Damien and Stevie Rae might have new love interests. [Matthew says: In compliance with Rule 17B-ii of young adult fiction that every single character must eventually get a love interest.] The gang prepares for the upcoming ritual. Zoey finds another creepy haiku from Loren, which she thinks is super romantic and not at all disturbing. [Matthew says: Incidentally, you guys wrote some hilarious haiku last week. Keep being awesome readers!]

Chapter 16

Zoey needlessly worries about the upcoming ritual. This seems to be a ritual in and of itself that every time she’s about to lead a ritual (and let’s face is, those happen about twenty times per day at the House of Night) she worries about how it’s all going to play out. If we had ever seen a ritual go wrong for Zoey, or literally anything go wrong for Zoey, then maybe I could get behind her concern. But there is absolutely no tension here whatsoever to the point where I can’t figure out if there is less plot or tension right now.

Because Zoey knows how to really shift seamlessly from one interesting topic to the next, she talks more about the snow. Which means it’s time for More Fun Facts About Vampyres Which Make Science LOL!

Now I knew more about what I was becoming, so I understood that my protection against the cold was more about a heightened metabolism than about being undead. Vampyres aren’t dead. They’re just Changed. It was humans who liked to fuel the scary myth of the walking dead, which I was be ginning to find more than slightly annoying.

[Matthew says: Hey, wouldn't you know it, I made a note to talk about this too, because I need to use my biology major for something every now and again. So here's why this fake vampyre-science doesn't make any sense. True, heightened metabolism would mean you have a higher temperature which would make you less vulnerable to the cold. As we learned last time I tore apart some fake science in one of these books, this doesn't just happen, however; you need to have more energy to do this. If metabolism increases, that requires more energy, which means that you need to eat more food, which is not something we've seen any of the vampyres do in this book ever. If anything, we've seen Zoey going on rants against overeating during one of her rants on marijuana where she was all, "Why would you want to do something that just makes you want to eat more?". Much like, say, being a vampyre...]

I know you were all expecting me to use the Breaking Bad gif of our beloved Jesse Pinkman, but not this time! Look how unpredictable BBGT has become!!!

At least less predictable than Betrayed, but those standards are admittedly very very low. The book is so predictable that Zoey goes back to discussing the upcoming ritual, and I swear I’ve typed that very same sentence at least forty million times while blogging about this series. FORTY MILLION, DON’T ARGUE WITH ME.

I needed to go by the school spells and rituals store and get some eucalyptus. From what I’d read in the old ritual book, eucalyptus was associated with healing, protection, and purification—three things I thought important to evoke during my first ritual as leader of the Dark Daughters. I supposed I could get the eucalyptus tomorrow, but I was going to need it knotted into a rope as part of the spell I planned to cast…

Yeah, okay, but why the fuck do they need to be tied into knots? And “they just need to be, okay???” is not a legit answer. Neither is, “becuz it symbolizes unity or something.”

The truth is, there probably is no explanation for the burning question of why the eucalyptus must be tied into fucking knots, because this is just a contrived reason to get Zoey to turn around and see a hooded figure “heading in the general direction of the rec hall, but was cutting across the far lawn” and who is “moving with inhuman speed, cloak billowing behind them wildly in the snow-filled wind so that the figure appeared to have wings. Red? Did I see scarlet flashes against glimpses of white skin?“

Zoey follows the mysterious figure for the same, and only, reason she ever does anything. She has a feeling that she should do it. [Matthew says: If only she also had a feeling that she should actually do something about these things too.] I seriously can’t decide which is worse: the eucalyptus excuse or the Zoey’s-gut-made-her-do it one.

It turns out the mysterious figure is going to meet Neferet, and Zoey spies on them. She can’t really make out what Neferet is saying, and all of the snippets Zoey does manage to hear are pretty meaningless. Basically something is too dangerous and someone needs to obey her (presumably the hooded figure.)

“You promised!”
The guttural sound of the mystery man’s voice had my skin crawling. I peeked out from behind the tree in time to see Neferet raise her hand as if she was going to strike him. He cowered back against the wall, causing the hood to fall from his face, and my stomach clenched so hard I thought I might throw up.
It was Elliott. The dead kid whose “ghost” [Matthew says: But not a "spirit", because those are different for some unexplained reason.] had attacked Nala and me last month.

Finally something in this book happens that 1) surprises me and 2) kind of interests me. I’m sure it won’t go anywhere, but a girl can hope. Also, does this mean the Neferet-is-evil story is going to happen sooner than we expected? I thought it wouldn’t be for another book or two. [Matthew says: Thank god the Casts are actually focusing on the Neferet-is-evil story in this book and postponing the Zoey-bangs-a-dude story to the next one. Yay priorities!]

“You may not have any more! The time is not right. You cannot understand such things, and you may not question me. Now leave here. If you disobey me again you will feel my wrath, and the wrath of a goddess is terrible to behold.”

I’m going to go ahead and guess he may not have any more football players to eat. There’s a chance I’m wrong, but I don’t care, I’m a rebel without a cause, just throwing predictions out when I damn well please. [Matthew says: Hey, I called the "Neferet is evil" twist not from any kind of foreshadowing or anything, but from a plot hole. We're one for one so far!]

It was him; I knew it was. Even though his voice was rough I recognized it. Somehow Elliott had not died, and he had not Changed into an adult vampyre. He was something else. Something terrible.

There you have just witnessed the most well-written, not shitty sequence of sentences in this whole series. It actually captures that something creepy and ominous is going on without an aside from Zoey being like, “Something terrible – like when they get your order wrong at Starbucks or Nicole Kidman’s face.” (I don’t have anything against Nicole Kidman, I just vaguely remember Zoey making a weird, mean reference about her in the past.) Anyway, I know my standards are super super low for this book, but well done, Casts. I didn’t hate this part of the book.

Even as I thought how disgusting he was, Neferet’s expression softened. “I do not wish to be angry with my children. You know that you are my greatest joys.”

Oh dang, Neferet may be creepier when we thought.

I want her to turn out to be as creepy as possible. Then I will put an applauding gif non-sarcastically in a post. Then and only then.

On a separate note, I love how immediately Zoey goes back to judging Elliot as though it’s his fault he is a creepy unnatural being. So judgmental. [Matthew says: PRIORITIES, WOMAN.]

Next, Zoey watches as Neferet allows Elliot to drink from her, and she’s understandably grossed out by the situation.

When she held out her arm, offering it to Elliott, I pressed against the rough bark of the tree, forcing myself to stay still and hidden as he fell to his knees before her and, while he made feral grunts and moans, began to suck Neferet’s blood. I tore my eyes from him to look at Neferet. She’d thrown her head back and her lips were parted as if having the grotesque Elliott creature suck the blood from her arm was a sexual experience.

DANG, YO. It’s so gross and I love it. Keep going there, book, keep going there. So narsty and not boring as fuck. [Matthew says: Why did we have to read half a book of "This boy likes me, but this boy also likes me, and furthermore THIS boy likes me too!" before we got to this point where something concerning vampyres happens in this vampyre book?]

Zoey starts to realize that this is giving her a hankering for some blood too, so she flees the scene. Not to go get blood or anything, but because this whole thing is gross. How could she be hungry after witnessing that? If I saw someone eating a burrito bowl in a really similar context (don’t worry about the specifics) I would be like, “I never want a burrito bowl again. At least not for an hour.” So I don’t understand how this could make Zoey crave blood, but whatever floats your boat, gurl.

Don’t forget we’re taking your questions for our annual ask us anything anniversary celebration! Until there’s a way to share cake via the internet, this is what we’ll have to do.

Chapter 17

Having seen undead zombie-ghost Elliot a second time – this time conspiring with a suddenly very evil-seeming Neferet – Zoey acknowledges that she finally has to pay attention to this subplot. [Ariel says: And I guess since boyz aren't back to distract her, she really doesn't have any choice but to pay attention to this subplot.]

and there was much rejoicing

But first all of Zoey’s friends tell her about a snowball fight she missed out on. [Ariel says: Why do they keep brining up the fucking snow? We get it. It snowed. Move on!]

“Yeah, Z, you missed on hellacious wicked fight,” Erin said.

But, lo, Zoey has other matters on her mind than the snowball fight, hellacious though it may have been. Now, to be fair, I’m probably being a little harsh right now. Contrasting how carefree her friends are with the weighty matters on Zoey’s mind is a pretty effective device for establishing a fragile sense of normalcy, a calm before the storm. Or it would be if the Casts didn’t fuck it up.

It was like I was inside a fishbowl in the middle of a typhoon, and everyone else was on the outside cluelessly enjoying lovely weather.

No they’re not. They’re in a fucking typhoon.

Anyway, Zoey finally tells her friends about the trivial matter that is the undead kids walking around. And it only took her a book and a half!

“Damien, has there ever been a case of a fledgling who seemed to have died, but later was found alive?”
To his credit, Damien didn’t freak or ask me if I had gone insane. I could feel that the Twins and Stevie Rae were staring at me like I’d just announced I was going to be on Girls Gone Wild: Vamp Edition

[Ariel says: I can safely say that is a video I hope no one ever has to see no matter how vile a person they are.] 

Stevie Rae initially worries that Zoey’s worried she’s starting to reject the Change and will die. Zoey assuages her worries and reveals that she saw Elliott, who died last month, and then Stevie Rae mentions that Zoey thought she saw the ghost of Elizabeth, who also died last month. Suddenly, Zoey realizes that she can’t tell any of them about what she saw with Neferet, which I guess is fair, but come on. She decides to lie to Damien (and the Twins, I guess, but who fucking cares) about what she saw to avoid that part of the story, but does so in a way that completely negates going to him for help at all:

No way could my four friends walk around school knowing that I’d seen [Neferet] letting some kind of disgusting undead Elliott creature suck her blood without Neferet knowing everything in their freaked-out minds. [...] “tonight I think I saw Elliot’s [ghost],” I finally said.
Damien frowned. “If you saw ghosts why did you ask me about fledglings recovering from rejecting the Change?”

Yeah, Zoey. Now he can’t help at all. I don’t understand why Zoey couldn’t have come up with a lie that didn‘t change the detail that Elliott is undead, because that’s the only important one. Hell, she doesn’t even have to make something up! She already has an undead Elliott story WITHOUT Neferet, because he attacked her on his own once before! Zoey’s incompetence is needlessly stalling the plot, like the Casts want to drag this out for as long as possible and/or ignore their only interesting subplot. I can’t wait to read a dozen more chapters of Zoey making out with three different guys before she returns to this issue again!

Out of gratitude that Damien was the only one to not mock her seemingly-insane question, Zoey immediately mocks him:

I stared at the TV [...] while Damien droned on and on about old vamp ghosts.

I could put this gif in every single post for every single book we read, really.

Things go from bad to worse when the lead story on that evening’s news is the discovery of a second dead high school student, whose cause of death was determined to be blood loss through multiple lacerations.

Damien said what we were all thinking. “Someone is trying to make it look like vampyres are killing human kids.”
“Maybe they are.” I hadn’t actually meant to speak my thought aloud, and pressed my lips closed, immediately sorry I’d let that slip.
“Why would you say that, Zoey?” Stevie Rae sounded utterly shocked.

Dang, Zo, if only there was a better story you could have told your friends about the undead vampyre zombie ghosts so they’d understand what the hell you’re talking about. Too bad there totally isn’t. Nope. Too bad. Luckily, her friends chalk it up to Zoey being freaked out because she knew the high schoolers who have died.

Damien was studying me again. “Did you have a feeling about Brad before you heard he was dead, Zoey?” he asked quietly.
“Yes. No.” I sighed. “I thought he was dead as soon as I heard he’d been taken,” I admitted.
“Did any specifics come with the feeling?”

Holy shit! Is Damien calling out Zoey on her “feeling” or “just knowing” things as a bullshit way to advance the plot? Did Damien just become my new favorite character? If only we knew if he was gay or not; the Casts haven’t said anything for a whole chapter.

Ariel says: Buster Bluth can tell us! Yes, I did make this gif especially for Damien.

Feeling overwhelmed, Zoey decides to tell her friends she’s going to her room to work on her ritual for tomorrow. [Ariel says: When in doubt, ritual it out.] Stevie Rae follows her. Also, Stevie Rae’s probably gonna get killed off pretty soon. [Ariel says: Ug, Matt, did any *specifics* come with that feeling? Aside from the feeling of complete and utter predictability.] 

“Do you mind if I come back to the room now, too? I have a really bad headache. I really just want to sleep. [...]“
“No, I don’t mind,” I said quickly. I glanced at her. She did look kinda pale. Stevie Rae was so sensitive that even though she didn’t know Chris or Brad, their deaths were clearly upsetting her.

Or, based on her being the one concerned that Zoey’s body was rejecting the Change earlier, this is not-so-subtle foreshadowing that Stevie Rae’s rejecting the Change.

“Hey, everything’s gonna be okay.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m just tired.” She grinned up at me, but she didn’t sound as perky as usual.

Time to reminisce on our favorite Stevie Rae moments, guys! Like the time she… uh… Fuck. [Ariel says: I can't believe she's going to go before her time! What about the epic love story between her and that jock guy with the crush from a couple chapters ago? What will become of him??]

Previously, a reporter with a personal vendetta against Gideon (most likely for reasons of the boinging variety), tries to get Eva to spill some dirt on Gideon. Her timing is impeccable, because Eva has just discovered that Gideon murdered Nathan, Eva’s psychotic, sexually abusin’ stepbrother.

Gideon shows up at Eva’s apartment, and things got heated. No surprises there. Which brings us to the first of many repetitive sex scenes in Entwined with You. [Matthew says: None of which I will personally be reading! Just like you guys! Is this what reading the blog is like for you guys? This is fantastic.]

Chapter 2

Things pick up right where the first chapter left off.

I hooked my legs around his calves and shoved my hands beneath his waistband to grip his taut, hard ass.

His mouth was on my breast before I knew it, his lips soft and warm, the suction fast and greedy.

It sounds like Eva’s boobs have suddenly turned into slurpees since the last book.

It’s nice to know this series can ruin such a simple sexual act. Some things just never change <3. [Matthew says: See, I didn't get any gross Slurpee imagery out of that statement. The word "suction", however, did make me think of toilet plungers, so... there's that...]

“Eva. Let me …” He cupped my face, licking deep into my mouth. “Let me love you.”

Eva indeed lets Gideon love her, despite my loud and aggressive protests, and he starts to cry while he does it. Repeatedly, Eva tells us how she feels her desire “to her core” and then tells us, “He was so powerfully elegant, except for his penis, which was bluntly primal with its thick coursing veins and wide root.”

I love how when I first read that last quote all I initially saw was, “He was so powerfully elegant, except for his penis,” and I loled so hard. But then the end of the sentence is also pretty hilarious in that it is possibly the least appealing description of a penis I have ever read. Oh baby, I love your wide root. And those thick, coursing veins, my god. [Matthew says: Hearing "penis" and "wide root" in the same sentence very uncomfortably reminds me of this real commercial I found through a Cracked article.

I should probably mention it’s NSFW. You know, like the rest of this post about an erotic novel that you’re in the middle of reading.]

But it only gets hotter.

His sac, too, hung large and heavy.

Oh, baby, your sac. How it hangs. [Matthew says: I'm starting to suspect the implication here is that there is no part of Gideon's body that isn't some perfect display of primal masculinity. Maybe his uvula is hanging large and heavy too.]

Anyway, multiple orgasms all around! It always gets me that Eva’s like, “Gideon came, but he was still hard as a rock.” Sure he was, Eva, sure.

So I know when we read the last book, I was really adamant that I understood why Eva wouldn’t be upset about Nathan’s death and would totally be relieved. I still get that, but after some reflection, I do think she should maybe ruminate or come to terms more with the fact that Gideon is capable of murder. [Matthew says: Which ruined my suspension of disbelief so thoroughly I couldn't say anything else when I read it.] That changes how you view a person. I wouldn’t want to read chapter upon chapter of this, but I wouldn’t mind if Eva struggled with this a bit.

Instead of worrying about colluding to hide a murder or the murder itself, Eva worries about how they’re going to have to continue hiding their relationship for a bit. Just to be clear, she doesn’t care about hiding a murder, just hiding their relationship. [Matthew says: I still don't understand why they have to hide their relationship. I get that he doesn't want to raise suspicion, but I don't think Gideon and Eva either currently having or having had a relationship will really push suspicion towards Gideon one way or the other, especially since the police already figured out exactly what happened anyway, but sort of just looked at the murder and went "eh, these things happen". It's not quite up there with "Oh no! I lost a bet and have to platonically share a bed with my friend who is a boy for a month" in terms of contrived ways to bring romantic leads together/apart, but it's probably more contrived than "I bought you a plot puppy".]

Then Eva admires Gideon’s ass some more.

I’d gripped his ass, too, insanely turned on by the feel of it clenching and releasing as he fucked me tirelessly, stroking his long, thick cock deep inside me.

Seriously, is Eva turning into Tina Belcher? Better yet has Tina been inside of her this whole time? Thank God I had these gifs saved. I come prepared, friends. [Matthew says: Joke about Gideon "coming prepared" goes here. Obviously.]

Gideon wakes up, and their ensuring conversation follows the typical pattern of this series:

Eva: You’re so sexy.
Gideon: You’re also so sexy.
Eva: I love your heart and your penis.
Gideon: You have my heart AND my penis.
Eva: Oh, btw, this reporter lady Deanna showed up and is out for blood.
Gideon: UG stay away from her she sucks.
Eva: I KNOW YOU FUCKED HER!!
Gideon: You don’t know that. Srsly, don’t worry about it, angel, I’m gonna bang you now. Bang away allll the problems.
Eva: NO. Let’s argue about moar stuff.

The conversation continues for a bit but Eva claims she’s totally not mad, just a little jealous that Gideon slept with Deanna once. He says he “doesn’t remember it” and that he wasn’t drunk. [Matthew says: Wait, so did Gideon sleep with Deanna once? I feel like I should be able to tell if Gideon is being secretive or if Eva is being paranoid on account of, you know, words written in a book to convey information. If only Day was good at that.] Of course, just when the subject gets interesting, they decide to have sex again instead of talking about it.

Gideon is positively shocked that Eva doesn’t want to argue anymore.

“You’re different,” he said, touching my face.
Of course I was. The man I loved had killed for me. A lot of things became inconsequential after a sacrifice like that.

I sputter in disbelief at you, book!!! I sputter because there are no words. I’ll leave you all to ruminate on Gideon’s sacrifice and how Eva isn’t even like, “I still feel kind of weird he’s capable of murder.”

