Today we’re halfway through the book! Remember that group of characters who called themselves Allegiants and served as this book’s namesake? I don’t.

Chapter 24: Tris

In the series’ spirit of uncovering THE TRUTH, today’s first chapter kicks off with finally tackling a question no one cares about:

I turn to Christina. […] “What’s going on with you and Uriah?”

To be fair, I don’t care about any of the questions currently unresolved in this book, so, sure. I’ll bite. What’s up with Christina and Uriah? I mean, they’re totally together, like, all the time now. Just ignore how that’s mostly because this series has killed off all their other friends by this point.

Christina doesn’t clearly answer whether they’re hooking up or nothing’s going on or what, but she does make it clear that she’s not interested in a relationship with Uriah because “he can’t have a serious conversation to save his life”. This is apparently a character trait of Uriah’s. Now I know.

Christina then asks the much more important question of whether Tris and Four have banged each other yet. And if you thought the sentence I just wrote to describe this was cringe-worthy, wait until you see what’s actually written in the book:

“Where have you been lately? […] With Four? Doing a little . . . addition? Multiplication?”

These are less “euphemisms for sex” and more “things children learn to do with numbers”.

Their conversation shifts over to that whole “genetic damage” business, as everything always does in this book. Christina says that it makes her angry, because there’s nothing she can do about it. Tris makes a surprisingly good point about how this book doesn’t make a lick of sense.

“I’m just saying that doesn’t mean one set is damaged and one set isn’t. The genes for blue eyes and brown eyes are different too, but are blue eyes ‘damaged’? It’s like they just arbitrarily decided that one kind of DNA was bad and the other was good.”

Why, yes, it is like Veronica Roth the Bureau arbitrarily made this decision and now we all have to live with it.

“I guess I don’t see a reason to believe in genetic damage.”

You and me both, Tris. You and me both.

“Isn’t looking at the result of a belief a good way of evaluating if it’s true?”
“Sounds like a Stiff way of thinking.” She pauses. “I guess my way is very Candor, though. God, we really can’t escape factions no matter where we go, can we?”

Trust me, if this book ever once stopped trying to explain absolutely everything in terms of factions, I would have noticed.

Fourbias shows up and Christina leaves so they can have sexy sexy makeout times, but, lo, they do not have sexy sexy makeout times. Fourbias instead tells Tris about his late night adventure with Nita to the fringe, but Tris is much more concerned about a very different late night adventure with Nita to the fringe.

If you follow my drift.

“She promised to show me evidence. Tonight.” He takes my hand. “I’d like you to come.”
“And Nita will be okay with that?”
“I don’t really care.” His fingers slide between mine. “If she really needs my help, she’ll have to figure out how to be okay with it.”

This is a surprisingly sweet moment from Fourbias! So according to Newton’s third law of young adult fiction, Tris must have an equal and opposite reaction:

“I’ll go. But don’t for a second think that I actually believe she’s not interested in you for more than your genetic code.”

When did this book get so sexy?

Chapter 25: Tobias

That night, Tobias brings Tris to meet Nita. Nita is initially annoyed, but – much like the discerning reader – almost immediately becomes completely indifferent to Tris and Tobias and their petty squabbles. Go Nita.

Tris laughs, harshly. “That’s what you told him, that he would be protecting me? That’s a pretty skillful manipulation. Well done.” […]
Nita doesn’t look angry anymore, just tired […] “You could be arrested just for knowing what you know and not reporting it. I thought it would be better to avoid that. […] I would rather have both of you than neither of you, and I’m sure that’s the implied ultimatum,” Nita says, rolling her eyes.

Nita takes them to meet new character Reggie, who is also “genetically damaged”, to show them what they’re there to see. Naturally, he pulls it up on a tablet, because all centuries-old documents that the government is hiding from public access are available electronically.

It takes me only a few seconds to realize that they are photographs of suffering: narrow, pinched children with huge eyes, ditches full of bodies, huge mounds of burning papers. The photographs move so fast, like book pages fluttering in the breeze, that I get only impressions of horrors.

Why are the photographs moving too fast to see? Isn’t it assumed that Reggie put them on the tablet himself?

Reggie brings up a photograph with a man in uniform holding a gun and points. “That kind of gun is incredibly old. The guns used in the Purity War were much more advanced. Even the Bureau would agree with that. It’s gotta be from a really old conflict. Which must have been waged by genetically pure people.”

Holy shit, you guys. You know what this means? There’s another conspiracy at the heart of Divergent!

BWAAAAAAA

Despite everything since the climax of the first book being 100% about Tris’s struggles with governments trying to kill her and other people, Tris suddenly doesn’t get that the government is trying to kill people.

“Okay.” Tris’s head bobs, and she’s talking too fast, nervous. “So they’re lying about your— our history. That doesn’t mean they’re the enemy, it just means they’re a group of grossly misinformed people trying to… better the world. In an ill-advised way.”
Nita and Reggie glance at each other.
“That’s the thing,” Nita says. “They’re hurting people.”

Yeah, come on, Tris. You should know this. There’s all the social conditioning making people discriminate and kill each other both in and out of the experiments, which were allowed to go on even when the test subjects starting mass murdering other test subjects…

“Jeanine wanted to stifle [Abnegation] . . . the Bureau was all too happy to provide her with an incredibly advanced simulation serum”

…or there’s another goddamn conspiracy.

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Nita explains that the Bureau supplied Jeanine with the serum the Erudite used to make their brainwashed armies. For… some reason. And now it’s time for a couple pages of what is both my favorite and least favorite part of Divergent: seeing what mental gymnastics the book goes through to try to make this sound like it makes sense.

That’s the attack simulation serum.
“Now why would the Bureau have this unless they had developed it?”

…I suppose “because you just told me so” is the actual explanation, then, since the book has specifically said that the Chicago experiment further developed this very serum. Except when it didn’t, when it’s relevant for the plot.

“Why?” […]
“You’ve seen what’s happened now that the city knows the truth: […] Many people will die. Telling the truth risks the safety of the experiment, no question.”

Yet somehow supplying the experiment with guns and mind-control drugs doesn’t.

WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING IN THIS BOOK ANYMORE

“the Bureau probably thought, better that the Abnegation should suffer a great loss— even at the expense of several Divergent— than the whole city suffer a great loss.”

This is the most short-sighted solution I’ve heard to a problem since I went to a bottomless brunch to deal with a hangover.

I’m not a doctor.

Four provides a handy summary of what Divergent‘s conspiracy within a conspiracy about a conspiracy is now:

Most of [the Abnegation] are dead. Murdered, at the hands of the Dauntless, at the urging of Jeanine, with the power of the Bureau to back her.

The most predictable line that could possibly follow this follows this:

“And now, things could get even worse.”

What? Oh no! Even worse?

How can the civilization that intentionally divided itself into jingoistic factions against itself before one conspired to massacre the others before another faction that’s not a faction but all those factions are jingoistic against conspired to massacre the other others before we learned it was all a conspiracy by an outside government that was actually part of a bigger conspiracy against the other other others outside the experiment but also conspired a conspiracy for the conspiracy within the conspiracy to keep up the other conspiracy get worse?

“The government has been threatening to shut down the experiments for almost a year now,” Nita says.

Wait, this sounds like the only thing that could possibly improve the current situation. What am I missing?

MAYBE A CONSPIRACY?

“The experiments keep falling apart because the communities can’t live in peace, and David keeps finding ways to restore peace just in the nick of time. And if anything else goes wrong in Chicago, he can do it again. He can reset all the experiments at any time.”

Hey, this just reminded me that we’re on page 269, exactly halfway through the book, and we still don’t have a primary antagonist yet.

Nita says tersely, “Their entire lives erased, against their will, for the sake of solving a genetic damage ‘problem’ that doesn’t actually exist.”

I get that this would be a bad thing to have happen, but they’re already living a lie for the sake of this very same problem. This is like watching The Matrix and siding against Trinity and Morpheus because sometimes they have to let people die during their fight to save all of humanity from enslavement.

I mean, ugh, cut it out.

Suddenly I don’t care what Nita’s plan is, as long as it means striking the Bureau as hard as we can.

Just like this book is desperately hoping its readers don’t and do care about, respectively.

Nita describes her plan to break into the Weapons Lab and steal the memory serum from the Bureau. I guess it’s presumed that they only have whatever serum is there, it is located nowhere else, and no one knows how to make it.

Tris also thinks this is a dumb plan, and furthermore tells Nita that she doesn’t believe her.

“Whatever you intend to do, I think it’s far worse than stealing some serum.”

For some reason, literally no one reacts to this seemingly severe accusation.

“I never said this was all I was ever going to do. It’s not always wise to strike as hard as you can at the first opportunity.”

Four agrees to help them out, unsure why Tris doesn’t “feel the same desperation inside her”. When they leave, Tris continues to insist that Nita has some nefarious purpose.

“She’s lying. Why can’t you see that?”
“Because it’s not there […] I think your judgment might be clouded by something else. Something like jealousy.”

“Remember what happened last time you didn’t trust my ‘snap judgments’?” Tris says coldly. “You found out that I was right.”

BREAKING: Tris now just knows shit. We are in fucking House of Night territory here.

“now you’re going along with this because you’re desperate not to be damaged—”
The word shivers through me.
“I am not damaged,” I say quietly.

Oh shiiiii-

I start toward the door, and as my hand closes around the handle, she says, “Just leaving so that you can have the last word, that’s really mature!”
“So is being suspicious of someone’s motives just because she’s pretty,” I say. “I guess we’re even.”

Am I an awful person if this was hands-down my favorite two paragraphs of the entire Divergent trilogy so far?

Question of the Day: Who do you think the primary antagonist in this book is, whenever they eventually show up? David? Nita? Evelyn again? The concept of conspiracies themselves?

Hi all! Matthew and I are taking the week off as tomorrow is my wedding and I have family visiting for the whole week. Thanks for being the best readers ever, and we’ll see you guys again next Monday for more gross moments with Gideon!

Captivated by You Chapter 13

The chapter opens with Gideon discussing what I’m sure is very serious business with his project engineer, but of course this somehow becomes an opportune time to think about Eva’s amazing blow jobs.

“By the way, congratulations on your engagement.”

My gaze shifted from the project engineer’s face on my monitor to the photo of Eva blowing kisses. “Thank you.”
I would much rather look at my wife. For an instant, I pictured Eva as she’d been the night before, those plush lips wrapped around my cock.

Word to the wise, just avoid even the simplest allusion to Eva at all cost.

After Gideon ends the call, he gets another from his step-father. Luckily, Christopher Sr doesn’t mention anything that will induce more blow job fantasies. He wants to meet with Gideon later that night, and he says enough to alert us to the fact that Gideon has one person in his family besides Ireland that we’re supposed to like.

“Is everyone all right?”

“Yes, everyone’s fine. Don’t worry about that.”

“It’s Vidal, then. We’ll take care of it.”

“God.” He laughed harshly. “You’re a good man, Gideon. One of the best I know. I should’ve told you that more often.”

I’m not sure how Gideon’s blandly polite comments warranted a passionate declaration like that. I imagine Gideon could have said, “Are you hungry? Do you want lunch?” And he would have been met with the same response.

After this phone call, Gideon seems convinced that Christopher Sr wants to convince him to let Christopher Jr use the leaked footage from Eva and Brett’s sex tape in order to make Vidal Records more successful. We have met some really dumb, selfish, and characters with confusing motives in this book, but even I know better than to think for a second that this is what the conversation is going to be about.

Raul shows up later that day and reveals that the woman who Eva met at the gala at the end of Entwined in You, who he thought wasn’t Anne Lucas is actually Anne Lucas! Who is the wife of the psychiatrist who lied about Gideon being raped who Gideon then had sex with for revenge! You are very welcome for that convoluted reminder.

Restless, I stood, shoving my chair back. “She went after Eva. You need to keep her away from my wife.”

“Angus and I are developing new protocols for event security.”

Turning, I retrieved my jacket from its hook. “You’ll tell me if you need more men.”

Damn it, we need to hire 1000 more men to try to recognize the faces of all these terrible minor characters! It’s an impossible job for Angus and Raul! We also need the latest voice and facial recognition software available, I don’t care how much it costs! We need to prevent more undesirable minor characters from getting into this already very confusing plot.

Gideon apparently has nothing better do to with his day than to go confront Anne at her office.

I know we’re always confused about timelines, but I feel like given she wanted Gideon to confront her, she must have been like, “Why the fuck hasn’t he realized it was me there yet?” To me it feels like this gala happened like a year ago, but I guess in book time it was a couple weeks. Or maybe a few hours. Who can never be sure!

Anne proves to be super gross. She’s basically Corinne again but yucky in a more sexual way.

Her smile tightened. “Break your toys, then throw them away. Does Eva know her days are numbered?”

“Do you?”

Unease dimmed her bright eyes and shook her smile. “Is that a threat, Gideon?”

“You’d like for it to be.” I stepped closer, watched her pupils dilate. She was becoming aroused and that revolted me as much as the smell of her perfume. “Might make your game more interesting.”

She straightened and came toward me, her hips swaying, her red-soled black stilettos sinking into the plush carpet.

“You like to play, too, lover,” she purred. “Tell me, have you tied up your pretty fiancée? Flogged her into a frenzy? Shoved one of your extensive array of dildos into her ass, so that it fucked her while you pounded her pussy for hours? Does she know you, Gideon, the way I do?”

I’m almost positive that none of that necessarily means she knows Gideon better than anybody else. “If you didn’t put a dildo in Eva’s ass when you fucked her, well, she just doesn’t know you at all,” doesn’t seem particularly convincing to me. Gideon agrees with me and says as much:

“Hundreds of women know me the way you do, Anne. Do you think you were special? The only thing memorable about you is your husband and how it eats at him that I’ve had you.”

I don’t think Gideon has ever said he’s slept with hundreds of women. I know I shouldn’t be surprised but I kind of am, WHERE DID HE EVEN FIND THE TIME WHILE ALSO RUNNING AN EMPIRE?

Anne slaps him and then Gideon admits to us that actually he had been a little different with her:

“I wish what I’d said were true, but I had been particularly depraved with her, seeing ghosts of her brother in the curve of her smile, her mannerisms—”

In case you’re confused, don’t worry, I’d forgotten too that Gideon’s rapist had also been Anne’s brother…@_@ I’m no psychologist, but what the fuck?

Anne and Gideon threaten each other, but it’s completely unclear to me what kind of revenge Anne wants (to break up Gideon and Eva…? But then why not Corinne before?) or why she’s even bothering with this except to further the “plot”.

There’s a scene where Gideon’s on therapy and they try going for a walk to talk instead. It’s really boring and we learn nothing new. I know that could summarise a lot of scenes in this book, but seriously, nothing funny or vaguely important even happens!

Later, Christopher Sr comes over and reveals 1) that Brett Kline argued for the “Golden” video to reshot (NOOOO IT WAS SUCH A MASTERPIECE)!!! Which means Brett really does wuv Eva, which Gideon’s “isn’t okay with. Not by a long shot.” 2) That he’s left Gideon’s mother.

Apparently, Christopher didn’t know what had happened and is furious with Gideon’s mom. He also went and punched Terrance Lucas. Christopher continued to fully support Gideon by saying if he’d known at the time he would have protected him and it was his job and he failed.

