Even though its release is a year away (marking my calendar for 15 Feb 2015, yo), Matt and I have been giving a lot of consideration to the scenes that we’re really really not excited to see in the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey films. We’ll provide excerpts to help jog your memory because it’s been awhile since we wrote about the books.

Ten scenes from the Fifty Shades films that we’re dreading:

10. The scene where Ana and Christian meet awkward (Fifty Shades of Grey chapter 1)

Ariel Says: I’m sure the most die-hard fans of the series will think this was a meet cute (the rom com terminology for when the romantic leads meet in an adorable fashion), but this scene was really cringy. Remember all of Ana’s awkward questions including ones about Christian’s sexuality?

• “Do you feel that you have immense power?”
• “But if you work so hard, what do you do to chill out?”
• “So you want to possess things?”
• “Are you gay, Mr. Grey?”

Worst. Interview. Ever.

Matthew says: Not to mention that Christian Grey was offended by the gay question, and not just because it was absurdly inappropriate for a professional interview. While I have some faith in Hollywood dropping the book’s homophobia (note the emphasis on “some”), I have zero hope whatsoever that Hollywood will get rid of Ana tripping into the interview.

I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet and falling headfirst into the office [...] I am on my hands and knees in the doorway to Mr Grey’s office.

She’s so quirky and clumsy and not at all clichéd! THIS IS CUTE, SHEEPLE. THIS IS CUTE.

Ariel says: And it won’t at all be the last time she’s on her hands and knees, if you catch my drift. Hyuck yuck.

Matthew says: This was actually the worst foreshadowing in the history of time.

Ariel says: This was the best foreshadowing.

9. The Discussion of the Contract That is Endlessly Negotiated but Never Actually Used

Ariel says: This plot point took up a massive amount of time in the book, but they never actually used it. It was a joke the book was even kind of in on, which just makes me angrier that we had to waste all that time on it. At least we could have seen Ana try following the contract. Instead, it’s printed multiple times in the book and supposed to be this shocking document, but in the end it’s almost pointless. Since they can’t show us the same contract on screen multiple times, I’m guessing we’ll be subjected to endless expository dialogue about it or Ana reading it aloud for some reason.

Matthew says: On the contrary, I wonder if they will show us the contract, through like a series of extreme close-ups or a montage. Oh my god, what if it’s a montage. It’ll be like wacky 80s music and Christian and Ana having wacky kinky-fuckery-mishaps in rapid succession!

Ariel says: Montages are only used for improving oneself and reminding everyone of what’s going on. That would be an insane abuse of the art of the montage. Here, let South Park’s montage song explain it better than I can:

Matthew says: This is really epic if you listen to that song and watch that gif you put just above it at the same time.

8. The awkward title-drop we all know is coming

Matthew says: Wanna know what I’m dreading most, though? The one that they will 100% try to do, even though it’s complete nonsense at a fundamental level? When they awkwardly try to work someone saying “fifty shades of grey” into the movie.

“Because he’s the romantic male lead the world deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So he’ll spank us, because we can take it. Because he’s not the hero. He’s a misogynistic, abusive, control freak we’ve romanticized as a society. My Fifty Shades of Grey.”

And just because I’d like to take the opportunity to remind everyone of this again, let’s think about what the word “shade” actually means. It means it’s a degree of something. Fifty shades of grey (or any other color) would refer to different degrees of that color along a scale as they change incrementally. They’re different degrees of one color, not varieties of colors – that’s what the other colors are for. So “fifty shades of Grey” isn’t a clever motif for how there’s so many different sides of Christian Grey because he’s such an enigmatic and complicated man. It is ironically a statement on how he’s actually a very one-dimensional character – that one dimension, of course, being misogyny – and how sometimes he’s kinda misogynistic, and sometimes he’s very misogynistic.

Ariel says: I’m going to drink every time Ana says, “My poor fifty!” I hope they have a voice-over that just has her constantly thinking her go-to phrases. “Crap! Double crap! Oh my fifty! Oh my…Jeez. TRIPLE CRAP! QUADRA CRAP! Aced.” I apologize for that really nerdy League of Legends joke. It’s been a long day.