Ug, I don’t know exactly what I want from this book, I’ll admit that, but I know I don’t want, “The man I loved had killed for me” because it’s just pushing so hard to be like, “This is what real love looks like. It’s your man loving you so much he would kill for you. Don’t worry, he’ll only kill a nasty evil person for you, and he would never physically hurt YOU. But murder in the name of love is a sacrifice and beautiful and super romantic. So romantic that detectives are even like,  ‘Case closed.’” Bull shit, I say, bull shit.

So how are people finding the comparative worlds of Entwined With You and Pamela so far? Which is grosser?

Letter XII

In case you weren’t sure what’s up, Pamela starts off her letter like so:

Well, I will now proceed with my sad story.

And then immediately talks about clothes. Good job focusing your efforts on the saddest part of the story.

being pretty well dressed, I might come to some harm [when I leave for home], almost as bad as what I would run away from; and [it may be] reported I have stolen something

Which is kind of an interesting, old-timey problem, actually. Pamela works in an upper class house and all her clothes are upper class, which she can’t very well wear when she goes back to her lower class home. [Ariel says: Goodness me, no!] We talked about this for like 15 minutes in the college class I read this book in, guys. It is clearly incredibly important to know about these things. [Ariel says: This is why I really really don't miss being an English major. Why didn't I do computer science, for realz.] 

Mrs. Jervis tells Pamela that the Master had complained to her that, “That girl is always scribbling; methinks she might find something else to do, or to that purpose.” and talks about her suspicions that she stole the letter that went missing. No attention, however, is paid to the fact that, yeah, Pamela probably is writing suspiciously and/or impossibly often. And always about the same thing again and again. [Ariel says: I know I often pause what I'm doing to frantically type a facebook message to my mother and father about being scandalised or not having the right clothes in a given situation. And you thought we were in the age of over-sharing, ha! Just look at Pamela.]

Letter XIII

Case in point, Pamela’s dad writes to her again about her honor and virtue and resisting her Master’s advances. We get it, dad. [Ariel says: It's like the equivalent of the Casts telling us Damien is gay. Overkill already, Jeez.] 

Letter XIV

In letter XIV, Pamela writes another conversation Mrs. Jervis had with their Master.

The Master complains that Pamela “has Vanity and Conceit, and Pride”, because most of the Master’s character is basically him complaining that a woman he wants to bone doesn’t want to bone him.

as light as he makes of the words virtue and innocence in me, [I deserve his insult less than if] my crime should have been my virtue with him; naughty gentleman as he is!
I will soon write again; but must now end with saying, that I am, and shall always be,
Your honest Daughter

And then the next letter starts like this:

Dear Mother,
I broke off abruptly my last letter; for I feared he was coming.

Wait, what. Why? You were afraid he was coming, so your response was to quickly finish writing that letter? Why not just hide the letter right away and then keep writing it?

The Master says he wants to talk to Pamela, which gets her a little flustered.

Good sirs, how my heart went pit-a-pat!

…or that. The Master expresses disappointment that Pamela has spoken of what happened in the Summer House to other people, because it jeopardizes his reputation. Sounds like a bad problem for him.

And so I am to be exposed, am I, said he, in my house, and out of my house, to the whole world, by such a sawcebox as you?

More importantly, can we bring back the word “sawcebox”? [Ariel says: That was literally the first thing I thought when I read that word. I want to be called a sawcebox!] 

Pray, sir, said I, of whom can a poor girl take advice, if it must not be of her father and mother[?]
Insolence! said he, and stamped with his foot, am I to be questioned thus by such a one as you?

I would make some snarky joke about how this would never happen nowadays in our more gender-equal society and then link to a scene where this exact thing happens in Fifty Shades, but that was literally all three books of Fifty Shades.

And saying so, he offered to take me on his knee, with some force.

Same thing. [Ariel says: I don't even know what book we're reading anymore. It's like I'm in some sort of misogynistic nightmare where all these scenes blur together and then...oh no...fucking blurred lines begins playing in the background. IMMA TAKE A GOOD GIRL.] 

You know we’ve made progress as a society since then because nowadays our misogynistic bestsellers come with their own tie-in wines. [Ariel says: Nightmaaaare.]

Letters XVI-XIX

The book mixes it up from the Master talking about how much Pamela sucks for not wanting to bone him to the Master talking about how much Pamela sucks for not wanting to bone him and so, fine, he’ll let her go home to her family. Her father writes back to Pamela about how excited he is to hear the news that she’s leaving that awful place and returning to her loving family:

Welcome, welcome, ten times welcome shall you be to us; for you came to us innocent

Provided, of course, she’s still a virgin. [Ariel says: I guess they can use 18th century science to suss out whether or not a woman is a virgin. Makes sense.] 

Other people also react rather perplexingly to the news. So you guys remember Abby’s best friend, America, from Beautiful Disaster [Ariel says: I wish I didn't], who was the worst best friend ever and always framed every problem ever in terms of how it affected her? Ready to meet the 18th century version of that?

Well, well, Pamela, I did not think I had shewn so little love to you, as that you should express so much joy upon leaving me.

Pamela offers (another, near-identical, ye-olde-cut-and-pasted) explanation that she can’t continue to live with someone who is constantly sexually assaulting her. Eventually, Mrs. Jervis decides that it’s not all about her, and Pamela is happy they managed to patch up their friendship:

I will always love and honour you, as my third-best friend

What? Um, okay, fuck you too, Pamela. [Ariel says: Since when does Pamela have three friends?]

Although her Master is still – you guessed it – angry!

I believe my master is fearfully angry with me; for he passed by me two or three times, and would not speak to me; and towards evening [he] said such a word to me as I never heard in my life from him to man, woman or child

I like how, when you stop to think about it, this character is really just a dude who got turned down by a woman and now he keeps pouting about it and saying the occasional mean thing to her. This is in the canon! [Ariel says: At least he isn't going around telling us what a nice guy he is and then expecting that to get him laid. Or maybe he does do the 18th century equivalent? IDK.]

I hope I shan’t be long in your honor’s way. D-mn you! said he, (that was the hard word)

Oh, phew, good thing Pamela told us which one was the really bad word. I would have maybe guessed it was the one that was so bad it couldn’t be printed, but I just wasn’t sure.

Pamela writes that her Master wants her to stay until she finishes sewing his new waistcoat, and that she really doesn’t get what the master’s deal is. She writes out an entire conversation (which fills three pages and she remembers word-for-word somehow… this only gets more ridiculous as the book goes on) she had with Mrs. Jervis about how their Master is admired by half a dozen ladies, and yet keeps going after his servant. Pamela explains how wrong his unwanted advances are.

It would be very presumptuous in me to rely upon my own strength against a gentlemen of his qualifications and estate

Or… something…

Letter XX

Predictable trouble is afoot, as Pamela writes a new letter explaining that she hasn’t mailed her other letters yet because the family friend she’s using as a secret messenger has been sent by her Master to a different household. Bum bum bummmm

Oh wait, Pamela also talks about clothes for a bit. Otherwise, bum bum bummmmm

I know, I know I should be writing more about The Tao of Badass or Return of Kings, but I saw this article a few weeks back and tucked it aside for when I finally had a chance to write another Bad Romance Advice, Good Times post. Before You Hit Send: The Cold, Hard Truth About Sending Nude Pics was just too stupid to pass up.

This article is clearly geared towards a group of women the author (and super-awesome-dating-coach-extraordinaire) Ronnie Ann Ryan believes to be both insanely desperate and unable to even tie their own shoes let alone know how to ensnare a man without tempting him with nudie pics.

I feel a tiny bit guilty laughing so hard at this advice, because I’m sure there must be a demographic of women (above the age of 16) that are actually unable to determine the right and wrong time to send a nude pic without the help of a dating coach.

As you read bits of Sheila’s story, I’m sure you’ll understand where I’m coming from when I say that this article could have been penned by anyone with a shred of common sense and that it completely devolves into a piece of patronising shit sandwich as it progresses.

Sheila and Todd

Though it’s not explicitly stated until later in the article, Sheila and Todd have met online, but never in person. Keep this in mind as you read.

Sheila and Todd had been engaging in a steamy texting exchange, complete with nude photos. Some pictures were just body parts, but others included faces. This was very exciting for Sheila and she was having a lot of fun with Todd from a distance.

You should never ever look at body parts in isolation unless you are damn sure they belong to the person you think they do. Have these people never watched a sitcom? Literally the other week on The Mindy Project, one of the character’s grabs another’s phone away from him and is like, “OMG your mysterious girlfriend’s boobs are so sexy!” Only to find out moments later the mysterious girlfriend is his sister.

Sheila keeps initiating contact with Todd by sending sexy photos to get his attention, but then their texting convos run dry pretty quickly. As is normal during a blossoming relationship of true true love.

She started thinking about this relationship and where it was going. They had still hadn’t met, which was a little frustrating to her. Todd said he was super busy at work, but this was a great way to get to know each other until things slowed down for him and he could see her.

“Relationship” seems like a really strong word to use here, but sure. I mean, Todd is super busy at work and just wants to get to know her boobs a little bit more via picture before he’s willing to take the next step and see these boobs in person like any self-respecting gentleman. This is 2014, damn it! The times be changing and all.

Sheila asks her dating coach if she thinks Todd is into her or just the nude pics. Detective work is clearly not the line of work Sheila is in.

Sheila admitted she knew exactly what would happen if she stopped texting him; he’d stop texting her too.

I had to tactfully explain if a man only texted her when she initiated contact, he was not interested. She probably had been keeping their interactions going with those risqué photos. This is also true when a man only texts, emails or calls, but doesn’t have time to meet you or go on dates. Having worked as a dating coach since 2002, I’ve heard it all, so I know a man who is truly interested, WANTS TO SEE YOU in person. I told Sheila she should dump this guy and move on.

Yes, it takes working as a dating coach since 2002 to know this. Maybe I should be considering going into this line of work because if all you have to do is connect dots like, “He only responds to me when I send a nude picture” to “he’s not interested in meeting me in person” to “he’s not interested in pursuing a relationship with me” I could be doing this in my sleep and making some much needed cash on the side.

I’m going to tactfully explain to literally anyone who is considering paying someone for that level of advice that you can just ask your friend, nay, anyone on the street and they will give you that same answer. Do yourself a solid and pay a therapist instead to help you emotionally handle a situation like this if it’s hard for you, not a dating coach who gives you the same advice anyone with half a brain would give you.

Painfully obvious dating advice – now with terrible puns!

While sexting with a man seems like a hot way to connect, it’s not the smartest dating strategy. I strongly advise not to send naked photos to a man you barely know (excuse the pun).

I’m dating someone who makes puns all the fucking time and I had to read this about twenty times to guess that her shitty pun was in the word “barely” because in the photos they’re bare? You are no more qualified to write puns than you are to offer dating advice, Ronnie. I don’t care how deeply insightful your thoughts are on not sending naked pictures to people you hardly know.

It can’t get worse than this, right?

It gets worse 

Sheila and I discussed how to play it smarter next time she met a man online. I talk with my dating coaching clients about the “Ballroom Dancing Method of Dating”. Think about Dancing With With The Stars — the man leads and the woman follows. 

Look, I know she started being a dating coach back in 2002, but this reads like dating advice from the 50s. Sure, whether you’re a man or woman when you’re first starting out you probably should avoid bombarding the other person with invitations to hang out, but if you ask a guy to hangout and he is like, “MY GOD IM SUPPOSED TO LEAD.” He’s not someone you want to be with anyway.

When you take over because things aren’t going the way you want, you cut yourself off from discovering his intentions.

Remain passive at all costs, ladies. Never try to make a situation go the way you want, damn it.

So, if you’re thinking of sexting to get a man’s attention or keep his interest, think again. Wait to see if he asks you out, shows consistent interest, makes time for you and starts to include you in his life. These are the signs you want to see to understand if a man is genuinely interested or just wanting your naked snapshots.

I’m really confused about how this went from a post about not being stupid enough to send someone naked pictures and then keep sending him naked pictures in the hopes that he’ll want to meet you in person and not share them around the web to a post about how women should always let the men lead in dating.

The way it just devolves into another piece-of-shit article about how men love to lead and omg women should let them make every single move before 4-6 dates really pisses me off. I think this is one of the rare times I’m going to be that person to say NOT ALL MEN.

The logic in this article is that sending naked pics is a bad way to keep a man interested. Deep! Where was the advice about really trusting a person before you send them something so personal and sensitive? Where’s the advice about looking for signs that when they get angry they could do something irrational like share those pictures? If this person you love and trust has a vindictive side, you may want to hold off on sending those pictures no matter how good your relationship currently is. If they’re the kind of person who lets things go, doesn’t hold grudges, and you know would never hurt you even if your relationship went really sour it may be fine to send them something sexy.

Or just use Snapchat and pray they don’t take a screenshot ;)

Zoey sort of told her friends about the teen zombie ghosts. Huge emphasis on sort of. She leaves out the part about how they might be less ghost and more zombie because she doesn’t want to also have to tell them that Neferet is involved in all of this, and she caught zombie!Elliot drinking Neferet’s blood. [Matthew says: And because the Casts don't want to move the plot along too quickly. Ten books to go!]

We last see Stevie Rae looking mysteriously pale and feeling sick and probz about to become a teenage zombie ghost herself. I hear it’s way less fun than being a teenage witch.

Don’t ask such difficult questions, Sabrina.

Funnily enough, some of you have started pointing out how these vampyre teens read a lot more like witches. I mean, think about it, there’s even the whole affinity for cats bullshit.

What I imagine Zoey and Neferet do with their cats.

Chapter 18

Zoey picks up a vampyre sociology book to have a little look into the bloodlust she’s been experiencing. [Matthew says: And to finally provide an answer to, "How could this book be even more boring?"]

By the time a fledgling is well advanced in the Change process, she can detect the scent of blood from a distance. Because of changes in metabolism, drugs and alcohol have increasingly less effect on fledglings, and as this effect dissipates, they will find that the effects of drinking blood correspondingly increase.

I wonder what the Casts’ stance is on drinking blood if the side effects are similar to that of drinking or drug use, both of which we know our beloved authors simply abhor.

The next section of the book is called “SEXUALITY AND BLOODLUST”, and it reveals how drinking blood is a pleasurable experience for vampyres, so much so that sometimes it can lead to orgasms. [Matthew says: Can House of Night decide if it's pro- or anti-sex already? I did not get a BA in English to get confused reading a young adult vampire book.] This is the perfect time for Zoey to slut shame herself:

I blinked and rubbed a hand across my face. Well, hell! No wonder I’d had such a slutty reaction to Heath. Being turned on while I drank blood was programmed into my Changing genes. Fascinated, I kept reading.

My feelings right now may be even more complicated than Zoey’s. I want her to stop constantly changing her mind about her three love interests. I want her to stop having a creepy flirtation with Loren. But I also didn’t like her when she was a slut shaming asshole either. I don’t want her to slut shame herself, but I do want her to realize she’s being a fucking dick. Sigh. [Matthew says: Zoey was shaming all the sluts, but the real slut was inside her the whole time :'( And now you understand the gender politics in the bestselling House of Night series!]

It also really sucks that the Casts are trying to write off Zoey and Heath’s hookup as biology, because you could make that same fucking argument for ALL hookups ever. “Oh gee, my boner is because of my changing hormones! No wonder I’d had such a slutty reaction to that woman’s boobs.” ~ Every straight male ever.

Just in case anyone was offended by my very accurate quote.

The gist of Zoey’s very scientific reading is that the older the vampyre, the more “endorphins are released” while the vampyre sucks the human’s blood, and both experience intense sexual pleasure. This is apparently why vampyres have been vilified…because humans are scared of how sexy this is.

Humans feel threatened by our ability to bring them such intense pleasure during an act they consider dangerous and abhorrent, so they have labeled us as predators. The truth, of course, is that vampyres can control their bloodlust, so there is little physical danger to human donors.

[Matthew says: Remember how last week I talked about how the Casts are drawing attention to what untalented writers they are by having Loren Blake - the greatest living vampyre poet - only write in haiku? They're doing something very similar here. This is supposed to be Zoey's textbook, and look how fucking subjective and even catty the writing in it is! This would be like reading a book on, say, the Cold War, and reading, "The truth, of course, is that capitalism is better than communism, so it really wasn't even all that complicated of an issue."]

The danger lies in the Imprint that often occurs during the ritual of blood drinking.

Apparently, there is no way to truly predict when or why an Imprint will occur despite the amount of what I’m sure are incredibly rigorous studies conducted in this area. One of the factors which may determine if an Imprint occurs is sexual orientation. No explanation as to why the fuck this would matter is given, it’s just thrown in there willy-nilly. I was shocked the Casts didn’t add some sort of footnote being like, “This means that perhaps Damien could Imprint on a human very quickly because as you may or may not know he is totally gay!!!”

There the text went off on a tangent about how Bram Stoker had actually been Imprinted by a vamp High Priestess, but that he had not understood her commitment to Nyx had to come before their tie, and in a fit of jealous anger had betrayed her by exaggerating the negative aspects of an Imprint in his infamous book, Dracula.
“Huh. I had no idea,” I said. Ironically, Dracula had been one of my favorite books since I read it when I was thirteen. I skimmed through the rest of the section until I came to a part that had me chewing my lip as I slowly read it.

Dracula doesn’t want to be featured in this book please.

Omg you guys, Zoey used to love a book about a vampyre, and now she is one. It’s soo weird because when I was a kid I used to love shows about teenagers and then one day I became one!! Irony lololol. [Matthew says: Also, this isn't irony. Zoey liking Dracula as a human and then later reading about Dracula in her Vampyre textbook as a vampyre isn't incongruity; it's coincidence. Once again, good job with using words, Casts.]

To summarize more needlessly complex and drawn out and convoluted “scientific” points:

1. Fledglings aren’t allowed to feed from human because they run the risk of Imprinting. Nice going, Zoey.

2. Fledglings are encouraged to experiment with other fledglings (the Cast’s words) because they can’t Imprint on each other.

3. Adult vampyres can Imprint on fledglings which causes complications when the fledglings become adult vampyres. My brain hurts. [Matthew says: Not problems like, say, pedophilia. But vampyre problems.]

4. Zoey realizes Neferet may be Imprinting on teen zombie ghosts like Elliot. Gasp.

5. It’s really hard to break an Imprint bond and you need a high priestess and it’s super painful and then you have to stay away from each other or the bond might re-form. [Matthew wryly observes: Just like breakups in real life! My god, what a great metaphor!] You also need to sacrifice 300 goats, you need to see a production of The Nutcracker, and watch Lost from start to finish, which is what causes a lot of emotional pain. [Matthew says: You know, after the ninth season of How I Met Your Mother, I bet I'd think the sixth season of Lost was pretty good.]

