Chapter 9

Having just learned that Aphrodite is having a vision of Zoey’s grandmother dying, Zoey demands to know what’s going on. [Ariel says: Lady be getting old, is all.] During her vision, Aphrodite is uncharacteristically unnerved and dependent on Zoey to keep her calm. She spurts out snippets of her vision – a bridge, a fire, some little boys in a car – before suddenly her vision is over and the Casts decide, “Nah, let’s just get it over with.”

“The bridge her car’s on collapses and she crashes into the river and drowns,” she said flatly.

As absurdly exaggerated as Aphrodite’s sudden shift from vulnerable to bitch stereotype is, you should take a moment to appreciate how this actually objectively makes her this novel’s character with the most depth, because we’ve now seen her have two emotions.

Apparently the Casts haven’t seen the “three” episode of Sesame Street yet.

Zoey wants to go to Neferet for help. Aphrodite doesn’t want to take her vision to Neferet, and will refuse to tell Zoey any more of her vision if she does.

It’s like this scene, except not interesting.

Zoey reluctantly asks Aphrodite what she does want in return for her help.

“I just want you to listen to me so that you know that Nyx hasn’t abandoned me.”

Wow, that was surprisingly deep! Maybe there’s going to be some nuance to this story after a-

“And I want you to owe me.”

Oh, okay, back to this, I see. [Ariel says: They were so close to counting to three.] 

“Someday you’re going to be a powerful High Priestess, more powerful even than Neferet. Someday I may need protection, and that’s when you owing me will come in handy.”

This does have interesting implications that Aphrodite knows way more about what’s really going on that Zoey or the reader does. I wonder if we’ll find out sometime in the next ten novels. [Ariel says: It's annoying, though, that this interesting and tactical decision is again based simply on the fact that Zoey is Super Speshul. Come on Aphrodite, I thought I could count on you.] Aphrodite wants Zoey to make a vampyre promise, because when vampyres make a promise it is binding. Obviously.

“If you tell me how to save my grandma I give you my word that I will owe you a favor.”
“Of my choice,” she said slyly.
“Yeah, whatever.”

Wow, Zoey, you could maybe have thought this one through for more than two seconds. This is pretty obviously a trap. Zoey even noticed that she did this “slyly”! How much more of a red flag do you need? Could you imagine (say it with me!) if other novels were written this way?

• “I was studying in the restricted section when I came across a term I didn’t understand. I believe it was called a ‘horcrux’.” Tom Riddle said evilly.
• “My name is Tyler Durden,” Tyler said unreliably.
• “They’ve got you too!” Winston cried.
  “They got me a long time ago,” said O’Brien plot-twistingly.

“But we saw the knife! The witch!” Lucy exclaimed.
“If the witch knew the true meaning of sacrifice, she might have interpreted the deep magic differently,” Aslan said allegorically.

[Ariel says: At least so far the Casts have yet to write "I'm gay," Damien said gayly. "And I'm black!" Shaunee said blackly. Though they have come really close.] 

Now that Zoey has agreed to owe Aphrodite an unspecified favor of her choosing that vampyre magic will force her to do (great job, Zoey), Aphrodite explains the details of her vision. Aphrodite determines what turnpike the accident takes place on, but can’t specify what bridge. Aphrodite determines a time, but is only pretty sure it’ll take place that afternoon. Aphrodite tries to figure out what caused the accident in the first place, but has nothing. Good job making that unbreakable promise to help Aphrodite with literally anything in the future for this great intel, Zoey.

Zoey realizes that she can’t just tell her grandma to stay away from the bridge, because the accident will still happen, meaning everyone else Aphrodite saw dying in her vision will still die. Zoey points this out to Aphrodite, who doesn’t care.

“So you’re just going to let the rest of those people die?”
“What do you care? Your grandma’s going to be okay.”
“You make me sick, Aphrodite. Do you care about anyone but yourself?”
“Whatever, Zoey. Like you’re so perfect? I didn’t hear you caring about anyone else except your grandma.”

Um, she… literally just did care about people other than her grandma? That’s why you’re having this conversation at all? [Ariel says: How did Zoey suddenly start looking like the better one in this conversation? Everything I believed has been turned on its head right now.] 

“You know, having crappy parents isn’t an excuse to be heartless,” I said. [...]
“What would you know about it?”

Zoey tells Aphrodite that she has had parent issues since her mom remarried three years ago. Aphrodite tells Zoey, uh, that’s not even the same thing at all why are you talking?

“Try eighteen years of a lot more than just ‘pain-in-the-ass parent issues’ and maybe you’ll start to get something about it. Until then, you don’t know shit.” Then, like the old Ahprodite I knew and couldn’t stand, she slipped her hair and stalked away, wiggling her narrow butt like I cared.

…I got nothing. [Ariel says: This scene would be a lot more interesting if Zoey did care about the wiggling of Aphrodite's narrow butt.]

Zoey pulls out her cell phone to call her grandma, but first goes on a quick tangent about Heath and how she accidentally imprinted him, to remind us that that’s still a subplot, I guess. Zoey tells her grandma not to get in her car today, and she reassures Zoey that she has confidence she can stop the accident from happening. I was going to write something like “I totally bet that will work out well”, except, well, we are only 30% through this book and it’s not like it has any narrative structure anyway, so it’s entirely possible this first thing that actually looks like a plot will get resolved in the next chapter or two, which is somehow worse.

Given Trabby has been in a, er, “stable” relationship for more than five minutes, it’s time for them to get married. This would be like if you started jogging around your neighborhood once a week and then thought you were ready to be in the Olympics based on the fact that you hadn’t sprained your ankle yet.

Epilogue

If you thought that Jamie McGuire had omitted the wedding from Walking Disaster because it was already in Beautiful Disaster, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but you’ll have to buy Wedding Disaster to read that mysterious missing scene. What was that? Sorry I’ve just been informed that the book is actually called A Beautiful Wedding, but that can’t possibly…oh it is.

McGuire really missed an opportunity there for a hilariously accurate title.

Also, I have to say I feel really cheated that my epilogue is what Matt’s chapter was last week. His epilogue, which you’ll get to see tomorrow, goes well into the future and reveals absurd and hilarious details about what happens to Trabby. [Matthew says: I feel cheated that I had to read a longer story. Nobody wins.] I guess the only defense for my book is that at least if you only read Beautiful Disaster you could imagine a more realistic future for Trabby where they end up divorced and Abby gets a restraining order on Travis. [Matthew says: In a way, I almost admire how little writing McGuire did to get three books out of this story. It's very thrifty! Unless you're buying them, of course.]

The epilogue starts with Abby on the phone with America, and America proceeds to bitch her out for having a wedding without her present. I can’t blame Trabby too much for this, I wouldn’t want America at my wedding either. The absolute weirdest part about all this is that Abby chooses to answer the phone whilst getting a tattoo instead of waiting until she’s not in pain and being told to sit very still so the tattoo artist doesn’t mess up. [Matthew says: What? Ariel, you don't get this? I always call people when I'm preoccupied with other things that could cause me to make involuntary noises, like jogging, or lifting, or slamming my head into a table because I'm reading the books I read for this blog.]

America tells Abby the whole situation is crazy, and as much as I hate to agree with America I’m inclined to say she’s 100% right. But Abby does have a pretty stellar defense:

 “It’s not that crazy . We love each other. We have been practically living together on and off all year. Why not?”

Yeah! And like I said before, they’ve been in relationship for about five minutes without fighting! It doesn’t matter that they only weren’t fighting each other because they were fighting for their lives, it’s good enough, damn it.

“Because you’re nineteen, you idiot! Because you ran off and didn’t tell anyone, and because I’m not there!” she cried.

Somehow America has missed most of the reasons this is actually a bad idea, which is genuinely hard to accomplish as there are so many genuinely bad reasons for this. [Matthew says: Good thing she remembered one of the irrelevant reasons, like "because she wasn't invited".]

Just for shits and giggles and because I haven’t done a poll in awhile, what does Abby get tattooed on her?

It’s MRS. MADDOX. All caps, yo. I hate when my tattoo artist forgets to turn off capslock, it’s so unprofessional.

I looked around the room at the shiny chrome and posters of sample tattoos on the wall and then back down to my stomach. My new last name shined in thick, elegant black letters.

Wait, she got the tattoo on her stomach in “thick black letters”? I thought she had it on her hip or something, but this is bizarre. [Matthew says: What's really bizarre is that in Walking Disaster, Travis never mentions WHAT ABBY'S TATTOO SAYS. For someone he loves with such a burning passion, you'd think he'd maybe pay attention to the permanent markings she makes on her body.]

Travis pulled out his wallet, signing the receipt quickly before leading me by the hand to the cab waiting outside. My cell phone rang again, and when I saw that it was America, I let it ring.

Why the fuck didn’t you let it ring while you were getting the tattoo, Abby? Also, Jesus Christ, America, fuck off.

Travis continues to call Abby, “Mrs. Maddox,” which uncomfortably brings me back to when Ana and Christian got married in Fifty Shades and wouldn’t stop referring to each other this way. My nausea is unbearable. I wanted to insert an Arrested Development gif here of Buster saying “our nausea” but just doesn’t seem to exist. I hope many of you get the reference and share my nausea. [Matthew says: Our nausea.]

America calls again, and Travis answers this time saying something along the lines of, “I answer her phone now ’cause I’m her husband.” I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and take this as a joke because I’ve almost made it to the end and what happens next at the airport is way funnier:

I followed him through the hallways, up escalators, and past lines of security. When Travis walked through the metal detector, a loud buzzer went off. When the airport guard asked Travis to remove his ring, his face turned severe.
“I’ll hold onto it, sir,” the officer said. “It will only be for a moment.”
“I promised her I’d never take it off,” Travis said through his teeth.

I was genuinely expecting Travis to beat-up the airport guard just so he didn’t have to take his fucking ring off. I’m pretty sure that kind of promise is allowed to be temporarily “broken” for airport security. [Matthew says: Goddammit, all I want is for Travis to get arrested. Is that too much to ask for?]

The officer held out his palm; patience and amused understanding wrinkled the thin skin around his eyes.

Why is everyone always so moved or delighted or affectionately amused by Trabby’s romance in this book? [Matthew says: I guess it makes sense that the old security guard doesn't have Instant Netflix.] Does this book take place in the same universe as The Host where everyone has been taken over by boring and clueless aliens? The only hole in that theory is that the aliens hate violence and would most definitely need to neutralize Travis, but still. It’s the only explanation.

Travis begrudgingly removed his ring, slammed it into the guard’s hand, and then sighed when he walked through the doorway. He didn’t set off the alarm, but he was still annoyed.

It’s always sexy when a man gets angry about absurd bullshit. Always marry a man like this, as every woman is after someone they have to walk on eggshells around.

On the plane, Travis expresses that he feels like Abby’s going to get sick of him and leave, so they have a pointless conversation about how she’s his and is never going to leave him. You know the drill, McGuire just copy/pasted the same convo over again.

Other passengers began to walk around us, however slowly, watching and listening to our ridiculous conversation. As before, I was glaringly aware of prying eyes, but this time was different. The only thing I could think about was the peace returning to Travis’s eyes.

HAHAHAHA WHAT?!?! So you’re telling me NO ONE HAS NETFLIX IN THIS WHOLE WORLD! Seriously, the only explanation is that this is the same world as The Host because they came in and made television boring, so when the aliens began invading Earth, they were fascinated by Trabby. [Matthew says: Or that they're on a plane. But that's barely an excuse. That's why we have (good) books.] Meanwhile, Trabby is so caught up in their own bullshit, they fail to notice the aliens are slowly taking over everyone around them. The aliens, realizing that Travis and Abby are complete morons and no threat, decide to leave them alone. Also, none of the aliens want anything to do with any of their memories. Okay, now this all makes a lot more sense to me. IT IS A WORLD WITHOUT NETFLIX.

The book ends with a massively stupid joke about betting on their marriage, a clear attempt to be cute by McGuire. Oh, remember how this all started with a contrived bet? Well let’s have the whole book end with a lame joke about betting on their marriage! Well I for one would have wagered everything against this marriage, but knowing what I know about the epilogue in Matt’s post, I know I would have somehow lost everything.

It’s a big day, readers! Today we finish our parallel reading of Jamie McGuire’s college romance novels that Ariel and I have been referring to as “The Disasters”. Ariel finished Beautiful Disaster yesterday, but while writing the parallel novel, Walking Disaster, McGuire clearly realized she left out an important part: the epilogue that takes place years in the future!

We’d have no closure if we didn’t know that Ron got fat.

As you might know, there is another entry in this series covering Travis and Abby’s wedding, a novella titled A Beautiful Wedding (yet not, unfortunately, Wedding Disaster). Yes, we will read it, but we’re gonna take a break from these characters for a little while. [Ariel says: Mental health is a priority here at BBGT, and unfortunately we often push ourselves to the brink.] We have another series we’ve been on break from that we’re planning on wrapping up next – but with a surprise twist! Ariel will be reading one thing, and I’ll be reading another thing, and we’re gonna see how similar their portrayals of an emotionally abusive relationship are, even though they were written almost 300 years apart.

I know! You’re all going “Whaaaaa? I need to know what this surprise is now!” But before that surprise, we have another surprise for you! We’re going to spend the next two weeks reading something else as a sort of palate cleanser before we dive into another story about an abusive relationship that doesn’t realize it’s about an abusive relationship. Something not “bad”, but rather “kinda dumb in retrospect”. Think like when we read Goosebumps. But it’s not Goosebumps. START SPECULATING WILDLY. Okay, let’s see how this crap ends.

Epilogue

In order to introduce us to a terrifying world in which Travis is a fully-functioning adult, McGuire comes up with this:

The walls dripped with rainwater from the streets above. The droplets plopped down into deepening puddles, as if they were crying for him, the bastard lying in the middle of the basement in a pool of his own blood. [...] Both of my Glocks were pointed in opposite directions, holding Benny’s men in place until the rest of my team arrived.

Holy shit, this is going to be awful! [Ariel says: Wait...Benny from Vegas Benny? Seriously?] 

Pictured: a more convincing imitation of the hardboiled detective trope.

Thomas waited for me [...] his khaki coat and hair drenched form the storm. “You did what you had to do,” he said, following me to the car.” [...] the end of [Benny's] interrogation was supposed to result in his arrest, not his death. [...] it just took Benny speaking her name for that to happen.

Hahahaha what the fuuuuuck! Is Jamie McGuire actually a fourteen year old boy? Dual-wielding Glocks? World-wearied cop dialogue? Rain? Everything about this is priceless! I was laughing so hard when I read this on the subway that I must have gotten funny looks. Didn’t seem them, though. I was laughing my ass off at this epilogue.

Basically, we see that in the future, 1) Travis kills Benny, which is terrifying, [Ariel says: Whew, thank God he didn't go to work for him all those years ago.] 2) Travis has a job where he has guns and interrogates people, which is terrifying, 3) Travis has now literally murdered a dude just for saying Abby’s name (remember back when he just used to bash their heads into cars?), which is terrifying, and 4) this means Travis is actually the one who works for law enforcement, which is terrifying. We’re not just glorifying an emotionally abusive male romantic lead with a childish, violent temper anymore – we’re celebrating it. Which is… one way to handle not having any character development in your book, I guess. [Ariel says: I seriously can't believe the "It just took Benny speaking her name for that to happen" line. I mean I can and can't believe it. WHO GAVE TRAVIS A BADGE, DAMN IT!] How the fuck did we even get here?

[Thomas] practically raised me, but I didn’t truly know him until I was recruited by the FBI.

Okay, this isn’t helping this make more sense. [Ariel says: I'm surprised that Travis didn't take another chance to clarify that by "raised me" he meant "beat the shit out of me and somehow turned me into a prized fighter."] [Matthew adds: I know! There's verisimilitude to consider!]

