Bad Classified Ads, Good Times

Today we have our second ever guest post from a stranger on the internet Bad Books, Good Times regular reader! E. H. Taylor wrote us a series of classified ads – BBGT style! Hopefully you enjoy her riffing as much as we did as she tears apart every book we’ve read on this blog with fantastic efficiency! Except for Hush, Hush. Nobody remembers what happened in Hush, Hush.

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Hello everyone!

I’m E.H. Taylor and you may recognize me from the comments section. It’s final exam time for me and I have many ways to procrastinate doing anything productive; this time around led to this guest post! I’m very excited to add my bit to BBGT and can’t wait to see what you all make of it.

Fifty Shades of Grey

MISSING
Inner Goddess.
May appear if offered divine orange juice.

MALE DOMINANT LOOKING FOR FEMALE SUBMISSIVE
Must be willing to: sign a contract that will never be used, be given snide looks by every woman alive, put chicken sexily into the fridge, have tampon removed by dominant, have your every move dictated and monitored, never talk to another male ever again.

HELP NEEDED
University student who doesn’t use a computer or know what email is.
Currently failing all courses.

BROKEN CRAP SCALE
Crap. Double Crap. Triple Crap. Holy Crap.
Crap on a stick.

NOW HIRING
Actor/actress to play the part of all secondary characters.
Must have no defining characteristics.

WANTED
New toothbrush.

[Matthew couldn't help but add this next one:]

PUBLISHING HOUSE SEEKING NEW HEAD EDITOR
No experience necessary.

The Host

BODIES WANTED
Peaceful Souls in need of bodies to inhabit so they may ‘experience’… something or other. Must be willing to lose your entire identity and have no control over your body.
Planet will be taken over, but it’s really for the best.

MISSING
Cow-sized spider.
Super stealthy and possibly carrying an alien species.

MALE LOOKING FOR TWO FEMALES IN ONE BODY
Hosts to nonviolent alien species who like to take over planets are preferred.
Also accepted: Conjoined twins and Voldemort.

FREE CAVE TOURS
Experience the magic that is Uncle Jeb’s Cave Tours again, and again, and again!
Don’t forget to buy your travel mug and take the fun with you everywhere!
*Minimum of three tours must be taken.

WANTED
Jelly Dragons

Bared to You

TORMENTED MALE IN NEED OF TORMENTED FEMALE
Looking to start a healthy dysfunctional relationship.

LOOKING FOR A GOOD TIME
Bisexual playing up to the stereotype of being promiscuous.
Orgies for everyone!

VIOLENTLY ATTACKING PEOPLE IN YOUR SLEEP?
10/10 Doctors recommend therapy.

BEWARE
Couple having sex of questionable consent that makes everyone uncomfortable. Could be spotted going at it in elevators or at concerts.

WANTED
Brain Bleach.

GOOSEBUMPS

FOR SALE
Evil camera that makes bad things happen. Warning: People will not believe the camera is evil. Do not take someone’s picture to prove that it works.

ASSIGNMENT NEEDED
Willing to pay for someone to come up with a believable story about what happened over summer vacation. Cannot involve cameras.

WANTED
Pants that fit.

House of Night

FEMALE WILLING TO GIVE
Looking for male who is willing to receive grilled cheese and blowjobs.

REFRIGERATOR NEEDED
Vampyres in need of willing blood source for unnecessary rituals. May be turned away if Vampyres decide drinking blood is weird.

MATURE-FOR-HER-AGE TEEN
Enjoys: discussing poopie, boobies, and judging people in a totally nonjudgmental way.

ME-UF
Me-eeh-uf-me-eef-uf-snort. Me-eeh-of-ow.

MISSING PLOT
Might be found in one of twelve books.

WANTED
A thesaurus.

Beautiful/Walking Disaster

MISSING
Greyish pigeon with no remarkable characteristics.
Occasionally answers to the name Abby.
Last seen wearing a cardigan.

NOW HIRING
Mobster looking for new bodyguards.
Must carry guns and be more intimidating than a college student without a weapon.

SECRET FIGHT AT HELLERTON
Fighting and possible murder.
Remember, it’s a secret!

FOR SALE
Puppy in need of love and attention.
Must be willing to take care of him for more than a page.

WANTED
New roommate.