Hi, everyone. Ariel here. I know we make a lot of jokes on this blog, and good times are had by all. It isn’t all fun and games, though. Sometimes chapters like these come along, and you can’t just unread their contents. TRIGGER WARNINGS: UNDERAGE VAMPYRE SEX. ZOEY REDBIRD HAVING SEX. ZOEY REDBIRD HAVING UNDERAGE VAMPYRE SEX WITH THE VAMPYRE POET LOREAT WHO IS GROSS AND HAS AWFUL DIALOGUE.

Basically it’s the moment a handful of you have been waiting for since we started reading these books.

House of Night, Chosen Chapter 22

I forgot last chapter ended with the ~mystery~ of whether Erik was dying or not. I won’t leave you hanging with a bunch of will he or won’t he:

I turned back to Erik, but before I could pull him into my arms Aphrodite’s voice cut through thenoise of his moans and the sounds of the frightened, watching crowd of kids.

“Zoey, he’s not dying.” I looked up at her, not really getting what she was saying. She grabbed myarm and pulled me away from Erik. I started to struggle, but her next words got through to me andmade me freeze. “Listen to me! He’s not dying. He’s Changing.”

[…]

Aphrodite was right. Erik was Changing into an adult vampyre.

What? ERIK is evolving! If Zoey just pressed the B button hard enough she could have prolonged it for a couple more chapters at least.

I can’t believe there was a point when I thought my whole post wound basically hinge around this moment. Little did I know. Such innocent times.

Neferet rushes in because she’s been told Erik is dying. Surprise! He’s okay, and has rapidly undergone vampyre puberty, which apparently happens over a thirty second span of time. Neferet tells Erik that now that he’s done transforming, he should reveal his changes to everyone.

Erik stood up and raised his head. I gasped along with everyone else. His face was luminous. It seemed someone had turned a switch on inside him. He’d been handsome before, but now everything was intensified. His eyes were bluer, his thick hair was wild and black and dangerous, he even appeared taller. And his Mark had been completed. The sapphire crescent was filled in. And framing his eyes, along his brows and over his well-defined cheekbones, was a stunning pattern of interlocking knots that formed the shape of a mask, reminding me instantly of Professor Nolan’s beautiful Mark. 

If only human puberty was like this. Erik briefly experienced some pain and then was just sexier than ever and had more tattoos! Simple as that.

Erik’s gaze touched mine for a moment. His full lips tilted up and he smiled a special smile just for me. I thought my heart would burst. Then he raised his arms over his head and cried out in a voice filled with power and pure joy, “I’ve Changed!”

I’m sure his heart was in the right place, but I wish he would have refrained. Can you even imagine this situation? Even if someone specifically evolved into an adult vampyre in front of your eyes, I can’t begin to believe there would be a reaction to someone shouting, “I’ve Changed!” that wasn’t a sarcastic slow clap. I don’t care if the “Change” has a capital C, it’s still ridiculous.

But then everyone starts cheering! Unbelievable. These kids are worse than The Students Without Netflix right now.

Neferet and the other adult vampyres sweep Erik away to do adult vampyre things.

“They’ll take him to be anointed into the service of the Goddess,” Aphrodite said. She was still standing beside me and her voice sounded as bleak as I suddenly felt. “Fledglings don’t know exactly what happens during the anointing. It’s a big vamp secret, and they’re not allowed to tell.” She shrugged. “Whatever. Guess we’ll find out some day.”

I bet you anything it’s just another circle being cast. You girls aren’t missing out.

Zoey’s terrible friends have terrible reactions:

“Hey, Z! Was that cool or what?” Jack said.

“Man, it was incredible. I’m still reeling!” Damien fanned himself and his large vocabulary.

“Oh, baby! Now Erik Night joins the other vamp hotties like Brandon Routh, Josh Hartnett, and JakeGyllenhaal.”

It’s unbearable how much I hate these guys.

Damien informs everyone that once a fledging becomes an adult vampyre they are sent off into the real adult vampyre world, which is not an awful reality show (or is it?). This raises some serious questions. What is the point of these kids going to school at all if as soon as they transform into an adult (with no prior warning) they just leave the school! Can you ever even officially graduate from House of Night? Is it just a holding pen until the fledglings randomly undergo the transformation? I just can’t believe that essay Erik was probably working on means nothing.

