Last week, Pamela tried to escape and failed, the Master proposed to Pamela and failed, and the Supreme Court tried to not totally fuck up a decision and failed. [Ariel says: Some members of the Supreme Court don't understand eBay. Fucking eBay. Apparently, they still communicate with handwritten notes, Pamela style. So my faith in their decision making skills was already pretty shaky.] 

I wrote a piece about that last thing for our friends over at Abstract, if you’re so inclined. It’s a rather upsetting read, sure, but my friend/editor insisted that I write something with “a couple of jokes and stuff”, so, uh, you can laugh about it too!

As for the first two things, I want to share a comment we got on our last post – from Ariel’s mom! – that sums up why everything is terrible much more succinctly than I did:

Pamela rejects offers from Master the way Eva is currently refusing Gideon’s offer to work with him and marry him. All these books have so many similarities it’s crazy. Pamela is as much of an idiot as all the modern romances heroines and Master is the same rich, manipulative, pretty boy we see in so many romance novels today. Ugh!

[Ariel says: In another world, my mother could have been the one to write for this blog.] 

If Facebook were around then, all your dumb friends would be posting about how every woman NEEDS to read Pamela because it’s SO GOOD.

Days 37-38

The Master is still super disappointed that Pamela rejected his most recent proposal even though absolutely nothing has changed in their relationship outside of him kidnapping her a few times.

“I can’t bear,” said he, “to speak to her myself!”

It’ll be interesting when this is all over to see whether the Master manages to take Travis’s title of “whiniest male lead“.

Because Pamela is being so difficult about this whole “being kidnapped” thing, they’ve upped her nighttime security to having not just Mrs. Jewkes share her bed with her, but also another female servant, Nan, because hers is apparently a three-person bed. [Ariel says: I actually can't imagine a lot of non-violent punishments that are more distressing. It would be bad enough to be watched really closely by these people, but then to be forced to share a bed with not one but two of them is just plain cruel!]

Pamela commits another major sin of every present-day romance that has followed it: have the female lead constantly describe how attractive the male character is, even when she doesn’t even like him.

To be sure he is a handsome fine gentleman! What a pity his heart is not as good as his appearance! Why can’t I hate him?

Because thinking someone is really hot is the first step towards no longer thinking they’re a total asshole. (In case you forgot, this is exactly how Bared to You started.)

Mrs. Jewkes accidentally leaves out a letter from the Master because Mrs. Jewkes is really bad at her job when the plot needs her to be. He writes that he has to leave town for a day, and in his absence, Mrs. Jewkes and Pamela finally agree on something.

“We have nothing to do, but to eat our suppers betimes, and go to bed.” [Mrs. Jewkes said.]
“Ay, that’s pure,” said I.

Hint: They agree that they’re both super boring. [Ariel says: I also think like Pamela's word choice here. "Ay, that's pure" is going to quickly become a staple of my vocabulary.] 

Which in Pamela-speak would be, “This is how I want to spend my entire life!”

Day 41

A few days later, Pamela writes of unspeakable horrors that happened on Sunday night. Meanwhile, Samuel Richardson does not understand how suspense works.

Mrs. Jewkes and I went up to go to bed [...] We locked both doors, and saw poor Nan, and I thought, (but, oh! ’twas my abominable master, as you shall hear by and by,) sitting fast asleep, in an elbow-chair, in a dark corner of the room, with apron thrown over her head and neck.

This is probably too stupid to bother writing out why this is bad writing, so I’m just going to jump right into our favorite blog game: but what if other books were written this way?

• “This is Scabbers,” Rob said, gesturing to his pet rat (but, oh! ’twas the man who betrayed Harry’s parents to Voldemort, as you shall hear by and by). “Pathetic, isn’t he?”
• “I see dead people,” Cole said to Dr. Malcolm Crowe (but, oh! the Doctor was also dead the whole time, as you shall hear by and by).
• “My name is Tyler Durden,” Tyler said, (but, oh! ’twas a manifestation of my own split personality, as you shall hear by and by).

Writing this bad doesn’t just ruin twists, but basically storytelling in general.

• “I know lots of great games!” Said the Cat in the Hat (but, oh! ’twere actually very irresponsible games, as you shall hear by and by)
• “I am Aslan,” said the Lion (but, oh! ’twas a Christ figure, as you shall hear by and by)

[Ariel says: "I'm just regular old Norman Bates," said the seemingly sane man (but, oh! 'twas a psychotic killer with a split personality. His mother's personality. As you would hear by and by if you managed to stay alive.)]

But before we learn why the Master is wearing a dress – which is actually what is happening in this real book right now – Pamela has something to say.

“I am thinking, Mrs. Jewkes,” answered I, “What a sad life I live, and how hard is my lot.”

Not that I don’t agree with her, but this again??? Pamela goes on (another) rant about her (only slightly developed) situation, making (the same) legitimate points about how unfair her treatment (still) is and how insulting and selfish the Master (still) is (still). Is there something to be said for how we already know that the Master is hearing all of this, so the reader is at least enjoying some dramatic irony? Probably, but that doesn’t mean that this dramatic irony isn’t totally stupid.

The pretended Nan (O wicked, base, villainous designer! What a plot, what an unexpected plot was this!)

Not if you keep telling us! [Ariel says: No, but seriously, it was so unexpected. What a plot!]

“Wait, nevermind, we’re not so much waiting to see what happens now as we are just ‘waiting’.”

“So, Mrs. Jewkes,” said I, “Here is my history in brief.”

If that were true this book would be over already.

Said [Mrs. Jewkes], “I hope you have no writing tonight. [...] I wonder what you can find to write about so much!”

Word.

Samuel Richards continues to try to foreshadow the twist with the disguised Master, even though he already told us what it is.

I said, “Well, I must go to the two closets, ever since an affair of the closet at the other house, though he is so far off.”

A lot:

“Where are the [door] keys? Though,” said I, “I am not so much afraid tonight.”

This is suspense in the same way seeing a character in a horror movie go into a barn or open a closet is suspense.

With my underclothes in my hand, all undressed; [I] passed by the poor sleeping [Nan]. But, oh! little did I think it was my wicked, wicked master, in a gown and petticoat of hers

And it still hasn’t even happened yet.

Mrs. Jewkes and Nan were both drinking earlier (you can imagine how that went over with Pamela) and they decide to leave Nan passed out drunk in her chair until she comes to bed. Of course, we know it’s not Nan, so we’re not so much thinking about when the Master will sneak into bed with Pamela as we are wondering why he is seriously wearing a nightgown right now. The Master gradually crawls into bed, and it doesn’t take long before the gig is up.

He kissed me with frightful vehemence

Well, why did he have to disguise himself in a women’s nightgown for that? He just does that whenever he feels like it anyway.

his voice broke upon me like a clap of thunder. “Now, Pamela,” said he, “is the dreadful time of reckoning come, that I have threatened. [...] You see now you are in my power! You cannot get away from me, not help yourself”

This novel is commonly found on the syllabi of college English courses because academia believes there is value in its continued study.

The book counters its sexist plot with more sexist plot as Pamela does the only thing a woman could conceivably do in such a situation: faint. When she comes to, the scene has conveniently ended, and now the Master is acting excessively nicely towards Pamela!

He pressed my hand very tenderly, and went out. What a change does this show! O may it be lasting!

Or… something:

“You begin to look well again: I am glad of it. You little slut, how did you frighten me on Sunday night.”

Yes, he really does appear to be a changed man.

The Master promises that he will control “my weakness” better and “will not attempt to force [Pamela] to anything again”. Except, of course, to stay with him until she loves him.

“If you’ll send me out of your way, to my poor parents; that is all I beg.”
“‘Tis a folly to talk of it,” said he. “You must not, shall not go!”

Only three hundred more pages of the exact same thing to go!

The Master makes a deal with Pamela, that if she doesn’t keep talking about escape all the damn time, he’ll give her a little more leniency in her confinement. Pamela agrees, because she is happy to “show obedience to [his] commands [...] which I can do, with innocence”, which is maybe the stupidest reason for doing anything ever. Pamela, I’m starting to think you’re way too into the 18th century class system.