Matthew says: Wait, actually, we call dibs on the “double/triple crap Fifty Shades of Grey movie drinking game” if no one’s said that yet. I feel like we have a certain amount of authority over this.

7. The scene where Jose sexually assaults Ana, which is then pretty much immediately dismissed forever (chapter 4)

Matthew says: Remember when there was a love triangle in Fifty Shades of Grey for about thirty pages? Probably not, because it peaked in the fourth chapter when Bella’s Ana’s long-time guy-friend BFF Jacobose who has actually been in love with her this whole time makes his move! Which involves Jose physically restraining her and trying to kiss her while she’s drunk and repeatedly saying “no”. And is also somehow racist too.

“No, Jose, stop-no.” I push him, but he’s a wall of hard muscle, and I cannot shift him. His hand has slipped into my hair, and he’s holding my head in place.
“Please, Ana, cariño,” he whispers against my lips.

But don’t worry, nothing happens, because Ana throws up and Jose is totally grossed out in this wacky misadventure!

My stomach heaves, and I double over, my body no longer able to tolerate the alcohol, and I vomit spectacularly on to the ground.
“Ugh – Dios mio, Ana!” Jose jumps back in disgust.

Ariel says: I don’t understand how no one has brought this up as a legitimate form of defense against sexual assault. The answer was right in front of us all along.

Matthew says: And then the next time Jose shows up – six chapters later, because even E L James forgets Jose is a character in this book – Ana immediately forgives him:

“Can I see you? I’m sorry about Friday night. I was drunk… and you… well. Ana – please forgive me.”
“Of course. I forgive you Jose. Just don’t do it again. You know I don’t feel like that about you.”

And then it’s never mentioned again. Boy oh boy, I can’t wait for the movie version of this scene where the story’s only non-white character sexually assaults someone and that’s the only thing his character ever does!

Ariel says: I can’t wait to see how any actress could possibly pull off this reaction to sexual assault without stopping to turn to the director to be like, “No, seriously, I am not fucking saying this line. ‘I don’t feel like that about you’, is not the appropriate response to this situation.”

6. Any scene where Ana is an English Major

Matthew says: This one is more of a personal pet peeve than one of the book’s worst offenses against literature, art, and human achievement, but given that Fifty Shades is a book (shocking, I know), the offense is on English major home turf.

Our leading lady, Anastasia Steele, is an English major. This means that any actual English major-activity she does sticks out awkwardly, whether we’re getting her deep analyses of a text she’s writing a paper on:

I work on my essay on Tess of d’Urbervilles. Damn, that woman was in the wrong place at the wrong time in the wrong century.

Or she’s taking a final exam. Which is… uncommon. To be fair, there isn’t much of it and it’s more of a weird lapse in believability (although “believable” is a problem throughout the series), but I’m mostly just hoping Hollywood doesn’t try to get… heavy-handed with this English major thing.

You know what I mean.

Ariel says: It just makes me so mad. Ana’s vocabulary pretty much consists of three phrases and yet we’re meant to believe this? And there’s that really easy go-to answer of, “Oh yeah, I like the classics.” Oh, oh you do? Do you also like Game of Thrones, chocolate, Fight Club, sex and other things that almost every fucking person ever enjoys?

Matthew says: Everybody likes the classics. That’s why they’re the classics. It’s like writing a story where your main character is a chemistry major, but all they ever say is, “Isn’t carbon the best? Carbon’s so great! Fucking carbon, you guys! CARBON.”

5. The Introduction of “Laters, baby.” (Chapter 6, but it was so dumb even WE barely mentioned it)

Ariel says: I wonder how much energy movie!Elliot is going to have to muster to say this line. I bet that’s the only way they could cast this role.

Matthew says: Honestly, I wonder how many of this book’s semi-literate fanbase is going to be pissed that Elliot was the first to say the catchphrase and think they changed it from their beloved Christian Grey.

Ariel says: We clearly have a lot of questions that only the film and time will answer.

Matthew says: And even then, probably not.

4. The Toothbrush Sharing Scene (Chapter 4 and again in chapter 20 for some reason. Also that one time in Fifty Shades Freed because why stop being gross after one book when you could do it in another.)