I rounded on him, feeling the sickness clawing up from my gut and burning my throat. “What the fuck do you want?”

Chris pulled his shoulders back. He faced me with reddened eyes and wet cheeks, shaking but too stupid to run. “I want you to know that you’re not alone.”

Well, I guess this can be one minor character that I actually like. Gideon can’t handle having a good minor character, though, and tells Chris to leave.

Last week one of my friends from high school (who’s written cool stuff for Vice and Daily Beast) won a contest to go to a podcast upfront called #hearitupfront sponsored by NPR, WNYC, and WBEZ. Longtime BBGT readers may remember I used to intern at NPR, so this was already pretty cool, but it got cooler when she got me invited to one of the afterparties after getting into a conversation with Linda Holmes (of Pop Culture Happy Hour and NPR’s Monkey See blog, where I have freelanced) and mentioning that she was crashing on my couch. I know Ariel has a way cooler “here’s what I did during BBGT’s week off” story, what with getting married and all, but please accept my offering of a surreal small world story for what I did last week so I, too, seem like an exciting person. Also I super, super briefly met Lulu Miller of Invisibilia.

PLEASE LIKE MY STORY THAT’S BASICALLY JUST ABOUT PEOPLE SAYING HI TO EACH OTHER

Chapter 14

I don’t know if it’s because I got a break from reading this book for a week or because this is actually the most horrifying and disturbing sex scene that has yet to appear in Crossfire, but I think this is the most horrifying and disturbing sex scene that has yet to appear in Crossfire.

So, you know, “yay”

The first sentence is Eva thinking about how hot her husband is (“I was dreaming of a private beach and naked Gideon”), exactly like the last Eva chapter did (“I dared anyone to come up with a more awe-inspiring sight than Gideon Cross taking a shower”), just in case this is a point you have somehow missed up until this point. Suddenly, Eva gets a call from Gideon’s stepfather, Chris:

“I’m sorry to call so late, but I’m worried about Gideon. Is he all right? […] I met with him earlier about… the things you told me. He didn’t take it well.”

Eva uses a smartphone app that lets her track Gideon to figure out he’s in their penthouse. The “where is this person” app doesn’t really bother me anywhere near as much as how I can’t remember if this has ever been mentioned before, and the next couple years of literature are gonna be super boring if the deus ex machinas we have to look forward to are smartphone apps.

Eva leaves in a hurry, just throwing a coat on over her underwear, and gets to the penthouse, where Gideon is in a drunken fury. The kind that can only be conveyed with heavy metal music. Obviously.

The elevator doors slid open and pounding, screaming heavy metal music poured in.

Just in case the symbolism escapes you, it is helpfully explained:

The song was an audible manifestation of what Gideon felt inside himself and couldn’t let out.

I love everything about this. First Sylvia Day wrote Gideon Cross blasting heavy metal music, and then must have actually stopped to think, “But I need to explicitly clarify what the heavy metal music means.” I mean… well…

I’m so glad I took the time to make this gif last fall.

• As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect. The transformation into a gigantic insect was a physical manifestation of what Gregor felt inside himself, but did not show on the outside.
• It was a queer, sultry summer, the summer they electrocuted the Rosenbergs, and I didn’t know what I was doing in New York. My uncertainty was not just about why I was literally in New York, but also represented what I felt inside myself.
• And in that moment, I swear we were infinite. The feeling was not a physical feeling of infiniteness, given our three corporeal bodies, but an emotional one.

“While the photograph is a physical object I want you to look at, it also represents my feelings I want you to look at, but cannot show you, as my feelings are what I feel inside of me, in comparison.”

Anyway, since I’ve already written about 700 words and we haven’t even gotten to the scary shit, here’s a huge goddamn red flag from heavy metal inside feelings man:

“What are you doing here?” he asked, his voice dangerously even.
“Finding you.” Because he was lost.
“I’m not fit company now.”
“I can deal with it.”
He was too still, as if he were afraid to move. “You should go. It’s not safe for you here.”

Let’s bear in mind that what Gideon is going through right now is definitely super traumatic. His stepfather has just come to him about the abuse he faced at the hands of a therapist as a child, which Gideon had always assumed he knew about and did nothing, and now is faced with the possibility that maybe he really didn’t know. This is pretty awful! And it makes sense that he might feel so awful he might not even want the people who love him right now. But at the same time, that might not really be the best thing for him, so it’s a tricky situation for Eva to navigate.

I’m taking the time to go through all of this, of course, because this is Crossfire. Eva and Gideon are the worst. Fucking. Communicators.

“It almost hurts worse, doesn’t it, when they believe you? You wonder why you waited to tell them. Maybe you could’ve stopped it sooner, if you’d just told the right person?”
“Shut up.”
“There’s always that little voice inside us that thinks we’re to blame for what happened.”
His eyes squeezed as tightly closed as his fists. “Don’t.”

If you’re wondering how their dialogue could possibly get worse, the answer is yes, because they start speaking entirely in cliches.

“I’m hanging on by a thread, Eva.” […]
“Let go. I’ll catch you.”

If you’re wondering how this could get worse, the answer is yes, because this is post-Fifty Shades erotica. Which means everything is always about fucking.

“I want to fuck you. Hard.”

Seriously, how has E L James not sued Sylvia Day yet?

The book continues to be primarily about fucking.

“I can’t promise to stop. If I take you too far and you safe word, I might not stop and this— us— will all go to hell!”

Detective Eva suddenly spots her first clue that maybe something isn’t right here.

“I want to punish you,” he snarled, gripping my face in both hands. “You did this! You brought this on.” […]
The first hint of wariness rippled through me.

And promptly ignores it by comically stripping down to her underwear.

Desperate, I yanked at the belt of my coat, my urgency giving me strength. I tore at the buttons, sending them rolling in every direction.

I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I have no clue what the actual fuck is going on in this scene, because it is full of Eva and Gideon swearing at each other but also grabbing at each other, yet it is not supposed to be hate sex, which I’ve never seen one of these books fail to do quite so badly before.

“Bitch,” he hissed […]
“I’m your bitch,” I shot back, feeling the tears well and fall.

At one point Gideon ties Eva by the wrist to the inside of the elevator and closes the doors. Eva manages to get the door open, and then suddenly Gideon is running around naked.

Gideon strode through the living room toward the foyer . . . completely naked.

No, seriously, this reads like a goddamn fever dream.

Gideon also forces Eva to drink alcohol while she’s tied up in the elevator, even after she protests, until the liquor starts to hit her and she drunkenly stops fighting. This is actually what happens, in this actual book about how these two people are victims of abuse, but found love with each other. Yay.

“I’m going to bruise this sweet cunt, Eva.”

To reiterate: yay.

Just in case this chapter wasn’t enough of a batshit insane nightmare between the emotional and physical abuse and the terrifying lack of self-awareness, it then ends with cartoon penis physics.

Gideon held me up with his hands, with his erection. […] Gripping my hips, he pumped me onto his ejaculating cock, coming hard and forever, filling me until semen slicked my sex and inner thighs.

And since it wasn’t ridiculous enough that Gideon’s penis turned into, like, a semen firehose (don’t Google that), when they wake up the next morning, it also just ignores how male anatomy works.

He kissed me until he came in a hot rush against my skin. Not once but twice.

What’s your favorite part? Where Gideon somehow experiences multiple orgasms without a refractory period, or how both are the result of premature ejaculation? Eva tells us her favorite is the latter, for some goddamn reason.

knowing I could bring him to orgasm with just my kiss . . .

Said no woman ever.

How perfect is Gideon Cross? Even his premature ejaculations make him a sex god.

As Gideon sleeps off his hangover (slash whatever terrifying medical condition has done all these things to his penis), Eva decides neither of them are going to make it into work that day. She gets in touch with Arash, who says he’ll send over some mysterious legal documents later, and Angus, who goes to pick up “hangover cure”. I don’t even care how the book wants me to believe this exists; it already a firehose penis at us.

Angus expresses sympathy, and Scottishness.

“If you don’t mind me asking,” he asked, his Scottish burr more pronounced, “does this have something to do with Mr. Vidal’s visit last night? […] Ach, that’s why, then. The lad wouldna been prepared for that.”

Eva continues to try to clean up the apartment and rethink her life.

We were going to have a conversation about him trying to kick me out.

Obviously, this doesn’t happen.

Gideon’s stepfather calls again to see how things turned out. Eva gives him an incredibly tame version of the story, and he gushes over Eva.

“We all have to live with it. It’s not your fault, Chris. Doesn’t make it easier, I know, but you need to keep it in mind or you’ll beat yourself up. That won’t help Gideon.”
“You’re wise beyond your years, Eva.”

Which raises an important question, actually. If our main character is already so perfect and has so little apparent character growth left to accomplish, why exactly is this story still going? So she can… keep being good at stuff?

Eva also calls her mom and agrees to meet up that weekend to make wedding plans. And thus Eva’s mom’s entire subplot comes to a close.

Gideon wakes up, and the book proves that, once again, no one in this story is paying any attention to the events of the story.

“You’re not mad.”
“Why would I be?”

Because of the last 19 pages of this chapter, maybe?

Arash has the legal documents delivered, and it turns out that Gideon is surprising Eva by buying their honeymoon house! Even though it’s nowhere near New York.

“It’s a quick hop down by jet.” He tipped my chin up with his finger and pressed his lips to mine. “Don’t worry about the logistics,”

And this is why nobody is ever going to do jack shit about the environment.

Gideon makes a big deal about signing the papers with “his pen”, which we learn was his father’s pen.

“He signed everything with it. He never went anywhere without it tucked in his pocket.” He raked his hair back from his face. “He destroyed our name with that pen.”

Once again, Eva sheds light on this cryptic mystery.

I set my hand on his thigh. “And you’re building it back up with the same pen. I get it.”

The elevator doors slid open and pounding, screaming heavy metal music poured in. […] The song was an audible manifestation of what Gideon felt inside himself and couldn’t let out.

Oh. Wait.

We open with Tris looking at “the serum” through a microscope. At this point, just having a week away from Allegiant renders me completely unable to remember which serum we’re eve talking about anymore. I’m just going to assume it’s another wacky serum that somehow allows other people to actually be able to see everything in your head. [Matthew says: Or the same wacky serum, because this book has long since run out of wacky serums, and also ideas.]

I was so busy looking for Nita’s lies that I barely registered the truth: In order to get their hands on this serum, the Bureau must have developed it, and somehow delivered it to Jeanine to use. I pull away. Why would Jeanine work with the Bureau when she so badly wanted to stay in the city, away from them?

For someone who always seems to miraculously suss out people’s motivations, it’s pretty surprising Tris doesn’t think, “Hey…hm, maybe the Bureau told Jeanine not to let anyone find out about them and the fact they were in an experiment. There are a lot of other questions I could be asking. Like why is Peter still in this book? Is he ever going to do anything ever again?”

But I guess the Bureau and Jeanine shared a common goal. Both wanted the experiment to continue. Both were terrified of what would happen if it didn’t. Both were willing to sacrifice innocent lives to do it.

Okay. But better questions are why did Jeanine want it to continue/why kill Divergent people if the point was to have loads of Divergent people?

Tris, sad that the Bureau sucks and isn’t the start of a great new life for her, goes for an angsty wander. As we all know, angsty wanders are prime times to run into either someone you love or someone you hate! So of course Tris bumps into Caleb. He gives some really terrible excuses for why he helped try to execute Tris and why she should forgive him.

“You know what Mom told me once?” he says, and the way he says Mom, like he didn’t betray her, sets my teeth on edge. “She said that everyone has some evil inside them, and the first step to loving anyone is to recognize the same evil in ourselves, so we’re able to forgive them.”

Caleb then goes on to say that Jeanine was super persuasive and Tris might have tried to kill him too. Tris starts beating him up because he deserves it.

After some guards break it up, Tris goes to chat to her buddy Matthew in his lab. He explains how they want to upgrade the serums so they’re airborne! Lame serums: Now in sprayable form! Oooooh. [Matthew says: It’s also worth pointing out that “Good news! You know that super dangerous drug we have? Now you can inhale it if it gets in the air!” is the most obvious foreshadowing that some people are gonna fucking inhale it when it gets in the air.]

Then Tris stumbles upon what is the easiest fucking reveal in the history of the world. Behold:

“I heard something yesterday,” I say, testing the waters. “About the Bureau. About my city, and the simulations.”

He straightens up and gives me a strange look.

“What?” I say.

“Did you hear that something from Nita?” he says.

“Yes. How did you know that?”

“I’ve helped her a couple times,” he says. “I let her into that storage room. Did she tell you anything else?”

Matthew is Nita’s informant? I stare at him. I never thought that Matthew, who went out of his way to show me the difference between my “pure” genes and Tobias’s “damaged” genes, might be helping Nita.

“Something about a plan,” I say slowly.

He gets up and walks toward me, oddly tense. I lean away from him by instinct.

“Is it happening?” he says. “Do you know when?”

“What’s going on?” I say. “Why would you help Nita?”

“Because all this ‘genetic damage’ nonsense is ridiculous,” he says. “It’s very important that you answer my questions.”

“It is happening. And I don’t know when, but I think it will be soon.”

“Shit.” Matthew puts his hands on his ”face. “Nothing good can come of this.”

“If you don’t stop saying cryptic things, I’m going to slap you,” I say, getting to my feet.

“I was helping Nita until she told me what she and those fringe people wanted to do,” Matthew says. “They want to get to the Weapons Lab and—”

“—steal the memory serum, yeah, I heard.”

“No.” He shakes his head. “No, they don’t want the memory serum, they want the death serum. Similar to the one the Erudite have—the one you were supposed to be injected with when you were almost executed. They’re going to use it for assassinations, a lot of them. Set off an aerosol can and it’s easy, see? Give it to the right people and you have an explosion of anarchy and violence, which is exactly what those fringe people want.”

Boy, Tris sure is lucky that the guy she happened to befriend and decide to open up to right now knew the whole actual secret plan that not even Tris or Fourbias knew. [Matthew says: Good thing he’s literally the only other person we’ve met at the Bureau aside from the guy who runs the goddamn place.]

Of course, it’s already too late and like five seconds later they walk outside, see Uriah, and a wall next to Uriah explodes. So, uh, RIP Uriah. It was good barely knowing ya? [Matthew says: We’re actually not 100% sure that Uriah is dead yet, but remember this book kills off semi-important characters like Dauntless jump off trains, so everybody get ready to mourn like you mourned for Fernando, which we accidentally made matter in the BBGT collective head canon.]

Tris starts running for the weapons lab so Nita and friends can’t get their hands on the death serum. Of course, en route, Tris finds Nita and friends with a gun to David’s head. IF ONLY I CARED ABOUT ANY OF THIS!!! IF ONLY.

Ugh, you guys, I got into a conversation that started as a totally innocuous “my kids are really into Divergent and it’s so dumb” conversation, and then rapidly went downhill into a “in a world full of men, a girl saves the world?” conversation, which was totally not what I signed up for, and all I wanted in the first place was coffee.

Anyway, today we go into actual reasons why Divergent is terrible. You will recognize most of them are very familiar, because this story certainly could have ended a half thousand words ago.