Also, the Master wore a women’s nightgown in order to sneak into Pamela’s bed and that is seriously what happened in this book.

We’re switching gears from vampire young adult fiction to dystopian young adult fiction! You know, what the kids are into these days! So for the next few months, we’re going to read Veronica Roth’s Divergent.

In case you have no idea what we’re talking about, here is a summary:

In Beatrice Prior’s dystopian Chicago world, society is divided into five factions, each dedicated to the cultivation of a particular virtue–Candor (the honest), Abnegation (the selfless), Dauntless (the brave), Amity (the peaceful), and Erudite (the intelligent). On an appointed day of every year, all sixteen-year-olds must select the faction to which they will devote the rest of their lives. For Beatrice, the decision is between staying with her family and being who she really is–she can’t have both. So she makes a choice that surprises everyone [Ariel says: Except for the reader], including herself.

During the highly competitive initiation that follows, Beatrice renames herself Tris and struggles alongside her fellow initiates to live out the choice they have made. Together they must undergo extreme physical tests of endurance and intense psychological simulations, some with devastating consequences. As initiation transforms them all, Tris must determine who her friends really are–and where, exactly, a romance with a sometimes fascinating, sometimes exasperating boy fits into the life she’s chosen. But Tris also has a secret, one she’s kept hidden from everyone because she’s been warned it can mean death. And as she discovers unrest and growing conflict that threaten to unravel her seemingly perfect society, Tris also learns that her secret might help her save the ones she loves . . . or it might destroy her.

Matthew says:

“Bad Books, Good Times is reading Divergent?!” You might say. “Consternation! Uproar!” You might add.

Ariel and I thought about this one for a while, because don’t people sort of actually like Divergent? It at least seems to run with a more respected crowd than Fifty Shades or, to use a more appropriate comparison to the target audience, House of Night or The Host. But just because it isn’t the absolutely lowest-hanging fruit like any of those books are, should we not read it for the blog?

I’d like to argue that we totally can, because, holy shit you guys, Divergent is dumb. Dystopian fiction is really hot in young adult fiction right now, so it’s natural that we’re going to get some weird and lifeless offshoots from that. I can’t imagine that the pitch for Divergent could have been anything other than “It’s like The Hunger Games, but a Meyers-Briggs test.” It’s dumb. It’s not the Worst Thing Ever. But it’s dumb.

I’ve always really liked dystopian fiction and fondly remember reading The Giver, 1984, and even The Hunger Games, because I like the thought-provoking and imaginative ways this genre can distort the civilization we live in now and turn it into the end of civilization. Apparently in Divergent, civilization ends because of too many “Which Mean Girls character are you?” online quizzes. And civilization ends because Tris is (dramatic pause) divergent! Aka, somewhere between Cady and Regina. And maybe a little bit Karen!

And that’s the main concept we’re supposed to buy into. That everyone is exactly a Cady (to keep this metaphor going, I guess) or exactly a Regina, and that this is a perfectly believable premise, and that it’s totally crazy that this one super special person is also a little bit Karen, when, let’s be honest, everybody is a little bit Karen.

This is a very thin concept to structure a a story around, let alone an entire trilogy. You can counter-argue that the point of Divergent is that such a society doesn’t actually work, and it shows how conformity doesn’t work. But there’s a lot of problems with how it does this, both in terms of contradictory story mechanics and terms of the message it actually arrives at. I strongly encourage everyone to read Linda Holmes’s NPR piece, “Not So ‘Divergent’: The Cookie-Cutter Nonconformist“, because 1) I sent it to Ariel and that was when we decided, “Yeah, this says exactly why we want to do this book,” and 2) I will never miss an opportunity to brag about how I know Linda Holmes.

I saw the recent film adaptation and I’m eager to see if the book is just as stupid, because even if it’s better written than most of the books we read, a well-written story about utter nonsense is still a story about utter nonsense. And maybe you’re also curious about Divergent and haven’t read it either, and that’s why Bad Books, Good Times is reading Divergent: so you don’t have to.

Ariel says:

It took so much deliberation for me to be convinced that Divergent has a home here because I had a good time reading it. You know, like a regular good time, not a Bad Books, Good Times situation. But I did write a lot of jokes as I was reading, and I did have this desire to make these jokes to other people. And once Matt sent me the article he linked to above, I was like YES, we can definitely do this book.

Weirdly enough, the reason I’m excited to write about Divergent is precisely because I enjoyed it. I didn’t think Divergent was anything special (it was no Hunger Games to me), but I read it in like one afternoon, and I found Tris to be more interesting than any of our other leading ladies. In fact, the Casts could learn a thing or two about intentionally writing a character who is sometimes unlikeable while still making her interesting and sympathetic.

There are so many things both good and ridiculous that I want to discuss about Divergent on here, and I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to be able to be able to praise and poke fun at a book. The writing doesn’t make me want to bash my head against a wall, but I also need to just point out the fact that most of the characters in this story act “divergent”, but Tris will be like, “I didn’t know if I wanted to eat the potato or the beef, I AM DIVERGENT AS FUCK.” Seriously, that’s not too far off what actually happens in the story.

I don’t want any fans of Divergent coming here and bitching at us for hating on this book or what have you because I didn’t hate it. Fans of Fifty Shade, House of Night, Crossfire, etc can still come and whine about that because that would be accurate.

That being said, and to echo what Matt said above, the plot is just inherently ridiculous. Sure, everyone in the different factions are meant to act in certain ways which reflect their culture. Erudite reads all the time and Candors constantly say what they really think (allegedly). But this seems to only last for about one chapter of the book, and then everyone we meet basically is a regular person who might be more blunt than others because Candor! Or they held the door open for everyone because Abnegation! But it becomes clear really quickly that it is really fucking impossible for behaviour not to overlap between factions or that you can interpret the same action in about 300 different ways. If a Dauntless jumps in front of a bullet to save someone else’s life is it brave (Dauntless) or selfless (Abnegation)? IS EVERYONE REALLY DIVERGENT AS FUCK?? Sorry to spoil it, but obviously. It is obviously being human.

I’ve been waiting for this moment for ages you guys! The moment I don’t have to write a “previously on” opening to remind you of the shitty ongoings of previous, and often forgettable, chapters! Also, Divergent. 

It’s important I note that even though Beatrice doesn’t start going by Tris until a few chapters in, I’m just going to refer to her as Tris because I’m writing this blog post and that’s that. [Matthew says: And I did the opposite, because we're professionals over here.]

Chapter 1

The very first paragraph marks my endless confusion about what the fuck is up with Tris’ faction Abnegation. If that sounded like garbled nonsense to you, please bear with us because Tris doesn’t clear up the whole factions issue for chapters. [Matthew says: I know "chapters" doesn't sound like a lot, but that's a lot of time to read a book without understanding the only thing anyone ever talks about in it. The very first paragraph also marks my endless confusion about what is up with FACTIONS.]

“There is one mirror in my house. It is behind a sliding panel in the hallway upstairs. Our faction allows me to stand in front of it on the second day of every third month, the day my mother cuts my hair.”

Since my initial read through of this book, my feelings about this have not changed. Despite the fact that this won’t become clear until a little later, the faction of Abnegation is all about being selfless and never thinking about yourself. If this sounds like the most tedious and painful existence, that’s exactly how it seems in the book.

Anyway, only being able to look at yourself in a mirror “on the second day of every third month” (which…what? Do they mark their calendars with “June 2: It’s hair cutting day!!!”) just doesn’t make sense. [Matthew says: It's probably more like "It's hair cutting day :( "] If they want to limit the time they’re allowed to spend in front of a mirror, fine, but what if you have something caught in between your teeth? It’s not selfish of you to want to get something out of your teeth – in fact, if we’re going to get really picky about it, you’re probably going to gross out people around you if you don’t get it. You may ruin their day.

We utilize this time in front of the mirror for the tried and true trope of the narrator describing what they see in the mirror.

A lot can happen to a person’s appearance in three months. In my reflection, I see a narrow face, wide, round eyes, and a long, thin nose—I still look like a little girl, though sometime in the last few months I turned sixteen. The other factions celebrate birthdays, but we don’t. It would be self-indulgent.

