it was surprising (heh), but about the whole, say, shift from chaotic evil to lawful neutral? Yeah, we’re breaking out our motherfucking character alignments this week. Feel free to tell me I’m doing it wrong.

Ariel and I are splitting up the last chapter of Beautiful Oblivion into two parts today, and that will conclude our coverage of Beautiful Oblivion! What a long, strange ride it’s been! By mean I mean it was cliched and mostly meaningless.

Regular readers may be wondering why I’m posting on a Monday, and also possibly, whaaaaaat. Ariel and I swapped this week, because she hates the ending of this book that much. Get excited. [Ariel says: It’s one of our biggest regrets that we didn’t capture on film the moment I revealed the ending to Matt. Emotions were running wild.]

Additionally, I have an important note about how I wrote this post. Ariel and I have already spoiled the twist ending of this book partway through our reading, but I decided that in order to most fully appreciate how weird this ending is, we really have to pretend we don’t know. So everyone just pretend you don’t know about any big reveals or anything. Just prepare yourselves to give into a state of absolute confusion. [Ariel says: I promise this is completely doable, because I have known the ending while writing most of these posts, and it still makes no sense to me.]

Sort of like this, but with one significant difference.

As one final note, apparently this post is our 666th post we’ve published on Bad Books, Good Times. I was gonna make a joke about how appropriate that is, since Trenton is a total monster in this post, but then I realized that’s no different from any male character in any of the previous 665 posts.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Cami brings us up to speed with the aftermath of the last chapter’s events, letting us know that talk around campus has mostly centered around the fire, those lives tragically lost in the fire, and also hot gossip about Travis and Abby’s marriage and whether there’s a pregnancy involved. At least the book is staying true to its tonally confusing self. YOU BE YOU, BOOK. [Ariel says: The Students Without Netflix is the only fanservice I needed from this series.]

Also, because this book needs to have some semblance of a plot, T.J. shows up. Remember, we’re pretending that we don’t know what the twist is, so none of this makes any kind of sense. Also, we don’t know that there is going to be a twist, so just imagine how fucking weird all of this conversation looks:

“I wondered if you would come back,” I said.
“Took the first flight out.”
“Checking on everyone?”
He nodded. “Damage control.”
“What can you do?”
He shook his head. “It’s both of them.”
“You leave Trent out of it,” I snapped.
He laughed once without humor, clearly surprised at my anger. “It’s not me, Camille.” “If you’re not here for work, then why are you here?”

That’s a good question! You know what else is a good question? How do any of the sentences in this conversation belong in the same conversation? Didn’t I just read 300 pages of this book? Shouldn’t I at least have some idea of how TJ’s job is or is related to damage controlling Trent and another unspecified individual?

Cami suggests that TJ “come clean”, but he says he can’t right now, which is a real shame, because I didn’t realize I’d have to pay the same amount of attention to characters’ basic but deliberately hidden motivations in this college romance novel as I would for Memento.

Except Beautiful Oblivion never answers “so what am I doing?” but just idly stares off into space, habitually stirring its cup of coffee, wondering if it should pick up eggs at the store later.

Cami tells TJ he should go, and he says “I just wanted to say hi” and tries to kiss her on the cheek, but she backs away, to which he responds, “I was just saying good-bye”. Never have I seen someone fail so badly to greet another person that they immediately changed their mind from whether they were saying hello to goodbye based on the failure of their hello.

Cami goes to the tattoo parlor, where Hazel has finally talked someone into getting gauges, thus fulfilling her entire role in the book, I guess.

“Beautiful!” she said.
“Really? I’m getting fucking gauges for you, and you call me beautiful?” [Trenton said.] “How about manly? Studly? Badass?”
“Pretty!” Hazel said

Man, if only the “Raegan stopped dating her boyfriend so she could date her ex until they go to a party that they didn’t go to the last time they dated and then they did so she broke up with him again and resumed dating the other guy” subplot were as concise as the “Hazel wants to give someone gauges” subplot. As an added bonus, she also mocks Trenton’s toxic masculinity. Who would have thought that not only would “Hazel wants to give someone gauges” be objectively superior subplot, but probably better than the actual plot!

My enthusiasm for Hazel doesn’t last long, of course, because she’s a character in a Jamie McGuire novel, so it’s only a matter of time before she says something so crude it suspends disbelief.

“And that is why I waited for your girl. So you wouldn’t cry. Damn, Cami takes your dick every night, and it’s way bigger than a sixteen gauge.”

Ugh, really? Cami, are you gonna take that?

I mean the lewd comment.

I frowned. “Uncalled for. You need to get laid.” […]
Hazel jutted out her lip. “Tell me about it!”

Apparently Hazel’s dissatisfaction with her sex life was a defining character trait. Too bad we learn this the last time we ever see her in the entire novel. [Ariel says: Based on previous experience, I strongly suspect that this could be the basis for another spinoff book.]

Goodbye, Hazel and Hazel’s unsatisfied libido!

Also, I don’t know if you guys knew this, but apparently Trenton Maddox has a huge dick.

Trenton wore a wry smile. “But she’s right, baby doll. I’m way bigger than a sixteen gauge.”

I’m a guy (spoilers) and probably can’t really weigh in on this, so, instead, here’s a poll! For the ladies.

So. Readers. You know we’re getting towards the end. Not even Jamie McGuire is such an awful writer that she’ll forget to give the book a climax [Ariel says: Sounds like Trent’s giving Cami plenty of those with his confusingly sized piece of man meat.] So something big has to happen soon. Big like Trenton’s at least sixteen gauge penis. Are you ready for shit to get real?

Bishop was glaring at me […] I was tired and not in the mood for his weirdness.
“I saw you today.”
“Oh?”
“I saw you today.”

Because the book is only barely ready.

“I saw T.J., too. That was T.J., right?” He put emphasis on the letters. He knew.
Oh, God.

To the book’s credit, this is maybe one of the few times that something (mostly) makes sense pre-twist and then take on greater meaning after you know the twist. But we totes don’t know about the twist (riiiight?), so basically, all that this means is that Bishop saw Cami talking to a guy and assumed it was her ex. And we know that scene was pretty boring, so… based on the information we’re working with, and if that’s what’s pushing us into the climax…[Ariel says: But like…why is Bishop giving a fuck at this moment? Did Bishop even know Cami used to date someone besides Trent? She didn’t even meet him until she’d been working at the tattoo place for awhile. Trent has no idea who Cami was dating but Bishop does? WHAT THE FUCK.]

Trenton’s face immediately jerked in my direction. “T.J.? He’s in town?” […] He growled. “What is Bishop talking about?”

You know, in contrast to all those other times when Trenton was not acting like a damn fool.

Cami makes Trenton promise to let her explain, and then tells him that T.J. met her at her car after class (no one ever questions how he knew she was currently in class, possibly the one part of this that might actually warrant some concern…) and “talked for a little bit”. Bishop continues being super invested in Trenton’s love life for some unclear reason.

Bishop shook his head. “Definitely not what I saw.”
“What the fuck is your problem?” I hissed.

That’s a super good question.

He shrugged. “Just thought Trent should know.”
“Know what?” I shrieked. “Nothing happened! He tried to kiss me, and I backed away! If you saw anything different than that you’re a fucking liar!”
“He tried to kiss you?” Trenton said, his voice low and menacing.
“She did back away,” Bishop said. “I’m gonna bounce. Later.”

Literally the only reason that this book’s climax is happening is because a minor character, in their second scene ever, is a nosy asshole.

Except instead of being a maniacal villain, he’s more so a boring manchild who’s watched this movie too many times.

So I bet Trenton takes this well.

Haha, just kidding. He’s going to get angry at Cami over someone else’s actions. I’ve been reading this book.

Trenton shook his head. “I’m done with this, Cami. I’m fuckin’ done.”
My chest tightened. “You’re done.”
“Yeah, I’m done. You expect me to keep putting up with this?”

To be fair, it is fairly upsetting when someone – possibly especially an ex – makes a move on your significant other. It’s upsetting for them and you’re upset that it happened to them, and it shows a huge lack of respect on the offending party’s part, because at that point it stops even being about the person they have feelings for, and becomes entirely about them and their selfishness. Unless, of course, you’re Trenton Maddox, in which case everything is always about you. [Ariel says: Also, he did the same fucking thing to T.J. It was cool when he kissed Cami/forced her to go on dates with him/told her he loved her when she was with T.J. but how dare this other guy do it to him? Fuck off, Trent.]

Hot tears filled my eyes and ran down my cheeks in a continuous stream. “I didn’t even kiss him! Nothing happened!”
“Why are you crying? You’re crying over him? That’s just fucking great, Cami!”

Things get legitimately creepy. Like “I WILL MURDER FOR OUR LOVE” creepy.

“I’m done with him.” His voice turned low and frightening again. “He’s done with you.”

As opposed to all the other times when Trenton wasn’t being a horribly frightening person.

“Why don’t you tell him you’re with me?”
“He knows.”
Trenton itched the tip of his nose with the back of his hand, and nodded. “Then it’s settled. The only way he’s going to stay away from you is if I beat his ass.”

Want more of Trenton implying he’s going to murder someone for love? Because there is no shortage of it.

“You promised.”
“You’re going to play that card? Why are you protecting him? I don’t get it!”
“I’m not protecting him! I’m protecting you!” I said, shaking my head.
“I’m going to find him, Cami. I’m going to track him down, and when I find him…”

Now, it’s easy to feel bad for Cami – as well as all women in Jamie McGuire’s nightmare carnivals of abusive relationship – because how the hell do you get away from men like this? Men who literally stalk you and threaten the well-being of people based on their actions you have no control over, but on your behalf anyway, because of their misguided and obsessive misconceptions of love. So throughout these books, usually I feel nothing but horror for these female protagonists.

But there is a not-insignificant element of how Cami has some blame here, for keeping what is clearly – even if you don’t know what the twist is yet – an increasingly nonsensical secret.

I’d made promises to keep T.J.’ s secret, and to love Trenton. I couldn’t keep them both. I would meet with T.J. It was time to convince him to release me of that burden

As opposed to way, way earlier, when the scenario was literally the same, but before it had gone on so long that it’d be weird to explain the secret now.

But fear not! It’s not all melodrama and murder threats! There’s also Trenton acting like a little baby! You know, more so than usual. Because super inconveniently, T.J. texts Cami right then and there!

Trenton’s chest was heaving. He was getting emotional. He pitched my phone across the street, and then paced, stomping back and forth, with his hands on his hips.

This is a real thing happening in this book. Trenton throws Cami’s phone, puts his hands on his hands, and pouts.

“Go get it,” I said, my voice even.
He shook his head.
“Go get it!” I yelled, pointing toward the streetlamp.

Trenton Dreamboat Maddox, ladies and gentlemen.

Trenton goes to pick up the phone, and Cami uses the opportunity to run to her car to make an escape. Cami reminds us, again, of her predicament.

I couldn’t risk Trenton following me, and I couldn’t meet T.J. without making Trenton hate me.

Which is great, because these conditions are immediately ignored once Trenton somehow catches up to her moving car, opens the door, and gets in the passenger seat (which is just a whole other thing).

And then it hit me. I would just take him to T.J.

Anyway, you guys are familiar with Chekhov’s gun, right?

“Cami, if you want to take a drive, fine, but scoot over. I’ll drive you anywhere you need to go.”

Tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion, and why women should never drive! [Ariel says: I personally crashed my car at least 8 times while commenting on this post. My woman-brain!]

Even though there are so many bad books Matt and I want to write about, Jamie McGuire’s shit shows hold a special place in my heart. Say what you want about them, but in the wise words of my blog partner in crime, “Jamie McGuire is weirdly solid for our purposes. Consistently shit, but sort of readable.”

Thank God there are more Maddox books in the pipeline, and she’s got some other series that I’m interested in looking into. But I mean, I really miss the House of Night and Bared to You series in a way that I can’t fully articulate or understand. What a masochist I am.

I deeply apologise for the length of this post. Feel free to grab a snack. Also, I put in more gifs than usual to help detract from all those pesky words.

Beautiful Oblivion Chapter 25 (Part 2)

When we left off, Trent told Cami to pull over and that he’d drive her anywhere she needed to go. It was actually really difficult to find the exact spot in the chapter where Matt ended his post because there are roughly 30 occasions in this scene where Trent says something along these lines. [Matthew says: Chekhov’s gun! Chekhov’s gun! Hi, I’m Chekhov! Have you seen my gun! It is my gun! It is a gun that belongs to me, Chekhov! Pow! Chekhov’s gun!]

But find the exact moment I did, and here is what immediately follows. I know you’ve been waiting with baited breath!

“I shook my head. “You’re going to find out. And when you do, it’s going to ruin everything.”

Trenton frowned. “Find what out? Ruin what?”

I turned to him. “I’m going to tell you. I want to tell you. But not right now.”

This seems like a good a time as any. I mean, you’ve gone and set it up to be an incredibly difficult task, Cami, but why not now?

It starts to make even less sense when Cami agrees to let Trent drive her to T.J., which will lead to him finding out the Big Secret. I know Matt was pretending we don’t know what the twist is, but we fucking do, and I can’t not talk about it this chapter. Especially because this seems like a really mean way for Trent to find out that T.J. is his fucking brother. [Matthew says: Also a really mean way for Trent to find out that his girlfriend’s ex is his fucking brother: literally any time that was not her first opportunity to be honest about it. ]

They argue more about driving. Because for some reason even though Trent hasn’t even brought up the accident that sparked this whole fear of women driving since that one time they talked about it, it is suddenly the driving force of this chapter. [Matthew says: HA. DRIVING. I see what you did there.]

Trenton was still tapping my window. “Look at me, baby.”

I took a deep breath, pushed the gear up into first, and then lifted my head, looking forward.

“Cami, you can’t drive like this . . . Cami!”

Honestly, Trenton is the one who has been way more emotional this chapter than Cami. Why is he in a better position to drive? [Matthew says: Yeah, wait a second! You’re totally right! Trenton spends the whole chapter whining and pouting and throwing other people’s property, but then a woman gets behind the wheel of a car and BAM whoa baby be cool let’s take a step back here] Does his penis grant him soothing powers that activate the moment he gets behind the wheel of a car? If so that’s amazing and I would like a penis too, please.