Chapter 27: Tris

Currently, Nita and a bunch of nondescript minor characters have blown some shit up. Nita and nondescript minor character #7 has David (the leader of the Bureau of Genetic Welfare, in case you have no idea who just came in through the Divergent revolving door of important characters) at gunpoint, demanding that he open the door.

“I don’t believe you’ll shoot me,” he says. “Because I’m the only one in this building who knows this information, and you want that serum.” […]
The man and Nita exchange a look. Then the man shifts the gun down, to David’s feet, and fires.

The stakes certainly do feel real, at the exact middle of a book, where antagonists we met a few chapters ago are trying to take a thing we learned about roughly two chapters ago.

This is why we never find out what’s in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction. Because it doesn’t really matter.

Tris can tell some shit’s about to go down, and tells Matthew (still not me) to go get help. When he leaves, Nita moves on to phase 2 of her plan and prepares to inject David with a combination of truth serum and fear serum. Nondescript minor character #7 helpfully reminds us how many times this has been retconned.

“Thought you said that stuff doesn’t work on him,” the man with the gun says.
“I said he could resist it, not that it didn’t work at all,” she says.

Remember when these books were all about how the Divergent were immune to serums? Except when the plot got too complicated and now they’re not? But sort of? Maybe later we’ll find out it’s more potent if you take it in edible form.

David offers an argument that could be generously described as “not compelling”:

“I know this is just the fault of your genes, Nita,”

And Nita suddenly goes full-on evil:

Nita smiles a twisted smile. With relish, she sticks the needle in his neck and presses the plunger.

David starts flipping out and Nita promises to make whatever hallucination he’s experiencing stop if he opens the door for them. We also just sort of ignore how if he’s totally not lucid while he’s making such a promise, it might be hard to later reinforce. Rather than take the story into this obvious cycle of something pointless happening, then it not mattering, then something else pointless happening, and so on (aside from the story as a whole, mind you), Tris just starts shooting up the place.

“Her,” David says, pointing at the space in front of him.
Pointing at me. I stretch my arms around the corner of the wall and fire twice.
The first bullet hits the wall. The second hits the man in the arm, so the huge weapon topples to the floor.

So… who’s she shooting at, exactly? The government guy that she hates? The underclass anarchists that she hates? The group of people with guns and explosives who are sort of ok with her and are not currently shooting at her?

“Tris,” Nita says, “you don’t know what you’re doing—”
“You’re probably right,” I say, and I fire again.

Tris’s character motivation can be summed up with a single emoji. You know this to be true.

No, seriously, this doesn’t make any sense. Who the fuck is Tris shooting at? And why?

I hit Nita’s side, right above her hip.

Ok, she’s shooting at the anarchists!

David surges toward me with a grimace of pain […] Then I press one of my guns to the back of his head.

And at David! That… wait… ok, I’m going to humbly propose that if it isn’t readily apparent why your main character has a gun pointed at someone, maybe that character’s motivation could use a little work.

Use it at your next creative writing workshop!

To be fair, this does make a little more sense after Tris starts explaining things, but isn’t that sort of worse? Would a Clint Eastwood movies or Star Wars or something seem ok if after a firefight, everything stopped and someone went, “Here’s why I shot those people, by the way.”

“Fire, and I’ll shoot him in the head,” I say.
“You wouldn’t kill your own leader,” the red-haired woman says.
“He’s not my leader. I don’t care if he lives or dies,” I say. “But if you think I’m going to let you gain control of that death serum, you’re insane.”

Tris tries to back away and leave with David, but nondescript minor character #3 shoots at her and grazes her. Then Matthew comes back with more people, who shoot at Nita and company. Everyone’s just shooting people. You’re all caught up now.

I can’t believe I did it.

Not even Tris knows why she’s fucking shooting at people.

Chapter 28: Tris

Everyone goes to the hospital (on account of all the everyone shooting at everyone) and Tris gets medical attention on her bullet graze. We learn that David will live and that Nita will live. So in a way, the story is back where it was before a firefight, which is a really weird thing to have not really alter your status quo. (Sure, they’re probably not super happy with Nita right now, but do you really think that will change whether these characters eventually pull guns on each other again?)

I feel strangely separate from her pain.

How funny. That makes two of us.

Christina shows up because she hasn’t been doing anything in this book aside from communicating information to Tris, and we learn that we don’t know if Uriah is ok and that genetics-racism exists. I mean, yeah, we already knew that, probably, but we just can’t know for sure unless Tris spells it out for us!

“They won’t tell anyone anything. They won’t let us see him. It’s like they think they own him and everything that happens to him!”
“They work differently here. I’m sure they’ll tell you when they know something concrete.”
“Well, they would tell you,” she says, scowling. “But I’m not convinced they would give me a second look.”
A few days ago I might have disagreed with her, unsure how influential their belief in genetic damage was on their behavior. I’m not sure what to do— not sure how to talk to her now that I have these advantages and she does not

We also learn that Tobias was arrested for his involvement with the anarchists.

Captivated by You Chapter 15

Today we’re introduced to Gideon’s co-conspirator in the stalkerish crime of recreating his pent-house bedroom to be an exact replica of Eva’s bedroom. His name is appropriately ridiculous.

Blaire Ash smiled as his pen flew across the large notepad clipped to a board.

His gaze lifted to roam the entirety of Eva’s bedroom in the penthouse, the one I’d had him design specifically to look exactly like the room my wife had in her Upper West Side apartment.”

First, I thought, “Well, that’s not even how you spell that fucking name.” So I Googled the matter, and it very clearly lays out, in no uncertain terms, that this is the feminine spelling for Blair. Now, all the girls I’ve met named Blair are happy to spell their names the “masculine” way. If Day is going to add a fucking extra ‘e’ for no reason, then why is this a guy who spells his name “Blaire”? Is Day deliberately being difficult? BLAIRE ASH, FUCK YOU AND YOU’RE POINTLESSLY FANCY NAME.

Of course, Blaire’s Easy Bake character wouldn’t be complete without him being very handsome and flirting with Eva.

Ash smiled, revealing slightly crooked teeth. He was attractive—or so Ireland assured me—and sported his usual attire of ripped jeans and a T-shirt under a tailored blazer.

[…]

He winked at her. “Fast and thorough is my motto. And getting the job done so well that you think of me when you want to do it again.”

I lounged against the wall, my arms crossing as I watched them. Eva seemed oblivious to the designer’s double entendre. I was anything but.

Gideon is mainly feeling defensive because he’s embarrassed that he’s asking Blaire to design a room where he and Eva are clearly sleeping in different beds. When Eva leaves the room to go let Cary in, he confronts Blaire about what is quite possibly some of the least threatening flirtation I’ve ever seen in my life. No man who is actually flirting with a woman with any intention would be like, “I’m fast. Seriously, you’ll barely even notice me in there. I’ll be out of your hair in a few minutes tops.”

I didn’t doubt that he questioned the arrangement we’d consulted him to implement. Everyone who saw it would. What red-blooded man in his right mind would have a wife like Eva, yet sleep not just in a different bed but a different room altogether?”

Seriously, dude, you’re overthinking it. Blaire even is like, “I was just trying to be friendly, but okay.”

Later that night, Eva, Gideon and Cary continue to discuss the renovation plans (really, if you thought the series was reaching for meaningless filler before, you hadn’t read this chapter yet.) Of course this somehow leads to discussions of one day building a nursery for Gideon and Eva’s kids.

Eva calmly tells Cary they aren’t going to have kids now because they have other things to do first. Great answer, Eva! But Gideon, who was fretting two minutes ago over the idea of having children, isn’t so sure:

She was saying exactly what I wanted her to say, but …

Did Eva have the same fears I did? Maybe she’d taken me as a husband because she couldn’t help herself, but drew the line at taking me as a father to her children.

Maybe you should have discussed this BEFORE you got married?

Gideon goes to get some work done, but really this is just a way for him to overhear an argument between Eva and Cary two pages later. Eva is upset because Cary won’t tell her what’s going on and why he’s started cutting again. I didn’t even realize with all of his past issues that had been one of them.

Gideon walks in briefly to check on them, but leaves when it becomes clear that 1) Cary doesn’t want him there 2) It’s not going anywhere. But he does think that Eva would be better off without Cary in her life, and I’m inclined to agree. Actually, I don’t know if she’d be better off so much as exactly the same given his complete lack of contribution to anything in the story. No, Googling information for Eva doesn’t count.

The next morning, Eva and Gideon argue some more about how he won’t open up to her about his feelings.

My need for her was a constant thrumming in my blood, so easily provoked by her fiery Latin temper into a restlessly impatient craving.

Pro writing tip: When in doubt, stereotype it out. Also, make it even worse!

I’d heard some say my wife was as breathtaking as her mother, but I disagreed. Monica Stanton was a cool beauty, one who gave off the air of being slightly out of reach. Eva was all heat and sensuality—you could reach her, but her passion would scorch you.

Translation: This book has no new ground to cover at all on its characters. So let’s find new, more awkward ways to describe them.

They argue a bit more because what else are they going to do besides fuck. Gideon opens up a little about how he doesn’t want to feel weak, and Eva says that she can’t speak for Chris but she doesn’t pity him. She thinks he’s the strongest, most amazing guy alive!

Scene jump to Gideon at a restaurant with Clancy  – Gideon’s mother/step-father’s private security guy who is still keeping an eye on Eva and also helped cover up that time when Gideon murdered Nathan. Which I feel like no one fucking reacts to at all:

His gaze hardened. “Some men need to be put down like rabid dogs. Some men need to be the ones to do it. I didn’t peg you as one of those guys either way. That makes you rogue in my book.”

WHAT THE EVEN FUCK? I guess if there was going to be one person who was like “Murder is so chill” it would be Clancy, but even the fucking cops at this point have been like, “No bigs. We don’t really want to solve this case, so unless we’re forced to confront the evidence, we won’t.”

“I leaned forward. “Eva doesn’t like being spied on. If you become a problem for her, we’ll sit down like this again.”

“You planning on making it a problem?”

“No. If she catches you at it, it won’t be because I tipped her off. Just keep in mind that she’s spent her life looking over her shoulder and being suffocated by her mother. She’s breathing easy for the first time. I won’t let you take that away from her.”

Clancy narrowed his eyes. “I guess we understand each other.”

Two men making decisions for Eva behind her back? Again, I know this isn’t new ground to cover, but it doesn’t make me less angry. Gideon wouldn’t stand for the reverse being true, but if Eva confronts him about this you know he’ll just talk his way out of it and have sex with her and she’ll forget it.

No new ground to cover you say? Well, Evil Reporter Deanna Johnson shows up with a big, new snazzy reveal!

[Corrine’s] sold a tell-all book about your relationship,” she said redundantly. “The release officially hits the wire Monday morning at nine.”

Bored of all the talk about Eva’s sex tape? Now Gideon has something else he needs to shut down by throwing around his money and power! OH MAN. WILL THIS BE THE END OF GIDEON AND EVA? Unfortunately, probably not.

Chapter 16: Eva

This chapter opens up with Eva and Gideon in couple’s therapy, which is great because 1) at least this book is trying to show that these two have serious issues and that therapy is a useful thing that really helps people, and 2) it really puts all the ridiculous shit in this story in perspective.

“We, on the other hand, can’t seem to catch a break.”

Why, yes, it does seem that way, doesn’t it.

Immediately working against any positivity the book might garner by putting these two in therapy (which they sorely need), somehow during this entire scene no one brings up the terrifying event two chapters ago where Gideon drunkenly forced a protesting Eva to drink alcohol during a fight they also had sex during. Sure, maybe it’s uncomfortable for people to bring this up, even in therapy, but this is just another therapy scene where Eva and Gideon only talk vaguely about their problems. This is not only boring, but also a problem because it means the book is still not acknowledging actual problematic events as problems. Such as – and I really want to emphasize this point, because the book won’t for some goddamn reason – the time where Gideon drunkenly forced a protesting Eva to drink alcohol during a fight they also had sex during.

He turned his gaze to Gideon. “Do you feel the need to maintain a certain distance from Eva?”
My husband’s mouth curved wryly. “There is no distance between us, Doctor.”

I get that Gideon isn’t the most emotionally-tuned person in the world, but remember that time that Gideon hid literally murdering someone from Eva? Where the hell is his bar for “distance”?

Eva immediately calls bullshit on Gideon for thinking this way, but can we also call bullshit for having to sit through three and a half books of zero personal growth from Gideon?

“She wants me to dump everything on her that’s an irritant to me and I won’t do that. Ever. It’s bad enough if one of us has to bother with it.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “I think that’s crap. Part of a relationship is sharing the load with someone else.” […]
“How does he push you away?” Dr. Petersen asked.
I looked at him. “Gideon . . . separates himself. He goes somewhere else where he can be alone. He won’t let me help him.”
“‘Goes somewhere else’ how? Do you emotionally withdraw, Gideon? Or physically?”
“Both,” I said. “He shuts down emotionally and goes away physically.”

I’m not saying this isn’t all relevant and could be an interesting story, but if I put all four Crossfire books in front of you and asked you to make an educated guess which one this quote came from, you’d probably have absolutely no idea. Which is a problem, because…

Eva negates her points about how the two of them should stop making their own assumptions about their relationship and open up to each other by making an assumption about their relationship.

“He doesn’t need space,” I said to Dr. Petersen, “he needs me”

Dr. Petersen throws down some therapist knowledge.

“Gideon, you may be using sex to keep Eva at an emotional distance. When you’re making love, she’s not talking”

Why does he just assume that? I mean, it’s a pretty safe bet, since both Fifty Shades and Crossfire have sex scenes where the man won’t stop talking and the woman has zero voice whatsoever (which is pretty problematic but more on that, oh, literally any other chapter). But isn’t it still weird that he knows that Eva isn’t particularly vocal in bed?

“How do you push?” Dr. Petersen asked quietly.
“I have my ways.”
Dr. Petersen turned his attention to me. “Has Gideon ever gone too far?”
I shook my head.
“Do you ever worry that he might?”
“No.”
His gaze was soft and capped with a frown. “You should, Eva. You both should.”

“Thank you, doctor!”

At least someone in this damn book said it. But the scene abruptly ends there, because it’s much more important that this scene ends with a dramatic sting than the characters actually unpack things with the “wait, wtf” that would pretty obviously have followed a statement like that.

Anyway, Cary’s problems!

“I don’t know if it’s hormones or what, but Tat is a raging fucking bitch right now. Nothing is good enough. Nothing makes her happy, especially being pregnant. What shot has the poor kid got with me as a father and a self-centered diva who hates him as his mother?”

Oh, Cary, you charming rogue, you.

What’s frustrating is that Cary’s subplot is easily the most interesting thing that’s happening in this book, because it’s the only one with any semblance of unpredictability. Any Eva/Gideon storyline we know will just flit back and forth between them not getting along and getting along and they’ll ultimately be pretty happy with each other, any of the antagonists we know will eventually fail because Gideon is the GREATEST BUSINESSMAN EVAR (once their subplot manages to actually progress, since it has to be balanced with 8000 other antagonists), but Cary’s love polygon (can you keep track?) is actually a pretty big question mark, and there’s something satisfying about not knowing where the hell it’s going to go.

Unfortunately, the book pretty clearly has no idea where the hell it’s going to go either.

“It’ll all settle in, and then she’ll get that glow and be happy.” I took a sip, hoping like hell everything I was saying would come true.