Erik would be getting back later that day. The thought gave me equal pangs of pleasure and of guilt, which, of course, made me think of Heath.
I’d probably Imprinted him. The thought scared me, but it also drew me. Would it be so awful to be emotionally and physically tied to a sober Heath? Before I’d met Erik (or Loren) my answer would most definitely have been no, it wouldn’t be awful.

WHAT?!?!!? Before any of this happened, Zoey wasn’t into Heath at all. She was very very clear about this. You mother fucking revisionist, Zoey.

Zoey’s dilemma seems to boil down to the fact that she doesn’t know if she could give up Erik or Heath [Matthew says: Unlike the entire first book, where she could.], but she knows she can’t date them both. She fails to mention that she forgot about Erik completely after reading Loren’s shitty haikus and showing him her bra strap. [Matthew says: She even narrates "I was really starting to care about Erik", because we would have no idea otherwise.]

And then something happens which I don’t understand at all:

And suddenly it was as if a part of my mind lifted, like a string thrown out of a big ball of yarn. I could feel that piece of me searching … hunting … tracking … until it burst into a dark room and hovered above a bed. I sucked in my breath. Heath!

She starts talking to Heath, and I don’t understand if she’s fantasizing about talking to him, or if she’s connecting with him telepathically? The fuck is happening? Maaaaattt, I need you. Matt, help!! Tell me what’s going on. [Matthew says: YO I GOT THIS.

As you might have imagined, the answer is VAMPYRES. Zoey is using her vampyre magic to "reach out" to Heath semi-telepathically and see where he is, what he's doing, and make him think about her, and come to her. Or just "make him think about her, and come" as the case may be.]

“Zoey!” This time Heath’s eyes were fluttering open. He moaned again and his hand moved down to the hard lump in his pants and he began to-

Heath starts moaning Zoey’s name and rubbing himself, and that’s when Zoey’s eyes snap open and she’s back in her room. I like how Heath’s erection has become a character of its own, eternally being rubbed through his pants. That’s the only way the Casts approve of masturbation.

I wanted Heath.
I needed Erik.
I was intrigued by Loren.
I had no damn idea what I was going to do about the mess that my life had become.

Needed Erik? Matt, I need you to explain this too me too. [Matthew says: I'm not a miracle worker.]

Zoey falls asleep thinking about how crazy her life has become/summarizing the “plot”.

Hey, wanna hear something crazy? I’m in South Korea right now! Nuts, right? Okay. Back to young adult vampire fiction. This is a long one today. This chapter was awful.

Chapter 19

Zoey and Stevie Rae overslept and they’re gonna be late to the Shakespeare recital! The Casts continue to awkwardly try to use slang!

Shaunee was glaring at me. “Please with the sleeping all damn day!”

Okay, okay, technically it can’t be used in a sentence the way the Casts think it can be.

Shaunee snaps at Zoey to wake up and get herself together because she’s late. Zoey then snaps at Stevie Rae to wake up and get herself together because she’s late. I’m really buying the friendship between these characters, much like how I’m getting lost in the Casts’ totally not dry and simplistic writing. [Matt, please with the sarcasm!]

We are best friends and she definitely knows when I’m overstressed.

They head out to go see the returning vampyre students who had just competed at the Shakespeare competition, which includes Erik Night, Zoey’s boyfriend! You might not remember who he is though, based on how Zoey’s been flirting and/or making out with two other men through the first 57% of this book, but the Casts helpfully provide a reminder.

Actually, I hadn’t even worried about how he’d placed, which was definitely not good girlfriend etiquette.

Much like flirting with your high school teacher or giving your ex-boyfriend an over-the-pants handjob while your boyfriend is out of town.

Everyone thought I was the lucky girl who had caught Erik after he’d escaped from Aphrodite’s nasty spiderweb (and by web I mean crotch).

Just in case you were worried the Casts weren’t going to work Aphrodite’s spider vagina into two books. [Ariel says: I think it just shows how much consistency they try to bring to their writing. What world building ability and creative energy they bring to every page!]

Hell, I thought I was lucky to have him, something that had been hard to remember when I was sucking Heath’s blood and flirting with Loren.

Oh, good, Zoey is finally acknowledging cheating on him! Still not, you know, feeling bad about cheating on him, but she doesn’t have to be! After all, her vagina has zero spiders in it. [Ariel says: Lest you forget that time Aphrodite was trying to give Erik a blowjob in the hallway. Zoey only rubbed Heath over the pants in a car. That's the difference between slut/spider-web-for-vagina and non-slut/non-spider-web-for-vagina. Location location location.]

Zoey continues to not catch on to the increasingly obvious foreshadowing that Stevie Rae is about to get sick, reject the Change, and die. Except with weirdly more antagonism.

She yawned again and coughed. I frowned at her. She looked like crap. How could she still be tired?

Now the chapter in this vampire young adult novel shifts focus to something with great appeal to its target audience: Shakespeare!

Too bad the Casts can’t write anything more involved than a haiku.

The drama teacher explains to the assembled student body that the competition had 25 worldwide House of Night campuses each send five students to the Shakespeare competition. He announces where each of their finalists placed in the competition, and then they will perform the monologue they did.

As Zoey watches the performing students, she observes their talents and – based on that alone – decides to extend them invitations to join the Dark Daughters. Yeah, sure, it probably does make sense in this case, since they already represented the school in this competition, but it’s basically another instance of Zoey fully judging a person’s value based on her first impression of them. And it only gets more inane because, of course, it’s Zoey:

[Kaci] was a fourth former who I didn’t know very well because around the dorm she was kinda shy and quiet, even though she seemed nice. I didn’t think she was a member of the Dark Daughters, and I made a mental note to send her an invitation to join.

But can it get worse? Of course! For example, Zoey hasn’t gotten vindictive about being progressive about race yet!

Cole Clifton was tall, blond, and totally cute. [...] Hm… I’d have to talk to Erik about fixing Shaunee up with Cole. In my opinion more white boys should date women of color. It was good for expanding their horizons (especially true in Oklahoma white boys).

I realize that I’m white and can’t really weigh in with full understanding on how offensive this is, but I’m pretty sure that objectifying black people is also pretty racist. It’s a nice, progressive thought, of course, but the way this is worded as, like, a public service announcement from social idealist extraordinaire Zoey smacks rather ironically of white privilege. It reads less like “interracial dating is great because people have historically judged the value of others by the color of their skin and this helps move society past that because a stronger force than hate is love”, and more like “interracial dating is a great novelty”. Young adult series House of Night, everybody.

[Ariel says: Exactly! It just serves to exoticize women of color and comes across as painfully ignorant. Oh, yes, dating a woman of color is ever so good for expanding your horizon, you simply must try dating one, darling. If Zoey had just said "I'd have to talk to Erik about fixing Shaunee up with Cole" I wouldn't have stopped dead in my tracks and been like. Hold the mother fucking phones, this Cole fellow sounds pretty dang white, and I know for a fact Shaunee is black. THIS MUST BE COMMENTED ON!!!!

So sad, I just looked everywhere for this clip from Broad City (which was one of the best shows I've gotten into this year along with Hannibal and Suits) where one of the main characters is super excited because her artwork was used in a commercial for a dating website, but it turns out the dating website is a white supremacist dating platform, so she is pretty mortified when she finds out. You should all immediately go watch the first season of Broad City. Thanks bai.]

Zoey segues out of her important white girl opinion to talk about the next performing student rather naturally:

Speaking of women of color

Who the fuck edited House of Night? Seriously. I want to know more badly than for anything else we read.

Somewhat interestingly (your mileage will vary), the next performer is Deino aka one of Aphrodite’s former friends aka Lord Hitlerface. Whom, of course, Zoey watches perform for three seconds and decides, “She seems like an upstanding citizen; let’s bring her into the Dark Daughters too!” through some absolute idiot-fallacy bizarro logic.

Watching her I was so dazzled by her talent that I started to wonder how much of her hateful haggishness had been because of Aphrodite’s influence.

Zoey is apparently not familiar with the phenomenon that is “acting”, which is quite literally what Deino is doing right now.

Erik is introduced and it is revealed that he placed first in the Shakespeare competition, which would be pretty surprising if his character served literally any purpose in the narrative aside from “go compete in a Shakespeare competition and create a minimal amount of dramatic tension for three pages when you come back from that”. Erik comes out and Zoey remembers how attractive he is. She does not think about how she’s been cheating on him. Erik starts performing a monologue from Othello:

“Her father lov’d me; oft invited me;
Still question’d me the story of my life”

Oh Christ, the Casts can’t even pick a good Shakespeare quote.

Bafflingly, Kristin and P.C. Cast chose this moment to continue retconning Zoey into someone who actually cares about Heath.

I couldn’t help but compare [Erik] to Heath. In his own way, Heath was as successful and talented as Erik.

But none of that is even the weirdest part. After his performance, Zoey and Stevie Rae are caught up in the romantic Shakespeare quote Erik just wowed everyone with:

Stevie Rae stood cheering next to me, wiping her eyes and laughing.
“That was so romantic I almost peed my pants,” she yelled.
“Me, too!” I laughed.

WHAT.

Let me get this straight. This thing that just happened… was so romantic… that it almost made you urinate. Not blush. Not experience an elevated heart rate. [Ariel says: Not even detonate or convulse!] Urinate. That… that is not a physical reaction commonly associated with romance.

Zoey and Erik are finally reunited after the event, and then, perhaps even more unfathomable than anything that has happened in this chapter so far, the Casts actually write some pretty decent Shakespeare parallelism.

[Erik] proclaimed in his actor’s voice that carried all around the room, “Hello, my sweet Desdemona.” [...]
Over Erik’s shoulder I met [Aphrodite's] eyes and, in a silky voice [...], said, “If he’s calling you Desdemona, then I suggest you be careful. If it even looked like you’re cheating on him he’ll strangle you in your bed.”

Of course, they completely spell it out for us, but, guys, that was actually competent. Where the fuck did that come from? These authors couldn’t tell the difference between romance and uncontrollable bladder syndrome a page ago.

Then she flipped her long, blond, perfect hair and twitched away.

“Twitched”? Like… an involuntary jerking motion? Never mind. The Casts have no idea what they’re doing.

This, for instance, is an example of what the word “twitch” means. According to the Casts, this is rather sexy, much like how urinating is very romantic.

BUT THEN IT GETS EVEN WEIRDER.

Shaunee jerked her chin in Cole’s direction. “He is one fine Romeo.” [...]
“Twin, if Juliet had been black I do not believe things would have come to such a shitty end between her and Romeo.”

Yes, interracial marriage would definitely have smoothed things over in the 16th century. But do go on, Erin. I can’t wait to hear your logic for this.

“We would have shown more sense than drinking that sleeping potion crap and going through all that drama just because of some unfortunate parental issues.”
“Exactly,” Shaunee said.
None of us stated the obvious – that Erin, with her blond hair and blue eyes, was definitely NOT BLACK. We were too used to her and Shaunee being twinlike to question the weirdness of it.

… I have nothing. [Ariel says: I guess Shaunee (and Erin???) being black is the new Damien is gay. I'm genuinely shocked every other line isn't Zoey reminding us she's part Cherokee.] 

Seriously, what the actual fuck was that? Again, who the fuck is the actual, employed editor who read that section and thought, “Yep, this makes sense. Leave it in”? I don’t think I’ve ever read a passage of a book so aggressively weird and so utterly confounding that so violently pulled me out of my immersion in it. This doesn’t add anything to the story, the characters, or even to the tone, because it’s so fucking weird. [Ariel says: Seriously, they don't even try to explain why a black Juliet would have saved Rome and Juliet's lives. I know that wasn't the weirdest part of that passage, but I'm so fucking baffled, you guys.] 

Because this chapter just won’t stop being terrible gibberish already, Erik meets Jack, Damien’s new love interest and Erik’s new roommate. Zoey is pleased that Erik is so welcoming to the (apparently) gay Jack, which makes her realize how little she knows about Erik.

I’d never asked Erik where he was from. Jeesh, I was a crappy girlfriend.

But the juggling two other guys is totally okay. It isn’t until she’s about to leave to go do her first Dark Daughters ritual and Erik gives her a present – a stunning black dress – that Zoey finally acknowledges that her involvement with the other guys is a bad thing.

I clutched the dress to my chest and tried not to think about the fact that while Erik was buying me an amazingly cool present I had been either sucking Heath’s blood or flirting with Loren. [I] tried to ignore the guilty voice inside my head that kept saying, over and over, You don’t deserve him… you don’t deserve him… you don’t deserve him…

Of course, she still thinks about this not in terms of how she’s hurting Erik, but in terms of herself, because it’s always all about Zoey.

Ariel says: To celebrate two years of working on Bad Books, Good Times together, Matt and I are seeing each other in person for the first time in almost a year! And also doing this post! 

Matthew says: Ariel and I are both on vacations in real life this week (Ariel’s visiting friends and family in America and I’m visiting my girlfriend in South Korea) and have to take a blog vacation this week. So we’ll return to our regular schedule of Crossfire, Pamela, and House of Night next week, but later this week you’ll have more of us answering your questions for our birthday to look forward to! We got a lot of questions and decided to split it up into two parts, so don’t forget to come back later this week. Enjoy!

Questions About Us, The People Who Write This Thing

In what cities do you guys live? What do you do as a real job? How do you find time to put together the blog?

Ariel says: I’m was born and raised for part of my life in Trenton, New Jersey, but for the majority of my life now I’ve lived in Pennsylvania, which is most famous for being where the kids from The Magic Treehouse series are from as those of you who read our posts on the Dinosaurs Before Dark will surely remember. I now live in London while I finish up getting my Master’s degree in Information Systems and Technology, and I’ve been working at an incredible start up company for the past few months (and just renewed my contract until December wahoo!) doing some front-end web development, customer service, and now adwords and ppc management. I’m not going to give the name of the company, but I will say it’s in relation to dogs, which is my dream come true.

I break a lot of child labor laws in order to have time to write this blog. Every post you read is actually done by a seven year old who I pay in Skittles. Honestly, though, I have no idea how I find the time! It’s just become second nature to make it a priority, sometimes to a fault. Like “Oh I have this report due tomorrow and also a blog post to write. To do list: 1) blog post 2) report.”

Like Matt says below, knowing people are actually reading along with us is a major incentive, but also the thought of letting Matt down keeps me going on days where if I didn’t have a partner I might just be like, “Eh, fuck it, I’ll do it another day.”

Matthew says: I’m originally from the Chicago suburbs, but I live in New York now. I live in Brooklyn, like a goddamned hipster, in Bed Stuy, which people often have very amusing reactions to. My real job has nothing to do with books (bad or no). I studied English and Biology in college and wanted to find a job somewhere in between the two, and I now work as an editorial assistant in medical communications. Basically, pharmaceutical companies come to us to help them write presentations they give to doctors about new drugs they’re making, and I help edit them. And then I go home and write dick jokes for you guys. It’s quite a double life.

I’ve also previously interned and written for NPR, which I’m required to brag about at every possible opportunity.

As for how we find the find the time to put together the blog on top of working full-time (and previously college)… practice, I guess, and the fact that we have a lot of fun doing this. What Ariel said about prioritizing the blog over other, actual priorities is very true – this one time I had both an organic chemistry exam and lab report due the next day… and the first thing I did was write jokes about Hush, Hush. Writing this blog has made me a much faster writer (which helps for obvious reasons), knowing how many people read the stupid jokes I write every day is a pretty big incentive, and Ariel’s a hoot. Ariel and I work pretty independently, but we gain a lot of strength from reading each other’s jokes, critiques, and general snark.

How did you two meet?

Matthew says: Ariel and I met at a two week writing program at Kenyon College the summer before our senior year of high school, and initially started talking when we learned we had both written parodies of Harry Potter in our childhood (don’t ask to read them – they have not aged well). [Ariel says: Speak for yourself, I still laugh hysterically when I re-read my old HP parody.] [Matthew adds: I do remember Ariel's was a lot better. I'm amazed she wanted to be my friend.] 

We kept in touch and wound up going to the same college, and eventually Ariel got the idea into her head that we should start a blog together, which was actually almost just about the show Awake. Yes, think about what might have been.

Ariel says: Oh my god, oh my god how could I have forgotten about Awake and how we almost wrote a blog about that. I never thought I’d say this, but thank god our friends started reading Fifty Shades and the idea evolved into making fun of bad books together. [Matthew adds: Our aforementioned friends all hated it and told us we'd hate it, and we interpreted that advice rather strangely.]

For those of you who don’t know, Awake was this show about a man who lives one life when he’s, wait for it, awake and another when he sleeps. Both lives began after this major car crash, and in the one life his son survives the crash, and in the other his wife survives, and each world has subtle differences. Anyway, I loved it and forced Matt to start watching it and we were like, “But what if we wrote a split review of Awake in kind of the same way that he has a split life. OMG.” As I said before, I’m really glad the idea evolved especially given Awake sadly didn’t make it past season 1. [Matthew adds: Coincidentally, Awake was actually just added to instant Netflix! You should definitely at least check out the first episode - it's one of the strongest pilots I've ever seen.]

Do you find it harder to write this blog together now that you’re not in the same geographical location?

Matthew says: Not really, actually. Writing is kind of a solitary activity and Ariel and I rarely talked “business” even when we could hang out in real life. It’s a bit of a bummer that it bars us from expanding into video content, but we never found the time to do that even when we did have the opportunity anyway.

Ariel says: Matt we always talked about the blog when we were in person! If poor Marissa (best friend of the blog) read this right now she’d probably be like, “Are you kidding me??” Remember when we read Mandi’s review for our thesis class when we went to the pub after class? Guys, we did that once. Our professor was there and loving it. It was so much fun! [Matthew says: Hahaha, oh my god, that was hilarious. That was the time I said "Have you ever even been spanked?" in front of my thesis adviser. Yes, we talked about it a lot, but what I mean by "talked 'business'" is that we never really had to meet up in person just to keep the blog running. Those were rarely things we couldn't take care of with a simple Facebook chat, leaving us with plenty of actual hanging out time to drink and eat Chinese food and gossip about working in the writing center. We're just like regular people!]

But I agree, it’s not harder at all! If anything, having the blog has made it easier to stay in touch. Matt is the only person besides my family I’ve skyped with since I moved to England.

Between life, reading bad books, and the actual blogging, do you find the time to read *good* books?

Ariel says: My idea of good books now are related to future career interests like web analytics and data analysis. Many of you probably are thinking, “Ew wut.” But I seriously devour these books and love finding time to read them.