I pulled into the street and headed west. I had no plan to get to T.J., and now that Trenton was in the car, I really didn’t know what to do. And then it hit me. I would just take him to T.J. Get it all out in the open. T.J. had brought this on himself. If he had left me alone, I wouldn’t be in this position. But I needed to give Trenton time to cool off, first. I needed to drive.

See what I mean? Why is it better not to tell Trenton in the car right now? Neither of them has to drive while they’re having an attack of the feelings, and Cami can give Trenton a minute to process all of said feelings. [Matthew says: Because god knows if anyone in this book has feelings, it’s Trenton.]

Also, why the fuck has T.J. insisted on keeping this a secret (and it must have been off-screen, because I can’t even remember him saying anything about this.) [Matthew says: More importantly, why the fuck has Cami insisted on keeping it? Sure, I get the general principle of keeping someone’s secret, but the secret is just that her ex is her new boyfriend’s brother. SURELY, this information is just as much her right to share or not share as it is his. What gives him absolute authority over this information.]

More arguing about who is driving – seriously, it’s 90% of the dialogue this chapter – until Trenton’s fears about women driving is completely validated…for some reason. [Matthew says: Because of the patriarchy!]

“You won’t lose me, Camille. I swear to Christ, but you’re all over the goddamn road! We’re on the edge of town, and will hit dirt road soon. Pull the fuck over!”

In that moment, a pair of glowing lights converged into one. I barely caught a glimpse of it from the corner of my eye, and then my head hit the window, smashing the glass into a thousand tiny pieces. Some of the shards flew outward, but most fell into my lap, or floated in the cab of the Jeep as it slid across the intersection and into a ditch on the other side. Time stood still for what seemed like several minutes, and then we were airborne as the Jeep began to roll. Once. Twice. And then I lost count, because everything went black.

Matthew says: Slash don’t let women drive.

And then she died, and at the funeral Trenton realized T.J. was HIS BROTHER THOMAS. I’m so sorry you guys. That’s not what happened at all. This scene just makes me so angry because it’s just a way to get Cami into the hospital for ~dramatic effect~. But mostly so Trenton CAN FIND OUT WHO T.J. IS OFF SCREEN BEFORE IT IS REVEALED TO THE READER. [Matthew says: Because you hadn’t read enough of this book utterly perplexed what this secret is and why it’s making people act without any rhyme or reason.]

Yes, because while Cami is unconscious, T.J. fucking shows up and talks to Trenton. Cami wakes up and she and T.J. have a fucking CONFUSING AS SHIT conversation when the reader is still supposed to be completely in the dark about what is going on. We don’t even get to see Trenton’s reaction to the big reveal, which I weirdly feel robbed of. I think I just wanted him for like a second to realize he was being a shit to his brother. [Matthew says: And also that they’re now also eskimo brothers.]

Anyway, Cami wakes up and notices the Super Important Plot Device Cast.

His left arm was over my legs, the other was propped between the bed and his chair, wrapped in a thick, lime-green cast. There were already several signatures on it. Travis had signed his name under a short note that simply said, “Pussy.” Another was from Hazel with a perfect impression of her bright red lipstick. Abby Abernathy signed it with “Mrs. Maddox.”

“It’s like a little guest book. Trent hasn’t left your side, so everyone who’s visited you has signed his cast.”

Firstly, puke, Abby. But glad we didn’t have to see you or Travis. Or Hazel for that matter. [Matthew says: What does Travis’s “Pussy” even mean? Is he calling her a pussy for getting into a car accident? Is he taking the opportunity while signing her cast to remind her of all the pussy that he gets? Does Travis have Tourette’s now?] Secondly, fuck this plot device cast, seriously.

I narrowed my eyes, barely making out T.J. sitting in a chair in a dark corner of the room. I looked back down at the cast. All of Trenton’s brothers had signed, his dad Jim, my mom, and all of my brothers. Even Calvin’s and Bishop’s names were there.

[Matthew says: And yet Raegan and Kody have not signed his cast. Cami (and the reader!) had to sit through ALL OF RAEGAN’S SHIT with her dating her ex until she could wear a dress to a party, and she doesn’t even show up WHEN CAMI IS IN THE HOSPITAL? Yet another notable entry in BBGT’s list of worst best friends ever.]

Please note, T.J. is here. Trenton now knows T.J.=Thomas, but the reader still does not know because Jamie McGuire is masturbating so hard right now over this terrible, terrible twist. It is a twist that ONLY WORKS IN THIS BOOK BECAUSE WE CANNOT VISUALLY SEE T.J. Imagine if this were a movie. I get that it’s not, but walk with me for a moment. We would have already seen Thomas in Beautiful/Walking Disaster. We would have known the “twist” the moment we saw him in California (which, fine, a surprise in the middle of a book or movie can be super exciting). But Trenton still wouldn’t have known. Therefore, Trenton’s reaction to this whole thing after we have the initial “shock” of seeing that T.J.=Thomas is potentially the most interesting thing to happen, and we don’t even get that because for some reason shocking the pants off the reader is the most important thing. Not the story or anything silly like that, just trying really hard to surprise us.

This whole book hasn’t been a love story (albeit a shit one), it’s just been about keeping something this fucking ridiculous from the reader in ways that don’t even make sense. The acrobatics this book had to go through to keep the secret is astonishing.

Cami talks to T.J., and we find out that it’s actually not her emotional woman-brain that got them into an accident, but a male!

“What happened?” I asked.

“A drunk male ran the stop sign going about sixty. He fled the scene, but he’s in custody now. Trenton carried you over a mile to the closest house.”

Thank you for clarifying it was a male who caused the accident, and that Trenton is a Romantic Hero.

My eyebrows pulled together as I looked at Trenton. “With a broken arm?”

[Matthew says: Even Cami’s calling bullshit on this book.]

“Broken in two places. I don’t know how he did it. Must have been pure adrenaline. They had to put that cast on in your room in the ER. He refused to leave you. Even for a second. Even for the CAT scan. The nurses are all in love.”

Good thing I was all puked out when Abby signed her name “Mrs. Maddox.” I never thought that scene would come in handy for anything, but it looks like my tolerance for absolute, fluffy bullshit has increased dramatically. [Matthew says: What a guy, that Trenton Maddox! His love is so strong he carried her from a car crash that HE WAS IN, and with a broken arm and massive penis to boot!]

T.J. reveals that everyone knows the truth now (but still not us), but that no one knows the truth about him and what he does, and he has to keep it that way (remember, Thomas is FBI. He prob wields like 30 glocks at once.) [Matthew says: SECRET NUMBER 2: MADDOX BOOGALOO.]

I looked down, feeling a sob well up in my throat. “Then why is he here?”

“The same reason I’m here. Because he loves you.”

A tear fell down my cheek. “I didn’t mean to . . .”

T.J. shook his head. “I know, honey. Don’t cry. It’s going to be okay.”

“Is it? Now that everyone knows, how could it ever be anything but awkward, and tense, and . . .”

“Because it’s us. We’ll handle it.”

This conversation would have been so much more effective if the reader knew what was going on at this point. I mean, most people would probably have figured it out by now (except a lot of people on Tumblr for some reason. There might be an important correlation there.)

More importantly, if this were so easily resolved, why couldn’t T.J. have talked to Trenton sooner? Why did all this have to happen if it was so neatly resolved in a mere 6 lines?

In some ways, I thank McGuire for not making this happen in the middle of the book, because I don’t think she would have written any sort of fallout in a compelling way. In the hands of a better writer, I could see that being an interesting and legitimate obstacle that ultimately doesn’t stop the romantic leads from being together and they do find a way to move forward. I’m sure in this book, though, it would have just had Trenton yelling and crying a lot whilst throwing overturning various pieces of furniture.

Still, though, that scenario might have actually been preferable to Cami insisting this revelation will have devastating consequences only to find that the guy who supposedly asked that she not reveal this secret is actually like, “Everything will be totes fine because we’re all such amazing, reasonable people, as evidenced by nothing that has happened previously in this entire series.”

Trenton wakes up just in time to join the party.

T.J. still stood behind him, watching Trenton’s display of affection with a pained smile. Trenton turned around, sensing someone was behind him.

“Hey,” Trenton said. He stood. “I, uh . . . I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. She doesn’t belong to me anymore. I’m not sure she ever did.”

Look, I have no problem whatsoever with a couple saying things like, “You’re mine” or what have you when it’s said in non-terrifying or creepy contexts. This to me comes off as very creepy. It feels like Trenton and T.J. are discussing a farm animal and not someone they’re both in love with. What if, crazy thought, he just said, “She wants to be with you.” Instead, we have to have one man bestow his prized possession upon another man. [Matthew says: On the other hand, Jamie McGuire would make a just few small tweaks and she has a perfectly competent story about two children arguing over a puppy! “Just a few small tweaks” is how she writes all her books anyway, so she should probably look into this.

The men-folk continue to discuss Cami as though she’s not there, with Trenton insisting that he loves Cami and he’s “not fucking around.” Well, I guess if he’s not fucking around all my concerns have completely evaporated.

But then they remember Cami is in the room and that she’s a human being. Sort of.:

“I know,” T.J. said. “I’ve seen the way you look at her.”

“So are we cool?” Trenton asked.

T.J.’s brows pulled together as he looked at me, but he spoke to Trenton. “What does she want?”

He can’t even directly ask Cami what she wants…even though she has explicitly told him before she wants to be with Trenton (for some reason.) The Maddox bros sure are fucking stupid, aren’t they? Moral of this whole damn story.

Cami apologizes to Trent for keeping a secret. I, however, am still waiting for my apology gift basket.

My lip quivered. “I lied to you.”

He shook his head. “For reasons that have nothing to do with me. Or us.”

THEN WHAT THE FUCK DID THE REASONS HAVE TO DO WITH? I guess keeping a secret to protect Trenton’s feels/his relationship with his brother/his love for Cami have nothing to do with him in some alternate universe that I have not have the pleasure of visiting? Matt please get the fuck in here and write a “what if other books have been written this way” because I need that to calm the raging tide of fury and hatred and anger inside of me. [Matthew says: Oh, if I must.]

• Harry’s lip quivered. “You killed my parents to gain immortality?”
  “For reasons that have nothing to do with me,” Voldemort said. “Or racism.”
• “If it bleeds… we can kill it.” Dutch said.
  “For reasons that have nothing to do with your survival!” said the Predator.
  “RAIGHT.” Dutch said. “FOR SCIANCE.”
• “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prep-”
  “For reasons that have nothing to do with me being an asshole! You’re an asshole. You. You were a real asshole toddler, you know that?”

You can totes write your own! Just think of the plot of a book, and have someone say that they did stuff for the opposite of that!]

T.J. and Trenton hug, T.J. agrees to back off fo realz this time and leave the happy couple alone because Cami has confirmed, yet again, that she wants to be with Trenton. Which for some reason we had to establish just one last time. [Matthew says: Well, DUR. Obviously. None of this book would have happened if people actually did things according to what a woman says she WANTS.

Seriously. None of it. Think about that for a second. For a very, very depressing second.]

Trenton puffed out a sigh of relief, and then squeezed my hand. “It all makes sense, now.”

WUT. Is McGuire trying to make me cry? This line is especially painful because it makes me feel like if Trenton Maddox understands what’s going on, then I really should too.

Trenton also justifies everything that’s happened by trying to convince Cami and us that he’s been in love with her since they were kids, so he actually had basically called dibs on her before his brother did.

“Because I’ve been in love with you since grade school, Chamomile. And everyone knew it. Everyone.”

“I’m still not sure I believe that.”

Thank you for having my back in this one instance, Cami. But then five seconds later she goes and agrees to move in with Trenton, so I give up on this woman.

Some boring filler happens where a nurse shows up to remind everyone how amazing and romantic Trenton is. And then the ending. It’s time, everyone.

Trenton’s cast was between us, and I ran my finger over the different names, thinking about all of the people who loved us that had come to my room. I paused when I came across T.J.’s signature, and silently said a final good-bye to the simple but sophisticated scribble.

Thomas James Maddox

That’s it. That’s how the book fucking ends. And it thinks it’s this amazing mic drop, but it’s not. It’s more like crickets chirping and then stopping immediately because they don’t want to be a part of this.

When I first read that final line, I’d already guessed the “twist”, but I’d still been so confused and annoyed by the whole preceding scene where T.J./Thomas is in the room with them, but Cami still finds a way as a narrator to avoid telling us this important piece of information.

[Matthew says: And just once more, in case we haven’t quite made clear how stupid it is that this book mixed up “exciting twist ending” and “basic plot information…

“I wondered if I would be seeing you here, Professor McGonagall.”
McGonagall stepped forward.
“Have you heard the rumors? Are they true? The Potters?”
“Yes, McGonagall, it’s all true. Lily and James Potter, dead. And their young boy Harry survived.”
“Against the Dark Lord? How?”
“Nobody knows. Anyway, let’s go drop off this totally unrelated other orphan boy on his aunt and uncle’s doorstep.”

Eleven Years later!
“Oh, Dudley!” Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon oh dudleyed. “We love you super duper much you special boy! Fuck off, HP. There is nothing special about you. Nothing. You don’t even have a secret past.”
Suddenly the door slammed open and a giant man appeared.
“Where is HP? I have a letter for him from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.”
“I… I am.” Said a small boy with scruffy hair covering his forehead and obscuring anything that might have been an identifiable feature on his forehead.
“Here you are! By the way, my name is Hagrid.”
Hagrid handed HP a letter. HP read the letter and knew it was true, because it had his full name in it, rather than his nickname that everybody called him sometimes.
“Let’s go teach you how to be a wizard!”
“Yay!” HP said as he left behind his adoptive family forever. “I bet there’s nothing else unique about me!”
But he was wrong.

A few days later!
“Hagrid,” HP said. “Why do so so many wizards seem to know me?”
“Well,” Hagrid said. “Eleven years ago-”
That’s how old I am! HP thought. What a coincidence!
“There was an evil wizard, named Voldemort. He was super evil and murdered people and was wizard racist. Then one day he tried to murder a boy named Harry Potter. But he failed, and the spell backfired and killed him. Nobody knows why, nor does anybody know why Harry Potter survived, but was left with a lightning-shaped scar on his forehead.”
“Wow,” HP thought, while thinking about nothing in particular, especially not his forehead. “What a story. Is Voldemort dead?”
“No, I don’t think so.” Hagrid said mysteriously. “I bet he’s still out there, waiting to reek his revenge on Harry Potter.”
“Aw snap,” HP said. “That’s gonna suck. For Harry Potter.”