When Thomas left for college, I thought he was studying advertising, and later he told us he was an advertising executive in California. He was so far away, it was easy for him to keep his cover.

Also the fact that he is one of Travis’s four interchangeably nondescript brothers. That was also a pretty good cover for this twist that this guy who said maybe one line of dialogue that any other character could have said actually worked for the FBI the whole time. It’s so obvious now. [Ariel says: Frankly, I'm embarrassed you didn't see it coming.] [Matthew adds: There were all those clues, like when Thomas had that one line of dialogue in the whole book.]

The second I graduated with a degree in criminal justice, it just made sense for the FBI to contact me.

“Oh, dang! This guy has a bachelor’s degree in criminal justice! We need this guy!”

[Ariel says: By this logic, every English major should have been contacted by Penguin. That actually is pretty much what happened to Ana in Fifty Shades so I guess it makes sense.]

No, seriously, this might be the most hilariously stupid line I’ve read in a book for this blog. It “just made sense” for the FBI to reach out to Travis. Did it now? Nepotism from a minor character (who was an FBI agent the whole time) aside, this isn’t remotely believable. The book even acknowledges how stupid this is in the same paragraph, and just sort of rolls with it anyway.

It never occurred to me or Abby that they had thousands of applications a year, and didn’t make a habit of recruiting.

Oh, okay! Well, as long as you say this unbelievable thing isn’t usually how things work, I guess that’s totally okay! Can you imagine if other books were written this way?

• It never occurred to Gregor Samsa that people usually don’t turn into monstrous vermin.
• It never occurred to the Career Tributes that to try to get Katniss out of the tree they could use their swords and axes to chop down the tree, or set fire to it with the fire they already have right there like literally right there.
• It never occurred to Anastasia that you cannot walk into an American bank and withdraw five million dollars. Oh wait, this was how Fifty Shades ended.

Travis and Thomas wax poetic all undercover agent-y (In the rain? Check. Smoking cigarettes? Check.) about the failed mission, talk about how Thomas is after Mick next (who is Abby’s father, so, uh, maybe we could get a little more detail about this?), and Travis leaves to go home. [Ariel says: Seriously, is McGuire trying to set this up for FBI Disaster?] He calls Abby, so we can see what Travis is up to during the part of his happy romantic ending where he isn’t needlessly murdering people. Abby tells him that their son James beat her at poker (James, of course, has inherited Abby’s gift for playing poker, because that’s how genetics work) [Ariel says: Wait but has he stolen her luck yet?], which she was playing with him to get him to open up about something that happened at school.

“There’s a kid at school. Made a comment about me today.”
“Not the first time a boy made a pass at the hot math teacher.”

Well, at least Abby’s doing something other than being pregnant. Travis gets to kill people for a living, Abby gets to be hot, what else do these two characters really need out of life? I just finished reading this book and I’m struggling to think of any other character traits they have. [Ariel says: I barely remembered that they studied criminal law and math, so I think you're coming out ahead.] [Matthew adds: I barely remembered that they studied.]  Abby then explains that their daughter, Jessica, was the one who got into a fight with the kid. Travis tells us that Jessica “had an equally bad tempter and never wasted time with words”, which is great, because before I read this epilogue I would have just assumed Travis would be a terrible father, but now I know!

Knowing my family was waiting for me was brutal, but the fact that is was my and Abby’s eleventh anniversary made it even worse. [...] Every anniversary was a victory, a middle finger to everyone who thought we wouldn’t last.

…which is an interesting philosophy for when you’re taking your love story seriously. [Ariel says: I feel personally targeted by this middle finger.]

Abby tamed me, marriage settled me down, and when I became a father, my entire outlook changed.

Exactly, like that time he violently shot a man to death for not actually posing a threat to Abby! So different from his old outlook! Now he carries a gun!

I stared down at my wrist and pulled back my cuff. Abby’s nickname was still there, and it still made me feel better knowing it was there. [Ariel says: Where did he think the nickname had gone? It's a fucking tattoo.] 

Holy shit! Guys! This is the first time Travis referred to his “Pigeon” tattoo as Abby’s nickname and not her name! Maybe he did change!

There was only one problem: Abby knew I worked with Thomas… but as far as I knew, she thought I worked in advertising.

HAHA NEVERMIND

SO TRAVIS HAS LIED TO ABBY ABOUT WHAT HE DOES FOR A LIVING FOR ELEVEN YEARS? THIS IS OUR HAPPY ENDING? Travis has changed so much from the violent, emotionally abusive person he was in college that he’s now an FBI agent that kills people when his temper runs short and lies to the love of his life about his job? It’s like McGuire is trying to make their marriage look terrible. McGuire, that is my job.

“What’s this?” I asked, feigning confusion. Abby still had a flawless poker face. “It’s the connection you need to tie Mick to Benny.”

Wait, so Abby has also known that Travis is secretly an FBI agent and lying to her about it, and is helping him get her father arrested for something that he apparently did? Does any of this epilogue mean anything? This epilogue has more plot twists than the rest of the book. [Ariel says: I wonder if when we get a book from Thomas' perspective it will answer all of these questions.]

Ugh. Let’s just end this already. How’s this shit end?

Even though we’d put each other through hell, we’d found heaven.

And lest we forget, plot puppy ends the novel how plot puppy lived in the novel: completely forgotten. [Ariel says: I'm going to believe Kara adopted him and they lived happily ever after.] [Matthew adds: Someone had to.]

Last night I took a cat to the vet to have a tick removed from its neck, and that experience was less painful than this story.

Matthew says: Incidentally, this month’s Red Hot Read has also reminded me how goddamn much I hate The Big Bang Theory.

This month’s Red Hot Read is from a book called Bittersweet by Miranda Beverly-Whittemore and, despite the sentence above, it’s not terribly written. It also actually includes some red-hot content. (There was much rejoicing.) Before you stop thinking this is a comedy blog, though, let me dive in—it’s still pretty shitty.

When my eyes opened that first morning in the cottage they called Bittersweet…

I can think of a couple things that are bittersweet: chocolate chips for baking, dark chocolate, coffee with one of those milk chocolate spoons melted into it, and Kara getting to keep the Plot Puppy from Beautiful Disaster but never getting to kill Travis or Abby. I cannot, however, see how any cottage at all should be named Bittersweet. [Matthew says: I also feel it's important to add that Kara adopting Plot Puppy isn't canon and basically a lie BBGT chooses to believe in, which is probably also bittersweet. And weird.] [Ariel says: Whatever helps us sleep, amiright?] I feel like Beverly-Whittemore wrote this book with the title in mind and then, once the book was done, realized that she had written a cheerful erotic novel rather than an angst-ridden book set in high school. Instead of renaming her book, she just slapped the damn title onto the cottage and called it a day. How lazy.

Out the window, I could see a nuthatch hopping up and down the trunk of a red pine, chirping. The Vermont air was cool, and I was alone.

Later in this story, we’re going to find out that our narrator’s window is closed. Obviously she drilled a hole in a wall at night in order to feel how cold the Vermont air was in the morning. [Ariel says: You know what kind of crap we read on here, when I believed for a second that this was actually the case.] 

Our narrator (who I just found out is named Mabel by actually reading the synopsis at the top of the page) [Matthew says: Mabel is one of those names that - through no fault of the story's - always ruins suspension of disbelief for me because of this.] goes on to describe how the cottage isn’t shabby and gross like she thought it was when she arrived the night before.

But I understood now, as I took in the shining brass beds in the morning, the crisp cotton duvet covers, and the faint smell of coffee wafting up from the kitchen, that this was a quiet place, a country place, a place of baguettes and spreadable honeycomb, idyllic and sun-drenched…

From this paragraph (which was good in theory!) I’ve learned that my home can either be shabby or it can be in the country, where the “scent of mildew” is written off as idyllic and quiet.

Ev’s bed, the twin of my own, lay empty under the opposite window, rumpled sheets cast aside.

This description is really dramatic. It’s as if I was trying to tell people that, at this moment, I stopped writing this post to go to bed because I’m tired and have to wake up before 6 am to be at work by 7, but instead I said, “Closed, my laptop was a crumpled husk, cast aside as I ventured upstairs to find sleep, that elusive mistress of the night.”

I felt a hint of desire.

Let me point out that all I omitted in between the last quote and this one was Mabel’s surprise that Ev was up prior to 10 am (can we talk about the name “Ev”?) [Matthew says: I was about to! It sounds like quirky teen name that a quirky teen would give themselves, like "Tris" or... "Jil!". Yeah, I ran out of examples really fast. You're probably all gonna have to google who the fuck "Jil!" is.] and Mabel trying to fall back asleep. I guess rumpled sheets cast aside meant something more dramatic for Mabel, too. Like sex. [Matthew says: Yes, more importantly, she felt desire from what?][Ariel says: Need I remind you she only felt a hint of desire. 

And so I (shyly, bravely) put my hand down between my legs and felt myself grow wet.

GUYS THIS IS IT. THIS IS THE RED-HOT CONTENT WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING TWO LONG MONTHS FOR (For which we have all been waiting two long months. Sorry). [Matthew says: I'M SO CONFUSED. WHY ARE WE MASTURBATING RIGHT NOW? WHAT BROUGHT US TO THIS MOMENT?] [Ariel says: THE HINT OF DESIRE FOR THE RUMPLED SHEETS!]

Soon my fingers were buried deep, and I was in another world.

For some reason, all I can imagine with the phrase “buried deep” is a squirrel nestling its way inside my vagina.

I tried to remember to listen. But there were always a few moments in which even I could not be cautious enough to subdivide my mind.

“Even I?” Is Mabel an expert at “subdividing” her mind during sexual encounters? This makes me feel like she’s looking at me and saying, “If I couldn’t subdivide my mind, what chance do you have?” I don’t know, Mabel. Maybe if there wasn’t a squirrel burrowing inside my hoo-ha, I’d be able to focus on other things!

…I felt the particular sensation of being watched… There, framed by wood and glass, was the face of a man.

See? The window is closed.

Oh, and someone is watching her masturbate. [Matthew says: This isn't red hot at all. I've seen this scene in tons of horror movies.] [Ariel says: I'm sorry when did this turn into Black Swan?]

I screamed. He ducked. I covered my whole self with the quilt. I laughed, horrified, nearly suffocating under the duvet.

I would be horrified too, if I was so bad at pulling the covers of a bed over myself that I nearly suffocated. [Matthew says: Yes, but you've forgotten that the sheets are rumpled and cast aside, the twin of my own, which was empty against the opposite window, Ev's window. It sounds really complicated.] I wouldn’t be laughing, though. I also definitely wouldn’t be laughing if a stranger had just caught me masturbating and then I tried to pull the covers of my bed over myself and ended up suffocating instead of just hiding.

Mabel gets dressed with “nun-like modesty” before Ev finally returns to the room, smelling like “a child who’d been playing in the forest…” Can I ask how a child playing in the forest smells different than an adult playing in the forest? Can Mabel smell mischief and innocence? Is that another one of her talents, other than subdividing her mind? [Ariel says: It's a bittersweet talent.] 

Ev offers to cook breakfast for Mabel, and there’s an awfully long description of the kitchen. I’m skipping it.

“Galway said he met you this morning,” Ev mentioned, casually…”He’s pretty awkward…Was he awful to you?”

“No, not awful. He just caught me masturbating in what was probably someone’s childhood bed and then almost killed me by forcing me to pull the duvet over myself. Ev, you know I can’t pull the duvet over myself without suffocating!”

But Mabel doesn’t say that. She just asks Ev a question and we find out that “Galway” is Ev’s brother. [Matthew says: Who the fuck is naming these children? I bet their parents are named like "Aardvark" and "Diaspora" or some shit.] Then there’s some more exposition that all leads up to this glorious closing line:

Even then, I was glad I’d come.

GET SOME, MABEL.

Matthew says: So I guess read it maybe?

In case you wondered if Tommy Wiseau adding three separate Claudette subplots in the last scene that don’t actually have anything to do with the plot was going to be a regular kind of thing, the next scene begins with two characters we’ve never seen before sneaking into Johnny’s apartment.

Accompanied by… jaunty music…

We’re given no clues who these people are. Are they robbers?

Who-The-Fuck-Is-This #1: How much time do we have?
Who-The-Fuck-Is-This #2: I dunno. A couple hours, at least.

Dang. Sounds like it could be robbers! Maybe their body language will provide some visual clues who these people are!

Okay, maybe not robbers? Also, spoons.

Who-The-Fuck-Is-This #1 (aka Lady Who-The-Fuck-Is-This) pulls Who-The-Fuck-Is-This #2 (aka Lance Bass?) over to the couch and announces that it is time to have some fun. #2 painstakingly opens a box of chocolates and delivers this line:

You have no idea how long I’ve tried to work this gif into a post without success.

This doesn’t quite convey it though. Who-The-Fuck-Is-This #2 is played by one of the worst actors in this movie. To his credit, he does seem to get more than his fair share of Tommy Wiseau’s more incomprehensible lines of dialogue, but he still manages to stumble through everything. Try reading that line yourself. Go ahead, make sure no one’s around first. Just see how it feels on the tongue. “Did you know that chocolate is the symbol of love?” You probably read it a lot like that, right? Well, this is more like how it’s actually delivered in the movie:

Who-The-Fuck-Is-This #2: Did you, uh, know… that… chocolate… is the symbol… of love?

…do you know that? You sound really uncertain, Lance Bass.

More uncomfortable than #2′s inability to deliver a line is what actually happens in this scene, where #1 and #2 start shoving chocolate into each others’ mouths. And then making out.

Making this week’s screenshots look even more like low-budget porn than usual.

As you may have gathered from the previous three sex scenes, this goes on entirely longer than necessary.

It would be one thing if the reaction to this scene was “WE GET IT. THEY’RE SEXILY EATING CHOCOLATE.”, but regardless of your thoughts on food-in-foreplay, this scene… doesn’t really capture it.

I’ll just let this screenshot speak for itself.

And let us not forget the sexy sex noises.

Who-The-Fuck-Is-This #1: YUM.
Who-The-Fuck-Is-This #2: (mouth full of food) It’s delicious!

Yes. Lady Who-The-Fuck-Is-This loudly moans, “Yum”, as Lance Bass eats the chocolate off of her chest, in much the same way that people in real porn exaggeratedly say obviously fake things.

#1 pushes the now-shirtless #2 back onto the couch, says “Chocolate is a symbol of love” (You don’t have to pretend, #1. Even Lance Bass knew it didn’t sound convincing.), puts chocolate into his mouth and makes out with him (again), and then BAM. BLOW JOB SCENE.

So how ridiculous does this scene seem so far? Like on a scale from 1-10? Hopefully you didn’t jump the gun and say “TEN. IT’S A GODDAMN TEN.” already, because OH MY GOD THESE BLOW JOB FACES.

Naturally, he goes through this entire range of faces before the blow job even starts. Or he came in the four seconds where Michelle’s head moved off screen. Who the fuck are these people? Why are they hooking up in Johnny’s apartment? Why are we supposed to care? After a quick shot of San Francisco (in case you forgot this movie takes place in San Francisco), Lisa and Claudette come back. Finally! Time for some answers!

We are now depending on these two to make the movie make MORE sense. Chaos reigns in this film.

Lisa laughs at the awkward situation, whereas Claudette says what might be the single most unintentionally appropriate line in the movie:

Claudette: What are these characters doing here?

Lisa explains that these are her friends Michelle and Mike (oh, now we get to know), who come to the apartment to do their “homework” (…now we know?), to which Claudette disdainfully responds, “What homework?” Lisa might be totally okay with her friends breaking into her apartment and banging there, but Claudette doesn’t take any such crap. Lisa introduces Mike and Michelle to her mother, and Mike extends his arm. After awkwardly stumbling through his very difficult line (“It’s a pleasure to meet you.”), Claudette rolls her eyes and goes “Hmph.”

Clearly Claudette is more of a Backstreet Boys fan.