If Abnegation did celebrate birthdays, I imagine their cake would just be a cement block with “Happy birthday” written on it sadly. Abnegation is the Eeyore of the factions.

THAT IS SO SELFISH OF YOU, EEYORE!

[Matthew says: Between the "narrator describes what they see in the mirror" trope and the "confusion over who she really is" trope, I'm amazed Ariel didn't go with this gif.]

Tris’ mom asks her if she’s nervous about the upcoming plot.

Today is the day of the aptitude test that will show me which of the five factions I belong in. And tomorrow, at the Choosing Ceremony, I will decide on a faction; I will decide the rest of my life; I will decide to stay with my family or abandon them.

Rule 1 of dystopian YA fiction: There must be a mysterious ceremony that sets off a chain of dramatic events for the protagonist.

We walk together to the kitchen. On these mornings when my brother makes breakfast, and my father’s hand skims my hair as he reads the newspaper, and my mother hums as she clears the table—it is on these mornings that I feel guiltiest for wanting to leave them.

In short, Abnegation is so boring that the only time Tris feels bad about wanting to leave them is on a semi-pleasantly boring morning.

After the most dull breakfast in the world, Tris and her brother Caleb head to school. Their bus ride is the perfect opportunity to introduce the faction Candor.

The Candor man wears a black suit with a white tie—Candor standard uniform. Their faction values honesty and sees the truth as black and white, so that is what they wear.

This is the moment where I knew this was definitely YA geared towards high school students who feel like they don’t belong to a clique. “I don’t dress like goths or preps or burnouts – WHO AM I??”

I guess Veronica Roth just didn’t know where to sit in the high school cafeteria, thus, Divergent was born.

Tris mentions that they pass by a building “that was once called the Sears Tower,” alerting to the fact that she is in Chicago, and there is a 50/50 chance she’ll run into Matthew’s family. [Matthew says: Possibly! It's already the building that was once called the Sears Tower TODAY.]  I’m not sure what faction they’re in because they are too divergent for me to decide. [Matthew says: There are also already factions in Chicago that you're born into and you could disgrace your family if you decide to leave one for the other! Although there are only two, and they're Cubs fans and White Sox fans.]

She also mentions that only Dauntless ever ride trains, and I only mention this because it is the first of one million times this will come up. You’ve been warned.

At school, we learn that kids from all factions go to school together until they’re 16 and choose their factions, then they’re faction-schooled. We also continue to learn that everyone really hates Abnegation.

Then an Erudite boy in a blue sweater shoves me. I lose my balance and fall hard on the ground.
“Out of my way, Stiff,” he snaps, and continues down the hallway.

My cheeks warm. I get up and dust myself off. A few people stopped when I fell, but none of them offered to help me. Their eyes follow me to the edge of the hallway. This sort of thing has been happening to others in my faction for months now—the Erudite have been releasing antagonistic reports about Abnegation, and it has begun to affect the way we relate at school. The gray clothes, the plain hairstyle, and the unassuming demeanor of my faction are supposed to make it easier for me to forget myself, and easier for everyone else to forget me too. But now they make me a target.

Also ahead, the second mention of the Dauntless and fucking trains.

At exactly 7:25, the Dauntless prove their bravery by jumping from a moving train.

To answer your question, no that never stops being stupid, and to answer your follow up question, no they never stop doing this and it never stops being mentioned. [Matthew says: In case you're confused about this, Chicago's "subway" is actually above ground, on elevated rails about a story or so up! You guys are learning more about Chicago than you are about the basic premise of Divergent so far.]

My father calls the Dauntless “hellions.” They are pierced, tattooed, and black-clothed.

They are lazy depictions of what being “cool” and “alternative” look like. Did I mention that the owner of Hot Topic was also the founder of Dauntless? It was a really big boost for business.

Their primary purpose is to guard the fence that surrounds our city. From what, I don’t know.

This is never answered in this book, so don’t hold your breath. I’m assuming it’ll be addressed later on, but I’ve only just started the second book. I’m really hoping it’s zombies. Let’s just chuck as many popular tropes into this story as we possibly can. [Matthew says: This isn't mentioned for another few chapters, but Tris explains that all of their food is canned now, and comes from far away. Except... nobody leaves the city? Because there's a fence around it, protecting them from things far away? Can someone explain this to me? I'm more confused about how they get food in this book than anything else so far.]

Chapter 2

[Matthew says: In case you're not sure how selfless Abnegation is yet, you're goddamned going to:

[Our neighbor] offered to drive us [to school], but as Caleb says, we prefer to leave later and would not want to inconvenience him.
Of course not.

They’re so selfless they somehow cycled right back around to actually kinda selfish somehow.]

Tris observes the other factions before the aptitude test.

At the Abnegation table, we sit quietly and wait. Faction customs dictate even idle behavior and supersede individual preference. I doubt all the Erudite want to study all the time, or that every Candor enjoys a lively debate, but they can’t defy the norms of their factions any more than I can.

Imagine how hard it would be to be Candor on a day you’re feeling tired and just aren’t in the mood for a “lively debate”. Or if you agree on a topic, God forbid. Come on, Jimmy, you’re not lively debating hard enough over there, what kind of Candor do you think you are, boy? [Matthew says: Wait, if Candor see the truth in absolute terms, what do they debate about? Like... ever?]

A Dauntless woman named Tori conducts Tris’ aptitude test. Essentially Tris lays down in a chair and has electrodes attached to her forehead which allows Tori to see what’s going on. Somehow science has progressed enough in this book that you can see what’s going on in people’s brains. Guess it’s about that time to whip out all a whole assortment of our handy science gifs.

WITH BONUS JESSE VIDEO INSTEAD OF GIF!!!

Anywho, the aptitude test consists of a few different scenarios in which Tris must make Decisions which determine what faction she belongs in.

1. Tris is in her school cafeteria.

On the table in front of me are two baskets. In one is a hunk of cheese, and in the other, a knife the length of my forearm.

Behind me, a woman’s voice says, “Choose.”

Step one of deciding the rest of your life = choosing between a knife and cheese. My very first note in this book: BUT HOW WILL YOU CUT THE CHEESE WITHOUT THE KNIFE? IT JUST DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.

Oh how naive I was.

Tris doesn’t choose either the cheese or the knife because she is divergent as fuck and apparently doesn’t love cheese as much as most other humans. If you weren’t convinced of her divergent-ness before, I hope you can appreciate it now. [Matthew says: This is like the beginning of Kingdom Hearts, where you have to choose a sword, shield, or magic staff. Except this makes no sense, because it's a knife and a piece of fucking cheese.]

2. But UH OH Tris needed the cheese or the knife in order to fend off a rabid dog because Stephen King suddenly took over the wheel of this book.

I understand that Cujo is meant to be terrifying, but I still think he’s adorable. And he used to be a gentle dog before the rabies :(

Tris thinks on her feet and acts submissive, and just like that the dog is like “Aw I love you!”

3. BUT UH OH AGAIN a little girl shows up out of nowhere.

I blink, and when my eyes open, a child stands across the room wearing a white dress. She stretches out both hands and squeals, “Puppy!”

No, little girl! Disappear back into the thin air from whence you came while you still can!

As she runs toward the dog at my side, I open my mouth to warn her, but I am too late. The dog turns. Instead of growling, it barks and snarls and snaps, and its muscles bunch up like coiled wire. About to pounce. I don’t think, I just jump; I hurl my body on top of the dog, wrapping my arms around its thick neck.

4. Tris is suddenly on a bus and a man reading a newspaper with the headline “Brutal Murderer Finally Apprehended” keeps getting in her face demanding to know if she knows this guy.

[Matthew says: This is about when I stopped taking this book seriously. It's all well and good to have a symbolism-heavy scene like this, and it's an understandable enough storytelling sin to get carried away and make the symbolism too intangible to really make much sense, but I'm less willing to forgive a scene told entirely in symbolism before we get any context for what it even could symbolize. We've yet to get an explanation of the strange new world the book is set in, but we're already supposed to understand it metaphorically through this acid trip of dogs and knives and strangers reading newspapers and cheese. This would be like if, instead of Hagrid saying "Yer a wizard, Harry," Harry instead had a hallucination on his eleventh birthday about salmon, a mop, the ancient Aztecs, and pretzel buns. Are these completely arbitrary items that could mean anything? SO IS CHEESE.]