Another few days later!
HP was on the train and looking for a seat.
“You can sit here.” Said a young boy with red hair. “My name is Ron.”
HP told him his name too and Ron was very excited. Probably to have a new friend lol idk
“I’m in this book too,” said a girl who walked by them. “My name is Hermione.”
Hermione learned Ron and HP’s names and they all became friends with no secrets whatsoever.
Except for Hermione and Ron and HP. They know the secret. But there is a secret.

Quite a while later!
HP was in a secret room of the castle, trying to rescue the sorcerer’s stone from a man that Voldemort had possessed (it’s a long story).
“I will kill you now, you!” said the man, who was possessed by a man who had an intense hatred of Harry Potter.
“Yes, it is time for my revenge!” Said Voldemort. “Once we can get the Stone out of this mirror.”
HP looked into the mirror and looked at his forehead and thought of his secret and knew what to do. Then he got the stone and defeated Voldemort.

A few days later!
HP woke up in the hospital, overhearing voices.
“Wow, I can’t believe what Harry Potter did! Harry Potter! Imagine that! That’s a real swell guy, that Harry Potter.”
“Where am I?” HP said.
“I am Professor Dumbledore,” said an old wizard. “You are in the hospital. I bet you have a lot of questions.”
“Yes,” HP said. “How was I able to defeat Voldemort?”
“Well,” Professor Dubmledore said. “Because Harry Potter is a special guy!”
“Wow,” said HP, who understood why this information was a relevant response in the conversation he was having.
“I bet you’ll be out of bed and back learning wizard magic soon! I will leave you with this present from your dead father.”
Dumbledore left and thought of his father and how he died and opened the present. It was an invisibility cloak. HP read the card from Dumbledore.

It said:

Dear Harry Potter.

THE END!]

There was foreshadowing all along that T.J.=Thomas, and here are my favourites in list form.

1. They both have sexy, tight “backsides”.
   1. On T.J.: “He would have to wake up in a few minutes to get ready for work, and I would get a great view of his tight backside as he crawled out of bed. ”
   2. On Trenton: “I moved my hand from his front to his backside, and gripped his tight ass with both hands, pushing him even deeper into my mouth. “
2. The weird references to Spaceballs. Remember how Cami had a copy and Trenton kept saying he always watched it with his brother. OMG IT WUZ THOMAS ALL ALONG.
3. The letter “T”. What started as a joke became truth. All men whose names begin with the letter “T” could potentially be a Maddox.
4. Of course T.J. would show up to harass Cami, he’s a Maddox. Completely in-character. I would expect nothing else.

If you can think of any other tiny hints that were peppered throughout the book (besides all the vague statements Cami’s friends made), please share!

Hello, readers. This week we finish our reading of Jamie McGuire’s Beautiful Oblivion, the ending of which you hopefully don’t lose as much sleep as Ariel and I did trying to comprehend. As you might know, we’re returning to the world of Sylvia Day’s Crossfire to fill our erotic romance shoes (they are not practical shoes) with, Captivated By You, the fourth book in the series that even the fans seem to kind of despise, given how the conversation on Goodreads is dominated by how the book’s release took a whole year and a half. The poor souls.

But we have a decision to make. We’ve spent quite a while reading a terrible, padded novel about an abusive relationship. Should we dive right into another one? And there’s the upcoming mid-February release of that thing to consider (we have… plans…). Should we wait? Could we all use a palate cleanser?

So we want to hear your voice. What should we do?

Option One: Dive right into Captivated By You

We could do that.

Option Two: Take a break with a new series, Sweet Valley High

We could briefly dive into the new-for-us, beloved-for-others world of Sweet Valley High before starting the new Crossfire. Ariel and I could regale you with the tales of identical twins Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield in Sweet Valley, California. It will be all “Oh, that Elizabeth is so popular!” and “Oh, that Jessica is such a bad girl in contrast to her identical twin!” It’ll be great. I have no idea what these books are about.

Option Three: Take a break with a new series, Bailey School Kids

We could sojourn into a supernatural series of stories! Stories with weirdly exclusionary titles, in retrospect.

That’s kind of Zombie-racist, book.

It’s a series of children’s books that Ariel remembers! I totally don’t remember these and thought she was talking about something else. I’m goddamned useless. But we could read a book from this series, which includes entries such as Vampires Don’t Wear Polka Dots, Aliens Don’t Wear Braces, and the definitely phoning it in by this point Witches Don’t Do Backflips. Who says witches don’t do backflips? What kind of non-witch gymnast sociocultural institutions are in place at Bailey School?

Option Four: Return to Magic Tree House

We could return to the adventures of Jack and Annie, who are surprisingly incompetent even for little children. We saw them almost get eaten alive by dinosaurs when they first discovered the time and space-traveling magic tree house. We could see them go on some other incredibly ill-advised adventure.

Why. Why would you do this.

So. What’s it gonna be? Make your vote now! If you have suggestions for specific books in any of the series, leave them below!

If you haven’t already voted, please take the time to answer our poll regarding whether we should jump right back into the Crossfire series or read a children’s book. One of these things is not like the other.

Insurgent Chapter 37

Now that Tris is back with her motley crew of Dauntless pals, it’s time for some witty banter:

“So, the thing we’re all not talking about,” he says. He gestures to me.

“You almost died, a sadistic pansycake saved you, and now we’re all waging some serious war with the factionless as allies.”

“Pansycake?” says Christina.

“Dauntless slang.” Lynn smirks. “Supposed to be a huge insult, only no one uses it anymore.”

“Because it’s so offensive,” says Uriah, nodding.

“No. Because it’s so stupid no Dauntless with any sense would speak it, let alone think it. Pansycake. What are you, twelve?”

“And a half,” he says.

I get that Dauntless isn’t supposed to be the brainy faction, but I believe in my heart of hearts that even they could have come up with something that doesn’t sound like they just took a regular insult and just added in their favourite food. Like we get it, Dauntless, you fucking love cake. [Matthew says: Furthermore, I refuse to believe that an insult with the word “cake” in it could ever have gained traction. It’s fucking cake. Cake is delicious. Cake is an instrument of love, not hatred.]

Tris is informed that Tobias is downstairs, making eggs for everyone in Marcus’ house, having a rip roaring good time with his factionless peeps.

I get the same sinking feeling in my stomach that I always get when I know I’ve been lied to, but I don’t know who it was that lied to me this time, or about what, exactly. But this is not what I was taught to expect of factionlessness. I was taught that it was worse than death.

For once, I am completely with Tris on this. I don’t know about you guys, but I always pictured the factionless in a world cloaked in grey, hobbling along begging for Abnegation muffins. But here they are just playing the banjo and some cards like good old Amity folk!

Then what may be the biggest twist in the entire series happens, so pay attention:

[Tobias] gets up and hands me a can of peas—but it isn’t full of peas; it’s full of scrambled eggs.

I really wasn’t expecting that at all. Next thing you’ll be telling me is that the toast is gluten free. [Matthew says: You know that actually probably would be a huge twist. The Abnegation probably view gluten allergies as selfish or something.]

Tobias explains that Evelyn kicked Marcus out of his house because it’s technically hers too and he’s had plenty of time there. This doesn’t actually make much sense to me since I imagine there are plenty of empty houses in the Abnegation sector, and Tris said earlier in this chapter that all the houses are the same. I don’t like Marcus or anything, but he’s going to die alone anyway, why not let him just have this one thing. This one very lame thing. [Matthew says: I’m actually maybe on the opposite side here. Marcus is such a doofy antagonist/antihero that I want to see his squabbling ex pulling MORE petty shit. Really put into perspective how I can’t take anyone seriously in this book.]

Meanwhile, Peter is chatting to Evelyn in the corner of the room, and she’s trying to recruit him to their team. Why is Peter this huge asset to everyone? Jeanine entrusted him with fucking everything and now Evelyn is like WE MUST HAVE THIS MAN. Who is this guy?

Edward shows up and obviously is pretty fucking pissed to see Peter on account of that time that Peter stabbed his eye with a butter knife:

“Edward slams his free hand into Peter’s throat, and presses the tines of the fork between his fingers, right against Peter’s Adam’s apple.

Peter stiffens, blood rushing into his face.

“Keep your mouth shut around me,” he says, his voice low, “or I will do this again, only next time, I’ll shove it right through your esophagus.”

“That’s enough,” Evelyn says. Edward drops the fork and releases Peter. Then he walks across the room and sits next to the person who called him “Eddie” a moment before.

“I don’t know if you know this,” Tobias says, “but Edward is a little unstable.”

“I’m getting that,” I say.”

Why is everyone acting like Edward is the unstable one? He is acting completely reasonably here considering their history. He didn’t even actually hurt Peter! Tris and Tobias be tripping. [Matthew says: I also don’t really get this. It’s like partway into the sequel, this series realized that the Factionless actually being super good allies was a really obvious twist, so it’s trying to re-twist them into a force of chaos not to be trusted.]

“That Drew guy, who helped Peter perform that butter-knife maneuver,” Tobias says. “Apparently when he got kicked out of Dauntless, he tried to join the same group of factionless Edward was a part of. Notice that you haven’t seen Drew anywhere.”

Again, still completely reasonable. If my friends suddenly embraced someone who had helped stab my eye out, you can bet your bottom dollar that I would do everything in my power to get rid of them. I applaud Edward and his perseverance.

Later, after a great deal of filler, [Matthew says: Those seven words could be our entire reading of Insurgent.] Tris wanders around Abnegation until she’s approached by Marcus who has lots of mysterious things to say. I know it’s meant to be tantalizing tidbits of information, but after reading Beautiful Oblivion, I’m in no mood for more of this shit.

For some reason, Tris tries to trick Marcus into thinking she already knows what his big secret is. To the surprise of no one, this fails immediately:

“What if you’re too late? What if I already know what it is?” Marcus looks up from his fingernails, and his dark eyes narrow. The look is far more poisonous than any Tobias could muster, though he has his father’s eyes. “You can’t possibly.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do, actually. Because I have seen what happens to people when they hear the truth. They look like they have forgotten what they were searching for, and are just wandering around trying to remember.” A chill makes its way up my spine and spreads down my arms, giving me goose bumps.”

That doesn’t sound chilling at all. That describes how I look every time I go to look in my fridge, don’t see anything I want, but then wander back ten minutes later because food. [Matthew says: This also seems like a total bullshit way to tell that Tris was lying, but she falls for it anyway. They weren’t kidding when they discovered that Tris’s Divergence is because she has a “flexible personality“, huh.]

Tris has another one of her sudden realizations that she always seems to conveniently have at times like these:

“I know that Jeanine decided to murder half a faction to steal it, so it must be incredibly important,” I say. I pause. I know something else, too, but I only just realized it.

Right before I attacked Jeanine, she said, “This is not about you! It’s not about me!”

Tris quickly realizes that Jeanine was trying to break up with her by cleverly using a twist on the old “it’s not you, it’s me” line.

But actually Tris somehow surmises in this very moment that the information has to do with what’s outside the fence. Marcus is like, “YES! But I can’t tell you what’s outside the fence because it’s hard to describe. Abnegation was going to tell everyone what was outside the fence, so Erudite attacked, so now I can’t tell you because it’s soooo hard to explain by myself.”

You think I’m joking, but I’m not.

“I did not come here for self-indulgent arguing. And no, I am not going to tell you, but not because I don’t want to. It’s because I have no idea how to describe it to you. You have to see it for yourself.”

[…]

“A week before the simulation attack, the Abnegation leaders decided it was time to reveal the information in the file to everyone. Everyone, in the entire city. The day we intended to reveal it was approximately seven days after the simulation attack. Obviously we were unable to do so.”

[…]

“We are not from here, Beatrice. We were all placed here, for a specific purpose. A while ago, the Abnegation were forced to enlist the help of Erudite in order to achieve that purpose, but eventually everything went awry because of Jeanine. Because she doesn’t want to do what we are supposed to do.”

[…]

“I have told you enough to convince you that I am not a liar. As for the rest, I truly find myself unequal to the task of explaining it to you.”

I have had people explain the final book of this series in a few sentences. Do not try to convince me that Marcus cannot fucking explain this at the moment. I can understand why Neo in The Matrix had to take the red pill and actually see what the world was really like in order to believe it. But this strikes me as Marcus just being incredibly lazy. Based on what people have told me about the ending, it really seems like he could explain it pretty fucking clearly. Hell, I can probably explain it and I haven’t read the damn thing yet.

Marcus tells Tris that he’s told her enough that she can trust him (really?), and that he needs her to prevent the factionless from destroying all of Erudite’s data because otherwise they can’t expose the information?

Suddenly I understand the problem. The factionless plan to destroy, not only the important figures in Erudite, but all the data they have. They will level everything.

I have never thought that plan was a good idea, but I knew that we could come back from it, because the Erudite still know the relevant information, even if they don’t have their data. But this is something even the most intelligent Erudite do not know; something that, if everything is destroyed, we cannot replicate.

It doesn’t make sense for Tris to understand this without knowing what is actually going on, but Marcus is able to convince her to help because her mother died trying to retrieve and protect this information.

“Your parents died for you, it’s true. But the reason your mother was in Abnegation headquarters the night you were almost executed was not to save you. She didn’t know you were there. She was trying to rescue the file from Jeanine. ”

I just don’t get it anymore, what data do we and don’t we want destroyed? Simulation data is bad and this mysterious data is also bad, but it needs to be protected so it can be revealed…? [Matthew says: I think the problem is that the book uses “data” as a catch-all for “information” but also “program” or “technology”. You know, like how the book uses “Faction” as a catch-all for…]

Last chance to vote in the poll! It determines what we’re reading starting, you know, Monday, so I kinda need to get on that soon.

BUT ALSO VERY IMPORTANTLY, please tell me that you’ve read this Gawker piece about the disastrous Fifty Shades press tour, and that you’ve seen this excruciatingly awkward video:

Insurgent Chapter 38

Tris thinks about her mother’s last words to her in light of Marcus’s reveal that she went into danger trying to save the file about The Secret. So once again…

I didn’t know what I would do, when I found you. Meaning: I didn’t know how to save both you and the file. But it was always my intention to save you.
I shake my head. Is that how she said it, or am I manipulating my own memory because of what Marcus told me? There is no way to know. All I can do is decide if I trust Marcus or not.