I am reading one fictional work right now called Paint it Black by Janet Finch who wrote White Oleander (one of my all time favourites.) I will be honest, I mostly read it while on the toilet. I am 3/4 of the way through.

Matthew says: Commuting! I read so much more now that I have to spend an hour and a half on the subway every day. Before that, I dunno. Not as much as I should have. I look back on that time with great shame.

Ariel says: Did I say toilet? I meant commuting.

Questions About Beautiful Disaster, Crossfire, and Those Other Completely Interchangeable Erotic Romances

How did you manage to remain sane while reading A Beautiful Disaster? I’m trying to read it (not for pleasure just to make that clear) and I just want to burn the book. How did you manage to get through all of it?

Ariel says: I didn’t. I get really angry when I see pigeons now.  PTSD is rough (Pigeon Traumatic Stress Disorder.)

Matthew says: I didn’t read Beautiful Disaster (that’s my secret!), but for Walking Disaster, there’s a reason we only read one chapter a week. It’s not even because of the time it takes to write the blog; that’s as much of the book as I can take.

Do you think you could take Travis in a fight? (That is, of course, if he leaves the double glock wielding at home)

Matthew says: I notice you didn’t say I had to leave the double glock wielding at home…

Ariel says: There’s no way I could ever defeat Travis. As you probably already know, he was beaten up by his brothers when he was a child. How could anyone possibly compete with that sort of rigorous training?

Who is the better BFF: Cary, or America?

Matthew says: Cary, because at least he acts like he actually cares about his BFF. In between the orgies and what have you.

Ariel says: What is this 60 Minutes? That is a really hard question. I’m going to have to agree and say Cary as well. I think he was apologetic after his orgy?

Questions About House of Night, Because We Drew The Line At Twilight

If you were a vampyre and had an affinity for something (the elements, cats, etc.), what would you want it to be?

Ariel says: I’d have an affinity for London transport, so I would always know the optimal time to leave my flat to catch the tube and not be smushed into someone’s smelly armpit during my morning commute.

Matthew says: I’d like to have an affinity for snow. Because I grew up in the midwest and I never fucking want to see snow again in my life.

Questions About Goosebumps and Magic Tree House! That Has To Be The First Time Someone Has Ever Lumped Those Two Things Together

If you found a magic tree house that took you to any time and place, where would you most like to go?

Matthew says: I think Late Victorian England or Revolutionary War-era America would be interesting, but I might just think that because I’m a white male. So dinosaurs. The answer is always dinosaurs.

Ariel says: OMG DURING THE ERA OF LORD OF THE RINGS. But for real, I would probably choose the 80s, because after I watched I Love the 80s on VH1 a million times, I realized I would have had so much fun during that time. Or I’d re-live the 90s again! This time not as a child!

Pick the sexiest scene from one of the non-”romance” books you’ve read. So… Goosebumps or Magic Tree House.

Ariel says: Greg taking all those pictures in Say Cheese and Die - so erotic.

Matthew says: That time Greg got fat.

Questions About Other Bad Stuff!

Have you seen the live-action (My) Immortal Series? What are your thoughts on it, if you’ve watched it?

Ariel says: I haven’t even heard of the live-action version of this! I will investigate further if someone tells me it’s worth watching.

Matthew says: I still haven’t gotten around to even reading that! I’m the worst at being a bad art connoisseur!

What do you think are the benefits and flaws of dramatic readings, especially for bad literature like Master of the Universe or The Eye of Argon? Also, do you like to listen to dramatic readings?

Ariel says: The benefits only exist if they’re done well and are hilarious. The drawbacks are if they suck it’s pointless. Sorry, that’s a really helpful answer, but this is a pretty hit or miss area. I don’t usually listen to any official dramatic readings, but I have rarely laughed so hard in my life than when a friend of mine did a dramatic reading of a painfully terrible short story that someone in one of our creative writing classes had written about an epic night out where the main character and his friends got drunk. Or the time when my brother did a dramatic reading of My Immortal for me.

Matthew says: So, the first thing I thought of was “Dramatic Reading of a Break Up Letter”…

Which is hilarious, but it’s funny because the narrator plays the ridiculous content so straight. The pitfall I can see is that the reading is basically another level of joke in and of itself; a so-bad-it’s-funny text doesn’t necessarily make for a good dramatic reading. That being said, I did read a Cosmo Red-Hot Read to a group of 40+ people once, so they seem like perfectly legitimate forms of entertainment to me.

Earlier this week we celebrated the two year anniversary of Bad Books, Good Times by answering your questions, but there were a lot and now here’s part two!

Questions About The Arts! We’ve Successfully Tricked You Into Thinking We’re Smart!

How do you feel about adapting literature (fanfiction or otherwise) into other formats, such as live adaptations, musicals, and fan comics?

Ariel says: I love that this is something people actually do. Clearly, there are things that will fail (remember that time someone turned a Twilight fanfic into a best selling, shitty-as-hell book? I guess that’s not everyone’s definition of a failure, but I consider it as such.), but then you get just like really fun, awesome things like A Very Potter Musical, which I just love. Anyway, I’m all for this!

Matthew says: For a more pretentious answer, I think it can be a really fun way to share in and enjoy a fresh take on mutually-enjoyed works in a community! It’s also a cool way for creatively-minded people to get exposure for their work, because there’s a built-in audience to appreciate the effort. I went to a fan-made musical adaptation of Predator once. It is a story surprisingly well-suited to a musical format.

You read a lot of YA and erotica on this blog. Are there any novels in those genres that you really like?

Matthew says: I definitely have a soft spot for YA. I recently read John Greene’s Looking For Alaska and Stephen Chbosky’s The Perks of Being a Wallflower and they are absolutely among the most beautiful novels I’ve ever read. My favorite YA novel when I actually was a young adult, however, was Rob Thomas’s Rats Saw God. I read it in seventh grade and it’s basically a high school senior reflecting back on how his life turned to shit vis a vis his first love. It’s brutal and honest and scared the shit out of me in middle school. I’ve never seen Veronica Mars (Thomas’s better known work), but I wish more people talked about this book.

I got nothing to add for erotica. I’m sure there’s erotica of reasonable artistic merit out there somewhere - maybe the uncut version of Alfonso Cuarón’s Y Tu Mamá También, depending on whether I’m allowed to cheat and include film and depending on whether that would even count as erotica – but I don’t feel particularly much need to think more about sex, you know? (Fun braggy aside: I’m actually (slowly) working on a new piece for NPR’s Monkey See talking about Y Tu Mamá También vis a vis the Fifty Shades phenomenon.)

Ariel says: I haven’t read YA in ages, but as a whole I can appreciate the genre, and I still look back fondly on books I read when I was younger (and I was still picky then). Recently, I really loved The Hunger Games, and I think a lot of other people did too, but I’m not sure because no one seems to have given it a chance. Here’s hoping it gets its day in the sun sometime soon.

I don’t really read erotic novels besides what we do here on the blog, but I have been involved with fandoms in the past that had some really awesome erotic fanfiction (when my boyfriend reads this I’m going to get teased, but whatever, real talk), so I get pretty annoyed when Fifty Shades fans get all up in arms and tell me I’m just a prude for hating the series. LOLNO. I just have read better work that is sadly unpublished when this crap (remember Ana “detonating”?) has been published and consumed by many. Anyway, I firmly believe amazing work can be written in any genre.

What do you think best makes a work of art (including literary, film, or musical works) a “classic”? How do you personally define whether something is a “classic”? Conversely, what are your personal criteria for bad literature?

Ariel says: I think a book is a classic if enough English classes force students to read it. Forget something resonating emotionally with you personally, if it’s a fucking classic someone will aggressively and obnoxiously let you know. BECUZ THE LITERARY CANON.

The one thing I like is that having some books which everyone reads/is forced to read means that you can be pretty confident a joke about Shakespeare will be widely understood. I like the idea of a common pop culture language (not that there should only be one pop culture dialect or anything, but it’s nice to have some common ground that most people get when you reference.)

Matthew says: Dang, this is a lofty one! Well, there’s no way I can answer this without sounding super pretentious, so heads up. I personally feel like a work of art becomes “classic” when it captures some element of society and/or humanity in a such a way that it becomes similarly absorbed into the culture it was commenting on or reflecting an aspect of. So this works for both “high art” stuff like Shakespeare, Oscar Wilde, Virginia Woolf, and other stuff in the canon, as well, as, say, Star Wars or Mean Girls. Some combination of cultural resonance and quality, basically, as “quality” is both seen critically and socially constructed. To put it simply, have a lot of people liked it for a long time?

As for my criteria for bad literature, I feel it’s sort of the inverse. One of the things I’m always trying to do on the blog is really make it clear what makes these books “bad”, as opposed to just boring or unlikable. Bad literature doesn’t just not capture some element of society or the human condition, but it has to miss its mark so badly that it fails and says something else, something worse, something totally opposite instead. It would be one thing if Fifty Shades was a badly written love story about overcoming past emotional abuse (that could be a perfectly good story, and even have some value for people struggling with similar issues!), but what makes it “bad” is that it fails to do so so badly that it instead glorifies emotional abuse. So “bad” literature isn’t just poor quality, but such poor quality that it actually makes the world a worse place.

Because I already got off to a really pretentious start in this answer, I might as well go all out and end with an Oscar Wilde quote: “Bad artists always admire each others’ work.”

Is there a book all of your friends like that you just can’t stand?

Ariel says: The Time Traveller’s Wife. I remember I devoured this book, loved it at first…then I started talking about it in depth because I’d loved it so much, and then the more I talked about it, the more I hated all the characters, the more pretentious and obnoxious I found the whole thing. This was a long time ago, so I can’t get into more specifics (sorry if you are dying to know more because you love this book), but all I remember was fucking hating it eventually after I couldn’t stop thinking it had this sense of massive self-importance and smugness that I hated. Maybe I’ll read it again just so I can bitch about it more. The writing itself was very good, though, if I recall correctly.

Matthew says: Buzzfeed probably doesn’t count, does it? Hmm… it’s probably a stretch to say “all” my friends like them, but I think the Hunger Games sequels would fit right in with the books we read on this blog. [Ariel says: NO. Katniss > Zoey and Nora and all other teen "heroines" on our blog. But this just proves Matt's answer is true.] (The Catching Fire film, however, was actually competently made and will 100% be the artistic high point of the entire Hunger Games franchise.)

And I know you specified “book”, but I really want to throw out my utter disdain for The Big Bang Theory and The IT Crowd. [Ariel says: WHAT THE FUCK THE IT CROWD?!??! DO I EVEN KNOW YOU?!??!?!? I feel like insanely homophobic parents must feel when their child comes out to them. My whole life has just been altered and you told me this in our two year anniversary post? That's just fucked up.] Oh, and Katy Perry is my most hated “musician” of all time ever. In case you’re curious. I’M JUST FULL OF OPINIONS TODAY.

What are some YA/erotica/romance tropes/cliches that you personally detest? Any that you have a soft spot for?

Ariel says: I think it’s pretty clear I hate the romance trope of the man being this all powerful man who owns every establishment the female protagonist steps into and that he often uses this to stalk his prey love interest. Romantically, of course. If it were a horror movie, you’d be concerned, but omg it’s totally fine because he’s so handsome and his heart is in the right place.

I have a soft spot for any love story done right. I don’t mind at all that most YA books (or books in generally) will have some sort of romantic relationship involved, I actually prefer that. I just want it to resonate with me and for me to believe in the relationship. I don’t care if cliches are involved as long as they’re done well and not just because it was easy/all the author knew.

Occasionally, I do have a soft spot for the male love interest seems like a jerk/cold/hard to reach at first, but then once you get to know him he’s a wonderful person. I think that can be really great! Not Christian Grey or Gideon Cross, though. Never. I’m sorry but Edward from Twilight’s “You smelled so good I just had to stay away and be mean to you!” was also not my cup of tea.

You’re all allowed to point and laugh at me when I say this, but I watch Once Upon a Time and I think it’s just ridiculous and fun and has the ability to not take itself seriously all the time, and one of my favorite things was that they made the Captain Hook character so wonderful. He was a total dick at first, but now he is wonderful and loves the main character and I root for them so hard. So hard, you guys. HOOK JUST WANTS EMMA TO BE HAPPY, GUYS. He’s just there for her and tries to help her save her family.

Matthew says: I have a love-hate relationship with the YA love triangle, just like how the characters in a YA love triangle have a love-hate relationship with each other.

Questions About Life, Because Apparently We Appear To Be Trustworthy People

I’m graduating from high school next month. Any college advice for me?

Matthew says: Keep an open mind! It’s great to learn more about things you already know you like (and are presumably majoring in), but it’s just as important to find other things you never knew about. Reflecting on what was probably most useful during my own college experience, I’d say don’t be afraid of making mistakes. Sometimes you learn your best lessons about how to be a better you from when you’re the most of a mess.

And always have Clorox wipes around. You are always three seconds away from suddenly having to clean something.

Ariel says: Your best friends from your first year won’t always be your best friends the second year (or third or fourth), and that’s okay! You will meet lots of awesome people, and you will meet some shitty ones. Never ever be afraid to distance yourself from the shitty ones because you need to take care of you. Life is too short for the poisonous people who drain you, and there are too many incredible people out there to focus your energy on. [Matthew says: This is really, really good advice. Ariel's got this, yo.]

Also, gatorade really helps a hangover. The light blue flavour. Life elixir, I swear. [Matthew says: wtf Ariel why did you never share this information with me WHEN WE WERE IN COLLEGE?]

Pepsi or coke?

Ariel says: Both. Everyone yells at me when I say this, but I have no preference. If I’m willing to drink one at any given time, I would be equally willing to drink the other.

Matthew says: I’ve actually managed to cut soda out of my other awful habits! But to answer your question… Dr. Pepper. [Ariel says: You just keep dropping these bombs on me, Matt. Who even likes Dr. Pepper? I thought its continued existence was just the worst and longest practical joke of all time. I accidentally got it from a vending machine the other week and nearly died from how nasty it was.] [Matthew adds: Ariel, Dr. Pepper is far and away the best soda! THE BLOG IS OVER.] 

Questions About Dogs! Guys, More Of These Next Year!

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO PLOT PUPPY? Enquiring minds need to know!

Matthew says: WEIRDLY ENOUGH, we gathered from the comments that a few blog readers are under the impression that Kara adopted plot puppy, either seriously or as the equivalent of jamming your fingers in your ears and going “la la la la la”. Even though we never actually found out what happened to plot puppy (because plot puppy served its purpose in the plot and Jamie McGuire just kinda stopped), we seem to have collectively created a sort of BBGT alternate canon. For example, nobody remembers plot puppy’s name was actually Toto. Isn’t that weird?

Ariel said: Given we were just talking about fan adaptations above, I think someone should write the epic story of Kara and plot puppy, because it sounds beautiful.

Matt, I read that you grew up with a sheltie. I too have a sheltie, but what are your thoughts on CORGIS?

Matthew says: I’m gonna cut right to the chase here – all dogs are friggin’ sweet. At the moment my personal favorite/”maybe someday…” dog is a Pomsky, which is a mix between a Pomeranian and an Alaskan Husky. They basically look like fluffy Alaskan Huskies. I’m pretty sure Ariel has some rather passionate views on Corgis, specifically, however.

Ariel says: I like corgis a lot, but I too love Pomskies! Is that how you spell the plural? My friend sent me pictures on facebook and I was melting. Finally, Matt and I found common ground. [Matthew adds: The blog can continue. Phew.] I actually also adore just regular Pomeranians and Pugs and Semoyeds and Newfoundlands. But my personal favourite are Havenese because that’s what my dog is <3 Omg I just love dogs.

Questions About The Blog, AKA This Thing We’re Incredibly Happy You’ve Been Reading For Two Years

How do you pick the next BBGT book out of what I’m sure is a list of bad books rivaling the size of Santa’s naughty list?

Ariel says: Readers of the blog have made some awesome suggestions, and we have a shelf that’s growing on our Goodreads page, which I need to be better about updating. I also subscribe to Bookbub, and while they often have deals on good books, they also offer a lot of hilariously shitty books for free that I glance through from time to time. Feel free to add stuff to the bookshelf on Goodreads, it helps us keep track of all the crap out there!

Matthew says: You’d think we’d maybe do actual research, read the books and test them, but we basically work entirely off of bad word of mouth, amazingly enough. Every time we start a new book, I’m worried this will bite us in the ass, but it’s always been an unreadable piece of shit! Which isn’t really much better.

Has a book ever gotten so bad that you seriously questioned humanity for writing/publishing/loving it?

Matthew says: That’s literally the entire blog :(

Ariel says: Look at us agreeing all the time again! This post really turned around.

Honestly, what is the worst scene in any of the books you’ve read? (“Worst” relative to your reaction to it, not necessarily if it was the worst-written scene or whatever) Best scene?

Ariel says: It’s been awhile, but I remember after Eva tells Gideon about her past sexual abuse, she’s mad that he’s not lusting after her, and they have sex, and it was really uncomfortable to read. Especially given initially Day had impressed both Matthew and myself with how she handled the reveal. There’s also this line: “I feel you getting ready to come. Your cunt gets so hot and tight, so greedy.” So theres that.

I loved every single damn cave tour we went on with Uncle Jeb in The Host. 

Matthew says: Worst scene is a seriously daunting question, but I’m probably going to have to go with a classic: the first sex scene in Fifty Shades of Grey. We’ve read many terrible scenes for this blog, but that first sex scene holds a special place in my heart for being the first time we gazed into the abyss, and the abyss gazed back and said, “Holy cow!”

Strangely, the best scene for me also comes from Fifty Shades of Grey, because I still think Ana giving Christian the model hang-glider for his birthday was really cute. Even if it happened in Fifty Shades of Grey.

What is the most annoying “big misunderstanding” in any of the books you’ve read?

Matthew says: Does the entirety of Reflected in You count as a big misunderstanding? It should, because the entire plot was, “Oh, I thought you were being cold and distant, but you were actually just lying to me about planning to murder my stepbrother! What a wacky misunderstanding!”

Ariel says: Yes!! Totally counts because I thought the same thing. Same brain forever. [Matthew says: LONG LIVE THE BLOG.]

What novel would you most like to see told from the POV of a minor character (e.g., Beautiful Disaster from Kara’s POV, The Host from the cave’s POV, etc.)?

Ariel says: KARA!!!!  The cave from The Host would also be amazing, but probably just consist of, “Sigh, another cave tour going on in me again…Jesus.”