After Mike and Michelle awkwardly leave, Claudette goes over to the couch and reminds us that she is a woman:

Claudette: All that shopping wore me out!

Suddenly Denny shows up.

I mean “suddenly”. He literally just runs onto the set like ten seconds after Michelle and Mike leave.

Lisa introduces Claudette to Denny. Claudette continues to be too old for this shit.

Claudette: How many people come in and out of this apartment every day? This is worse than Grand Central Station!

Denny shrugs and says he just needs to borrow some sugar. Lisa tells him he can have some. Denny then says he needs a cup of flour and half a stick of butter. Dude, Denny, at this point, you clearly just need to go to a grocery store. Thankfully, Claudette continues to criticize the film’s shortcomings for some reason.

Claudette: Doesn’t your home have a kitchen?

Man, Claudette isn’t taking any shit from Denny, Mike, Michelle, her brother, her ex-husband, or breast cancer. Claudette is a boss, you guys.

Claudette, seen here not taking your shit.

Denny says he’ll just come back later and leaves. Why doesn’t he just go to a grocery store then? Clearly he’s in no rush and this isn’t a “oh shit, I already started cooking and I forgot to see if I have sugar, flour, and half a stick of butter first” situation. Why come back to keep mooching?

After Denny leaves, Claudette asks Lisa what Denny does. Oh my god! Claudette is really calling this movie out on not making any sense! It’s kind of ironic since she introduced three immediately-abandoned subplots in a single minute in the last scene, but whatevs we might finally understand the mystery of Denny.

Lisa: Johnny wanted to adopt Denny.

…Isn’t Denny, like, thirty? Fuck. There goes Denny making sense.

Lisa: It’s really tragedy how many kids out there don’t have parents.

Except isn’t Denny, like, thirty? (And no, not a typo. Lisa actually says “It’s really tragedy”.)

Lisa: When Denny turned eighteen-

How fucking old is Denny?

Lisa: -Johnny found him a little apartment here in this building and he’s paying for it until he graduates from school. Johnny really loves Denny, even though he doesn’t say it much. He’s like a father figure to him. I told you, Mom, Johnny is very caring about the people in his life.

…so that’s why Lisa is falsely accusing Johnny of domestic abuse and cheating on him with his best friend? Hasn’t Claudette been telling Lisa this? Hasn’t Lisa been telling Claudette that Johnny “is not the man you think he is”? Did Tommy Wiseau just forget what Lisa’s character motivation is because he needed someone to praise his character in this scene?

Before we worry about this contradiction too much further, Mike runs back into the room to grab his “book”. Claudette immediately sees through Mike’s ruse as he tries to sneakily grab his boxers that he only just realized he left behind somehow, grabbing them out of his hands and holding them up to ask, “What’s this?”

Claudette, knowing all. Except what boxers are.

Mike grabs it back and runs away while Lisa and Claudette laugh their asses off. Claudette says she has to go home (although she’s been there for… two minutes?), taps Lisa on the nose, says bye-bye, and then gets up to leave as, um, a dramatic minor key piano chord plays. Lisa flops back onto the couch, looks around the room, and grumbles, “Oh my God.” Apparently something dramatic happened in this scene.

I usually write the little “what happened last week in too-many-plotsville” thing from memory at the beginning of each post, but this time I had to suffer re-reading the end of chapter nine because I seriously had no idea. But oh yeah, Zoey’s grandma is apparently in grave danger, and we know this thanks to Aphrodite’s vision. [Matthew says: Place bets on how long this will be the plot for! One chapter? TWO chapters?]

Chapter 10 

“So why can’t we tell Neferet about this mess? All she’d have to do is make a few calls, like she did last month when Aphrodite had a vision about that plane going down at the Denver airport,” Damien said, careful to keep his voice low.

This is one of the few times Damien has just been allowed to have a normal, sensible line without it being about him being gay.

Also, he’s completely right. If it’s that easy to prevent impending doom, like just with a phone call, then why wasn’t Zoey’s phone call to her grandmother in the last chapter enough? Or a phone call from any other person/vampyre aside from Neferet? Obviously Damien isn’t aware they Zoey’s gut has been preventing her from going to Neferet for help, so his plan is pretty sensible. [Matthew says: Well, Zoey's concern isn't just her grandmother's life, but trying to stop any accident from happening on the bridge at all, so - can't believe I'm writing this - I'm on Zoey's side here.]

The gang speculates on whether they can trust Aphrodite and whether she might be either fabricating the whole thing or withholding crucial information. As with everything else in this series, the issue is simply put to rest by Zoey saying that everyone just needs to trust her intuition. Zoey’s gut somehow has become more of a character than the twins. Not that this is very hard to achieve, but I thought it was worth pointing out. [Matthew says: Double the characters, half the character!] In fact, Zoey’s gut may be an even bigger Mary-Sue than she is. It gets nothing wrong!

The conversation shifts to discussing how they can prevent anyone from dying on the bridge of disasters. Aphrodite’s vision wasn’t clear enough to show exactly what happens to the bridge, so Zoey and her friends decide to call in a bomb threat. I have to say when I was trying to guess what would happen in this book, this was not on the top of my list. [Matthew says: My list of House of Night 2: Vampyre Boogaloo predictions went something like, 1) boy drama, 2) poopie, 3) Damien's sexual orientation.]

Now, all that’s left is to find a disposable phone – oh, Damien has one… wait, there can’t possibly be a way to tie his having a disposable phone to him being gay, right?

“Here”—Damien pulled a big dorky looking Nokia out of his pocket—”use mine.”
“Why do you have a disposable?” I studied the phone. It looked fairly normal.
“I got it after my parents freaked about me being gay. Until I was Marked and came here it felt like they were grounding me for life from life. I mean, not that I really expected them to lock me in a closet somewhere, but it’s good to be prepared. Since then I’ve made sure I always have one.”
None of us knew what to say. It really sucked that Damien’s parents were so psycho about him being gay.

WHAT DOES HAVING A DISPOSABLE PHONE HAVE TO DO WITH THIS?! It was like the Casts felt so awful about giving Damien one normal line that they had to immediately find any possible fucking ridiculous way to remind us. Even if you could possibly believe why he had one before he came to House of Night, why would he STILL have this in his pocket right this very minute? New low, Casts, new low. [Matthew says: Even if you believe that he just carries around this emergency secret cell phone in case his parents lock him in a closet even though he no longer lives with his parents (which I'm pretty sure the BBGT consensus is "we don't"), if they're going through the trouble of taking away his regular cell phone, they're probably not going to overlook cell phone #2: cellular booga- okay, I have no idea where these Electric Boogaloo jokes keep coming from today.]

But who they gonna call? Hint, the answer is sadly not Ghost Busters!

Damien said quickly. “We don’t want any kind of computer trail. You just need to call the local branch of the FBI. That’ll be in the phone book. They’ll do whatever it is they do when freaks call.”

If Travis Maddox shows up to this crime scene, no one will be safe. No one.

Also, is there really a local FBI branch in the phone book? This seems completely impossible, but the Casts couldn’t possibly make up something that dumb? I would normally just take the time to Google this, but I need to go very very shortly and can’t be asked. [Matthew says: Also you don't want to leave any kind of computer trail.]

Suddenly, Neferet shows up and says detectives are here to talk to Zoey. They begin interrogating her about the two missing boys and also about Heath and Kayla for some reason. [Matthew says: At least they're not like the detectives from Hush, Hush who only interrogate the teen girl main character about the love triangle. They're doing two things!] Zoey recounts the last book for us because the Casts got bored of the other plot and decided to just tell us about the old ones again. The end of the chapter has this happen, and I guess it’s supposed to be a twist?

“And how about this, Miss Redbird? Have you ever seen this before?” He handed me the bag and I realized what was in it. It was a silver pendant on a long black velvet ribbon. The pendant was in the shape of two crescent moons back-to-back against a full moon encrusted with garnets. It was the symbol of the triple Goddess—mother, maiden, and crone. I had one just like it because it was the necklace that the leader of the Dark Daughters.

OH MA GERRRRD. Gasp shock horror! Arrest her immediately!!

Yeah, you read that title right. Get ready for some goddamn excitement. [Ariel says: I can't get over the contrast between our titles from this week. We go from bomb threats to Starbucks no big deal.] 

Chapter 11

Zoey is currently in the middle of her interrogation from local detectives about the disappearance of the local high school football players, because it was more dramatic to split up the chapters like that.

“Where did you get this?” Neferet asked. I could tell she was trying to keep her voice under control, but there was a powerful, angry edge to it that was impossible to hide.
“This necklace was found near Chris Ford’s body.”

“It’s the leadership pendant of the Dark Daughters. [...] I’m its leader.”
“I-I don’t have it with me. It’s in my room.”

How very convenient that Zoey doesn’t have this necklace that has apparently been mentioned previously! Seriously, does anybody remember this necklace? [Ariel raises her hand sheepishly: I ish-remember. Sort of like I had a nightmare about reading this book and that necklace was mentioned, that kind of half-remembering feeling. Does that count?] I realize we do a lot of paraphrasing and sometimes we miss things, especially in books like House of Night where there are a million insignificant details and it’s impossible to tell which are important because fucking nothing is actually progressing the plot. But that’s not really saying much, because the Casts spend so much more time telling us that Damien is gay or that Zoey likes Count Chocula or some shit that I remember those details but not this apparently important one.

Whereas I remember Dwight likes Count Chocula after a single reference because it was funny and memorable, which the Casts don’t get how to do either.

[Ariel says: Speaking of Damien, I just read an interview with the Damien who clearly inspired this Damien from the movie which clearly "helped" (if you can help something against your will) inspire this shitty series - Mean Girls! For some reason he wasn't asked how it felt to have his character completely ripped off by this series.]

Neferet asks if Zoey is being accused of his death. The detectives say they’re just trying to get information, but admit that it does look like a vampyre attack because the body was drained of blood. Neferet comes up with another explanation that the boy was drunk and fell into the river and was cut up and drained of blood by rocks or also coyotes maybe I dunno, which apparently counts as an also plausible explanation. The detectives then ask where Zoey was between 8 and 10pm and Neferet is like “uh, at vampyre school, which goes from 8pm to 3am”. God, human detectives! Is this amateur hour?

They also ask to speak with Loren Blake. Neferet says that Loren went to their East Coast school yesterday before dawn, and will be back in a few days. Zoey, however, realizes that Neferet is lying because Loren was with her yesterday before dawn! She also freaks out a bit at the mention of Loren’s name, but fuck off, Zoey; there’s actual plot happening right now. [Ariel says: Neferet totes did it. Or someone we've never heard of who will be revealed in a thrilling "twist" later.] 

Zoey has trouble sleeping that night, dreading her plan to call in a fake bomb threat to try to stop the bridge accident from happening. She’s also haunted by the football players’ suspicious deaths, and tries to understand how a Dark Daughters leadership necklace could have gotten there.

Aphrodite couldn’t stand humans, but to me that didn’t equate to kidnapping and killing a very built football player who couldn’t exactly be hidden in her lovely Coach purse.

Who couldn’t… what? What does that sentence even mean? I don’t understand the flow of logic for why someone would put a football player in a purse that he presumably could not ever fit in, nor why we still need to establish Aphrodite’s rich, spoiled character at this point. It doesn’t make a lick of sense and the reference is completely unnecessary anyway. Could you imagine if other books were written like this?

• Draco didn’t like muggles, but that didn’t equate to kidnapping and killing a muggle who couldn’t exactly pour paint on his state-of-the-art Nimbus 2001 broomstick.
• Katniss didn’t like the Capitol, but that didn’t equate to kidnapping and killing a citizen who couldn’t exactly wear her revolutionary Mockingjay pin like a top hat.
• Duckie didn’t like whatever James Spader’s character’s name was in Pretty In Pink, but that didn’t equate to kidnapping and killing a rich kid who couldn’t exactly do calculus with Duckie’s beaten-up Converse.

Or whatever’s going on here.

Zoey also “suddenly wanted Erik to hurry and get back to school”, and notes that “I’d been so busy lately that I hadn’t actually had time to miss him”, which I’m pretty sure we noticed. [Ariel says: Right, if you substitute the word "busy" with "obsessed with Loren" that sentence is actually accurate.] 

Zoey tries counting sheep to get to sleep. Yes, the book goes into fucking detail about this. Not what’s up with the dead kids turning into vampyres, or the plot, but you can be sure we get a few dozen words about Zoey counting “Sleep sheep… hee hee.” Somewhat satisfyingly (for me), this goes about as badly as it possibly could for a person, as it turns into a nightmare where Zoey sees Loren Blake killing the sheep. [Ariel says: I am not one who normally finds anything even resembling violence against animals to be funny, but for some reason this is hands down the funniest thing in the chapter. I mean what the fuck?] 

Zoey gives up and decides to just go out into town by herself, which it turns out she’s allowed to do so long as she hides her mark. This gives us some baffling new rules on vampyre science (vampyre fledglings cannot be physically apart from adult vampyres for too long or they’ll die, which is conveniently explained with “not even today’s cutting-edge science completely understood it”) [Ariel says: Coincidentally, not even today's cutting-edge bloggers understand it either], but it also gives us this genuinely nice moment where we get to see a glimpse of how Zoey’s emotional and mental health is doing given all the changes in her life.

I needed to feel normal again – normal as in pre-Marked Zoey, when my biggest worry was geometry class and the only “power” I had was the eerie ability to find cute shoes on sale.

…mostly genuinely nice. [Ariel says: Nice try, Zoey. I'm pretty sure you told us once you made friends you started to feel normal again and it seems like you're way happier in this life than the other one. Try again.] 

Zoey decides to go shopping for some new clothes, describing her fashion sense as “‘weird’ and ‘out there’ because I liked to shop in the chic midtown stores versus the loud, boring, food court-smelling mall.” Therefore, this is the first place she goes to:

pretty soon the familiar smells and sights of American Eagle were working their retail magic on me

Is this a Colbert Report sketch? This is like saying you only like artsy, indie films, and then saying your favorite movies are Star Wars and Titanic. [Ariel says: I personally only like indie music like Justin Bieber, so I don't understand what you're trying to imply by criticizing Zoey and the Casts' views on what isn't mainstream.] 

Zoey then goes to Starbucks [Ariel says: The indiest of coffee shops. I refuse to make a real basic bitch joke here, but just know I didn't miss the opportunity because of an oversight. Those jokes just need to fucking die]. She gets a cappuccino. She specifies that it is yummy, just in case you dare to have opinions of your own, you fucking prole. Suddenly she sees Heath and the chapter ends, which is awesome, because Ariel has to write about it. Have fun, buddy! [Ariel says: Dude, your chapter was all about fucking American Eagle and Starbucks, I welcome the chance to make fun of Heath. My fingers are crossed more of his text messages are featured. You know what? Balls to the walls, I hope Loren shows up too! I can take it.] 

If you’re anything like Matt and me, sometimes as much as we love mocking books like Fifty Shades or Beautiful/Walking Disaster, we need a bit of a palate cleanser before starting the next truly awful series, as Matt so eloquently put it when we were discussing the BBGT calendar. [Matthew says: I'm all about being fancy.] It’s hard to imagine our lives post The Disasters. But at least we have Wedding Disaster  (I refuse to refer to it as anything else) to one day “look forward” to.

Anyway, in the past we’ve had a lot of fun writing about the Goosebumps books on Halloween, so we thought we’d tackle another beloved series from our childhoods – The Magic Tree House books!

Where did the tree house come from? Before Jack and Annie can find out, the mysterious tree house whisks them to the prehistoric past. Now they have to figure out how to get home. Can they do it before dark… or will they become a dinosaur’s dinner?

I think my favorite part of the summary is the implication that if they somehow manage to make it home before dark that’s the only way they’ll avoid being eaten by a dinosaur. It’d be like if  I said, “Will I catch the bus home on time tonight… or will I get hit by a car?”