We’ve yet to have a Cary’s baby subplot scene that doesn’t end with all the characters doing anything more than just hoping it’ll work out. Which is sort of a not-very-engaging way to progress a plot. It’d be like if the movie weren’t Finding Nemo but Hoping That Nemo Thing Works Out Somehow.

This would literally be the only scene in that version of the movie.

“Have you told Trey yet?” Cary shook his head.
“He’s the one sane thing I’ve got going on right now. I lose him, I’ll lose my mind.”
“He’s stayed with you so far.”

I’m really curious what kind of internal monologue we’re supposed to be believe could possibly lead these characters to think that, “Hey, during our months/year-long on-again/off-again relationship, I impregnated a woman who is having my child and I’ve kept this information from you for a few months” could go over well.

Like most of the book’s subplots, it really doesn’t matter what happens to the minor character because it’s really only there so that Eva can learn something about her own problems.

“Gideon doesn’t tell me what’s going on with him a lot of the time. He says he’s trying to protect me, but what he’s really doing is protecting himself.”
And it took saying the words aloud to really make them sink in for me.

And then this scene would instead end with Marlin realizing from this statement how to come to peace with his lost son, and then Dory would just keep having problems that may or may not be resolved independent of any intervention from the narrative itself. The Crossfire version of Finding Nemo sucks, you guys.

The chapter ends with a mostly dialogue-free, weirdly compelling sex scene that – for once – shows instead of tells.

the mattress shifted under the weight of the man sliding into my bed.
“Gideon.” […]
I came hard, crying out. He wiped his lips on my inner thigh and rose, a seductive looming shadow in the dark of night. He mounted me, thrust hard inside me. […]
When I woke again the sun was up, and the place beside me in the bed was cold and empty.

It’s pretty over-the-top, yeah, but it’s so rare to come across a scene that doesn’t include Eva going “and that’s what that sex scene means!” that I feel weirdly compelled to mention this book did not make a basic storytelling mistake. Aside from how we still have no compelling reason to spend more time with these people and their unwavering characters and cyclical narratives.

This book will never fucking end.

I’m going to level with you guys, I am seriously struggling week on week to remember anything that is going on in this story. The thing is, I know if I look back there is a 95% chance that the answer will be that absolutely nothing happened.

Allegiant Chapter 29: Tobias

Oh yeah, so Tobias was arrested for being involved with Nita and co (whoever co may be). [Matthew says: Given how many minor characters have flitted in and out of these books with the speed and significance of the blink of an eye, just make some names up! Curses, Jean Claude!] I don’t recall Tobias ever actually doing very much with them asides from his little out of town trip with Nita that wasted a chapter. I guess someone must have caught him having a tuna sandwich with Nita or something and made the connection. [Matthew says: DAMMIT, JEAN CLAUDE.]

Mary and Rafi sit a few feet away, Rafi clutching a handful of gauze to his bleeding arm. A guard stands between us and them, keeping us separate. As I look at them, Rafi meets my eyes and nods. As if to say, Well done.

If I did well, why do I feel sick to my stomach?

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? WHAT DID TOBIAS DO? Every post I write for this book makes me wonder if this is what life is like with dementia.

And now it’s time for the inevitable scene where Tobias, again, realizes that Tris was right.

“Nita told me they were going to steal memory serum,” I say to Reggie, and I’m afraid to look at him. “Was that true?”

Reggie eyes the guard who stands a few feet away. We have already been yelled at once for talking.

But I know the answer.

“It wasn’t, was it,” I say. Tris was right. Nita was lying.

Now that the completely unshocking twist has been revealed for the second time, a guard comes by and tells Tobias to shut up, which is the best thing to ever happen in this book.

[Matthew says: A quick side note, though – it is kind of fascinating how the first Divergent started out as your stereotypical “the male love interest is ALWAYS RIGHT hahaha he just is!” story, and it’s totally flipped around now. I don’t know what that could count for, though. Maybe it just shows how annoying it is when a character – whether through privilege or main-character-specialness – is when they are always right without the story worrying about developing why they’re right.]

Tris shows up to give the guards an update – David might never walk again and they’re working on treating other injured people. She asks to speak to Tobias. Damn it, Tris, we just got him to shut up!

Luckily, it’s mostly just a much-deserved smack-down from Tris:

“I was right. I was right, and you didn’t listen. Again,” she says, quiet. Her eyes lock on mine, and I find that I do not want the eye contact I craved, because it takes me apart, piece by piece. “Uriah was standing right in front of one of the explosives they set off as diversions. He’s unconscious and they’re not sure he’ll wake up.”

Later, Tobias is interrogated and he says that he disabled the security system for them (cannot fucking remember if we already knew this, and I have no interest in re-reading any previous chapters to double check. Berate me in the comments if you must) because he wasn’t aware of their real plans. The joy of continuously reading characters reiterate things to other characters is truly special.

“We’re friends,” I say. “She is—was—one of the only friends I had here. She asked me to trust her, told me it was for a good reason, so I did it.”

“And what do you think about the situation now?”

I finally look at her. “I’ve never regretted something so much in my life.”

Angela’s hard, bright eyes soften a little. She nods. “Well, your story fits with what the others told us. Given your newness to this community, your ignorance of the master plan, and your genetic deficiency, we are inclined to be lenient. Your sentence is parole—you must work for the good of this community, and stay on your best behavior, for one year. You will not be allowed to enter any private laboratories or rooms. You will not leave the confines of this compound without permission. You will check in every month with a parole officer who will be assigned to you at the conclusion of our proceedings. Do you understand these terms?”

Cool, seems fair. As usual, things have been quickly resolved and continue to advance nothing. Nita gets life in prison, so I guess that’s something. At least we hopefully won’t be seeing her again.

“She won’t be executed?”

“No, we don’t believe in capital punishment for the genetically damaged.” Angela moves toward the door. “We can’t have the same behavioral expectations for those with damaged genes as we do for those with pure genes, after all.”

I wonder if Angela really believes this or if it’s just what she has to say to keep this elaborate rouse about genetic purity going.

Tobias is so sad and wonders if his genes really are to blame. Tears of genetic impurity flow down his genetically impure cheeks.

Allegiant Chapter 30: Tris

This chapter is mostly Tris wondering if Uriah will wake up again and wondering if she should break up with Tobias like she intended to when she went to talk to him.

Then the rest is just Tris reiterating more information to Cara. Do you remember who Cara is? That’s okay, you could pretend she was a plastic bag and the effect would be the same. You could have skipped this entire 8 page chapter and still been completely in know of what is “going on” in this series. Actually, I wonder how much of this whole series you could feasibly skip and still feel like you missed nothing. I’d venture a solid 75%.

Tris is taking Cara to the storage room to fill her in on all the twists and turns we’ve already been filled in on. So get pumped for that tomorrow!

In today’s chapters, the old story back in the Chicago experiment very slightly progresses, and the new story in the Bureau also very slightly progresses. We also notice that something kinda interesting almost happens: since Tris and Tobias are spending more time apart, they’re on completely different sides of this divide.

Ok, hopefully I got you pumped up enough to read about another two chapters of Allegiant, because they’re still two chapters of Allegiant.

Chapter 31: Tobias

Tobias feels guilty about his role in the attempted coup against the Bureau, but wanders into the HQ to watch the monitors of the Chicago experiment. He does this right as Marcus and Johanna begin a secret meeting to progress the plot, which is remarkably fortunate timing.

“I knew you stayed in the city,” she says. “They’re looking all over for you.”

It’s like no matter where anyone goes in this story, nothing happens anyway.

Marcus explains his incredibly vague plan to reclaim the city from Evelyn and the factionless.

“Evelyn controls the city because she controls the weapons. If we take those weapons away, she won’t have nearly as much power”

Holy shit, Marcus, you just solved every problem in the world! How do we resolve tension in the middle east? Take away all the weapons in the middle east! How do we alleviate worries that terrorists might acquire nuclear weapons? Take away all the nuclear weapons! And why stop there? Marcus’s “take away the problem and the problem is gone” plan can do anything! Let’s take away racism! Then racism isn’t a problem anymore! GUYS, THIS IS SUCH A GREAT PLAN! I don’t see how Johanna could possibly say no to a plan so detailed and totally real as this one!

Marcus says. “I contacted you because I thought you were a friend.”
“I thought you contacted me because you know I’m still the leader of the Allegiant, and you want an ally,” Johanna says […] “They told me what your boy said when he was under truth serum. That nasty rumor Jeanine Matthews spread about you and your son . . . it was true, wasn’t it?”

Don’t get too excited. She still immediately agrees to Marcus’s completely substance-less plan anyway.

“Let me join you in leading the Allegiant,” he says. “I was an Abnegation leader. I was practically the leader of this entire city. People will rally behind me.”
“People have rallied already,” Johanna points out. “And not behind a person, but behind the desire to reinstate the factions. Who says I needyou?”
“Not to diminish your accomplishments, but the Allegiant are still too insignificant to be any more than a small uprising,” Marcus says. “There are more factionless than any of us knew. You do need me. You know it.” […]
Carefully, Johanna says to him, “Can you promise me that you will, wherever possible, try to limit the destruction we will cause?”

How the rest of this book will go, contained in one gif

Why does this happen? Johanna has just learned that Marcus is a monster who lied about abusing his child and spouse for years, and this is the plan that forces her to side with him anyway? Ugh, fuck the old story. Let’s go see what Tris is up to with the new story.

Chapter 32: Tris

Over in the new story that’s completely replaced the dumb, ol’ Chicago experiment story anyway (Remember when this story was what the entire first two books were about? Fuck that noise! That was sooo one book ago!), David summons Tris to his office. Tris is worried this will be awkward, since their last encounter ended with Tris using him as a human shield of sorts, but it’s ok, because she’s also worried about boys.

Uriah is still in a coma. I still can’t look at Tobias […] I’m not sure when, or if, anything will ever get better, not sure if these wounds are the kind that can heal.

Tris once again rediscovers the theme that people are complicated and don’t fit into evil/not evil categories.

David sits in a wheelchair […] Though I know that he had something to do with the attack simulation, and with all those deaths, I find it difficult to pair those actions with the man I see in front of me.

Unless they’re Erudite, of course.

David thanks Tris for her role in saving his life and the Bureau, and tells her that – while they still don’t know what to actually do with all her friends that escaped the Chicago experiment – he would like her to begin training to be on the group of councilors that runs the Bureau.

And so Divergent flips the coin of character motivation…

The councilors are probably the same people who authorized the attack simulation and ensured that it was passed on to Jeanine at the right time. And he wants me to sit among them, learn to become them.
“I’m sorry,” I say slowly. “I don’t think this is something I’m ready for at this time.”
“I see,” David says. I take note of the disappointment on his face. I hope I bought myself some time.

So I guess that’s her decision about that! Except it’s totally not. I made that dialogue up. Here’s what she really says:

“Of course,” I say, and smile. “I would be honored.”
If someone offers you an opportunity to get closer to your enemy, you always take it. I know that without having learned it from anyone.

But did you believe me the first time? Does it necessarily make more sense, based on how we know Tris thinks and what (if anything) is motivating her right now, that she would say yes instead of no? We even have a “I just knew” in here! We’re literally making up her motivation on the spot here, so this is another case where the characters’ decisions are a bit more like…

Tris uses her new connection with David to ask about his relationship with her mother. For some reason. Because as you might imagine, this immediately gets weird.

“You were . . . close with my mother, while she was here?” I say. […]
Yes, we were close, your mother and I.” His voice softens when he talks about her— he is no longer the toughened leader of this compound, but an old man, reflecting on some fonder past.

If it’s after 2007 and your character’s thing is that he had unrequited love for the main character’s dead mom, we all 100% know where you got that idea from.

The book elaborates on this point with Veronica Roth’s usual talent for subtlety:

The past that happened before he got her killed.

“Subtlety”

David also reveals that he remembers that Tris threatened to shoot him in the Weapons Lab, but explains that he sees this as a good thing, because it shows that Tris is willing to make sacrifices for the greater good. Tris takes the opportunity to ask what would have happened if Nita and co simply blew up the door into the Weapons Lab.

The answer is, of course, another serum.

“A serum would have been released into the air… one that masks could not have protected against, because it is absorbed into the skin,” says David. “One that even the genetically pure cannot fight off. I don’t know how Nita knows about it, since it’s not supposed to be public knowledge, but I suppose we’ll find out some other time.”

Who wants to place a bet that Nita learned this through yet another serum too?

Hi guys, Matt and I have pretty hectic weeks ahead of us, so we’re taking the week off. We’ll return next with to the lives of all our beloved characters.

Gideon’s mother calls to cancel their highly anticipated lunch. Everyone, go home, show’s over. I know your hopes were all sky high, desperately awaiting being treated to the same passive aggressive (or outright aggressive) interactions between Eva and Gideon’s mom, and her continual pleas for Gideon to call more often.

Eva joins Gideon in the kitchen, and he gets a bit distracted:

Pleasure at the sight of her slid through my veins like the liquor I’d wished were in my coffee. She could do that to me, intoxicate and captivate me.

What in fuck’s name is this metaphor even trying to tell us? “This thing is just like the other thing I wish was happening but actually wasn’t.” Or “The snow was white like the car I wished I had but didn’t and was actually a blue car.”

Gideon ends the call with his mother, making promises to call her more often, which is basically the only outcome of any of his scenes with her.

Eva thanks Gideon for buying her the dress she’s wearing. Apparently, he is the expert on knowing exactly how to dress his wife in ways that show his preferred amount of titage. As oppose to a dress like this one:

“I’ve made mistakes, but I’m learning.” I leaned back against the counter and pulled her between my spread legs. Had she noticed one less Vera Wang dress in the closet? I’d removed it from her wardrobe after realizing just how much of her luscious tits it exposed.

Does Gideon make a habit of going through his wife’s closet and just removing clothing without her knowledge? Where does he even find the time to do this if he’s barely ever home? In fact, I feel like we’ve been privy to basically every waking moment of Gideon’s this book (and Eva’s) so how has this slipped by our, very careful, attention? [Matthew says: Can we talk about how super fucked up this is? Like, Gideon is straight up gaslighting Eva now. THEIR LOVE RINGS SO TRUE.]

Gideon tells Eva about Corinne’s upcoming tell-all book that she’s put together very quickly. It’s unclear if she’s been writing this all along because it seems to be going to print really fucking fast. [Matthew says: I like how this book keeps finding new and exciting ways for time to have no fucking meaning.]

Eva is scared because Gideon’s going to have to read the book, looking for anything he can prove is a lie so he can “go after her for that.” Because for once there doesn’t seem to be anything else he can do, because that’s what this “plot” calls for. Gideon points out that even if he reads this book, it’s still not going to suddenly cause a lightbulb to go off on his head like, “OH YEAH! I do love Corinne. Without this book, I never would have remembered my own memories.”

Later, Gideon meets Corinne for a completely ineffective lunch at one of Arnoldo’s restaurants. It’s the same argument they always have.

Gideon: Why would you publish this book?

Corinne:  SO YOU REMEMBER OUR LOVE.

Gideon: But I don’t want to be with you. I was content with you, which is all well an good, but I want to be with Eva.