Tris looks at the picture and thinks the guy looks familiar, but she keeps telling the man she doesn’t recognise him even though she feels like she’s lying. How this is supposed to determine what one characteristic people are meant to embody for the rest of their life is beyond me.

The man freaks the fuck out like most insane people you’re unlucky enough to meet on public transportation:

“If you know him,” he says in a low voice, “you could save me. You could save me!”

I narrow my eyes. “Well,” I say. I set my jaw. “I don’t.”

Obviously, this is meant to signify that Tris isn’t selfless enough for Abnegation because she doesn’t care that she could save this random crazy dude on a train. [Matthew says: If only it was ever explained what any of the alternatives are!] Because how you choose to act in one moment signifies every action you’re going to ever take. And also each action you take can only mean one thing and one thing only! [Matthew says: Not taking the cheese only ever means you're not Abnegation. It never means you're lactose intolerant.]

Important question: Would you have chosen the cheese, the knife, or being divergent as fuck and chosen neither?

If you’re a Doctor Who fan (and even if you aren’t, because fucking Doctor Who fans), you might be aware that the scripts for the first five episodes of the next season (or series, if you’re English) have leaked. This is a bigger deal than it usually is, because the next season is extra highly-anticipated for being the first that will star Peter Capaldi as the new, twelfth Doctor. If you have no idea what I’m talking about by this point, this post probably isn’t for you.

Even if you do know what I’m talking about, this post might still not be for you. Because I read the leaked script of the first episode, and I’d like to talk about it quite frankly. Usually I’m a very anti-spoiler sort of person. I hate ruining surprises for myself, and I like the anticipation. So why did I break this habit and read the leaked scripts ahead of time?

Because, as of late, Doctor Who has been garbage.

I’m one of the few people who actually liked the sixth season, and I will still defend it to this day. But I quickly stopped caring during the seventh season. Quite a lot happened during the seventh season. Story-wise, the eleventh Doctor’s long-term companions Amy and Rory were written out halfway through the season, and replaced with the blander, yet identical, Clara Oswald. Behind the scenes, head writer Steven Moffat continued his power-crazy dive into utter wank. Buoyed by the success of his earlier work with Doctor Who and the smash hit Sherlock (which was also completely ruined in its most recent season), Moffat seemed to get full of himself. Plots became more and more complicated and eventually stopped even remotely making any logical sense.

Much, much worse, Doctor Who got more and more sexist and became a sad male power fantasy. Every single female character, without fail, was a spunky, sexy, snarky woman mindlessly doting over the Doctor, who developed a tendency to brood over his repressed feelings in self-imposed isolation. The types got old fast, and by the time we got to the Eleventh Doctor’s final episode, we had an episode that changed its narrative every ten minutes and stuck the Doctor on a random planet in self-imposed isolation for centuries to showcase the great, unparalleled capacity of male sadness.

It was, as I somewhat colorfully described the episode to a friend, the televisual equivalent of Steven Moffat jizzing into a cup.

While the BBC has been freaking out over the leaked scripts, begging fans not to spoil the new episodes for themselves or for other fans, I immediately sought them out to see if they would confirm my fears that the show would remain this clusterfuck of nonsensical storytelling and misogynist drivel. I mean, hey, I’d rather waste half an hour reading something shitty on the internet than watch a full hour-plus episode of it. So I read it. And now I have thoughts. And that being said…

This Post Contains Spoilers

Spoilers about this!

I’ll do my best to keep spoilers to a minimum and only discuss matters concerning my criticisms as described above, but if you do not want to learn details about the upcoming Doctor Who episodes, do not continue reading. Because we’re going to talk about this:

I could write a whole other essay on how much I hate River Song.

And this:

If reading the episode title has already made you feel guilty/upset, you should probably not read this post.

Seriously, It’s Spoiler-Town After This Point

Everyone here still sure they want to do this? Sweet. Let’s go.

Is The Story So Complicated That It Stops Making Logical Sense?

So this is just based on the first episode, and it’s not like Moffat can’t still pull out a single good episode from time to time (thank god the 50th anniversary episode was watchable), but IT MADE SENSE. Let’s compare:

Plot of Eleventh Doctor’s Last Episode

1. The Doctor is going to Clara’s for Christmas (why not)
2. The Doctor is investigating a planet surrounded by warships
3. The Doctor goes to a… space warrior church?
4. The Doctor defends a town where it is Christmas every day (why not) for actual centuries
5. This also happens because the entire Time Lord race which was placed in a pocket universe for safe keeping in a previous episode is coming back on the Christmas planet surrounded by every Doctor Who monster ever and also the space warrior church which I guess is still doing something?
6. The Doctor accepts the stalemate and spends actual centuries defending Christmas planet
7. Then he dies
8. But he dies for good because he’s on his last life
9. But then he’s not
10. The Doctor shoots magic rays of light out of his arms to destroy the warships surrounding the planet (WHY NOT)
11. I have no fucking clue what happened to space warrior church

Plot of Twelfth Doctor’s First Episode

1. The Doctor and Clara return to London with a dinosaur (on accident)
2. There is a mysterious figure going around stealing people’s body parts
3. The Doctor and Clara investigate what’s going on and resolve the problem

Holy shit! See how easy that was? You can follow that shit, because it makes sense! There is focus and direction and it doesn’t sound like the writer never actually settled on an idea.

But How Are The Subplots?

Okay, well, they do bog it down.

Once again there is entirely too much time devoted to establishing “a darker doctor”. Like the last season. And the season before that. Is Steven Moffat just continually forgetting that every season he’s touting a new, darker side of the Doctor? Is there an admission in there somewhere that it keeps failing?

Series 7 was especially bad for this, because it didn’t properly contextualize anything that was going on, like one day the Doctor just woke up and decided, “Fuck it. I’m gonna murder some bitches.” It’s done a little better here (albeit again, like we’re supposed to think it’s new or something), mostly framed through Clara’s unfamiliarity with the new Doctor and through some genuine ambiguity in other instances.

But once again, there’s this lingering element of sad male power fantasy. The Doctor sort of just disappears for a while (because of regeneration troubles), leaving Clara (and Vastra and Jenny, there to bring up the spunky, sexy, snarky Moffat-woman count up to three) behind to… wait for a man to do things. There’s this weirdly lengthy-feeling scene where the three of them just sort of go through normal life doing nothing but wait for the Doctor to show up again. Thankfully, it’s not for centuries this time, but it’s a little annoying we have to keep going through this same song and dance.

In an interesting way, this actually feels reminiscent of the Ninth Doctor’s tenure, where the emotional center of the show was really centered in his human companion by means of playing the audience surrogate rather than, you know, witty eye candy. I have no idea if it will actually translate like that from the page to the actual episode, but it would be an improvement to see Clara make the audience feel things because of Clara, rather than because of what Clara does for the Doctor.

So Let’s Talk About Clara And Misogyny Now

It’s not really a spoiler to say that Clara is still the worst part of the show, is it? Because, I mean… Clara.

To clarify, this is not a criticism against Jenna Coleman, but against the character that Steven Moffat continues to incompetently write. Like I was worried about, an absolutely painful part of the episode (especially in the first half) is dedicated to Clara’s feelings towards the Doctor, now complicated by the fact that he’s suddenly an old man.

Clara: You said, ‘renewed.’ He doesn’t look renewed. He looks… older.
Vastra: You thought he was young?
Clara: He looked young.
Vastra: He looked like your dashing young gentleman friend. Your lover, even.
Clara: Shut up!

And it’s worse, because they’ve sort of retconned the Doctor to have been in on it.

The Doctor: I have made many mistakes, and it’s about time I did something about that. Starting right now. Clara, I am not your boyfriend.
Clara: I never thought you were.
The Doctor: I never said it was your mistake.