Chapter 1: Into The Woods

We open with a shot of Jack and Annie looking adorable and carefree. Little do they know they’ll soon be racing the clock to get home before dark (and becoming a dinosaur’s dinner obviously) thanks to magical treehouse with questionable motives. Seriously, I wouldn’t leave my kids alone with this treehouse.

Annie starts pretending that a monster is after her and Jack as they head home together. Jack is having none of this because he’s eight and a half and Annie’s seven, so he’s not dicking around anymore. [Matthew says: The actual line in the book is "Jack was eight and a half. He liked real things." Wait until you learn what rent in New York City is, Jack. Then let's see how much you like real things.]

For some reason, Annie races into a nearby forest, ignoring Jack’s protests. We’re only a page into the book, and they already find the treehouse – like Jack, Mary Pope Osborne isn’t fucking around.

“Come here!” called Annie.
There she was. Standing under a tall oak tree. “Look,” she said. She was pointing at a rope ladder.
The longest rope ladder Jack had ever seen.

And Jack had seen some fucking long rope ladder in his time. Jack is just your usual jaded, grizzled eight year old boy.

He expresses suspicion over who built this treehouse, and I have to say, seriously good call, Jack. This sounds like the makings of a horror movie now that I’m reading this with adult eyes. Here we are teaching kids not to take candy from strangers, but why aren’t we teaching them to avoid random treehouses hidden in a forest? [Matthew says: Jack makes an understandably big deal about how this treehouse has appeared out of nowhere, but their mom shows up later to call them down from the treehouse, which she is apparently much less concerned about.]

Annie climbs what is allegedly the largest tree in the world in about two seconds and insists Jack join her just for a minute. One minute you’re just climbing a mysterious, ominous treehouse and the next you’re running from dinosaurs. Kids never learn.

Jack is a sensible guy, so how is Annie going to get him to climb the tree? By telling him the treehouse is full of books! Well, if it’s not candy up there, I guess it’s perfectly safe.

Chapter 2: The Monster

Wow. The treehouse was filled with books. Books everywhere. Very old books with dusty covers. New books with shiny, bright covers.

This description makes E.L. James look like a master of her craft. I know this is a children’s book, but that is a piss poor description.

What kind of fascinating book do you think Jack is going to pick out of the pile?

“Here’s a book about Pennsylvania,” said Jack.

I get that the kids live in Pennsylvania, and they’re excited that the town they live in is mentioned in this book, but he may as well have said, “Here’s a book about wallpaper.” I can say that because I grew up in PA and then went to college in another part of PA, and let me tell you, I would never start a sentence with, “Here’s a book about Pennsylvania.”

Okay, luckily, the kids do spot books about dinosaurs and knights, and this intrigues them. Jack tries to resist the call of the books because they don’t know who these books belong to.

Jack opened the dinosaur book to where the bookmark was. He couldn’t help himself.

Oh my! I didn’t realize these books would be so titillating.

[Matthew says: Jack looks at the book, sees a picture of a Pteranodon, touches the picture, and says he wishes he could see one for real. This will become important later. Actually. There's not a whole lot to keep track of, here.]

What happens next baffles me. They look out the window and see this:

But the thing is, they’re not in prehistoric times yet; they’re transported right after this happens. DA FUQ?

Chapter 3: Where Is Here?

[Matthew says: Let's all take a moment to put ourselves in the shoes of someone in this book's intended age group reading that chapter title, and just imagine how fucking deep it must be.]

Annie and Jack try to wrap their heads around what just happened. Jack wished to see the dinosaur in the book and now suddenly here they are. [Matthew says: It's a good thing they didn't pick up a copy of, like, 1984 or something.]

Annie decides to go talk to the dinosaur to try to figure out what’s happening because apparently that’s the best plan they can come up with. They’re young, so I’ll let this one slide.

That’s all that happens in this chapter. That dinosaur looks like it’s two seconds away from chowing into Annie. Tune in tomorrow to find out if he does! Hint: he doesn’t, but seriously, look at his face.

I hope everyone’s enjoying our reading of Magic Tree House so far! Ariel and I have been talking about revisiting more series we enjoyed when we were kids, like our annual Goosebumps reading, because it’s fun to laugh about what remarkably low standards we had when we were kids. And it’s nice to take a little break from what remarkably low standards some actual adults still have.

*long sigh, accompanied by a single tear*

Chapter 4: Henry

Jack watches on in horror as his little sister Annie approaches the Pteranodon. If you’re already lost, you should probably read Ariel’s post yesterday. It’ll take just as long as summarizing it will take. [Ariel says: In a nutshell: Dinosaurs, motherfucker.]

Jack has a perfectly reasonable objections to his sister approaching a live dinosaur.

Oh, brother. She was always trying to make friends with animals. But this was going too far.

Perhaps too reasonable. [Ariel says: I'm really loving how jaded Jack is; it's hilarious. It's like, I never thought a kid could be jaded about something as insane as a real, living and breathing dinosaur, but Jack is just too cool for school. It'd be like if I met the whole cast of 30 Rock, and was just like, "Oh brother, the casts of my favorite television shows are always just showing up unannounced. What next? Everyone from Arrested Development? Sheesh."] 

Annie starts talking to the Pteranodon and names it Henry, using the infallible logic that it is just like their neighbor’s dog, Henry. [Ariel says: Did he also poop in Jack and Annie's garden or something?] Jack gathers the courage to go check out the scene himself, because “It would be good to examine the creature. Take notes. Like a scientist.” Which is apparently something he is now interested in doing.

Annie pressures Jack into petting the live Pteranodon. Jesus, Annie, let the man breathe. Jack pets the dinosaur, and is surprised to feel a thin layer of fuzz.

“We’re probably the first people in the whole world to ever see a real live Pteranodon.” [...] Jack reached into his backpack and pulled out a pencil and a notebook. He wrote:
fuzzy skin

Having taken notes that will certainly prove invaluable in the future, Jack moves on taking notes about things he is observing and moves on to pure speculation.

“I wonder how smart he is,” Jack said.
“Very smart,” said Annie.
“Don’t count on it,” said Jack. “his brain’s probably no bigger than a bean.” [...] Jack wrote in his notebook:small brain?

And then we get just the most out-there note that I’m gonna give you without context, much like the scientific community reading Jack’s notebook would find themselves having to do:

mouth like scissors?

Then Annie sees another huge dinosaur! AAAAAAAAA!

Chapter 5: Gold in the Grass

Jack and Annie retreat back into the tree house and observe the dinosaur, which they determine is a Triceratops. They then look up whether a triceratops eats meat or plants (even though they are currently watching it eat plants), because remember when you were so young you didn’t already know what dinosaurs would hypothetically eat you? I didn’t know a single person who hadn’t committed which dinosaurs would kill them as soon as look at them by the age of, like, four. Dinosaurs are sweet, yo. [Ariel says: Seriously, I used to watch every dinosaur related movie I could get my hands on. I especially loved We're Back! which was sooo good.]

“Oh no! That dinosaur DOES eat meat! THIS IS SO COOL.”

Having determined that the triceratops is not a threat (or at least will not eat them, which is a good enough lesson for children about interacting with large wild animals I guess) [Ariel says: I would be concerned about being trampled on personally], Annie encourages Jack to go check it out. Jack agrees after Annie promises that she will not pet it. Or kiss it. For some reason. Look, this is what’s in the book. My job’s just to tell it like it is.

The dinosaur was incredibly big. Bigger than a truck.

Jack takes more notes, like “eats flowers” and “eats slowly” [Ariel says: This is going to change the face of science forever. Everything we once thought we knew about dinosaurs was only mostly true!] Annie continues being a goddamn troublemaker and throws herself in front of the triceratops. Fortunately, it merely expresses vague disinterest and then leaves, prompting Jack to note perhaps his deepest, most insightful observation yet:

nice

“THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.”

Annie and Jack decide to continue exploring, when Jack finds a new plot device:

As Jack started after Annie, he saw something glittering in the tall grass. He reached out and picked it up.
A medallion. A gold medallion. A letter was engraved on the medallion. A fancy M.
“Oh, man. Someone came here before us,” Jack said softly.

Spoiler: We do not find out whose medallion it is. Guess we need to read the other fifty Magic Tree House books. [Ariel says: Damn it, Mary Pope Osborne, you're crafty I'll give you that.]

Much like how the previous scene began with two never-before-seen characters with an unexplained relationship to the plot, this week’s scene also begins with a never-before-seen character with a previously unexplained relationship to the plot. It is also one of The Room‘s more infamous moments of suddenly introducing something that has nothing to do with the rest of the movie.

This is the Chris-R scene.

It begins with Denny dribbling a basketball on the roof (for some reason) before he is joined by an unseen figure. The tone is set appropriately with an impossible camera shot that goes through a wall.

Denny stops dribbling the basketball and wordlessly turns towards the figure. The camera cuts to reveal yet another character we’ve never seen before.

Now, I’m trying to simply do a reading of The Room and not get too caught up in behind the scenes details (of which there is an entire world in and of itself), but I feel like it’s worth pointing out – to remind you that The Room can always get more surreal – that Dan Janjigian, who plays the drug dealer, also competed in the 2002 Olympics for the Armenian bobsled team. Fun fact! Anyway, back to the fact that there’s apparently a fucking drug dealer in the movie now.

Strangely, although this scene has nothing to do with anything (you’ll see), this new character and even Denny provide some of the film’s better performances. The new character is clearly all business.

And Denny is clearly incredibly uncomfortable around him.

Neither of them are in focus, however.

Chris-R: Hey, Denny.
Denny: (nods) Chris-R.

Yes. The drug dealer’s name is “Chris-R”. With a hyphen. This would seemingly suggest that 1) people frequently go by their first name and last initial, 2) there is another Chris in this movie, 3) that there is literally any reason why someone would go by their first name and last initial at all times, 4) there is then a reason to hyphenate that name, but none of these statements are true.

Denny: I’ve been lookin’ for ya.
Chris-R: Yeah, sure you have.

Denny was just chilling on the roof, clearly not looking for anyone. Also, he was dribbling a basketball on the roof for some reason, so he was definitely not doing anything that made any kind of sense.

Denny passes Chris-R the basketball (again, for some reason), and Chris-R cuts to the chase.

Chris-R: You have my money, right?
Denny: Yeah. It’s coming. It’ll be here in a few minutes.

Wait, what? Were Chris-R and Denny planning on meeting here for this purpose? Why wouldn’t Denny be prepared? Did Chris-R just happen to find Denny on the roof of this building? How did he know to look there? How did he get into the building? What does Denny mean when he says the money “is coming”? Is there actually someone with money on their way? Is Denny trying to stall? Why is he stalling? Why is he stalling on the roof where there is no escape? Why is he on the roof dribbling a basketball, waiting for a drug dealer, whose money he does not have? Why is he on the roof dribbling a basketball? Why is Chris-R a drug dealer who does not require upfront payment and instead apparently works on some sort of deferred payment system with his drug-addled clientele?

All very good questions for those two lines of dialogue.

Chris-R: What do you mean, “It’s coming,” Denny?

Good question, Chris-R.

Chris-R then gets considerably more terrifying as he leans in and asks, “Where’s… my money, Denny?”

Denny ill-advisedly tells Chris-R the money will be here in five minutes. Denny looks positively scared shitless.

Or like he has no idea what movie he’s in anymore.

Chris-R: Five minutes? You want five fucking minutes, Denny? You know what? I haven’t got FIVE FUCKING MINUTES.

Things get very bad for Denny.

Chris-R pulls a gun out and slams Chris-R to the ground, screaming, “Where’s my fucking money, Denny?” Which is probably not a very effective way to get your fucking money, but clearly this is a time of crisis. If only someone capable of stopping an angry and built man armed with a gun were to suddenly show up.

Johnny and Mark show up and disarm Chris-R in a struggle that lasts about four seconds. Man, I feel bad for complaining about how Denny dribbling a basketball on the roof didn’t make sense now.

Also, Lisa and Claudette are just standing there now, I guess.

No, seriously, this scene is beautiful. Johnny and Mark run onto the roof and pull Chris-R away from Denny, while Mark also grabs the gun away from him. Suddenly, the camera cuts back to the entrance to the roof, where Lisa and Claudette are standing completely still, suddenly screaming incoherently about the ruckus. Also, as you might imagine, the actor playing Chris-R isn’t really able to make it look like he was overpowered, but rather just kind of gave up.

Johnny and Mark take Chris-R away (Tommy Wiseau nonchalantly says “Let’s take him to the police.” during the scuffle) while Lisa and Claudette go to Denny’s aid. Sort of.

Lisa: What did that man want from you?
Denny: Nothing!
Claudette: Oh, that was not nothing!
Lisa: (crying, for some reason, though she has never shown concern for other people until now) Tell me everything!
Claudette: (angry, for some reason, though met Denny for like ten seconds earlier that day) You have no idea what kind of trouble you’re in here, do you? (Do you? Why would Claudette know? Is he in trouble with her?)
Denny: (stoically, I guess) I owe him some money.
Lisa: What kind of money? (…Presumably American money? It’s a little unclear, but this movie takes place in San Francisco, right?)
Denny: I owe him some money!
Lisa: What kind of money? (This doesn’t make any more sense the second time.)
Denny: Everything is okay! He’s gone! (Forever, I guess.)
Claudette: Everything is not okay! Denny, that is a dangerous man!
Denny: Calm down! He’s going to jail! (Because the American justice system just kind of allows you to deposit people in jail because you say so.)
Lisa: Denny, what kind of money? Just tell me! (LISA, THIS STILL DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE.)
Claudette: What do you need money for? (Seriously? Because… because most things.)
Lisa: Mom, stop! Denny’s with me and Johnny! (Whom you’re planning on leaving.)
Claudette: A man like that? With a gun?! My God!
Lisa: Denny. Look me in the eyes and tell me the truth. We’re your friends.
Denny: I bought some drugs off of him. (Well, as I recall, you apparently didn’t.)
Claudette: (rolls her eyes, for some reason)
Denny: Things got mixed up, I didn’t mean for this to happen.
Lisa: (sobbing hysterically, although we have no idea why she cares about Denny) Denny…
Denny: I don’t have them anymore!
Lisa: (screaming) What kind of drugs, Denny?
Denny: It doesn’t matter! I don’t have them anymore! (Because you used them? Because then it might. If only this topic could be elaborated on! Ever. Again.)
Claudette: It doesn’t matter? How in the hell did you get involved with drugs? What were you doing? Giving them to him? Selling them to him? Where in the hell did you meet that man?
Lisa: WHAT KIND OF DRUGS DO YOU TAKE?
Denny: It’s nothing like that!
Lisa: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUUUUU?

Okay, you really just need to watch this scene to get the full effect of how hilarious Lisa is in this scene, especially Lisa’s hysterical and sort-of-out-of-nowhere “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?”

Denny endures some more screaming before he starts crying and delivers some fantastic lines:

Denny: Stop ganging up on me!

And – given how Claudette is weirdly upset about this man she had previously known for ten seconds – this weirdly appropriate one:

Lisa and Claudette continue to good cop/bad cop Denny for a bit, before Claudette declares that, “Somebody had better do something around here” (if only) and Lisa holds Denny. Johnny and Mark return to the scene, having successfully incarcerated Chris-R through the American legal system in about two minutes, to defuse the situation.

And for some subtle biblical imagery.

Johnny: Come on, stop.
Mark: It was a mistake.
Claudette: A mistake? That he takes drugs?
Johnny: (moaning?) Let’s go home.
Mark: Come on. It’s clear. (Is this a saying?)
Claudette: What’s clear? (I don’t know, Claudette! I don’t know!) I am going to call the police? (About the drug dealer that Johnny already brought to them? About the drugs that Denny doesn’t have?)
Lisa: Mom, stop! It was Denny’s mistake! Just stop! (Yeah, you’re not his fucking mother!)