Matthew says: Well, the obvious joke answer here is that I’d like to see Fifty Shades of Grey from the point of view of Christian Grey’s penis [Ariel says: Yes. A thousand yesses.], but I actually think that House of Night could be genuinely interesting and unique from Zoey’s mom’s perspective. Think about it! It would be an already underrepresented mother-daughter story that could have commentary on feminism and gender roles, religion, and her estranged daughter’s vampirism could be a metaphor for all kinds of thoughtful things! You know, if a competent writer wrote it.

Which of the books would make the “best” film adaptation? The worst?

Matthew says: I hate to say it (although it’s not like I wouldn’t hate to say any of these books…) but I bet Beautiful Disaster would be much improved by the editing and time constraints required of a film adaptation. Out of the books we’ve read, it probably comes the closest to having developed characters (even if they’re all terrible) and a narrative arc. The book worst-suited for a film adaptation would unquestionably be Fifty Shades of Grey. Ironically. There isn’t enough substance in terms of character, plot, narrative pacing, or literally anything that would translate into the “shit you have to stare at” medium of film. I eagerly anticipate the day the Fifty Shades movie inevitably winds up on Wikipedia’s List of Films Considered The Worst and Ariel and I can say, “Uh… yeah…”

Ariel says: Yeah, and we’re going to ride that gravy train. Blogging our little hearts out about that shitty film. You know, I think House of Night‘s redeeming feature could be that Zoey’s horrible and constant asides won’t be in any film adaptation. They’re so distracting and detract from the story 99% of the time. Removing those won’t suddenly create a plot, but it would be an improvement!

Not including the Goosebumps or Magic Treehouse books, if you had to pick the “best” book out of what you’ve read so far, what would it be? (if “best” is too much of a stress, than the “one that would give me the least amount of pain if I had to re-read it”)

Ariel says: I really can’t make up my mind. I wouldn’t want to re-read any of these at all. Whatever the shortest one was?

Matthew says: Oh God, they’re all so awful. I’m sobbing just contemplating this. Probably either Walking Disaster, because I could at least get some fleeting, shameful entertainment out of a trashy read, or the first House of Night, because at least it would be over really quickly.

What book/series have you enjoyed blogging about the most so far?

Ariel says: I had so much fun doing The Disasters. I loved getting to read Travis’ awful perspective without having to read the book, and it was fun seeing which scenes McGuire chose to include or leave out from each book. Provided a lot of laughs!

Matthew says: Probably Fifty Shades. For a repetitive, three-book series, it was somehow constantly coming up with new ways to be stupider. At least it was always a wealth of good material for scathing mockery! The first House of Night might be a close second, though. It’s so inane and inconsistent, it reads like the result of a drunk high school girls’ game of telephone.

If all the heroines from the books you’ve read had to fight to the death with only one left standing, who would be victorious?

Matthew says: Depends. If this was an all-out, battle royale fight to the death, probably Crossfire‘s Eva. Most of them would pretty much take themselves out, and here’s how I see it going down. Fifty Shade’s Ana and Hush, Hush‘s Nora wouldn’t have the mental capacity to understand what was going on, so they’d be taken out really quickly. Pamela would let her guard down by stopping to write a letter about what was going on, and The Host’s Wanderer would die immediately in an act of heavy-handed self-sacrifice trying to save her. Magic Tree House‘s Annie would sprint headfirst into a dangerous situation and wouldn’t last very long either. You might think that House of Night‘s Zoey would get pretty far into this with her vampyre powers, but so far her vampyre powers are, like, grooming horses and talking to cats. Beautiful Disaster‘s Abby would be targeted early on for wearing a cardigan, but would probably get rid of it in the first two minutes and then become a different character entirely and might put up a decent fight. But really it all comes down to this: Eva is the only character who ever learned how to fight. ALTERNATIVELY, were this a one-on-one tournament kinda deal, Zoey would win hands down, because everyone would kill themselves after listening to her talk for a few minutes.

Ariel says: I can’t even follow that up, it’s too accurate. All I know is, if Matt had his way and The Hunger Games was on this blog, Katniss would kick all of their asses. [Matthew adds: WORD. Katniss is a fucking boss.]

What would you say if the author of one of these books admitted to reading this blog? What advice would you give them?

Ariel says: Depends which author it is! It’s okay not to have your characters have the same argument a thousand times in each book. It’s okay to have a plot. It’s a good idea to have characters with more depth than “he’s gay and uses big words.” Or it’s okay not to write a creepy romantic lead

Matthew says: This is such a wonderful question! I honestly do wonder if any of the authors have stumbled across our blog, but I guess that most of them probably don’t go poking around on the internet for scathing criticism (except for Jamie McGuire). I’d basically just hope they at least have a good sense of humor about it!

As for what advice I would give them, wow, no one man should have all that power. Having previously worked as a tutor in my college’s writing center, my advice would basically boil down to, “Get an editor”. And I don’t mean the yes men working with the Casts on House of Night, either. An editor helps you figure out what you want your work to say, and whether what you’ve written actually says that. If there’s any one, simple, recurring problem with all of the books we’ve read on this blog, it’s that no one was telling these authors that not all their ideas were good ones.

Thanks for celebrating the blog’s two year anniversary with us! We had a lot of fun answering your questions, even though I discovered some horrific revelations about Matthew in the process. [Matthew says: It is hardly my fault that The IT Crowd is terrible.]

Previously, Gideon and Eva had sex! Seriously, that was all chapter two was, so yeah, you’re all caught up now.

Chapter 3

Gideon wakes Eva up the next morning, so they can talk about their relationship some more, which is exactly what this book was missing.

I opened one eye, then the other, so I could fully admire his three-piece suit. He looked so edible, I wanted to take it off him—with my teeth.

That sounds incredibly difficult, which would mean another potential sex scene would be long deterred, so I’m all for Eva trying this out. [Matthew says: Wait, is Gideon edible or is the suit edible? If Gideon is what's edible, why does she want to take off the suit with her teeth?]

Gideon reveals that he’s “taken over” the apartment next door to Eva’s in order to make their reconciliation “suitably gradual.” Uhhh am I missing something? Is moving into the apartment next door to your ex somehow a sign of a gradual reconciliation and a suitable way to ease suspicions about your mutual involvement in a murder? This definitely seems like a tactic which should be widely adopted by all clever murderers (and their significant others) in the near future.

“…I’ll keep up the appearance of using my penthouse for the most part, but I’ll be spending as much time as possible as your new neighbor.”

I’m really not understanding why he had to get the apartment next door in order to only be there when he’s not keeping up appearances. He’ll still have to go into the same building and go to the same floor as Eva. Oh, but I guess people will be completely thrown when he enters the apartment next door, and they will have no idea that he sneaks into Eva’s apartment via the secret passageways he’s just built. Definitely an excellent plan, Gideon. Flawless!

What I think would be an even better plan is if every time Gideon showed up at Eva’s building he was in some sort of ridiculous disguise. “I’m just the pizza delivery man delivering our special Innocent Until Proven Guilty Pizza” or “I’m just an innocent local plumber and respected member of the community here to repair a leak! No collusion to see here!”

“I’m not a suspect, Eva. I’m not even a person of interest. My alibi is airtight, and I have no known motive. We’re just showing the detectives some respect by not insulting their intelligence. We’re making it easy for them to justify their conclusion that they’re at a dead end.”

Day had to try really hard to make up a reason why these two couldn’t just be in a regular relationship right now, didn’t she? It’s pretty insane that Gideon’s worried about insulting the detectives’ intelligence, but Day isn’t worried about insulting the readers’. At. All. [Matthew says: And here I thought the platonic bed sharing bet from Beautiful Disaster would be the most contrived thing we've ever seen in a book.]

Eva tells Gideon this is all well and good and that all she wants is to satisfy him sexually (because it flows so naturally into this conversation), so they talk about how much they crave each other (because, again, the natural flow of dialogue in this book is astounding). Gideon gives a romantically charged monologue, with swoon-worthy gems like,

“When I come, I come for you. Because of you and your mouth, hands, and insatiable little cunt. And it’ll be that way for you in reverse. My tongue, my fingers, my cum inside you. Just you and me, Eva. Intimate and raw.”

Every good romantic speech contains the words “insatiable little cunt.” They’re the real magical three little words.

For some reason they talk about how Eva’s sex toys (her vibrators in particular) won’t be able to satisfy her. It’s bizarre because Gideon starts talking about Eva’s vibrator like it’s his direct competition, and Eva acts like it’s some sort of revelation that it’s not just an orgasm she’s after but that she specifically loves sex with Gideon. NO SHIT, DETECTIVE EVA. Here’s what I mean:

I thought of B.O.B., my trusty Battery-Operated Boyfriend, and knew that if Gideon were to stop touching me now, nothing would get me off. My passion was for him, my desire inflamed by his desire for me.

That desire sounds like a really bad infection, you guys should get that checked out. [Matthew says: Is it a law that any time vibrators get mentioned in romance, they have to be named "B.O.B."? I swear I've heard that joke a million times.]

Obligatory blow job scene.

After, Gideon explains that he’s gotten a burner phone for Eva, and she can use it to call Angus (Gideon’s chauffeur), who can put Eva in touch with Gideon. He also informs her that he’ll be using the burner phone to track Eva’s location, because they have such a healthy relationship and all.

Eva is appropriately annoyed, but Gideon points out that he wants to keep her alive. This prompts Eva to realize that all of Gideon’s overly over-protective moments were because he was worried Nathan was going to come after her. I thought we had already figured this out, but I guess we needed another scene about this.

Also, in case you forgot about that lipstick stain on Gideon’s collar that made Eva suspect he’d slept with Corrine at his office, detective Eva realizes that it was blood on his collar, not lipstick. Because when Nathan had come to Gideon’s office to show him videos and pictures documenting his abuse of Eva, Gideon had reacted violently unsurprisingly. [Matthew says: Fucking bullshit. More like because this was obviously just a minor plot hole Day didn't realize she hadn't resolved in the last book, when it was actually relevant.] Well, I’m glad we got that unsolved mystery out of the way.

That’s all well and good, but with Nathan out of the picture, why does Gideon still have to track Eva’s every move? Residual fear?

“Damn it. Do you think I want to micromanage you? There have been extenuating circumstances. Give me credit for trying to balance your independence with keeping you safe.”

If someone else has to balance your independence, doesn’t that take away everything that puts the independent in independence?

But it’s all super okay and fine because Gideon put directions to track his phone in Eva’s purse. Okay, so equality and feminism all around.

The rest of the chapter is dedicated to reminding us of the book’s team of minor characters. We see Cary and his boyfriend Trey making out in Eva’s Kitchen, Eva tells us how awesome her boss Mark is, and Eva makes plans with her buddy-from-work Megumi to go out Saturday night. Oh, and the chapter ends with Brett Kline calling Eva. [Matthew says: Plot rockstar ex-boyfriend is the new plot puppy.] MY GOD. This sets up the next chapter perfectly for an all out attack of the minor characters.

Back from vacation recap! Pamela is totally really actually leaving her Master’s employment to go back home to her family, which will totally really actually happen even though her Master keeps delaying it. And that’s it. Huh. I guess this novel could really be a lot shorter. [Ariel says: Pamela seems to have more words than House of Night but the same amount of plot.] [Matthew says: I'm not sure if most of what's in House of Night counts as "words", because it would imply they convey meaning.]

Letter XXI

Pamela begins another letter by saying she stopped the last letter because someone was coming, because apparently it is impossible to just pause for a moment. [Ariel says: Pamela pauses more to write letters than I do to check my phone. Seriously, people say technology is the problem, but it's the people! Just look at this historical evidence.]

I was forced to break off: for I feared my master was coming: but it proved to be only Mrs. Jervis.

Imagine how confusing that would have been if she just continued the previous letter and we didn’t know she had stopped writing it for a few minutes. Mrs. Jervis has updates about what a whiny buttface the Master is being because Pamela won’t put out:

Indeed, Pamela, he is very angry with you too; and calls you twenty perverse things

Feel free to come up with exactly twenty perverse things he could have called Pamela in the comments. JUST TWENTY.

We’ve talked a little bit about how one of the major themes of the (five hundred page…) novel is that Pamela and the Master are of different classes, and this makes any possible romance between them impossible. Although Pamela makes another, genuinely good point:

Yet, if I was the lady of birth [...] I don’t know whether I would have him: For she that can bear an insult of that kind, I should think not worthy to be a gentleman’s wife

Don’t worry! This proto-feminist thought goes away really quickly and we continue to spend the bulk of the 500 pages talking about class difference anyway, rather than how the Master is really kind of a douche.

Letter XXII

Speaking of the Master being kind of a douche, that’s basically all that happens while the novel is in “Pamela is totally really actually going back to her parents’ home” limbo:

Work [on the waistcoat]! said he; You mind your pen more than your needle; I don’t want such idle sluts to stay in my house.

Mrs. Jervis comments that “This love [of the Master's] is the devil!” and muses “how many strange shapes does [love] make people show themselves! And in some the farthest from their hearts.” Which is really weird, because 1) it’s kind of a good point, but you’d think that now having recognized that love changes people, it would maybe use this to maybe eventually develop the Master to a not shitty person, and 2) not even Fifty Shades makes this observation. Book published in 1740 identifying that love can make people act terribly? Yes. 2012 bestseller Fifty Shades identifying that love can make people act terribly?

Nope.

[Ariel says: Even more shocking? The Crossfire series actually addresses this the most. Actually, it addresses this too much. They're constantly talking about how their love is all consuming and makes them to crazy things (like murdering evil step brothers!)] [Matthew adds: The difference is that Crossfire maintains that this isn't a problem.]

Pamela also mentions that she ran out of paper, but one of the Master’s servants, Mr. Longman, gave Pamela more paper. Thanks, Mr. Longman. You shouldn’t have.

Letter XXIII

The Master has a fancy dinner party, and his upper-crust guests all discuss word on the street that the Master (whom we also learned is actually named Mr. B—-, which is… not actually helpful) has a servant-maid who is “the greatest beauty in the county”. They go around the house searching for Pamela, who apparently must record this as it is happening.

I believe they are coming; and will tell you the rest by and by. I wish they had come, and were gone. Why can’t they make their game without me?
Well, these fine ladies have been here, and are gone back again.

It’s like live-tweeting, but really boring. [Ariel says: This is why there's no movement to go back to live-letter-writing.] They eventually find Pamela, and one of the ladies suggests that Pamela is so pretty she would never let her and her master be in the same house together. Pamela quips that “it seems [this Lady] is called a wit”, which is actually a pretty decent burn for someone who just live-tweeted hiding in a closet.

Letter XXIV

Pamela tries on some new, lower-class clothing for when she returns to her parents. She shows Mrs. Jervis, which backfires when the Master walks in on them and pretends to not know who Pamela is! What a wacky misunderstanding! Mrs. Jervis, however, continues to challenge Beautiful Disaster‘s America for the title of “worst best friend”.

She smiled, and asked, If his honor did not know who it was?
No, said he, I never saw her before. Farmer Nichols, or Farmer Brady, have neither of them such a tight prim lass for a daughter [...]
If your honor won’t be angry, said she, I will introduce her into your presence; for I think, says she, she outdoes our Pamela.

The Master and Mrs. Jervis laugh about playing dumb, and the Master is all “lol you’re so pretty I must kiss you” and Pamela is all “MRS. JERVIS WTF” and Mrs. Jervis is all “LOL IDK”. You know, basically. It eventually results in another conversation where the Master and Pamela argue over her future, and the Master is all “Why don’t you want to wait on me or my sister?” and Pamela is all “You’re a jerk and I want to go home” and the Master is all “Whaaaa!” You know, basically.

Pamela gets a letter from Mr. Jonathan that the Master was overheard telling Mrs. Jervis, “by G-d I will have her!” and warns her to “Burn this instantly”. Naturally, Pamela copies the letter verbatim, because logic.

You know the joke.

Letter XXV

You may be thinking, “Hey, Matthew, I was promised the 18th century Fifty Shades! When’s some really weird shit going to happen in Pamela?” How about the Master hiding in Pamela’s closet?

Strange things I have to tell you, that happened last night [...] but I will not keep you in suspense.

Which is Pamela-talk for “get ready for a really fucking long letter”. [Ariel asks: Is she still writing these letters to her parents?] [Matthew adds: Yep. It's a good thing they're poor and don't have day jobs, because they get absolute fucktons of mail.]

Pamela and Mrs. Jervis go to Mrs. Jervis’s room for the night and get into bed and begin to undress (which was not weird at the time because lesbians obviously hadn’t been invented yet). Mrs. Jervis doesn’t get why Pamela is mad at her for helping a guy sexually assault her. What nerve!

Pamela, I don’t wonder he loves you [...] I believe truly, you owe some of your danger to the lovely appearance you made.

Good thing we’ve made so much progress since 1740 that nobody ever says “She was asking for it!” anymore!

Pamela hears a rustling in the closet, but Mrs. Jervis says she’s just hearing things. She soon hears more noise and goes to check:

O dreadful! out rushed my master in a rich silk and silver morning gown.

I really wouldn’t have understood the horror of this moment if I hadn’t known the material of what he was wearing.

The Master tells Mrs. Jervis to go keep the rest of the staff from rushing to the room after all the noise, but she refuses, throwing herself around Pamela, insisting he will not hurt her, and that “I will lose my life in her defense”. The Master’s next move is to feel up Pamela, because Richardson seriously only has that one move.

I found his hand in my bosom [...] I sighed and screamed, and fainted away.

Fun Fact: Startled women faint a lot! Science! The Master has left when Pamela comes to. Three. Hours. Later. That is a long time to be unconscious from shock. Like, “Pamela should probably go to a hospital”-long. Science!

Can I tell you how upset I was that Ariel used this gif before I did? Because I was SO UPSET.

For the past week or so I have been with Ariel visiting her family in the States. We’ve gotten a lot of fun stuff done (Long Beach Island and a Memorial Day barbecue to boot) but, unfortunately for me, she’s also crammed doctor and dentist appointments, a haircut, and a trip to the nail salon into her busy schedule. My choice: sit in various waiting rooms while those around me gawk at my hilarious accent or stay in the house and find another way to entertain myself while she’s gone. This is how I came across Paul Sloane’s Lateral Thinking Puzzlers, a book that has kept me, if not entertained, then at least occupied over the past few days.

The first thing that got to me was the title – what the fuck is a ‘puzzler’?

Last time I checked ‘puzzle’ was still a perfectly valid term, making ‘puzzler’ one of the most redundant words in the English American dictionary. The last book that I read was Freakonomics, which encourages the use of logic to solve problems, so I’ll admit that this ‘lateral thinking’ nonsense came as a nasty shock to my system. Here’s a relatively simple ‘puzzler’ that I failed to answer:

One night during the Second World War, an allied bomber was on a mission over Germany. The plane was in perfect condition and everything on it worked properly. When it had reached its target, the pilot ordered the bombs released. They were released. But the bombs did not fall from the plane. Why should this be so?