Hopefully this means that we’re done with this forever now, because OH MY GOD THIS IS PAINFUL

Other Various Misogyny, Because Steven Moffat

Once again, female characters cannot exist if they don’t flirt with the Doctor at least once:

The Doctor: You want to psychic link with me? The size of my brain… it would be like dropping a piano on you.
Vastra: Be gentle, then.

And remember all that controversy over the nudity jokes from Matt Smith’s final episode? Where the Doctor was “accidentally” naked in front of Clara’s family, which was just stupid, but then actually managed to get offensive with another nudity joke later when the Doctor didn’t tell Clara he was projecting her appearance into the church (long story) as nude. It was a stupid joke, certainly (Clara looked like she was wearing clothes and thought she was, when to everyone around her, she looked naked! What humorous juxtaposition!), made even worse by the non-consensual nature of it, stripping Clara of her agency.

The reason why I bring this all up again is because Steven Moffat chose a really weird thing to stick to his guns to.

Clara: What are you looking at?
Strax: Your subconscious. [...] A lot of muscular young men doing sport. [...] It could be sport.
Clara: Well, stop looking.
[...]
Strax: Oh, you’re going to do quite well. [...] Put your clothes back on.
Clara: They are on.

I feel like I remember reading another uncomfortable nudity joke later on in the script, but I don’t feel like looking for it again.

Okay, Well, It Doesn’t Do Anything REALLY Stupid, Like, Mention Handles Or Some Shit

It does.

Are You Fucking Serious

I am.

The Doctor: (To Clara) I remember you! You’re Handles! You used to be a little… a little robot head, and now…

Sure, it’s not the worst callback. But Handles was the worst.

…Please Explain Half a Year After The Fact Why You Hated Handles So Much, Matthew

Remember that time (Waters of Mars) the Tenth Doctor said this?

GADGET: Gadget gadget.
DOCTOR: Does it have to keep saying that?
ROMAN: I think it’s funny.
DOCTOR: I hate funny robots.

And then remember that time (Day of the Doctor) the Eleventh Doctor said this?

HANDLES: Attention. Emergency. Attention.
DOCTOR: Handles, what is it? What’s wrong?
HANDLES: Urgent action required. You must patch the telephone device back through the console unit.
(Handles’ lights go out.)
DOCTOR: Come back. Handles?

I’m just saying, we went from “ugh, funny robots?” to “HANDLES WAS MUH BEST FREND. THIS IS A SCENE WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE SAD ABOUT.”

Got That Out Of Your System?

Yes. Sorry.

…So How’s The New Doctor?

Ah! Well, that’s the real wild card in all of this, because the one thing the leaked scripts can’t tell us is the one thing we really want to know: how’s Peter Capaldi’s Doctor?

Based on the dialogue, at least, I think we’re looking at a cross between the Eleventh Doctor and the Ninth Doctor. He’s got a similar sort of scatterbrained insanity to the Eleventh (Moffat’s still writing, after all), but a weird disdain for humanity akin to the Ninth. And he was absolutely my favorite part of the script:

The Doctor: Oh, that’s Scots… I’m Scot’s… I’ve gone a bit Scottish, haven’t I?
(A fragment of a newspaper – we can see the headline: “Fourth case of spontaneous combustion.”)
[Minor Character]: What devilry is this, sir?
The Doctor: I don’t know. But I probably blame the English.

Although I took no notes on this and I’m struggling to remember what my favorite jokes were from him, but I do recall I was really enjoying the new Doctor’s lines, and it reminded me why I even liked this show at all: it’s fun.

Clara: Hang on, she called the police? We never do that, we should start.
The Doctor: (To the villain) You see? Destroy us if you will, they’re still going to close your restaurant. (A beat) That was going to sound better.

He probably won’t come entirely to life as his own Doctor (I couldn’t begin to compare 9, 10, and 11, but I’m seeing threads of them in 12) until we actually see the episode, but it does have me rather excited to see it.

Overall Impressions

Based on the script for the first episode, the new Doctor Who seems like an improvement over its most recent season. It’s still got a lot of the increasingly usual problematic Moffat bullshit, and that could just as quickly bring it back the show back down to its inane, worthless lows. I’m not even entirely optimistic this won’t happen, given how bad Moffat’s other shows (Sherlock) have gotten, and that he can turn around a good episode (“Day of the Doctor”) even amidst his worst spells of offensive, nonsensical drivel.

But reading the script, I was actually excited, and that’s more than I could say of how I’ve felt while experiencing most of the show’s most recent episodes. It’s not 100% promising, but it’s better than I was expecting.

So Wanna Talk About The Big Emotional Surprise?

Guys, this is like a super spoiler. I really wanna freak out about the ending of the first episode, but I also want you to really think about if you want to ruin this for yourselves.

Seriously, This Is On A Whole Other Level Of Spoilers After This Point

Okay Crazy Spoiler Times Over Here

The episode ends with a huge surprise I would never have expected coming. The Eleventh Doctor.

No, seriously.

(Clara pulls out her phone)
Clara: Hello? Hello…
(A familiar voice.)
The Eleventh Doctor: (Off Screen) … it’s me.

The previous Doctor calls the companion to assure them that the new Doctor still needs them. This has never been done before.

(Clara glances round – to see the Twelfth Doctor, leaning out of his TARDIS. The Eleventh Doctor hears the other voice.)
The Eleventh Doctor (OS): Is that the Doctor?
The Twelfth Doctor: Is that the Doctor?

You could argue that this really cheapens the transition from one to the other, if you immediately bring back what what just replaced when you’re telling the audience to get ready for change. Personally, the Eleventh Doctor’s last episode was such a mishandled, shoddy, insultingly bad farewell for Matt Smith, I love seeing the opportunity for him to get one last goodbye.

Even if it is for Clara, because, ugh, Clara.

Yesterday we started our new reading of the faction system dystopia YA craze that is Veronica Roth’s Divergent, which began with not actually getting an explanation for what the faction system is. [Ariel says: I feel almost bad that I explained what Abnegation was, but I had no choice. The jokes, Matt, the jokes.]

Chapter 3

Beatrice awakes from her personality test, and the administrator says what everyone is thinking.

“That,” she says, “was perplexing.”

Noooooo. You mean the test where she had to pick between two unrelated objects and then talk to stranger on a bus didn’t determine which incredibly specific personality trait is the one and only aspect of Beatrice’s personality?

The administrator leaves the room for a moment to process the results. Beatrice nervously ponders what will happen if she failed the test (can you pass the cheese-knife test?) [Ariel says: Yes. By choosing the cheese, because cheese.], and if she would have to live on the streets with the factionless (we haven’t even learned what the factions are yet and we’re already learning what the alternative is). Thankfully, Tori returns to the room to… explain?

“If you had shown an automatic distaste for the knife and selected the cheese, the simulation would have led you to a different scenario that confirmed your aptitude for Amity.”

Yes, the only thing that could have meant. Not that she was hungry, but that she’s Amity. Whatever the fuck Amity is. We haven’t been told yet. [Ariel says: They are very nice and peaceful. Sorry spoilers, but I don't understand why it would have automatically taken her to an Amity scenario and not Abnegation? They don't seem like they would go for a knife either?] And how is selecting cheese more telling than selecting the knife? Anyone can like cheese. Only Dauntless would seem to have any inclination towards violence, since they’re, you know, the soldier faction.

“Normally, the simulation progresses in a linear fashion, isolating one faction by ruling out the rest. The choices you made didn’t even allow Candor, the next possibility, to be ruled out, so I had to alter the simulation to put you on the bus. And there your insistence upon dishonesty ruled out Candor.

[...]

“You threw yourself on the dog rather than let it attack the little girl, which is an Abnegation-oriented response… but on the other, when the man told you that the truth would save him, you still refused to tell it. Not an Abnegation-oriented response.” She sighs. “Not running from the dog suggests Dauntless, but so does taking the knife, which you didn’t do. [...] Your intelligent response to the dog indicates strong alignment with the Erudite.”

Maybe the fact that you can’t interpret these test results show that it’s a really stupid test. Most of these things could be interpreted in any direction for any arbitrary reason! If not running away from the dog is a Dauntless response, then what the hell is an Erudite supposed to do to get to the Erudite response? They can’t take the cheese! ONLY AMITY LIKES CHEESE. [Ariel says: I seriously wish that Amity's defining characteristic wasn't how nice they are but that they are massive cheese fans. Whatever, that's what they are in my mind now.]

