So Ariel and I were talking, and we decided I should just add quotation marks to the quotes I pull from Pamela (Written before people really used quotation marks! Crazy!) to make it easier for people to read. That’s pretty much all I have to say. What’s new with you guys?

Letter XXXI

Previously, Pamela’s Master suggested that instead of going home to her family in order to get away from him and his constant unwanted sexual advances, she marry one of his friends and hook up with him on the side. [Ariel says: This is the same logic employed by guys who are like, "Do you want to go on a date with me? You don't? Well what if we're just hookup buddies instead! Problem solved."] 

For some reason, being married to another person was not the final push that Pamela needed to actually be interested in the Master, so she rejects his offer in a letter, which Pamela helpfully rewrites verbatim in her diary, because Pamela hates the environment and wants all trees to die.

I tried to Google a gif of the Onceler doing this from the original The Lorax cartoon tv special, and I ONLY got images from the CGI movie and wtf is that shit

The Master orders that nobody says goodbye to Pamela when she leaves, which she is apparently doing right now, as she writes this letter, because she helpfully writes that she’s too busy to write again:

Well, no more – I’m in a fearful hurry!

Pamela’s like that person who always posts a Facebook status that they’re running late for class or for work, but make sure to stop and write that down. [Ariel says: There's no time to get to class1!11 OMG SOOOOO BUSY! But first lemme take a selfie and post 12 status updates on Twitter and FB.] 

Of course, the letter can’t just end there. Pamela realized that Mrs. Jervis and the other servants will all miss her so terribly that she wrote them “a paper of verses, on my going”. Pamela has literally written poetry about herself for her friends.

I, from a state of low degree,
Was plac’d in this good family:
Too high a fate for humble me,
The helpless, hopeless Pamela.

Even if you believe that people actually did this in the 18th century, I doubt that anyone who did so wasn’t seen as a huge twat. [Ariel says: I wonder if people in the 18th century also hated it when people wrote about themselves in the third person.] 

One thing or two I’ve more to say;
God’s holy will, be sure, obey;
And for our master always pray,
As ever shall poor Pamela.

The poems are all, of course, Pamela talking about how selfless and amazing she is. In verse. Which doesn’t defeat the purpose so much as take a huge shit on it. But, hey, at least she doesn’t use them as an opportunity to make any catty, awkward, holier-than-thou swipes at her Master!

Their riches, gay deceitful snares,
Enlarge their fears, increase their cares
Their servants’ joy surpasses theirs;
At least so judges Pamela.

Or not.

BUT IT’S NOT OVER YET! It’s time to break the fourth wall!

Here it is necessary the reader should know, that the fair Pamela’s trials were not yet over; but the worst were to come

Is it really necessary? The “editor” (you may recall the novel presents itself as someone’s actual letters that were then published after the fact) interrupts Pamela’s narrative to tell us that the Master actually sent her to one of his other estates, because apparently Samuel Richardson thought the reader would be too stupid to figure this out themselves. It’s not like Pamela ever leaves anything out (“I stopped writing this letter for six seconds because I thought I heard somebody, but I did not, and will now continue!”), so we’d learn about this on the very next page anyway, because it, you know, happens next. It’s like Richardson was so proud of himself for this “Guess what? The Master didn’t really let Pamela go home!” plot twist that he had to explain it to us twice.

The editor also tells us that the “Master wrote a letter to Pamela’s father saying that Pamela is having a “love affair” with “a young clergyman”, and he has sent her away “to endeavor to prevent it,” which sounds like the sort of thing that Pamela couldn’t figure out herself and could be useful for the reader to know (if you’re impatient and don’t much care for, you know, plot). But Pamela finds out in about a dozen pages anyway, so there’s still no point to writing any of this.

The editor does tell us one thing that Pamela doesn’t immediately find out in the next chapter, but instead of making things make more sense, it does… the opposite of that. Pamela’s dad gets the letter, walks a million billion miles (citation needed) to the Master’s house, and has basically this conversation:

Dad: Uh… the fuck?
Master: I’m high class! Would I lie to you?
Dad: Gee, I guess not.

The Master also assures her dad that if he doesn’t get a letter from Pamela, that’s Pamela’s fault. Wouldn’t that be weird if a guy tried to control the female lead’s means of communication in a romance novel nowadays- oh, wait.

Then the editor includes a letter that Pamela wrote to Mrs. Jervis – in his aside outside of Pamela’s letters, because why the fuck not – telling her “I have been vilely tricked, [and] am carried off, to where, I have no liberty to tell”. Mrs. Jervis shows the letter to everyone, including Pamela’s parents, and the Master tells everyone, “Whaaaat? Haha, how weird is that?” So this whole aside ends with Pamela’s parents “praying for their dear Pamela” for basically the rest of the book. Which is… really depressing? Thanks, Richardson.

Letter XXXII

The novel continues with Pamela’s next letter, which tells us basically everything Richardson interrupted the story to tell us. Thanks, Richardson.

Let me write, and bewail my miserable hard fate, though I have no hope how what I write can be conveyed to your hands! […] O join, with me, my dear parents! – But alas! How can you know, how can I reveal to you, the dreadful situation of your dear daughter!

Wait, why was I complaining about the story being told by someone other than Pamela? I TAKE IT BACK.

Pamela decides to continue the letter, even though she won’t be able to send it to her parents for a long time to come, because someday she might want to look back on it and take account of all that she suffered. Seriously. Whatever floats your boat, Pamela.

Pamela tells the tale of how she didn’t notice something was up when the Master’s servant, Robin, was very obviously not taking her on the route back home:

[It] is very odd! But to be sure, thought I, Robin knows the way.

Detective Pamela only realizes she fell for the Master’s cunning ruse of “maybe she just won’t notice” when they stop at a total stranger’s for the night. But then she makes an even worse discovery:

“Pray, mistress,” said I, do you know ‘Squire B——, of Bedfordshire?” […]
the simple daughter said, “Know his worship! Yes, surely! Why he is my father’s landlord!”

Wouldn’t that be weird if a guy owned every building the female lead ever went to in a romance novel nowadays- oh, wait.

Pamela is shown a letter the Master wrote for her to read upon her arrival. It’s about as creepy as you’d imagine of a romance novel where “I loved you, so I had to kidnap you” is actually the plot.

The passion I have for you, and your obstinacy, have constrained me to act […] in a manner that I know will occasion you great trouble […] Yes, forgive me, my dear girl; for, although I have taken this step, I will, by all that’s good and holy! use you honourably.

I’ve actually never seen this movie; I’m just assuming this joke works.[Ariel says: I just watched this a couple weeks ago. It sort of works! I mean I guess he's planning on using her skin, er, honorably]

They get to where the Master sent Pamela away to the next day, and meet “the wicked Mrs. Jewkes”, whom Pamela tells us she’s only met once before, and that’s it. Really? Pamela goes into so much goddamn detail about who comes and leaves a room while she’s writing a letter and threw off her train of thought, but can’t be bothered to remind us who this person is or why she doesn’t like her? [Ariel says: Can you imagine if books today did this - oh wait.] 

Why don’t we wrap up this post with some good, old fashioned patriarchy?

“He is my master;” [Mrs. Jewkes said.] “And if he bids me to anything that I can do, I think I ought to do it” […]
“Why,” said I, “suppose he should bid you cut my throat[…]”
“Why now,” says she, “How strangely you talk! […] Is it not natural for a gentleman to love a pretty woman? And suppose he can obtain his desires, is that so bad as cutting her throat? […] Mighty miserable, indeed, to be so well beloved by one of the finest gentlemen in England!”

This book is frequently taught in college English courses for what are considered significant contributions to the Western canon!

To recap, here is the Paul Sloane puzzle from last week:

One day a man received a parcel in the post. Inside, he found a human left arm. He examined it carefully and then repacked it and sent it on to another man. The second man also examined the arm. He then took it out to the woods and buried it. Why should they have done these things?

And no, Matt, he wasn’t an arms dealer, but respect for that pun.

There were some other good guesses, although none quite so bizarre as the actual answer itself. Dan came closest – he had the right idea until his ingenuity somewhat led him astray. Also Dana pitched in with an inspired Hannibal-themed answer – Ariel and I have both agreed since that Hannibal-themed guesses are highly encouraged and whoever suggests them will be forever loved and admired by us.

Dana’s answer was unsurprisingly incorrect [Ariel says: Paul Sloane didn't have the honour of having seen this incredible show. Everyone go watch the television series immediately.], but I am now certain that Paul Sloane writes all of his ‘puzzlers’ while feverishly and repeatedly mumbling ‘THIS IS MY DESIGN.’ [Ariel adds: This fabulous in joke could be all yours for the very low price of watching Hannibal now.] 

Answer:

The three men had been together on a flying mission in the Pacific. Their plane had come down and they were adrift for many days in a dinghy. They had had some water but no food and were gradually starving to death. Eventually, out of desperation, they agreed to amputate their left arms in order to eat them. They swore a solemn oath that each would have his left arm cut off. One of the three was a doctor and he amputated the arms of one and then later of the other of his colleagues. Just before his turn came, they were rescued. However, his oath was still binding and he later had to have his arm amputated and sent to his colleagues for them to see that the oath had been kept.

Ariel says: This is Will Graham. He is from Hannibal. In case you were wondering, no, we’re not being sponsored to write this post…though I wish we were.

I know Will, I don’t understand either.

This answer is so fucked up that even Brian Fuller wouldn’t have thought of it. [Ariel says: I'm starting to strongly suspect these lateral puzzles inspired the style of story telling on Lost.] I never thought I’d see a weirder pact on this blog than the non-disclosure agreement that Christian Grey made Ana sign, but I was clearly wrong.

Did this doctor’s colleagues really expect him to cut off his arm even after they were rescued? Were they really that pedantic?? I can’t help but wonder if they never even considered the possibility that their pal might still respect the oath and cut his arm off, but, upon receiving the severed limb in the post, found it far too awkward to call up the doctor and explain the misunderstanding to him. If I was placed in that situation, I would probably do the same. [Ariel says: Their manners were actually more important to them than the pact.] 

In the spirit of fairness, this week I have chosen a puzzle where it is just about feasible that somebody will guess the correct answer:

The police in Venezuela have been trying to arrest a notorious criminal for some time. They know where he lives. On several occasions, they have obtained a warrant for his arrest and have gone to his house. However, as soon as they enter the house, he locks himself in his bedroom. The police then go away frustrated. Why should that be so?

Thinking caps on everybody.

[Ariel admits: Fine, okay, this post is brought to you by Hannibal and Mads Mikkelsen's accent.]

Woo! It’s been a little while, hasn’t it? But fear not! We’re back watching The Room and we return to a fantastic scene.

Johnny: I did not hit her! It’s not true! It’s bullshit! I did not hit her! (Throws plastic water bottle angrily in a sort of nonplussed way.) I did not. (The briefest of pauses.) Oh hi, Mark.

You know how the Rock ‘n Roller Coaster at Disney World (the one with Aerosmith) was really famous when it first opened for going from 0 to 60 MPH in less than 3 seconds? This is like that. The speed with which Johnny goes from utter indignation to an amiable recognition of his friend is almost as impressive as how Tommy Wiseau somehow manages to not actually act any differently for either of the two emotional extremes.

There’s a reason why that seven second clip is one of the most infamous moments from The Room: it’s kind of unbelievable how two such completely unrelated sentences with completely different tones transition into each other so quickly. Well, it is time to BELIEVE, because the rest of the scene is full of that.

This is the part where I’d ordinarily be screaming, “Look at this! Look at this!” but there is nothing to look at. Johnny goes from “I DID NOT HIT HER. I DID NAHT.” to “Oh hi, Mark.” without a single change in facial expression. Mark goes from watching this outburst to “Oh, hey, Johnny. What’s up?” without a single change in facial expression, as though he didn’t notice Johnny’s tantrum taking place in front of him, like he’s the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal or something. Look it up.

Watching this scene is perplexing, even by The Room standards. It’s actually kind of tricky to make fun of it, because that would suggest that the scene has an “it” tangible enough to make fun of. Johnny then explains that Lisa has accused him of physical abuse! I probably don’t have to tell you how logically their conversation flows.

Johnny: I have a problem with Lisa. She says that I have hit her.
Mark (indignation?): What? Well, did you?
Johnny: No, it’s not true! Don’t even ask! What’s new with you?
Mark: Oh, I’m just sitting up here thinking, you know?

Pictured: Thinking.

Wow, Johnny got out of that one really easily. If it were this easy to change the topic in real life, no one would ever get in trouble for anything.

Mark tells Johnny he has a question for him, and segues into this totally natural thing to just bring up for no particular reason:

Johnny: Do you think girls like to cheat like guys do?

Okay, but really.

That… that is quite a generalization, Tommy Wiseau. Johnny asks Mark what makes him say that, not because he’s horribly offended at the implication that all men are sex monsters with no capacity for allegiance, but because suddenly he is suspicious? Because… cause? Effect? Something like that? He gives Mark a curious look, but Johnny either talks himself out of it or Tommy Wiseau forgot what the last line of dialogue was.

Johnny: I don’t have to worry about that because Lisa is loyal to me.
Mark: Yeah, man, you never know.

Wait, wtf, Mark, what are you doing? You do know! Because she is being disloyal with you. This seems like a poor choice of conversation, Mark; I’m really not sure what you’re doing here.

Mark: People are very strange these days.

Apparently adultery is a brand-new phenomenon.

Anyway, remember what I was saying about how no two lines of dialogue in this scene make sense next to each other, based on how real people use words and feel emotions? Ready to take it to eleven?

Mark: I used to know a girl. She had a dozen guys. One of them found out about it, beat her up so bad she ended up on a hospital on Guerrero Street.
Johnny: (laughter) What a story, Mark!

WHAT THE SHIT? WHERE’S THE FUNNY PART OF THAT? WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING? OH GOD, WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?

Johnny: I’m so happy I have you as my best friend! And I love Lisa so much.

Be a little more on the nose, Tommy Wiseau. I’m not sure we understand the tragic irony that Johnny’s fiance is cheating on him with his best friend. More importantly, because I really can’t stress this enough, WHY IS MARK’S STORY SO FUNNY? Why is a story about a woman getting physically assaulted filling Johnny with a renewed love for life?

Mark: Yeah, man. You are very lucky.
Johnny: Well, maybe you should have a girl, Mark.
(Dramatic string music plays, so you know that this simple suggestion is actually ominously serious.)
Mark: Yeah. Yeah, maybe you’re right. (walks away slowly) Maybe I have one already.

MARK, THIS IS A DECISION OF VERY QUESTIONABLE QUALITY.

Johnny: Well, what happened? Remember Betty? That’s her name?
Mark: Betty? (Deep in thought) Yeah, we don’t see each other anymore. You know, she wasn’t any good in bed.

What are we even talking about anymore. I don’t even.

Johnny: That’s too bad. My Lisa is great when I can get it.

What are we even talking about anymore?

Mark: Oh, man, I just can’t figure women out. Sometimes they’re just too smart. Sometimes they’re just flat-out stupid. Other times they’re just evil.

I… what? Okay, let’s ignore the misogyny (a tall order, I know) for a second here: these don’t even make sense as categories. Too smart? Too stupid? Too evil? Look, Mark, you have clearly already set up a spectrum rather than a categorization system with those first two opposing qualities. You can’t go throwing in something that doesn’t fall on the smart/stupid spectrum now. Even if smart and stupid were different enough to be separate categories rather than just each being the lack of the other, this is not an especially encompassing system of classification. We escalate pretty hard from smart or stupid to EVIL. This would be like ordering a pizza where your only choices are pepperoni, no pepperoni, or imported artisan gluten-free crust. And that brings me back to the misogyny (…yay?): how did you escalate that immediately from smart/stupid to evil? Were there literally no other potential qualities of a person you could think of outside of intelligence and propensity for murdering puppies? Your OKCupid profile must be terrifying. Mark, I’m pretty convinced you know nothing about people, much less women. There is literally no other way a person could react to this statement.

Johnny: It seems to me like you’re the expert, Mark!

That is the opposite deduction to make here!

Mark laughs sadly and insists he is not an expert, which prompts Johnny to ask what’s “bovvering” him. Johnny leaps from his seat, repeatedly asking Mark if he has “some secrets”. Mark leaves, and Tommy tosses the football up in the air with a defeated, “Whatever”, making this the only time in the scene where Tommy and the viewer are on the same page.

We received yet another hysterical spam post that I thought I’d share with you guys.

The most troubling thing about this comment is perhaps the fact that porn still wants to keep in touch via AOL. This is not the 90s, sir. Also, I am very flattered he considers me a specialist (this was on an Entwined in You post, so I am most definitely the specialist he is referring to) and believes I can help ‘unravel’ his problem. I can only assume his problem is understanding what the fuck flew up Eva’s butt last chapter. Unfortunately, specialist that I am I still cannot unravel that one. [Matthew says: I'm still confused as to porn's problem! He needs a specialist to help him out, but then he expresses hope that we'll "peer" him? Am I better than porn? Am I equal to porn? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, PORN?]

But more or less importantly depending on your interests, back to House of Night. As I’m sure you all recall, Stevie Rae has passed away. I’m also sure you’ve all been losing a lot of sleep over this and wondering what will happen to our intrepid heroes next. Or, more realistically, a lot of you have actually already read this nightmare of a series and may feel like you’re watching a horror movie where you just want to scream at Matthew and me not to open the door.

Chapter 24

Zoey returns to her room to find Shaunee and Erin sitting on Stevie Rae’s bed presumably waiting for Zoey. I wonder what Shaunee and Erin talk about when they’re alone. Do they still feel the need to constantly call each other twin or do they just do that for other people’s constant irritation benefit.

“You need to eat so that you can take the [probably most definitely evil] stuff Neferet gave us to give you,” Erin said.
“Plus, it might make you feel better,” Shaunee said.
“I don’t think I’ll ever feel better.”
Erin’s eyes filled with tears that spilled over and dripped down her cheeks. “Don’t say that, Zoey. If you never feel better that means none of us will, either.”

Why on Earth does this mean that they would never feel better? The co-dependency between the “twins” has been established, but now they have to rely on Zoey’s fucking feelings too. They have somehow become even more useless, and they were already pretty fucking useless to begin with. [Matthew says: Christ on a bicycle, am I dreading when the Casts realize the Twins are now 2/3 of Zoey's friends and they have to flesh out their character(s).]