Corinne pulls out a hypnotizer: You don’t really want to be with Eva. You’ve had arguments in public. IN PUBLIC, GIDEON. You’ll break up because passionate relationships like yours always do, so instead you should just settle for me. It won’t make me feel shitty for some reason if you just settle for me.

Gideon: Seriously, I don’t get the point of this. I really don’t want to be with you, and this is getting super pathetic.

Corinne: Because you’ll remember our love?

Gideon: No

Corinne: Because I can prove you were comfortable with me?

Seriously, basically Corinne winds up saying she just wants to prove that he was comfortable during their time together. Like the bar continues to lower and lower to the point where it’s just so unbelievable that she has any real stakes in this book being published. She also explains that it’s not really a book as much as it is her own diary entries, which of course are going to be completely biased. If she believes now that Gideon was in love with her or content or whatever, reading her own fucking diary entries and not his aren’t exactly the most reliable source of information. [Matthew says: Here is where the bar is with Corinne: GIDEON is a more rational and likeable character now. Do take a moment to let that horror sink in.]

After lunch, Gideon is upset because everyone in the world has realized Eva is his weakness and is try to get to him through her. No, Gideon, it’s really just that Sylvia Day thinks that the more pointless conflicts she throws into the mix, the more interesting the story will be. [Matthew says: See Russian mob.]

The final two things that happen in this chapter even vaguely worth mentioning are that 1) Gideon offers Eva’s boss Mark a job. The ultimate goal is to get Mark to come work for him so Eva will too. This is, of course, the sign of a markedly healthy relationship between husband and wife. 2) Gideon gets a drink with Arnoldo (at a club, for some reason).

Arnoldo informs Gideon that Corinne isn’t completely heartless because she started crying as soon as Gideon left the restaurant earlier. We already know that Corinne cries all the time. Corinne crying is not the issue here at all. It’s that she’s being a complete dick – I don’t care if being a complete dick and getting called out on it brings her to tears.

We also get to catch up with beloved Arnoldo a little bit:

“What’s new with you?”

“He waved off the question with a careless sweep of his hand, his gaze sliding around us to take in the women nearby who were swaying to the music of Lana Del Rey. “The restaurant is doing well, as you know.”

“Yes, I’m very pleased. Exceeded profit projections in every way.”

Of course, because whatever Gideon, Eva, and their friends touch turns to gold. Except Cary. Everything he touches just turns into orgies, babies, or uninteresting Google search results. Maybe he should stop using the phrase, “Baby girl” all the time. I’m almost positive there’s a direct correlation between how often sometime uses that endearment genuinely and how successful they are in life. Sorry, back to you, Arnoldo. Please tell me about your show on the Food Network

“We just filmed some promotional teasers for the new season earlier this week. Once the Food Network starts airing them and the new episodes, we should see a nice boost in business.”

“I can always say I knew you when.”

He laughed and clinked his glass to mine when I held it up in a toast.”

BUT LIKE WHAT IS THE SHOW ACTUALLY ABOUT? I hope it’s not just Arnoldo giving cooking lessons but dramatic, behind the scenes restauranting.

If Arnoldo is going to be the next big star on the Food Network, I think it’s only fair that Gideon get a show on Bravo wherein he just picks out new clothes for Eva and throws out dresses that he doesn’t approve of. Someone out there would watch it. I’m assuming it would be called something pithy like, Autonomy Shmautonomy: Say No to the Ho. Please pitch ideas or the title of this program and Arnoldo’s show in the comments. [Matthew says: My suggestion is Gideon gets a show on TLC called “CEOzilla”. I like Ariel’s a lot, but I think there’s room in the DVR of my heart for both.]

But first there’s a lot of boring shit that does not involve sex swings. Sorry. All sex swings in good time.

Chapter 18

First thing in this chapter that is not a sex swing: Eva and her mom meet with the wedding planner.

I know. I’m sorry. We have a long way to go.

Eva and her mom continue to disagree about everything. It’s almost amusing if you pretend you’re reading Oscar Wilde, because Eva’s mom is so out of touch it almost looks like intentional satire.

“Red?” My mother gave an emphatic shake of her head. “How garish, Eva. It’s your first wedding.”

Seriously, there’s a looooooooooooot of this.

“Do we have an idea of the budget?” […]
“Fifty thousand for the ceremony itself,” I blurted out. “Minus the cost of the dress.”
Both women turned wide eyes toward me.
My mom gave an incredulous laugh, her hand lifting to touch the Cartier trinity necklace that hung between her breasts. “My God, Eva. What a time to make jokes!”

Is anyone NOT picturing basically this?

I can’t tell if we’re supposed to think she’s funny because she’s so exaggeratedly out of touch, or if this is supposed to be a daughter-mother conflict we’re supposed to… relate to? It’s so weird, because she’s so over-the-top this could work as satire, but we’re missing that vital sense of self-awareness that makes satire work, so we’re repeatedly given scenes where I think we’re supposed to be empathizing with Eva’s ongoing struggle to reign in her mother clutching her Cartier trinity necklace at the thought of spending less than the national average annual income on a wedding, excepting the dress. Somehow.

Speaking of a lack of self-awareness, Eva has some good lines where, threaded by the most tangential of connections, she just muses on how attractive Gideon is, because I guess since he’s not in this scene we might have forgotten?

I hoped I aged with half as much grace [as my mom], because Gideon was only going to get hotter as time went on. He was just that kind of man.

Is it comic relief? Are we already supposed to be laughing? Is all of this supposed to be serious? Just another day in the tonally misguided netherworld of Crossfire.

Eva decides on the spot that the wedding with be on the beach, at the North Carolina house Gideon just purchased. Eva’s mom is against it. The sun rises in the east.

“Mom. […] You can go wild with the reception, okay?” […]
Her hand tightened on mine and she looked at me with tears in her blue eyes. “I guess it’ll have to be.”

Rich people problems are hilaaaaaaaarious.

We skip to a scene where we learn we skipped the scene where Cary told Trey about Tatiana’s pregnancy. This might seem like wasted potential, but maybe we should be thankful we didn’t have to read this. Plus, Eva’s summary is full of delightfully clusterfucky details.

I’d stayed tucked away in the kitchen while Cary sat with Trey […] reading a book while staying in Cary’s line of sight.

WHO WOULD DO THIS? And don’t say she’s there for emotional support, because she’s fucking reading a book.

As for the scene we’re in now, Trey calls Eva because he needs to talk, and he’s clearly struggling with his emotions, which makes sense. On her way there, she’s also on the phone with Gideon, where they talk about how Eva’s maternal relatives aren’t invited because she Googled them and learned they disowned her mom when she got pregnant with Eva, which is evidently important information that we need to know right now, crammed into the middle of this chapter about not that.

Trey asks Eva for advice, admitting he doesn’t think he can carry on with Cary (sorry – I literally can’t think of another way to word that). Apropos of nothing, Eva works in a line about how Cary can’t be sure the baby is his until the paternity test, which by this point has been hinted at more obviously than Star Trek hinted that it’s in space. Cary knows he’s going to be resentful of being on the side while Cary cares (seriously, I don’t know what’s wrong with me today) for Tatiana and the baby. Eva says that she has no answers for Trey, but can tell him that Cary loves him more than she’s seen him love anyone, but also that she doesn’t think she could do it were she in Trey’s situation.

Because the chapter is determined to cram in as many stories unrelated to each other and the sex swing (still gotta wait), Eva also sees Anne Lucas outside the apartment building. That’s totally weird! She tells Gideon about it, he explains that he saw her the other day too, and they determine she’s totally up to something. Although the book has no idea what that something is.

“How would she hurt me?”
“I don’t know.”

GOOD JOB DEVELOPING PLOT, BOOK.

But something as simple as no established tangible stakes won’t stop a Crossfire book from trying to sell that this totally matters anyway.

“Like would she break my leg? My nose?”
“I doubt she’d resort to violence,” he said dryly. “It would be more fun for her to play mind games. Showing up where you are. Letting you catch glimpses of her.”

Oh no. Not the dreaded “sometimes you see me for a little bit” torture. Whatever depths will this villain plunge to next.

As long as the topic of Gideon’s craaaaaazy exes is up, Gideon also explains that Corinne is getting a divorce. I invite you to compare Eva’s completely reasonable reaction to “Corinne is getting divorced”…

“She’s getting divorced?”

…to Gideon’s “I WILL NEVER EVER CHEAT ON YOU” RESPONSE TOTALLY OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE:

“Don’t take that tone, Eva. It doesn’t make a damn bit of difference to me if she’s married or single. I’m married. That’s never going to change, and I’m not a man who cheats.”

Like, wouldn’t the fact that he brings up that he’s not a cheater when prompted by a conversation not about cheating be 100% more worrisome that he might be a cheater?

Eva then describes the universal experience of women:

“Isn’t it enough that you’re hot, and have an amazing body and a huge cock?”
He shook his head, clearly exasperated. “It’s not huge.”
“Whatever. You’re hung. And you know how to use it. And women don’t get awesome sex very often, so when we do, we can go a little nuts over it.”

In comparison, men are well known for NEVER going a little nuts over sex.

Gideon sat back, slouching. Scowling. “At some point you’re going to get sick of hearing what an asshole I am.”

Your words, book. Not mine.

Gideon suddenly opens up a bit about his revenge sex with Anne Lucas to get back at the Dr. Hugh Lucas who molested him. It’s unsettling. Possibly in a way that could have been a good kind of disturbing if this weren’t in the same chapter as Eva’s Cartier necklace-clutching mother and “Women go a little nuts over the great sex we never get! Haha, women!”

“She reminds me of Hugh sometimes,” he said in a rush. “The way she moves, some of the things she says . . . There’s a familial resemblance. And more. I can’t explain it. […] Sometimes the line between them blurred in my mind. It was like I was punishing Hugh through Anne. I did things to her I’ve never done with anyone else. Things that made me feel sick when I thought about them later.”

I don’t actually have much to say about this. It should be interesting to learn how Gideon’s fucked up, but his character is so repulsive for so many other reasons that this is basically the character development equivalent of your roommate who lets all their dirty dishes pile up in the sink for weeks, and then wipes the counter.

By this point, there’s just no way Crossfire will ever sell me on Gideon as a not-repulsive person, no matter how insistently Eva constantly spells it out for us:

that was why I trusted him. Because it was never a question of whether I would submit, but when I was ready to

…which comes less than a page after a completely contradictory line like this:

He released me, his eyes now so dark they were like sapphires. “Are you wet?” […]
“Why don’t you find out?” I teased.
“Show me.” [with] authoritative bite in his command

But maybe it’s all worth it for how hilarious what comes next is, because, guys, we have arrived:

“Turn around,” he said quietly.
Something about his voice . . . the way he looked at me . . .
I looked over my shoulder.
And saw the swing.

The joke is this is a different kind of swing.

Okay, guys, we all know what’s up at this point. We’re equal parts curious how hilariously awful this sex scene is going to be written and curious what this actually entails. Luckily, Eva, describer of things, is here for you:

It wasn’t what I expected.

Fortunately we also get the sexiest thing of all: WALLS OF DESCRIPTION

The only object in the room was the swing itself, suspended from a sturdy cagelike structure. A wide, solid metal platform anchored steel sides and roof, which supported the weight of a padded metal chair and chains. Red leather cuffs for wrists and ankles hung in the appropriate places.

Gideon wants to be sure that Eva remembers their safeword in case she stops feeling comfortable, which makes her feel like “he loved me so much there were no words for how he felt”, because apparently in this book men get points for meeting the minimum requirements for being a decent person. Gideon lifts Eva into the seat and secures her ankles, and then we get this supremely goofy sentence because this book won’t use the word “vagina”:

The wide head slid through the slickness of my desire, then nudged against my exposed clit.

Apparently the sex is great, but the description mostly makes it sound like anything but:

The sound that ripped from my throat was inhuman […]
“Fuck,” he hissed. “Your cunt is so good.”

Because even when the book pulls out something as new and novel as a sex swing, it still boils down to Gideon saying, “Your cunt is so good”.

“That sex was good,” said Eva Goodcunt. “Yes,” said Gideon Goodsex. “Your cunt is good.”

Chapter 34: Tris

As part of the beginning of her training to join the Bureau of Genetic Welfare council, Tris goes on a visit to the impoverished wasteland known as the fringe. As is obviously the most necessary thing 2/3 of the way into this last book of a trilogy, it’s time to meet MORE NEW CHARACTERS.

First, we meet members of the Bureau’s security team! Which for some reason we did not meet during the attack on the Bureau a few chapters ago, but shhhhhhh

• Amar – who isn’t technically new, but he’s Tobias’s old mentor (whose existence we didn’t know until he showed up and said, “Hi, I’m Tobias’s old mentor”). I can’t remember if we’ve seen him once or twice previously, which isn’t a great sign for a new character we’re now maybe wrapping up this series with to have never been memorable.
• George – Tori’s brother, who is not technically new either, but given how previously his entire role in the narrative was to be not-Tori, he might as well be
• Jack – some guy!
• Violet – some lady!
• Ann – yet another lady! But I bet you know just as much about her as you do about Amar and George!

The six of them get into a truck and drive out to the fringe on a mission to set up “more extensive surveillance” after the most recent attack. Tris and Amar also have a philosophical debate about whether genetic damage is real, which by this point in the story is as enjoyable and meaningful as asking random people on Twitter whether misogyny is real.

“So you believe it all? All the stuff about genetic damage being the cause of . . . this?” […]
“You don’t?” Amar says. “The way I see it, the earth has been around for a long, long time. Longer than we can imagine. And before the Purity War, no one had ever done this, right?” He waves his hand to indicate the world outside.
“I don’t know,” I say. “I find it hard to believe that they didn’t.”
“Such a grim view of human nature you have,” he says.

Just in case we weren’t sure about this point about how people buy into the social constructs they’re given – which has been, you know, the major theme of the entire Divergent series for the past two and two-thirds of a book – Tris explains what this means again:

Evelyn tried to control people by controlling weapons, but Jeanine was more ambitious— she knew that when you control information, or manipulate it, you don’t need force to keep people under your thumb. They stay there willingly.

And again:

That is what the Bureau— and the entire government, probably— is doing: conditioning people to be happy under its thumb.

Even if you like these books (maybe especially if you like these books), I’m pretty unsure how you could get to page 345 of the third book and not already get this concept. For a book that’s so weirdly (if unintentionally) anti-intellectual (see Erudite), it’s really weird how much of it is the book trying really, really, really, really hard to sound smart. Case in point:

How many different kinds of ruin do you have to see before you resign yourself to calling it all “ruin”?

Tris and the gang of five minor characters reach a populated part of the fringe, which sends the locals running away and screaming in terror. After walking around a bit, they hear gunshots and George screaming for help. Tris gets separated from the group in the commotion, but is taken in by… a small old woman?

A hand closes around my arm and drags me backward, into one of the aluminum lean-tos. […] standing in front of me is a small, thin woman with a grubby face.
“You don’t want to be out there,” she says. “They’ll lash out at anyone, no matter how young she is.”
“They?” I say.
“Lots of angry people here in the fringe,”

The random woman continues to help Tris for no clear reason. They too begin to discuss the relevant sociopolitical issues of their time. As you do.

“[Y]ou must be Genetic Welfare types, right?”
“No,” I say. “I mean, they are, but I’m from the city. I mean, Chicago.”
Amy’s eyebrows pop up high. “Damn. Has it been disbanded?”
“Not yet.”
“That’s unfortunate.”
“Unfortunate?” I frown at her. “That’s my home you’re talking about, you know.”