Sure, I get that Tris is probably rethinking a lot of things after Marcus’s new information, but so much of this book is Tris rethinking things that have already happened, we’ve gotten to the point where Insurgent literally slaps “Meaning:” in front of a sentence that’s supposed to tell the reader the new thing they should be thinking.

And while he has done cruel, evil things, our society is not divided into “good” and “bad.”

Girl, dividing society into “good” and “bad” is literally this whole book.

Evelyn (Tobias/Four’s estranged mom and factionless leader, just in case you too are having trouble keeping track of this book’s kazillion characters who contribute half a thing to the story before dying) explains the plan for their big attack on Erudite. Reasoning that Erudite’s power isn’t its people, but its information, she explains the strategy for a nonspecific attack on the Erudite HQ, with one group attempting to breach their defense and work their way up through the building while other, smaller groups “proceed immediately to the higher levels of the building to dispense with certain key Erudite officials”. Guys, this just means that group 2 is doing the exact same thing group 1 is, but faster. And after group 1 does the hardest part. What’s group 2 doing while group 1 attempts to fight into the ground floor of the building? None of this makes sense. [Ariel says: I’m so relieved you had the same reaction to this section. I’m so insecure I just thought, “Wow, I’d make a horrible army general :(“]

Yeah, I played Final Fantasy Tactics when I was 12. I’m basically an expert at guerrilla warfare strategy.

Tori also explains that anyone who was shot with a simulation transmitter will have to stay behind, which people actually argue about, because that’s how dumb all the characters in this book are.

Eventually, someone shows signs of actual thinking.

“Yeah,” says Christina. “It’s just . . . Invading a faction’s headquarters and killing everyone, isn’t that what the Erudite just did to Abnegation?”

I’m getting a lot of usage out of this gif

“This is different. This is not an attack out of nowhere, unprovoked,” says Lynn, scowling at her.
“Yeah,” Christina says. “Yeah, I know.”
She looks at me. I don’t say anything. She has a point— it doesn’t feel right.

Well, then! Looks like it’s time for Tris to solve everything on her own with a cunning plan of her own and not only not asking others for help, but actively lying to them and working against them.

If I participate in the attack, I can’t go after the information Jeanine stole from Abnegation.
I have to choose one or the other. Tobias said that dealing with Erudite was more important than finding out the truth. And if he had not promised the factionless control over all of Erudite’s data, he might have been right. But he left me no choice. I have to help Marcus, if there is even a chance that he is telling the truth. I have to work against the people I love best.
And right now, I have to lie.

Yayyy Tris-decisions. My favorite. [Ariel says: I think it’s also worth reminiscing about the time that Tobias made a huge deal about having Tris come with him to help decide if they should agree to Evelyn’s terms and he immediately was like, “WE ACCEPT YOUR RIDICULOUS PROPOSAL!” Without even asking Tris.]

“I still can’t fire a gun.” I look up at him. “And after what happened in Erudite headquarters […] I don’t want to seem like a coward.” […]
He sighs, and touches his forehead to mine. “You’re the bravest person I’ve ever met. Stay here. Let yourself mend.” […]
He thinks I will be here, but I will be working against him

[Ariel says: Of course Tobias would be super willing to let Tris stay behind if he thinks she’s finally showing vulnerability. He just desperately needs her to be weak. Also, something about that last line made me think of Mojo Jojo from The Powerpuff Girls who always has to over-explain things and then often follows his speeches up with an evil laugh.

My reading of this scene: “He thinks I will be here, but I will not be here for I will be working against him. Working against him in a way that is not with him and that is in fact the opposite of what he wants. MWHAHAHAHAHA.”]

Aw, geez. I wonder if Tris can explain another reason why this is bad.

[I will be] working with the father he despises.

Oh, good. I forgot I read that six pages ago.

Chapter 39

Naturally, the first part of Tris’s super awesome lone wolf, fix-everything-by-myself plan is to ignore the only actual logical part of the Factionless/Dauntless plan and recruit Christina – who very much is susceptible to being taken over by a simulation – to be her confidant in her secret mission.

How the hell is there not a single “I have a cunning plan” Blackadder gif on the internet?

But first, they need to put on their makeup.

Seriously. There’s like two pages of Tris and Christina putting on makeup. What the hell kind of dystopian apocalypse is this?

They dress up in Amity clothing, hidden under their black Dauntless jackets, and meet up with Marcus to drive through the gates (hiding in plain sight past the traitor Dauntless) to Amity HQ, which I guess is their plan. Why am I only guessing it’s their plan? Nobody actually says that they’re going to Amity, or why they’re going to Amity, until – in true Tris fashion – Tris has to think of why she’s there literally as she’s explaining why she’s there to the Amity.

“Tell me, Marcus,” says Johanna. “Why have you come to visit?”
“I think Beatrice should handle that,” he says. “I am merely the transportation.” […]
“Um . . .” I say. Not my most brilliant opening. I wipe my palms on my skirt. “Things have gotten bad.”

Tris then explains about the Factionless/Dauntless plan to invade Erudite, and how this is bad because it will destroy essential information in Erudite possession. Johanna then asks the same question that the reader is thinking.

“I’m confused, Beatrice,” she says. “What exactly do you want us to do?”

Because REALLY.

Tris tells the Amity that she wanted them to know what was going on, and continues to do an awful job of doing anything.

“I also wanted to ask you if we can talk to the Erudite you’re keeping safe here,” I say. “I know they’re hidden, but I need access to them.”
“And what do you intend to do?” she says.
“Shoot them,” I say, rolling my eyes.
“That isn’t funny.”

Yes, because when you’re already having trouble explaining why what you’re doing makes any sense, the best thing to do is to use sarcasm.

REALLY.

That night Tris sees and then participates in an Amity religious ceremony, which is sort of interesting, but ultimately full of as much false profundity as the rest of the book, so you’re not missing much.

That morning, Johnana calls an emergency meeting, which Christina and Marcus attend, but Tris secretly observes hiding behind a tree. For some reason. [Ariel says: She’s clearly a tactical mastermind. She employs other techniques like hiding in a random bush when an enemy approaches or wearing a moustache as a Super Secret disguise.]

Johanna explains about the upcoming battle that “will be waged not against the Erudite-Dauntless army but against Erudite innocents and the knowledge they have worked so hard to acquire”, and asks the Amity to revote on their neutrality. Eventually, they reach a decision.

And speaking of false profundity.

“Obviously it was difficult to find agreement,” she says. “But the majority of you wish to uphold our policy of uninvolvement. […] My conscience forces me to go against this decision. Anyone else whose conscience drives them toward the city is welcome to come with me. […] I understand if this means I can’t be a part of Amity anymore.” […]
Johanna bows in the general direction of the crowd [and] walks toward the exit.

Ok. Wait. If only a majority chose to remain uninvolved, then that means there’s a decent percentage of Amity who feel exactly like Johanna, so why is Johanna the one who’s like “Well, I disagree, so I am banished from Amity now!” I mean, I get that she’s basically trying to lead a schism so any other dissenting Amity have the option to follow her, but it seems kind of weird that she’s making this public exit from a community that doesn’t entirely disagree with her? This would be like if Mitt Romney tried to lead an exodus to the Czech Republic after he lost the 2012 election.

Question of the day: SO HOW ABOUT THAT FIFTY SHADES INTERVIEW, HUH? What was your favorite moment where Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson were almost audibly counting down to when they could just go home?

We crunched the numbers, hired numerous consultants, held endless study groups, and now the results are in. Based on the title of this post, you have correctly surmised that we’re doing  Sweet Valley High: Double Love. 

Sweet Valley High: Double Love

Chapter 1

Meet Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield, who are immediately distinguished in the first chapter by Jessica’s intense, unending displays of narcissism and deceit and Elizabeth’s bland niceness. It’s best summed up by a line that appears in the first chapter, “A wicked gleam of mischief lurked in the aquamarine depths of Jessica’s eyes, while Elizabeth’s reflected only sincerity.” [Matthew says: No need to worry that this was one stray detail that Ariel picked out of the opening paragraphs. It’s basically the rest of the sentences in those paragraphs too.]

Anyway, we open with some good old body dismorphia:

“Oh, Lizzie, do you believe how absolutely horrendous I look today!” Jessica Wakefield groaned as she stepped in front of her sister, Elizabeth, and stared at herself in the bedroom mirror. “I’m so gross! Just look at me. Everything is totally wrong. To begin with, I’m disgustingly fat. . . .” With that, she spun around to show off a stunning figure without an extra ounce visible anywhere.

She moaned again, this time holding out one perfectly shaped bronze leg. “Isn’t that the grossest? I swear I must have the skinniest legs in America. And the bumpiest knees. What am I going to do? How can I possibly go to school looking like this today? Today of all days!”

We must have all met a Jessica in our lives, someone who in one breath can complain how fat they are and then in the next complain how skinny parts of their body are. To be fair, though, it sounds like Jessica really does have a point. If people at school notice her bumpy knees, she’s going to be a social pariah! My number one reason for snubbing another person is a bumpy knee. Yuck!

The narrator of this book begins to confuse me, because he/she/it seems to be fangirling over Jessica:

Jessica stared at herself in the full-length mirror and saw a picture of utter heartbreak and despair. But what was actually reflected in the glass was about the most adorable, most dazzling sixteen-year-old girl imaginable. Yet there was no stopping Jessica Wakefield when she was in this mood.

Way to lay it on thick – most adorable and most dazzling? And they say you can’t have it all.

The book proceeds to use Jessica’s complaints about her body as a way to refute them and point out how she’s actually perfect. Jessica’s upset about her eye color being dull? Not to worry, it’s actually a gorgeous, rare-breed of eye. Jessica worried her hair is dull and limp? Not to worry, it’s actually lush locks that were individually woven by the hands of God.

As Jessica complains, Elizabeth finally points out that they’re twins, so Jessica should shut the fuck up already.

Both wore exactly the same size clothes, but they refused to dress alike, except for the exquisite
identical lavalieres they wore on gold chains around their necks. The lavalieres had been presents from their parents on their sixteenth birthday.

The only way you could tell them apart was by the tiny beauty mark on Elizabeth’s right shoulder. Their friends might notice that Elizabeth wore a watch and that Jessica did not. Time was never a problem for Jessica.

Because Jessica is actually a badass time-travlin’ teenager who has to save the world on a regular basis…and still get her homework done!

She always felt that things didn’t really start until she got there. And if she was late, let ’em wait.

Just kidding, she’s actually a stuck-up bitch.

The phone rings, and it’s THE Todd Wilkins, a super sexy basketball player that Jessica’s had her eye on…but he’s calling for Elizabeth?!??!? How someone who has the choice between identical twins could choose the nicer of the two is beyond me.

Between Jessica’s eyes “narrowing dangerously” when he asks to speak to Elizabeth and “The idea that he would prefer Elizabeth to her infuriated Jessica” we can pretty much surmise that Jessica is not going to pass this phone over. She flirts with Todd and “purrs” at him (I’m not kidding, this sixteen year old girl basically sounds like she’s practicing to become a phone-sex operator) and finally tells him Elizabeth can’t come to the phone because she’s in the shower and then they have to leave for school. Which leads me to wonder why he’s calling her so early in the morning! Just ask her out in the cafeteria or something, dude.

Jessica has the decency to feel kind of bad about what happened, but comforts herself in the knowledge that Todd isn’t Elizabeth’s boyfriend and that maybe her sister doesn’t even know about him. Except the narrator immediately reveals that this is bullshit and Elizabeth and Todd have exchanged longing looks in the cafeteria and questions about Chemistry class after school. See? He can just ask her out in like an hour.

Hiding her disappointment that he was calling to talk to Jessica, Elizabeth changes the conversation to something very important – highschool sororities, which is apparently a thing? [Matthew says: I had no idea that this was a thing either, so I Googled it and it turns out that, yes, there ARE high school sororities and fraternities… and they were banned in public schools in California in 1906. So…]

At noon the Wakefield twins would find out if they had made Pi Beta Alpha, “the positively best sorority at Sweet Valley High,” according to Jessica. That meant “the snobbiest” in Elizabeth’s book.

I think in highschool, sororities are just called “cliques.”

Elizabeth tells us about all the wacky pranks they had to pull like getting a pizza delivered to their classroom! The security at this school must have been abysmal if the pizza delivery guy could just show up at the classroom door without so much as a visitor’s pass! [Matthew says: This is already the most confusing part of the book for me.]

Other fun pranks included dyeing the school’s mashed potatoes purple and delivering a singing telegram to the stuffy school principal! Man, I can really understand now how all the most important students are a part of this prestigious organization.

Elizabeth mopes a bit more about Todd seemingly choosing Jessica over her because her sister is soooo much more dazzling.

Chapter 2

Jessica continues to be a bitch about anything and everything unless she’s getting what she wants which apparently is too infrequent for her liking. What is Jessica mad about this chapter?

1. Their lawyer father has been working late nights with a female lawyer who apparently sounded “seductive” when Jessica called the office one night.
2. The girls’ mother lets them take the family’s super awesome Fiat for the day, but Jessica can’t be the one driving because of her recent car accident. HOW COULD YOU BE SO HEARTLESS, MOM?
3. Jessica wants the family to have more money like people who live on the top of a hill in Sweet Valley.
4. Elizabeth won’t go against their mother’s wishes and let Jessica drive even though Jessica is emotionally manipulating her as hard as possible. The nerve, Elizabeth!
5. Elizabeth’s best friend Enid is nerdy, and if Elizabeth is seen talking to her, people might mistake her for Jessica. Given this girl is Elizabeth’s best friend, it seems really strange that NOW is the time Jessica is worrying about this.

I just want a character to come over and punch Jessica in the face, basically.

Elizabeth goes to talk to Enid who has a big secret to tell her (it’s just that some guy invited her to the Phi Epsilon dance, whatever the fuck that may be [Matthew says: I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s going to be like 80% of what’s driving the plot.]). We also find out during this conversation that Elizabeth writes the “Eyes and Ears” column for the school’s newspaper, which sounds like it might be either a gossip column or a serial killer’s think piece. The only problem is, Elizabeth has to keep this a secret from everyone for a reason that I want to make fun of, but actually kind of understand.

It was a tradition at Sweet Valley that if the identity of the writer of the “Eyes and Ears” column was discovered before the end of the term, the students threw that person fully clothed into the swimming pool. Elizabeth Wakefield had no intention of being unmasked.