The girls all reminisce about Stevie Rae’s only defining characteristics - being from the South:

“What was the name of that little bumpkin town Stevie Rae was from?”
“Henrietta,” I said. “Home of the Fighting Hens.”
“Fighting Hens?” the Twins said together.
I nodded. “It drove Stevie Rae crazy. Even in her bumpkinness she wasn’t okay with being a Fighting Hen.”
“Hens fight?” Shaunee asked.
Erin shrugged. “How should I know, Twin?”
“I thought only cocks fought,” I said. We all looked at each other and said, “Cocks!” and then burst out into laughter, which pretty soon was mixed with tears. “Stevie Rae would have thought that was hilarious,” I said when I could catch my breath again.

Stevie Rae’s lucky she’s not alive to listen to this hogwash. I’m sure this is exactly the way she’d want her friends to remember her – just a regular old bumpkin from Henrietta who would laugh when someone says “cocks” in a completely unfunny context. It’s really the dream. [Matthew says: I flagged this because I wanted to write some snarky comment, like, "Yes, I hope that at my funeral, Ariel just tells a bunch of dick jokes during my eulogy." But then I realized, yes, that is exactly what I want. I don't think this is universal, though.]

Also, for some reason I can’t stop picturing Stevie Rae as Hannah Montana.

Actually, more accurately, the four girls (plus Aphrodite) are probably more accurately represented by this:

Can you guess who is who? Also did you know Amber has an affinity for all the elements? [Matthew says: Wait, what the fuck? I thought the Casts were ripping off Harry Potter and Mean Girls, but... why is this Amanda Show sketch exactly like the characters in House of N- IS JOSH PECK GAY?]

The twins leave, and Zoey’s grandmother calls because she, too, apparently lives her life based on these fucking intuitive “feelings” everyone gets about everything. Stop trying to make things happen just because a character senses something, Casts.

“She died in my arms, Grandma, just minutes after Nyx gifted her with an affinity for the element earth.”
“It must have been a great comfort for her that you were with her at the end.” I could hear that Grandma was crying now, too.
“We were all with her, all of my friends.”
“And Nyx must have been with her, too.”

What the fuck? No one is going to comment on what a dick Nyx is for doing that? Nyx has basically just completely flipped off, Stevie Rae. Or worse, Nyx felt so bad for this girl that she gave her the affinity equivalent of a pity fuck.

Wait! Zoey does mention that this is really weird, but grandma Redbird is just like, “Shit happens LOOOOOL.” [Matthew says: Maybe the inconsistency was supposed to happen! Maybe Stevie Rae being given a special, powerful vampyre gift and then dying as her body rejected the Change to becoming a vampyre is a mysterious plot point and not a continuity error! It's so hard to tell between the two in this book.]

Zoey complains that the school is too blasé when their fledglings die. And I kid you not, Zoey has another feeling.

Then an idea came to me, along with a feeling that it was the right thing to do. “I can change that. With or without permission, I’m going to be sure Stevie Rae’s death is honored. She’s going to be more than a speed bump.”

The Casts even emphasised the word “feeling” the way I would to mock it. Even they must be starting to realise that, in terms of Annoying and Unnecessary Things that Keep Happening, this is beginning to rival the twins calling each other “twin” constantly or the frequent friendly neighbourhood reminders that Damien is gay.

Grandma warns Zoey not to get into trouble with whatever she’s planning.

“Grandma, I am the most powerful fledgling in the history of vampyres.” 

AHHAHAHAHHA OMG YOU GUYS HE SAID COCKY!!! Stevie Rae would have thought this was funnier than a marshmallow on a hayride.

Instead of telling Zoey to shut up, Grandma wholeheartedly agrees, leading me to believe that something more tragic has been going on all along in this series. Grandma Redbird clearly has dementia, you guys. She clearly doesn’t remember what Zoey is like at all.

In case you were starting to feel like all this drab death stuff was taking away from the boy drama, Heath sends texts which highlight the Casts’ powerful ability to channel teen-speak.

Note: For some reason Heath’s texts are in bold, while Zoey just tells us that’s what she sent. I trimmed out some of the exposition, but I didn’t actually edit the way the texts are written:

R U OK? Somethings wrong.
Bad day. My best friend died. I text messaged him back.
My friends have died 2.
I’m sorry. I typed back.
Me 2. Do u want me to come see u?
No, I typed hastily, my hands shaking. You have school.
Nuh uh SNOW DAY! [Clearly taking the loss of his friends very hard and the magnitude of this conversation very seriously.]
I’ll make u feel btr fri

Zoey remembers that she agreed to meet Heath Friday after the football game. [Matthew says: Is that what the fuck "feel btr fri" means? I thought "Fri" was Heath's new nickname for Zoey, and he was going to make her feel some butter.] She considers telling Neferet everything, so she can help her break the bonds of Imprinting, but quickly remembers that Neferet is a lying liar who lies and steals her ideas, so that’s a no go.

She can’t say no to Heath, so they both type “OK” to each other, so the date is a go!

Zoey tries to sleep but can’t, and then there’s a nice scene where the twins and Damien show up because they all feel lonely too. It’s also specifically mentioned that the twins bring “their” cat (so they share one I guess) [Matthew says: Just like they share the same underdeveloped character.] and that Damien brings his. I had no idea that everyone had their own god damn cats. Have they all been mentioned before and I’m crazy? Like they’re mentioned by name here like it’s supposed to be meaningful (their names are Beezlebub and Cameron, DO YOU REMEMBER WHO THEY ARE??).

They all promise that no matter what they’ll stick together. There’s also this weird moment where it’s implied that one or both of the twins might not be a virgin, and Zoey decides she’s going to ask them follow up sex questions later. I thought you might want to be mentally prepared for that train wreck if/when it happens.

I’ve decided I’m going to start ending posts with a question or two that somehow tie back to the happenings of each post because we love to have more material for Postscripts love to hear from you guys.

So who here has seen The Amanda Show? Did anyone here watch/like Hannah Montana? More importantly, what are your thoughts on Miley Cyrus?

Bonus question: Where the fuck has Erik Night gone? Is he just reciting Shakespeare while Zoey mourns?

Man, Stevie Rae dying really took over this book’s plot. I can’t even remember what the book was about before Stevie Rae died!

The joke is the book wasn’t about anything. Sorry, I don’t know how sarcastic my voice sounds in your head.

[Ariel say: This just highlights that we should applaud the Casts for sticking with something for more than a chapter. Or at least nod our heads slightly in acknowledgement. Yeah, let's go with that.]

Chapter 25

Zoey has a nightmare where she sees Stevie Rae as one of the undead kids, getting into a spat with the undead Elliott over who’s in charge before she asserts that it is her because “the earth answer[s]” her. Heath walks in on them and Stevie Rae gives an order to capture him, despite Elliott’s protests that they were told to take no more. Stevie Rae counters that “He’s seen us! [...] So he comes with us until she tells us what to do with him!”, before they drag him away into the snow-covered forest.

Zoey wakes up from her totally just a dream to find that the Twins and Damien have already left her room. [Ariel says: So Zoey has to go and take Aphrodite's affinity too. Why does she get all the affinities? Yeah, yeah, I know cause she's a Mary Sue, but come on.] She muses on how alone she feels with Stevie Rae’s absence before Shaunee comes back to get her for their snow day movie marathon. Shaunee feels guilty about making a joke about Erik’s “fiiiine” friend, Cole, joining them, given the circumstances, so Zoey tries to cheer her up.

“Shaunee, we have to go on. We have to date and be happy and live our lives. Nothing’s guaranteed, Stevie Rae’s death proved that. We can’t waste the time we’ve been given.”

Guys, I stared at this quote for forever, trying to find something wrong with it, and I can’t. You take a look at it. Sure, we’ve read four chapters of Zoey mostly saying this same thing over and over again, but to be fair, grieving takes time. Also, nothing’s wrong with it. What I figured out instead, though, is that after one and three-quarters of House of Night books, I hate Zoey so much that I’m actively looking for things to hate her for while she is comforting someone mourning a deceased friend. The Casts have crafted a seriously unlikeable main character.

[Ariel says: So true, TWIN. I also find it really funny that "We have to date" comes across as being the Most Important thing in that sentence. I feel like she should have lead with "live our lives" or "be happy".]

Something genuinely surprising happens next, though: the Twins’ love lives suddenly become the most interesting thing in the book.

I was surprised to see that [Cole] had pulled up a chair and was actually sitting between the Twins. I felt my lips twitch up. He was either very brave or very moronic.

Zoey sits next to Erik and he wraps his arm around her and she feels guilty because she’s planning on seeing Heath later. She makes no mention of feeling guilty about the third guy she’s juggling, because the Casts must have filled their Zoey’s prospective lovers quota already.

“But wait a second,” those of you with astoundingly good memory might be thinking right now. “Erik’s here… Zoey’s here… they’re watching movies… oh my god. The Casts are going to say more things that don’t make sense about Star Wars, aren’t they?”

“Now that Z’s here we can start the marathon,” Erik said.
“You mean the dorkathon,” Shaunee said with a snort.
“If it was the weekend we could call it the geekend,” Erin said.

Since when is Star Wars uncool? Last time I checked it was still insanely, insanely popular in mainstream culture. If anything, Star Wars is too popular.

“Watching Erik’s long extended director’s cut of Star Wars for the millionth time”

There is no extended director’s cut of Star Wars.

Even more embarrassing, Star Trek shows up on this search instead.

So the Casts pretty obviously tried to pull something geeky out of their asses and slapped two geeky sounding things – “Star Wars” and “extended director’s cut” – together; what’s the big deal? Well, as most people are aware of, just about every single time Star Wars is released, it’s a different cut. In fact, George Lucas (aka the director) is notorious for constantly tinkering with the films. So not only did the Casts make up a nonexistent special dork edition of a geeky movie, but they more or less chose the most obvious movie they possibly could have to look like they were making shit up.

I’d be pretty sure they haven’t.

Anyway, for those of you who don’t get upset about pop culture things and skimmed that last few paragraphs, welcome back! Now you can get upset about racism:

“Are you saying Princess Leia does it for you?” Shaunee quipped.
“No, I’m more colorful than that,” [Cole] said

If the Casts had an affinity for something, it’d be for sledgehammers, because that’s how much subtlety they have.

“I wish Stevie Rae was here,” Erik said. “She’d be all, Y’all, you’re not bein’ very niiiice.” [...]
“I liked the way Stevie Rae messed up the English language,” Shaunee said.

Oh, well, in that case, it should be, “I wish Stevie Rae were here,” because this is a conditional statement and thus requires the subjunctive. Feel better, idiots? [Ariel says: Also, they really can't think of anything else to fondly remember Stevie Rae for other than the fact that she was Southern. We literally just read "No, I'm more colorful than that" as a way for someone to come onto a woman of color, and somehow the Casts are still more offensive to people from the South. How do they do it?]

Drew, the guy who was in one chapter one time to be Stevie Rae’s romantic interest once, shows up and asks to join them. Although this would seemingly leave him without purpose, he is immediately set up with Erin, which is probably the closest I’ve ever seen to an author pity-fucking their own character. Having happily paired off all the surviving characters, the kids settle down for a movie to learn to live their lives again after their friend’s untimely death.

“To repeat this special bulletin, a Broken Arrow teenager, another high school football player, has been reported as missing. His name is Heath Luck. [...] Heath’s truck was found outside the House of Night.”

WAIT OH MY GOD WHAT IF ZOEY’S DREAM WASN’T JUST A DREAM BUT ACTUALLY HAD A PURPOSE IN THE NARRATIVE? That’d be a new thing for this book. [Ariel says: In a world where things only happen because people have special feelings and dreams...there is only one Mary Sue that can have all of the feelings and all of the dreams.]

Previously, Gideon and Eva were reunited with the rest of their group at the mysterious Terminus where all is not as it seems…I’m so sorry, you guys, this isn’t The Walking Dead. I was just in denial. But don’t you wish that was actually what was going on?

Chapter 6

Eva wakes up and hears Gideon shouting;  he’s having a nightmare in the guest bedroom (I guess they’re sleeping apart, which I know they’ve sometimes done in the past two books. I’m just surprised it wasn’t mentioned given we had a whole section on Eva’s pasta lunch a couple chapters ago.)

He jerked violently. I raced to the bedside, my heart twisting to see him flushed and drenched with sweat. I placed my hand on his chest.
“Don’t fucking touch me!” he hissed, seizing my wrist and squeezing it so hard I cried out in pain. His eyes were open, but unfocused, still trapped in his nightmare.

Luckily, Gideon snaps out of it, and is mortified he hurt Eva. As much as Gideon pisses me off, these scenes make me really sad, and I like when Sylvia Day doesn’t throw anything weird in to ruin them. It’s so refreshing and unexpected! [Matthew says: Basically the highest praise Ariel can give these books is "It's unexpected when the author doesn't ruin it".]

Eva runs Gideon a bath, and she comforts him and asks him to talk about his nightmares. He says that not only do his nightmares consist of real events, but also elements of “make-believe”.

I absorbed that a minute, wishing I had the training and knowledge to be truly helpful. Instead, I could only love him and listen.

I’m sorry, am I still reading the same series here? Did I accidentally start reading something else?

I try to write a joke and just can’t come up with anything.

I really wish I could say the next line was the typical nonsense we read in this series but it just goes on being really nice and normal. I’m scared, you guys, I’m scared that I’m in a dream or that something is very wrong because this can’t be true. [Matthew says: Check your totem, Ariel! Does your copy of Fifty Shades of Grey still have a narrative that endlessly goes in circles?]

Gideon talks more about how in his dreams he actually fights back because he never did in real life, and it makes him feel really guilty. Eva assures him that just because he was convinced not to resist, doesn’t mean it was consensual and that he’s a survivor. Legit, guys, it’s legit. I’m growing more and more concerned about my own reality.

Oh wait, okay, here we go now it’s definitely still the Crossfire series I know and love to make jokes about.

“You told me once that you don’t do anal play.” I felt him tense. “But you’ve … we’ve …”
“I’ve had my fingers and tongue inside you,” he finished, studying me. He’d altered with the change of subject, [Matthew says: Sudden change of topic for no apparent reason? Now, that's the Crossfire we know and... and that's it...] his hesitation replaced by calm authority. “You enjoy it.”
“Do you?” I asked, before I lost the courage.
He breathed heavily, his cheekbones

I don’t care that Eva’s interested in whether or not Gideon wants to explore anal play for himself, what the fuck ever. What annoys me is that they can’t have one nice conversation, one meaningful conversation without it having to turn back into sex. [Matthew says: It gets bonus "fucking seriously?" points because it's about butt sex.] Why does this scene have to end with Eva jerking Gideon off? Why can’t it just end when the nice conversation is over and save the sex for a later time?

Like the shift in conversation doesn’t even make a lot of sense. “Gideon, you’re a victim. P.S. do you want to try anal play?” Day tries to lead into it by having Eva ask Gideon if he’s bisexual, but it still doesn’t really work with the tone of this scene.

Don’t get me wrong, I applaud Eva for telling Gideon she’s willing to try lots of things in their bedroom, and the fact that they’re openly communicating about this is awesome, but just, you know, in another scene.

Also, this:

He growled, his head falling back. “Make me come.”
“Any way you want,” I vowed.

The magnitude of what Eva is promising really weighs on the reader here.

We jump ahead to another scene where Gideon is getting dressed (after the bath? It’s unclear), and Eva requests that if he attends any future events where he could bring a date he’ll bring his younger sister Ireland. Whew, thank god Day remembered to throw another minor character into the mix, otherwise this chapter might have gotten dull.

Also, it’s not really clear why Eva insists Gideon bring his younger sister given Gideon’s like, “I’m just not going to bring any dates to any events, it’s cool.”

Apparently, this scene isn’t after the bath and is actually before work the next morning. Gideon tries to convince Eva to come work directly for him, which I’m pretty sure we already read in Fifty Shades when Christian keeps trying to have Ana come work for him and then just buys her company and promotes her.

“I have a job and I like it a lot. You know that.”
“And you’re good at it.” He gripped my shoulders. “Be good at it for me.”
“I can’t, for the same reason I didn’t accept help from my stepfather. I want to make it on my own!”

I’m incredibly confused because I thought that Gideon was technically Eva’s boss anyway, and she started working at Crossfire before they got together. I am so lost.

Gideon tells Eva that it’s super important to him and their relationship that she eventually come to work at Cross Industries because as you know, every couple must work in the same building or it all falls apart. Just as Eva is trying to argue for her independence, she gets distracted by her broken compact mirror. It’s more confusing to describe that in one sentence than it is to show you in a whole paragraph.

He released me and I bent down to pick up my purse. Then I noticed that I’d stepped on my mirrored compact and shattered its case. I wasn’t heartbroken over it, because I could always pick up another at Sephora on the way home. What froze my blood was the electrical wire sticking out of the cracked plastic.

Turns out the ever independent Eva was being tracked by her mother and step-father’s body guard. Don’t worry, it was when Nathan was at large, so now the device has been turned off, so all is well that ends well right?

 I squeezed my eyes shut. “This isn’t about the damn tracker! I don’t have a problem with that. It’s the keeping-me-in-the-dark part that’s wrong on so many levels. I feel violated, Clancy.”

Eva is like UG MY LIFE.

In the previous forty-eight hours, I’d learned that my boyfriend had killed my rapist, one of my exes was hoping to spread me across his sheets, one of my boyfriend’s exes was hoping to smear him in the press, and my mother had microchipped me like a damned dog.

THIS HAS ALL ONLY BEEN 48 HOURS???!?!?! I know, I know I need to stop being shocked the the timelines of these books, but I honestly thought that more time had passed even though the book did start immediately after Eva found out about Gideon murdering Nathan. It just really felt like a lot longer…think about all the pasta Eva ate with Will! [Matthew says: On top of that, this is hardly the first time her mother has used technology to track Eva's exact location. This information isn't just two days old, this is TWO ENTIRE BOOKS old.]

In typical Entwined with You fashion, a lot of seemingly meaningless events are chucked in together, so I’ll give you the run-down:

*Eva’s boss is still angsty over whether or not his boyfriend will accept his proposal

*Eva sends Gideon flowers and he sends her flowers back. [Matthew says: Because she doesn't want to work for him?! I understand (for the sake of argument) being controlling, but this is just being a petty dickbucket.]

*Eva’s mom calls, and Eva calls her out on her lying lies. Her mother wants to talk in person, and since she’s going out to lunch with Cary, she’ll hang at their apartment till Eva comes home.

