After all that pillow-fighting foreplay, Johnny and Lisa have sex. That sentence right there would actually be a sufficient summary of this scene, but, no, we’re going to break this entire movie apart piece by piece. And that means scrutinizing this sex scene second-by-second. We’re going to suffer and we’re going to have a really fun time.
Johnny and Lisa successfully get Denny to quit cockblocking them so they can make love, as is indicated by the start of an R&B slow jam. Which we hear all of, because apparently when a song is used in a movie, you have to hear the whole thing from start-to-finish. “But wait,” first-time viewers inevitably realize in horror. “That means that for the next three and a half minutes, it’s just… It’s just…”
YEP.
Although you’re allowed to stay in denial for what is – surprisingly enough – the main problem with having a scene be as long as an entire song: very long, repetitive scenes with very questionable pacing. Johnny and Lisa basically just dance around and kiss a little bit for a full 70 seconds before someone has real clothing taken off, giving the viewer ample time to wonder if a) this is really happening right now, and b) a room could possibly scream “sex fantasy land” any louder.
There are candles, rose petals, and a lace canopy surrounding a bed with red bedsheets. Which is somehow not as weird as how there’s pretty much nothing else decorating this room.
Like you’ve probably already guessed, yes, this scene does go on forever. Turns out it’s difficult to show basically the same thing for three minutes and not just cycle through the same shit again and again. The effect is repetitive at best for most of the sex scene, and perplexing at worst when we get things like Lisa letting her hair down and then seeing it up again in the next cut.
With time stamps, to prove that (a) this was actually edited out of order, and (b) I really do have a copy of this movie because what if I want to watch it again
Lisa takes Johnny’s shirt off, which takes 11 seconds of continuous footage, which is maybe why you usually don’t try to make sex scenes last the entire song. It cuts next to a slow pan across a shirtless Johnny (just in case you’re still in denial about how you’re really about to watch a sex scene with Tommy Wiseau in it), who undoes his pants while Lisa holds a rose over him, which she drops as he goes in for another kiss. The camera pans around this again for a full 14 seconds, before suddenly showing us pretty much the exact same thing again (what else is new), but this time through one of those fake rainy windows. Because symbolism, I guess.
Anyway, now Lisa’s naked. A full one minute and fifty seconds into this first sex scene, because as art must imitate life, both must tease us with delayed gratification. I suppose. Tommy drops rose petals onto Lisa’s exposed breasts. Lisa laughs uproariously. Much like the portion of the audience that isn’t screaming.
Which might be a good time to point out that this post is NSFW.
And that, logically, I’m censoring these images with Tommy Wiseau’s face.
And then, a full two minutes and five seconds into the sex scene, the sex finally starts.
Abruptly
So you know how it somehow took two minutes of sex scene footage to get to the actual sex? Can you guess how long the actual sex parts go on for? Yeah, we’re nowhere near done yet, even though a good portion of people have probably turned off the movie by now.
Much like Rocky Horror Picture Show before it, The Room has become a midnight theater phenomenon, with fans shouting jokes at the film. This is important to point out now, because we just got to the most notable part of the scene, which I’ll simply describe with the accompanying audience chant of, “Fuck that navel!”
For obvious reasons.
Now, given how nothing in this movie makes sense anyway, there’s no real point to thinking about why this happened, but here we have it: this scene looks unquestionably like he’s fucking her belly button. It is just one of this movie’s many inscrutable mysteries, but it’s certainly one of the most awkward ones!
Johnny and Lisa continue to make the beast with two backs for the next 105 seconds (seriously), with a variety of awkward camera angles.
Like whatever is going on here.
Johnny has fallen asleep (men), and the audience gets the first hint that – despite the last painful three and a half minutes suggesting otherwise – all is not well in the Johnny-Lisa household. Or The Room-hold. Lisa looks over at Johnny with a bored expression, then rolls over and turns off the lights. And also scares the shit out of the audience due to some unfortunately placed rose petals.
OH GOD SHE’S BLEEDING. WHAT KIND OF SEX WERE THEY HAV- oh those are just rose petals oh thank god
Also worth pointing out in that last still is how Tommy Wiseau tries to act asleep but gets much closer to, say, rigor mortis.
With the light off, Lisa gives the sleeping Johnny one last, lingering, clearly displeased look before cuddling up in his arms and going to sleep. What could this mean for Johnny and Lisa? But they were so happily having sex for the last three-and-a-half minute-long montage.
Johnny wakes the next morning to his alarm clock that he keeps on the floor for some reason.
Johnny sighs, then looks over at Lisa. Fondly remembering the night before, he leaves a single rose on his pillow as he watches her peaceful slumber, before he walks across the entire room naked and gives the audience a solid six seconds of nonstop Tommy Wiseau ass.
“Matthew, you said you were censoring this, but his ass is still there!” There, now I made the joke so you don’t have to.
The entire audience is now at least on their second drink.
Tagged: Greg Sestero, Humor, Juliette Danielle, movie, the room, tommy wiseau