Answer:

The plane was flying upside down.

Admittedly this answer begs the question of why any trained allied pilot might try to bomb his enemies in an upside down plane. Or even how a high-ranking official determined this lunatic capable operating an expensive and deadly military aircraft in the first place. But, ‘Hey’ Paul Sloane would say, ‘prying questions of that sort are against the spirit of lateral thinking exercises.’ Fair enough – you win this round, Sloane.

My prime concern is not this answer as such; I am more concerned by the fact that this is possibly the most sensible answer in the entire book. Sloane initially adopts four or five brain teasers that have been knocking around for decades and then proceeds to pull the remaining ninety-five or so puzzles straight out of his arse. As I go on, do bear in mind that Sloane closes his description for the book by writing, ‘Everyone will join in, to try and come up with the apparently impossible solution – and will groan when the obvious answer is revealed.’

A man entered a house. There was no one else in the house. He walked into a room, stopped, and then slowly raised his hands above his head. After a moment, he turned around, let out a laugh, and left. Why?

This one really threw me. There’s so little context and absolutely no explanation for what’s going on. At least the allied bomber was fighting in the Second World War – why is this man laughing at empty houses? Why should I care? Sloane deeply intrigued me with this one, and that’s probably why his solution made me so angry.

Answer:

The man was a burglar intent on robbing the house. When he reached the library, he heard a harsh voice say ‘Hands up!’ When he looked around, he saw a parrot in a cage.

That was a pretty contentious use of the word obvious, Paul. I can think of ten solutions off the top of my head that are more obvious and make more sense than this. And say what you like about this parrot, he still managed to deter the burglar from stealing whatever it was in the room that he had his eye on. This burglar was almost as idiotic as the jolly old fly-boy who tried to drop bombs through the roof of his plane, the aerial equivalent of pointing a gun at oneself and pulling the trigger. Sloane’s protagonists seem to be, more often than not, people who are entirely inept at their chosen professions.

Those were both easy ones – the following puzzle is from the ‘moderate difficulty’ section:

A woman sat at her kitchen table with her two sons. She spoke to each of her sons and they replied to her, but the sons never spoke to each other. The boys had not fallen out and did not dislike each other. Although they conversed freely with their mother, they never addressed a word to one another. Why?

Always be suspicious of a lateral thinking puzzle where the answer is considerably longer than the question.

Answer:

The mother was a Russian who was widowed during the war and who had fled to the West, leaving her first son behind with his aunt and uncle. She settled in France, married a Frenchman, and had a second son. When her first son visited her for the first time, there was a tearful reunion around the kitchen table. However, neither half-brother could speak the other’s language, so they could converse only through their mother.

What really gets me about this one was how weirdly specific the answer is: the nationalities; the heartbreak; the ‘tearful reunion around the kitchen table’ which has absolutely nothing to do with the question or the answer. After delving further into this book I realised that Sloane’s puzzles only increase in difficulty because the answers become more and more ludicrous. The answers to the simple questions are generally two or three lines in length; there is an answer to one of the hardest questions which takes up an entire page. Meanwhile the questions themselves hardly change at all. The whole thing becomes less of a thinking exercise and more of a test to see which participant has taken the most LSD.

Another hilarious thing about this book is how frequently ice presents the perfect solution. It could be the remnants of a melted snowman, the absence of a block to stand on or the disappearance of a murder weapon – in all scenarios, ice is a lateral thinker’s best friend. Ice is to lateral thinkers what breakups are to Taylor Swift.

One positive outcome of this book is that it gives me the chance to begin a new regular feature for the blog. Every week I will post a lateral thinking puzzla’, along with the answer to that of the previous week, and you can give your prospective answers in the comments section. A correct answer will win nothing whatsoever – in fact I will probably be highly suspicious of any correct answer and assume that you (a) googled the question or (b) are lucky enough to own a copy of this book yourself. [Matthew adds: "Lucky?"][Ariel says: I know I feel truly blessed that my family owns such a precious gem of a book.]

I will leave you with a puzzler from the ‘fiendishly difficult’ section of Lateral Thinking Puzzlers:

A man lies dead inside a trailer. He has shot himself. Close by him is a block of wood. It is a plain piece of wood about two feet long by one inch wide (61 cm by 2cm). The wood carries no writing or other markings and yet, it is fair to say that the sight of this piece of wood on this day caused the man to commit suicide. Why should this be so?

Just remember that Paul Sloane hates you and will do the upmost to ensure that you will never solve the riddles that are the product of his dark and twisted mind. Ciao!

Previously, Erik returned from his Shakespeare competition, and Zoey felt guilty about her encounters with Loren and Heath. Given there isn’t really a plot to speak of, writing about what happened in the previous chapter [Matthew says: or the entire book] seems about as contextually relevant as telling you what happened on a previous episode of Spongebob before you sit down to watch it.  

Chapter 20 

The chapter begins with Zoey and her crew prepping for the ritual that she’s been prepping for this whole book it seems. Why do I keep getting the chapters about rituals? It’s a travesty. [Matthew says: I keep getting the Loren Blake chapters. Shut the fuck up, Ariel.]

It was a big change to have me lead the Dark Daughters. Aphrodite had been leader for the past two years, and in that time the group had become a cliquish, snobby club where fledglings who weren’t part of the “in” crowd were used and made fun of.
Well, things were changing tonight.

Maybe I’d be more inclined to believe this if there was even a shred of evidence of how open-minded and welcoming Zoey is to people she doesn’t perceive as cool. Zoey’s version of being open-minded is to think something along the lines of, “He looked dorky, but not like one of those horrible dorks that no one wants to talk to, but a semi-attractive dork.”  [Matthew says: Or that time Zoey thought, "Damien was cute. Not in the overly girly way so many teenage guys are", because all outcast teenagers are equal, but some are more equal than others.]

I glanced at my friends. We’d all hurried to change our clothes before coming to the rec hall, and everyone had chosen to wear solid black to keep with the theme of the amazing dress Erik had given me. I glanced down at myself for the zillionth time. The dress was simple, but perfect. It had a round neckline that was low, but not as low as ho-ish Aphrodite’s ritual dresses had been. It was long-sleeved and hugged my body to the waist, from there down it swirled gracefully to the floor.

If you imagine Zoey as Chris Liley’s Ja’mie, everything suddenly makes a lot more sense. Especially her ridiculous hypocrisy. Seriously, one of the funniest things in Ja’mie Private School Girl is that Ja’mie is constantly saying how warm and kind she is and then in the next scene she’s antagonizing someone who isn’t in her group of friends. [Matthew says: That's actually the most concise summary one of us has ever written of House of Night, and it was about a different show.]

Zoey observes Stevie Rae freak out while moving some candles with Damien, and Zoey proceeds to give us the most convoluted and unnecessary narration possible:

“Uh, Zoey, could you come here for a second?” Damien asked. He sounded normal again, and had I not been watching what had happened between the two of them I would have thought nothing more was going on than maybe they needed help with the candles. But I had been watching, which is why I didn’t yell from the center of the circle and ask what they wanted.

Good thing Zoey clarified that she’d been watching the scene that she’d told us she’d been watching and then explained why she didn’t do something I hadn’t been wondering if she would do. Otherwise that scene might have been really confusing.

Still looking wide-eyed, startled, and more than a little pale, Stevie Rae said, “Can’t you smell it?”

As you probably suspected, Stevie Rae let out a gigantic fart, so she called Zoey over to see if it was obvious.

But actually they somehow realized that Stevie Rae has an affinity for Earth and they’re smelling honeysuckle or some weird bullshit. Or Stevie Rae’s farts smell like honeysuckle, we can’t be too sure yet.

Zoey tells us how awesome it would be if Stevie Rae had been blessed with super special powers like Zoey. Does anyone actually believe that Zoey would be happy for Stevie Rae? I sure don’t. I feel like if anyone tried to dethrone her from her position as Queen of the Mary Sues she would secretly go ape shit.

Zoey gets one of her infamous “feelings” [Matthew says: No, really, it's actually narrated in the book as, "Then it happened. I had one of my feelings." Even House of Night is writing jokes about Zoey's "feelings" now.] and has all of her friends stand in a circle. Shock of all shocks they each have an affinity for an element. WUT ARE THE ODDS OMG.

Erik has been lurking around for this revelation, and I’m surprised the Casts didn’t invent some new element for Erik to have an affinity for. Better yet, I wish Zoey had made up an affinity for him the same way you give a baby a fake key ring to chew on. “Erik you totally have an affinity for Hollister – don’t you smell their cologne in the air?” I just assume Erik wears Hollister cologne. Seriously, from what I can tell all having an affinity for an element means is that suddenly the air around you smells different.

I guess maybe Zoey can accept her friends’ elemental affinities because she’s still got an affinity for all of the elements, thus continuing her reign as Queen Mary Sue.

Following my gut feeling I motioned for Erik to come back to the center of the circle, which he did with a huge grin on his face.
“That may be the coolest thing I’ve ever seen,” he said.
“Just wait. If I’m right, and I think I am, there’s more.” I gave him the blue candle. “Now take this one to Erin.”
“Your wish is my command,” he said with an old -time flourish. If anyone else bowed like that in public they would have looked like an utter dork. Erik looked like an utter hottie—part gentleman, part bad boy pirate.

Where in God’s name did “bad boy pirate” come from? The Casts shouldn’t be allowed to describe a person’s level of hotness anymore the same way 50 Cent should not be allowed to throw a baseball.

After all the girls realize they have an affinity for the elements, it’s Damien’s turn to see if he does too (hint: he does). It’s also time to see that even the elements can’t stop equating Damien’s sexuality to femininity (newsflash that will blow your mind: gay men are still men):

In Soc class I’d learned that it was unusual for a gift as strong as an affinity for an element to be given to a male. Nyx gifted men with exceptional strength, and their affinities usually had to do with the physical, like Dragon, our fencing instructor, had been gifted with exceptional quickness and visual accuracy. Air was definitely a female affinity, and it would be nothing short of incredible for Nyx to gift Damien with an air affinity.

[...]

“Superb! Glorious! Wondrous!” Damien made use of his large vocabulary while his brown hair lifted and his clothes flapped crazily in the sudden wind that surrounded him. When he looked at me again happy tears were running down his cheeks.

“Nyx has given me a gift. Me,” he enunciated carefully, and I knew what he was saying in that one word—that he realized Nyx found him worthy even though his parents didn’t, and even though much of his life people had made fun of him because he liked guys.

I like how each of the last two paragraphs emphasize Damien’s only two character traits like his large vocabulary, which isn’t even that large in this example. Superb/glorious/wondrous are somewhat fancier compared to a word like “awesome” or “woah,” but not really all that impressive. [Matthew says: I gotta be honest here, I actually kind of liked Damien's surprise that something good happened to him. Taken with a considerable grain of heavy-handed salt, of course. But Damien's the only character I've come to give any degree of fucks about, between the Casts intentionally giving him homophobic parents and unintentionally giving him homophobic authors.]

Not positive, but it also seems like we may finally have confirmation that Damien likes guys! I haven’t been an English major in awhile, so it’s hard for me to do an accurate close reading of this scene.

Neferet takes this moment to stride in and praise Zoey and her friends…before telling everyone of Zoey’s plans for the group but kind of making them seem like her ideas and stealing Zoey’s thunder. Wow, someone who is a bigger asshole than Zoey! She’ll definitely be a solid enemy for Zoey in the future.

“I have also decided that it would behoove our fledglings to become more involved with the surrounding community. After all, ignorance breeds fear and hatred. So I want the Dark Daughters and Sons to begin working with a local charity. After much consideration I decided that the perfect organization would be Street Cats, the rescue charity for homeless cats.”
There was good-humored laughter at this, which was the reaction Neferet had had when I’d told her my decision to have the Dark Daughters involved in that particular charity. I could not believe Neferet was taking credit for everything that I had told her that night at dinner.

I still find it fucking hysterical that in order to foster more positive feelings between humans and vampyres they’re helping a homeless cats charity. At least the book kind of acknowledges that it’s pretty funny, I would have thought it would take itself way too seriously as usual.

Also, for once I’m with Zoey, Neferet is a total cow. [Matthew says: Yep, Neferet has truly established her position as a secretly evil antagonist by doing something so dastardly as stealing credit for a teenager's ideas for a school club. Fuck your social prejudice and quest for eternal life and reign over humanity, Voldemort! Neferet's pretending she came up with an idea to help stray cats!][Ariel says: I just hate idea stealers so much! They're in an evil category all of their own. Can you imagine if Voldemort had also taken credit for Harry's, or more accurately Hermione's ideas? A truly terrifying thought.]

Neferet then brings in some wet cement so the prefects can all leave some handprints.

Neferet: Zoey, this was totally your awesome idea!!
Zoey: Thanks for giving me credit for the one idea that was actually Damien’s. [Matthew says: Fuck your horcruxes, Voldemort! Neferet has second grade art projects!]
Neferet: Great idea, Damien!
Damien: I’m both the gay which means I like guys AND the gay which means I’m happy. LOOK AT MY VOCAB SKILLZ.

Tune in next time to see what words Damien will use next!

So as you might know, I was in South Korea for a week and a half! While I was there, I got to see the English section of a public library and see what classics were represented!

Humorously, Goosebumps was right next to a lot of the syllabus texts from the senior thesis Ariel and I were in.

And even stretching the definition of “classic” by Bad Books, Good Times standards:

In between Henry Fielding and Gustave Flaubert, naturally.

Chapter 21

Previously on House of Night, Neferet finally showed her first open signs of villainy by… taking credit for a high school girl’s ideas. Villainous!

Now that we have established Ja’mie is Zoey, get used to seeing these gifs around. There is one for every situation. And everything suddenly makes so much more sense!

But lest you worried that Zoey would have to face a problem for more than one chapter… well… I… I really don’t know why you would worry about that.

Before the ritual starts, Zoey muses on how the only person who would believe her that something was wrong with Neferet is Aphrodite. It’s a clever twist because in the first book they hated each other! Talk about contrast! Zoey gets nervous because a large number of students have shown up to see Zoey’s first Dark Daughters ritual, which we’ve previously understood to be a private event for an exclusive club, but I can see why the Casts would change that without really offering any prior explanation, because now more people can appreciate how Zoey is the best at everything. Speaking of more people:

“I thought I’d volunteer my services to you.”
Loren’s deep voice had me jumping and making an unattractive little squeaking noise.

Yay it’s Loren Blake, romantic interest and poetry teacher at Zoey’s high school. Our favorite. [Ariel says: Wow, you really do keep getting the chapters with him! AND you got a ritual. I take back my complaint from the last post about getting all the ritual chapters. Sorry, buddy :( ] 

He gave me a long, slow, sexy smile. “I thought you knew I was here.”
“No. I was a little distracted.”
“Stressed, I bet.” He touched my arm in a gesture that probably looked innocent. You know, friendly and professorially supportive. But felt like a caress, a really warm caress.

[Ariel says: It sounds to me like pedophilia. Really warm pedophilia.] 

I like how the Casts have to constantly jump through hoops to make Loren not sound like a sexual predator. This would be like writing The Sound of Music fanfiction and constantly having to describe Rolf’s actions as “not Nazi-like”.

Rolf probably kissed Liesl like a sweet, nervous boy. You know, not like a Nazi.

Loren offers to recite a poem during Zoey’s ritual, like he does for the High Priestess’s rituals. Furthermore, he implies that he’s going to “clear up” Neferet’s stealing Zoey’s ideas for the Dark Daughters reformation!

“Really? How are you going to do that?” I asked with just a hint of a flirty smile, very aware that the entire room was watching us and that the entire room included my boyfriend.

Wow, somehow the Casts wrote a scene where a future statutory rapist comes off as more likeable than Zoey. It’s almost impressive how badly the Casts missed the mark at writing a likeable main character. [Ariel says: I know, I just can't let this go, but if you imagine the whole book as Ja'mie it is so hilarious and perfect. But since this wasn't the Casts intentions, I agree, how could they possible think Zoey comes off as likeable and cool?] 

Zoey looks around and determines that neither her boyfriend nor her friends thought her interaction with Loren looked weird, and then the ritual begins! Zoey prepares to dance as Loren recites a poem by William Blake and Jack (who is now Zoey’s sound guy for some reason) plays… Enya…

No, seriously, this is what’s in the book.

[Ariel says: Not going to lie, I've been listening to Enya as a kid, and I still love her music, so I am so mad right now. WHY WOULD THIS BOOK DO THIS TO ME??? It's also really weird and out of place in this scene!]

The magical sounds of Enya’s orchestral song “Aldebaran” filled the room. [...] When Loren’s voice began reciting the poem, he, too, echoed the cadence of the music, just like my body was, and it felt like we were making magic together.
“‘I have no name,
I am but two days old.’
What shall I call thee?”

How are these real words written in a real book. How the fuck do you read that poem in rhythm with that song? How did no one look at the line where the underage Zoey describes an experience with her teacher as “like we were making magic together” and not think “maybe there are a billion less creepy ways to word that”?

Zoey moves on to the part of the ritual that has appeared through House of Night more frequently than any given plot and/or subplot: another goddamned circle.

Circles are the new cave tours! Lemme know if I need to make a mug.

It is exactly the same as every other circle. There. Now you can read 5-7 pages of a completely different book. You’re welcome.

After the circle is cast and demonstrates Zoey’s talents and her friends’ talents but mostly Zoey’s talents, she begins a speech about changing the Dark Daughters “from the type of incense burned, to the abuse of our classmates” and fixing the Dark Daughters’ “old negative reputation”. She tries to clumsily work her “five ideals for the five elements” into her speech.

“My friend Damien is the most authentic person I know, even when being true to himself has been a hard thing to be.”

Wait, dang, that was actually a nice moment for the novel’s most sympathetic character! Maybe this won’t be so-

“My friend Erin’s beauty sometimes fools people into thinking she has great hair, but no brains. It’s not true. She is one of the wisest people I know”

Okay, the problem with this one isn’t – amazingly enough – Zoey insipidly bringing up something that would make her friend uncomfortable, but rather that this suggests that any details about Erin at all have been previously established.

The chapter ends with Zoey finishing her speech and with the audience cheering in awe of the Casts. I mean, Zoey.

In chapter 3, Gideon revealed that in order to convince the world that he and Eva were having a gradual reconciliation, he was going to move into the apartment next door to hers. Subtlety and strategy are perhaps not Gideon’s greatest strengths. [Matthew says: The man who told Eva "Your cunt gets so hot and tight, so greedy"? NOT subtle? Say whaaaaa?] This would be like saying in order to ease into a diet you were only going to eat regular bacon cheeseburgers instead of double bacon cheeseburgers. Actually, even that would be slightly less ridiculous than Gideon’s plan.