“All right.” The irritation that had started prickling at me dissipated just as quickly as it had come up. I loved that my mother treated Cary like the brother he was to me. She gave him the maternal love he’d never had. And they were both so appearance- and fashion-conscious that they always had a blast together.

Translation: they were both so shallow and superficial that they never required a conversation with any substance. [Matthew says: Amazing that they don't get along with more of the characters in this book.]

*Magdalena shows up. Because yay more minor characters. At least she was kinda fun? She was Gideon’s friend who wanted to bone him but wound up being boned by his asshole brother, and then she ended up being sort of nice to Eva in the end.

Apparently the evil reporter has shown up to try to get dirt on Gideon from Magdalena as well, but she isn’t talking. She also implies that she knows Eva and Gideon are still together, and Eva appreciates this.

Oddly, I found myself at ease with her. Maybe because she seemed so at ease with herself, which hadn’t been the case the previous times we’d crossed paths. “Seems like you’re doing good.”
“I’m getting there. I had someone in my life who I thought was a friend but was really just toxic. Without him around, I can think again.” She straightened. “I’ve just started seeing someone.”

Because you can only get your life together if you’re seeing someone new. The toxic person in question is also very clearly Gideon’s brother Christopher. The conversation is pretty much over after Magdalena confirms Eva hasn’t told anything to the reporter. Yay.

Later that night, Eva’s mother admits that another tracking device is in Eva’s Rolex, and Eva understandably flips out.

“I’m your mother!” Her voice trailed off, took on a note of pleading. “It’s my job to look after you.”
“I’m a twenty-four-year-old adult,” I said coldly. “By law, I can look after myself.”

EVA IS 24?!?!!?! I’m sure this must have been mentioned before but…but…she’s less than a year older than me. [Matthew says: I AM ALMOST EVA-AGED???] I thought she was like late twenties or early thirties. Maybe age in this series works more like dog years or something. [Matthew says: Okay, the only thing this series had going for it over Fifty Shades in my mind was that, unlike Ana, Eva didn't just graduate college and become editor-in-chief of a traditional-model publishing house in 1-2 months somehow. But she's not even a year older than Ariel and myself. She's not even as old as the characters are on the first season of FRIENDS. Eva is a fucking baby, you guys. What is she doing in a relationship with this batshit-insane CEO? Eva basically just went from "my parents put me up in a ridiculously expensive Manhattan apartment because they're loaded anyway" to "my parents still pay my bills".]

Eva goes to cry at Gideon’s apartment. It’s so convenient that it’s right next door now!

Man, this chapter was long and tedious. What do you guys “hope” will happen next chapter to actually get things moving along?

In “Fun Things Matthew Did That Are Worth Sharing With Strangers On The Internet” news, I went on a bar crawl to every borough in NYC last weekend! Another fun thing that I did was point out to people that we needed to drink water while we were doing this, and then was the only one who got dehydrated.

This is from a beer garden in Queens! There are places to go in Queens!

In “Matthew’s Friends Also Write Really Good Things You Should Read” news, my good friend Amy over at Abstract Magazine wrote a simply beautiful piece on coming out to her father. It’s a wonderful, heartwarming article on an LGBTQ issue written by one of my favorite people, so you should absolutely go read it because she is great, as is evidenced by this “Fuck The Patriarchy” pillow she recently knit.

And I really can’t think of anything better than a “fuck the patriarchy” pillow to segue into today’s Pamela post.

Days 3-10

Okay, I probably have to explain what’s going on. So at this point in the book, it’s not longer split up into letters, since Pamela, you know, can’t send letters anymore. [Ariel says: Thank God.] So it’s basically a diary at this point, divided by nothing more than what day of the week she’s writing about, which makes things perfectly awful for me to try to convey what fucking part of the book I’m reading. [Ariel says: I spoke too soon :( ]

By Saturday (the third day of kidnapping), Pamela has not yet fallen victim to Stockholm Syndrome, possibly making this book a smidgen more progressive than Fifty Shades of Grey. [Ariel adds: And Beauty and the Beast.]

I am resolved, if possible, to find some way to escape, before this wicked master comes, [but everyone here are] strange creatures, that promise nothing

[Ariel says: Wait when she says "strange creatures" does she mean candlesticks that sing and dance?]

Pamela does, however, intuit that the local clergyman, Mr. Williams, “seemed to take great notice of my distress and grief” but “appeared fearful of Mrs. Jewkes”. Maybe Pamela has a future ally and/or 18th century Jacob? Anything is possible in a genre that hasn’t gotten any less misogynistic since the 1700s!

Pamela’s plans to keep writing in case she does find a way to get a message to her family are foiled (except not, because reasons) by Mrs. Jewkes, whom the Master has given instructions to read everything Pamela has written.

“I am told you are a great writer; and it is in my instructions to see all you write”

The Master falling madly in love with Pamela based on her “being a good writer” is maybe the most perplexing thing about this book, since Pamela’s repetitive, “everyone hates me :(” writing makes this seem sort of like he fell in love reading a rambling teenager’s LiveJournal. [Ariel says: Or worse. Xanga.]

Dear College English Professors, I’m not really exaggerating. Read Pamela, then read any random teenager’s personal blog, and see if you can see a distinction in literary merit.

On Sunday, Mrs. Jewkes refuses to let Pamela go to church, and then, in order to prevent her from going, takes her shoes. Pamela finally elaborates on the monster that is Mrs. Jewkes, so that we sympathize with Pamela’s plight:

She is a broad, squat, pursy, fat thing, quite ugly, if any thing human can be so called

Well, shit, Pamela! Were we supposed to sympathize with you? That was just mean! [Ariel says: You know who should meet Pamela? Zoey Redbird.]

[Mrs. Jewkes will let me] have my shoes again, if I will accept of her company to walk [...] in the garden. – To waddle with [her], rather, thought I.

Pamela, you are not being very nice, I don’t care if this woman is helping you be kidnapped.

Suddenly, John (who secretly delivered Pamela’s letters to her family in the past) shows up! Which Pamela writes in her diary in real time for some goddamn reason:

I am told John, honest John, is come on horseback! [...] I’ll tell you more by and by. [...] Alas! but he looks sad, as I see him out of the window! What can be the matter!

LEAVE THE FUCKING HOUSE, PAMELA. Instead of writing that you can see him arriving, and that he looks sad, and taking note that you wonder how sad he is for the benefit of future generations, GO FIND OUT AND THEN JUST WRITE THAT DOWN.

John gives her a letter from the Master, asking her to copy a letter (in her handwriting) for her parents that HE WROTE to let them know that she’s okay. Pamela does it – lest her parents suffer more – but tells the master that she is pretty pissed off about it. [Ariel says: Just like all the times Ana told Christian she was really totally mad at him but went along with his wishes/commands anyway.] 

As for honest John, Pamela finds out that he’s not all that honest! On Monday (“the 5th Day of my Bondage and Misery” as Pamela helpfully reminds us)[Ariel sings: On the 5th Day of Bondage and Misery my master gave to meeeee: 3 suggestive comments, 2 fondled bosoms, and he tried to steal my virginity.], John secretly leaves Pamela a note before he leaves, explaining that he gave the Master her letters before delivering them to her parents, but he never expected it to lead to such disastrous consequences for Pamela, and he feels terrible, though he was largely powerless to disobey the powerful Master’s commands. Pamela understands John’s own unfortunate role in their society’s uneven class system, and – pfffft of course she doesn’t. ALL MEN ARE MONSTERS.

O the deceitfulness of the heart of man! This John, that I took to be the honestest of men [...] was all the while a vile hypocrite, and a perfidious wretch

Sure, I’d be pissed too, but this seems a bit harsh? Apparently criticism of the larger issues of an uneven class structure is beyond Pamela when “but I ain’t no ho!” is the real issue here:

Should not a gentleman prefer an honest servant to a guilty harlot? [...] I dread of all things to be seduced, and would rather lose my life than my honesty

Adding to that realism that academia just raves about in Pamela, Pamela goes on a lengthy explanation of how she gets the paper to keep her log of every little thought in her head as it happens, rewrite every single letter she sends or receives, etc:

“I want some paper, Mrs. Jewkes,” (putting what I [had] in my bosom), “You know I have written two letters” [...]
“Well,” said she, “You have some left; one sheet did for those two letters.”
“Yes,” said I, “But I used half another for a cover, you know; and see how I have scribbled the other half” [...]
“Ay,” said she, “So you have; well, I’ll give you two sheets more”

BULL. SHIT. Is Pamela’s handwriting in size zero font? No way Pamela is writing all this crap on two sheets of paper.

You know what would be a great way to save paper, though? NOT WRITING EVERY SINGLE THING THAT HAPPENS WHILE YOU’RE WRITING.

On Wednesday, Pamela manages to hide a letter to Mr. Williams, the clergyman, about her plight in his garden. (Believe me, she goes into enough detail on how she was able to pull this off.) Pamela tries to see if he hid a response, but can’t manage to do so out of Mrs. Jewkes sight the next morning, and even instigates an argument over how no one thinks she’s being treated unfairly. Again. Not that she certainly doesn’t have the right to, it’s just that… we sort of assumed? We probably don’t have to read each identical one?

“Why, Jezebel,” said I, (I could not help it,) “would you ruin me by force?”
Upon this she gave me a deadly slap upon my shoulder: “Take that,” said she; “Who do you call Jezebel?”

Even if they contain a catfight with some antiquated insults?

Later on Thursday, Pamela manages to get Mr. Williams’s response, where he decrees that – although he is dependent on the Master for his entire income – he will help Pamela, even at this great risk to himself. Because it’s the right thing to do!

“I see no probability of keeping myself concealed in this matter; but will, as I said, risk all things to serve you; for I never saw a sweetness and innocence like yours”

Oh. Nevermind. It’s just because Pamela is the specialest. FALSE ALARM, IT’S THE SAME OLD CRAP.

Anyway, ready to challenge your suspension of disbelief again? If you thought that “here’s two pieces of paper to write tens of thousands of words on” thing was bullshit, prepare to be amazed:

I begin to be afraid my writings may be discovered; for they grow large! I stitch them hitherto in my under-coat, next to my linen

So Pamela is hiding this diary by sewing it inside of her clothing. All of it. My copy of this book is five hundred pages long. [Ariel says: It sounds like Pamela's diary is the written equivalent of a clown car.]

Naturally, the detail that Pamela is routinely sewing dozens or hundreds of pieces of paper inside her clothing somehow undetectably goes unchallenged throughout the entire book.

Good thing Pamela’s apparently writing this 500 page novel on two pieces of paper!

Pamela and Mrs. Jewkes go fishing. Pamela lays it on really thick.

“O, Mrs. Jewkes!” said I, “I was thinking this poor carp was the unhappy Pamela.”

In third person.

Pamela gets bad news from Mr. Williams: none of the gentlemen or ladies of higher class want to help Pamela out because they don’t want to make enemies with her Master. Furthermore, the patriarchy:

“[Sir Simon] said to his lady in my presence, ‘Why, [...] if he takes care she wants for nothing, I don’t see any great injury will be done her. He hurts no family by this.’” [...]

“I have hinted your case to Mr. Peters, the minister of this parish, [who said that Mr. B------] is no covetous nor wicked gentleman, except in this case; and ’tis what all young gentlemen will do.”

Mr. Williams does actually point out that “it seems that poor people’s honesty is to go for nothing”, so the sympathetic characters are all aware that this is an incredibly unfair abuse of power. Curious that the novel ends with “but it’s totally fine because LOVE” anyway.

Zoey had a dream that alllll zombie ghosts would be treated as actual plot points and not just cast aside. A dream that all ugly losers would be judged not by their losery appearance, but by the fact that they are an evil zombie ghost.

Also immediately before the start of this chapter, Zoey puked because she just found out that Heath has gone missing. We’re off to a great start! [Matthew says: It's not House of Night unless puke, pee, or poopie is involved.]

Chapter 26

“Here, Zoey, it’ll help if you swish this around in your mouth.” Blindly I took whatever Erin handed me, relieved when it was just cold water. I spit it into the nasty bowl of puke.

That is a terrible way to live life. “Blindly I took whatever the random guy at the party handed me, relieved when my drink wasn’t drugged.” I know, I know she’s accepting something from her friend, but Erin is kind of an idiot. Also, we’ve never been explicitly told that Erin hasn’t drugged anyone against their will before, so you can never be too careful. [Matthew says: In the interest of being fair to Zoey, I read this as "at least it's just cold water and not the brown pop that I drink all the time past the point where it's a strange, overused detail to a weirdly forced running joke, like her Feelings, except it's a not-particularly-accurate generic description of a drink that's really pretty bad for you". You know, to be fair.]

Zoey says she needs to go talk to Neferet, but first she needs some mouthwash. I’d make a joke about priorities, but I’m sure we all get where she’s coming from. [Matthew says: At least she doesn't prioritize life-or-death stakes behind going to a party, like she actually did that one time in the last book.] She excuses herself from her friends to go see..

No, Zoey does not go to get a falafel wrap even though that sounds totally amazing right now. She does actually make a completely logical decision to go consult Aphrodite on her vision.

Zoey asks Aphrodite how she knows she’s actually having a vision and not just a dream. God, Zoey, just check the Vampyre Wiki-How section.

“It’s a feeling [Matthew says: Naturally.] in your gut. Visions are never easy or comfortable or fucking flower-draped like they are in the movies. Visions suck. At least real ones do. Basically, if it makes you feel like shit, it’s probably real and not just a dream.”

I feel like unless you’re watching That’s So Raven, a lot of visions aren’t portrayed like what Aphrodite is describing.

Okay, that doesn’t look so much like a flowery dream as it does a psychedelic freak out.

Also, why the fuck do I keep talking about Disney Channel shows that I’ve only seen a couple times? I have no idea what’s going on with me these days. It’s a cry for help, really.

And then there is a scene that I actually like. It’s all thanks to Aphrodite, you guys, who is the true star of this series. If someone said to me, “Oh, Ariel, okay the first House of Night books are such shit. Utter and complete trash. Until book three where Zoey dies and Aphrodite becomes the real main character and suddenly all the other poor storytelling or dialogue or, even worse, text messages just fade away. It’s truly amazing.” I might actually be inclined to believe them.

Anyway, the scene happens after Aphrodite is basically like “Oh, you’re having visions? That sounds like a personal problem.” Zoey asks Aphrodite why she warned her against drinking Neferet’s Kool Aid.

Aphrodite looked away. “My first roommate died six months after she got here. I took the medicine. It—it affected me. For a long time.”
“What do you mean? How did it affect you?”
“It made me feel funny, detached. And it stopped my visions. Not permanently, just for a couple of weeks. And then it was hard for me to even remember what she looked like.” Aphrodite paused. “Venus. Her name was Venus Davis.” Her eyes met mine again. “She was the reason I chose Aphrodite as my new name. We were best friends and we thought it was cool.” Her eyes were filled with sadness. “I’ve made myself remember Venus, and I figured you’d want to remember Stevie Rae.”

You guys. That is so much more selfless and kind than anything Zoey has ever done. Fucking Aphrodite, man. That was really heartwarming! [Matthew says: I also rather liked this scene! Remember when we were all "Wow, she named herself Aphrodite? SO SUBTLE!" But now instead of being a cartoonishly bad (or - if I may pen an expression - Castian) character flaw, IT IS EMOTIONS WHAAAAAT]

Zoey and Aphrodite agree that Zoey should probably leave now before anyone (Neferet) finds out about this conversation, so Zoey heads off as Aphrodite warns her that not everything light is good and not everything dark is bad. OMG NYX SAID THIS B4 TOO!! Could it mean something???

When Zoey and her crew go to talk to Neferet, two detectives are there and they want to talk about Heath. Zoey goes to talk with them privately and voluntarily shows them her earlier texts with Heath. Neferet walks in and is pissed:

“Zoey, you know it is strictly against school rules to continue to date humans from your old life.” I noticed, as if for the first time, the disgust that filled her voice when she said humans.

I really truly hope that the school policy is written verbatim. Rule 400 Section XI: You shall not continue to date humans from your old life. You may eat a fish taco in their company, but it is only in order to permanently end the relationship. If it is a Thursday after 7 pm you may eat a falafel wrap instead of a fish taco provided the woman who owns the food truck sells it to you. We have a very strict contract to uphold with her. [Matthew says: Ariel, I'm starting to think you were really hungry when you wrote this post.]

Neferet keeps trying to cut in and get the detectives to leave, but Zoey keeps interrupting her and being super forthcoming with information to them. It’s pretty amusing, especially when Zoey tells the detectives about her vision, and Neferet is Super Pissed.

Into the stunned silence Neferet’s voice sounded clipped and harsh. “Zoey, you have never before manifested an affinity for prophecy or visions.”

Come on, Neferet, haven’t you been living this book? Zoey has an affinity for fucking everything. Even the food truck lady hates her because she has an affinity for making cheap and delicious food and selling it in a convenient location.

One of the detectives stops to talk to Zoey before he leaves.

“My twin sister was Marked and Changed fifteen years ago,” he said softly. “She and I are still close, even though she was supposed to forget her human family. So when I say you can call me anytime, and tell me anything, you can believe me. You can also trust me.”

Aw, that was really nice too! Best chapter of this book so far. But before you all start leaving the blog, shaking your heads in disappointment:

“Did you Imprint with Heath?”
I had an instant of cold, white panic. She was going to be able to read me. I’d been fooling myself. There was no way I was any kind of a match for this High Priestess. Then I felt the brush of a gentle, impossible breeze … the warmth of an invisible fire .. . the freshness of a spring rain … the green sweetness of a fertile meadow … and the powerful infilling of elemental strength flowing into my spirit. With new confidence I met Neferet’s eyes.

Earth! Fire! Wind! Water! Heart!

Zoey has the affinity for summoning Captain Planet alone.

Anyway, Zoey convinces Neferet that she didn’t Imprint with Heath and that she totally drank the medicine Neferet gave her. Neferet goes into mom-mode and hugs Zoey before she goes.

Actually, she was exactly like a mom, specifically my mom, Linda Heffer. The woman who had betrayed me for a man and cared more about herself and appearances than she cared about me. The similarities between Neferet and Linda were becoming clearer and clearer.

If we’d read more than a chapter or two of Zoey’s mother, maybe I’d understand the comparison aside from, “They both suck,” but Neferet isn’t choosing a man over Zoey… she’s just evil. Intentionally, knowingly evil. Zoey’s mom just sounds dumb.

EDIT: Forgot to ask you guys a question!