Because even though the book has been painstakingly spelling out how bad the genetic modification experiments are for two and two-thirds of a book, usually by Tris’s own narration, Tris still doesn’t get that the Chicago experiment was bad.

“Well your home is perpetuating the belief that genetically damaged people need to be fixed— that they’re damaged, period, which they— we— are not.” […]
I hadn’t thought about it that way.

This is so 1300 pages ago, Tris

Amy arbitrarily decides it’s safe for Tris to leave now, having fulfilled whatever her role in the plot was supposed to be. Tris immediately runs into George, who is held at gunpoint by some young people living on the fringe, demanding to know where “you’ve been taking our people!” Before this can get interesting, Amar also appears and the outnumbered fringe youths scatter. Tris continues to provide incredibly useless insights into the events of the world around her.

I wonder who taught these people to be so terrified of soldiers. I wonder what made a young boy desperate enough to aim a gun at one of them.

The book half-asses its explanation for why Tris and co are even out there in the first place:

“Luckily, that’s the last set of coordinates,” Violet says. “Let’s get going.”

Why are we out here? COORDINATES. Why are you still asking questions? We have shit to coordinate with these coordinates!

Then we also learn that Amar is gay and used to have an unrequited crush on Four, because I guess this is as logical a time for him to reveal personal information to a relative stranger as anything as that happens in this book. To be fair, the book finally does some interesting world-building into this genetics-obsessed society. For, like, a paragraph, but check it:

“You have to understand,” Amar says. “The Bureau is obsessed with procreation— with passing on genes. And George and I are both GPs, so any entanglement that can’t produce a stronger genetic code . . . It’s not encouraged, that’s all.”

Amar also tells Tris that Four seems to be a more stable person with Tris:

Four without you is a much different person. He’s . . . obsessive, explosive, insecure . . .”
“Obsessive?”
“What else do you call someone who repeatedly goes through his own fear landscape?”

The fact that he was doing that while he was with Tris notwithstanding, of course.

Question of the Day: I genuinely liked this last bit here about Divergent-world’s spin on homophobia and how this character struggles with it. It’s a short, but sweet glimpse at how a facet of society has been influenced by the sci fi world it exists in. It also retrospectively sheds an interesting light on the deathbed coming out of the last character we learned was LGBTQ, and why there might have been more to them hiding that part of their identity then we thought. Of course, none of this might have been intentional, but that doesn’t matter (intentional fallacy, blah blah blah), if there’s something interesting to engage with in there.

What other stuff would you be genuinely interested to know about the genetic purity-obsessed world of Divergent that the book will probably never answer because it’s still not sure if we get that genetic purity is a bad thing to be obsessed about?

So yesterday, we had a bit of a mishap, and chapter 34 actually went up instead of this one! Matt and I considered taking the post down when Matt had the incredible realisation that it didn’t fucking matter. So we decided to save ourselves the hassle and post it out of order. Because you missed absolutely nothing by having read it this way. And now you know!

Allegiant Chapter 33: Tobias

Tobias returns to the dorms, and Peter returns to being a character in this book just in time to be the obnoxious pot calling the kettle black:

“Look who it is,” Peter says as I walk into the dormitory. “The traitor.”

Peter, just because it’s been a couple weeks since you last betrayed someone, you don’t suddenly get to be the traitor police, okay?

If you’re all wondering what Peter has been up to this whole time, he’s apparently just been circling places he’s been on a map. As you can imagine, he’s been all of two places. HEY HE’S CIRCLING REALLY CAREFULLY, IT’S TAKEN AWHILE.

“If you think you’re standing on some kind of moral high ground, you’re wrong,” I say to Peter. “Why all the maps?”
“I’m having trouble wrapping my head around it, the size of the world,” he says. “Some of the Bureau people have been helping me learn more about it. Planets and stars and bodies of water, things like that.”

I stand corrected. He’s been drawing circles and trying to understand…outer space? And water? I don’t understand this, did they not teach anything about space or “bodies of water” in the Chicago experiment? [Matthew says: Honestly, I have to be the dissenting opinion here. I actually thought this was an interesting character moment for Peter – maybe because the hugeness of space is one of those things that seriously freaks me out. Although Ariel does make a really good point about the implications of this… so the Chicago experiment can science up mind control microcomputers, but remains befuddled by basic astronomy?]

Peter, suddenly over the fact that Tobias is a traitor decides to have an existential crisis in his general direction:

“So? So everything I’ve ever worried about or said or done, how can it possibly matter?” He shakes his head. “It doesn’t.”
“Of course it does,” I say. “All that land is filled with people, every one of them different, and the things they do to each other matter.”

“I just found out oceans exist, how can you possibly expect me to believe anything matters!”

Peter and Tobias, well on their way to becoming best friends because Tobias has exhausted all of his other options, [Matthew says: Much like this book.] exchange hilarious barbs about murdering people in their sleep and stabbing people’s eyeballs (LOL remember the time Peter did that to Edward? Good tiiiiimes!)

Peter laughs too, and I realize that I am exchanging jokes and conversation with the initiate who stabbed Edward in the eye and tried to kill my girlfriend—if she’s still that. But then, he’s also the Dauntless who helped us end the attack simulation and saved Tris from a horrible death. I am not sure which actions should weigh more heavily on my mind. Maybe I should forget them all, let him begin again.

That’s cool, but I would still refrain from making jokes about someone getting their eye stabbed out. Still too soon.

Peter graciously invites Tobias to be part of his and Caleb’s intimate circle of hated folk. It consists of Caleb and Peter, so it’s not really a circle so much as it is two losers standing in a very short line.

Tobias isn’t happy with this reminder that he’s just another person that almost got Tris killed and who is no longer in her good graces. Peter bangs on about how everyone just hates whoever Tris hates, because this is apparently Mean Girls but with “science experiments”, and Tobias agrees.

To me, Tris has always seemed magnetic in a way I could not describe, and that she was not aware of. I have never feared or hated her for it, the way Peter does, but then, I have always been in a position of strength myself, not threatened by her. Now that I have lost that position, I can feel the tug toward resentment, as strong and sure as a hand around my arm.

I’m not buying this, since when has Tris been super magnetic? I thought it’s been made pretty clear that she’s quite a polarising figure, and even the people that she considers friends have been pretty up and down with their feelings about her.

Cara shows up to tell Tobias it’s time to come along with her to join yet another group of people. This always works out so well, so I’m pumped. She assures us that this group is totally better than Nita’s group! So I obviously believe her wholeheartedly and definitely, completely haven’t forgotten who she is.

At the super secret meeting of the New and Improved Group of Rebels, Tris brainstorms ideas for how they’re going to show the world the truth. You sure guessed it, she thinks maybe they should use a truth serum on everybody! Serums solve everything!

BUT WAIT. Tobias points out that the genetically pure AKA the people in charge are resistant to serums, that’s like their one claim to fame.

“That’s not necessarily true,” Matthew says, pinching the string around his neck and then twisting it. “We don’t see that many Divergent resisting truth serum. Just Tris, in recent memory. The capacity for serum resistance seems to be higher in some people than others—take yourself, for example, Tobias.” Matthew shrugs.

Of course, how could I possibly forget that the rules are constantly changing in this series in order to accommodate whatever is going on in a given scene. [Matthew says: I fully expect this book to end with David leaping from his wheelchair, laughing, “You fools! Little did you know the truth serum actually grants superpowers to people who have temporarily lost the use of their legs!”, before he murders everyone with his lightning breath.]

Everyone is given very important jobs – Cara and Caleb are going to study the serums to see if Tris’s awesome plan of awesome might work while Christina and Tobias go undercover to get closer to Reggie…for some reason. He might know more about Nita and co’s original plan or something.

The chapter ends with Tris and Tobias arguing and crying. I have to say, I’m on Tris’ side. Tobias always claims to respect her and then always just dismisses her idea, but he just turns it around and says Tris is punishing him for not agreeing with her. No, jackass, she’s saying you need to stop dismissing her and saying things like, “Oh you just don’t trust her because she’s pretty.” Fuck you, Tobias.

Last week, a sex swing! This week, more arguing. THE STAKES HAVE NEVER BEEN HIGHER!

Captivated by You Chapter 19: Gideon

Gideon decides that breakfast is the best time to tell Eva that he offered Mark (Eva’s boss) a job in an obvious and shameless bid to get Eva to come work for him as well. Eva is furious both that Gideon did this at all and that it took him two days to tell her.

Gideon’s defence is that his arch nemesis Richard Landon had tried to hire Mark and Eva to work on the marketing for his new game console. Because Landon was only doing this to get to Gideon…somehow…instead of talking to Eva about the conflict of interest…he just offers Mark a job. Nice save, Gideon.

“What are you saying?”

“That Landon’s waited a long time for his pound of Cross flesh. Maybe he doesn’t care that you married into the name. I don’t know what he has in mind. At the very least, he’s forcing us into a place where we’re unable to share information with each other.”

WHO THE FUCK CARES? What information in this scenario would Gideon even be missing? As far as I’m aware, they’ve never discussed anything besides sex and their many enemies anyway.

At one point, Eva is so mad she says this:

“You need to stop talking,” she said hoarsely. “Because every word coming out of your mouth makes me think we’re so far apart on this that we’ve got no business being married.”

It’s so true, but I’m not really sure why this is the straw that broke the camels back when one time Gideon murdered someone. Like why is this where Eva finally takes a step back and is like, “This might be a fucked up situation.”

Eva storms out, saying she needs some time on her own because she was going to end up coming to work for Gideon anyway sometime in the future but she wanted to make that decision on her own. It really pissed me off that Eva said this – she had every right to be mad in this situation, but it had always been a good thing that she didn’t want to go work for Gideon and had stood her ground on that. Why now is she like, “Actually, all along I was telling you definitely not, but I really meant yes.” It sets the worst possible precedent for this already terrible relationship.

She’s also angry that she’ll be out of a job, saying that she’s leaving so she can figure out what she’s going to do next. I’m confused as to why Eva would be out of a job, though, if Mark went to work for Gideon? It’s not his business, and at this point Eva is both valuable both because of her name and because she’s meant to be good at her job. Why would they just be like, “Well if Mark left, we have no use for you!”

The scene ends, and we’re thrown into another one of Gideon’s absolutely dreadful dreams – dreadful both in terms of the actual content of the dream and it’s execution. We learn nothing new from the dream at all, it’s just used as a way to make Eva look horrible for leaving Gideon to fend for himself against the darkness within, or whatever.

Initially, what starts out as a usual gross sex scene in which sacs are massaged and fingers somehow thicken and lengthen during anal fingering (wizardry at its most baffling), becomes another dream in which Gideon is raped by Hugh again, and then he murders him/his sister Anne who he has suddenly morphed into. Also Eva has left him in the dream and he’s like, “RAAAAAAGEEEE.” Guys, I’m worried about Gideon and everyone around him.

The next day at work, Marks shows up to discuss Gideon’s offer. This prompts Gideon to justify to himself what he did yet again – if he didn’t protect Eva, she would face things head on, and we just can’t have that, can we?

Of course, Mark accepts the offer and says that he’s going to try to get Eva to join him, completely unaware of the dramatic drama going on because of this.

The rest of the chapter passes in a sad!Gideon blur. He tries to woo Eva back to him with various texts:

I texted her constantly. Pleas for her to call me. I just need to hear your voice. Notes about nothing. Cooler today, isn’t it? Comments about work. Never realized Scott always wears blue. And most of all, I love you. ”

I didn’t think there were any new ways to make talking about the weather seem more boring, but I guess if there was a man up to the job it would be Gideon Cross. And if making sharp observations about Scott’s work clothing wasn’t enough to get Eva to respond, she has a heart of stone.

The chapter closes with Gideon opening up to his and Eva’s therapist about their fight, the ways he might have to change in order to make the relationship work, and about his past.

Since next chapter is the last for this book, does anyone have any guesses about what the next book is going to be about? Is it going to be about Gideon and Eva getting back together (or will that just happen next chapter)? Reacting to Corinne’s diary entires, er, “book” being published? Finally finding out what Anne Lucas’ revenge is actually supposed to be? The wedding?Cary and his maybe baby? ALL OF THE THINGS?

Good news! It’s the last chapter of Captivated By You! Are you surprised, because it doesn’t seem like the story has been leading up to any kind of ending at all? Us too.

Chapter 20: Eva

We pick up at Eva’s mom and stepdad’s place, where Eva (and Cary, for whatever reason) are staying while Eva and Gideon are staying away from each other. You might recall that this conflict – which is now the all-consuming focal point of the entire narrative moving as we move into the climax – began all of one chapter ago. Which means that, in terms of the things that helped get us to the end of this story, the first 317 pages of this book were completely irrelevant.

Not that we didn’t already feel this way during those 317 pages.

Eva talks about her situation with Gideon and her feelings towards it with Cary (Seriously, why is Cary hiding out at Eva’s parents’ place? Aside from how it’s been unclear why Cary’s doing anything that he’s been doing for most of the last two books). She tells Cary that she wants to talk to Gideon soon, but thinks they both need a little time, which is a fair contender for understatement of the year. As you might imagine, the story is trying to capture big, serious emotion here, and there are some fantastically awful attempts at it:

• I spent every minute— waking and sleeping— feeling like someone had hacked out my heart and left a gaping hole in my chest.
• [Cary] muttered. “Personally, I like hiding. Just taking a fucking break and forgetting about all the crap.”
  “But the crap’s always out there waiting for you.”
• I was a fucking mess, a zombie in the vibrantly lively city of New York.

We’re at The Room-level dialogue, although that’s only as much of a problem as you want it to be.

Eva mentions that Mark asked her to move to Cross Industries with him, but isn’t sure about working with Gideon, despite having almost come to the decision on her own. Cary may or may not be in the same book.

“Are you going to work for Gideon?”
“I don’t know. I wasn’t kidding when I told him I was halfway toward making that decision on my own. But now… I kinda want to apply elsewhere just to spite him.”
Cary lifted his fists and shadowboxed. “Show him he’s not the boss of you.”

Eva argues that she loves her job and could just stay there, but she might not love it without Mark there. In a true testament to how much of a disjointed mess this story has become, Cary has to remind her that there are other characters friends at her job too.

“I wouldn’t have Mark, and he’s the reason I love my job. Would I still want to be there without him?”
“You’d still have Megumi and Will.”

Even with this kind of embarrassingly basic information reminder, I don’t even remember who Will is. Cary could have said, “You’d still have Megumi and 빅뱅” and this would have had the exact same impact on me.

Just in case you feel like I’m being nitpicky about how awful the writing is in this conversation, it ends with this:

“If this were a romantic comedy, it’d be called Love Actually Sucks.”
“Maybe we should’ve stuck with Sex and the City.”
“Tried that. Ended up Knocked Up. I should’ve gone for being a 40-Year-Old Virgin, but I had way too much of a head start.”
“We can write a manual on How to Lose a Guy in 10 Weeks.”
Cary looked at me. “Fucking perfect.”

Is it, Cary? Is it fucking perfect? What’s the fucking perfect part, Cary? That these aren’t even puns, just references to thematically similar stories? Is that really fucking perfect?