I wish superheroes has reasons like this for keeping their identities hidden. Like Clark Kent knows that if people find out he’s Superman he’ll get pied in the face. Honestly, if I knew I was going to be thrown in a pool by a bunch of my classmates in highschool, I would have been hell bent on keeping my identity secret too. Well played, Elizabeth.

Anyway, Elizabeth sees Jessica driving by in their car… to park in a different parking spot (calm down, Jessica, you’re out of control, young lady). Before she can angrily confront her sister, Todd shows up and asks Elizabeth to meet him after school. [Matthew says: He unsuccessfully called her in the morning to try to ask her out, so he asked her to meet up later to try to ask her out? This boy needs to get his shit together.]

During the big Phi Beta ceremony, though, Jessica tells Elizabeth that she’s sure Todd is going to be asking Jessica to the dance. Then they both get accepted into their Cliquerority, and Elizabeth has to pretend she’s crying tears of joy and not Tears of Highschool Sorrow.

Elizabeth and Jessica ran up to the front of the room. Even though her tears had dried, Elizabeth felt as if she were still sobbing on the inside.

Jessica was ecstatic. “There’s so much I want to learn about Pi Beta Alpha,” she was gushing to one of the senior girls. “For instance, just how many votes do you need to become president?”

Subtlety is Jessica’s biggest strength, clearly.

At the end of the day, Elizabeth goes to meet Todd, but sees him driving off with Jessica. I know we should be mad at Jessica for running off with Todd, but I’m more concerned that she’s left Elizabeth without a ride home. What an inconsiderate bitch.

Chapter 3

Elizabeth is surprised when her brother Steve shows up at home – he should be off at college living it up! Steve and Elizabeth have a very weird shtick where they keep calling each other ugly and thinking it’s hilarious.

The two had started their “ugly” routine ages ago after spending a totally boring afternoon listening to a distant relative drone on and on about “how too, too adorable you children are. Just too, too!” They had invited Jessica to join in their game, but she was never bored when people discussed her beauty.

I can’t imagine a way they could have invited Jessica to play this game that would have been enticing in any way. “Hey, we have this really dumb inside joke that started because of this situation where someone told us we were cute, but now instead we’re gonna say we’re ugly! LAWL! Do you also want to be involved in this joke?” Because if you have to explain/invite someone to be part of a joke like that, it’s destined to be a huge success.

Jessica comes home, and the girls both try to pester Steve about why he keeps coming home on the weekends – what lucky lady is he seeing? Steve leaves when he notices tension between his sisters because Elizabeth is pretty pissed she had to walk home from school.

“Jess, I didn’t really appreciate having to walk home today.”

Quick as lightning, Jessica wailed, “You didn’t! I saw you get into a car with a bunch of the kids and zoom off without me! You should have told me you were going to do that. What would have happened if Mom saw me driving the car? Do you want to get me into trouble? I think it was sneaky and rotten of you to leave me like that when it was your responsibility to bring me home in the car!”

“Jess, I didn’t leave without you—I got held up in The Oracle and didn’t get out until late.”

“Oh. In that case, I forgive you. And I’m sorry I suspected you of trying to get me into trouble. I must have been mistaken about you getting into that other car.”

So we’re all in agreement that Jessica is a complete sociopath, right? This girl needs a wake up call. She then explains she was just giving Todd a ride to the store to pick up decorations for the dance. Gosh, Elizabeth. 

Anyway, Jessica goes upstairs to pester Steve, and Elizabeth basically has a meltdown in the kitchen. Her mother tries to comfort her, but ug, parents. 

I end this post with a gift for you all. Jensen Ackles from Supernatural in an episode of Sweet Valley. So even if, unlike me, you haven’t adored Ackles for like 10 years as Dean Wincehster, you can still appreciate the absolute shit that is the Sweet Valley television series.

Welcome to day two of our very first reading of Sweet Valley High! How’s everyone dealing with the high school drama so far? [Ariel says: I personally feel it’s an incredible opportunity to use all my favourite high school gifs!] 

Chapter 4

Well, Elizabeth, for one, is not having a great time dealing with the high school drama, so much so that she provides a handy summary of all of it. Even though we’re only on chapter 4. There’s just that much drama. [Ariel says: It’s all because of Jessica. That girl could find drama in a piece of salami.]

She hadn’t written a word for her “Eyes and Ears” column yet, and she still hadn’t thought of a topic for her history paper. And then there was Steven—something was going on with him that wasn’t quite right. It made her uneasy. And she couldn’t get over an even more alarming suspicion about her father and Ms. West.

Oh, and also there’s that whole thing where her dream boy might be interested in her twin sister, Jessica. We’re very conveniently reminded of this as another student bursts into the newspaper office to remind us that these three characters are basically the only people in the entire school.

Cara Walker burst noisily into the Oracle office […] “Liz,” Cara gushed breathlessly, “I’ve got a great idea for an [article]. The hottest new couple in the whole school is your very own sister, Jessica-”
“Jessica?” Elizabeth asked, surprised.
“[…] something like – ‘The hottest new couple at Sweet Valley High is the co-captain of the cheerleaders and the captain of the basketball team!'”

It’s pretty juicy.

“They were even seen up at Miller’s Point,” Cara continued. “And you know what goes on up there.”

“Yes, please tell me more about my sister’s implied sex life,” thought literally anyone in this scenario.

Elizabeth decides that since she doesn’t have anything else for her Eyes and Ears column, and since the evidence is clearly indicating that Todd Williams really likes Jessica, that this is the reality she must create for herself. [Ariel says: Given her identify as the writer of the Eyes and Ears column is supposed to be this huge secret, wouldn’t it be abundantly clear to Cara that Elizabeth stole her idea for an article and just used it in her shitty gossip column? To be fair, that’s actually where it belongs and not on, like, the front cover of this high school paper. That honour should always go to the hottest cliquerority news, of course.]

Elizabeth began typing it out, hardly noticing the tears that fell onto her typewriter keys. […]
Yes, Elizabeth told herself, they’re perfect for each other. I wish them the very best. I really do, she insisted as she folded her head in her arms and sobbed.

It’s like a melodramatic Plato’s Cave.

I’ve had weirdly lots of reasons to use Memento gifs on this blog recently, which has been great for letting me revisit when that hairstyle could possibly have been popular.

Suddenly, the school paper’s “good-looking adviser” (oh, California!) comes in and notices Elizabeth’s distress. She tells him her dilemma, but rushes out in tears when another character comes in with a reminder that these are the only three people in the entire school.

“Hey, Mr. Collins,” he said, “I’m the biggest idiot in the world. I’ve got the sports pages all laid out, and I can’t find the picture of Todd Wilkins.”

Sure enough, she runs into these only other people in the school, Todd and Jessica, then runs away again. The chapter’s perspective suddenly switches over to Jessica (which actually threw me for a loop, even though these books’ target audience are people a decade younger than me), who continues to try to manipulate Todd into asking her out instead of Elizabeth!

“My sister.” Jessica sighed and took Todd’s arm.
“Always in a hurry. Always rushing off to meet some guy.”

At the last minute, Todd balks from asking Jessica to be his date, reassures her there’s still plenty of time and leaves. Jessica gets so upset that she decides to… swing her hips about it.

Tears of angry frustration filled her eyes. She decided she would walk home from school. Whenever she was out walking, she never failed to attract a good deal of attention from passing cars.
The more the better, she thought, swinging her hips a little as she set off.

Chapter 5

Jessica gets said attention immediately, with maybe the worst pickup line ever.

“Pardon me, Heaven—which way to Mars?”

We learn a little bit about the man in “the jacked-up Camaro”, and it actually gets better. “Better”, meaning “wow, this writing actually got more absurd”.

She recognized him as Rick Andover, the most outrageous guy at Sweet Valley High—until he dropped out six months ago. […] He had the ice-cool handsomeness of a junior Clint Eastwood, and a hint of danger lurked in his sultry dark eyes. […] Jessica stared in fascination at the eagle emblem tattooed against the densely packed muscles of his forearm. […]
“I’m driving you home. That is, unless your mommy warned you never to take rides with strangers.”

Naturally, this is enough to woo Jessica into the car, where the dialogue gets… unsettling…

“Don’t worry,” she replied, arching an eyebrow. “I’m fighting off the urge to attack you.”
He shot her a look full of unmistakable meaning. “Just as long as you don’t fight too hard. I’m not used to taking no for an answer.”

Jessica, still feeling the sting of Todd’s rejection, agrees to go on a date with Rick the next night, and she drops her off at her house… and gives her a kiss! Jessica assures us the experience is sexy.

He smelled sexy, but in a strange way—like leather and gasoline.

Good thing she assured us. [Ariel says: Well if the book says it’s not creepy, I guess I have to agree! Just like all those times Gideon and Christian’s behaviour was romantic and not abusive and psychotic.]

Jessica keeps her date a secret from her family, including her mom who thinks that Rick is “headed straight for trouble!”, and Elizabeth, who suspects that Jessica is sneaking off on a date… but with Todd! When will the wacky misunderstandings end?

Chapter 6

Jessica, in “her sexiest red blouse”, meets up with Rick, whom the book couldn’t be making it more obvious that Rick is trouble if it were a Taylor Swift music video. [Ariel says: This actually seems like a perfect fit for Jessica. She’s also completely terrible – it’s a match made in troubling heaven (which is North of Mars I hear).]

“Where are we going?” Jessica asked as Rick’s Camaro shot over the winding valley road leading to the coast highway. Before he could say anything, she answered her own question: “I know—that’s for you to know and me to find out, right?”
“Right. Hey, you’re a fast learner. I can’t wait to see what else you’re good at.” […]
He talked the way he drove—fast and dangerously. […] She caught the faint smell of cigarettes and liquor on his breath.

Actually, it’s possible that T Swift was more subtle than this book, even though she’s literally going, “TROUBLE TROUBLE TROUBLE”

[Ariel says: What does talking dangerously entail? Is he mixing up his adjectives and adverbs?]

Rick takes her to Kelly’s, a bar with “the most notorious reputation [in] the whole valley”. Men stare at her, wolf whistle, and Rick orders ALCOHOL.

Rick ordered a couple of boilermakers, something Jessica had never heard of before. She was relieved to see that it was only beer, until the waitress placed two shot glasses of whiskey beside their foaming mugs. She didn’t even look at Jessica, much less ask for her I.D.

It is about this point where Jessica realizes that this was maybe a poor decision.

Rick’s eyes narrowed. “All tease and no tickle, huh? Didn’t your mommy tell you not to put anything in the window that you don’t sell in the store?” His fingers groped higher, and she noticed he was beginning to slur his words. [That was fast.]
This time there was no pretense in the way Jessica pulled away from Rick. Suddenly he didn’t seem so fascinating anymore. Just dangerous.

Rick refuses her request to take her home and forcibly makes out with her, a whole ten pages after we met him.

Just saying

Another man at the bar notices this and offers Jessica a ride, and then punches out Rick when he protests. Police show up, the bartender threatens to press charges, and Jessica’s lies get on a whoooole other level.

“Maybe it’s best for your parents to find out. They might stop you from doing something even worse the next time. Now, why don’t you give me your name?”
“Uh . . . Wakefield . . .” she managed to choke.
“Wakefield, huh?” The cop peered closely at her. “Sure, I know you. You’re a friend of my niece, Emily Mayer. I’ve heard her mention Elizabeth Wakefield.”
“Emily? Oh, sure!” Jessica ignored his mistake.

Man, I bet this wacky misunderstanding isn’t going to get around the whole school overnight somehow!

Chapter 7

Meanwhile, Elizabeth continues to conversely be the saddest of sacks.

The morning was bright and sunny, as it almost always was in Sweet Valley. Why can’t you get a cloudy day when you really need one? she mused.

She realizes she’s late to school – and for a science test! – and rushes out the door, ignoring Jessica, who says she needs to talk to her about something urgent! When will the madness end, you guys?

Not any time soon. We still have like 100 pages left.

Bruce Patman stepped out of the group. He was smirking.
“Didn’t know you had it in you, Wakefield. Really awesome.”
“What?” Elizabeth stopped short and faced Bruce.
“You know, Wakefield, you know. And now I know.”

[Ariel says: But how exactly do they all know? Obviously, Rick knew which twin he was really with, and I can’t imagine him having many friends to gossip with since he dropped out of school. That leaves the cop who started this whole mistaken identity nonsense. So this cop calls his niece late at night when he gets off his shift to gossip about Elizabeth Wakefield? IN WHAT WORLD?]

Elizabeth and Enid talk about Bruce, whom incidentally is gorgeous and rich and star of the tennis team (MORE BOYS, Y’ALL), before Enid turns the conversation to what everyone is talking about, but runs off to talk to Ronnie, looking “almost relieved to delay her conversation”. BUT THINGS GET WORSE.

“Why were you talking to her?” he asked, still frowning.
“To Liz? She’s my best friend!”
“Maybe you should be more careful about choosing friends. Everybody’s talking about that stunt she pulled last night.”
“Everybody? Ronnie, that’s not true. Besides, we haven’t heard Liz’s side yet.”
“Enid, it’s all over campus. Caroline Pearce saw the squad car bring Liz home.”

And now even Enid’s love life is in danger! Because somehow Caroline Pearce knew about the mistaken-identity conversation that happened in the bar just by seeing one of the Wakefield twins being driven home in a cop car. Jessica’s life-ruining powers are super powerful, you guys. [Ariel says: Oh my god, I was going to say the same exact thing! That’s why I really think it was actually the cop spreading gossip, because why the fuck would anyone assume it was Elizabeth getting out of a cop car. Clearly, it would be Jessica. Fucking JESSICA.]

Elizabeth gets home and GUYS, THERE IS MORE DRAMA

“Steve, you were supposed to go back to school last night,” Alice Wakefield said.
“Mom, don’t get uptight. I didn’t miss anything important today.”
“That’s not the point. You’re being very secretive.”

What’s up with Steve?! I dunno, he’s been in the book, like, once. So far this subplot is just “Steve has a problem too”.

Enid finally explains what’s up to Elizabeth on the phone later, and after freaking out, Elizabeth figures out what somehow nobody else in the entire school could:

In a flash, though, Elizabeth realized that she did know someone who would speak to [Rick]—Jessica!

Doesn’t everybody know that Elizabeth and Jessica are twins? And maybe have gleaned some small details of how the two are different? How has this not occurred to a single person? [Ariel says: Chapter 1 clearly established that you can see their personality differences in their eyes. It can’t be that hard to figure out the truth about what happened last night.]