If you had to hang out with a character for HoN for a day, who would it be and why?

Guys, we only have three weeks left of House of Night #2: Betrayed! How are people feeling about House of Night so far? I mean, obviously, everybody hates it, but do you hate it like Zoey hated Heath in the first book, or do you hate/like it like Zoey hate/liked Heath in the second book all of a sudden?

Chapter 27

Speaking of Zoey’s feelings for Heath, Erik Night (purportedly Zoey’s boyfriend, although he went from almost-boyfriend to boyfriend without a single event that would change that condition) has figured out that Zoey isn’t being totally honest with him about Heath (whom Zoey purportedly still likes, although she went from having no feelings for him to having lingering feelings for him without a single event that would change that condition). They take a walk to the stables where Zoey can calm her mind, and Erik finally does what every single Bad Books, Good Times reader has wanted to do since the first House of Night post: call Zoey out on her bullshit.

“You still care about him, don’t you? I mean, as more than just an ex-boyfriend.”
“Yes.” Erik deserved the truth, and I was totally sick of lies.

[Ariel says: I don't understand how anyone could be invested in Erik/Zoey even if you're a genuine fan of the series because he's only been in about two scenes in this book, and he wasn't featured prominently in either of those.] 

Also, since every Bad Books, Good Times reader is also expecting me to say this: YOUNG ADULT FICTION, MOTHERFUCKER.

IT’S MOTHERFUCKIN’ NONPLUSSED PARTY TIME!

Zoey tells Erik that not only that, but she’s also Imprinted Heath. Erik points out that Zoey barely tasted Heath’s blood that one time when he and whatserface (Zoey’s ex-BFFFFFF K-babble or something – who the fuck even remembers?) tried to break her out of the House, forcing Zoey to go into more detail:

“I saw him again [...] If I’d known he was going to be there I wouldn’t have gone. I promise you that, Erik.”
“But you did see him.”
I nodded.
“And you fed from him?”

Zoey explains that she didn’t mean to, it just sort of happened. Even though this has always been a rather watertight excuse throughout the history of man, Erik Night ain’t about that life.

“there’s this thing between Heath and me” [...]
“Okay, well, there’s a thing between you and me, too.”

Oh, Erik. You’d be so wonderful if you weren’t inexplicably in love with Zoey.

Erik Night tells Zoey that she should be with him and not Heath, because Heath will age and die long before Zoey’s Vampyre body will, and plus vampyre-human relationships are super frowned upon, and then kisses her, in his last desperate move to secure her affections. No, seriously, why does Erik Night like Zoey? Regardless of how you feel about Zoey, these two characters have zero chemistry. All we’ve got is that Zoey finds him attractive (as she does the rest of the world), but I don’t think the Casts have ever bothered establishing a single detail on why Erik likes her. Sure, we can infer that Zoey is desirable because of her rare talents, but that’s still not a detail about what Erik sees in Zoey – that’s more of Zoey explaining why Zoey is desirable.

This is all the Casts could come up to explain why anyone has the hots for their main character.

Erik continues to be a significantly better person than Zoey by explaining that if she really did Imprint with Heath, then she should be able to use the connection to find him.

“[If] your Imprint is strong enough, you may be able to get an idea of where he is.”
“Thank you, Erik.”
He smiled, but he didn’t look happy.

Maybe in the next book Erik will find a nice girl, like literally anybody else. [Ariel says: Maybe he'll go crawling back to Aphrodite, but girl deserves better.] [Matthew adds: Maybe. We don't know anything about Erik.]  Zoey continues to prove my point:

How did those ho-ish girls go out with a dozen or so guys at the same time? Two was exhausting. [...] Actually, I’d been kinda sorta seeing three guys

Oh my god, there is so much that is wrong with this.

1. Zoey, you seem to have a thoroughly confused definition of what “go out” means. There’s a difference between casually dating, just hooking up, and (what Zoey is doing) straight-up being dishonest with people. Sure, there’s a lot of grey area and these things look a little different to everybody, but that just makes it extra befuddling that Zoey still finds a way to be wrong.
2. Also, slut shaming.
3. Also also, pot calling the kettle black.
4. “Sorta seeing three guys”? Since when does flirting with someone and nothing else count as “seeing” someone? [Ariel says: But Matt, haikus.] [Matthew adds: Four and a half: Haikus.]
5. Once again I’d like to make clear that a having a character make these mistakes doesn’t make a book “bad” by itself, but it certainly does when the book does so aimlessly and meaninglessly.
6. Zoey sucks. This has always been a problem, but we can’t not count it now.

Erik leaves, and Zoey declares that she’s going to clean up her act, “figure out” what to do about Erik and Heath, and then stop flirting with Loren:

From now on I’d avoid Loren, and if I couldn’t avoid him I’d treat him like any other teacher, which meant no flirting.

Zoey tries to reach out to Heath telepathically through the Imprint like she did accidentally that one time before, by thinking about how she feels about him:

I remembered how sweet he was, and how he could make me feel beautiful

When did any of this ever happen? [Ariel says: Yeah, footage seriously not found.] She spent literally the entire first book shitting all over Heath. Is the average House of Night reader so stupid that they don’t remember this? How the fuck do they keep track of these book’s billions of near-abandoned subplots?

Zoey eventually gets through to Heath by thinking about sexytimes, because of course. She starts talking with him telepathically, which is apparently the least interesting thing to ever happen to Heath:

“I can hear you.”
“Inside your head. [...] It’s because we’ve Imprinted and now we’re linked.”
Unexpectedly, Heath grinned. “That’s cool, Zo.”

What’s sad is that this character is way more developed than Erik Night’s.

Heath is tied up underground somewhere, and he’s, surprisingly, able to deduce that he’s in a tunnel under Tulsa built for running booze during prohibition. He tells Zoey about the creatures that have kidnapped him, who are like vampyres, but something’s wrong about them. He tells Zoey the names he’s caught which include Elliot, Venus (surprise?), and STEVIE RAE, Y’ALL. Zoey decides she can’t go to the police because of Stevie Rae [Ariel says: Because the police will arrest Stevie Rae...in zombie ghost form? That would make a really weird episode of Orange is the New Black.], but Heath refuses to tell Zoey where he is until she promises she’ll go to the police for help. Zoey offers the counterargument that she’s Zoey.

“I saved you that night [at the museum], Heath. Not the cops. Not an adult vamp. I saved you, and I can do it again.”

Heath pauses before telling Zoey where he is, telling her she should hurry, because I guess the climax of all of these books is going to be Heath needing to be rescued.

Sorry, Zoey, but your ex-boyfriend is in another climax.

Last time, Eva and Gideon had a really moving conversation, which quickly went south when Eva had to go and make it all about anal sex. Come on, Eva there’s a time and a place. Also, minor characters have plots too, but we don’t really care about them.

At the very end of the chapter, Eva fights with her mother about how controlling she is, and how putting tracking devices into all of Eva’s things without her consent is so uncool. Especially putting a tracking device into a beloved gift! You thought it was bad when your mom just looked through your room without your permission.

Chapter 7

After running to Gideon’s apartment to cry about her mother’s betrayal (or misguided expression of love, if you’re feeling generous, which I rarely am when I read books on BBGT), Eva is comforted by Gideon when he returns from work.

They also discuss reporter Deanna who is clearly holding a grudge because Gideon never called her back. There can be no motivations in this book other than sex and/or love whether it’s for justice or revenge.

Because this conversation about vindictive reporter-one-night-stands is too hot to handle, Eva tells Gideon she wants tonight to be all about her pleasuring him. [Matthew says: It must be painful to think about sex this often.]

“No returning the favor?” [Gideon argued.]
“No.”
“Not happening,” he said decisively.
I pouted. “Pretty please.”
“Angel, getting you off is ninety-nine percent of the fun for me.” [Matthew says: Much like Gideon himself, Gideon's orgasms are apparently the 1%.]

If Gideon were on The Bachelor, the creators would be like “Gideon’s biggest flaw is that he’s too perfect. Don’t try to please him, he’ll please you.”[Matthew says: Don't try to leave the house! HE WILL BE YOUR EVERYTHING.] Seriously, this argument goes on for way too long, until Gideon agrees only after he tells Eva he’s doing the same for her all next weekend.

Gideon: No, I’ll sexually pleasure you.
Eva: NO, it is I who will sexually pleasure you.
Gideon: You are mistaken, for it is I who will be giving the pleasure that is sexual to you.
Eva: You have to let me do this, because when you’re pleasuring me, I can’t feel how I’m pleasuring you. It’s so unfair!
Gideon: Well, fine, but only if you allow me the pleasure that is pleasuring you all next weekend.
Me: I never thought I’d say this, but would you both shut the fuck up and have sex already.

[Matthew says: Except, like everything in Crossfire, it's been changed to be about sex.]

Here’s a cringy assortment of Gideon and Eva’s flirting for your consideration.

• “I’m good, thanks,” he shot back, clearly amused.
  “But we haven’t played with the girls yet.”
  He bent down and buried his face in my cleavage. “Hello, girls.”

• “You’re my lucky charm,” he said. I squeezed his biceps.
  “Really?”
  “Yep.” He licked the upper swell of my breast.
  “You’re magically delicious.” [Matthew says: This is more nauseatingly saccharine than Lucky Charms themselves.]

• “You lied. You’re the most romantic guy I’ve ever dated. I can’t believe you hung those CrossTrainer towels in your bathroom.”
  “How could I not? And I wasn’t kidding about you being lucky.” He kissed me. “I’ve been working on offloading my share of a casino in Milan. Those black magic roses arrived just as a bidder threw in a small winery in Bordeaux that I’ve had my eye on. Guess what it’s called … La Rose Noir.
  “A winery for a casino, huh? So you remain the god of sex, vice, and recreation.”
  “Endeavors that help me satisfy you, my goddess of desire, pleasure, and corny one-liners.”

He then tries to again convince her to come work for him because he wants her brain in addition to her sexy body and heart.

Gideon seriously needs to cut this shit out. First he’s telling Eva they need to keep their relationship a secret so they don’t arouse any suspicions, but then he wants her to come work for him…subtly? Not to mention he moved in next door to her…subtly.

Even if he’s only talking about her working for him in the future when they’re in the clear - which in Entwined with You time is probably only a week away – it still raises the question of why they need to also work in the same place, why he needs that kind of control and access to her? You can be completely and insanely in love and still work at separate places. Eva and Gideon’s love is not so fucking true and special and unique that they can’t handle working for different companies. No, just no.

Although, you know what, in their defence I did start having my boyfriend write for this blog because I was like, “Baby, if we can’t work for the same company, then we can at least write for the same blog.” Because obviously that was my logic.

Eva calls Cary to check in. He lets Eva know her mother finally left (because I guess she was waiting around hoping Eva would come back to talk to her) and also that he’s still looking up dirt on Dr. Terrance Lucas. You guys, I know you may not remember who he is, but just remember he is A Bad Man, a man who was largely to blame for Gideon’s childhood traumas. [Matthew says: It was implied that these traumas are molestation-related, because everything in this book is always about sex. I'm not saying this isn't a perfectly valid and tragic backstory, but this would be like if every single character in Batman's parents were dead.]

“Because MY PARENTS ARE DEAD.”

I just have no fucking idea why Cary is “still” looking into him. Cary isn’t even aware of the backstory here. Only in this scene does Eva even paint part of a picture for him, but she leaves all the important bits out because it’s Gideon’s story to tell. Is Cary supposed to be some sort of super sleuth, like why has he been charged with this responsibility? Is it like when you give someone a really super important job like, “You have to go clean these toilets, Mark, because you are soooo good at it,” but it’s just to keep them occupied and away from doing something more important like handling money?

Cary doesn’t even come up with valuable or even semi-interesting information. He’s just like, “Can’t find anything, but he’s married to a psychologist.” Keep up the good work, Cary. Hopefully next you’ll be able to reveal what Dr. Lucas’ favourite beverage is. [Matthew says: This is all he was able to find? Did Cary try anything other than look him up on Wikipedia?]

Cary also lets Eva know that Deanna called with news for her. Allegedly, anyway. I seriously bet that Deanna’s going to be like, “Gideon definitely has a new gf!” And Eva will be like, “Oh my. Whoever could that be? Thank you for the valuable information, Deanna.” Or “Fuck off, Deanna.”

Eva calls Deanna, so she and Gideon can both hear what kind of dirt she supposedly has on Gideon. And the thing is? All of her dirt is fucking true. He is getting sued for punching a guy Cary was sleeping with, and he did beat the shit out of Brett. Deanna asks Eva if she’s in a relationship with an abusive man, and even though I know for a fact Slyvia Day would never write a scene where Gideon intentionally physically hurt Eva, in real life that was out of the control of an author, Gideon would probably fit the bill. [Matthew says: Even if he's not physically abusive, let's keep in mind that there's also emotional abuse. Because the authors of these books never remember that that's a thing.]

“Fuck you, Deanna,” I bit out. “You’re going to rip an innocent man’s reputation apart because you can’t deal with casual sex? Way to represent the sophisticated modern woman.” [Matthew adds: Christ on a bicycle, Sylvia Day should really never attempt dabbling in feminism.]
“He answered the phone,” she hissed, “before he was done. He answered the fucking phone and started talking about an inspection at one of his properties. Midconversation he looked at me lying there waiting for him and he said, ‘You can go.’ Just like that. He treated me like a whore, only I didn’t get paid. He didn’t even offer me a drink.”

Deanna has to be discredited because she can’t handle casual sex. She’s just a bitter lunatic who needs to be put in her place. Even though she is actually right.

Is this Day’s message to her critics? If you don’t believe in Eva and Gideon’s love, if you see it as something not quite right, you’re probably just a bitter, lonely woman who’s been hurt by assholes?

[Matthew says: I guess this is nothing new, since we've long known that in Sylvia Day-land, everything revolves around sexytimes, but it's still pretty unsettling that "modern" apparently means "totally cool with casual sex". Are you not particularly interested in casual sex for whatever reason? WELL, GO BACK TO THE VICTORIAN ERA WHERE YOU BELONG. ]

The chapter ends with this phone call and Eva telling Deanna she’s completely wrong. I get why Eva lies to protect Gideon, but a lot of what he’s done is pretty scary (Deanna doesn’t even know about the murder), and you can explain it away with “love” all you want, but it’s still fifty shades of grey. See what I did there?

What do you guys think of all this? Is Deanna sort of our new Kara or Aphrodite? Or should she just fuck off even though her accusations are completely founded?

Previously on Pamela, Pamela’s been kidnapped by her Master, but is working on an escape plan with the local clergyman, Mr. Williams, who could not possibly throw a loop in the Pamela-Mister B—— romance.

Days 11-18

With Mr. Williams having no success finding another family willing to help Pamela escape and Pamela having nothing to do, Pamela writes some more subtle poetry:

Remember, Lord, this Mrs. Jewkes,
When, with a mighty sound,
She cries, Down with her chastity,
Down to the very ground!

Pamela’s fifteen years old. She’s probably super into Linkin Park.

Pamela manages to get Mr. Williams her letters, so he can deliver them to her parents. When he departs, Mrs. Jewkes suspects something is up, but it’s not about the letters:

He looked at me with such respect and solemness at parting, that Mrs. Jewkes said, “Why, madam, I believe our young parson is half in love with you.”

Then things get weirdly out of character for Mrs. Jewkes. Also just weird all around. [Ariel says: I don't even really understand her character. They all sound the same to me!]

“Seeing how heavily you apprehend dishonour from my master, [...] I think it is a pity you should not have Mr. Williams [as a husband].”

Whaaaat. Where did this come from? [Ariel says: Wait, is her logic simply that because Pamela refused the master she should just go marry Mr. Williams instead?]  [Matthew says: Apparently? There literally isn't anything else we have to work with.] Isn’t Mrs. Jewkes, you know, a one-dimensional character serving the Master’s plot to get Pamela to give up and fuck him fall in love with him? That’s kind of a weird thing for someone in this position to say. Maybe Mrs. Jewkes’s character isn’t one-dimensional? (Spoiler: No.) Either way, Pamela’s not having any of it, because Pamela don’t need no man.

“There is not [a] man living that I desire to marry. If I can but keep myself honest,  it is all my desire [...] is the very top of my ambition.”

Apparently Pamela is the 18th century Frozen too.

Except that she’d rather die than “let it go”, if you know what I mean.

Suddenly, Pamela helpfully reminds us that the Master did once have that super logical plan of marrying her off she he could have a nice, respectable affair with her, as opposed to a ruinous affair with a lower-class girl. She writes in her letter that she wonders if Mrs. Jewkes knew about that plan. But things get even more crazy when she reads her last letter from Mr. Williams before he left and he makes the lamest proposal ever.

“I really know but one effectual and honourable way to disengage yourself from the dangerous situation you are in. It is that of marriage with some person that you could make happy in your approbation. [...] I should think myself but too happy, if I might be accepted. [...] Don’t think this a sudden resolution. [...] the moment I saw you, [I] wished to serve so much excellence.”

“Hahaha what if we just got married instead hahaha I’VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU.”

Pamela is rather shocked this man who hardly knows her is throwing himself at her, because she’s clearly not used to being the leading woman in a romance novel yet. While she admits that she could see herself “marry[ing] a man who begs from door to door, and has no home nor being, [who would not] endanger my honesty” – whatever floats your boat, Pamela – she can’t accept his offer.

Too bad it’s the 18th century!

Mr. Williams and Mrs. Jewkes came to me both together; he in ecstacies, she with a strange fluttering sort of air. “Well,” said she, “Mrs. Pamela, I give you joy! [...] Every thing turns out as I said it would! [...] Why, there is to be a match between you and Mr. Williams!”

BUM BUM BUMMMMM

Mrs. Jewkes and Mr. Williams give Pamela the letters the Master wrote to both of them, and then leave her alone with them for a long enough period of time for her to copy them into her letters for no particular reason. Just ’cause. [Ariel says: I guess she was running out of other things to sew into her clothes.] The Master writes to Mr. Williams that he’ll offer him Pamela as a wife (for no particular reason?) (also because apparently he can do that?), but only if Pamela approves of it. While everyone expects Pamela to be rather pleased with this news, Pamela insists she must consult her parents first.

Pamela also gets eight more pieces of paper from Mrs. Jewkes, which will surely be a significant help on top of the 149 pages she’s already written.