At the end of the chapter, Eva reminded us about all the fabulous minor characters this book has to offer, and, what do you know, rock star ex-boyfriend Brett calls to speak to Eva. [Matthew says: When Ariel was telling me about this chapter this weekend, she sounded legitimately distressed over the flood of minor characters who all suddenly reappear in this chapter. Which was pretty funny for me.]

Chapter 4

Attack of Minor Character Number 1 – Brett

My palms were damp just thinking about talking to Brett, [Matthew says: I don't think your nerves making you sweat is really best described with the word "damp".] and I was steeling myself for the little charge I’d get from hearing his voice and the guilt that would follow it. [Matthew says: Wait, is getting sweaty palms supposed to be a physiological reaction to sexual arousal? Because that's even more wrong.] It wasn’t that I wanted him back or wanted to be with him. It was just that we had history and a sexual attraction that was purely hormonal. I couldn’t shut it off, but I had absolutely no desire to act on it. [...]
He was tall and muscular without being too bulky, his body ripped from constant activity and the demands of being a rock star. [Matthew says: This phenomenon can of course be observed in many notably muscular rock stars like Roger Daltrey, Jim Morrison, and Kurt Cobain.] His golden skin was sleeved in tattoos, and he had piercings in his nipples that I’d learned to suck on when I wanted to feel his cock harden inside me [Matthew says: Okay, I realize I've said a lot in this pull quote already, but wouldn't that already be hard by that point?]

No desire to act on it? Really? Because it sounds almost identical to her attraction to Gideon. Super convincing, Eva.

Turns out Brett is going to be in New York soon to cause the same drama between Gideon and Eva that happens in every book. I mean, he wants her to be at the premier for the music video of his song ‘Golden’ (you know, the one about how good Eva is at giving head). For Christ’s sake his band’s name is Six-Ninths. LIKE 69, GET IT?? So they really really love writing songs about blow jobs. Just like that episode of South Park where Randy writes his own musical.

After protesting for two fucking lines, Eva agrees to go with Brett. I get that he thinks Eva + Single = Date With Brett, but that doesn’t mean Eva has to go on a date with him. That’s not going to bode well given she’s not actually broken up with Gideon as established by the last three god damn chapters where they had this conversation over and over again.

Eva thinks that by insisting they’re just going as friends everything will be fine. Someone please tell me when that has ever worked in one of these books. “OH we’re just going as friends, so why are you trying to kiss me? This is such a genuine surprise!”

Attack of Minor Characters Numbers 2 and 3 – Mark (Eva’s boss and friend) and Steve (Mark’s boyfriend.)

Eva notices Mark is grumpy, and he reveals that he wants to marry his boyfriend. But, uh oh, when his boyfriend proposed a few years ago, Mark wasn’t ready to get married. He lied and said he didn’t believe in the institution of marriage, so now he doesn’t know how to get himself out of this pickle! [Matthew says: This sounds like the most surmountable problem ever.]

Yeah Eva’s like, “You’ll never know until you ask,” and he just like nods at her and the scene is over.

Attack of Minor Character Number 4 – Will (some other guy Eva works with who is apparently a hipster?)

“You up for lunch?”
I glanced up into Will Granger’s earnest face. Will was the newest assistant at Waters Field & Leaman and I’d been helping him settle in. He wore sideburns and square-framed black glasses that gave him a slightly retro beatnik look, which worked for him.

Whew, I’m glad to know that look works for him, otherwise this scene could have been really awkward.

Eva tells us how dedicated Will is to his high school sweetheart, which is also good to know as otherwise I’d be SO WORRIED he was asking her on a date. [Matthew says: I swear I've never heard of this guy before, like Megumi, who showed up out of nowhere in the book 2 to apparently have been Eva's best work friend the whole time. Sylvia Day has now managed to retcon a character into her series instead of, you know, introducing them not once, but twice.]

Attack of Minor Character Number 5 – Shawna (Steve’s sister. For those of you who haven’t been taking rigorous notes, this is Eva’s boss’ boyfriend’s sister.)

Eva asks if Shawna can come out for a girl’s night on Saturday. [Matthew says: Maybe minor character number 15 will be Shawna's mailman, whom Eva said hi to once BUT HE ONLY NODDED BACK. That would be only a little less riveting than this subplot.]

Attack of Minor Character Number 6 – Gideon…Oh. I’m getting word that he is a main character. Sorry everyone, back to your regularly scheduled program. 

Gideon calls Eva to ask if they’re alright even though the spent three chapters establishing this. Take a xanax, Gideon.

I closed my eyes against a surge of longing. To know what I did now—how important he thought I was to him—made it so much harder to stay away. “I miss you so much. And it’s weird because everyone thinks we’re broken up and I need to move on—”
“No!” The one word exploded across the line between us, sharp enough to make me jump. “Goddamn it. Wait for me, Eva. I waited my whole life for you.”

Seriously, someone get this man a xanax stat. She wasn’t saying she wouldn’t wait for you, just that it was weird that people kept saying that shit to her and they had to keep secrets.

OH NO IT SEEMS ONE OF THE MINOR CHARACTERS HAS RETURNED FOR ROUND TWO

Wave 2 – Will returns, and this time he really wants lunch.

They get lunch apparently, and then the next line Eva is like, “Now I’m at the gym!” I’m not exaggerating:

Thinking a carbohydrate-induced stupor might be just what I needed, I stood and said, “Hell yeah.”
I picked up a zero-carb energy drink at a Duane Reade drugstore on the way back from lunch. By the time five o’clock rolled around, I knew I was hitting a treadmill after work.

Stringing together a bunch of disjointed scenes does not a book make. You know what this book could definitely use, though? A ritual! Those are some of the best plot devices around these days according to our friends who wrote the House of Night series.

Wave 2 – Attack of Minor Character Actual Number 6 – Tatiana (Cary’s girlfriend who isn’t his boyfriend Trey.) Also Attack of Minor Character Number 7 If You Consider Cary A Minor Character.

Eva comes home to find Tatiana and Cary hanging out.

“Same old. Hi, Tatiana.”
Her reply was a chin jerk. She was striking, which was to be expected since she was a model. Looks aside, I hadn’t really liked her all that much the first few times I met her, and I still didn’t. But looking at Cary, I had to admit she might be good for him for now. [Matthew says: Eva, your boyfriend murdered a dude. You should noooooot be allowed to weigh in on other people's relationships.]
His bruises were gone, but he was still recovering from a brutal beating, an ambush by Nathan that had set in motion the events separating me from Gideon now.

Presumably Eva is connecting the “I had to admit she might be good for him now” to his recovery, but the connection is not made clear at all. She’s a total bitch, but damn it she’s good for him! If Cary wasn’t dating someone else who was really nice, it could make sense that at least he wasn’t alone after that traumatic event, but Eva really had to grasp at straws here to justify Cary/Tatiana.

Eva heads into her room and Cary follows her to ask who he overheard her having sex with last night. Intrusive? Yes. True to real life BFF/roomie relationships? Yes.

Also true to real life, Eva doesn’t want Cary to know she’s back with her alleged ex, so she lies and says it’s some guy from work. This can only end well for their friendship!

Eva quickly changes the subject to ask Cary to come on her not-date with Brett. Cary startles me with his astuteness. But actually.

“You should’ve said no.”
“I tried.”
“No is no, baby girl. Not that difficult.”

DING DING DING! How is Cary proving to be the sanest character in this book? Cary. [Matthew says: I'm amazed how many ways this book is finding to lower my expectations already.]

“I don’t need a lecture about Brett, okay?” What I needed was Cary’s take on my relationship with Gideon and the concerns I had, but I couldn’t reach out to my best friend. That made everything going wrong in my life even more unsettling. I felt totally alone and adrift.

What? Why? All we’ve been hearing about this chapter in terms of Gideon is how much she misses him because they agreed to keep the relationship secret for now to protect Gideon from the police. During the scene where Mark said he wanted to marry Steve, Eva told us she wanted to spend her life with Gideon and would do anything to make it work. What concerns does she need to talk to Cary about that he hasn’t already advised her on? If it’s “should I date a murderer?” fair enough, but it seems like Eva doesn’t have any qualms about that at all.

If Eva’s concern is simply, “I’m concerned we can’t have sex twelve times a day and have to limit ourselves to six.” I’m pretty sure she can handle that one on her own.

After talking to Cary, Eva leaves the apartment under the guise of meeting her mystery man…and promptly walks next door of course.

My favorite housewarming gift was Waterford martini glasses. To me, it was just the right blend of luxury, fun, and usefulness.

Anyone think Day was winking at the reader here because she thinks she’s describing her own series? One of those adjectives is very spot-on. Or perhaps Day is getting paid for some product placement. I sure know here at Bad Books, Good Times, we think the best housewarming gift is one of our very own mugs! [Matthew says: To me, the "Haters, Baby" deluxe mug is just the right blend of snarky, funny, and coffee-drink-out-of-ness.]

Eva and Gideon both think the other one looks really hot, so I’m assuming the next chapter is just going to be a sex scene, but I guess you never know. Could be a good day for a zombie apocalypse finally.

Previously, Pamela’s Master tried to make Pamela fall in love with him by hiding in her closet when she was getting ready for bed. Maybe this was more likely to work in the 18th century, I dunno. [Ariel says: It's certainly not a tactic we've seen in any of the other books we've blogged about. Gideon and Christian just own all the buildings in their city and show up to their night club or restaurant when they find out their love interest is there. They should have tried the old hide-in-the-closet first!]

Letter XXVI

Today in “Pamela continues to be an efficient letter-writer”:

My wicked master went out early to hunt; but left word he would be into breakfast. And so he was.

“Hey, I got your letter. The one where you walked me through someone else’s itinerary. I… I don’t know why I had to read that.”

It’s been a little awkward since the Master tried hiding in the closet to make Pamela fall in love with him somehow, and now even Mrs. Jervis is pissed off and demands to leave the the Master’s employment with Pamela!

“I never could have thought that the son of my dear good lady departed, could have so forfeited his honour, as to endeavor to destroy a virtue he ought to protect.”

Wow! That escalated quickly, given how her last stance on the Pamela/Master matter was, “It’d be pretty funny if they kissed IDK“. [Ariel says: She's just like America from The Disaster series. One second America would watch Travis drag Abby from a party against her will like, "LOL you two," and the next second she'd be slapping Travis and telling him what a bastard he was. No consistency whatsoever.]  

The Master continues to act like everyone is making shit up about things he blatantly does in front of them, and laughs at Mrs. Jervis for being angry at him “for imaginary faults”. He then asks Pamela to show him where he grabbed her during the bedroom scene yesterday and bruised her arm. Yeah, sorry, I forgot to mention that. It’s almost like this book is so fluffed up with the same content again and again that I don’t know what things are going to be important.

said he: Pull your apron away; and let me see how you look, after your freedom of speech of me last night. [...]
I could not stand this barbarous insult [and] went up stairs to my chamber, and wrote all this

Why do we need to know that? You don’t need to tell us that you wrote it. We sort of just inferred that you wrote it. Because we read it. [Ariel says: I love how Pamela was so angry she had to go write a letter about it.] 

Letters XXVII-XXVIII

Pamela writes of another series of confrontations the Master has with her re: why she won’t sleep with him already. For a romance novel celebrated by academia, the male lead isn’t so much “romantic” as he is “kind of a neckbeard”. Remember that time in the preface where the author said that Pamela was to “entertain, and at the same time to instruct, and improve the minds of the youth of both sexes”? “Both” seems to be a little generous. For instance:

He took my hand, in a kind of good-humoroured mockery, and said, Well, urged, my pretty preacher! When my Lincolnshire chaplain dies, I’ll put thee on a gown and cassock, and thou’lt make a good figure in his place.

And:

I am thinking it would be a pity, with these fair soft hands [...] that you should return again to hard work [...] so I would advise [you] to take to a house in London, and let lodgings to us members of parliament [and] get a great deal of money.

Aaaaaand:

“Permit me to say, that if you was not rich and great, and I poor and little, you would not insult me thus” [...]
“Why so serious, my pretty Pamela?” said he

Yeah, Pamela? Why so serious when a man mocks you for not wanting to sleep with him and suggests you become a prostitute instead? Are you taking notes, men? There’s some pretty good instruction in here! Is your mind improved yet?

What a world we live in! For it is grown more a wonder that the men are resisted, than that the women comply.

Maybe the most perplexing thing about Pamela is that it has these actual, good proto-feminist points buried in hundreds of pages of “if a woman says ‘no’, just bother her for a really, really long time”. And that that’s still more than what Fifty Shades of Grey does somehow.

The Master has a friend over, tells him, “No, really! This bitch is soooo rude! Like so rude!” (to paraphrase), and encourages Pamela to say the mean things she says to him in front of his friend, so he can show his friend how mean she is to him. I am skeptical that logic even made sense in the 1700s.

Letters XXIX-XXXI(-ish)

Pamela takes a break from describing the terrible man we all know she’s going to fall in love with anyway to remind us how selfless she is, because it’s not enough for this novel to be the 18th century Fifty Shades of Grey, apparently it has to be the 18th century Stephanie Meyer novel too. She writes that “I shall think nothing too mean that is honest”, that “Bread and water I can live upon [...] with content”, and about how she refuses to take anything given to her by her late lady.

But she does also make some good critiques about immobility in the 18th century class system that remain interesting to a modern reader. See? I can be fair!

My good lady, now in heaven, loved singing and dancing; and, as she would have it, I had a voice, she made me learn both [...] and to work fine work with my needle. [...] Well now, what is all this to the purpose, as things have turned about?

Although she of course has to do so with her usual asides about who happens to be doing what while she’s writing the letter, because there’d be zero verisimilitude if she didn’t record every time she put her pen down for a second:

I must break off; here’s somebody coming. ‘Tis only our Hannah with a message from Mrs. Jervis – But, hold, here’s somebody else. Well, it is only Rachel.

[Ariel says: I need to start writing emails like this to people. "I must pause this email writing because someone is coming. Tis only my boyfriend bringing me coffee. ONE MORE SEC. Well, it is only Bob."] 

The day before Pamela is totally really actually leave for home, the Master makes one last attempt to get her to bang him stay. “In a kinder manner than ever I had known” he asks to have a “serious talk” with Pamela:

You have too much wit and good sense not to discover, that I, in spite of my heart, and all the pride of it, cannot but love you.

Although I guess most 18th century romance novels are the 18th century “Call Me Maybe”, if we’re being fair.

The Master reveals that he’s been intercepting Pamela’s letters, and fell in love with her as he found her “charming” (that’s nice!) and “so much above your years”, (aw, that’s also nice!), “and [above] your sex” (…well, it was the 1700s). Pamela is speechless, which works out nicely, because the Master hasn’t made everything even worse somehow yet. What’s his plan?

1. Have Pamela stay another week
2. Give her poor parents money to raise them from the lower class
3. Arrange a marriage between Pamela and… his chaplain?
4. Also keep macking on Pamela somehow

Wow, that unraveled remarkably quickly.

I shall think I don’t answer the care of my dying mother for you [...] if I don’t provide you a husband to protect your virtue [...] Young Mr. Williams, my chaplain, in Lincolnshire, who will make you happy.
Does he know, sir, said I, any thing of your honour’s intentions?
No, my girl, said he, and kissed me, (much against my will)

…is anyone learning anything yet?

Here’s the answer to last week’s shitty lateral thinking puzzle:

The man was a midget who worked in a circus as a star attraction because of his billing as the world’s smallest dwarf. Each day, he measured himself with a piece of wood that was exactly his height. One day, a rival dwarf mischievously sawed two inches from the piece of wood. The man mistakenly thought he had grown and would therefore lose his fame and status as the world’s smallest dwarf, so he committed suicide.

I feel like this whole situation escalated rather quickly – it went from a bit of harmless ‘mischief’ to the suicide of a beloved celebrity in only two sentences. Again, Paul Sloane has indulged in an overly elaborate backstory without giving the reader any relevant information which might allow them to come remotely close to the correct answer. To Sloane’s credit, his book does actually include a help section, only to be used each time the reader gets stuck (which is every fucking time unless you’re the guy who wrote the book). For this particular puzzle, Sloane’s first clue is:

Q: Was the man normal?
A: No.

Not only is that clue offensive to the vertically challenged, it is also NOT EVEN SLIGHTLY HELPFUL.

Congratulations to Dan, whose answer was half correct. There were many other good and bizarre suggestions but my favourite was A’s, which reads as follows:

The man was deeply in love with a vampire; they’d been on the run for months now, evading the Slayer and sticking to the shadows. He went out this morning to the butcher’s to buy some pig’s blood, but when he returned, instead of his true love lying there he saw only a piece of wood lying in a bit of dust. Finally that bitch Buffy had caught up. Unable to cope, the man quickly shuffled off his mortal coil in the hopes of reuniting with his love in the depths of Hell.

Now it’s time for this week’s puzzle:

One day a man received a parcel in the post. Inside, he found a human left arm. He examined it carefully and then repacked it and sent it on to another man. The second man also examined the arm. He then took it out to the woods and buried it. Why should they have done these things?

WARNING: The answer to this one is even less predictable than the first.

Can you solve the puzzle of the severed arm? Or have you reached your limb-it?

Insert useless recap about what happened during the last chapter. Hint: Loren and Zoey flirted and Zoey was good at things. 

Chapter 22

I know most of us have really been longing to read some more of Zoey’s hypocritical speeches because it’s like a day without sunshine when they’re not around.

“Each of you who believes you can uphold the ideals of the Dark Daughters and Sons, and will try your best to be authentic, faithful, wise, empathetic, and sincere—you may continue your membership in this group. But I want you to know that there will be new fledglings joining us, and they won’t be judged on the way they look or who their best friends are. Make your decision, and see me or any of the other Prefects and let us know if you want to stay with the group.”

Oh, barf. Where’s Aphrodite when you need her to come knock Zoey down a few million pegs? Granted, there was that one time when Aphrodite confessed that Zoey was better suited to lead the dark daughters, but she was under extreme duress when she said that. Remember her shitty parents? I sure barely do!

[Matthew says: But wait, Ariel! You missed the best, most hypocritical part of Zoey's speech:

I caught the eyes of some of Aphrodite's old buddies and added, "We won't hold the past against you."

The current ratio of Zoey referring to Aphrodite as a slut to the number of blow jobs she's given is roughly 919836452 to 1. And she didn't even give that one blow job. So I guess Zoey really doesn't hold the past against people! It is completely irrelevant to how thoroughly she'll judge you anyway!]