“you display equal aptitude for Abnegation, Dauntless, and Erudite. People who get this kind of result are…” She looks over her shoulder [...] “Divergent.”

Suddenly, things get even more serious than Amity’s love for cheese:

“Beatrice,” she says, “under no circumstances should you share that information with anyone. [...] Divergence is extremely dangerous. You understand?”

I don’t understand.

Oh thank god we finally have a main character in one of these books who tells it like it is. [Ariel says: Tris for the win!]

Tori imparts the importance of keeping her divergence secret and tells her to go home early. Beatrice reminds us how pointless all of this is.

It’s my choice now, no matter what the test says.

Keep this in mind, that (even though this would seemingly make them divergent, but we’ll just ignore that) the test only recommends what a person’s one true only-character-trait/faction is, it’s ultimately their choice what faction they are. So a faction has seemingly been established as a social order that humanity buys into, which becomes important later when this sort of contradicts the mechanics of the climax. (No spoilers in the comments, please. Let’s get there first.)

Renovation moves slowly through the city.

Probably because none of your factions are workers.

Most of the new buildings are next to the marsh, which used to be a lake a long time ago.

I will say one thing I really liked about the Divergent movie: I grew up in the Chicago suburbs, so I thought it was really cool how they visually imagined a post-apocalyptic Chicago.

Although I am uncertain if “it turned a cherished place from my childhood and adolescence into a devastated wasteland” universally counts as “cool factor”.

Chapter 4

Beatrice returns to Abnegation-land, and really tries to make sure we get what their deal is.

Everything – our houses, our clothes, our hairstyles – is meant to help us forget ourselves and to protect us from vanity, greed, and envy, which are just forms of selfishness. If we have little, and want for little, and we are all equal, we envy no one.

I try to love it.

And from that we get that she’s… teenaged. [Ariel says: I don't know Matt, most teenagers don't try to love anything they're supposed to let alone anything as fucking shitty as Abnegation, which is the worst.]

YOU DON’T UNDERSTAAAAAND.

Caleb and their friends Susan and Robert arrive back home. Susan and Caleb flirt reservedly and awkwardly, and Beatrice and Robert share a knowing glance about the nature of Abnegation 16-year-olds trying to flirt, although I’m pretty sure this can be simplified to “16-year-olds trying to flirt”.

Caleb tries to ask Beatrice why she’s home early, but neither of them want to break the rules and talk about what happened during their tests. During family dinner, Beatrice continues to remind us that being a teenager is super hard.

Other people see [my father] as an opinionated man [...] but he’s also loving. I try to see only the good in him; I try.

[Ariel says: Again, I have to defend this because I always got the sense it was more of a genuine feeling of not fitting in where you're supposed to and feeling out of place even in your own family. To me it doesn't read like typical teenage angst, Tris isn't really like that at all throughout the book. It seems more like a legitimate problem of growing up in a family where you don't quite agree with the religious values that have been imposed on you, but you try really hard to be what your family wants you to be. It's not like "OMG my parents won't let me go to partiez it's so hard being in Abnegation :((" ] 

The parents discuss the rumor that there was a problem with one of the tests, and how unusual that is. Her father admits that he’s being bothered by a tough day at work, and Beatrice offers us some context.

Not the context of “what are the fucking factions, already?”, of course.

Marcus is my father’s coworker; they are both political leaders. The city is ruled by a council of fifty people, composed entirely of representatives from Abnegation

Well, that’s the opposite of what “representation” means, then…

because our faction is regarded as incorruptible, due to our commitment to selflessness.

What about the fucking truth-telling faction, then?! That seems pretty much like the definition of incorruptible!

Her father explains that Jeanine Matthews, the one Erudite representative (who I guess isn’t on the council since we were already explicitly told that’s 100% Abnegation people, so I guess she represents them in some other governing body?), filed a report against Marcus, that his “violence and cruelty towards his son is the reason his son chose Dauntless instead of Abnegation”. [Ariel says: My note in the book from my first reading is "I bet this guy is going to be Super Important to the plot. I WAS CORRECT. Just had to brag.] Her father is clear to voice his opinion that the son’s act of leaving Abnegation was “betrayal”, and mentions that “The Erudite have been attacking us with these reports for months”, in whatever governing body they operate in that we already know doesn’t actually rule over anyone. This is apparently still important, though.

“Valuing knowledge above all else results in a lust for power, and that leads men into dark and empty places. We should be thankful that we know better.”

So it’s pretty obvious by this point that the intellectual faction is the novel’s villain, because I guess it’s impossible to enjoy reading Popular Science without wanting to be evil incarnate.

How Liking Cheese Is Mutually Exclusive With Being Brave, Selfless, And Even The Ability To Tell The Truth!

I nod. I know I will not choose Erudite, even though my test results suggested that I could. I am my father’s daughter.

Oh my god, Beatrice. We get it. You’re divergent. [Ariel says: You're my girl in this book, Tris, but I will never stop making divergent as fuck jokes about you.]

After dinner – during which Beatrice totally gets in trouble for speaking out of turn because she’s… divergent – her brother, the model Abnegation citizen, gives hear some surprising advice:

“Beatrice,” he says, looking sternly into my eyes. “We should think of our family. There is an edge to his voice. “But. But we must also think of ourselves.”

Whaaaat! Is Caleb not really Abnegation? If only we knew if he liked cheese!

Previously, Eva had a girls night out with some of her bestest, most minor character pals, and then she and Gideon had sex in his secret lair at da club.

Chapter 10 

Now it’s time to have a quiet chapter at home…Or drama. [Matthew says: A chapter without sudden drama apropos of nothing? For a second I thought you had picked up the wrong book.]

A hungover Eva discovers she has a ton of missed calls from her father, mother, and Cary who has chosen to poke his head back into the plot I guess. [Matthew says: Maybe Detective Carey expanded his meticulous search to seeing if the guy he's investigating is on Google+.]

I called my dad back first, trying to swallow a quick drink of coffee before he answered.

“Eva.”

The anxious way my dad said my name told me something was wrong. I sat up straighter. “Dad … Is everything all right?”

“Why didn’t you tell me about Nathan Barker?” His voice was hoarse and filled with pain. Goose bumps swept across my skin.

Oh, fuck. He knew.

Up until this moment, I had completely forgotten that Eva’s dad had been kept in the dark about Nathan’s abuse.  I was not waiting with any sort of anticipation for this ball to drop because I hadn’t even realized it was meant to be a significant ball. In fact, aside from using this as a way to get Eva’s dad into this book, I’m not really sure what the point of him finding out even is.

Eva’s father is understandably distraught:

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me. Or Monica. My God … She should’ve said something. Should’ve told me.” He sucked in a shaky breath. “I had the right to know!”

Sorrow spread through my chest like acid. My dad—a man whose self-control rivaled Gideon’s—sounded like he was crying.

I set my mug on the coffee table, my breathing fast and shallow. Nathan’s sealed juvenile records had broken open upon his death, exposing the horror of my past to anyone who had the knowledge and means to find it. As a cop, my dad had those means.

At least that part of the plot actually does make sense. For one I completely believe that this is something someone in this book had a clear motivation to do. Should we throw a parade or something?

What I don’t remember/quite understand was why no one ever told Eva’s father? I can understand why she never did, but I am completely with him for feeling outraged that Eva’s mother never informed him of what happened. I think maybe it had to do with the fact that he was a cop or shame but I seriously can’t recall. This is the one fricken time when a little backstory-refresher-session would have actually been welcome.

Eva’s father announces that he’s coming to New York ASAP to see her before hanging up. The fact that this storyline is happening makes me wonder if Eva’s father is going to find out that Gideon killed Nathan…and be totally supportive about it. And then Eva will be like, “Oh, well if my father (who also happens to be a cop) approves then it was deff totes the right thing to do. Whew.” [Matthew says: By this point, anything that doesn't result in another contrived "and that's why Gideon and Eva's love was TESTED" thing sounds good to me.]