Day 19

The next morning, Pamela wakes up to learn that Mr. Williams was attacked by rogues going home the last night, who amazingly stole everything he had on him except for Pamela’s letters. [Ariel says: Even the rogues were like, "Fuck, this girl writes too much. Make sure you don't accidentally take even one of those damn things."] Amazingly. Mrs. Jewkes goes to see him in ye olde hospital (I honestly have no idea what they did with injured people back then). Pamela – being the good, innocent soul that she always says she is – refuses to go see him. So… yeah. [Ariel says: I guess hospital sex is too much of a risk for a pure woman like Pamela?]

Interestingly, Mrs. Jewkes leaves Pamela completely unattended. Pamela realizes she has ample opportunity to escape, but does not, because – I shit you not – she is scared of a bull.

I believe Lucifer is bribed, as well as all about me, and is got into the shape of that nasty grim bull to watch me!

Of course, Pamela writes all of this. I want you to take a moment to really get a mental picture of this. Picture a person leaving a house, getting scared of an animal, running back in the house and writing about how scared they were, that they’re going to try again, and then repeating this process over and over again. Because that is actually what is happening in this book right now.

1. I have strange temptations to get away in [Mrs. Jewkes's] absence. [...] If anything should go bad afterwards, I should never forgive myself, for not taking the opportunity. Well, I will go down again, and see if all is clear
2. There stood that horrid bull, staring me full in the face [...] So I got in again, for fear he should come at me.
3. Well, I have just now a sort of strange persuasion upon me, that I ought to try to get way [...] So once more – I’ll see, at least, if this bull be still there.
4. Well, here I am, come back again!
5. Why then should I be afraid? I will go down again, I think!
6. I had got twice as far again, as I was before, out of the backdoor: and I looked and saw the bull [...] “O help!” cried I

[Ariel says: Can you imagine if Misery had been written like this? Paul Sheldon is like, "I was about to leave Annie's house, but I saw a really scary cat in the bushes. Let me write about it in my book instead of escaping."]

To be fair, no, I would not want to mess with a potentially ill-natured giant, horned animal either. But surely there was another way to leave the completely unattended house. Like… 360 degrees worth of other ways. Also – once more, with feeling – WHY IS PAMELA WRITING LITERALLY EVERYTHING?

Mrs. Jewkes comes back, laughing at how minor Mr. Williams’s injuries actually are, because she’s apparently back to being a one-dimensionally mean character. Pamela picks up on this subtle shift and notices that Mrs. Jewkes seems super suspicious, and deduces that Mr. Williams must have slipped that he and Pamela had been conversing ever since she got to the house.

Days 20-26

Yup.

But before that aftermath happens, Pamela gets a surprise letter from her father, writing to express joy that she is alive and mostly well during this terrible kidnapping ordeal:

“Blessed be the Divine goodness, which has enabled thee to withstand so many temptations!”

Or to express joy that she’s still a virgin. Right. Hey, Pamela’s father.

“We have not yet had leisure to read through you long accounts of all your hardships. I say long, because I wonder how you could find time and opportunity for them.”

HUH, I’VE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT TOO. God, even Pamela’s dad thinks Pamela writes too fucking much.

Pamela’s dad encourages the marriage with Mr. Williams. Too bad Mr. Williams fucked it all up by telling Mrs. Jewkes that he was secretly conspiring with Pamela to help her run away by marrying him. Mrs. Jewkes accidentally gives Pamela a letter from the Master intended for her, and he does not have very nice things to say about Pamela:

“This wretched fool’s plaything, no doubt, is ready to leap at anything that offers, rather than express the least sense of gratitude for all the benefits she has received from my family, and which I was determined more and more to heap upon her.”

I’d like to talk about Nice Guys for a second.

A Nice Guy, as defined by the fantastic Jezebel article, “A Field Guide to ‘Nice Guys’”:

When using the phrase ‘Nice Guys’ with a capital NG, I don’t mean a man who happens to be a genuinely kind person. [...] I mean the sort of Guy who has declared himself to be Nice, and thus deserving of positive (usually sexual) attention from the female of his choice, [regardless of] anything to do with the subject’s actual feelings or desires. When a Nice Guy is romantically rejected by a woman he wants, he lashes out at her, wondering why that dumb cunt won’t go out with him. After all, he has been Nice!

Is it really all that fair to criticize this novel from 1740 for romanticizing this type of behavior? Maybe not; feminism hadn’t been invented yet! But does that mean we should still read it now? At the same time, it’s not like this type of character is unheard of in modern art, either. Duckie from Pretty in Pink is a pretty common example, and most recently I was – actually – rather enjoying last February’s Vampire Academy movie before a character we were clearly supposed to feel sympathetic for expressed dismay that after all he had done to help out the main character, she wouldn’t even give him so much as a kiss. But the difference is that, in the former, Duckie learns his lesson (arguably) and that, in the latter, at least it was just a minor character. But this is all of fucking Pamela. There are no other angles to it. The narrative is so antiquated and single-mindedly misogynist to its core that its ongoing position in academia is rather insulting. Whatever other significant contributions Pamela arguably had to the form of the novel (which I hope the coverage on this blog also helps bring up for debate, because Richardson solved a plot hole with “Pamela gets scared of a cow”), the content simply has no need for preservation on a college syllabus. The Master doesn’t carry any meaning as a conflicted figure – he’s just whiny.

Anyway, now that we’ve applied 2010s feminism to a 1740s text, what does Mister Bucket O’ Dicks do to our somehow-more-pointless-to-the-narrative-than-Fifty-Shades-Jose, Mr. Williams?

I have ordered Mr. Shorter, my attorney, to throw him instantly into gaol, on an action of debt

WOW. Okay. Debtors’ prison. Just like that. Clearly this was a proportionate reaction.

Pamela reads the rest of the Master’s letter that Mrs. Jewkes hasn’t realized she accidentally gave her yet. In it, she learns that the Master is sending a giant man along to help Mrs. Jewkes keep Pamela prisoner, and (more humorously) calls her a “gewgaw”, whatever that is. Dang, Pamela, things look really bad! Maybe you shouldn’t have gotten too scared of a bull to run away from a guy who kidnapped you that time you had a chance, huh?

So this week’s scene is actually the second half of the last one. As soon as Mark left I was all, “Hooray! I’m done! THANK GOD.” And then this week I resumed the video and realized I didn’t actually finish the scene. Whoops. The scene actually enters Roof of Feelings Part 2: Roof Feelings Boogaloo when Mark pushes past him and Denny gestures an entirely too genuine confusion for the movie’s own good.

I don’t know either, Denny.

Denny asks Johnny what’s wrong with Mark, to which Johnny says, “I don’t know! He’s cranky today!” and laughs, because “cranky” is definitely the inference to make about the mood of someone who started up a conversation about women cheating and being evil.

Denny confirms that he and Johnny are still going to see a movie that night. Tommy Wiseau can’t resist trying to even make this deep:

Denny: What kind of movie are we gonna see?
Johnny: Well, we’ll see… (pauses, tisks) Denny, don’t plan too much. It may not come out right!

Yep, Johnny definitely comes across as lovable and stoic and not kind of a dick for making plans with a friend and then openly admitting he doesn’t actually have any plans.

I’d also like you to appreciate the awkward transition in that clip. Not only does this movie have awkward dialogue and awkward staging (“Let’s toss the ball around!” *characters stand six feet from each other*), but getting from one to the other takes us into exponential awkward. Awkward + Awkward = Awkward!

Anyway, it’s time for Denny’s Roof Feelings. Spoiler: Denny also has feelings about Lisa, because everyone’s feelings are always about Lisa. When they’re not about Johnny.

Denny: I gotta tell you something.
Johnny: Shoot… (visibly pauses to think of character’s name) Denny.
Denny: It’s about Lisa.

Dramatic music begins playing, properly conveying the dramatic twist of the moment. Denny elaborates.

Denny: She’s beautiful.

Really? I don’t think we’d ever heard anyone say that before.

Denny: She looks great in her red dress.

Well, now you’re just clearly making things up, Denny.

Because Tommy Wiseau is still not done trying to sell that Lisa is ultra-desirable, Denny goes for broke:

Denny: I think I’m in love with her.

It really says a lot that the emotion is more believable than the green screen.

Now, it’s probably fair to point out that the ambiguously 15-35 year old Denny probably isn’t a serious threat to Johnny like Mark is, but it’s still worth pointing out that while Johnny will angrily suspect Mark of Lisa-related “secrets” over basically any line of dialogue, if it’s instead Denny openly admitting love for Lisa, Denny reverts back to zen master “I didn’t really make movie plans lol” Johnny.

Johnny: Go on.
Denny: I know she doesn’t like me because sometimes she’s mean to me, but sometimes when I’m around her, I feel like I want to kiss her and tell her that I love her. I dunno. I’m just confused.
Johnny: (smiles) Denny! Don’t worry about that! Lisa loves you too.

What.

Johnny: As a person.

Oh.

Johnny: As a friend.

We got it, Johnny.

Johnny: As a human bean.

Johnny, just stop.

 Johnny: You know, people don’t have to say it. They can feel it.

Wait, how did this go from “Don’t worry about your crush on my fiance” to “My fiance just likes you as a friend” to “My fiance likes you as a person”? At this rate, Johnny’s just a few sentences away from “My fiance doesn’t, you know, hate you. I mean, not openly.“

Tommy Wiseau continues to not really know what he wants the movie’s theme to be.

Johnny: If a lot of people love each other, the world would be a better place to live.

Is this the same movie that has “Can you ever really trust anyone?” on the front of the DVD?

Yes, of course the other quote on the front of the case was written by Tommy Wiseau. What makes you ask?

A relieved, but still surprised, Denny asks if Tommy really isn’t mad at him, prompting Tommy to explain that Denny is part of their family, and they love him very much.

Johnny: And Lisa loves you too. You are sort of… like her son.

We’re just going to move right on past that one.

Denny: You mean, you’re not upset with me?
Johnny: No! Because I trust you, and I trust Lisa.

And that one.

I like how in the father figure scenes with Denny, Johnny completely forgets that the main plot of the movie is how Lisa’s increasingly obvious affair is ruining his life.

 Johnny: What about Elizabeth, huh?
Denny: (smiles) Well…

Wait, who the fuck is Elizabeth?

Denny: I love her.

WHO THE FUCK IS ELIZABETH? Weren’t you just declaring your love for Lisa? Like a minute ago?

Denny: When I graduate college-

HOW FUCKING OLD IS DENNY?

Denny: I wanna marry her and have kids with her.

WHO THE FUCK IS ELIZABETH?

Johnny: That’s the idea!

WHAT IDEA? Denny went from in love with his father figure’s fiance and/or mother figure to wanting to marry some other girl he apparently completely forgot he was involved with in two minutes and twenty seconds. No, seriously, I counted. This is the fastest rebound in the history of time, and that’s not even counting the negative time from him already knowing the other girl.

Denny: Thanks for paying my tuition.

Seems like as good a time as any to bring that up, really.

Johnny and Denny walk away, smiling, arms around shoulders.

This is probably what Johnny is supposed to be saying.

Johnny: Let’s go eat, huh?

But it really sounds like:

Johnny: Let’s go eat HANH.

And thus they depart to go consume whatever you envision “hanh” to be.

Previously, Zoey telepathically links with Heath to find out where he is post-kidnapping. He reveals that he’s being held by the group of zombie ghosts, which, shock of all shocks, includes Stevie Rae.

Also, Erik Night isn’t too thrilled about Zoey and Heath, but then again I can’t imagine that fans of this book would even be excited about Zoey/Heath.

Chapter 28

Zoey starts to plan out how she’s going to save Heath. This means we have to learn about the freight train business for some reason:

The old downtown depot was six or seven miles away in a dark, unused part of town under a big, scary bridge that linked one part of the city to the other. It used to be majorly busy, with freight and passenger trains coming and going almost nonstop. But in the past couple decades all of the passenger traffic had stopped (I knew because my grandma had wanted to take me on a train trip for my thirteenth birthday, and we’d had to drive to Oklahoma City to catch the train there) and the freight train business had definitely dwindled. 

This is all too vague. I need more backstory if I’m going to invest in this part of the plot, damn it. Can you give me a bit more information on the subject like why the business dwindled, Zo? How many people lost their jobs? What was the effect on the local economy?

Zoey realizes that she’s not going to be able to drive because the roads are too slow, [Matthew says: If only there were a faster transportation option available, like a train. Maybe Zoey should look into that.] and her “feelings” are telling her that walking won’t be fast enough.

By the way, while all this is going on, Zoey is at the stables petting a horse. I was wondering why this was happening until Aphrodite chooses this moment to show up and say, “Take the horse.”

So Zoey is going to go on fucking horseback to save Heath. What. The. Fuck? [Matthew says: Which is amazingly not quite as "what the fuck" as Zoey not figuring out that she is currently touching a faster means of transportation.]

Aphrodite knows this is the only way because she had a vision about it. Of course.

“And if you don’t get on that horse and get your ass to wherever he is, Heath is going to die.” She paused, meeting my eyes. “That is, unless you don’t believe me.”

This would be the best prank ever. Come on, Aphrodite, don’t let me down!

“Call your friends first,” Aphrodite said.
“Huh?”
“You can’t beat those things on your own.”
“But how are they going to go with me?” My stomach hurt, I was so scared my hands were shaking, and I was having trouble understanding what the hell Aphrodite was saying.
“They can’t go with you, but they can still help you.”

Oh, come on, this has to be a prank. We’re seriously supposed to believe that the twins are going to be useful to Zoey somehow?

Zoey calls Shaunee to issue her orders, which are as self-centered as you’d expect coming from Zoey.

“Just be together, manifest your elements, and think about me.” I was getting really good at sounding calm even when I thought my head might explode.

This was shortly followed by, “No wait, scratch that. Just sit together and think about me. Talk about me if you like…be sure to mention how I have an affinity for all the elements while you guys only have an affinity for one.”

Aphrodite tells Zoey that she had visions about the zombie ghosts kidnapping the other boys, but that’s when Neferet started accusing her of making up her visions. You guys, you don’t…you don’t think Neferet is evil or something do you?

Anyway, I’ve also just realized that I’m shipping Aphrodite/Zoey. I don’t think Zoey is good enough for Aphrodite, but I do think Aphrodite would put Zoey in her place a lot and could potentially make her more likeable. Exhibit A:

“Sorry,” I said shortly. “I didn’t know.” [That she had told Neferet about the visions.]
“Whatever,” she said. “You need to get out of here or your boyfriend is going to die.”
“Ex-boyfriend,” I said. [Matthew says: This is clearly the most important point of clarification to make right now.]
“Again I say whatever. [Matthew says: Aphrodite is like the audience surrogate for the portion of the audience that doesn't actually want to read this book.] Here, I’ll give you a leg up.”
I let her hoist me into the saddle.

I’m going to root for this now for however long we read this books, and will get aggressively pissed off when I don’t get what I want like any self-respecting fan girl!

She did look up at me then and her expression was flat and unreadable. “Don’t start acting like we’re friends or anything,” she said.
“Wouldn’t think of it,” I said.
“I mean, we’re not friends.”
“Nope, definitely not.” I was pretty sure I saw her trying not to smile.

OOOOOH flirtation!!!

I’ve been watching too much Orange is the New Black. 

Omg they are sooo Piper and Alex <333

“As long as we have that straight,” Aphrodite said.

Yeah, straight. Let’s go with that, Aphrodite. [Matthew says: Fucking thanks, Ariel. Now people are going to demand we keep reading these books to see if Aphrodite and Zoey ever make out.]

“Oh,” she added. “Remember to pull silence and darkness around yourself so humans will have a hard time seeing you on the way there. You don’t have time to be stopped.”

Okay forget fangirl shipping – the fuck is this? I would 100% believe that this was explained before but my eyes glazed over, but I really don’t understand what “pull silence and darkness around yourself” means. These aren’t any of the elements you can have an affinity for!!! [Matthew says: It's another thing made up right on the spot as soon as it was convenient for the plot! How hard could it have been to work this detail into the story any earlier? All that scene would require would be walking around at night. I'm pretty sure that's happened in this vampire book once or twice.]

Because nothing is ever hard for Zoey ever, she calls upon the elements to guide her and her horse (Persephone). Nyx, who has nothing better to do, immediately helps guide Zoey. Now is the perfect time for Zoey to fall deep into her nonsensical thoughts.

With the blanket streaming out behind us I imagined that I looked like the heroine in an old historical romance novel, and wished I was galloping to a naughty keg party with someone my kingly father had decided was inappropriate instead of heading into hell.

Please raise your hand in the form of a comment if you have ever read “an old historical romance novel” where the character rode a horse to a keg party. A keg party with someone her “kingly father” disapproved of. I’ve just tried to Google this to see if I was just unaware that this was an historical term, but I can’t find anything on it, which means I highly doubt that Zoey would be aware of this even if it is a legitimate term. [Matthew says: I'm also pretty sure that she's technically mixing up "romance" with "harlequin", which would explain a lot the other decisions Zoey has made about her love life.]

[Matthew says: ALSO, you gotta love that "I imagined I looked like an explicit description of the imagery I'm going for here". What if OTHER stories were written this way?

• Dorian Grey looked at the decrepit picture, and imagined it to be a metaphor for his soul.
• Luke looked over the desert at the two setting suns, and imagined himself to be not terribly unlike a hero in an old Western, gazing contemplatively into the sunset towards his unfathomable destiny.
• What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff – I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be an imagined protector against the loss of innocence and all.]

Zoey arrives at the Scary Tunnel, but her description isn’t so much scary as it is hilariously redundant:

I could clearly see that homeless people must have been using the room. Actually, there was a lot of stuff left from them: big boxes, dirty blankets, even a shopping cart (Who knows how they managed to get that down there?). But, weirdly, not one homeless person was present. It was like a homeless ghost town

I love love love that we need to clarify what kind of ghost town it was, as though we wouldn’t experience the full visual effect without the specification. It wasn’t a ghost town of people with homes, no no, only a homeless ghost town.

Zoey takes the homeless ghost town as a sign that there must be zombie ghosts down there as nothing else could have possibly kept them away. I think it’s pretty clear that the zombie ghosts, Neferet, and the homeless people are all in cahoots. [Matthew says: With the railroad company. Everything's coming together.]

Zoey hears Heath scream, and she goes into ass-kicking, ghost-stopping action.

I ran forward toward Heath’s scream. Okay, I probably should explain that vampyres are stronger and faster than humans, and even though I’m still just a fledgling, I’m a very weird fledgling. So when I say I ran—I mean I seriously moved fast—fast and silent. I found them in what must have been seconds, but felt like hours.