I eye Christian’s toothbrush. It would be like having him in my mouth … I feel the bristles on the toothbrush. They are damp … I squirt toothpaste on it and brush my teeth in double time. I feel so naughty.

Ariel says: I love how it equates having Christian’s toothbrush in her mouth to having his penis in her mouth and then almost immediately talks about the bristles on the toothbrush. I’ve never penis that has bristles on it, but Christian Grey is one unique guy.

Matthew says: Every dentist who sees this movie is actually going to kill themselves.

Ariel says: Furthermore, why’s she gotta tell us the bristles are damp? That’s just icky.

Matthew says: I could feel the gingivitis bacteria from in between his teeth wiggling around on my tongue. Holy crap.

3. The first sex scene (chapter 8)

Matthew says: Maybe it seems counter-intuitive, since what else would people be going to see Fifty Shades: The Movie for if not the sex scenes, but I’d like to once again take this opportunity to point out that this is all real dialogue from the sex scenes in Fifty Shades, ranging from the bland to the disconcerting.

• “You’re very beautiful, Anastasia Steele. I can’t wait to be inside you.”
• “I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele,” he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex. “Hard,” he whispers, and he slams into me.

Just so everyone remembers you’re paying money to go to a theater with other people to watch the same quality of dialogue you get when clicking on a random video on RedTube or something.

Ariel says: Just imagine watching this scene in a crowded theater. I dare you not to laugh. I also dare you to get an erection or a lady boner, because that would be equally funny to me.

Matthew says: Honestly? Half the theater would get aroused, half the theater would start laughing, and all of them would get very uncomfortable.

Ariel says: I feel like we’re writing the strangest math problem in the world.

Matthew says: If there is a theater audience where there are 5 women for every 3 men, and 34% of the audience is aroused by the Fifty Shades of Grey movie, and there are 48 boners in the audience, how many people are in the theater, and how long until the police arrive?

2. Every scene featuring Ana’s inner goddess or subconscious.

Ariel says: Seriously, how in the fuck are these scenes going to be handled without CGI? Or awkward peeks inside Ana’s mind where Dakota Johnson is wearing a feather boa or constantly reading Charles Dickens because EL James doesn’t know what else English majors read. “If English majors don’t have e-mail and can’t use the internet to do searches…I guess they probably read Dickens? Or Twilight? I hear that House of Night series is pretty fucking good too.”

Matthew says: Honestly, if they cut this – and I can’t believe I’m saying this – they’re losing a huge part of what makes the book unique! I’m still holding out hope for a Lizzie McGuire-esque cartoon Ana interrupting the action (hey oh!) from time to time while wearing half-moon glasses and doing the salsa and reading the complete works of Charles Dickens and shit.

I mean it makes as much sense as the rest of this bullshit.

1.The tampon scene (chapter 23)

Ariel says: Well, duh.

Matthew says: I mean, while a small part of me does hope they include this scene in the movie, that’s the selfish part of me that wants them to make the worst movie ever that will wake people up to how terrible Fifty Shades is.

He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string – what?! - and gently takes my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all … Jeez. And then he’s inside me … ah!

God, I hope this movie has voice-over narration.

Ariel adds: I’ve only just noticed that it’s specified that he does it “gently.” I definitely hope that’s captured in the film because it means at some point the director had to say to Jamie Dornan, “Okay, that’s great, Jamie, but this time I need it to be gentler. We need the tampon insterter to come back on set and replace Dakota’s tampon. Yup, okay great, from the top, people! We’ll do this until the tampon removal is gentle as fuck.”

Matthew says: Speaking of “gentle as fuck”, in contrast, when he takes her virginity, he rams into her as hard as he can. This is a character who thinks, “Sweet! A virgin! Better just shove it in there real fast!”, but also thinks, “Gotta take out this tampon reeeeeal delicate-like. I wouldn’t want to hurt her!”

And one we’re really excited about.

Two words: divine orange juice. If they try to cut this scene out, I will cut someone.

So excited, in fact, we made a mug about it.

What scenes are you guys dreading in being in the first movie? Did we miss any gems? Talk about it in the comments!