Elizabeth confronts Jessica, but Jessica has yet another problem. God, being a rich, white, beautiful blonde teenager in California sounds tough.

“Our brother, a member of the Wakefield family, has been spending every weekend,” Jessica got out between sobs, “with Betsy Martin!” […]
“Jess, are you sure? I can’t believe it. Betsy’s been doing drugs for years—she sleeps around—”
“And her father gets bombed out of his mind every night,” Jessica said wildly.

Yep, this is probably worse than the “Jessica got Elizabeth put on parole” thing. I bet there isn’t even a non-romantic explanation for Steve hanging out with Betsy! That would just be too wacky for this book.

Well, the inevitable is finally here. The Fifty Shades of Grey movie comes out this weekend. Holy crap.

But before it comes out, I’d like to engage in a quick thought experiment. What if it’s not the worst thing that has ever happened? Is there any way this movie could still be, dare I say it, good? What would it have to do?

Well, let’s think about it for a second.

It Has To Rewrite Everything. Everything.

I don’t just mean the bits that everyone knows. The “double crap” and the “Come for me, Ana” and Ana’s subconscious, libido, and orgasms as explosions. I mean everything. E L James can’t write for shit, and including so much as one line of dialogue (or even one “aw geez”) crosses the thin line from “artistic production” to Camp Fanservice.

The AV Club ran a piece yesterday with similar thoughts, and observed that by virtue of being a movie, Fifty Shades has already solved a great deal of its most notorious flaw:

Just by dint of this being a movie, the prose issue vanishes. It is extremely difficult to transfer any author’s voice from one medium to another, a fact that hurts adaptations of, say, William Faulkner, but can only work in the film’s favor here. E.L. James may struggle to depict emotions or interactions, but that doesn’t mean Taylor-Johnson won’t be able to stage them.

I’d argue against some of the article’s conclusions, namely how great an achievement it is that “the only franchise in which all the reins are held by women” when the whole point of the franchise is how great one damn dude is. But it’s definitely onto something worth considering with the prose issue. The question is whether the remaining dialogue will receive any similar benefits, because those don’t have the luxury of simply being erased. The promotional clips don’t look terribly promising, with the “I mean, look at me” and the extra cringe-worthy, “Like your Xbox and stuff?” But maybe the rest of it could not sound like it was written by a ten-year-old.

It Has To Acknowledge That Christian Grey Is A Predator

Fifty Shades of Grey is DEEPLY problematic. This isn’t a subjective thing. Christian Grey is an controlling stalker with extremeley patriarchal views about women. Emotionally abusive relationships masquerade as the truest of true love. BDSM is depicted as a mental illness that can be cured with love. None of this is “my” reading. This is in the DNA of Fifty Shades.

Ariel and I have written over 150,000 words about all of this (I counted). It would be pointless to try to recap any of them further. But I will quote Roxane Gay‘s Bad Feminist, because fuck yeah, Roxane Gay:

[T]hese books are really about Ana trying to change/save Christian from his demons – she is the virginal good girl who can lead the dark bad boy to salvation, as if, historically, trying to change a man has ever worked out so well. […]After all the trials this couple faces, and after all the hot sex, we’re supposed to think this trilogy is about a young woman and her happily-ever-after. It’s not. Ana’s sexual awakening is a convenient vehicle for the awakening of Christian’s humanity. Fifty Shades is about a man finding peace and happiness because he finally finds a woman willing to tolerate his bullshit for long enough.

Also importantly, because you can’t simply choose one Roxane Gay quote:

The Fifty Shades books have also opened the door for pundits, including Ellen DeGeneres, to treat the BDSM lifestyle with derision, mockery, and outright ignorance. […] The books are, essentially, a detailed primer for how to successfully engage in a controlling, abusive relationship.

So what can the movies do? Can it change all of these things? The smart money would almost certainly not be on “yes”. It could try to tone them down, certainly, and given the absurd, Christian Grey’s penis-sized length of the books, it would almost have to for its film adaptation. But what I would argue instead is that in terms of addressing how inherently problematic it is, it might be less important to fix it and more important to not apologize for it.

It would be tempting to reframe any element of this story, to make excuses, or to rationalize. No “Oh, but he’s such a troubled man!” No “Yes, but this is really about…” No. The movie needs to own it, and say, “Yes, this is bad. This is not how healthy people behave, and there is no redemption to be found in this.” There’s no way to exorcise the demons from this story. What’s important is that the movie acknowledges its demons, and doesn’t try to pass them off as Christian Grey’s demons.

Once again, the AV Club article does bring this up: it’s a very promising sign that there were creative spats between the film’s director, Sam Taylor-Johnson, and the book’s author, E L James. It’s anyone’s guess as to whether the inherent nature of adaptation will be enough to pry the story from problematic hands. But, then again, given that last week’s Gawker piece has that one E L James quote that really says it all:

“I’m pretty sure the millions of fans who have the read the trilogy will think there is enough sex.”

Maybe the famously self-published Fifty Shades of Grey will finally get the editor it desperately needed.

It Has To Be Corny As Fuck, And Know It

Let’s be real here. It could totally nail those first two things, but there are some things where the movie is simply at the mercy of its source material. Meaning this story. Fifty Shades of Grey is an absurd goddamn story.

But is that inherently a problem? Not at all! Two of last year’s biggest, most-talked-about movies were The LEGO Movie and Guardians of the Galaxy, and while they definitely had their emotional, even poignant, moments, they were primarily just fun. And they were fun because they were self-aware. And that is what Fifty Shades of Grey needs to be if it doesn’t want to be fifty shades of vomit you can’t clean out of your carpet. It’s a story about a white girl and a rich white man who fall in love. That’s just inherently corny.

What the Fifty Shades movie has to do is embrace the cheese. This is not an emotional story. This is not a serious story. This is not a story that will touch the souls of millions and let them let love into their hearts again. This is not a timeless tale of timeless love. It’s a doofy melodrama with maximum doofiness. But these aren’t negative qualities, unless you want them to be by making a Sisyphean effort to make Fifty Shades “serious”. Nobody goes to Rocky Horror Picture Show going, “Oh, the pathos!” And Rocky Horror knows that. It is that. And that’s why it’s great. And that’s what Fifty Shades should do. Maybe the Guardian’s advance review indicating that the movie steers away from the EDGY SEX and towards a simple, campy meet-cute could be a step in this much-needed direction.

It Has To Cast Lisa’s Mom In The Room As Ana’s Mom

They already totally messed that one up. How do you mess this up? She was the same character!

I’ve spent a great deal of time hating Fifty Shades. This isn’t the only piece I wrote about the problems of Fifty Shades that will even be published this week. But the nice thing about adaptation is that it’s different. It’s new. It’s not the same. True, it could be just as shit, if not shittier, than the books. There’s something delightfully exciting about the prospect of a Fifty Shades movie that manages to be worse than the book. But there’s also something exciting about the potential of a work to become something beyond what it was, as a different work entirely, through adaptation. And it’s with that mindset that I’ll go into my reviews and opinions during Bad Books, Good Times’ coverage of the Fifty Shades of Grey movie next week. I can’t say that this will be the same mindset Ariel goes in with for her pieces, or that Ariel’s boyfriend goes in with for his contributions, or that my girlfriend will go in with for her “can we please leave already?” impressions through tiny gaps in her fingers over her eyes.

Not that don’t expect it will be shit. But there are ways it might not be.

Insurgent Chapter 40

Tris and Christina meet the Erudite who are hiding out at Amity in their dorm room in order to share their Super Amazing Plan of Planitude to save the mysterious Erudite data. I can’t even remember what the plan supposedly is, only that they apparently have one.

Christina and I just finished explaining our plan, which sounded a lot dumber with more than a dozen Erudite staring us down as we talked.

I like to imagine Tris and Christina just basically stood there gurgling because that’s how much sense Tris’ plans usually make.

“Your plan is flawed,” Cara says. She is the first to respond.

“That’s why we came to you,” I say. “So you could tell us how to fix it.”

Translation: I came here so you could think of a plan for me.

“Well, first of all, this important data you want to rescue,” she says.

“Putting it on a disc is a ridiculous idea. Discs just end up breaking or in the wrong person’s hands, like all other physical objects. I suggest you make use of the data network.”

“The…what?”

Is Cara talking about putting the data on the Cloud? I wonder if Erudite stores all of their top secret information on Google Drive.

Insurgent explains the internet:

Cara looks back at me. “Many of the computers in the Erudite compound are set up to access data from the computers in other factions.That’s how it was so easy for Jeanine to run the attack simulation from a Dauntless computer instead of an Erudite one.”

“What?” says Christina. “You mean you can just take a stroll through every faction’s data whenever you want?”

“You can’t ‘take a stroll’ through data,” the young man says. “That’s illogical.”

I’m getting the sense that everyone from Erudite is basically just Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory.

Cara suggest that they send the data to all the factions so it can’t be destroyed. She also goes on to say that some of the Good!Erudite will accompany Tris and Christina to help them navigate Erudite headquarters and to provide them with useful spy gadgets.

Gadgets like the Glass Breaking Thingamabob of Distraction:

“It emits a signal that you can’t hear, but that will cause glass to shatter.”

Gadgets like an everyday taser stunner:

Cara grins at him, and explains, “If I touched you with this stunner right now, it would be extremely painful, and then it would disable you. Fernando found that out the hard way yesterday. I made it so that the Amity would have a way of defending themselves without shooting anyone.”

Because I guess tasing is the most peaceful form of violence?

Tris muses over the the fact that her father never told her Erudite could be playful/critique their faction/help her even after she killed one of their brothers. No time for thwarting low and weird expectations, there’s a dumb plan to finish planning now that we’re armed with tasers and glass breakers!

The attack will begin in the afternoon, before it is too dark to see the blue armbands that mark some of the Dauntless as traitors.

Crazy thought, but what if the Dauntless traitors just remove their Evil Awareness Bands? This plan is deeply flawed.

As soon as our plans are finalized, we walk through the orchard to the clearing where the trucks are kept.

That was it?? The plan is just, “We’re going to attack people with blue armbands, aaaaand break!”

Tris and her faction variety pack head to Erudite to enact their vague plan in the Amity trucks.

Johanna hops down from the hood. In the back of the truck she was just sitting on is a stack of crates marked APPLES and FLOUR and CORN. It’s a good thing we only have to fit two people in the back.

Sweet ride, dudes.

I feel calm until we reach the fence. I expect to encounter the same guards who tried to stop us on the way in, but the gate is abandoned, left open. A tremor starts in my chest and spreads to my hands. In the midst of meeting new people and making plans, I forgot that my plan is to walk straight into a battle that could claim my life. Right after I realized that my life was worth living.

Tris: Shit, while I was making the plan I forgot that it was a completely terrible plan that is about as much of a plan as Justin Bieber is a respectable human being.

Does anyone else miss death wish Tris? I do a little bit. At least she didn’t care when her plans were fucking terrible.

No one is attacking them, so the gang figures someone tipped Jeanine off. Tris starts thinking about Erudite informants and gets to thinking about her brother. She asks Fernando (random Erudite #2) if he remembers Caleb.

“Caleb,” Fernando says. “Yes, there was a Caleb in my initiate class. Brilliant, but he was … what’s the colloquial term for it? A suck-up.” He smirks. “There was a bit of a division between initiates. Those who embraced everything Jeanine said and those who didn’t. Obviously I was a member of the latter group. Caleb was a member of the former.”

The chapter ends with a sort of melencholy moment that I like where Tris doesn’t reveal Caleb is her brother. Fernando suggests that Tris shouldn’t judge Caleb too harshly:

“I wouldn’t judge him too harshly,” says Fernando. “Jeanine can be extraordinarily persuasive to those who aren’t naturally suspicious. I have always been naturally suspicious.”

[…]

“Yeah,” I say. “So have I.”

This scene is so nice because Tris doesn’t give us a painfully on the nose explanation for why this is a poignant scene. It’s just a really nice way to highlight how different she’s always been from her brother and how she realizes she didn’t really know him at all.

My question is, is anyone watching Hindsight on VH1? I know I probably lost you at VH1 because you’re skeptical they can ever reclaim the magic that was lost when Rock of Love went off the air, but I really really love this new show. It’s a scripted show! Not another reality show! And there’s 90s songs in it constantly because the main character time travels back to her life in the 90s. It’s so good.

Chapter 41

Tris’s plan to actively work against her friends’ plan to overthrow Erudite begins in earnest, as Tris and the others reach the city and hear gunfire. To be fair, Tris’s PTSD continues to be one of the few things in this book that is interesting to read:

For a moment I am disoriented, and all I can see are the leaders of Abnegation on their knees on the pavement and the slack-faced Dauntless with guns in hand; all I can see is my mother turning to embrace the bullets, and Will dropping to the ground. […] My mother told me to be brave. But if she had known that her death would make me so afraid, would she have sacrificed herself so willingly?

Except we’re still hanging out with Tris’s new gang of Erudite defectors, so guess which member of The Breakfast Club we’re spending the next couple chapters with?

“Insurgent,” [Fernando] says. “Noun. A person who acts in opposition to the established authority, who is not necessarily regarded as a belligerent.”

But really, though, Divergent is basically Breakfast Club fanfiction, except if it were dystopian, and only a few people got to be a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess, and a criminal.

“Did she just call you ‘Stiff’?” Fernando says.
“Yeah,” I say. “I transferred into Dauntless from Abnegation.”
“Huh.” He frowns. “That’s quite a shift. That kind of leap in personality between generations is almost genetically impossible these days.”
“Sometimes personality has nothing to do with a person’s choice of faction,”

I don’t even know what question this book is trying to answer anymore.

“Your personality is determined by your genetics except when it’s not!” *”Don’t You Forget About Me” starts playing*

As they get closer to the action, Tris struggles to figure out how to arm herself, given her ongoing gun phobia, which is a major theme in this book. But not in the upcoming movie adaptation, apparently.

“We need to make a poster! What’s this movie about?” “idk mindless stunts?” “PERFECT.”

Christina tries to talk Tris into taking a gun by – basically – telling her that Will would tell her to quit being a fucking baby over it. Cara the Amity says that the stunner is just as good. Tris goes with Cara’s logic on this one somehow.