SO WHY THE FUCKITY FUCK DID SHE NEED TO RIDE THE HORSE THERE???? Fine, you can’t drive there. Fine, walking is too slow. But it damn well sounds like she has super speed, which she failed to mention when contemplating ways to get from here to there (which interestingly enough is one of my favorite Scategories rounds! Sorry, this aside was very Zoey of me.)

Zoey confronts the zombie ghosts, and she uses the element of fire to defend herself from Elliot.

I looked at the speaker. “Elliott!”
“I wasss. I’m not the Elliott you knew anymore.” Snakelike his head wove back and forth as he spoke. Then his glowing eyes flattened and he curled his lip. “I’ll ssshow you what I mean …”
He started to move toward me with a feral, crouching stride. The other creatures stirred, gaining bravery from him.

Wait why does Elliot suddenly have a lisp/snake-like features? Wait…you know who else had snake-like features…

[Matthew says: Also, suddenly Zoey has magic fireball powers.]

“Come to me, flame!” My palms started to feel hot. I opened my eyes and raised my hands, which were now glowing with a brilliant yellow flame.
“Stay back, Elliott! You were a pain in the ass when you were alive, and death hasn’t changed anything.” Elliott cringed back from the light I was producing. I took a step forward, ready to tell Heath to follow me so we could get the hell outta there, but her voice made me freeze.

Stevie Rae shows up and the chapter comes to a dramatic conclusion!

My question is clearly who else is going to ship Aphrodite/Zoey with me!! I know Zoey isn’t good enough for our beloved Aphro, but I think this would vastly improve the series.

Bonus question – who else fucking loves Orange is the New Black?

Only two more weeks of House of Night: Betrayed after this! So do you think we’ll actually find out who did any betraying? [Ariel says: Erik was betrayed by Zoey - that much we know!] 

Yesterday we began the novel’s climax, which we’re spreading across this week and the next because Ariel and I are unfeeling monsters. [Ariel says: We figured everyone reading along needed a break from feelings anyway given how often they drive the "plot" in this series.] Zoey found where the undead-zombie-ghost-vampyres (or maybe they’re just “vampires” now) kidnapped Heath, because every House of Night book apparently ends with Zoey saving Heath. [Ariel says: When we finally write the drinking game for this series, this will be included.] 

Chapter 29

Zoey awoke one morning from uneasy dreams to find Stevie Rae transformed into a monstrous vermin.

[Stevie Rae] still had her Okie twang, but the soft sweetness that had filled it was totally gone. She sounded like mean trailer trash.

Or, you know, trailer trash. Stevie Rae basically changed from one Southern stereotype to another Southern stereotype. [Ariel says: Her metamorphoses is truly astounding. Ovid would write such beautiful prose about this, I'm sure.] 

The Casts continue this emotional reunion with Zoey and her changed former friend with their usual penchant for quality dialogue.

“Stevie Rae, what happened to you?”
“I died.”

Undead Stevie Rae continues to explain that she is not a ghost (which means I can’t make zombie-ghost jokes anymore – must you constantly find new ways to hurt me, Casts?) and that she is “not as simple as I used to be”. Zoey, however, is unchanged in this regard:

“Stevie Rae, is there someplace we can go so we can talk? I need to get Heath home, but I can come back and meet you. Or maybe you could come back to the school with me?”

Zoey maintains that something bad happened to her friend and she needs to try to help when Stevie Rae counters that Zoey really doesn’t get what’s going on. To be fair, Zoey explicitly states to the reader that she’s playing dumb… but does so after the exchange already starts. Sure you are, Zoey.

Another creature steps forward and Zoey observes that she “obviously used to be beautiful”, which means that she obviously used to be Aphrodite’s friend, Venus. She doesn’t really do much outside of just show up and be creepy like the other creatures, which kind of wastes having her show up at all. Even when Zoey recognizes her and Venus questions why, it is immediately dismissed for the rest of the chapter so Zoey can make some one-liners.

“Touch [Heath] and you die. Again.”

Things fall apart really quickly. Not for Zoey, of course. For the scene’s tone.

The pretty blonde narrowed her eyes at me. “How do you know me, fledgling?”
“She knows a lot of stuff,” Heath said [...] “And I’m about sick of all of you fucked-up creatures.”
“Why is that speaking?” Stevie Rae spat. [...]
“He isn’t a that. He’s Heath. Remember, Stevie Rae? My ex-boyfriend?”
“Zo. I am not your ex-boyfriend. I’m your boyfriend.”
“Heath. I told you before that this can’t possibly work out between us.”

What… what? Aren’t you currently surrounded by bloodthirsty undead murder creatures? Is this really the time to interrupt the narrative with the Zoey’s romantic interests subplot again?

“Oh, Zo, you know you love me.” [Heath] winked at me and I couldn’t help smiling back at him.
“Fine. I love you.”
“What’sss happening…” the gross Elliott creature hissed.

Your own character said it, Casts. Not me. [Ariel says: It says a lot when the grossest thing about the scene isn't the character deemed "the gross Elliot creature". Also, seriously, why is Elliot the only one who is hissing? Why has he become so snake-like?] 

Even stranger, apparently something actually is happening, and it might be the actual dumbest thing I’ve ever read in a book.

“Tell them what’s happening here. You know. I know you do.”
Steve Rae’s face contorted, and the words sounded like they were being wrenched from her throat. “Humanity! They’re showing their humanity!”

This is actually what is happening in this book. Zoey and Heath are stopping the undead creatures by reminding them what being human is like. Apparently. Seeing Zoey and Heath’s relationship fulfils that requirement. Apparently.

“Heath, un-human-ness isn’t a word. It’s inhumanity.”
“Zo, I’m not stupid. I know that I was just coining a word.”
“Coining?” Had he really just said that?
He nodded. “I learned about it in Dickson’s English class. It has to do with…” He paused, and I swear the creatures were even listening expectantly. “Poetry.”
Despite our awful situation I laughed. “Heath, you really have been studying!”

Remember how bullshit the ending of the first book was, where the antagonist ghosts showed up for the first time during the climax, which was the first time they were even mentioned? The second book somehow has an even more bullshit ending than that. This conversation is the key to victory over the undead creatures? This counts as a conversation? It’s too bad to even be able to tell a bad story! This would be like if they stopped the villain at the end of Star Wars: Attack of the Clones with the “I don’t like sand” scene.

Stevie Rae declares that she’s had enough of this (preaching to the choir, Stevie Rae) and that it’s time to kill Zoey and Heath, because they’ve seen them and cannot be allowed to leave. Zoey summons Shaunee’s affinity for fire (which she can apparently do), which amazingly manages to be more effective than Zoey’s affinity for humanity. The Casts then take this scene that already couldn’t decide whether it was mortal peril or a romantic comedy and decide to throw over-the-top horrifying into the mix:

I turned in time to see one of the creatures launch herself at Heath. I lifted my arms and flung the fire at her [...] It was Elizabeth No Last Name – the nice girl who had died last month. Now her burning body writhed on the floor, reeking of spoiled meat and decay, which was all that was left of her lifeless shell.

After creating this unmoving husk of decayed meat and burning flesh now far removed from the vessel for a human life which it once was (dang, I just don’t know if I can top how unsettling the Casts’ actual sentence was – sigh), Zoey leaves it behind as a warning to the other creatures, who promptly follow Zoey and Heath on their way out anyway. Zoey channels Stevie Rae’s earth affinity (because not only can she apparently channel other peoples’ affinities, but they don’t even have to be alive anymore) to cause part of the tunnel to collapse between them and the creatures.

While she does so she sees a vision of another, different Stevie Rae, who is also undead, but “weeping openly, her expression filled with despair”. Zoey gains some comfort from this vision, thinking that maybe Stevie Rae could still be saved somehow, which is actually a nice, hopeful note to end this chapter on. [Ariel says: But what kind of southern stereotype was this Stevie Rae? Was she nice white trash? Mean white trash? This is game changing information.] 

[Heath] bent and kissed me. I tasted the dark sweetness of his blood

GODDAMMIT, AGAIN?

When my tongue snaked out and touched it, he moaned and pressed my hips closer to his. I closed my eyes and began to lick-
“Kill me!” Steve Rae’s broken voice [cried].

Your own character said it, Casts. Not me.

If anyone out there ever does a search for “Entwined with You Search Engine Optimisation” we’re definitely going to be number one, I can just smell the success, motherfuckers! [Matthew says: We're getting less and less subtle about how we're totally selling out over here. Buy a mug!]

When we last left off, Eva had confronted Evil Reporter Deanna over the phone. Though Deanna’s accusations about Gideon are actually very much grounded in reality, she herself is easily written off as just another Desperate Woman Scorned. If her motivations had been just an iota more compelling, she probably would have made the list of our misunderstood characters, which is one of the highest of honours on BBGT. [Matthew says: A Crossfire character who isn't motivated solely by sex would be understood by the other Crossfire characters just as well as if they were speaking Russian.]

Chapter 8

Eva finds Gideon pacing in his office.

The indolent, well-pleasured male I’d eaten dinner with was gone, replaced by an urban predator who dominated his competition.

I always find it really odd how she often describes him like this, as an animal. She doesn’t even call him a man, just refers to him as “male”. [Matthew says: In case we forget? "Oh, shit, I forgot Gideon is a MAN."] Eva must keep male urban predator Gideon pleased or Gideon MAD. Gideon dominate competition NOW.

Eva is upset Gideon didn’t tell her that he’s being sued (by a man he punched in the face.) In his defence, Gideon had intended to, but instead chose to comfort Eva when she was upset about her mother being an asshole. I’m with him on this one, a lot of distracting stuff happened last chapter, how could anyone keep track of what they intended to do when they got home from work in this series!

That night, Eva is able to catch Gideon at the start of one of his nightmares, and after she wakes him up they talk about why he’s been having them more frequently lately.

“I killed a man,” he said grimly. “It’s never been safe for you to be with me when I’m sleeping, and that’s even truer now.”
“Gideon …” I suddenly understood why he’d been having his nightmares more frequently. He could rationalize what he’d done, but that didn’t alleviate the weight on his conscience.

Christ, it’s about time this is addressed. Come on, Eva, wouldn’t it be pretty insane if Gideon didn’t have complex feelings about murdering a man despite the rationalization? [Matthew says: I like how it actually takes Eva time to realize "huh, maybe murdering a dude... makes you feel bad..."]

They cuddle and talk about happier dreams he could have, which obviously include sex because this is a book from the Crossfire series.

“God, I love your mouth.”
“You should dream about that, then. And all the naughty things it can do to you.”
“Give me some examples.”
I gave him plenty, talking in a low soothing voice, my hands stroking over his skin. He slipped away from me with a deep exhalation.
I held him close until long after the sun rose.

Who needs lullabies or comforting words when you can soothingly talk dirty to someone?

The next morning, Eva decides it’s time to talk strategy with Gideon about his public image.

“I’m mostly thinking of how to combat a smear campaign focused on your temper.”

Oh oh! I can help.

Step 1: Don’t beat people up in public.

Step 2: Don’t beat people up in general. Maybe just a quick punch in the face, but you know, avoid assault.

Step 3: Hug a baby or something, but don’t punch said baby in the face. Not even if he smiles at Eva.

Step 4: Continue down this path of not violently attacking people when your personal life is constantly under scrutiny.

Glad I could help, Geva.

Eva suddenly becomes a search/marketing professional, and begins criticising Gideon for his Crossroads Foundation charity’s abysmal website. Sadly, as this is pretty much the career path I’m pursuing, I found this to be the most interesting thing that has ever happened in the series.

That earned him a quick, smacking kiss to the temple. “It took me a ridiculous amount of time to find out about the Crossroads Foundation.”
“You didn’t know where to look.” [Matthew says: I feel like this is a really bad excuse for having a disorganized website.]
“Your search optimization really blows,” [This scene is even better because they're using blows in this context.] I countered, pulling up the website. “And there’s only this splash page, which is pretty, but ridiculously bare. Where are the links and info about the charities that have benefited? Where’s the About page on the foundation and what you hope to accomplish?” [Seriously? Gideon is like Super Businessman Extraordinaire and there's no About page? Come on. It's not quite the same level as English major Anastasia Steele has never used email or the internet to do research, but it's pretty dang close.] [Matthew adds: What information is on this website? I literally can't think of anything else you would put on a website for a charity.]
“A packet detailing all of that information is sent out to charities, hospitals, and universities twice a year.”
“Great. Now, let me introduce you to the Internet. Why isn’t the foundation tied to you?”
“Crossroads isn’t about me, Eva.”
“The hell it isn’t.” I met his raised brows with my own and shoved a to-do list in front of him. “We’re defusing the Deanna bomb before it blows. This website needs to be overhauled by Monday morning, with the addition of these pages and the information I’ve outlined.”

I know there is some hilariously stupid logic going on there – Like the Deanna situation being completely reversed simply by improving this one webpage. But I was into this scene.

Seriously, what the fuck does this say about the series that I was genuinely nodding along and tying to brainstorm along with Eva ways for Gideon to create a better landing page for his foundation and get the word out about the good he’s doing. It’s not even clear what this foundation does, but I was like, “Fuck yeah, let’s get our hands dirty, Eva! Let’s create a damn About page already!” What does it say about this series that this is the only “plot line” (and it can’t even be considered a plot line) that I’m actively invested in.

Also, what does it say about me that my reaction to this is SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMISATION, Y’ALL.

Hey, Gideon, I’d love to launch your Adwords campaign for you. Guys, all I want is a happy ending to this series where Crossroads Foundation is ranking higher on Google than the Britney Spears movie Crossroads. I think that’s more important than any supposed character development going on.

This is Eva at her absolute best, and I daresay it might even be the sexist part of the book. If she went to work for Gideon now, I wouldn’t even judge her because her changes to his website make sense. But I don’t really believe that Gideon wouldn’t have a team of professionals already working on this shit. Just saying. [Matthew says: Ariel, you are clearly forgetting the rule that the main character must be better than the love interest's paid professionals, as was established when Ana became editor-in-chief of Christian's publishing house after working there for a few weeks. ROMANCE WRITING TIPS 101, Y'ALL.] He’s supposed to be this business genius, an urban predator if you will, and he’s got no About page or links to information about the charities he’s helped? I’m sure he would have hired wiser people than this unless he drunkenly created this page one night on his lonesome, which I seriously doubt.

Sadly for me, this subject is dropped to talk about how Gideon already has plans to manage every situation Deanna claims she’s going to use against him. This for some reason becomes a discussion about Eva and Gideon getting married someday. How do these conversations shift so rapidly? The whiplash I experience reading this series is insane.

He leaned back. “Think about it. The lid is about to blow on a scandal involving you and me. What’s the swiftest way to defuse it?”
“Stay away from me. That’s what you’d be advised to do. Distancing yourself from the source of a scandal is Crisis Management 101.”
“Or do the opposite and marry you,” he said softly. [...]
“I just…” I blurted it out in a rush. “I want you to ask me when I can say yes.”
Tension gripped his body. He leaned back, his eyes wounded beneath his frown. “You couldn’t say yes now?”
I shook my head.
His mouth thinned into a determined line. “Lay out what you need from me to make that happen.”

Eva explains that he needs to be more forthcoming with information because she still feels like he’s hiding things. Gideon makes the good point of asking her to be more specific, so he can answer any lingering questions she currently has.

What burning question do you think Eva is going to ask Gideon first?

“Vidal Records. Why are you in control of your stepfather’s company?”
“Because it was going under.” His jaw hardened. “My mother had already suffered through one financial meltdown; I wasn’t going to let it happen to her again.”
“What did you do?”
“I was able to convince her to talk them—Chris and Christopher—into taking the company public, then she sold Ireland’s shares to me. In addition to what I acquired, I had the majority.”

Well, that was the most boring question she could have picked. Did anyone else remember that as one of the series’ most important unsolved mysteries?

Eva gets a call from her mother and agrees to come over and talk to her. She also gets a text from her friend asking what she’s wearing on their big night out tonight. Shit, somehow this one day is going to get drawn out into two more chapters I bet. We still have to go to Eva’s mom’s house AND on this night out.

With that information out of the way, it’s time to talk about important business issues again!

“This is all very good,” he praised, gesturing at his desktop. “Especially considering you pulled this together in a matter of hours.”
I preened a little, thrilled to have impressed a businessman whose acumen had made him one of the most successful individuals in the world.

Let me just reiterate, he didn’t hire someone who had the sense to create a fucking About page on a website about a charity. Something that people might actually want to know before donating to a charity.

This of course leads into Gideon telling Eva he still wants her to come work for him. That had definitely completely slipped my mind since we haven’t heard about it in half a chapter. Gideon wanting Eva to work for him is to Entwined in You what Damien being gay is to the entire House of Night series.

As per usual, a few different things happen in a jumble towards the end of the chapter. Just in case any are significant, [Matthew says: Wait, there are significant things happening in this book?] here we go:

1) Gideon tries to convince Eva he’d provide her with a fun, challenging job, and that even if they disagreed at work they could totally leave that drama behind in the office. I’ll believe it when I see it, people. Given Gideon and Eva can barely have a night at home without drama as is, I have considerable doubts about them being able to manage work and home drama.

2) Eva stops home and chats to Cary’s boyfriend Trey, and it’s a nice scene. Eva ships Cary/Trey over Cray/Tatiana, so she tells Trey they should hang sometime. He seems like a nice dude. But this bit cracked me up in conjunction with #5 on this list. Trey asks Eva how she’s doing, and this is her response:

“Dodging reporters, hoping my boss gets engaged, planning on setting one parent straight, fitting in a phone call to the other parent, and looking forward to hitting the town with the girls tonight.”
“You’re awesome.”

I really hope Trey is being sarcastic. Best character ever if that’s the case. What the fuck about being hopeful that her boss gets engaged makes her awesome? Or talking to her parents? Or going on a girls’ night out? I think that is just referred to as “being a generic human.”

3) Clancy, Eva’s mom’s driver/security guy picks Eva up to bring her to see her mom. They get to talking, and they talk about how Eva’s mom never told her she saw Nathan that day outside of the Crossfire building, and Clancy points out that Nathan was trying to scare Eva and no one wanted to give him that satisfaction.

4) Eva talks to her dad on the phone, and for some reason also tells him her boss might be getting engaged. Why the fuck does she feel the need to tell everyone this? I’m surprised there wasn’t a scene thrown in where she told Clancy this or the cashier at a corner shop.