Mark manages to take Claudette downstairs, so Johnny, Denny, Lisa, and the stirring strings in the soundtrack can have a moment alone to deliver a Message about Society.

Johnny: Why did you do this? You know better, right? WHY? [...]
Lisa: Denny, you know that Johnny’s like your father. And we’re your friends. (This is a very confusing dynamic.) We’re gonna help you.

Anyway, as you might have guessed, Chris-R, Denny’s drug problem, and anything else related to this subplot are never mentioned in the movie again. Much like Claudette’s breast cancer, brother, and ex-husband. Stop trying to make subplots happen, Tommy Wiseau.

Seriously, I don’t know why I can never remember what happened in Betrayed last week. I must be disassociating while I write these posts or something. Anyway, Zoey was interrogated by Lame Cop 1 and Lame Cop 2 because she is suspected of MURDER kind of. But then Zoey’s all like totally whatever because she goes to American Eagle and Starbucks, and then Heath shows up at the end of the chapter. Omg twist. [Matthew says: I'm honestly curious how many people are reading this post wondering who Heath is.]

Chapter 12

Heath is apparently putting up some sort of poster. I wonder if he’s missing a plot puppy of his very own? [Matthew says: Don't be stupid, Ariel. Travis and Abby would never put effort into finding plot puppy if he went missing.]

I could see his face clearly and it surprised me how handsome he looked.

I used to hate how much this book slut-shamed, but now I kind of wish Zoey would chill the fuck out. We have enough to deal with as it is, what with Loren and Erik. We don’t need this scrub in the mix too. I would prefer if we got Loren out of the mix and kept Heath, but beggars can’t be choosers, ya know? [Matthew says: Also, total 180 from "Heath was a stupid moron!" to "I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU" in five... four...]

Heath approaches Zoey both cautiously and stupidly:

“Shit!” The word left his mouth in a rush of air. “You’re really here!”
I frowned at him. He’d never been exactly brilliant, but even for him this sounded pretty dumb. “Of course I’m here. What did you think I was, a ghost?” (A ZOMBIE ghost?)
He dropped into the chair across from me as if his legs wouldn’t hold him anymore. “Yes. No. I dunno. It’s just that I see you a lot and you’re never really there. I thought this was just another one of those times.”

Oh, Heath, it’s always painfully awkward when you get your wet dreams and real life mixed up. [Matthew says: More importantly, can we talk about how the novel totally sweeps "Heath has actual hallucinations" under the rug?]

Like all other vampyre fiction, Zoey smells Heath and gets a massive vampyre!boner, and his scent makes her think of, “heat and moonlight and sexy dreams,” which is just the Casts way of throwing together words that they think are titillating in order to make this scene more exciting than it is.

Jonah Hill very clearly speaks for all of us when he motions for the Casts to cut it out. (thank you http://www.reactiongifs.com)

Heath tries to convince Zoey that he’s changed (he doesn’t drink or smoke anymore! Making him a decidedly Good and Worthwhile Person in the House of Night universe) [Matthew says: Why, he might even meet Mama Cast's approval and be an eligible suitor for Kristin Cast now!], while Zoey tries to convince him he only wants her so badly because he imprinted on her. I try to convince myself that there’s a chance this conversation will end in the next paragraph.

Zoey tries to reason with Heath about their future:

“Will you also be cool with me outliving you by several hundred years?”
Dorklike, he wagged his eyebrows at me. “I can think of worse things than having a hot, young vampyre chick when I’m, like, fifty.”

Zoey brings up Kayla to try to remind Heath not-so-subtly about his cheatin’ ways. Heath reveals that Kayla believes vampyres are behind the disappearance/murders of the two boys.

“She thinks I had something to do with Chris.”
He moved his shoulders restlessly. “Not you, or at least she doesn’t say you. She thinks it’s vampyres, though, but so do a lot of people.”
“Do you?” I asked softly.
His eyes shot back to mine. “No way! But something bad’s happening. Someone’s kidnapping football players.

Woah – sorry to interrupt you there, Heath, but someone’s kidnapping football players! My god. They’re targeting the most coveted social group known to man. It’s something bigger than us, any of us. They’re not just going after teen football players. No. This is just the beginning. Soon famous football players who are probably also vampyres will start going missing, and then the real plan will go into motion. The plan to stop The Super Bowl. You guys, this plot is so much more intricate than we ever could have dreamed!

Sorry, Heath, continue.

“That’s why I was here today. I’m taping up flyers with Brad’s picture on them. Maybe someone will remember him being dragged away or something.”

OMG. Thanks to Heath’s flyer I now remember seeing a boy getting dragged in to the woods! Holy mother fucking shit balls. I never would have recalled this seemingly insignificant event had this young hero not put up this flyer!

Seriously, that is the lamest plan that has been in this book yet, and Zoey is usually the one making up a new stupid plan every chapter. Remember the bomb threat plan she and her crew came up with last chapter? They should have just called Chris Christie because shutting bridges down is his jam. #Bridgegate #Still_Relevant? #hashtags.

Zoey realizes she has to get to school [Matthew says: Because she has to make the phone call for the fake bomb threat. Seriously. She didn't take the phone with her. Her plan was to have to race back to school and make the call there. I'm not 100% certain how tracking where cellular calls occur actually works, but given how careful they're being anyway, why wouldn't she make the call out when she's out in public, rather than when she's at Vampyre School, where there would be significantly fewer suspects?] and also that this is probably the last time she’ll see Heath again (yeah, right). He walks her to her car and tells her he needs to show her something.

I had jokingly thought to myself that he was going to pull a knife on Zoey, and I was sort of right. He does show her a knife, but it’s because he wants her to drink his blood again. Zoey refuses because that’s not the kind of vampyre she is, damn it!

But then Heath cuts his neck a bit and Zoey can’t resist… [Matthew says: Joke about Zoey's slut shaming and then "not being able to resist" goes here.]

BUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN TOMORROW OMG THE CHAPTER CAN’T END HERE!!!! Lol, you totally believed me there for a second. Little did you know that I give no fucks!

Previously in House of Night, Zoey is cheating on her boyfriend with a second guy. I’m genuinely confused how we’re supposed to find her to be a likeable main character. [Ariel says: I think we're meant to find that Zoey's flaws make her realer and more believable when in fact they're just as bad as her allegedly good qualities. She's somehow even the worst at being a Mary-Sue, which in a way just continues to make her super speshul. The worst Mary-Sue of all. Damn, girl.] 

Chapter 13

Zoey drinks Heath’s blood and the Casts sound like E L James.

The taste exploded in my mouth.

[Ariel says: Is this porn for 14 year old girls? What are the kids reading these days!] Man, after Fifty Shades I thought we’d never have to read sexual pleasure described as an explosion ever again. Maybe when Zoey finally does bang one of these three guys, her orgasm will erupt or detonate or something.

Oh, exploding orgasms. I’ve missed you, old friend.

Zoey drinks Heath’s blood. Heath grabs her butt and her breast. Zoey rubs Heath’s erect penis over his pants. Look, it’s my job to summarize what’s going on for you. You can’t complain you’re not getting the full experience now. [Ariel says: Omg wut. Please stop this.]

I’m not gonna lie. This scene is incredibly confusing and frustrating to read. Zoey’s desires and feelings change so many times in this scene for unclear or nonexistent reasons that I’m honestly at a loss how to summarize this for you guys. Even the dialogue is a total clusterfuck of things that fall short of actually being coherent, although you’re probably not too surprised by that:

I turned my head and looked at him. “How the hell can you be so calm and normal-sounding?” [...]
“Easy, Zo. Making-out with you is totally normal for me. You’ve been driving me crazy for years.”

Basically, Zoey tells Heath it’s not going to work, but he wins her over with the depth of his earnestness and love, and she agrees to try to meet up with him again. Yes, the same Heath that Zoey spent the entire first novel trashing for being stupid and denying that they had ever actually dated, and has literally never shown any indication she was actually romantically interested in him (much less likes him) until pretty much just now. [Ariel says: That one line about giving up drinking and drugs really was meant to symbolize tons of character development, huh, what do you know. The Casts really are as lazy as we make them out to be.] I guess the Casts were really desperate to make their protagonist seem desirable, and setting up a “oh my goodness, so many men like me, I don’t know what to do!” clusterfuck is a much easier way to do that than, say, writing a likeable character. [Ariel says: Just try to imagine a world where we like Zoey. See? It's really fucking hard.]

The Casts re: what they expect from their readers

Anyway, we now put Zoey’s out-of-control teenage love life to the side to instead focus on Zoey’s fake bomb threat to the FBI! This would be a seriously jarring shift in tone if either of these scenes could figure out what the fuck their tone is. As you’ll see, the Casts struggle with nailing the tone for this one too. Yes, they struggle with the tone of a bomb threat.

Guess which one the Casts went with?

“I want to report a bomb. [...] My group, Nature’s Jihad (Shaunee came up with our name), planted it just below the waterline on one of the pylons (a word Damien had come up with) of the bridge that crosses the Arkansas River on I-40 [...] We’re taking full responsibility for this act of civil disobedience (more Erin input, although she said terrorism is not actually civil disobedience, it’s… well… terrorism, which is definitely different) protesting the U.S. government’s interference in our lives and pollution in America’s rivers. Be warned that this is only our first strike!” [...]
“What are you, ma’am, and where did you get this information?” [Ariel says: THE INTERNET!]
“Down with government intervention and pollution and up with the power of the people!” I yelled and then hung up.

Oh my god. Where do I fucking begin? Jesus, I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to make a list for this one. Thanks for fucking up with such great density, Casts.

• So the tone might not be hilarious, but it’s definitely not 100% serious because of how ridiculously Zoey is fucking up. “Down with government intervention and pollution and up with the power of the people!” Really?
• Nature’s Jihad. Seriously. I am pretty sure this is super racist? [Ariel says: And meaningless. You can't fucking take any word and just add Jihad to the end unless you are Matt Stone and Trey Parker writing Team America World Police and are clearly satirizing people's incorrect perceptions. You can't just be like "GRILLED CHEESE JIHAD" or maybe you can and I'm the one that's ignorant here. IDK.]
• Zoey’s constant, rambling asides have surpassed simply breaking up the pacing and have now actually gone into grammatical error territory. All those parentheses are inside the quotation marks, which would technically mean that Zoey is actually saying all of this to the person on the other end. I kind of want to pretend she did, because I like the mental image of this person having to suffer listening to Zoey speak like we do. [Ariel said: It would certainly help convince the FBI that she's insane and a threat to society.]

Speaking of problems with tone, Stevie Rae enters the room and they immediately start talking about Zoey’s boy problems rather than the felony she just committed.

“Blah blah bomb threat”

“I ran into my ex-boyfriend.”
“Ohmygoodness! Tell me everything.” She plopped down on her bed, eyes shining.

…why is this good news? Is Stevie Rae so desperate to live vicariously through Zoey that even her bad experiences are gossip fodder? [Ariel says: Yes. You nailed it in one!]

“Heath says he’s not seeing [Kayla] because of the crap she’s saying about vampyres.”
“See! We were right about her being the reason those cops were here asking stuff about you,” Stevie Rae said.
“Seems like it.”

What. No, that is a huge leap to conclusions there. Plus this leap to conclusions is “one high schooler without factual information was spreading a rumors which is obviously the single lead the cops acted on”, which is dumb.

“I still like him,” I admitted.

Well, this is the first we’re hearing of it, and we’ve been in Zoey’s head for a book and a half by now.

“I knew it! [...] Man, you have like a zillion guys, Z.”

Conveniently, right as all of Z’s slut shaming from the first book has completely disappeared. [Ariel says: Being a slut is fine as long as you're the one getting the attention from boys! When other girls do it, then it's a problem. Life lessons with da Casts <3]

“What are you gonna do?”
“I have not got one clue,” I said miserably.

For those of you keeping score at home, Zoey wants to cheat on her boyfriend (or almost-boyfriend, depending on nothing in particular) with her teacher, and is cheating on him with her old high school fling, and Zoey sees nothing wrong with this. Aphrodite gives one dude one blow job and Zoey has never stopped slut shaming her. I realize I’m not the intended audience for this book, but is anyone on Zoey’s side here, or is everyone impatiently waiting for it to blow up in her face like I am? [Ariel says: It's not the only thing that's going to blow up in her face soon if ya know what I mean. I'm sorry, but it was just hanging there like the lowest of lowly fruit, and I had to take it.] [Matthew adds: Haha, "just hanging there" and "had to take it". Like Heath's dick.]

Previously, in Dinosaurs Before Dark, Jack finds a mysterious medallion and determines that someone else has been to prehistoric times just like he and Annie have. [Matthew says: Also, dinosaurs.]

Chapter 6: Dinosaur Valley 

Jack goes to find Annie and tell her of his astounding medallion discovery. It’s always a great idea to get separated from your sibling when you’ve accidentally been transported to a time when dinosaurs existed and there is a very good chance you’re either going to get eaten or trampled on.

Jack finds Annie pretty quickly, but she runs off again two lines later without paying any attention to the medallion, which is pretty true of the series as a whole because I feel like that plot isn’t expanding on this officially until much farther into the series. [Matthew says: It's like how House of Night introduces things that don't get developed until later in the series, except Magic Tree House remembers to put an actual plot in each book too.]

Annie accidentally runs into an area full of dinosaur nests, and one of the mama dinosaurs ain’t too happy.

The huge dinosaur was towering above Annie. Waving her arms. Making her tuba sound.

[Matthew says: I really like how "Making her tuba sound" is its own sentence. It's weirdly more badass than anything else going on.] Jack, being the badass motherfucker he is, keeps his cool and guides Annie out of the situation with a surprising amount of grace for an eight and a half year old.

Jack stopped. He didn’t want to get too close.
He knelt on the ground. “Okay. Move toward me. Slowly,” he said.
Annie started to stand up.
“Don’t stand. Crawl,” said Jack.

Lord knows if I was at risk of being attacked by a dinosaur I would not be able to keep my cool like that. Jack puts me to shame :(

Then Jack makes a suggestion I’m completely unfamiliar with, and you guys will have to tell me if this is actually a thing:

“Stay down,” he said. He crouched next to her. “Bow your head. Pretend to chew.”
“Chew?”
“Yes. I read that’s what you do if a mean dog comes at you.”
“She’s no dog, Jack.”

I guess what goes on in the dinosaurs mind is something like this: “AW HELL NO! FUCKING KIDS TRYING TO STEAL MY EGGS? Oh…their heads are down and it appears…ah yes, it appears they’re chewing, so they’re just here to eat. Whew, nothing to worry about here!”

Everything goes according to plan, and the dinosaur’s anger is assuaged. Jack tells Annie in the future she can’t just go running into dinosaur nests because the mother is always nearby. I’m sure this is going to be very relevant advice that Annie can utilize for the rest of her life.

Despite what has just happened within the past five seconds, Annie stands up and approaches the dinosaur, offering it a flower she’d picked earlier. Instead of squashing this moronic child, the dinosaur is like, “Ooooh flower,” and starts waddling after Annie to get more flowers. IN WHAT WORLD? [Matthew says: I also really like how Dinosaur Science in this book boils down to "dinosaurs eat flowers". Apparently "plants" is a very difficult concept for five year olds.]

Just when you thought this was some perfect utopia where dinosaurs and children could coexist in perfect harmony [Matthew says: But not flowers.], a tyrannosaurus shows up. Cliffhanger!

Chapter 7: Ready, Set, Go!

The children race back to the treehouse, and Jack starts wishing to go home. Annie points out that he doesn’t have the book with the picture of their home town, and Jack is like, “Oh shit, I left my backpack on the hill.” Jesus, Jack, rookie mistake. [Matthew says: Although WHY they suddenly know that they need the books to travel is another question entirely. I go into this a little bit more tomorrow, but basically these kids figure out that the books are what makes traveling between worlds possible with fewer clues than you get to figure out the same thing in Myst.]