Mercifully, the ritual only lasts a few paragraphs as opposed to the usual few pages – an entire chapter.

As I’m sure you all vividly remember, Zoey and her friends want the new Prefects to leave their handprints in cement because They’re Important & Spechul Fucking Fledglings. How could you possibly forget something as interesting as cement handprints? [Matthew says: Oh man, I totally forgot about when this happened when I was six years old!]

Stevie Rae just wants to get it over with, and the gang can’t understand why she would ever want to get something like this over with quickly. I mean, can you think of anything more fun that listening to Shaunee and Erin call each other twin three times in the span of three very short lines of dialogue while sticking your hands in cement? I can’t. [Matthew says: Oh my God, they're literally stuck in cement having to listen to the Twins. This is the most horrifying thing that's happened in House of Night so far, and we're about to have our fifth dead teenager.]

Zoey suddenly hears some “weird sounds.”

When I realized what the weird sounds were I felt my heart clench.
Stevie Rae was coughing.

Since when is coughing a “weird sound”? Maybe if coughing had been replaced with “excessively farting” or “playing her iPod just loudly enough that you could hear it, but not loudly enough that you could immediately identify what was making that sound” I could get behind this description. [Matthew says: But before Detective Zoey and co figure out what's going on, they come up with a very logical explanation for everything:

"Clearly she's having PMS issues," Shaunee said.

Wait, I just noticed I wrote "logical" when I actually meant to write "THE ONLY THING THAT CAN EVER HAPPEN TO A WOMAN".]

Zoey tells someone to go get Neferet fast because there’s no way anyone could have a coughing fit in this book without it meaning they’re about to die.

She is right, though, because moments later Stevie Rae starts to bleed everywhere, and Zoey runs over to comfort her (only after Damien tells her to, mind you).

As far as this book goes, it’s actually a pretty nice scene when Zoey holds Stevie Rae and tells her she’s not going to leave her. I think some of its niceness might be attributed to the fact that Stevie Rae is unable to speak, Zoey doesn’t have any actual dialogue, and the twins are too stunned to say anything. [Matthew says: I feel the same way, Twin! There. In case the Casts ever read this, they can now see how fucking annoying that is.]

Damien, and not Zoey again, has the idea to call the upon the Earth element in order to comfort Stevie Rae, and it makes her pain disappear.

Everything in this part of the story is going really well until Stevie Rae goes and starts talking again.

“You don’t really have a mamma or a daddy, so would you tell my mamma that you’re their daughter now? I think I’d worry about them less if I know y’all have each other.”

I get that this is probably supposed to be one of the most emotionally resonating parts of Stevie Rae’s death(?), but unlike all the other things that have been said or done during this event (and that’s including the normal and non-annoying speech Zoey gives when she calls upon Earth to comfort Stevie Rae), it’s incredibly jarring. I don’t recall Zoey even speaking to Stevie Rae’s parents before, so I can’t imagine the conversation going over too well:

Zoey: I’m so sorry your daughter is dead (she was my best friend like Gus and Shawn were from Psych which is a show we sometimes watch on one of the hundred televisions in our common room), but she loved you, and I’m your daughter now. I’m realllly special, so you’re actually pretty lucky.
Mr and Mrs Stevie Rae’s Parents: What? Who even are you? More importantly, even if we did know you, how in the name of holy fuck would that make us feel any better? Our daughter is dead.
Zoey: …Have I mentioned I have an affinity for all FIVE elements? Stevie Rae only had one.

Stevie Rae tells Zoey her mom is totally going to make her chocolate chip cookies (doubtful) and that the rest of the gang should stay by Zoey’s side no matter what, and then she dies. Somehow I don’t think this is the last we’ve seen of her. And by somehow I mean because people have pretty explicitly stated this in the comments. [Matthew says: Dammit, guys! You spoiled House of Night for us! You guys spoiled it! That was the only contributing factor!]

Attention, Bad Books, Good Times fans who are mildly interested in the goings-on of the people who run this blog: Ariel just visited the States and we hung out in real life last weekend!

In case you wondered if we were still friends.

We even went to a nice rooftop bar in Brooklyn so we could take a fun picture for you guys with the Manhattan skyline in the background, but some goddamn bro refused to move for our picture. So we tried again later… only to have the skyline obscured by an incredibly tiny tree somehow.

I bet that tree never felt so important in its life.

This is why we’re not professionals.

Chapter 23

So! After Zoey’s successful first Dark Daughters ritual, Stevie Rae suddenly dropped dead for some reason. Pop quiz!

Zoey’s friends – who have now been reduced to “the two who aren’t even one character” and “the one who’s gay” – try to get Zoey out of shock by summoning Nyx, the vampyre goddess, by using their affinities for the elements.

Because now that there are elemental powers in this book, every single chapter must contain the opening sequence to Avatar: The Last Airbender.

It works, since the book is 100% making up the rules for what vampyres can do with their affinities for the elements as it goes.

Stevie Rae looked peaceful. She was too pale, and her lips were turning blue [...] and part of my mind realized that it smelled wrong – stale, old, dead. Almost like mold.

Didn’t she just die? [Ariel says: What a great twist it would be if it turned out she'd been dead all along. It would make about as much sense as anything else going on around here.] 

Neferet tries to get the others to take Zoey back to her room, and they give her something to give her to drink to “help her sleep without nightmares”. I guess we can give Zoey a pass since she’s in shock over Stevie Rae dying, but Zoey doesn’t make a single comment on how suspicious it is that Neferet, who is a secretly evil supervillain and/or just sort of a jerk, gives her an unidentified thing to drink.

Although, actually, I don’t think there are two words more antithetical to Zoey’s character.

You may have noticed I haven’t pulled many quotes from this chapter, because even when it’s done by a crappy writer, it’s kind of hard to make fun of the writing in a chapter where someone gets killed off.

Ha, just kidding!

“I’m sorry Stevie Rae died. I didn’t want her to,” Aphrodite said.

This dialogue is about as stiff as Stevie Rae’s body.

Thank you for reading my internet jokes, internet.

[Ariel says: I love how Aphrodite's words of comfort meet the bare minimum of kindness standards. It's like a half-step away from saying, "Well, I didn't not not want her to die, but I didn't exactly want her to die, so, sorry, I guess."] 

“Don’t say shit to us, you fucking hag!” Shaunee snarled. She and Erin stepped forward, looking like they wanted to beat the crap out of Aphrodite.

So Shaunee and Erin are behaving like they always do, then.

Zoey tells them to back off, and that she needs to talk to Aphrodite, where the dialogue becomes even more amazing:

“Did you know about what was going to happen to Stevie Rae?” I asked [...] “Did you have a vision about her?”
Aphrodite shook her head slowly. “No. I just had a feeling.”

OH FUCK, FEELINGS?!?! I think Zoey has those!

“I get them, too,” I said softly.
“Feelings about things or people?”
I nodded.

What the fuck.

This is real dialogue in this book. Not only has House of Night surpassed overly dependent on “character just has a feeling about what to do instead of actual reasons”-shitty writing… not only has House of Night surpassed using a character just having a feeling about what to do as an actual recurring plot device… but House of Night has now hit the point where it has two actual characters exchange actual dialogue about how they “get” “feelings about things or people”, as though this were a particularly unusual human phenomenon.

BUT WHAT IF OTHER BOOKS WERE WRITTEN THIS WAY?

• “I get them, too,” Harry said softly.
  “Letters in the mail?” Ron asked.
  Harry nodded.
• “They’ve got you, too?” Winston said softly.
  “The social contract as an abstract form or a more tangible form such as government?” O’Brien asked.
  Winston nodded.
• “I get them, too,” Christian said softly.
  “Orgasms?” Ana asked.
  Christian nodded. [Ariel says: I really thought you were going to write "erections" here for some reason.]

The irony is that having feelings about other people is rather unusual for Zoey.

Zoey mentions that looking back on it, there were signs that something was wrong with Stevie Rae – like when she kept coughing all the time and Zoey got mad at her and thought about how she looked like shit. Aphrodite tells Zoey not to drink what Neferet gave her, proving once again that Aphrodite is the only character in this book paying any attention to what’s going on in this book. [Ariel says: Which is even more significant because she's barely even been in it. Has she just been watching from the shadows (or behind an ornamental hedge?)]

Zoey’s friends get her back to her room, and the Casts continue to try desperately to convey the loss of a character they were never able to give any dimension to whatsoever:

“No!” I gasped. “They’ve taken her stuff! They can’t do that!” Everything that was Stevie Rae was gone – from the cowboy boot lamp and the Kenny Chesney poster, to the gyrating Elvis clock.

I don’t even need to write a joke. The Casts are literally saying that all that Stevie Rae was was a cartoonish Southern caricature. [Ariel says: Wait, Stevie Rae was southern? Next you'll be trying to tell me Damien is gay or something.] 

Maybe they can tastelessly work in a reminder into this scene that all that Damien is is a cartoonish gay caricature too:

“I’d stay, but it’s past curfew and I can’t be in the girls’ dorm,” Erik said. [...]
“I want to stay, too, but, well, I’m not actually a girl,” Damien said

Maybe the Casts can even work in a reminder that all that they are are cartoonish caricatures of people who can use words to convey stories and emotions!

I got in the shower and stood there for a very long time, letting my tears mix with the water and the blood and wash down the drain.

Oh, phew. I was worried they wouldn’t be able to.

Previously, Sylvia Day/Eva reminded us that Eva totally and completely 1000000% has a life outside of Gideon by parading around her minor characters in one action-packed chapter. By “action-packed” I of course can only mean that nothing at all happened and scenes like, “I ate a massive pasta lunch with Will and then went to the gym!” took up the majority of the chapter.

You win the world if you remember who the fuck Will is without looking at last week’s post.

Chapter 4

Eva’s just shown up at Gideon’s apartment (you know, the one next door to her own that will totally and completely 10000000000000& convince the police that NOTHING SUSPICIOUS IS GOING ON HERE), and Gideon immediately showcases his own bizarre and twisted version of a lateral thinking puzzle.

“Let’s make you comfortable, angel. You won’t need these heels until you’re ready for me to fuck you.”
My core clenched with anticipation. “What if I’m ready now?”
“You’re not. You’ll know when the time comes.”
As Gideon removed my shoes, I shifted my weight from one foot to the other. “Will I? How?”

Or, in a version written by Paul Sloane,

Eva’s just gone over to Gideon’s house to see him. They’ve had a short and complicated history including an incident where Gideon murdered Eva’s abusive step-brother who had been stalking Eva. This has only strengthened their True Love. Eva thinks she’s ready to have sex with Gideon now, but Gideon tells her she’s not. How will Eva know when she’s ready?

[Matthew says: Ariel, you haven't even let us know if Gideon is "normal". How the hell can we figure this out now?] Don’t worry, I’m not going to make you wait a week to find out the answer.

He glanced up at me with those intensely blue eyes. He was nearly on his knees, taking my shoes off, yet he was undeniably in command of himself and of me. “I’ll be pushing my cock inside you.”

To be fair it makes about as much sense as those answers usually do. But come on, Gideon. There has to be an answer that makes more sense than, “You’ll know you’re ready because I’ll already be inside you.” It completely begs the question. Imagine if you were like, “Mom, how will I know when you’ll be ready to take me to the store,” and her answer was, “You’ll know I’m ready because we’ll already be at the store.” 

Eva realizes that Gideon isn’t treating this new apartment like a temporary thing. In fact, he’s re-created a mixture of his place and Eva’s, and she’s loving it. [Matthew says: Where does Gideon find all these psychotic interior designers?] She discovers that he actually moved into this place during the events of the previous book when Cary was in the hospital (after being attacked by Evil Step-brother Nathan). Guess Eva was super oblivious to her neighbours or any activity happening in her building.

We say this a lot here, but if this was a horror movie, that would be pretty fucking terrifying. He moves in next door, Eva’s got no idea, he basically replicates a mixture of her apartment and his, puts photos of her up everywhere, watches her when she doesn’t know he’s there. It never ceases to amaze me how easy it would be for Sylvia Day to quickly edit these books into a horror series. Or a traditional Lifetime movie.

I’ve read a lot of odd conversations in this series which morph into an argument in the blink of an eye for no discernible reason, but this one is particularly perplexing. I’ve carefully assembled the sequence of events leading up to it in list-form for your convenience and sanity.

1. Eva has brought some towels over to Gideon, wrongly assuming he wouldn’t have towels or something.

2. Gideon asks what Eva’s intentions were by bringing him towels. “To help us dry off after a shower.” would have been too predictable of a response, so instead Eva explains that she wants Gideon to think sexy thoughts about her.

3. If you missed the chance to win the world by correctly remembering who Will was without looking at last week’s post, you also have the opportunity to win the world if you don’t barf at this next bit.

Eva asks if Gideon thinks about her when he masturbates, to which he responds that now that he’s met her he never masturbates because “I don’t have a drop to waste if I’m going to keep up with you.” Because apparently his cum is the source of his stamina. Men’s magazines everywhere, take note. [Matthew says: ROMANCE TIPS FOR MEN: Instead of a clichéd gift like flowers or chocolates, tell that special lady in your life, "ALL OF MY JIZZ IS FOR YOU."]

4. Eva says Gideon always makes her sound like a nymphomaniac. This surprises me because they both make each other sound like that all the time, and this has never seemed to be an issue before.

Again, if you failed to win the world the other times it was offered as prize during this post, here’s yet another chance. If you can fight those waves of nausea when you read this, it’s yours for the taking.

“You like sex, angel,” he purred. “Nothing wrong with that. You’re greedy and insatiable, and I love it. I love knowing that once I get inside you, you’re going to suck me dry. Then you’ll want to do it again.”

Dear God Gideon, stop talking about your cum this way. Your man!facts are all kinds of gross and wrong. It’s time for some good old fashioned myth busting.

The amount of interest a woman has in sex does not correlate to how much of your cum she sucks from your body. It certainly matters that she is interested in sex with you, consent is all kinds of good, but it’s not like suddenly a wall goes up in her vagina which prevents her from (apologies) sucking you dry if she’s less in the mood than the night before or even blatantly saying “no”. Our vaginas are not weird vacuums that have various settings depending on our moods.

There are no sources to back up my statement, because to my knowledge this is not actually something that has ever been contended despite all the strange and bizarre facts that have been made up about women and their anatomy in Society.

Anyway, Eva gets really really fucking mad. Not because Gideon is gross, but because…well, fuck me I have no idea why.

I felt my face heat. “For your information, I didn’t get off even once while we were apart. Never even got the urge because we weren’t together.”
He leaned into the counter, resting one elbow on the cool black granite. “Hmm.”
“I like fucking you because you’re you, not because I’m a cock-hungry slut. If you don’t like it, grow a gut or stop showering or something.” I slid off the stool. “Or just say no, Gideon.”
I marched into the living room, trying to get away from the unsettled feeling I’d had all day.

First let me ask, what unsettled feeling? We’ve been with Eva all day, but between giving us boring information about minor characters she couldn’t tell us about this “feeling.” Sorry to everyone here who also reads our House of Night posts and is sick to death of reading about these fucking “feelings” already. Sure, she said she felt slightly sad because she had to pretend she was broken up with Gideon while talking to her friends about their relationships, but that doesn’t seem to be what she’s referring to here at all. [Matthew says: ...why does he have to stop showering? That... that solves zero of these problems?]

Gideon and Eva have already long established that they’re insatiable when it comes to each other. I didn’t get the sense that Gideon was at all implying otherwise here, and I am never on Gideon’s side, so you can trust me as an objective bystander here. Man, it seems like I’m paying more attention to the relationship than the actual people in this relationship.

But then a second later everything is fine after Gideon cuddles Eva a little, so who even cares I guess?

Gideon wrapped my hair around his fist and tugged my head back. His gaze on my face was soft and serious. “You’re not upset about our incredible sex life. It’s something else.”
Sighing, I admitted, “I don’t know what it is. I’m just … off.”

Not even the author can figure out what to make the problems be anymore.

Gideon asks Eva to move in with him as soon as everything is hunky dory (so that could be never in my humble opinion.) Eva thinks of a few concerns she has about this but the main one is Cary.

I jumped to the biggest issue for me, though. “What about Cary?”
“The penthouse has an attached guest apartment.”

I love that Cary is basically going to be like their grown son that never moves out of his parents’ place. I’m sure he will absolutely love their lack of confidence in his autonomy. I also wonder if they’ll have to set down a strict no orgies during the week rule.

Eva then mentions the girl’s night out she has planned for the weekend. I’m not even going to comment on how often and quickly the conversation shifts abruptly. We’re all used to it by now.

He was suddenly all business when he said, “I’ll make the arrangements—car, driver, and security. If you stick with a circuit of my clubs, your security will stay in the car. You want to branch out, he’s going in with you.”
Blinking in surprise, I said, “Okay.”

This is how misogyny gets so normalized. After awhile you just start blinking and saying okay because why fight it? You’re just used to it by now.

You know what, though? I’d love to see the scene where the security guy is like, “Ladies, this dance club was NOT on the circuit. I’m going in!” Guns a-blazing and all. [Matthew says: Guns a-blazing? Ariel, we finished Walking Disaster.]

Eva then reveals she’s going to be seeing her ex-boyfriend Brett when he’s in town. Gideon is like, “I’m so sad, but it’s okay because this is all my fault anyway :(.” Completely not a manipulative guilt-trip or anything.

I struggled out of his hold. “What are you saying?”
“That I have no right to leave you and hurt you—for whatever reason—then expect you to forget how that felt and forgive me overnight.”
“You killed a man for me!”
“You don’t owe me anything,” he snapped. “My love for you is not an obligation.” [Matthew says: Just his cum.]

The whole killing a man for her thing should be more of a cause for concern than a reason to forgive Gideon overnight, but this series has really pushed the fact that Nathan was definitely planning on killing Eva and this was in her best interest, so whatever. I’m going to let this slide for now because I don’t have the energy.

I guess it’s nice that Gideon doesn’t have a meltdown over this and understands that he really hurt Eva even though he did everything for her protection, but Eva doesn’t actually want to see Brett, nor does it make any sense for her to go. Okay, I’m being selfish, I really don’t want to read the scene where she goes and Brett inevitably makes a move, and says, “WHAA you mean you really did mean we can only be friends?”

The rest of the chapter passes uneventfully with a series of nice moments between Eva and Gideon – listening to music, having a lasagne dinner, watching tv. I’m not buying it, y’all. I’m sure we’ll have more hilariously stupid drama next chapter. I don’t have to build a complex statistical model to predict that one.