5) Eva asks Clancy what he would do to protect his wife, and he’s like, “What wouldn’t I do?” So I guess the implication is that everyone is completely absolving Gideon for the murder even without knowing that’s what they’re doing?

Question for you guys:

How many of you are Orange is the New Black fans? If television isn’t your thing, what is something you’re currently super into?

I was really hoping that today we’d learn that the Supreme Court’s decision on the Hobby Lobby case declaring that corporations are more people than women was actually part of Facebook’s social experiment to see if exposure to bad news would make people feel bad, but I guess that’s not the case. Well, we better move on to something less misogynistic and manipulative than America in the year 2014: Samuel Richardson’s Pamela.

Hm, 2/3 of the people weighing in on a case about women’s rights are men HMMMMMM

Days 27-30

Remember that time Pamela was left completely unattended but didn’t run away because she couldn’t think of a way away from the house other than walking right past a bull? Well, now that Pamela is under extra surveillance, she decides that now is a good time to escape. [Ariel says: For anyone who watches Orphan Black, which I suspect may be 1-2 of you - I bet the bull is Pamela's monitor. This is a very bespoke joke, intimately crafted for a minority of readers.]

I will endeavor to get Mrs. Jewkes to go to bed without me, as she often does, while I sit locked up in my closet. [...] If I can but then get out between the two bars of the window [...] then I can drop upon the [plants] underneath

Pamela comes up with a plan to throw some of her clothing into the pond, so her captors will think she drowned herself, thus buying Pamela more time to get away. The bull is apparently no longer a problem. [Ariel says: The twist is that the bull was Pamela all along, but she wasn't aware of this split personality. This joke goes out to the vast majority of readers who have seen or read Fight Club and who felt alienated by my earlier reference to Orphan Black.]

O my dear parents! Don’t be frightened when you come to read this!

After asking her parents not to be scared that she really killed herself in a letter that they will only read if she delivers it to them personally, Pamela signs off for the day, and her next account tells of her disastrous failed escape attempt.

Here I am still; and everything has been worse and worse! [...] Your poor Pamela has escaped from an enemy worse than any she ever met with; an enemy she never thought of before, and was hardly able to stand against

What, did she see a chicken or something?

I know I’m not being especially fair, because there’s a big difference between a bull and a puppy, but this is basically how I picture Pamela’s struggle with the world.

Pamela describes how she climbed out window, made it look like she drowned, and then discovered that Mrs. Jewkes had changed the lock, so the key she got from Mr. Williams doesn’t work. Pamela desperately tries to climb over the wall instead.

The wall being old, the bricks I held by gave way [and I] received such a blow upon my head, with one of the bricks that it quite sunned me; and I broke my shins and ankle

I like how Richardson goes to such absurd lengths for us to feel bad for Pamela, that he has to give her a concussion and then keep going. “Also I broke my shins. Both of them! And my ankle!”

Pamela – surprisingly more determined to escape after breaking bones in her legs than she was when there was an animal in the relative vicinity – tries to find a ladder to climb over the wall, but has no success. Utterly defeated, things get serious as Pamela does the one thing we’ve kind of always hoped one of our main characters would do: consider killing themselves.

We’re just gonna choose to believe this is what the people really wanted.

O my dear, dear parents, forgive your poor child; but being then quite desperate, [...] what to do, but throw myself into the pond, and so put a period to all my griefs in this world!

Pamela fantasizes about how things would totally go down if she killed herself.

My master, my angry master, will then forget his resentments, and say, “O, this is the unhappy Pamela that I have so causelessly persecuted and destroyed! Now do I see she preferred her honesty to her life”

In case you haven’t picked up on this, Pamela is super duper humble. [Ariel says: I'm just shocked and grateful that she hasn't been writing poetry about herself again.]

I hope I shall not be the subject of ballads and elegies; but that my memory, for the sake of my dear father and mother, may quickly slide into oblivion.

Yes, Pamela. I am certain that all the poets of England will be moved to tell tales of your plight. Not that you want that, of course. You’re just the one who brought it up.

Pamela eventually decides not to kill herself, because God, and praises him for saving her from herself, although also points out that “although it’d be nice if you could deliver me from, you know, the Master” (which is a little weird in tone), once again making this 18th century novel in which a God-fearing woman Stockholm Syndrome-d into loving a man is somehow more thought-provoking than most of the 21st century books we read on this blog.

Not even suicide is safe from Pamela‘s hilarious melodrama, because we then have a scene in which the household wakes up, concludes that Pamela drowned herself and runs around the yard in a panic, while Pamela is too injured to move or call attention to herself. When they do finally find her, they are of course immediately mad at her, because Pamela must suffer more than anyone in the history of time. Mrs. Jewkes determines that since the extra man the Master sent still wasn’t enough to keep Pamela out of trouble, they better just go ahead and get the Master himself this time, because – dammit – everything they try isn’t working! [Ariel says: I'm not going to lie, I don't understand what is happening at all anymore! What the fuck are these people trying to accomplish!!]

So unfortunately we’re not getting many more wacky antics.

We then learn that even if Pamela had escaped, it would have ultimately failed, because – like Christian Grey and Gideon Cross after him – the Master already owns everything everywhere.

She was provided with a warrant from my master (who is a justice of peace in this county as well as in the other) to get me apprehended, if I had got away

I bet if Pamela did kill herself, she’d have found that the Master also happened to be in charge of the pearly gates, because male love interests in romance novels must always own everything.

Days 31-37

The Master has an accident and nearly drowns while traveling, and we’re finally starting to get to the Stockholm Syndrome-y part of Pamela, where – like Anastasia Steele and Eva Tramell and Abby Abernathy after her – she inexplicably cares for the emotionally abusive and manipulative man in her life.

He has certainly done enough to make me hate him; but yet, when I heard his danger [...] I could not in my heart forbear rejoicing for his safety; although his death would have ended my afflictions.

Although Pamela lays it on rather thick.

To be sure, I am not like other people!

We then learn that the Master has a Plan B for his “Marry Pamela off to someone else, profit somehow” strategy – the foreigner from Switzerland he sent along to watch Pamela!

By marrying me to this dreadful Colbrand, [he will then] buy me [from] him on the wedding day, for a sum of money [because] it will be my duty to obey my husband

I’m no expert on 18th century English law, but I’m pretty sure this plan is pretty not at all legal. Also, racism!

The Swiss is to go home again, with the money, to his former wife and children; for, she says, it is the custom of those people to have a wife in every nation.

Are we talking about the same Switzerland?

Switzerland: One of our racist stereotypes is having lots of wives apparently!

After a few anxious days, the Master arrives. Pamela first overhears his voice as he discusses dinner plans with the staff.

“I shall choose a boiled chicken, with butter and parsley.”

Apparently chicken is also a centuries-old romance trope?

He put on a stern and majestic air; and he can look very majestic when he pleases. “Well, perverse Pamela, ungrateful runaway,” said he.

Does this not sound almost identical to Fifty Shades of Grey? The female narrator talks about how great – but also serious! – he looks, while he chastises her? Things then get distinctly more 18th century, though.

“I thought,” said he, “When I came down, you should have sat at table with me [but you] prefer [servitude] to me, [so instead] I call you down to wait on me, while I sup, that I may have a little talk with you, and throw away as little time as possible upon you.”
“Sir,” said I, “you do me honor to wait upon you – and I never shall, I hope, forget my original [status].”

The Master and Mrs. Jewkes talk about how awful Pamela is in front of her (although for some reason he’s still going through with his plan to win Pamela’s love?). It is what you’d expect from any of the romance novels we read on the blog (melodramatic emotional abuse), as well as what you’d expect from Pamela (funny-sounding antiquated insults):

“Come, Sawcy-face, give me another glass of wine!”
[I] wept so, that he said, “I suppose I shall have some of your tears in my wine!”

This could almost be from Beautiful Disaster, except someone gets called a Sawcy-face. [Ariel says: And no one seems to have inexplicably been recruited by the FBI.] 

Because writing letters was apparently pretty big in those days, the Master gives Pamela a list of proposals:

1. The Master will do a few things for Pamela if she can convince him that she doesn’t have a thing for Mr. Williams. (Pamela writes that she has no interest in love, because God.)
2. The Master will give Pamela 500 guineas. (Pamela writes that she has no interest in money, because God.)
3. The Master will give Pamela’s father a well-paying property to manage. (Pamela mixes things up a bit and writes that her parents have no interest in money, because God.)
4. The Master will do the same thing for any of Pamela’s friends. (Pamela writes that she… doesn’t have friends, because God? I’m getting a little confused here.)
5. The Master will buy Pamela fancy clothing and jewels of her own choosing. (Pamela writes that she has no interest in material goods, because God. You’ve probably got the gist of this. Although she does refer to her virginity as “the best jewel”, which is worth mentioning.)
6. The Master wants Pamela to “be mistress of my person and fortune, as much as if the foolish ceremony had passed”, which is actually kind of interesting how he literally can’t propose marriage because of their class distinction. (Also Pamela says no.)

The section ends with the Master upset and perplexed that Pamela has rejected the same offer yet again.

Did you forget this movie takes place in San Francisco? If so, Tommy Wiseau included yet another shot that will help you remember!

Apparently.

Lisa and Michelle are lounging about in the middle of the day drinking wine, because this is what women typically do during the day.

During one of Lisa’s many days off from her job in the computer business.

Michelle asks Lisa how Johnny is, because this scene is determined to fail the Bechdel Test as fast as it possibly can. Lisa says that Johnny didn’t get his promotion, that he got drunk last night, and that he hit her. She also says so as dryly as that sentence is written, because I guess Lisa’s just bored of spreading the lie about Johnny’s physical abuse already? Michelle responds with – amazingly – actual human emotion, albeit that emotion is exasperated shock and confusion, which contrasts sharply with Juliette Danielle’s “wait what room am I in” portrayal of Lisa.

Michelle: HE HIT YOU?
Lisa: (Monotone) He didn’t know what he was doing.
Michelle: ARE YOU OKAY?
Lisa: (Monotone) Well, I don’t want to marry him anymore.
Michelle: WHAAAT?

Which is the first time a character in this movie has made the same expression the majority of the audience has been making.

Speaking of not knowing what you’re doing, Lisa has no idea whether she’s drinking her wine or putting it down in this superbly-edited scene.

Now, don’t worry! Lest you thought that having one of the characters act like a normal human person in one of their scenes was one person entirely too many, this ends very quickly when Lisa talks about what really matters: banging Mark.

Lisa: Johnny’s… okay… (hint of a human emotion a smile) but I found somebody else.

Michelle asserts that this isn’t right, but once Lisa offers a sufficient explanation (“I’m doing… what I want to do.”), Michelle immediately goes from “how a human would react” to “gossip party time”:

Michelle: (smiling, because why the fuck not) Well, who is he?
Lisa: (smiling, although this we’re at least used to by now) His best friend.

Okay, so, uh, not only are we not feeling bad about this detail anymore, like in the beginning of the movie, but suddenly we’re gloating about it?

Michelle: (surprised laugh, genuine smile) I can’t believe you’re telling me this! It’s Mark, isn’t it?

Holy shit, Michelle, how did you crack Lisa’s code?

Suddenly, Michelle remembers this is actually really bad news. She tells Lisa that she’s just thinking of herself and she has to “be honest” with Johnny, which Lisa immediately insists she can’t do, because it would devastate him, the man who loves her that she is currently cheating on with his best friend. When Michelle presses the issue, Lisa makes a perfectly reasonable request.

Lisa: No guilt trips!

Yes, please, whatever you do, don’t make me feel bad about cheating on my fiance. Have some decency.

Haven’t I suffered enough?

Michelle: You don’t feel guilty about this at all?
Lisa: No. I’m happy.
Michelle: (exasperated sigh)

Tommy Wiseau stops teasing us with flashes of actually understanding how baffling his movie is to just show up and pick up the pace himself. And also a newspaper.

Hey, without this awkward, lengthy transitional scene in the middle of a scene, we would have had NO IDEA where Johnny’s newspaper came from!

Oh goddammit.

Ready for things to not make sense again?

Michelle: Don’t worry.
(Door audibly opens in the same room)
Michelle: Your secret is safe with me.
(Camera cuts to Johnny, walking towards them, in the same room that they are where they are openly talking about “secrets”)
Michelle and Lisa: (drink wine)

Johnny walks literally within arm’s reach of the couch before they notice he is there.

Johnny: Hello, Michelle. I heard you. What secret?

“Because, you know, you were talking about it and I was standing right over there, so, uh… Yeah. Hi?”

Lisa tries to quickly change the topic with the not at all more-suspicious, “It’s between us women”. Johnny still goes for it, though, and immediately asks if she got a new dress. Michelle, having nothing else to do in this scene now that there is a male character in it, gets up to leave.

More importantly, spoons.

Spooooooons.

Just before she leaves, Michelle continues to act not even remotely suspiciously.

Michelle: Lisa. Remember what I told you.

Johnny understandably asks what she means by that not-at-all subtle statement. Lisa snaps that, “It’s girl talk. I just told you that.” Sad music plays.

Johnny: I never hit you.

Well, it’s about time Johnny brings up the elephant in the room of how Lisa kind of doesn’t have any logical character motivation to do this, since they both know she’s lying.

Johnny: You shouldn’t have any secrets from me. I’m your future husband.
Lisa: You sure about that? Maybe I’ll change (dramatic pause) my mind.
Johnny: (smiles and shakes head) Don’t talk like that.

This might be more awkward to sit through than real domestic arguments.

Johnny: What do you mean?
Lisa: What do you think? Women change their minds all the time!
Johnny: (throws his hands over his head in laughter)

Women!

Lisa: Look, I don’t want to talk about it. I’m going to go upstairs, wash up, and go to bed.

Which is apparently the line it takes for Johnny to snap.

Johnny: HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT? (stands up and pushes Lisa onto the couch)

So, seriously, out of all the weirdly caustic things Lisa says to Johnny in this scene, “I’m going to bed” is the one that sends him into a fit of rage. See for yourself.

Also, yes, this is that scene.

That scene.

That scene.

Johnny: (sobbing) Why, Lisa? Why, Lisa? Please talk to me! Please! You’re part of my life! You are everything! I could not go on without you, Lisa!
Lisa: (stage whisper) You’re scaring me.
Johnny: You are lying! I narely (probably supposed to be “didn’t”, but, uh, words are hard) hit you! YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, LISA!

Lisa asks a surprisingly good question.

Lisa: WHY ARE YOU SO HYSTERICAL?

Johnny says… this:

Johnny: Do you understand life? DO YOU?

That was relevant.

The scene actually progresses perfectly from there, with Lisa staring at him completely expressionlessly, then getting up and slowly, silently walking away. Note that “perfectly” doesn’t necessarily have to happen on purpose.

Lisa stops on the staircase, and turns to Johnny.

Lisa: (Reassuringly, actually) Don’t worry about it. Everything will be alright.
Johnny: (utterly exasperated, in contrast) YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY.

Then Tommy Wiseau wraps up the scene with this very natural line of dialogue.

Johnny: Don’t worry about it. I still love you.

Then what the hell did we have to watch that for?

- – -

Hey! So, ordinarily I don’t go into any background, behind-the-scenes information about The Room, because I’m not trying to explain The Room, but rather close-read The Room, like we do with all the books on this blog. But this scene stands out. Because, you know…

Now, you may have watched that rather infamous scene and immediately thought of a this famous scene:

As was confirmed in Greg Sestero (Mark)’s 2013 book, the almost tell-all The Disaster Artist, yes, Tommy Wiseau was 100% copying this scene. As it turns out, Tommy Wiseau and Greg Sestero bonded over their shared love of James Dean, and Tommy would actually do that scene in their acting classes, terribly misreading the character by screaming and dramatically sobbing the famous line. Somehow the most surprising part of that sentence is “acting classes”.

Needless to say, Tommy Wiseau couldn’t quite figure out why such a scene worked, which why we have this, The Room‘s best-known moment, in all its incompetent glory.

Previously:

“Oh, Zo, you know you love me.” [Heath] winked at me and I couldn’t help smiling back at him.
“Fine. I love you.”
“What’sss happening…” the gross Elliott creature hissed.

That line both sums everything up and makes me laugh every time – it’s a win win.

Chapter 30

This chapter picks up right where the last one left off [Matthew says: Like most House of Night chapters, because time doesn't pass in this universe and everything that happens is condensed into a week or so per book.]

My face flamed with embarrassment as I pushed myself out of Heath’s arms, wiping my mouth and breathing hard. Stevie Rae was standing down the tunnel just a few yards from us. Tears still rained down her cheeks and her face was twisted in despair.
“Kill me,” she repeated on a sob.

I don’t blame her for desperately wanting out of this book. Poor Stevie Rae, she just wants everyone to stop treating her like a stereotype!

Zoey refuses, and she insists that Stevie Rae is still alive, so they can go home and figure everything out.

“I’m not me anymore. I did die, and part of me—the best part of me—is still dead, just like it is for the rest of them.” She gestured back at the cave-in.

The biggest mystery of the series has just become what the fuck was the best part of Stevie Rae? From where I’m standing she’s suddenly become way more likeable and interesting. Exhibit A:

“You’re not like they are,” I said firmly.
“I’m more like them than I am like you.” Her gaze shifted from me to Heath, who was standing quietly beside me. “You wouldn’t believe the awful things that go through my mind. I could kill him without a second thought. I would have already if his blood hadn’t been changed by the Imprint with you.”
“Maybe it wasn’t just that, Stevie Rae. Maybe you didn’t kill him because you really didn’t want to,” I said.
Her eyes found mine again. “No. I wanted to kill him. I still do.”

See? She’s way better already! Any self-respecting character in this story would want to kill Heath.

Heath then reveals that he was part of the reason the other two footballers were captured by the zombie ghosts.  Dramatically, Heath explains the truth.

“Those things grabbed Brad and Chris because they were hanging around the House of Night, and that’s my fault because I’d told them how hot you are.” 

Didn’t those guys have anything better to do? I know teenage boys are horny, but this seems like a fuck ton of effort to put into going to get a look at the sort-of-girlfriend of a friend. That is what pictures are for.

[Matthew says: Even stranger than how that was supposed to be a dramatic and believable reveal, Heath is suddenly a cold-blooded murderer:

"You should kill her. You should kill them all."

THIS IS AN ACTUAL HEATH QUOTE, YOU GUYS. WHERE THE SHIT DID THAT COME FROM? This would be as jarring a shift in tone as if you replaced the little girl from Finding Nemo with Breaking Bad's Walter White.]