I understand and believe that in the context of this book, Gideon did what needed to be done, and it was more interesting than if he’d shot Nathan as he was attacking Eva or something. What I find weird is that I think any character in this series who found out would immediately be like, “That’s just wonderful of Gideon!”

A sad Eva goes to find Gideon in his office where he is entangled in some drama of his own. Of the endlessly rehashed variety.

“I appreciate that you thought of me, but no,” he said in a low, firm voice that was different from the one I’d heard him using before. It was gentler, more intimate. “Of course we’re friends. You know why … I can’t give you what you want from me.”

I rounded the corner into his office and saw him at his desk, his head down as he listened.

“Stop,” he said icily. “This isn’t the tack you want to take with me, Corinne.”

Why is Corinne even still in these books when Deanna seems to be the new scorned lover locked in battle with Gideon and Eva? [Matthew says: Day is at the "add more antagonists to each entry!" part of the series. It worked out so well for Spider-Man!] Where even is Deanna? Most likely quietly crafting her slanderous piece about Gideon until the next time she has a chance to phone Eva.

Gideon comforts Eva:

“I’m scared,” I murmured, my legs tangling even tighter with his. He was so strong and solid. I wanted to hang on to him and never let go.

His fingers sifted through my hair. “Of what?”

“Things are already fucked up between my mom and me. If my parents have a falling-out, I don’t want to get stuck in the middle. I know they wouldn’t handle it well—especially my mom. They’re crazy in love with each other.”

“I hadn’t realized that.”

“You didn’t see them together. Major sizzle,” I explained, remembering that Gideon and I had been separated when I learned the sexual chemistry between my parents was still white-hot. “And my dad confessed to still being in love with her. Makes me sad to think about it.”

“If my parents have a falling-out” what else would you call their lack of a relationship for Eva’s entire life? If I’m remembering correctly, they hadn’t even been in a room together for years before the events of Reflected in You. 

Furthermore, the way Eva talks about her parents is still super gross. Applause for consistency? Also not only is it weird that she’s talking about her parents’ sexual chemistry, but I’m pretty sure the basis for this is that they made intense eye contact. MAJOR SIZZLE!

Major sizzle: The only way to describe the sexual tension between one’s parents.

The Webster approved definition.

There’s no way Eva can possibly handle talking to both her parents, yikes!!111!! So Gideon to the rescue:

“Let me handle Monica.”

I blinked at him. “How?”

His lips curled on one side. “I’ll call her and ask how you’re dealing with everything and how you’re doing. Start the process of publicly working my way back to you.”

[...]

“I’ll distract her and get her thinking about something else.” He reached for my hand and touched my ring.

Wedding bells. He didn’t say it, but I got the message. And of course that was what my mother would think. A man in Gideon’s position didn’t come back to a woman through her mother—especially one like Monica Stanton—unless his “intentions” were serious.

I’m sorry, did I accidentally hijack Matt’s Pamela post for the week? What kind of cockamamie nonsense is this? [Matthew says: Oh my god, please! I fucking hate Pamela.]

The sentence “A man in Gideon’s position didn’t come back to a woman through her mother” should have just ended right then and there. We could even rework it to say, “Gideon didn’t come back to a woman through her mother” and I’m sure there would have been a unanimous agreement among us all.

Also, no one seems to give any fucks about Nathan’s death anymore, so why can’t they just drop the charade and get back together publicly without the extra song and dance? And by song and dance I of course am including sex in secret rooms behind mirrors.

Gideon looks after Eva for the rest of the day:

As rough as things were, he was there for me to lean on. It made a lot of the troubles we were facing seem surmountable.

What couldn’t we accomplish, as long as we stayed together?

There was no wrong answer to that poll. Congratulations, everyone!

Gideon and Eva talk about what Corinne wanted on the phone, but Gideon only confirms that she was getting emotional over the phone. So I guess we’ll find out the answer to this intriguing mystery later. [Matthew says: Because Gideon is so well-known for filling Eva in on what's up.]

Because the driving theme of this chapter seems to be telephone conversations, Eva calls Cary to let him know what happened with her father and that he’s coming to New York soon, and then she calls her step-father to get her mom to stop calling even if it means hiding all the phones. Man, treating your mother like a stage 5 clinger, harsh.

He came to me, catching me by the nape. His thumb drew tantalizing circles on the back of my neck. “I need to know you’re okay.”

I nodded. “I’m tired of Nathan running my life. I’m working toward that fresh start.”

I imagined a future in which my mom wasn’t a stalker, my dad was back on solid footing, Cary was happy, Corinne was in another country far away, and Gideon and I weren’t ruled by our pasts.

And I was finally ready to fight for it.

Hasn’t Eva been saying this for the entire series? Hasn’t she been ready for Nathan to stop controlling her life/to fight for her future with Gideon at the end of every chapter?

I was reading on my Kindle and accidentally read two weeks’ worth of Pamela. It was terrible.

Day 42

After the failure of his plot to rape Pamela after sneaking her into bed wearing women’s clothing (still, what???) [Ariel says: It's only just occurred to me that this scene is basically the equivalent of Little Red Riding Hood except in this case it would be, "My what big...penis you have?!].

The Master begins acting much nicer towards Pamela. Too nice.

now he seems to abound with kindness, and talk of love without reserve, and makes nothing of [...] kissing me, which he calls innocent

This is sort of like how Travis and Abby were platonically cuddling in the same bed in Beautiful Disaster. Except, you know, the tamer 18th century version of that. Pretend this is basically on that level, then you’ll be all, “Sayeth whaaat?” And, hey, wouldn’t you know, Pamela even made a deal with the Master that she had to do this for a set amount of time! These books are all interchangeable, even centuries apart.

I don’t like this fortnight; and it will be a tedious and a dangerous one to me

I notice you use the word “tedious”.

The Master has Pamela go on a walk through the garden with him and continues his unwarranted advances, putting his arm around her waist, kissing her, and… making her sit on his knee. His behavior reminds Pamela of a conversation she overheard between the Master and Mrs. Jewkes, which was apparently the only thing in the history of time she hasn’t written in her letters.

“She is a charming girl, and may be thawed by kindness; and I should have melted her by love, instead of freezing her by fear.”

Honestly, the most shocking part of this is that “freeze her by fear” into falling in love was a legitimate option to this guy at some point.

Oh… Right…

Pamela is suspicious of the Master’s sudden kindness because of this (not because of, say, the kidnapping, the sexual assault, etc.), and rebukes his advances. The Master has still not picked up on how Pamela’s not really interested. So basically we’re at the “but I’m Christian Grey” part of the novel.

“Do you know,” said he, “whom you talk to, and where you are?” [...]
He put his arm round me, and his other hand on my neck [...]
“You are Lucifer himself, in the shape of my Master, or you could not use me thus.”
“These are too great liberties,” said he, in anger.

They then spend a couple pages arguing about who should apologize to whom, because this is a really tricky one.

That night, Pamela is eating dinner with Mrs. Jewkes when suddenly the Master bursts in (you may recall that they cannot dine together because they are of different social class – because that’s literally the whole book). [Ariel says: But it's totally cool if he dresses up in women's clothing and sneaks into her bed. BLURRED LIIIINES.] 

“Sit still, sit still, and let me see how you eat your victuals,”

Okay, it’s no “put the chicken in the fridge“, but-

“Cut up,” said he, “that chicken.”

OKAY WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

“O sir,” said I, “I have eaten a whole breast of chicken already, and cannot eat so much.” But he said I must eat it for his sake, and he would teach me to eat heartily

Pamela and Fifty Shades of Grey were written over two hundred years apart, and they both feature men who get weirdly demanding about the women they love eating whatever they think is enough. HOW ARE THESE BOOKS ACTUALLY ALL THE SAME?

There aren’t any Fifty Shades movie stills to put Fifty Shades quotes over yet, but this is basically the same thing. [Ariel says: I couldn't even tell the difference.]

“I cannot but confess my passion for you is increased by it. [...] I have hitherto been guilty of no very enormous or vile actions [...] Confining you thus may perhaps be one of the worst, at least to person of real innocence.”