As they approach the Erudite headquarters (somehow completely avoiding the Dauntless+Factionless assault, so, uhh…), they run into a group of armed Candor, obviously under a simulation. Tris tests out whether they can get past them by walking in front of them.

No, really.

I step toward the Candor. Maybe they aren’t programmed to shoot. […] I take another step.
Bang. By instinct I drop to the ground, covering my head with my arms, and scramble backward, toward Fernando’s shoes.
He helps me to my feet. “How about let’s not do that?” he says.

Tris decides that the only other way into the building now is to go from the windows of the adjacent building into the the windows of Erudite headquarters. This is really what’s happening.

Chapter 42

Also, the the brain is still here.

“Oh! Sorry, Nando.” [Christina said.]
“Nando?” I say to him. “I thought the Erudite didn’t like nicknames?”
“When a pretty girl calls you by a nickname,” he says, “it is only logical to respond to it.”

Ugh, I can’t wait for Fernando to be the next completely disposable minor character to get killed off in Divergent‘s never-ending quest to be intense.

They find a ladder to scale between the two buildings (which is somehow completely not noticed by the firefight that’s supposedly surrounding them) and prop it up between the ledges of the two buildings.

“Time to break the glass,” I say.
Fernando takes the glass-breaking device from his pocket and offers it to me. “You probably have the best aim.”

Wait, you mean the device that was explicitly introduced as a way to break all the windows in an area as a distraction? Why would they use it-

It bounces onto the windowsill and rolls into the glass. An orange light flashes, and all at once the window— and the windows above, below, and next to it— shatters into hundreds of tiny pebbles that shower over the Candor below.

What was the point of that? There’s no one to distract now. Why throw this device at the wrong strategic moment, risking missing, before even climbing across the street to the window? What’s stopping them from climbing over and breaking the glass themselves? And I really can’t get over this – isn’t this supposed to be a distraction? Like, as a way to draw attention to something? Like where you’re going to be climbing?

At the same time , the Candor twist and fire up into the sky.

I hate all these fucking people.

Due to total bullshit, the Candor stop shooting after the one round. Sure, the book will tell you it’s because “they only sense movement”, but we totally know it’s because it was just convenient to not have their strategic fuck up not actually be a total fuck up.

As you can imagine, the last chapter ended with a contrived reason to include another mindless stunt in this book, so this chapter is a bland and trite action sequence. Seriously, if an action sequence is a painting, the action sequences in the Divergent series are paint-by-number.

There’s danger!

The ladder feels about as solid and stable as an aluminum can. It creaks and sags beneath my weight.

The danger gets worse!

The ladder shifts, moving closer to the edge of the window frame on the other side. […] I miss the edge of the rung.

The danger gets AS SUPER CLOSE TO BEING AS BAD AS IT COULD POSSIBLY BE!

The ladder jerks to the left [and] It is now supported by just a millimeter of concrete.

JUST A MILLIMETER? You don’t say!

Tris makes it to the other side and gets discovered by an Erudite woman, but – as Tris and the others are disguised as Erudite! – tricks her into thinking she’s an Erudite by acting like an asshole, because none of the five factions in this book are an affinity for subtlety.

Interestingly (mostly because I’ve been ragging on the Faction system a ton in this chapter), Tris actually has her first “fuck the faction system” moment:

“It’s just . . .” [Christina] pauses. “ You had aptitude for Erudite, didn’t you?”
“Does it matter?” I say too sharply. “The factions are destroyed, and it was all stupid to begin with.”

Christina, Marcus, and Cara all climb across the ladder. Fernando has some heavy-handed symbolism.

Halfway across the alley, I see something slip out of his pocket. It is his spectacles. [They] fall, hit the edge of the ladder, and topple to the pavement.

the Candor below twist and fire upward. Fernando yells, and collapses against the ladder. One bullet hit his leg. I didn’t see where the others went, but I know when I see blood drip between the rungs of the ladder that it was not a good place. […]
“Don’t be an idiot!” he says, his voice weak. “Leave me.”
It is the last thing he says.

As we lose another minor character, let us remember Fernando, and that time he tried to hit on Christina and also did the title drop.

Question of the day! So… who’s seeing Fifty Shades this weekend?

As you might have imagined, Ariel and I have had lots of thoughts about the Fifty Shades movie. It’s with considerable excitement that I can share one of my more carefully considered ideas about it with all of you, which you can read (get excited) over at NPR.

I have a new freelance piece on NPR’s pop culture news and analysis blog Monkey See, If You’re Looking For Stories To Challenge Taboos, Forget ‘Fifty Shades’. It’s about our willingness to break taboo about sexual content in “high” art as opposed to “low” art, and how the difference between them ironically demonstrates an unwillingness to do so at all. Go read it! I talk about Fifty Shades, Y Tu Mamá También, and why we seem to care about breaking taboo when we do.

This is also a good time to announce that next week, Bad Books, Good Times is completely dedicating coverage to the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. We didn’t feel that writing a single review and being done with it was our style, so we’re taking a break from our books and writing about the movie all next week? Is it overkill? Pffft, like Fifty Shades is anything other than overkill.

See you for Fifty Shades snark next week, and over at NPR today!

Matt made this nifty logo for Snark Week. Best blog partner ever!

Today my boyfriend [Jeremy says: Hi ] and I went to see the Fifty Shades of Grey film, and the nicest thing I can say is that I enjoyed it more than the first book! Overall, the whole experience of seeing the movie, though, was…odd, mundane, and frankly pretty boring.

We saw the movie at a cinema in Leicester Square, and I only mention the location because between the previews and the movie starting, all of a sudden the curtains shut. I jokingly suggested to Jeremy that someone was going to come out on stage to MC the film, but then someone actually fucking got on stage. Random Odeon Employee walks out and, I shit you not, says, “Fifty Shades of Grey premiered here Thursday, and Jamie Dornan, Dakota Johnson and EL James were all in attendance at this very theatre. With that in mind, please enjoy Fifty Shades of Grey.” 

Well thanks, guy. Now that I know Dornan and Johnson were lacking chemistry all over this room, that will definitely increase my enjoyment of this movie tenfold! I can understand why cheesesteak joints in Philadelphia find it necessary to put pictures of celebrities who have enjoyed their cheesesteaks up on the wall (if it was good enough for Bruce Willis than it’s good enough for me!), but why the fuck would I care that an actor came to the movie premier in a certain cinema? It’s not like they were in the room while I was watching and this introduction was a massive hint that I shouldn’t laugh at all the wrong times or snort loudly whenever Christian uttered a classically laughable line like, “I don’t make love. I fuck. Hard.”

I think what shocked me the most was that there were people laughing hysterically at what are arguably the right times. To be fair, Johnson did deliver some lines very charmingly and they came across much cuter and sometimes wittier than in the books. But I think the fits of laughter caused by stupid lines such as, “Like your X-box and stuff?” were because the majority of the audience was comprised of large groups of middle-aged women dressed like they were going on a night out.

I’m sure these groups of gal pals were thrilled by the sex scenes, which were significantly better than the ones in the books (because there was never any dialogue or a mention of Ana’s subconscious or inner goddess), but still pretty dull overall.

But Ariel, why were these sex scenes so dull? Well, concerned reader, it was because no matter how many terrible things the movie managed to filter out, no matter how many times Ana doesn’t utter “holy crap”, it doesn’t create a plot or a convincing love story. It doesn’t hide the fact that the “story” is still just a bunch of disjointed scenes where we’re supposed to believe in Ana and Christian’s love story which blossomed in all of 30 unconvincing seconds.

Even the BDSM-ish sex scenes, accompanied by dramatic music that put me on edge and made me feel as though Christian was going to suddenly murder Ana, were pretty tame. Christian ties Ana’s hands together! Christian spanks Ana a couple times! Christian brushes Ana’s skin with a peacock feather…while her hands are tied! [Jeremy says: There was, however, a great scene where the director manages to make Christian whipping Anna look like some sort of slave persecution scene from an epic biblical film.]

The movie was very pretty, but it was all superficial with no substance. And when I say pretty, I mean, some of Ana’s dresses were amazing and the shots of Seattle were great.

The saddest thing, though, is that I could actually have argued in favour of a bit of substance if this wasn’t a trilogy. Walk with me for a minute. If you just look at the movie as its own piece of work separate from the book, it was a big fat OK. Sure, sometimes the scenes between Ana and Christian were just completely wooden, but sometimes they were nice. The sex scenes were fine and there were no mentions of “detonations” or “OH MY, he touched me….down there.” And you could argue that the story is all about innocent Ana getting sucked into Christian’s world, realizing it’s not for her because he’s got a darkness that can’t just be cured by The Power of Love, and then when it gets too much she finds her strength and leaves him.

That’s actually not all that terrible. It makes the last scene of the movie pretty cool. I think Johnson did a great job with the final scene, and I think it was great they left out the part where Christian gives Ana that dumb model glider at the end. I liked that instead they ended it on a moment that echoed their first meeting when Christian and Ana say one another’s names as she’s getting into the elevator. If that was the end, I’d still think this story was flawed as shit (I am still not convinced of their epic love at all. I’m pretty sure they never hold a conversation about, like, anything), but I could have argued in favour of it a whole lot more. Knowing that it’s a trilogy, that Ana and Christian get back together in like a day and that her ~love~ is all powerful and healz all his tragic man-pain, renders any ground the movie gained with me completely lost.

Even though I think the director may have tried to tone down Christian’s creepiness, it’s just inevitable, like all the movies in the trilogy making shit loads of money no matter what. The scene where he gets angry at Ana for drinking too much still comes across as weird and disconcerting even though Jamie Dornan, bless him, is tryin’ real hard to just seem concerned. All the times he orders her to eat make me uncomfortable. And there were 3-5 times he scares the crap out of Ana (like when he shows up at work, when he shows up in her apartment, when he shows up in Georgia. Are we seeing a pattern?) It’s impossible to hide how creepy Christian is and how this very easily could have been a horror movie.

To be extra fair to the movie, though, I really liked Ana’s drunken side of the conversation when she calls Christian and he tells her off. Johnson was cute and funny during it, and there’s a nice touch where she makes an awkward comment to the girl waiting in line near her for the bathroom. It made me miss watching her in Ben and Kate (RIP). Although I don’t think there was consistent chemistry between the actors and sometimes the lines were painfully wooden, there were some good moments on the parts of both Johnson and Dornan.

You’re welcome, you two.

I haven’t even touched on the minor characters yet [Jeremy says: Where the fuck even was Rita Ora?], and I have quite a bit to say about their scenes (or lack thereof.) So tune in when I write about the weird 30 second dinner scene with Christian’s family, Elliot, Jose “dios mio” Rodriguez, Kate, and Mia who was in it for maybe 2.5 seconds. We also need to talk about how Ana only ate one piece of toast the whole movie, and how there were a lot of pubes. I’m sorry for putting toast and pubes in the same sentence.

Just a head’s up, Matt and I are still super excited about Snark Week, but we’ve both had some unexpected craziness come up for both of us, so our content schedule is a bit up in the air. We’ll post when we can, and of course we’re dying to hear what you guys thought of the movie or if you have any awesome links to share with us about the film.

Today’s Snark Week post is a guest post from our friend Ellen (not the Ellen who did Cosmo Red Hot Reds for us. We know a lot of Ellens.) Ellen is also a bad movie night aficionado and The Room fanatic, so she went to the theaters for us with a specific mission: does Fifty Shades of Grey work as a bad movie night movie?

With the launch of the Fifty Shades of Grey movie upon us, a friend of mine and I decided to contact Matthew. In college, we had many a bad movie night with all of our friends with a similar appreciation for so-bad-its-good films and several adult beverages, including timeless bad movie classics like Troll 2 and The Room (which I agree with Matthew is still the best bad movie of all time and I will accept no substitutes). We were curious to see if Fifty Shades could potentially join the questionable cinema canon of bad movies, and therefore gave it the full bad movie night treatment:

Mostly the wine. But Trader Joe’s is great too.

My interaction with Fifty Shades before the film was minimal: a housemate of mine directed me to a copy of the book we had lying around the day before Valentine’s Day, so I decided to see how far in the book I could get before seeing the movie on the following day. 5-6 hours of speed reading (and gaining a newfound respect for Matthew and Ariel) later, I can honestly say I ironically enjoyed myself for the first half of the book, with its questionable word choice and even more questionable character motivations. However, as the pages wore on, I got more and more bored with the joke and kind of just wanted it to end. This also might explain why I finished the last 80 pages in 20 minutes.

In the film, the main source of unintentional amusement turns out to be the line delivery. In this regard, the opening interview scene sets the tone for the rest of the film. Two images from this scene summarize the rest of the movie pretty well:

Dakota Johnson’s Anastasia Steele continues her glassy-eyed stare and breathy commentary on just about everything up until the last five minutes, which leads to some delightful unintentional comedy, like when she asks Christian if there are XBoxes in the playroom with doe-eyed earnestness and a waver in her voice. For his part, Jamie Dornan’s Christian Grey delivered everything in a huffy baritone with an *edge* on it and a permanent furrow in his brow, which made his parting “laters baby”s all the more amusing. Lines like these were helped (or something) immensely by the deadpan delivery, and elicited some of the larger laughs of the evening.

Unfortunately, dialogue fumbles on the level of “Laters” and “are there XBoxes” do not occur consistently enough to make the film enjoyable all the way through, and most are front-loaded in the script, though a late breaking “I’m fifty shades of fucked up” resuscitated the audience briefly near the end. The unchanging line delivery in particular does not hold up well after about the midway point of the film, as the novelty of it wears off.

Where the source material managed to fail, some directorial choices contributed to unintentionally humorous moments. As a diehard Bruce Springsteen fan, I was a little scared that my beloved Boss would show up in the film, given that EL James mentions a Bruce song during a car ride with Christian (Ana’s chipper “Gotta love Bruce” line almost made me throw the book across the room in disgust). Mercifully, Fifty Shades’s only venture into pure classic rock would be Rolling Stones’ “Beast of Burden.” Another large unintentional laugh followed, since, dear God, a film that thinks “Laters baby” is a sexy parting phrase does not have the right to invoke Mick Jagger:

Christian Grey’s got nothing on this.