And all five of you who know what I’m talking about know that was really hard.

The thing is, when I first read this scene I thought his backpack had the other book in it, but no, his backpack has the dinosaur book in it. Here’s why Jack needs to get his backpack so badly:

“Oh, forget it,” said Annie.
“I can’t,” said Jack. “The book doesn’t belong to us. Plus my notebook’s in my pack. With all my notes.”

Look, I’m all for living in a society where children are respectful of other people’s belongings, but come on, Jack. I suppose his notes are pretty valuable and irreplaceable, though, what with such descriptions like, “nice.” [Matthew says: The scientific community will never recover from all of his lost work.]

Jack runs back, grabs his bag, and then starts to run back to the tree house (I guess in prehistoric times everything was in really close proximity), but the tyrannosaurus is blocking the way. OH NO!

Hopefully you enjoyed our reading of Magic Tree House, because we finish it today! [Ariel says: I keep forgetting this book is only like three pages. Whoops!] I’m pretty sure our summary of this book was longer than the book itself.

Next week, we’ll be returning to our normal fare of emotionally abusive relationship stories masquerading as erotic romance. We make our long-awaited return to Sylvia Day’s Crossfire Series as Ariel reads the third entry, Entwined with You.

[Ariel says: Is it wrong that I'm looking forward to this? I have the same relationship with this series that Eva and Gideon have with each other - I'm angry at the characters all the fucking time, but I just can't stay away. I need to know what happens, and I need to be there to laugh at it. They're familiar and I know I won't be scrambling to find stupid things to laugh at. It's also this general need I have to finish things. It drives me nuts when we leave series dangling here, except for like Hush, Hush because I barely remember that we read that book.]

Yes, I said Ariel is reading Entwined with You. Basically, I can’t even. I realize that this is Bad Books, Good Times and I kind of signed up for this shit, but Bared To You and Reflected In You were so bad and offensive that I refuse to read more Sylvia Day. But fear not! While Ariel’s reading Entwined with You, I’m going to be reading another book that calls itself romance when it’s actually a poorly-written shitshow of misogyny and glorification of emotionally abusive relationships: Samuel Richardson’s Pamela. [Ariel says: Extra fear not because we'll still be commenting on each other's posts, but this way we reduce the suffering a bit.] 

And suddenly, our readership dropped by 73%.

Yes, Sylvia Day is so bad and offensive that I would rather read Pamela, a slow-paced novel from the 1700s that I couldn’t even make myself read it for an English class I took in college, than read another book written by Sylvia Day. Fucking congratulations, Sylvia Day. Your books are so bad, I can’t even hate-read them. [Ariel says smugly: But I can... wait, now I'm just embarrassed.] 

Pamela, or Virtue Rewarded is a strange beast. Published in 1740, its proximity to the development of the novel as a literary form means that it still shows up on college syllabi not so infrequently, but modern critics have observed that it’s really more like the 18th century Fifty Shades of Grey, because it’s an overwritten love story between a controlling man who falls in love with a barely developed female protagonist for no clear reason, and pretty much nothing happens. So we thought it would be fun if while Ariel read Entwined In You (the most recent and most prominent Fifty Shades imitator), I read Pamela, and we all learned just how little misogyny dressed up as badly-written romance has changed in the last 300 years. [Ariel says: Is it everything you ever dreamed up and more? Or significantly less perhaps?]

But for now, dinosaurs.

Chapter 8: A Giant Shadow

Jack returns to where they just escaped from a Tyrannosaurus Rex that they know is still there because he has to get back a book he left there.

This worked out nicely.

We’ve known Jack for a very short time and he has already made the worst decision of any character we’ve ever read on Bad Books, Good Times. [Ariel says: Which is a crying shame because I really believed in him at first, which I can't say for any of the other characters in anything else we've read. Damn it, Jack, you really let us down.] 

He peeked out at the giant monster. The horrible-looking creature was opening and closing his huge jaws. His teeth were as big as steak knives.

Jack decides to check the book he risked his life for to see if it will offer any advice on how to survive a direct encounter with it, as nonfiction books about long-extinct animals are wont to do. [Ariel says: I was genuinely expecting Jack to quickly pull out his notebook and scribble some insightful note like "scary. not nice."] 

Jack opened the dinosaur book. He found Tyrannosaurus rex. He read:
Tyrannosaurus rex was the largest meat-eating land animal of all time. If it were alive today, it would eat a human in one bite.
Great. The book was no help at all.

[Ariel says: It's almost like the book had been written in anticipation of this exact moment. Like everyone opening this book just wanted to find out whether or not it was likely a Tyrannosaurus would eat a human if it was around today. I mean, after Jurassic Park I guess this was a valid concern, but still.]

Jack knows he can’t outrun the dinosaur, so he does what might be the next best thing and hides in hopes of waiting it out. Annie – whom Jack can see from where he is and yet is in no apparent danger form the Tyrannosaurus for some reason – leaves the tree house. She makes flapping motions and points at the sky, which is apparently a code entirely too complex for Jack to decipher. Jack is spotted by the Tyrannosaurus Rex, Henry the Pteranodon suddenly swoops in to his rescue, and one of the books we’re reading for this blog is finally building up to a goddamn dinosaur showdown!

LIKE I ALWAYS SAID IT WOULD.

[Ariel says: Holy shit balls! I remember this scene vividly, because I'd gotten very emotionally attached the Pteranodon for some reason and was really really worried he was going to get killed.] [Matthew adds: Clearly we've already seen enough of Jack's decision-making abilities that even children are ready to leave him to his fate.]

Chapter 9: The Amazing Ride

Annie guides the Pteranodon to Jack as the T Rex charges towards them. Jack observes his role in the tense scene with despair.

Climb on? “But I’m too heavy,” thought Jack. [Ariel says: Childhood obesity in 'merica, amirite? Where's Michelle Obama when you need her.] 

Jack gets over being a fatty fat-face and climbs on the Pteranodon, which takes off into the sky! Also, dramatic tension happens!

They teetered this way. Then that.
Jack nearly fell off.

It’s almost a shame I have such high standards for what counts as “exciting” now.

Jack looked down. The Tyrannosaurus was chomping the air and staring up at him.
The Pteranodon glided away.

Basically the only thing missing from this scene.

They fly over the valley, staring down in wonder at all they had seen that day, from the triceratops to the duck-billed dinosaurs and their babies. Of course, Jack and Annie really didn’t wander that far from the Tree House at any point, so all of these awe-inspiring creatures are in imminent danger of being killed by a T Rex.

The Pteranodon drops them off in front of the tree house and they thank it for saving their life. As I just pointed out, though, they haven’t actually traveled all that far, and the Tyrannosaurus immediately shows up again. Couldn’t Jack see the tree house from where his confrontation with the Tyrannosaurus happened in the first place? Surely they wasted more time flying around and saying goodbye to Henry than it took the Tyrannosaurus to walk to the tree house. [Ariel says: OMG just like it took more time for us to explain the book than to actually read it. MY GOD.] 

They climb up into the tree house:

Jack and Annie tumbled into the books.
“Make a wish!” cried Annie.
“We need the book! The one with the picture of Frog Creek!” said Jack. [...] He had to find that book about Pennsylvania. [...] He grabbed it and tore through it, looking for the photograph of the Frog Creek woods.
He found it! Jack pointed to the picture.
“I wish we could go home!” he shouted.

Wait, when did they figure out how to do all this? The one time they used the magic tree house before this was an accident, so how did they know to find a book of where they wanted to go and to point to a picture of it and to specifically say they “wish” they could go there? And, sure, you might also be expecting me to criticize how convenient it is that Jack happened to already be carrying a book about his hometown, but they’ve already found a magic tree house that travels through time and space, so I think we can overlook this convenience. However, how does the book drop them off at the exact time and place as when they left? They’re not “returning” so much as doing the same procedure for going to a new place. So wouldn’t it take them to the time when the photograph was taken?

“You’re not thinking four-dimensionally!” “Yeah, THIS IS A FUCKING TREE HOUSE.”

Chapter 10: Home Before Dark

Despite the dangers of setting the contradictory rules of time-travel, Jack and Annie make it back home to Frog Creek woods, like it’s a children’s book trying to not overcomplicate things or something.

No time had passed since they’d left.

I get it, book. Geez, stop rubbing it in my face.

“What happened to us?” he said.
“We took a trip in a magic tree house,” said Annie simply.

Annie continues not worrying about the implications of their misadventure. [Ariel says: IN WHAT WORLD WOULD THAT BE ANYONE'S REACTION? IN WHAT WORLD.] 

“But how?” said Jack. “And who built this magic tree house? Who put all these books here?”
“A magic person, I guess,” said Annie.
A magic person?

Annie’s efforts to not make things complicated reaches a new low:

[Jack] reached into his pocket and pulled out the gold medallion. “Someone lost this back there… in dinosaur land. Look, there’s a letter M on it.”
Annie’s eyes got round. “You think M stands for magic person?” she said.

The logic is infallible. I do frequently wear a shirt with a P on it for poor quality book blogger. [Ariel says: What the fuck, Annie? There is a letter M on something called MEDALLION, and your first thought isn't maybe that it could just be referring to that? Magic person my ass.] [Matthew adds: It's like we can't expect much critical thinking from someone who constantly runs in front of dinosaurs.]

Jack knows someone traveled to dinosaur times before they did, but doesn’t dwell very long on the mystery. They leave the tree house, realizing nobody is going to read their story. Man, Jack, it’s like all those notes you took on how the dinosaurs were nice and maybe had small brains was for nothing.

“Tomorrow,” Jack said softly, “we’ll go back to the woods. [...] And we’ll climb up to the tree house [...] And we’ll see what happens next,” said Jack.

Or… or maybe they should not? [Ariel says: I need to read the ninja one again. That picture is amazing. I need to know what kind of notes Jack writes about ninjas. I just need to.] [Matthew adds: "Not nice. Clothes."]

Previously, Zoey drank some of Heath’s blood, rubbed his erection over his pants and then returned to school to make a bomb threat. Man, vampyre high school is so cray. We’re really not doing our part to make sure the vampyre youths are leading healthy, happy existences. Before writing this post, Matt informed me I had an extra dumb chapter ahead of me. Given what he’s comparing this chapter to, I believe I have reason to be alarmed, very alarmed.

Chapter 14

We open with the gang watching an episode of Dr. Phil. I can only assume in this world, Dr. Phil addresses serious issues about vampyre parenting. Perhaps in this Very Special Episode he’ll be addressing what to do when your vampyre child calls in a fake bomb threat. Speaking of which, Fox News has the scoop:

“This is Chera Kimiko with breaking news. We have learned that shortly after two thirty this afternoon the Oklahoma branch of the FBI received a bomb threat from a terrorist group calling themselves Nature’s Jihad. Fox News has discovered that the group claimed to have planted a bomb on the I-40 Arkansas River bridge not far from Webber’s Falls. Let’s go live to Hannah Downs for an update.”

Seriously, is Fox News sponsoring this book? It would explain its poor quality and heavy-handed, hypocritical sense of morality. Actually, that would make freaking everything make sense about this book. It even explains why no one in the news report laughed hysterically when the words “Nature’s Jihad” came up. Seriously, “Nature’s Jihad” is exactly the sort of thing Fox News would come up with themselves.

[Matthew says: Transparent fear-mongering is sort of their bread and butter.]

“What do you want?” Stevie Rae’s voice was uncharacteristically sharp, and I noticed that several girls who had been busy in their own little TV-watching groups up until then stopped what they were doing to look our way. By Aphrodite’s instant change in expression, she noticed it, too.
“From an ex-refrigerator? Nothing!” she sneered.
I felt Stevie Rae stiffen beside me at the slur. I knew she hated the reminder that she had allowed Aphrodite and her inner group of Dark Daughters to use her blood in the ritual that had gone so totally wrong last month. Being used as a “refrigerator” was not a good thing—and being called one was an insult.

I’m really sorry to encroach on your space, Matt, but this would seriously be like if in Harry Potter this happened:

“No one asked your opinion, you filthy little Mudblood!” Draco said.

Being called a “Mudblood” was not a good thing — and being called one was an insult as those with magic powers who come from families where both parents are wizards look down upon those who come from TWO muggle parents.

Like who out there would read this scene and be like, “Huh, it sure sounds like Aphrodite is insulting Stevie Rae, but I just can’t know for certain unless Zoey comes out and tells me.”

“Hey, hag bitch from hell,” Shaunee said in a sweet, friendly tone.

Shaunee’s tone was actually not conveying sweet or friendly words as hag bitch from hell is not a desirable thing to be called.

The twins and Aphrodite fight a bit until Zoey steps in and stops it. She tells everyone they’re all on the same side [Matthew says: Are they?], and Aphrodite storms off. But on the way out she winks at Zoey, which sends her into a tailspin of confusion [Matthew says: So, wait, are they??? Zoey is the only person who thinks they're on the same side - why is she confused?]. I’m just surprised she didn’t interpret it as Aphrodite hitting on her as that seems to be where every interaction between Zoey and other characters is headed these days.

[Matthew says: But first, Hitler!

"Aphrodite has issues," I said, and the three of them looked at me like I'd just said Hitler really hadn't been that bad.

Yes. This teenage girl is probably exactly like Hitler. What an apt comparison, Casts! But why do the not-Zoeys think Zoey is basically Hitler?

"Sorry, Zoey, but that's bullshit," Shaunee said. "She's way too old to be acting a fool because she has a screwed-up mommy."

Yes, it is a well-known fact that once you're an upperclassman in high school, suddenly every issue you experienced during your formative years is null and void! Suck it up, Aphro-Hitler!]

Because the bomb threat plot seems to have wrapped up and Aphrodite’s left the room, it’s time to go prepare for another fucking ritual and talking about clothes along the way.

“Oooh, Twin, maybe they’ll go on sale. Those jeans are just too damn cute to give up on.”
“So why don’t you just take your favorite pair of jeans and see if you can reproduce the pattern yourself? I can’t be that hard, you know,” Damien said logically (and very gayly).

SO IS HE OR IS HE NOT GAY??? Why must this book torture us so! [Matthew says: Also importantly is that, yes, "I can't be that hard" is an actual typo in the book. Wow, Damien. You're very gay, but you're also not very hard during a discussion about clothes? I can't tell if he's gay or not! Casts, you need to give us more stereotypes and/or hilariously sexual typos!]

It starts snowing and a weird amount of time is spent discussing this until Neferet shows up to let Zoey know she’ll be stopping by the ritual and to introduce a new student. This leads to the greatest passage ever.

He was cute, in a studious kind of a way, with tousled sandy blond hair and really pretty blue eyes. Clearly he was one of those geeky kids who is a dork, but a likable dork with potential (translation: he bathes and brushes his teeth, plus has good skin and hair and doesn’t dress like a total loser).

So he’s obviously not good enough to be one of Zoey’s love interests, but definitely for Stevie Rae! Oh yeah, and remember, Zoey is supposed to be super nice and nonjudgmental! [Matthew says: Or, in her own words, wise for water and empathetic for earth! Immediately labeling a kid a geek and a dork on sight is so empathetic!]

“I’d like all of you to meet Jack Twist. Jack, this is my fledgling, Zoey Redbird, leader of the Dark Daughters, and her friends and Prefect Council members, Erin Bates, Shawnee Cole, Stevie Rae Johnson, and Damien Maslin. ”

I am genuinely shocked Neferet didn’t add, “and Damien Maslin. Who is gay.”

Neferet gestured to each of them in turn, and there were “hi”s said all around. The new kid looked a little nervous and pale, but other than that he had a nice smile and didn’t seem socially inept or anything like that. I was just wondering why Neferet had looked for me to introduce the kid to when she went on to explain.
“Jack is a poet and a writer, and Loren Blake is going to be his mentor, but Loren won’t be back from his trip east until tomorrow. Jack is also going to be Erik Night’s roommate. As you are all aware, Erik is away from school until tomorrow, too. So I thought it would be nice if the five of you would show Jack around and be sure he feels welcome and gets settled in today.”