“Just 12 parsecs? Sounds more like a Star Trek to me! Haha, JK! Let’s go on this Space Odyssey and hope we don’t run into any Battlestar Gallacticas.”

The next morning, Eva meets up with Angus to drive her to work, where she gets an update that Gideon is, indeed, suffering. Once Eva gets into the car, this prompts her to text him “I love you”, to which he calls her. To her (and this book’s) credit… she actually calls him out on how bad his manipulative and controlling shit is.

“I believe that you’re sorry we’re not together now. But I also believe that you would do something like this again. I’m trying to figure out if I can live with that. […] I’m afraid that if I make this compromise, if I stay with you knowing how you are and that you’re not going to change, I’m just going to resent you and, eventually, fall out of love with you.”

Now, as you know from Gideon’s therapy scene from the last chapter, there’s a very big counterpoint to criticism that Gideon’s manipulative and controlling character hasn’t changed over the last four books:

“I told Dr. Petersen. About Hugh.”
“What?” My head snapped up. […]
“He said some things . . .” He paused. “They made sense to me. About me and the way I am with you.”

But here’s the thing. Yes, this is a big moment of character growth for Gideon, who was previously very aggressively opposed to the idea of therapy and, by extension, taking a real look at the person he is. But this is still just a point in the plot. Unless it leads to an actual change in how Gideon’s character behaves, it’s meaningless. And, right on cue, in Gideon’s very next line of dialogue, he continues to have not changed from being manipulative and controlling:

“You have to stick with me. You promised.”

But on the plus side, there’s some over-the-top imagery to make up for that:

Tears poured down my face and splattered onto my chest, sliding down beneath the neckline of my dress.

Eva gets to work and talks with Will, the character that both Eva and myself totally forgot existed, and he continues to be a total blank space of a character. Even from context I can’t figure out who this guy is:

He was such a happy guy, anchored solidly in a relationship that worked. I was so envious of that serenity.

Apparently.

No, seriously. As Eva and Will’s conversation goes on, I still can’t remember who the fuck he is, and he doesn’t have a sliver of individuality to help me remember.

“Heard you guys landed the PhazeOne campaign. […] I’m dying to get my hands on that system, you know. The tech blogs are wild with rumors about PhazeOne’s features.”

I would love to say that “wow, that video game system sounds like it has great specifications” rather than great, I don’t know, video games is a shallow portrayal of the average video game aficionado, but, nope, this is pretty accurate and video game culture is just that awful. Congratulations, book. In trying to give this minor character an ounce of personality, you chose to make him a totally average participant in modern Western civilization’s most banal subculture.

“I can’t wait to play ‘man holding weapons facing away from the camera’ with marginally better graphics!” -Will, I guess

Will suggests getting lunch, but Eva has plans with Mark and his partner (which rules out Will being Mark’s partner, which was honestly my best guess up until this point), so Will suggests getting drinks after work with their significant others, which Eva realizes is an opportunity to bring Gideon back into her life. So I guess Will is actually the hero of this story, whoever the fuck he is.

Eva goes to lunch with Mark and Steven. Mark explains that because LanCorp is being so insistent that Mark head up the campaign for their PhazeOne video game system, the company offered Mark a promotion and a raise if he would stay instead of take the new job at Cross Industries. Mark talks about how he feels bad, knowing that if he leaves, they’ll almost certainly lose this huge client, but Steven and Eva assure him this isn’t all on him. Eva also announces that she can’t work on the PhazeOne campaign because she feels it’s too much of a conflict of interest given her husband’s company’s upcoming rival video game system. The scene ends with no resolution whatsoever, and this is the last we see of it in this book, so, uh, hopefully that’s enough to hook you for the sequel.

The chapter jumps ahead again. Hopefully you’ve accepted into your heart that this chapter will never end.

Another night at my mom’s. She’d finally gotten suspicious, considering it was our fourth night in a row at her place. I confessed to arguing with Gideon, but not why.

What was she thinking for the previous three days? “I bet there’s no particular reason why my adult daughter who has her own place in this exact same city is staying at my apartment on zero notice, and also her roommate for some fucking reason.”

And really, I had to give Gideon credit for doing his best to give me the space I’d asked for. He could’ve caught me in an elevator or the lobby of the Crossfire. He could have told Raúl to drive me to him instead of wherever I directed. Gideon was trying.

I love how Crossfire equates “trying” with “not actively stalking”.

Cary asks Eva how long her stalemate with Gideon is going to go on for, while Captivated By You asks itself how long its stalemate with half-assed metaphors is going to go on for:

“When do you decide you’ve got something more to say?”
I thought about that a minute, absently watching Harrison Ford hunt for answers in The Fugitive

They also talk about Cary’s situation with Tatiana, their baby, and Trey. Eva points out (again) that nobody is happy with the current situation.

“I know you want to put the baby first and that’s the right thing to do. But Tatiana’s not happy. And you’re not, either. Trey’s definitely not. This isn’t working out for any of you.”

So she proposes… whatever this is:

“Be happy with Trey. Make him happy. And if Tatiana can’t be happy with having two hot guys looking after her, then she’s . . . not doing something right.”

I mean, yes, that probably is the best solution, but maybe there was a way to word this that didn’t make it sound like Cary and Trey were starting a hot gay male couple nannying service? Actually, that does sound kind of awesome, but presumably you get my point.

Late that night, Eva wakes up when Gideon calls to talk about having a nightmare. This isn’t as ridiculous as it sounds, since we’ve seen the terrifying nightmares Gideon gets over the course of this series. Not that it isn’t ridiculous, because the book desperately tries its hand at symbolism:

“I dreamed about my father at first. We were walking on the beach and he was holding my hand. […] I saw you up ahead on the beach, walking away from us. […] I pointed you out to my dad. I wanted you to turn your head so we could see your face. I knew you were gorgeous. I wanted him to see you. […] He laughed, [only] it wasn’t his laugh. It was Hugh’s. And when I looked up again, it wasn’t my father anymore. […] He told me you didn’t want me, that you were going away because you knew everything and it made you sick. That you couldn’t get away fast enough.”
“That’s not true!” I sat up in bed.

Eva’s reactions are the only tolerable part of this scene, because, as is the case with most things in this book, they’re hilarious:

I could picture the scene so clearly in my mind.

Probably because he’s going into three pages of detail.

They talk about their feelings, and once again prove my earlier point about how no one in this book ever learns from their mistakes:

“We make love and I think we’ll be okay, because we have that and it’s perfect.”
“It is perfect. It’s everything.”

Yo, if it took us four entire books to reach the conclusion that Eva and Gideon feel most secure in their relationship when they’re banging, we could have saved a lot of time.

They talk about fighting for each other and earning each other and making little steps and decide to meet at an all-night cafe and Gideon almost jizzes his pants.

Not making this up.

“I’m going to kiss you,” he said roughly. […]
I moaned as euphoria sparkled through me [and] whimpered in protest when he pulled away […]
“You’ll make me come,” he murmured

Somehow this isn’t the first time I’ve had to question why this book thinks premature ejaculation is romantic.

Speaking of misunderstanding what is and is not romantic, the book continues to make even so much as a kiss sound fucking awful:

The hot stroke of his tongue into my mouth was like a sweet, slow fucking.

And also perpetuates the trope that male mental illness and anguish is sexy, for good measure:

He was unbelievably more beautiful, the expertly sculpted planes of his face honed further by his torment.

They go into the cafe, and try to reinstate some normalcy by talking about the Mark-LanCorp-PhazeOne campaign thing, which even Gideon points out is pretty dumb.

Gideon nodded grimly when I finished. “I’m not surprised. An account like that should be handled by one of the partners. Mark’s good, but he’s a junior manager. LanCorp would’ve had to push to get him. And you. The request is unusual enough to give the partners cause for concern.”

Eva also suggests going out for drinks with Will and his girlfriend Natalie (who?) the upcoming week, and Gideon thinks it’s a great idea. Eva muses on this “small step” and how they “would start with those and see where they took us”, despite how going out for drinks with Eva’s friends is exactly what was happening throughout this entire book.

It was a new day, bringing with it a new chance to try again.

The book ends with those words that were apparently supposed to sum up the epic yarn that was Captivated By You. You know, the story that created a completely new conflict in the last two chapters that became the entirety of the climax, while all the other subplots that actually comprised the first eighteen chapters in this “oh shit, I spilled an entire bucket of Legos” clusterfuck of a story got left hanging. Seriously, though, just how much nothing happened in this fourth Crossfire book?

Let’s take a look at how much all of these subplots actually progressed between the first and last page of this book. Let’s go over, as I can best remember, how much actually happened in the 356 pages of this book for each subplot:

• Cary+Tatiana+Trey: Cary told Trey that Tatiana was having his baby.
• Brett, the rockstar ex-boyfriend: Brett told Eva he still has feelings for Eva. Again. Also he has a sex tape.
• Corrine: Corinne told Gideon she’s going to write a book about them.
• Christopher Vidal, Gideon’s brother who manages Brett’s band’s label: Christopher accused Gideon of trying to ruin his business and got punched in the face.
• Megumi: Megumi reappeared and revealed she was in a physically abusive relationship. Then she felt better about it.
• Mark: Mark got offered a new job and isn’t sure if he’s going to take it.
• Eva’s remarried mom and still-single dad, who just had an affair: Her dad was sad.
• Gideon’s remarried mom and stepdad: Gideon’s stepdad learned about Gideon’s childhood abuse and tried to reach out to him about it.
• Dr Anne Lucas: She revealed to Gideon that she’s trying to break him and Eva up. She walked in front of Eva once.
• The Russian Mob: Eva found out that her stepdad’s security guy has connections with the Russian mob. Gideon’s okay with it.

THAT’S IT. NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED.

Nothing actually happened for any of these. Those are the only things those subplots actually accomplished in this book. I probably spent more time writing up that summary than any one of those characters spent time being in this book. And I’m sure there are a ton more that I’ve forgotten that barely managed to progress as well.

I’m sure that all of these are just in a holding pattern until we get to the final book, but given how even the main Eva+Gideon plot of this book only managed to go from “Eva and Gideon are married, but have problems” to “Eva and Gideon are married, but have problems”, what was the point of this book?

Just kidding, we all know it was the sex swing.

We continue to go through the motions of reading, summarising and critiquing each chapter of Allegiant as though they are distinctive enough to warrant separation. Because we have to finish what we started, damn it. For the greater good.

Allegiant Chapter 35: Tobias

Tobias, employing more of this series’ famous stalling tactics, goes to check in on what’s going on back in the Chicago experiment [Matthew says: How weird is it that the premise of the entire first two books is now a STALLING TACTIC in this one?]:

I find Evelyn first—she is in the lobby of Erudite headquarters, talking in a close huddle with Therese and a factionless man, her second and third in command now that I am gone. I turn up the volume on the microphone, but I still can’t hear anything but muttering.

That’s not how math works. The absence of someone doesn’t suddenly multiply one of the remaining people. Imagine if there were two founders of a company, and one was like, “not only am I the second founder, but also the third, the fourth and the fifth because we don’t have third, fourth and fifth founders.”

[Ariel edit: CallmeIndigo has very rightfully pointed out in the comments that the inconspicuous factionless man is actually probably the third in command, not Therese. I found it very hard to believe that Tobias would have no idea who this person was if he’s suddenly now one of the leaders, but I’m thinking she’s right and that I was in so much of a rush to be doing anything else other than reading this book that I jumped to quickly at a chance to milk even the slightest bit of humor.] 

Cara, who seems to be the character now designated to wander into every scene just to make blandly observational statements of fact like, “It’s interesting you’re watching both your parents given you hate them.” So I guess she’s just being strategically deployed as another way for the narrative to just state obvious things so us common reader folk never have to do any of the hard work for ourselves! You know, hard work like realising that Tobias might have more complicated feelings about his parents than he’d like us to believe. Woah. The mental gymnastics involved with that realisation were exceedingly difficult!

Tobias and Cara notice that the Allegiant are about to attack! So Tobias, who was disgraced like an hour ago, is suddenly commanding the control room about which camera to turn on. Makes sense.

“Hey!” I shout to one of the women at the control room desks. The older one, who always gives me a nasty look when I show up, lifts her head. “Camera twenty-four! Hurry!”

She taps her screen, and everyone milling around the surveillance area gathers around her. People passing by in the hallway stop to see what’s happening, and I turn to Cara.

Nameless Control Desk Woman #1: Damn it, I don’t like this guy, but he gets results! Before he came we were just switching cameras willy-nilly. But not anymore.

Tobias sends Cara to go get the rest of their group of friends, which apparently includes Peter. Because there’s literally no reason he wouldn’t be a valued and trusted part of the team. See look:

Peter says, “Excuse me!” loud enough to make people turn around. When they see who he is, they part for him.

“What’s up?” Peter says to me when he’s closer. “What’s going on?”

What! Why would they part for him “when they see who he is”? Is he notorious for really stinky farts? That is the only justifiable reason for that kind of deference.

And I guess that one chapter where Tobias and Peter had a brief conversation was enough to establish Peter and Tobias as close personal friends?

Anyway, Cara tries to make sense of the plot and does about as good of a job as the rest of us:

“The Allegiant are the enemies of the new enemies, the factionless,”

Not to be confused with the new enemies of the old enemies (Peter?) who are the new new enemies (Nita?). [Matthew says: Why was this even worth pointing out? Aren’t the factionless everyone’s enemies by default? Do we need to wait for every other group to weigh in on whether or not they’re enemies of people who already hate them? Where do the Amity cows and wheat fields stand on this matter?]

Anyway, it looks like people from all the factions (even Amity!) are joining together to attack the factionless. In this case they’re raiding one of their weapon storehouse.

Once again, Cara tries to explain the plot:

“What’s their goal?” Caleb says.

Fuck if any of us know at this point, Caleb.

“The Allegiant are motivated by the desire to return to our original purpose in the city,” Cara says. [Matthew says: In case you forgot in the couple hundred pages since the titular group of characters were last in this story.] “Whether that means sending a group of people outside of it, as instructed by Edith Prior—which we thought was important at the time, though I’ve since learned that her instructions didn’t really matter—or reinstating the factions by force. ”

At this point their motivations are so meaningless that they could say, “They just want to live in a world where they can eat their chocolate cake in peace.” And it would have the same impact.

They continue to watch the fighting, and Tobias even spots Zeke, who was once a minor character in this series, but now he is a minor minor character who is an Allegiant who is an enemy to the new enemy – the factionless!

The chapter ends with Tobias ruminating over the fact that he (and his other friends apparently) still feel like they belong to the world they left behind.

Chapter 36: Tris

This fucking chapter IS JUST TRIS BEING TOLD WHAT HAPPENED IN THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER. In addition to simply re-iterating the previous chapter, Caleb also tells Tris she can find Tobias in the genealogy room, so she goes to find him.

With the clunky heavy-handedness we’ve come to so closely associate this series with, Tris explains to us exactly what Tobias is feeling and how it’s hard for her to comprehend:

I know that Tobias has been watching his parents on the screens, and now he is staring at their names, though there’s nothing in this room he didn’t already know. I was right to say that he was desperate, desperate for a connection to Evelyn, desperate not to be damaged, but I never thought about how those things were connected. I don’t know how it would feel, to hate your own history and to crave love from the people who gave that history to you at the same time. How have I never seen the schism inside his heart? How have I never realized before that for all the strong, kind parts of him, there are also hurting, broken parts?