None of these questions are answered, instead Zoey’s friends tell her that she and Erik can do long distance. I wish this meant Erik was going away, never to be heard from again, but unfortunately I already know this is not the end of his tenure.

Zoey tells her friends she needs alone time, and shoes them out of the Great Hall or wherever the heck the ritual just took place. Zoey breaks down because she’s hurting from the time Stevie Rae died/undied, and this made all those memories come flooding back. This is basically the siren’s call for predatory professors:

“I could feel that you needed me,” Loren said.

NOOOOOOOOOO.

“When Erik Changed you thought he was dying, didn’t you?”

I nodded, scared that if I said anything I’d start bawling again.

Loren’s jaw clenched and unclenched. “I’ve told Aphrodite over and over that all fledglings, and not just fifth and sixth formers, should be aware of how the Change manifests in the final stage so that they’re not frightened if they witness it.”

Why is he getting catty about Aphrodite? “Damn that Aphrodite! I told her a million times the thing she remembered I told her!” She’s exactly who informed Zoey that Erik was evolving. Also this just gives me even more unanswered, pressing questions like are there any seventh or eighth formers who aren’t dying but just can’t seem to evolve either? Are they basically like Matthew Mcconaughey from Dazed and Confused?

We get some more crucial information about Changing:

“Does it hurt as bad as it looks like it does?”

“It is painful, but it’s a good pain—if that makes sense. Think of it like sore muscles after you’veworked out. They hurt, but it’s not a bad hurt.”

“Looked like a lot more than sore muscles,” I said.

“It’s not that bad—more shocking than painful actually. Sensations rush into your body and everything becomes hypersensitive.”

Oooh pointless and inconsequential!

Loren tries to cosy up to Zoey and find out what other things are bothering her, and when Zoey hesitates, it’s time for Loren’s penis to step in.

“I’ll show you how much we can share … how completely we can be together,” he said.

Loren took the hand he was fisting in my hair and pulled at his shirt so that the buttons popped, exposing his chest. Then he drew his thumbnail slowly over his left breast, leaving behind a line of perfect scarlet. The scent of his blood wrapped around me.”Drink,” he said.

I couldn’t stop myself. I lowered my face to his chest and tasted him. His blood surged through me. It was different than Heath’s— not as hot, not as rich. But it was more powerful. It pounded through me, along with a desire that was red and urgent. I moved against his body, wanting more and more.

“Now it’s my turn. I have to taste you!” Loren said.

No! Stop! It’s nobody’s turn. But everyone ignored my pleas, and Zoey lets Loren drink from her as well. This can only end poorly.

Then it happened. His heartbeat was under my skin and I could feel my pulse pounding in time withhis. I could feel his passion along with mine and hear his desire roaring inside my head.

And then, somewhere in the back of my jumbled mind I heard Heath screaming, “Zoey! No!”

I never though I’d live to see the day when Heath and I were shouting the exact same thing.

My body jerked in Loren’s arms. “Ssh,” he whispered. “It’s okay. It’s better this way, love, muchbetter. Being Imprinted with a human is too difficult—it has too many ramifications.”

My breath was coming fast and hard. “Is it broken? Has my Imprint with Heath been broken?”

“It has. Our Imprint has replaced it.” He rolled so that I was under his body. “Now let’s finish it. Let me make love to you, baby.”

Against all odds, Zoey says yes to this horrible, terrible proposal.

“Yes,” I whispered. My lips found Loren’s chest again, and as I drank from him, Loren made love to me until our world exploded in blood and passion.

Are you hearing those awful alarm bells going off in your house too? I’m cheating because I read ahead, but when I read this chapter I KNEW SOMETHING ELSE BESIDES THE OBVIOUS WAS AMISS. Can you guess what it is? What do you think Loren’s motives are besides some sweet fledgling poontang? I also know some of you have also read ahead SO IT’S NOT FAIR IF YOU GUESS, but I won’t stop you because I love when people comment on my posts. But I may have some stern words for you.