AHAHAHAH I can’t even tell you how hard I laughed when I read this.

He’s Loren’s mentor AND Erik’s roommate? What are the odds! Honestly, though, as stupid of a “coincidence” this is. It just seems like the book’s way of reminding us that Loren and Erik exist because who the fuck cares that Jack is connected to both of them unless he’s going to pass their secrets along to one another and one of those secrets is that they both totes luv Zoey.

In fact, Zoey doesn’t even react to the news that Jack is working with Loren and living with Erik. She just starts thinking about how Neferet > her own mom. So okay. I find it really odd that the one time it would make sense for Zoey to whine about her Loren/Erik dilemmas she doesn’t react at all.

Apparently, when I said Jack was going to be Stevie Rae’s love interest, I was a bit off:

Shaunee and Erin shared a long-suffering look, then Erin explained. “Jack Twist is yummy Jake Gyllenhaal’s totally gay cowboy character from Brokeback Mountain.”
“And just please! Anyone who chooses that name and who looks all geeky cute like that is totally, completely playing for Damien’s team.”

What a twist! A Jack Twist (feel free to throw tomatoes). [Matthew says: Honestly, Ariel, can you not identify gay people on sight? SOMEONE isn't being very wise for water.] I think it’s really fucking weird they assume Jack picked his name and not his parents. If I met someone named Peter Parker in real life, I wouldn’t be like, “You guys, clearly this guy secretly has spider powers. Who else would choose to be named this unless they had those kind of super powers!” [Matthew says: This is also the second time the Casts 100% stole a gay characters' name from a gay character in another film. There are literally two gay characters in this book, both named after gay characters in well-known films. Suddenly it makes so much sense why the Casts have such stereotyped depictions of gay characters. They only saw them in two movies. I can't wait to meet the novel's third gay character, Will Andgrace!]

Anyway, good for Damien and all, but 1) gay + gay does not a romance make. [Matthew says: Ariel, this is young adult fiction. That's all it takes.] 2) I really don’t want to see how the Casts handle a gay relationship. They write about characters who watch Dr. Phil and Fox News, it just can’t end well.

Yes, it’s another post where Zoey just reminds the reader what’s going on in her love life, as though there was an actual plot that might distract us from this. [Ariel says: Plots are sooo last year.] [Matthew adds: Except the entire first book took place in the span of one month, so... plots are so four weeks ago?]

Chapter 15

Zoey, Not Zoey, the gay guy, and two background characters celebrate their successful plan to stop the bridge accident by calling in a fake bomb threat.

I knew my call couldn’t be traced, and I’d watched Damien “accidentally” drop and then totally step on and smash his disposable phone.

Why did this need to be done “accidentally”? The phone’s only purpose was to make the incriminating call and then be purposefully destroyed. If anything, destroying the phone “accidentally” draws attention to the fact that you own the phone that this incriminating call can be traced to. [Ariel says: Not to mention, why would they have destroyed the phone in public? Weren't they doing all of this in private anyway? Or were they just in the middle of the fucking cafeteria "anonymously" calling the FBI.] 

They briefly wonder why Neferet is telling people that Aphrodite has lost her ability to see the future when her last vision just came true. Fortunately, they stop worrying about something as trivial as the plot to focus on something more important:

“Why are the Twins so cynical about love?” I asked Damien

Oh my god, I don’t think the Casts could have come up with something I could have cared less about. The Twins are fucking irritating and so poorly developed they don’t even have one character between the two of them. Why the fuck do we need to learn about their boy troubles when literally everything else that has ever happened in these books thus far would be more interesting? Wow, that is a low bar.

[Ariel says: I can't even imagine these characters dating someone while the other is single because they're pretty much in a relationship themselves. I feel like they need to be sister-wives or something.] 

On the plus side, this is a gold mine of authorial intent fuck-ups.

“Yeah, the Twins are hard on guys. It’s like they double-time them,” Stevie Rae said.

Dear Casts. “Double-timing” does not mean what you think it does in this context. However, Zoey is the one who’s double-timing guys!

“Do you remember when Thor asked Erin out?” [...]
“Yeah, she called him a lemur. You know, like the moronic lemurs in that Disney movie,” Stevie Rae said, laughing.

Or, like, lemurs, as a whole.

“Walter went out with Shaunee a total of two and a half dates. Then, right in the middle of Starbucks, she called him a Pentium 3 processor,” Damien said.
I gave him a totally clueless look.
“Z, we’re up to Pentium 5 processors now.”

I feel like the quality of that insult says way more about how sharp Shaunee is than it does about the guy.

Yes, a gif from “It’s All About The Pentiums” WOULD have been way more appropriate, but the internet doesn’t seem to have tapped into that one yet.

“How’s it look, Zoey?” [Drew, the jock character whose only defining trait is appearing out of nowhere to inexplicably have the hots for Stevie Rae] asked without taking his eyes from Stevie Rae. [...]
“Looks good,” I said.
“Doesn’t look too bad from here, either,” Shaunee said, giving Drew a look up and down.
“Ditto, Twin,” Erin said, waggling her eyebrows at Draw.

Wait, since when is eyebrow waggling sexy?

This is pretty much how I’m seeing this one.

[Ariel says: Since you posted that gif, Matt. We literally just witnessed the moment it became sexy. Momentous!] 

Zoey concludes that “Clearly it’s going to take a couple of really special guys to date the Twins,” which might be the only time I’ll ever agree with Zoey on anything, even if we’re technically using different definitions of “special”. Seriously. “Eyebrow waggling”. What a doofus.

Naturally, Zoey’s main reason for ending the conversation about barely-even-characters Erin and Shaunee’s love lives (aside from the obvious) is so we can talk about her some more. Zoey ditches her friends so she can go study in the library, even though it’s a Saturday night and, as Zoey helpfully points out for us, “only total dorks spent Saturday night” there – presumably in a way that’s empathetic for earth or sincere for spirit, of course. Speaking of those ideals Zoey totally embodies, Zoey’s doing research for the circle she has to cast at the Dark Daughters ritual, because apparently now she’s nervous about her circle-casting abilities all of a sudden:

Okay, sure. I’d cast one circle with my friends a month ago as a little experiment to see if I really had an affinity for the elements [...] Not that I’m totally cynical or anything, but please. Just please (as the Twins would say). Being able to tap into the power of the five elements was pretty bizarre. I mean, my life wasn’t an X-Men movie (although I’d definitely like to spend some quality time with Wolverine).

Every now and again I feel the need to just put an entire paragraph of this book in this post, to remind you just how painful reading this book is, and to remind any job-hunting readers we may have that St. Martin’s Press probably has really low standards for editors.

Zoey feels it’s her duty to make the Dark Daughters’ ceremonies less “ho-ish” than Aphrodite did. In comparison, Zoey starts dwelling on how she’s currently involved with three guys:

Okay, I’d been kissing and messing around a little with Erik some during the past month. Yes, I liked it. No, it hadn’t gone very far. One reason was that despite recent evidence to the contrary, I didn’t usually act like a slut. [...] I didn’t want there to be any confusion on Erik’s part that I was definitely not a stank slut like Aphrodite the Ho. (I ignored the memory of my rubbing the bulge in Heath’s pants.)

The real question is why we’re getting a recap of this, because it suggests that there are other things happening in the book. Of course, another good question is why we’re supposed to see Zoey as a likeable main character when she’s spent a book and a half calling a girl who danced seductively and tried to give a guy a blow job once a “ho” and a “stank slut” while she lets herself off the hook for wanting to cheat on her boyfriend with one guy and actually cheating on her boyfriend with another guy with “but I don’t usually act like a slut”. But I feel like I’ve asked that question a gajillion bazillion times by now, and we’re only on book two of twelve.

I know you’ve seen this movie, PC and Kristin Cast. Your books are exactly like it, except shit.

Speaking of the guy she wants to cheat on her boyfriend with (except he’s not really her boyfriend, so it’s okay), Zoey turns her thoughts towards her high school teacher (except he’s not really her high school teacher, so it’s okay):

Loren had made me feel like a woman – not an inexperienced nervous girl, which is how I tended to feel around Erik.

When? When is this ever how she described herself feeling around Erik? Last I heard (again and again), the way she feels around Erik is “Gee, I hope he doesn’t think I’m a slut”.

Zoey wishes she could talk to someone about her problems with juggling three men at the same time. Okay, Zoey. I’ll give you that one. That is probably a hard one to find people who will give a shit about how this is tough for you. Of course, this is Zoey we’re talking about, so she’s really having trouble figuring out who she can talk to:

I wasn’t about to tell an adult vamp about Loren.

Because he’d be arrested? [Ariel says: Bloggers can dream.]

Stevie Rae? She was my best friend [but] I didn’t think she’d understand – not really.

Is… is Zoey reverse-slut shaming now? Oh my god, what the fuck kind of median do you have to hit between chastity and promiscuity to be in this person’s good graces?

I couldn’t tell Grandma.

Zoey, you’re not even trying. [Ariel says: But actually that would be the best and worst conversation in this entire book, and that is saying a lot. Need I remind you of the bomb threat and Nature's Jihad.]

Suddenly Zoey realizes who it’d make sense for her to talk to. It’d be a good idea if you significantly altered your definition of “sense” at this moment.

Ironically, I realized who the one person was who would not be freaked out about the blood, and would definitely understand about the lust and such – Aphrodite.

Sure, Zoey. Sure. And why is that?

I had a feeling

Because this chapter just won’t give up on making high school romance seem like an interesting story, Zoey opens a book she was going to use for research and finds a haiku, the sexiest of all forms of poetry. OMG BUT WHO WROTE IT?

For Zoey

Alluring Priestess.
Night can’t cloak your scarlet dream.
Accept Desire’s call.

Zoey wonders if Loren really wrote the haiku, or if it might be Aphrodite trying to set her up. I wonder if the Casts know that by having the greatest poet in the vampyre world exclusively write haiku, they’re just drawing attention to what untalented writers they are. [Ariel says: Vampyres just have a really low standard for poetry, I guess. Which is weird given they have eternity to perfect their craft.] 

For those of you that have defied the odds and actually looked forward to BBGT (or at least half of BBGT) doing Entwined With You, your time has finally come. [Matthew says: But I'm still going to be here on Ariel's posts, adding my two cents and dick jokes.] In case you forgot, the last book ended with Eva discovering that Gideon had murdered Nathan, Eva’s rapist stepbrother who repeatedly sexually abused her as a child. So, you know, a generally loveable and affable fellow whose loss will be felt throughout the world.

Not to mention it was Detective Graves who revealed all this to Eva and was like, “Damn it, Eva I can’t prove Gideon murdered Nathan, but here is how everything went down blow by blow. I also don’t even really want to prove I’m right because the power of your love has moved me despite my surly and hardened exterior!” So obviously super believable and realistic all around. [Matthew says: Basically, the psychologist scene from Psycho, which was everyone's favorite.]

Chapter 1

We open with Eva in a cab, contemplating how she really walks to talk to someone about her understandably complex feelings about her boyfriend having murdered someone for her. Granted, in the last book she appeared to have no complicated feelings about this whatsoever, but I guess Sylvia Day needed some way to get the ball rolling with this book. [Matthew says: Or she realized it was really fucking unbelievable.]

In case you’re wondering where all the sex is, here’s why Eva has just left Gideon’s apartment.

I’d left Gideon alone because I couldn’t trust Graves’s motives. I couldn’t take the chance that she’d told me her suspicions just to see if I’d run to him and prove that his breakup with me was a well-crafted lie.

Isn’t believing in true love motivation enough for you, Eva? I don’t think the motivations of people in this universe get much more complicated than that. [Matthew says: Certainly not in the Crossfire universe.]

You know, I almost applauded Eva for questioning this detective’s motives, but the fact is Eva did run right over to Gideon’s right after their conversation! Unless Graves bugged Eva during their Krav Maga class, which let’s face it, no one in this book is smart enough to do, Graves would have no way of knowing what kind of conversation Eva and Gideon were having in that apartment. This is just a contrived way for us to get Eva in a car alone thinking Gideon’s name dramatically. Seriously. Here is a direct quote.

Gideon

Moving stuff.

Moments later, as Eva is about to step into her apartment, a reporter stops her and asks if she’d like to talk about Gideon Cross. Jesus, Day, let me settle back into this book before throwing this kind of shit at me again:

A rock settled in the bottom of my stomach. She was so exactly Gideon’s type—tall, slender, dark-haired, and golden-skinned. So very unlike me.
“Are you sure you want to go down this road?” I asked quietly, intuitively certain she’d fucked my man at some point in the past. “He isn’t someone I’d want to cross.” (Gideon Cross.)

It’s a known rule in these kinds of books that any time you meet an attractive woman, she has probably fucked your man at some point in the past.

Within two more paragraphs, the book reminds us of both Dr. Terrance Lucas (evil doctor who helped covered up Gideon’s past sexual abuse) and Brett Kline (Eva’s ex-boyfriend who wrote a super romantic song about how amazing her blowjobs are and how much he misses her [Matthew says: You can even watch my rendition of that song, because, seriously, that song.]). Guess maybe they’ll show up again! The thing is, the way we’re reminded of them is so forced and doesn’t make too much sense.  I’ll paraphrase:

Reporter Lady: Talk to me about Gideon! My motives may be unclear, but damn it, we need our revenge.
Eva: No thanks, I’m cool.

Reporter: Gideon can’t do what he wants just becuz he has money!
Eva (thinks): Hmmm Dr. Terrance Lucas said something like that to me once…
Eva says: No, I’m still cool.
Reporter: Well, not all of us have a rockstar boyfriend to fall back on :((((
Eva (thinks): She must be referring to Brett Kline. The man who wrote the blowjob song about me! [Matthew says: ...who is not her boyfriend so... reporter lady really showed up out of nowhere to suddenly be an antagonist.]

Deanna, the reporter in question, says everyone’s got a dark side [Matthew says: Her reporting is getting dramatically more subjective as this scene goes on.] and that she thinks Eva will be able to give her some dirt on Gideon. Eva tells her maybe they’ll talk some other time, so she has the option to keep tabs on dis bitch.

Eva takes a shower, and when she gets out, Gideon is there waiting for her.

I’d given him a key, but he owned the building. Getting to me without leaving a trail that could be followed was possible with that advantage … just as he’d been able to get to Nathan.

Yes, that’s exactly the sort of comparison you want to make about your boyfriend, one that inspires confidence and comfort I’m sure.

Eva and Gideon tensely discuss their desperate need for one another and how they can’t breathe when they’re apart, and Eva admits to us that she must be twisted because she just doesn’t care he murdered her awful stepbrother. Guess her feelings weren’t so complicated after all. [Matthew says: Much like my feelings about not wanting to read this book myself.] They agree to hide the murder together, and Eva is like, “I felt a little weird that we were colluding to cover up a murder, but that’s what relationships and true love are all about, so it’s totes fine, and now it’s time to drop my towel and bone Gideon.”

And with that the first boning of Entwined With You officially begins, because nothing, and I mean nothing, is sexier than some good old fashioned colluding.

While Ariel’s reading Entwined with You (a recently released novel about a woman and the rich, powerful, and incredibly controlling man who falls in love with her [Ariel says: My thighs are already quivering in anticipation.]), I’m going to be reading Pamela (an 18th century novel about a woman and the rich, powerful, and incredibly controlling man who falls in love with her). In case you missed what I had to say about Pamela last week when we announced our side-by-side reading of Entwined with You and Pamela, here’s the most important context:

Pamela, or Virtue Rewarded is a strange beast. Published in 1740, its proximity to the development of the novel as a literary form means that it still shows up on college syllabi not so infrequently, but modern critics have observed that it’s really more like the 18th century Fifty Shades of Grey, because it’s an overwritten love story between a controlling man who falls in love with a barely developed female protagonist for no clear reason, and pretty much nothing happens. So we thought it would be fun if while Ariel read Entwined with You (the most recent and most prominent Fifty Shades imitator), I read Pamela, and we all learned just how little misogyny dressed up as badly-written romance has changed in the last 300 years.