But as it turns out, AWOLNATION provides a cover version of hands-down the creepiest Springsteen song there is, I’m On Fire, to the soundtrack of the film. Their version somehow manages to out-creepy the Boss’s by changing the tone from Springsteen’s lovestruck balladeering that takes the edge off the song’s stalker-y lyrics and replacing it with a slicker take that removes all charm and makes the song downright predatory-sounding. Thankfully, it was so quiet that I absolutely missed it in the initial viewing and only found out about this tragic development when I went onto iTunes to see if Beast of Burden made it onto the official soundtrack. I am to this day torn over whether this counts as Springsteen inclusion in the film since it is both very subtle and not Boss vocals, but the fact that I am even contemplating this is still making me slightly mad at the soundtrack gods.

Another directorial addition that was undeniably a so-bad-its-good positive development was the creative usage of pencils. For instance, when Ana is taking notes at the beginning of the film, she starts nomming down on the end of a Grey House pencil in a deliciously un-subtle moment. It could almost have been an attempt to give the viewing audience the misguided notion that the film was trying to be self aware, though unfortunately this self-awareness does not last.

Though the comically bad line delivery and episodes of self-awareness were brief, the garden-variety bad pacing of the movie was consistent from curtain to close. For a story with so few distinct plot points, the directors somehow decided that the best approach would be to race through them as fast as humanly possible with limited concern for exposition. Ana and Christian move at a superhuman speed through the opening interview, which, given in the deadpan lines I’ve lingered on previously, makes it seem like they are just reading the lines off a page and trying to get this damn movie over with as fast as possible. Moving on, Christian’s photo shoot takes under a minute, Ana graduates college at warp speed (and as someone who has been to a college graduation in my day, those things NEVER move fast, ever), and all of a sudden she’s being whisked from Vancouver to Seattle to Georgia without any concern for explaining why she’s going there or how. As someone who had read the books (albeit barely, hours before), I found these pacing issues just moderately annoying. It did become a legitimate problem to people like my theater-going friend who had never read the book, and I found myself having to explain major plot points like, yes, that is Ana’s mother and yes, Ana somehow teleported to Georgia in the past few seconds. Since the point of a Bad Movie Night is to laugh at something that becomes silly because it doesn’t make sense, rather than to have to think hard about understanding it (there should be a certain degree of alcohol in the way by that point), I can’t help but think of this as a negative for viewing Fifty Shades in a Bad Movie Night context.

I wish I could say that the film blew through the sex scenes at the same breakneck pace. The fact that I am only mentioning the sex scenes now is telling; they were, as Christian would say, rather vanilla. I know they had to dial back the ridiculousness (read: tampons) for the big screen, but there’s only so many times you can tie wrists together before it all kind of runs together and becomes indistinguishable. I honestly don’t have much to say on them because there wasn’t much to them; there’s no visible passion (unsurprisingly, given Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson’s now-famous lack of chemistry) and though they are not as repetitive as, say, The Room’s blatant recycling of the same sex scenes, once you tie Ana up with a necktie, tying her up with ropes really isn’t that much different and you could have just used the same footage for all I cared.

The verdict? I wouldn’t say Fifty Shades of Grey is a complete waste as a bad movie, for at least a little while. I did laugh a fair amount in the theater, and I was lucky to be in a not-completely-full house of people that were willing to laugh right along with me. Even the theater helped us out too by playing an ad for Trojan before showing the film. However, the flat delivery does wear thin after a while, and the choicest bits of shoddy dialogue are definitely front loaded in the film to make the viewer very much ready to leave by the time the credits roll. I’d give the same advice to unintentional comedy fans for the book and the film: don’t go out of the way to see the film or read the book. I certainly regret shelling out $11 for the movie, and I got the book for free. So if you find a way to get the book or view the film for cheap, it’s good for a few laughs while the gags are still funny. But, despite the characters’ own exhausting enthusiasm for their sexy exploits, neither is worth finishing.

It also ruined my pre-Fifty Shades dinner, which I realized was unintentionally thematic.

I made butternut squash. Everything is a phallus.

I don’t know if you guys heard, but the Fifty Shades of Grey movie recently came out. I’m pretty sure a few people have seen it. For those of you who haven’t (or for those of you who love to discuss the differences between film adaptations and the books they’re based on), I’ve started to put together A Definitive List of differences. Except it’s probably not definitive at all because I saw the movie once and this is purely based on my memory of the movie and my memory of what happened in each book. I’m sure you all understand how those books blur together.

Fun fact: Occasionally when I had to google things like “When does Christian shave Ana” Bad Books, Good Times came up as the first result or high up on the list! Thank you past Ariel and Matthew for reading bad books so I don’t have to keep precious space in my memory free for them.

Differences Between the Fifty Shades of Grey Book and Film

1) Tragically, Ana’s inner goddess and subconscious were not hanging out, reading Dickens and dancing around wearing feathered boas. I mean, I’m sure that was all still happening in Ana’s mind, but we were no longer subjected to it on a near constant basis.

2) No tampon scene. Obvs. This has been talked about at length already, but this post would not be complete without mentioning this missing moment.

3) Mia and Ethan were (almost) completely nonexistent. Was Kate’s brother even in this at all? In the books, Christian was all jealous of him because he was an attractive male who spoke to Ana, but then Mia is all about Ethan. I think Mia had one line, thus she is almost as non-existent as Ethan.

4) The big family dinner was 30 seconds long. Seriously! Ana and Christian date a week…Christian makes a huge deal about how he doesn’t do relationships…but he’s calling Ana his girlfriend and not acting weird at all about bringing her to family dinner? Then after all that they talk to his family for a hot minute and then just go argue elsewhere about their relationship. I think in the books we at least had to sit through the entirety of the boring family dinner.

5) No model glider kit gift at the end of the movie. At the end of the book, when Ana is all sad about leaving Christian, she leaves him this gift to remind them of happier, gliding times :(. Just in case we’d somehow forgotten that they went on a stupid glider date. I was all for the removal of this.

[A special thank you to Leanne for pointing out that it wasn’t Christian who gifted this to Ana. I’m a terrible authority on Fifty Shades!]

literally got all the gifs from http://perezhilton.com/2014-07-24-jamie-dornan-50-shades-of-grey-trailer-christian-grey-gifs/?from=post today yayy

6) Instead of acknowledging that somehow Ana didn’t have an email address, the movie leaves this distracting detail out and instead has Ana mention that she’s having “computer trouble” a couple times.

7) The whole part of the book where Christian upgrades Ana to first class when she’s going to Georgia (and she gets a massage in the first class lounge and sends sassy emails to Christian that of course piss him off) was completely cut. I really do think everyone involved was like, “Shit…we need to at least attempt to make him not seem completely psychotic.”

8) No dialogue during the sex scenes. Remember the good old days when Christian would essentially be like, “Hold on, Anastasia I’m going to come!” And Ana would be like, “Oh my, triple craaaaaap I’m about to detonate.” Well, despite EL James purported creative control, this terrible dialogue was mercifully absent from the movie.

9) Even though they kept Paul Clayton in the movie, there was really 0 purpose because he doesn’t ask Ana out multiple times. It makes Christian’s accusation that Paul’s into Ana seem even more random and paranoid than it did in the books somehow.

10) Christian doesn’t given Ana a Blackberry. It would have been hilarious if they had kept this Very Important detail in the film.

11) In the books, Jose and Ana’s reconciliation is handled poorly, but in the film it’s not handled at all. One second he’s coming onto Ana even when she’s telling him to stop and fleeing when she starts to puke, and the next he’s cheerfully moving Ana and Kate into their new apartment.

I love this.

12) The movie is weirdly obsessed with…hands. Like there are constant, lingering shots of hands.

13) Kate is really likeable in the movie. It could be because she’s barely in it, but when she was I enjoyed her! Maybe it’s because in the book Kate’s only characteristic was that she was nosy – in the movie she’s just pleasantly fucking Elliot and being nice.

14) Continuing on from 13, I thought in the first book Kate was always confronting Christian for making Ana sad/being generally suspicious of him. The whole NDA that prevents Ana from talking about Christian with Kate barely factors into anything in the film, but in the book Ana struggled with not being able to talk to Kate about anything that was going on.

15) Didn’t Ana have her internship already lined up in the first book? Didn’t Christian try to convince her to work with him – more than just suggesting his company has internships going. Which, seriously, what the fuck would that internship entail? Businessing the business of business? WHAT DOES GREY INDUSTRIES DO????. I thought Ana had the internship when she moved to Seattle, but Jack Hyde doesn’t become a threat until later.

16) But where were the vaginal balls?

Please share any differences you can think of and I will add them to the list (crediting you of course).

I’ll have more of my own thoughts and a more traditional review of the Fifty Shades of Grey movie later this week (I promise!), but I wanted to share an anecdote with you first. Much like Ariel did, I made my significant other watch this movie with me. This was a selfish move on my part, not just because I needed emotional support (the hell I was sitting through this train wreck by myself), but because I quickly realized she was single-handedly expressing a greater range of emotion than the characters in the movie.

This is the story of how the Fifty Shades of Grey movie broke my girlfriend, emotionally, mentally, and – at least at time of this writing, having watched it about half an hour ago – in terms of her faith in humanity.

As a film adaptation of an infamous guilty pleasure read, watching the Fifty Shades movie with company really emphasizes the movie’s somewhat paradoxical purpose. How could this exist if not to watch it with others, mercilessly mocking it? That was how my girlfriend and I started out, much as we planned. We laughed at the terrible acting, played armchair critic with the film’s unintentional slasher movie atmosphere, and struggled to come up with adequate jokes we could tell each other during the very-much-not-subtle imagery.

I mean, I’m not expecting Wes Anderson here, but seriously.

And yet, during that first half-hour, life was good. Fifty Shades struggled to be a rom com, but my girlfriend did not struggle to find suitable quips:

• “She bit her lip! Drink!”
• “Ugh, all this breathy shit. They’re trying so hard to make you like her, which is different, because in the book it’s very easy to hate her.”
• “Matt! He sexily ate her toast! Why don’t you sexily eat toast? You have to sexily eat my toast!”

Even as the movie advanced to the notoriously Fifty Shades part of Fifty Shades, we were enjoying ourselves. Granted, not in the way the movie intended, but at least we could laugh at how awful it was. Good times!

• (We see the red room of pain for the first time) “I feel like we’re in a Vincent Price set.”
• (Christian sits motionlessly, nakedly at his piano in the moonlight) “Look at him. All alone in his man pain.”
• (Christian sits motionlessly, nakedly at his piano in the moonlight, AGAIN) “Look at him. Still alone in his man pain.”

But eventually, I took notice of something. Less of my girlfriend’s commentary was quips, and more became frustrated half-sentences trying to simply describe the movie, to which I never had anything to say aside from a joking, “If you’re trying to make sense of the plot…”

But no. She was past joking.

As we began to get into the less notoriously, but still very, very essentially Fifty Shades part of Fifty Shades (So. Much. Fluff.), I turned to look at her, and noticed she was making the exact same expression as, say, Adventure Time‘s Lumpy Space Princess.

I’m not exaggerating. I took a picture later, for comparison’s sake.

I very conveniently HAVE a Lumpy Space Princess pillow, which she actually made for me! Although I made her watch this movie, so now she probably regrets it.

Yes, later, because she never stopped making this face. Once Fifty Shades triggers that existential emptiness, it never leaves.

An hour into the movie was when I first began to suspect this, because she had curled up next to me. Not in a cuddly romantic way. In a “no, I can’t see the screen, and I don’t remember how to care about anything” way.

This was confirmed fifteen minutes later, when she asked how much longer the movie was.

It was about 45 minutes.

Ten minutes later, the hatred had begun to set in. “You’re such a jerk,” she told me. “You made me watch this shit.” When a Frank Sinatra song came on, she made actual whimpering noises. “My Italian blood is furious. My ancestors are rolling in their graves. Goddammit.”

What didn’t occur to me at the time was that – save for reading our SparkNotes-esque coverage on this blog – this was my girlfriend’s first actual experience with Fifty Shades of Grey. This was the first time she was faced with the full, unfiltered force of just how bad it is. I shudder to think of how many couples must have unwittingly shared this experience on its release day, on Valentine’s Day, no less. I would love to see statistics for how many couples went to see Fifty Shades on Valentine’s Day, how many had never seen it before, and how many are now single. I don’t think my girlfriend would care to see those statistics, though. Based on how she’s still reeling from her first encounter with the unrelenting awfulness of Fifty Shades of Grey, I don’t think she can care about anything right now.

The single, lonely surge of energy came during the glider date towards the end.

You know, one of those big, hokey romantic spectacles with big scenery, big music, big romance.

My girlfriend was having none of it. She rose from her Fifty Shades of Comatose-state to launch into a whirlwind rant about the awful and gender-performative symbolism through the beautiful scenery and all the other shit that he HAD to show her, as she stared on, passively and glassy-eyed. When I asked her if she could repeat any of that so I could try to write it down, she mustered merely, “Obnoxious. Fuck.” and gave up again.

All the humor and life we had at the beginning of the movie was gone. She sat through the last scene, not even pretending to watch the movie anymore, in relative silence. When it finally ended, I had to ask her for any thoughts or any kind of reaction.

“I want to take a shower… hug a puppy… (long silence) maybe go… I don’t know… (more silence)”

So overall, we got about half an hour of snarky laughter, and maybe an hour and a half of emotionally draining fatigue. I would presume she would not recommend it, as she has said about three sentences since the credits rolled about an hour ago.

I’ve been fairly familiar with just how almost revolutionarily bad Fifty Shades is for quite some time now, and I’m a little numb to it by this point. I forgot how depressed, how angry, how awful this story has made me feel over time. Maybe if there’s anything good about there now being a film adaptation, it’s that more people will also feel depressed, angry, and awful. Not that that’s a good thing in and of itself. Like, at all. But maybe our collective cultural consciousness really needs to hate this thing.

I asked her about this.

It’s so easy to make fun of the bad writing that it’s easy to lose track of how harmful it is. The way it portrays gender roles, relationships… It’s not funny at all, actually.

In a weird way, by nature of being more competently made, the Fifty Shades of Grey movie might be worse than the books. At least the books were such an improbably fucked up attempt at communication by one of modern civilization’s authors most undeserving of their success that they were laughable. When you remove the amateurism, you lose that levity, and you get this almost mechanical distillation of everything that’s most wrong with it. Not wrong in terms of the absurd, like the double craps and Ana’s subconscious dancing with a hula hoop. But it’s just the problematic parts, worryingly and competently showcased by a corporate mass media filter. The Fifty Shades of Grey book was just this toxic, but at least it was candy-coated.

The movie is just toxicity.