“I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS.”

In the midst of the discussion about whether Stevie Rae should die, Stevie Rae suddenly proclaims that “she” is coming and dramatically reveals that Neferet is the one who is coming. Zoey acts shocked even though we figured this out ages ago when Elliot was drinking Neferet’s blood. [Matthew says: Or ages ago when Zoey "just knew" she couldn't talk to Neferet when she got attacked by the creatures in the first book when that was the only course of action that would have made sense to the reader.] Derp de derp.

“Who are you talking about, Stevie Rae?”
“Neferet.”
The name blasted through me and even as I shook my head in denial I felt the truth of it deep within me. “Neferet did this to you, to all of you?”
“Yes. Now get out of here, Zoey!”

I think what Stevie Rae meant to say was, “Yes. Now get out of here, Zoey, before you force me to reveal more information that has actually already been revealed. Did you know that I’m southern? Or that Damien is gay? Or that Aphrodite is actually the best character in this series?”

Zoey tells Stevie Rae to remember her connection to her element and stay strong until they return for her. As they’re trying to escape Homeless Ghost Town, Zoey calls the police. This is the perfect opportunity for Heath to reference an old Verizon commercial because…why the fuck not?

I flipped open the phone and I swear my heart didn’t beat until the bars started to light up green.
“Can ya hear me now?” Heath said, grinning at me.

Before getting to safety, Neferet dramatically reveals herself from the shadows (actually).

Zoey feels the power of the elements “shimmer” around her (actually) and pretends she’s super relieved to see Neferet and asks if the detectives contacted her. She claims they thought a crazy street person was going to kill them (actually.) It seems like Neferet buys this bullshit (actually.)

Neferet has no choice but to mind crush Zoey and Heath.

I felt Heath go rigid as pain shot through my body. It blasted against my mind and my knees would have buckled had her hand not been like a vise, holding me up. “You will remember nothing!” The words echoed through my agony-filled mind, and then there was only darkness.

American readers: happy Fourth of July! Non-American readers: regular fourth of July! [Ariel says: American readers living abroad - what are you doing to celebrate? I feel very sad that there are no 4th of July BBQs going on here that I know of.] Let’s celebrate by wrapping up Betrayed, the second House of Night book, and the first book in this series to have something that could be described as a plot!

Based on the response we’ve been getting, it sounds like we’ve all been having a great time with House of Night – meaning, of course, that we all fucking hate it. The problem remains, however, that this series is so long that every time I make a joke about it, I have to Google how long it is (it’s twelve books long). We still don’t know exactly how many House of Night books we’re going to read, but we know that we have to at least read the third book, because apparently the Bad Books, Good Times community just really wants to hear about Zoey banging Loren Blake (you fucking monsters).

But we’re not reading that book next. We’re going to take a break from House of Night, lest our utter contempt for Zoey actually drive Ariel and myself insane, and next week we’ll be starting a totally new book. You gotta wait until next week for the announcement (suspense!), [Ariel says: Matt made me pinky swear I wouldn't say anything about it, because he knows I've already finished the book in question and have lots of things to say.] but I’ll give you a hint now that it is 1) also a book geared towards adults of the young variety, and 2) it is not the one about the kids who are dying of cancer.

I haven’t read it yet and have no idea if this book is good or bad, but I do know that John Green’s fans would murder us in our sleep.

Chapter 31

We pick up from our cliffhanger of Neferet shouting “You will remember nothing!” while doing vampyre magic to find that Zoey remembers nothing. All good so far. But we only have two chapters left and the Casts are determined to give a House of Night book a cohesive narrative for once.

I needed to wake up. I needed to remember. She needed me to remember. But who was she?

You may be familiar with the term, “deus ex machina”. It is when a problem in a story is solved by the sudden introduction of something out of nowhere that just happens to be able to solve the problem. The Latin translates to “god from the machine”, which is very literal in this case when a fucking god shows up to solve Zoey’s problem two pages after it happens.

“Zoey…”
I looked around the clearing and found the Goddess sitting on the other side of the stream [...]
“You have done very well. I am pleased with you. [...] I wish to remind you that the elements can restore as well as destroy.”

Zoey comes to and finds Detective Marx, and a medical team putting Heath in an ambulance. Marx tells Zoey that it was a good thing she found Heath when he did, because the multiple lacerations almost made him bleed to death. But wait! That’s not what happened!

“What happened here tonight, Zoey?” [...]
“Something’s wrong,” I admitted. “My memory is all messed up.”

Marx drives Zoey back to the House and tries to walk her through the night to try to help her remember what happened. He explains that understands that Zoey and Heath have imprinted because his vampyre twin sister tells him about vampyre stuff. He does not explain why he suspects Zoey knows more about what happened that night in the first place, since presumably Neferet, you know, removed everyone’s memories.

“My sister [...] warned me once that if I ever pissed off a High Priestess I would be in serious trouble because they had ways of erasing [...] people and memories.” (So then why would you know this is what happened?) “So I guess the question is: what have you done to piss off a High Priestess?”

OH. OH. I KNOW.

Zoey suddenly remembers what Nyx told her about the elements being able to restore, and asks Marx to stop the truck. She goes outside the truck and casts (once more, with feeling!) a circle, immediately restoring her memory of the night’s events. [Ariel says: I love how you can just fucking cast a circle no matter where you are standing. Zoey should start running pop-up circles.] Wasn’t that one chapter where this was a problem just full of suspense?

Chapter 32

Speaking of Zoey never telling anyone anything useful, that’s what Zoey does again, because she has more contempt for the plot than we do.

“You’re sure this is how it has to be?” Detective Marx asked [...] “That some homeless kook is responsible for Heath and the other two boys?” He shook his head. “Feels wrong to me.”

Speaking of Zoey being a fucking knob about being so fucking special:

“Yep.” I nodded wearily. “It has to be like this.” I was so damn tired I [could have fallen] asleep right there in the cop’s ginormic monster truck.

What fucking police departments have monster trucks?

This seems excessive for Tulsa.

Marx tells Zoey that she’s pretty sure she’s keeping information from him (look, at least she didn’t blow you off to go to a party) and wants her to know she can trust him.

I believed him, but I also knew that there were some secrets I couldn’t share. Not with this really nice detective. Not with anyone.

Alternatively, pretend someone on the internet made a gif of the “It’s my burden to bear!” scene from Lord of the Rings and then I put it here, because making gifs takes effort.

“You don’t have to deal with whatever it is on your own. I can help you. You’re just a kid – just a teenager.” He sounded totally exasperatedly.
I met his eyes steadily. “No, I’m a fledgling who is leader of the Dark Daughters and a High Priestess in training. Believe me, that’s a lot more than just a teenager.”

See, Marx, if you had just stopped at “You don’t have to… on your own”, Zoey might not have gone all “BUT I AM ZOEY” on you, because Zoey’s reasons only make sense to Zoey.

I couldn’t betray Stevie Rae’s presence, which meant no one could know about the creatures, or at least not until Stevie Rae was safe.

Case in point. Why is this Zoey’s only viable course of action? I’m not following this leap in logic from “I must help Stevie Rae” to “AND I MUST DO SO ALONE”. This doesn’t make Zoey come across as brave… this makes her seem like that kid in a group project who insists on doing everything themselves despite what a shitty job they’ve been doing. [Ariel says: Maybe she's scared of what people would do to Stevie Rae if they found out? I mean Heath was ready to murder her immediately, so I could see Zoey being hesitant.] 

How Zoey feels about everyone/How everyone SHOULD feel about Zoey.

Zoey returns to the school for her obligatory hero’s welcome, except now Neferet and Zoey secretly openly hate each other. Marx explains to Zoey’s friends and Neferet that they didn’t catch the person responsible, but there’s enough evidence to suggest that someone was trying to make the killings look like they were done by vampyres. Zoey fires the first shot.

“Zoey has given us a good description of the man to go by. It’s just a matter of time before we catch him.” [...]
“Yeah.” I met the High Priestess’s eyes. “I’ve told Detective Marx a lot. My memory’s really good.”
“I’m proud of you, Zoeybird!” Neferet came to me and put her arms around me, hugging me close. So close that only I heard her whisper into my ear, “If you speak against me I will make sure no human or fledgling or vampyre will believe you.”

Zoey counters Neferet’s threat by- oh Christ, it’s that fucking tattoo thing again.

“Neferet would you please look at my back?” [...] I turned so that my back was facing them, and lifted the bottom of my sweatshirt

Thus turning this into a scene where Zoey shows how much more powerful she has become already a lot by showing off her new tramp stamp.

“Z! Your Mark has spread.” Erik laughed and tentatively touched the newly tattooed skin of my back.

The ending of every House of Night book: Zoey has to save Heath, then gets more tattoos. Detective Marx manages to make this scene even drier than it already is.

“Congratulations, Zoey. I imagine this means that you continue to be special to your Goddess”

Except in House of Night-land, it’s just the first two panels.

This time Zoey gives Neferet a hug with a whispered message. See how things got mixed up there? Crazy!

“Humans and fledglings and vampyres don’t need to believe me about you because Nyx does. This is not over between us.”

Zoey leaves Neferet to go to Nyx’s temple to light a candle for Stevie Rae, because it’s important to Zoey that she and her friends remember their dead friend, but significantly less important that she let them know she’s not really dead and there’s a chance she can be saved.

Before we walked away I closed my eyes and whispered a prayer that was a promise I felt deep in my soul.
I’ll go back for you, Stevie Rae.

Sorry about your dead friend, guys! Zoey is special!

In case you couldn’t tell by the very appropriately titled post Search Engine Optimisation, in chapter 8, Eva gave Gideon advice on how to optimize his charity foundation’s website. Despite being a savvy businessman, Gideon didn’t have the foresight to hire a team of designers and web developers to create a usable website, so Eva to the rescue! [Matthew says: This is how starved Syvlia Day is for plot already. We had a chapter about Gideon's company's charity's website. Woooo.]

Also Gideon really wants Eva to come work for him because he’s so full of good ideas and business acumen clearly.

Chapter 9

And now, time for a girl’s night out with Eva’s minor character pals! [Matthew says: And time for our readers to start asking who any of these characters are.]

“What was wrong with that one?” Megumi asked, watching the guy in question walk away. “He had dimples.”

Entwined with You: setting the bar even lower for finding a potential life partner. Or boyfriend. Or first date. Or one night stand. Or casual conversation.

Just when you thought there weren’t enough minor characters to keep track of, we’re introduced to Megumi’s roomate Lacey. Now we can have two people in one living space who we aren’t concerned about – super convenient! [Matthew says: At least we were actually introduced to Lacey. Megumi just showed up out of the ether.]

Pop quiz time!

She is indeed a coworker of Eva’s. Congratulations to those of you who somehow remembered that (or were able to correctly identify the only normal answer of the bunch. Your deductive reasoning skills are truly astounding.)

Eva and her pals, failing miserably at the Bechdel test, talk about men and monogamy. It’s an incredibly watered down Sex and the City moment, so I’m pretty sure you can imagine the basic flow of conversation. If not, here’s a handy summary.

Woman 1: I wish my guy would commit.

Woman 2: Commitment is so overrated. *Jumps off bar stool and starts to wiggle butt for no reason as it doesn’t appear anyone is even near their table.*

Woman 1: I like commitment *sad face*

Woman 3: Have you tried talking to the man?

Woman 1: No.

Woman 3: Let’s take shots!!!!!

Woman 4: I’m here too! And I also want shots!

That is 98% true to the actual scene in the book. If this were an episode of Game of Thrones, fans of the book would be like “holy shit that was accurate and no rape was added to this scene for no apparent reason!” The highest of compliments.

[Matthew says: Every now and then I feel like I should try getting into Game of Thrones again, then I remember that I never read anything good about it and wonder why I keep thinking this.]

[Ariel says: I watched the first season and was super into it, but then lost interest during season two and have had no drive to get back into it. I blame racism/ageism for my lack of interest because there came a point where I couldn't tell one old white man apart from another. So at least 60% of the time I was just like waiting for the two characters I was interested in to come back on screen. I also don't particularly care who wins the game of thrones.] 

Eva, the most jealous person on the planet, dances with lots of random people. I never understand how she operates, because if Gideon were at this dance club, Eva would be terrified if his arm even brushed another woman’s. I mean, she’s so paranoid only moments ago she was thinking about the outfits all the waitresses at this place are wearing and wondering if Gideon “had any hand in picking the outfit? And if so, had anyone modeled it for him?”

So of course this makes complete sense:

We were swallowed into the mass of writhing dancers, quickly finding ourselves pressed between steamy male bodies.

[...]
“You’re beautiful,” someone yelled by my ear.

I looked over my shoulder at the dark-haired guy curved against my back. “Thanks!”

[...]

I reveled in the utter sensuality of the venue and the shameless drive for casual sex that everyone seemed to exude. I was pressed between a couple—the girlfriend at my back and her boyfriend at my front

What the fuck? I normally don’t dislike Eva as much as other protagonists we write about on here (Ana, Zoey, Abby), but right now I really find her unlikeable because I know in like ten minutes she’ll probably get angry at Gideon for smiling at a lady at a party. [Matthew says: Also for the near-endorsement of cat-calling, because I don't think I've ever heard a single woman ever say, "You know what I like? Street harassment!"]

Stanford’s nephew Martin shows up, and Eva sets him up with Lacey. It’s so beautiful when two characters who we know nothing about really hit it off and start flirting.

Soon, Eva and Martin’s crews are shooting the shit and having a grand old time.

Our expanded group was roaring with laughter in no time.

“And when Kurt came back from the bathroom,” Martin finished his story, “he sacked the whole restaurant.”

Andre and Martin started howling. Kurt threw limes at them.

“What does that mean?” I asked, smiling even though I didn’t get the punch line.

“It’s when you leave your sac hanging out of your fly,” Andre explained. “At first people can’t figure out what it is they’re seeing, then they try to figure out if you just somehow don’t know your nads are swinging in the breeze. No one says a word.”

In case this scene misleads you, they’re meant to be a really charming and fun group of guys! #Lowstandards. [Matthew says: Like a normal person using the English language, I assumed this meant that he fired the entire staff. This book managed to find a way to get even worse from there.][Ariel says: I thought the same thing! Did Sylvia Day make up this appropriation of "sacking"?]

Missing Gideon and his lack of stories about “sacking” the general public, Eva goes to call him, and he tells her he can be with her in twenty minutes and fuck her at the club. So generous! So selfless!

Eva tells Gideon she’s been “dancing like she’s single”, which maybe means she’s just been putting on this act for her friends’ benefit in order to convince them she’s single (thus making sure no one suspects her and Gideon of murderous murder)? Or to make Gideon jealous?

Even though Gideon and Eva’s dirty talk still turns my stomach nine times out of ten, the general idea of this chapter is sexy. Gideon and Eva sneakily meet in a secluded part of the club and keep it secret from everyone else. Though the reason behind keeping their relationship secret feels pretty contrived at this point, the secrecy does make this chapter more fun than many of the others that have come before it. #Lowstandards.

Anyway, Eva starts grinding with a guy while she waits for Gideon. In case you were wondering how Eva could tell when Gideon was nearby, it isn’t by using her eyes. No, she doesn’t find him with her vagina either, but nice guess.

We were three songs out before I felt the ripple of awareness that told me Gideon was nearby. The electrical charge swept over my skin, heightening every sensation.

Yup, basically Eva’s Spidey senses are tingling when Gideon is nearby. Or if you’re more familiar with Harry Potter it’s like when Harry’s scar burns when Voldemort is near. [Matthew says: Are we sure this isn't just her vagina?][Ariel says: You do have a point. Eva's vagina = Harry Potter's scar.]

I licked my lips with anticipation, leaning into the guy behind me and rubbing my ass voluptuously into the next roll of his hips.

Gideon’s hands fisted at his sides, his posture aggressive and predatory. He didn’t slow as he neared me, his body on a collision course with mine. Turning, I met him the last step, surging into him. Our bodies crashed together, my arms encircling his shoulders and my hands pulling his head down so I could take his mouth in a wet, hungry kiss.

This would be fine if we had any evidence that they were this kind of couple, but literally everything we’ve seen of them in the past indicates that neither can take any kind of jealousy, so this just doesn’t ring true at all. In what world would Gideon find this sexy and not infuriating? [Matthew says: Guess it's time to start taking bets on what Sylvia Day will retcon out next! Maybe she'll retcon out Cary's infidelity, or that Gideon murdered a dude!]

Gideon hitched one arm beneath my rear and lifted me, his other hand slapping flat against a pad on the wall by the mirror. I heard a faint beeping, and then a door opened in the mirror at my back and we stepped into almost total darkness. The concealed entrance closed behind us, muting the music. We were in an office, with a desk, a seating area, and a 180-degree view of the club through two-way mirrors.

Of course none of the crowd notice the fucking secret door that’s randomly opened behind Gideon and Eva because they’re all too busy dry humping on the dance floor. Of course Gideon’s club is built like a haunted mansion with a hidden door behind a mirror instead of a revolving book shelf. How much better would that scene have been if there’d be a revolving bookshelf in the middle of this club? [Matthew says: This is like some James Bond shit. Like the old, campy James Bond, where "sexy" meant "you like goofy novelties, right?".]

On the other side of the glass, the club raged on. I abandoned myself to the wickedly intense pleasure of seemingly exhibitionist sex, an illicit fantasy that always drove us wild.

Well that’s just cheating! All the thrill without the actual danger and hassle. Gideon’s money affords them the weirdest privileges.

I writhed, unable to bear the decadent pressure. My hand between my legs reached lower, cradled his sac.

Oh! Oh! Has Eva just gotten “sacked”? Day really knows how to tie a chapter together, doesn’t she?

He fucked me hard, thrusting like a man possessed. I held on, trembling, spread wide for the relentless drives of his rigid penis. He was lost to instinct, the insistent desire to mate.

Nothing gets readers going more than a little scientific dirty talk. Nature documentary style. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. The very male Gideon, an urban predator, has finally found a mate in Eva. Like most of his species, the insistent desire to mate has overwhelmed the male. The female, Eva, is very aroused by the maleness of Gideon.

And, well, the chapter ends with Gideon’s climax, and I genuinely have no idea what could possibly happen next because somehow this book has less plot than House of Night. I know, that is one of the most controversial statements I could make on Bad Books, Good Times.

So how many of you can actually keep track of who some of these minor characters are?

Challenge: Without looking at any past posts, name as many minor characters as you possible can.