Much like Fifty Shades right now, Pamela has its supporters (academia, for some weird reason) amongst a larger dismissal of its actual value. As the editors of the edition I’m reading from say in their introduction:

[Samuel Richardson's] first novel, Pamela, published in 1740 to a storm of controversy, is written in the voice of a virtuous young servant who resists and denounces her oppressive master until, apparently reformed, he makes her his obedient wife.

Wait, where have we heard this before?

I must have heard this fifty times before.

It’s the same goddamn shit! It is absolutely baffling that there are people – some of whom include people who study literature for a living – who think this is a classic, in what should be an embarrassingly similar way to how people think Fifty Shades is a classic now. [Ariel says: God, why everybody be tripping!] The plot is just emotional abuse masquerading as “risque” romance? Check! People celebrate its undeveloped female lead for her strong character, even though thinking about it for about three seconds reveals that her power is largely illusory? Check! It’s hundreds and hundreds of pages of the same scenes and conversations over and over again? Check!

And that brings us to the fun part we’ll be doing on Bad Books, Good Times. It’s eroticabuse from 1740 vs eroticabuse from 2013! Which will be more misogynistic? No, seriously, which will be more misogynistic? I could see this going either way. Let’s find out!

We joke that we’re “SparkNotes for Smartasses”, but Pamela actually doesn’t have SparkNotes. People could legitimately be reading this blog now to “do” the reading for class.

Preface by the Editor

So the first thing you need to know about Pamela is that it’s an epistolary novel, which is a fancy English major term for a novel presented as a series of letters. [Ariel says: Knowing nothing about this book. I can only assume these letters read exactly like the text messages and emails between Christian and Ana.] Presenting itself as “real”, the novel is composed of a series of letters written by Pamela, which is introduced by the “Editor”, who is the actual author, Samuel Richardson, explaining his premise as though he were simply the editor of someone else’s work. Don’t worry. This is the last interesting idea that appears in the whole goddamn thing.

If to divert and entertain, and at the same time to instruct, and improve the minds of the youth of both sexes:

Oh, fuck, this is going to be preachy. [Ariel asks: Does this mean we have another, secondary competition? Which book is preachier, Betrayed or Pamela?] [Matthew adds: Everybody loses.]

Letter I

Dear Father and Mother,
I have great trouble, and some comfort to acquaint you with. The trouble is, that my good lady died of the illness I mentioned to you, and left us all much grieved for the loss of her

And thus, we are introduced to Pamela’s problems! Pamela is a servant whose master has just died. This leaves her in a bit of turmoil, since working for a lady has left her only with skills suitable for employment at similar social statuses, and those jobs aren’t easy to come by. 18th century working class first world problems, huh?

Until, of course, a man happens. In case you were wondering if Pamela would pass the Bechdel Test.

For my master [Her new master, who is her old master's son. Oh, you 18th century people just throwing around titles and identities all willy-nilly! You cray!] said, I will take care of you all, my good maidens; and for you, Pamela, (and took me by the hand; yes, he took my hand before them all)

BEFORE THEM ALL? Holy shit! [Ariel says: No time was wasted before we skipped right to the sexy and scandalous.] An upper-class man taking the working-class girl by the hand? No wonder this caused such controversy in 1740. Whatever could he say to her now that he has done something so shocking as to hold her hand?

for my dear mother’s sake, I will be a friend to you, and you shall take care of my linen.

Linen???

And it’s already as sexy as Fifty Shades of Grey.

Pamela tells her parents in her letter that all will be well, because this kind man is surely looking after her well-being, despite his being so bold as to touch her on the hand, and thus finishes her letter:

Pray for your Pamela; who will ever be
Your most dutiful DAUGHTER.
I have been scared out of my senses; for just now, as I was folding up this letter in my late lady’s dressing-room, in comes my young master! Good sirs! how was I frightened!

So right after Pamela writes her letter, she has an interaction with her Master, but because time passes independently of Pamela writing her story out in a letter, it just jumps straight to a postscript, like, “Hey, speak of the devil! Guess what just happened!” Sure, it seems kind of cool now, but wait until Pamela starts running into closets in the middle of conversations to write ten page letters, like a normal person totally would. Then let’s see what that does for Pamela‘s contributions to realism in the Western canon, academics.

I went to hide the letter in my bosom

This will not be the last time Pamela hides a letter in her bosom. Not… not even remotely…

He reads her letter, and tells Pamela to fear not, for he is not angry, but advises her “to be wary what tales you send out of a family”. Well, that wasn’t too harmless! Our bland leading lady has met the imposing leading man and no one even comically fell on their face. This doesn’t seem so bad so far.

Letter II

BUT YOU WOULD BE MISTAKEN, BECAUSE THE PATRIARCHY:

Dear Pamela,
You letter was indeed a great trouble, and some comfort, to me and your poor mother. [...] I hope the good ‘squire has no design [...] Why should he take such a poor girl as you by the hand, as your letter says he has done twice?

Pamela’s father responds to her letter, and has some… very specific concerns…

Why should he stoop to read your letter to us; and commend your writing and spelling?

Well, clearly, he just wants to bone you. He commended your spelling! [Ariel says: They just don't make em like they used to. My boyfriend never complements my spelling :( ] 

We are, ’tis true, very poor, and find it hard enough to live [...] but the loss of our dear child’s virtue would be a grief that we could not bear

Spoiler: “virtue” means “virginity”. This is basically 500 pages of “don’t lose your virginity!”

If, then, you love us, [...] if you find the least attempt made upon your virtue, be sure you leave every thing behind you, and come away to us; for we had rather see you all covered with rags, and even follow you to the churchyard, than have it said, a child of ours preferred any worldly conveniences to her virtue.

Also, wow, Pamela’s dad. I get that it’s the 18th century and feminism wasn’t invented yet or whatever, but you could maybe loosen up on this “We would rather you died than get sexually assaulted by a dude. Love, mom and dad” stance. [Ariel says: I am definitely missing something. Where is all of this even coming from? I guess taking her by the hand is a bigger deal and/or indicator of sexual assault than I ever would have imagined.] [Matthew adds: It's coming from two places, 1) the patriarchy, in general (and the 18th century patriarchy to boot! That's a pretty intense patriarchy), and 2) their differences in social class (we'll get into this more in a bit).]

Letters III-V

Pamela writes back that her parents should trust her honesty, and assures them that her master, and even the housekeeper (Mrs. Jervis) and all the other servants are all very affable and civil to her, and “they can’t all have designs against me,” because that’s totally not all going to go to shit. The master’s sister, Lady Davers, visits. There’s some talk that Pamela might go work for her (so long as Pamela heeds her advice to stay away from boys because she is a pretty wench – oh, 18th century), but please we know what’s up. Realizing she’s probably staying with her master, Pamela comes up with another reason why everything will be just fine that we – especially us 21st century readers – haven’t thought of yet:

I am sure my master would not demean himself, so as to think upon such a poor girl as I, for my harm. For such a thing would ruin his credit, as well as mine

Because, you know, they have social class to worry about!

She’s totally safe because he’d totally have to debase himself to pursue her, because she’s all working class and gross! Georgian Era one, 21st century zero! And how about that Pamela, totally holding her own as a woman in the 18th century. Look at all that power she yields by being of a lower class. Groundbreaking shit, right here. [Ariel says: It's funny, in the Crossfire series, Eva is always quick to point out that she totally can't just want Gideon for her money because she is totally super rich too and doesn't even care about money (except when she uses it to buy a sick apartment in New York.) Look at all the power Eva holds by having her stepfather's money and not Gideon's!] [Matthew adds: Crossfire isn't sexist! Just classist! Much better!]

Letters VI-VIII

Pamela writes to her parents that her master gave her some of her late lady’s old silk clothes. Naturally, everyone loses their shit over this, because the 18th century was really boring. But soon enough, Pamela must write to her parents again and tell of a far more shocking and scandalous gift her master has given her:

I was inwardly ashamed to take the stockings

THE PLOT’S REALLY MOVING NOW. Haha, just kidding. Nothing ever happens in this book.

he smiled at my awkwardness, and said, Don’t blush, Pamela: Dost think I don’t know pretty maids should wear shoes and stockings?

I wonder what kind of answer one would have for that!

there was no answer to be made to this

Oh. Okay. I… I guess these stockings are a really big deal. [Ariel says: This seems like the equivalent of telling your parents your boyfriend just bought you a sexy new bra from Victoria's Secret. Just why, Pamela, why are you telling them this?] 

I must double my diligence.

Holy shit, Pamela, we’re talking about socks. As you might have imagined, if you thought Pamela was freaking out, her dad is super pissed about the stockings.

Dear Pamela,
I cannot but renew my cautions on your master’s kindness, and his free expression to you about the stockings.

I wonder if he can segue from this conversation about stockings to how she should kill herself rather than lose her virginity.

Arm yourself, my dear child, for the worst; and resolve to lose your life sooner than your virtue.

Oh, good. I was worried he wouldn’t have been able to get that supportive message to her twice.

Be sure don’t let people [tell] you, you are pretty [...] for you did not make yourself, and so can have no praise due to you for it. It is virtue and goodness only, that make the true beauty.

It’s like this, except with virginity. Eighteenth century!

Letters IX-X

“Okay, Matthew,” you might be thinking. “The stockings are all well and good, but this master guy is hardly up to any Christian Grey controlling/emotional abuse shit yet.” Well, get… excited? Is excited the right word? What are you guys getting out of reading this blog anyway?

to be sure, now it is too plain, that all your cautions were well grounded. [...] This very gentleman (yes, I must call him gentleman, though he has fallen from the merit of that title) has degraded himself to offer freedoms to his poor servant!

Shoot. You mean that thing about him demeaning himself and ruining his credit didn’t work? Dang! This sounds pretty serious! What did he do?

somebody stole my letter, and I know not what has become of it. It was a very long one. [...] I will tell you all, the next opportunity, for I am watched very narrowly

“I have to write you a letter about how I can’t write you a letter about what a jerk this guy is because he’s reading my letters and then he’ll know I think he’s a jerk.” Yes, Pamela. Better safe than sorry.

Letter XI

Pamela writes that she and Mrs. Jervis were in the summer-house in the garden, and when Mrs. Jervis went away for a moment, her master came in. She tried to leave (because of social class) but he told her had something to say to her (because what the whaaaat).

Because you are a little fool, and know now what’s good for yourself. I tell you I will make a gentlewoman of you, if you be obliging [...] and so saying, he put his arm about me, and kissed me!

Start taking bets on how many Downton Abbey gifs I wind up using throughout Pamela.

(You may have noticed they didn’t really do quotation marks back then, so I’m gonna go ahead and edit this next part so it makes more sense to a modern reader:)
And he said, “I’ll do you no harm, Pamela; don’t be afraid of me.”
I said, “I won’t stay.”
“You won’t, hussy?” said he. “Do you know whom you speak to?”

Guys, tell me this doesn’t read almost exactly like Fifty Shades of Grey, even with the outdated language (and outdated gender roles, I should point out I guess). Female character says, “No, I don’t want to do that”, male character gets angry and says, “You won’t? BUT [BLAH BLAH I AM A MAN MY UNDERSTANDING OF THE PATRIARCHY IS CONFUSED BLAH BLAH]“. Rinse, lather, repeat. If I told you this was an excerpt from Fifty Shades:

“I’ll do you no harm, Miss Steele. Don’t be afraid of me.”
I said, “I won’t stay.”
“You won’t, hussy?” Christian murmured. “Do you know whom you speak to?”

You’d probably believe me, yeah? And probably not just because I’ve established myself as such a reliable voice in the field of Fifty Shades of Grey mockery on the internet.

I mean, that face just screams “reliability”.

But we’re only just diving into the rabbit hole. Let’s see just how bad the sexism and misogyny and heteronormativity look in this new trend of “erotic” “literature” when held up against the sexism and misogyny and heteronormativity of a book that was written almost three centuries ago.

Yeah, I’m probably going to be using this gif a lot too.

Anyway, Pamela’s parents must get a ton of mail.

Hey, readers! Have you ever asked yourself, “Wow, how long have I been reading Bad Books, Good Times for?” Because as of the 20th, the highest answer you have for that will be two years. This means that 1) you know who’s lying when they say how long they’ve been reading for, and 2) it is time for our annual ASK US ANYTHING celebration we just decided was an annual thing!

Much like last year, the rules are very simple: ask us a question, and we will answer it. To ask a question, you have all these great, convenient options!

1. Leave a question as a comment on this post! You’re already here! How easy is that?
2. Ask us on our Facebook! That’s what the kids are doing these days!
3. If you’re very concise, you can tweet it at us!
4. Ask us on our group on GoodReads! I set up a discussion just for the occasion!
5. Don’t leave a comment on our YouTube channel. I will literally never see it.

What should you ask? Anything. Ask us anything silly or serious about the blog or about us! You could ask us questions like:

1. Who is our most hated character in one of the books we’ve read?
2. Do our significant others’ parents know we run a blog reading erotic fiction? How do they feel about that?
3. Why didn’t any of Mitt Romney’s SuperPACs run ads during the summer months when the Romney campaign had run out of eligible funding to spend before the official nomination to respond to the attack ads the Obama campaign used to dominate the summer months?
4. What are the answers to your math homework? We got your back, readers!
5. What book are you reading next? No, come on, guys. Be creative.

But why are we doing this? Because we have the best readers ever, and we only hope our posts entertain all of you the way your comments entertain us! So we can’t think of a better way to celebrate than to cut out the middleman and just all write some jokes together! Or answer some genuine questions you might have about the blog, how we run it, and how we sleep at night mocking the people simply trying to share their stories with the world (answer: because their stories suck).

Ask us anything!

We have a short, transitional scene in The Room this week. Lisa calls Mark, who makes this face for the entire scene.

It is a riveting scene.

The conversation does not get off to a great start, but not for the reason you might expect! Maybe. Do you even expect things anymore at this point in The Room? Is that the right verb?

Lisa: I miss you.
Mark: I just saw you. What are you talking about?

Oh, Tommy Wiseau. Only you can make such extreme, antisocial cold-heartedness so hilarious. Usually the audience is laughing too much at that line to catch the next few lines of Seductive Lisa, but have no fear! They’re as hilarious as you would ever hope for!

Lisa: I just wanted to hear your sexy voice. I keep thinking about your strong hands on my body. It excites me so much. I love you.

Wow, that all escalated quickly! Sexy voice? Strong hands? Love? That’s a lot to take! How does Mark react to all of this?

Mark: Is Johnny there?
Lisa: He’s… in the shower.
Mark: (Sighs) I don’t understand you. Why do you do things like this?
Lisa: Because I love you. You just don’t care, do you?

That may not be the biggest problem Mark has with his illicit affair with his best friend’s back-stabbing fiance, but, you know, if that seems like a logical direction to take this conversation in to you…

Mark: I do care. But… we agreed! It’s over between us.
Lisa: I understand. It’s our secret. But I still have feelings for you! You just don’t care!
Mark: God! I do care!

Okay, is this going to keep going on like this? Because… I have things to do… This sounds like it could take a while.

Lisa: I have to go now.

Oh, good!

Lisa: I’ll see you later, darling.

So… they didn’t agree to meet up again for sexytimes, much less, you know, meet up. Maybe she’s just talking about the next time they all hang out with all their friends? And also calling him darling? Maybe? Let’s see if that’s how Mark interpreted it.

Mark: (monotone) Don’t call me that.

…maybe? How does Lisa respond to his unquestionably stern dismissal?

Lisa: (cheerful) Okay, bye!

Well, this is a crapshoot.