Tris tells Tobias she doesn’t want to break up, and he’s happy to hear that. So Tris explains love to us:

I used to think that when people fell in love, they just landed where they landed, and they had no choice in the matter afterward. And maybe that’s true of beginnings, but it’s not true of this, now.

I fell in love with him. But I don’t just stay with him by default as if there’s no one else available to me. I stay with him because I choose to, every day that I wake up, every day that we fight or lie to each other or disappoint each other. I choose him over and over again, and he chooses me.

I have actually never once thought Tris was just staying with Four because she didn’t have any other options, like this has never even been something she or anyone else has had time to wonder between trying to figuring who is the enemy of the week. I feel like this was just chucked in to be an inspiration to teen girls everywhere, and that Veronica Roth missed an opportunity to just add in like 27 PSAs into the mix.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is, thanks so much for existing, chapter 36. You were very necessary and not at all a complete waste of anyone’s time. I learned a lot from you.

So. You’ve probably heard about this.

Holy crap.

Yep. It’s real. It’s really happening. It is out in two weeks, on June 18th. Because that’s Christian Grey’s birthday. To reiterate, it’s real. [Ariel says: But like IS the title meant to be written all in caps? Are we meant to sound eternally excited when we discuss this wondrous text?] [Matthew says: I know I’M excited to spend the next couple months constantly styling it as GREY.]

To answer a question almost as obvious as whether or not E L James was going to write this book from Christian’s perspective, yes, of course we are reading it. It’ll be our next Monday/Tuesday book, but since the book’s not out for another two weeks, we have a little bit of time to kill. And what better way to kill time than with books about a time-traveling tree house?

Yes, I am very proud to have put the two books covers that I did into this post. Very proud.

Next week we’ll be picking up whichever one sounds the most ridiculous to you guys. Vote early, vote often!

And now back to our regularly scheduled dystopian YA.

Allegiant Chapter 37: Tris

Tris shows up at David’s office for her first council meeting, thus providing the one missing thing that promised to make this book more boring: local politics. It’s so boring, Tris is already getting stoned.

I still feel a little weight in my limbs from the truth serum Cara, Caleb, and Matthew tested on me earlier, as part of our plan. They’re trying to develop a powerful truth serum, one that even GPs as serum-resistant as I am are not immune to.

Somehow a Tris-immune serum sounds like the Divergent-version of dividing by zero. I’m more nervous about the implications of a drug that not even the most special of the specials is immune to than I am about the goddamned coup happening over in the Chicago experiment. Speaking of which:

“Last night I received a frantic call from the people in our control room,” David says. “Evidently Chicago is about to erupt into violence again. Faction loyalists calling themselves the Allegiant have rebelled against factionless control, attacking weapons safe houses. What they don’t know is that Evelyn Johnson has discovered a new weapon— stores of death serum kept hidden in Erudite headquarters.”

For what feels like the 9874th time, who the hell designed this experiment? Why is this entirely procreation-focused experiment littered with instruments of death?

“The experiments are already in danger of being shut down if we cannot prove to our superiors that we are capable of controlling them.”

Maybe they doubt your ability to control the experiments because YOU PUT GUNS AND DEATH DRUGS IN THEM.

This is something like how I imagine the elevator pitch for the Chicago experiment must have gone down

David declares that this cannot happen, Tris helpfully explains that she doesn’t think David will let this happen (just in case you’re, I don’t know, reading every other sentence?), [Ariel says: It’s like Roth knows my eyes frequently glaze over] and David decides it’s time to use the memory serum virus for a mass reset against Chicago and the other three active experiments. Tris is stunned, but we then learn this isn’t exactly uncommon.

“[T]he last one in Chicago was done a few generations before yours.” He gives me an odd smile. “Why did you think there was so much physical devastation in the factionless sector?”

David decides to implement this in the next 48 hours, which conveniently sounds like just enough time for Tris and all of her friends to come up with a plan to stop it.

Everyone nods as if this is sensible.
I remember what he said to me in his office. […] I should have known, then, that he would gladly trade thousands of GD memories— lives— for control of the experiments. That he would trade them without even thinking of alternatives— without feeling like he needed to bother to save them.

Chapter 38: Tobias

Tobias and Cara are casually chatting about their top secret project to make their Tris-resistant truth serum – which hasn’t been successful thus far, which is super surprising – when Tris comes back to fill them in on the last chapter.

Cara says to Tris, “What do you intend to do about it?”
“I don’t know,” Tris says. “I feel like I don’t know what’s right anymore. […]

Really? Uhhhh didn’t the last chapter end with Tris literally saying, “I should have known that he would gladly trade thousands of lives without even thinking of alternatives?” Did I copy/paste that from a different book that didn’t have that printed four pages ago? [Ariel says: Hey, unless Tris explicitly tells us exactly what she’s thinking, we can never be sure! You’re doing too much “critical thinking”, Matthew, which isn’t what this series is all about.]

I pause. “All I can think is that this would be so much easier if we were dealing with a completely different set of people who could actually see reason.” […]
Tris’s face twists, and she touches a hand to her forehead, as if rubbing out some brief and inconvenient pain. “No,” she says. “We don’t even need to do that.”

Tris begins to form a plan to use the virus form of the memory serum “that could spread through an entire population” against the Bureau. Cara points out that erasing their memories would render them all useless. Nobody points out that this would also affect them. But whatever. One plot hole at a time.

Cara raises her eyebrows. “Wouldn’t erasing their memories also erase all of their knowledge? Thus rendering them useless?”
“I don’t know. I think there’s a way to target memories”

Why the hell not? I bet Tris knows more about these drugs than the group’s scientist does. Although she probably does, since the drug’s rules change so often. [Ariel says: What the even fuck? HOW? HOW WOULD THEY TARGET SPECIFIC MEMORIES? If you want to write a book about magic, write a book about magic. But fucking don’t be like, “Actually the magic is really science.” Because no it’s not. This is basically just as scientific as Changnesia.]

Tobias points out that Tris is maybe crossing a line here.

“Tris,” I say. “Wait. You really want to erase the memories of a whole population against their will? That’s the same thing they’re planning to do to our friends and family.” […]
“These people have no regard for human life,” she says. “They’re about to wipe the memories of all our friends and neighbors. They’re responsible for the deaths of a large majority of our old faction.” She sidesteps me and marches toward the door. “I think they’re lucky I’m not going to kill them.”

Soooo is this still “Tris is always right” Tris or is this an evolution into bad girl Tris?

Which is basically how I picture this incredibly nuanced tale being able to pull that off.

Tune in next week to find out that Tris is totally right about how memory serums work somehow!

I’m pumped to be returning to The Magic Tree House series. Don’t get me wrong Sweet Valley High provided a truly special experience, and I have no doubt we’ll be returning to that series, but it was shockingly dense for such a short book. So before diving into the corners of E.L. James’ imagination that are greedier than Eva’s cunt, let’s just enjoy some good old fashioned fun with Abe Lincoln!

Prologue

The prologue helpfully reminds us where Annie and Jack are from, that they’re brother and sister, and most importantly that they found a tree house that they quickly realized was magical and could transport them to any place or time. It’s never explicitly stated, but these are the most blasé kids in the history of the world. “Oh you mean my tree house is magical? That’s cool as shit.”

Because we’ve skipped quite far ahead to book 47, it seems like there’s quite a bit we’ve missed.

Jack and Annie have since gone on many adventures in the magic tree house and have completed many missions for both Morgan le Fay and Merlin the magician of Camelot. On some of their journeys, Jack and Annie have received help from two young enchanters, Teddy and Kathleen, who are learning magic from Merlin and Morgan.

Okay so it looks like we haven’t missed very much –

Now Teddy is in big trouble. While Merlin and Morgan were away, Teddy accidentally put a spell on Penny, Merlin’s beloved penguin. The spell turned her into a stone statue.

WHAT THE FUCK? What was Teddy thinking? What kind of spell was he even trying to cast? Where did Merlin and Morgan go? Are they a thing? Why did Merlin entrust Teddy with his penguin? Why does Merlin have a penguin? That can’t possibly be cannon!!!

So in order to prevent Teddy from being banished from the kingdom for the shocking crime of turning a pet penguin into a statue, Jack and Annie have to locate “four special things – each from a different time and place.” These four things can be used for another spell that can undo the damage caused by Teddy. I do not have a very good impression of this person, you guys. [Matthew says: For instance, what’s HE doing to help? Also, what’s Merlin doing that they have so much goddamn time to fix this? I NEED ANSWERS FOR THE PLOT HOLES IN THIS CHILDREN’S BOOK ABOUT A MAGIC, TIME-TRAVELING TREE HOUSE.]

We get a progress report on the status of this mission:

They have already found two of these things: an emerald in the shape of a rose and a white and yellow flower.

…A white and yellow flower counts as a special thing? Like they couldn’t just go to a florist in Pennsylvania in their respective time period and find this?

So now they’re just waiting to find out what they need to search for next. Which means Teddy somehow knew they needed four special objects but had no clue what those objects were? Seems legit.

Chapter 1: The Third Thing

I guess we’re not fucking around, it’s time to find the third thing, and judging by the title of this book one would assume it’s something special like Abraham Lincoln’s beard or his hat. Going by the previous two objects, though, it’s most likely to just be a leaf that the kids had to travel through time and space to find.

Annie shows up in Jack’s room a couple hours before school starts and asks if he’s ready, and they start sneaking out of the house. According to my Kindle, 16 people have highlighted this sentence:

Jack and Annie put on their jackets and shoes and stepped outside. The early-morning sky was gray. Everything was quiet, except for the sound of a gentle spring rain.

I know this is a children’s book and that gorgeous prose isn’t going to be one of its literary merits, but this strikes me as abysmally low standards. They may as well highlight any weather related sentence this series has – “The wind howled outside as the storm raged on.” “HIGHLIGHT THAT SHIT!”

The rain clears up as the kids reach the tree house. Jack is happy to see that the first two special objects are still in the tree house. I mean, I guess the emerald might be tempting to the particular breed of robber that exclusively targets magical tree houses, but I can’t imagine anyone would be interested in stealing that fucking white and yellow flower. ISN’T IT JUST A DAISY?

For some reason this next goddamn sentence was also highlighted a noteworthy amount of times:

Jack picked up the book. Its cover showed an old black-and-white photograph of a building. It looked like the White House in Washington, D.C.

So we’re just highlighting any and all basic statements at this point? “Jack was happy to be back in the tree house.” “GOD DAMN THIS IS A MASTER PIECE. HIGHLIGHT AGAIN.” [Matthew says: Somehow our little break reading a silly children’s book has turned into an observation on the bizarre way reading has turned into a social media experience in the 21st century. Bring this up at your next cocktail party!]

Jack basically jizzes himself when he realizes that the book is about Abraham Lincoln…at last.

The kids sift through some super ambiguous clues provided by those dicks Teddy and Kathleen. I’m sorry but if you want people to help you undo your fuck up, why are you providing them with riddles? When I ask my husband to do me a favour and go to the grocery store, I do not give him a riddle in lieu of a shopping list because I am not a common bridge troll. [Matthew says: Although now I kinda think that you should, Ariel.]

The third thing to break the spell is a single feather from a hero’s head. Use it wisely to give him hop – the hope he needs to heal his land.

Not only do Jack and Annie hold the fate of a pet penguin in their hands (and that asshole Teddy, I guess), but the fate of America? Those are higher stakes than 90% of the books we read on here, I’ll give them that.

Jack and Annie try to figure out what the clue means, and Annie is like, “Our missions never make any sense until the book is almost over, so just be patient Jack.”

Teddy and Kathleen also sent “a small blue bottle” with instructions to “Take a sip. Make a wish for one thing to help you on your mission. Remember: Trust the magic.”

Okay, as a rule we should not be encouraging children to drink bottles with weird inscriptions that they found left in a tree house. [Matthew says: …so why don’t they just wish for the feather?]

They point to their book, make the wish to go there and the magic tree house whisks them away.

Chapter 2: Pirate Captain

What the? But Abe Lincoln…at last. [Matthew says: More like “Abe Lincoln, Not Yet!”, am I right?]

The chapter opens with a description of Jack and Annie’s clothes, which again is being fucking highlighted by everyone and their mother.

Anyway, Annie and Jack landed really close to the White House, and they try to formulate a plan to meet Abe Lincoln at last. They get distracted when some kids notice their tree house. Apparently, the tree house belongs to these two kids? I’m so confused, is the magic tree house going undercover as another tree house? Holy shit, the magic tree house is part of the CIA!

The boy, Tad, who is whining about it being their tree house, actually clarifies and says that because the White House belongs to him and his brother and the tree house is near the White House, it must be theirs. [Matthew says: There’s some great dialogue where Jack opens the book and reads that, at the time, the White House was “considered to belong to all the citizens of the country”, and thus debates with Tad that “this tree house is not like the White House [and] it doesn’t belong to the citizens of the country”, like that one kid in the freshman dorm who’s TOTALLY going to law school and can totally get us all out of this jam, you guys.] His brother Willie is a little more reasonable, but he can’t stop Tad from doing something crazy!

Tad scrambled into the tree house. He grinned at Jack and Annie, his dark eyes gleaming. “I’m a pirate captain, and I’m taking over your ship!” Tad shook his small fists in Jack’s face. “Fight me!” he shouted.

That moment was really not worth naming a whole chapter after.

“I’m Annie. And this is my brother, Jack.”

Tad lowered his fists. “Oh! Hello, Annie, I’m Tad.” He put out his hand, and Annie shook it. “Pleased to meet you,” said Tad, completely dropping his role as pirate captain. “What are you and Jack doing today?”

…The fuck is wrong with this child?

Tad offers to get them to the president, and Jack agrees to go with him so they can get him away from the tree house and the Lincoln book. It’s a plan, I guess.

Chapter 3: Hide! Hide!

Tad and Willie lead Jack and Annie to the White House, and keep alluding unsubtly to the fact that they’re the president’s kids.

“Make way!” shouted Tad as he squeezed through the crowd. A few women squealed. Their hoopskirts rocked and swirled.

“Stop, Tad!” said Willie, grabbing his brother. “Calm yourself!”

No kidding! thought Jack. He liked Willie a lot, but Tad was too wild and unpredictable.

Slow your roll, Jack, you met both of them thirty seconds ago. [Matthew says: I like how Jack made similarly rash character analyses back in the first book, but for dinosaurs.]

Tad continues to be completely absurd, which makes him my favourite character in this book. At one point he just runs into a room and starts bashing on the piano keys. Who knows what he’s gonna do next!

Jack and Annie split up when Willie takes Annie to meet a woman (we don’t know who yet), and Tad takes Jack to meet the president.

Things take a turn for the even weirder:

“You are crazy,” Jack whispered. “Move! I’m leaving! Before we get caught!”

Suddenly Tad groaned and fell to the floor. “Tad?” said Jack.

He bent down to check on him. “Tad, are you—”

Tad grabbed Jack’s arm and pulled him to the floor, just as the dressing room door opened! “Hide! Hide!” Tad whispered. He scrambled under the big wooden bed. Jack frantically crawled after him.

Someone steps into the room BUM BUM BUMMMM.