While searching the internet for shitty dating advice, I happened on a review of a dating book called The Tao of Badass, which may potentially be terrible enough to feature on this blog someday. For now, though, this installation is simply on the hilarious review of the book, but in the future I’m planning on writing about an article I found on the Tao’s website about passing a woman’s congruence test (seriously, it’s ridiculous). I feel like I’ve stumbled into a special cess pool of the internet through finding this book review, and the deeper I go, the more gloriously shitty advice I find.
The pitch:
So maybe you’re skeptical about this dating book for men which assures readers that it’ll teach them how to get hot, sexy babes to date them (and more importantly, sleep with them). Don’t worry, though, this review immediately appeals to a man’s desperate desire to fuck hot women and the sad reality of this desire:
If you’re a typical young man, you probably are dissatisfied with your current sex life. Do any of these statements describe you?
- You have a crush on a girl and she has friend zoned you or she doesn’t even know that you exist.
- You don’t have much sex with attractive women.
- Most girls are not interested in you.
- You’re not satisfied with the quality of your sex life and you want to date hotter or more women.
Let me guess, you probably agreed with at least one of those statements.
I’m a woman, so I can’t really speak to this, but do most guys really feel this crippling insecurity and experience an abysmal lack of anything sexual that doesn’t involve their own hand? And Jesus MOST girls aren’t interested in you AND you don’t have much sex with attractive women? Double whammy.
After pouring salt on the wound that is deflated penises everywhere, the reviewer gives hope! Men, you’ve been taught all wrong (as we have read before). Why the fuck are you being nice to women? Don’t you know we only want jackasses?
Young men all over have grown up being taught that they need to be romantic, nice, and non-threatening. In reality, this approach falls flat in its face. Women want a confident man who is not afraid to lead and be sexually aggressive. The average nice guy expects the women to make the move. If the average nice guy does make a move, it is done awkwardly and in a desperate manner.
Just read one of our blog posts on the Crossfire or Fifty Shades series to know that women want sexually aggressive men. This guy has a point! If you’re a nice guy, there’s no way you can confidentially hit on a woman. Haven’t you heard of mutual exclusivity? Duh-doy.
But how can you escape the cycle of awkward-lame-guyness?
The Tao of Badass claims that it can help teach you how to meet and attract women. The product covers all aspects of an interaction, from approaching the girl, to kissing her, and to taking the interaction to the bedroom. This product includes everything you need to go from a virgin who’s never touched a girl to a guy who has a massive number of options in dating.
He fails to mention that women are brainless dopes who can’t tell when a man isn’t being his genuine self and is following some guide from a dude who calls himself the Tao of Badass. We dumb, y’all! You’ll notice “all aspects of interaction” ends with getting the girl to the bedroom, because that’s it! Mission successful! Your penis has officially become the key to our vagina.
Major selling points of the book:
If the reviewer’s sweeping generalizations about men’s sex lives (or lack thereof) and his sharp observations about what women want aren’t enough to convince folks to buy this book, then it’s time to bring out the big guns. What can the Tao and his badassery offer readers? Examples include “How to become confident,” “How to Approach Girls and Get Them to Approach You,” and “How to Get a Girl to Like You By Building Attraction.” I guess you don’t just build attraction by having a genuine connection and chemistry but instead by following a strict guide on when to touch her and when to be a dick?
The product goes over aspect of creating attraction, from how to hold eye contact to what you should say in a conversation.
Conversations also follow a strict script, just in case you were worried about having to think of your own things to say.
But does it work????
Well, it fucking does is all I have to say. Here’s the evidence:
Here’s what I did. I called a friend of mine, for privacy purposes let’s call him Mike.
Because if he called him Brian or Kyle we could have easily figured out who he was. Well played, sir.
I’ve known Mike for 4 years, and he has only dated one girl during the time we’ve known each other. She was unattractive and bitchy, definitely not girlfriend material.
Fuck that ugly, rude bitch! If only Mike had some sort of guidance, this kind of thing never would have happened to the poor guy.
Mike got friend zoned by most of the girls he knew. Basically Mike had a non-existent dating life.
I didn’t sign up for this, you guys. This is so fucking emotional. Miiiiiike! NooOoOoo! Please, God, tell me The Tao helped him or I’ll never believe you exist.
I decided to download a copy of the Tao of Badass and send it to Mike. I told Mike that I would give him 100$ [author's note: why the fuck is the dollar sign after the money? seriously! I didn't put that there!] if he followed the program to the word for a whole week. I went out with him to a bar to watch how he used the material. The first night, he used the Tao of Badass to approach a few girls. He was chatting to one gorgeous blonde who absolutely loved Mike and his new-found confidence. Mike took her number. Mike called me up 4 days later. He told me that he and she had gone on a date with that girl and he had slept with her. He and the girl were now dating.
Holy mother of tap dancing Christ, you guys. I’m a straight woman and I WANT TO BUY THIS BOOK AND START CHATTING UP WOMEN. Why? Because with The Tao of Badass, I clearly can. I mean, you read Mike’s story. Not only did Mike fuck the shit out of this blonde babe and probably cum on her tits (I’m reading between the lines because I was an English major God damn it), HE STARTED DATING HER!! If this book could help a useless lug like Mike, anyone can benefit from this piece of heavenly scripture.
Final evidence:
Tao of Badass took a guy who had dated 1 ugly girl in the last 4 years and transformed him into a guy who’s dating a gorgeous and smart girl within a week. If that isn’t a testament to how mind-blowingly powerful this program is then you need to check if you are gay or not.
You heard it. If you’re not convinced by Mike’s story, you are obviously gay. If that doesn’t seal the deal for you, I’m not sure what ever will.
This book is only $47 dollars. And it gets a girl to sleep with you in a week! Think of how much it would cost you to get a prostitute, and I think it’s pretty safe to say that this book is an investment. Teach a man to hire prostitutes, and he simply continues to pay for sex, but if you teach a man how to seduce a woman systematically, he can save so much fucking money!
Also, in case any of you are still questioning how dependable whoever wrote this review is (seriously, can’t find a name anywhere on Only Dating Tips, whatever), you should know that there are tons of pictures of scantily clad women on this article. I wouldn’t trust anyone who couldn’t paste images of hot women into their dating articles, and neither should you! This shit is legit.