“Of real innocence” against… being kidnapped by an obsessed stalker? Wow, it’s a good thing we’ve made such progress as a society and no longer have to legitimize a victim’s suffering first before-

nevermind we’ve done nothing

The Master tells her (again) that she has wit beyond her years, but he now adds “and, as I thought, your opportunities”, because the only thing making Pamela any different from Fifty Shades of Grey is that it took place in a time where you had to make it a big deal when someone of a higher socioeconomic class was romantically interested in… uh… nevermind.

“But what can I do? Consider the pride of my condition. I cannot endure the thought of marriage, even with a person of equal or superior degree to myself”

“But the real issue is totally our different social classes!”

“Yet I must have you; I cannot bear the thoughts of any other man supplanting me in your affections”

Wouldn’t that require Pamela to actually like him first? Because she has literally never ever ever talked of any romantic feelings for the Master, so it’s not like-

His manner too had something so noble, and so sincere [I needed] all my poor discretion to ward off [...] my most guarded thoughts.

…

WHAT.

I threw myself at his feet [...] “O sir,” said I, “spare your poor servant’s confusion! O spare the poor Pamela!”

WHERE DID THIS COME FROM? The closest thing Pamela has ever said to “I secretly have feelings for the Master” is that one time he almost drowned and she was like “well, I’m glad he didn’t die”, and there is a subtle nuance between those two feelings.

Now I begin to be afraid I know too well the reason why all his hard trials of me [...] would not let me hate him.

WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? [Ariel says: This is the one thing she chooses to leave out of her billion page letters???] 

The Master asks her to tell him what he should do. Pamela says that she “ought to regard the world’s opinion” and “avoid doing anything disgraceful”. The Master asks her to tell him what he should do, more explicitly. This goes back and forth forever (and Pamela still manages to write it all down verbatim later somehow) until Pamela admits that she heard his “thawed by kindness” plan. Samuel Richardson also tries to have her stay in character.

“I know not the man breathing that I should wish to be married to, or that ever I thought of with such an idea. I had brought my mind so to love poverty.”
“[But] have you not encouraged Williams to think you will have him?”

Oh for fuck’s sake. This again?

“Do you think it is possible for you to love me preferably to any other of my sex?”

Fucking apparently.

The first part of the book ends (we finished part one, you guys!) with the Master reminding Pamela that because of “the world’s censure”, he can’t marry, and ends the conversation by ambiguously saying that he’s the one who needs to be worried around Pamela. Pamela wonders if this is still just the Master trying to get in her pants.

As long as we’re being all heteronormative here.

This post is, in part, an extension of the series on lateral thinking puzzles that I began a couple of months ago. If you are unfamiliar with the series, you can find Prepare to be Puzzled elsewhere on this site.

I’ve already done my very best to establish that Paul Sloane, who The Independent hailed as ‘the king of lateral thinking puzzles,’ is something of a lunatic when it comes to intellectual ingenuity. In his world bomber planes fly upside down, midgets who think they have grown shoot themselves, and amputated arms will be accepted, delivered and redelivered by the Post Office as many times as you like without question.

Let’s recap on one of Sloane’s more ludicrous puzzles:

One day a man received a parcel in the post. Inside, he found a human left arm. He examined it carefully and then repacked it and sent it on to another man. The second man also examined the arm. He then took it out to the woods and buried it. Why should they have done these things?

Answer:

The three men had been together on a flying mission in the Pacific. Their plane had come down and they were adrift for many days in a dinghy. They had had some water but no food and were gradually starving to death. Eventually, out of desperation, they agreed to amputate their left arms in order to eat them. They swore a solemn oath that each would have his left arm cut off. One of the three was a doctor and he amputated the arms of one and then later of the other of his colleagues. Just before his turn came, they were rescued. However, his oath was still binding and he later had to have his arm amputated and sent to his colleagues for them to see that the oath had been kept.

Royal Mail won’t even deliver certain kinds of batteries, so god knows which post office these people were using. And – fun fact – if you’re trapped with no food, then eating your finger nails (or other peoples) is definitely the way to go, as they provide lots of protein. The more you know eh?

Anyway, I’ve returned to this topic because I recently found out that Paul Sloane is a huge personality in the world of big business. Shell, L’Oréal, Vodaphone and hilariously a company known as ARM have all paid Sloane to give presentations to their CEOs and upper management. His talks are meant to inspire innovative thoughts on leadership and corporate strategy. How? I’m not really sure either.

Worst of all, I discovered that Paul Sloane’s evil mind games are now being adopted by job interviewers. Techinterviewpuzzles.com actually gives the above lateral thinking puzzle as an example of a question that you might be asked in a common HR interview. When being interviewed for a marketing internship, I was once asked ‘How many American flags are there in America?’ That was confusing enough – now that I’ve visited America twice, I can safely say far too many.

I don’t understand why so many people seem to be in love with this puzzle. The answer is plainly ridiculous. I’ve met some downright nasty bastards in my time, but not one of them would engage me in a pact of this sort and then still expect me to amputate my left arm after being rescued. I don’t care how ‘solemn’ the oath was – I’m left-handed for Christ’s sake. No sane person should come to the conclusion that the doctor’s life was permanently ruined by his co-workers, purely in the name of pedantry. [Ariel says: He must have gone on to wreak one-armed revenge upon his colleagues] [Jeremy says: He wanted to cause them some harm, unfortunately he was ‘armless]

Terrible puns aside, I find the idea that you could get asked a question like that in a job interview abhorrent. I understand that the interviewer won’t necessarily be interested in the answer itself, rather in (1) the interviewee’s composure and (2) what methods they use to draw a conclusion. But job hunting is a job unto itself, and shit like this certainly doesn’t make it any easier.

This discovery prompted me to search for other weird questions that people have been asked at job interviews. I have only scratched the surface and I highly recommend looking them up in your free time, because the list is bloody endless. Here are just a few:

What do you think of garden gnomes?

‘You came to the wrong neighbourhood, motherfucker’

Can I admit that I have no strong feelings about garden gnomes, like 99.999% of the rest of the world? Or do I get penalised for that? I know you want to see me think on my feet, but I don’t really see why you asked me this, unless the number one desirable quality for this job role is a propensity for spewing bullshit.

How would you get an elephant into a refrigerator?

Hang on – I’m sure I know the punch line to this one. But even if I remember it, I’m pretty sure it’s entirely irrelevant to whatever role it is you’re interviewing me for.

Do you like pineapples? WHAT DO THEY MEAN TO YOU?

Despite my three years of studying undergraduate philosophy, this is still the stupidest question that I’ve ever come across. Parmenides did my head in, the Pythagoreans were insane  and Schopenhauer was a dick – profoundly pessimistic 100% of the time and proud owner of at least two pet poodles, despite the fact that he condemned the domestication of animals – but none went as far as to waste their time contemplating pineapples. Furthermore, I would never want to admit to anyone that I got a job over them, purely because I was better at expressing my feelings about yellow, spiky, tropical fruit.

As your can see, I do find the question marginally more appealing when the last line is shouted – it sounds like the beginning of a Nazi interrogation.

Finally there is the woman who was asked ‘If you could be any kind of fruit, what would you be?’ to which she replied ‘a mango.’ Allegedly, the interviewer looked back with disgust and said ‘Ugh, I never know what to do with one of those.’

Nevertheless, evidence indicates that these questions are only getting more popular, and because graduate jobs tend to go hand-in-hand with the more innovative and adventurous interviews, that is where you are most likely to encounter them. You might as well forget your tailored CV and the bespoke Cover Letter that you’ve spent the best part of three days slaving over – unless you know why they make tennis balls fuzzy, or how many people were on Facebook in San Francisco at 2:30pm last Friday, they will be fuck all good to you.

Dedicate more time to thinking up questions to ask your interviewer instead. That way, you can use them by way of retaliation if your interview decides to fuck you over Sloane-style.

Let’s see how quick they are at thinking on their feet.

If not a job, then you’ll get a kick out of your interview, at the very least.

So 2014 university graduates, forget about finding a decent job this summer. In the words of the ever-crooning Roy Orbison – It’s Over. We all knew that the vast majority of CEOs and Managing Directors out there probably don’t want to employ us, but it appears that even many of those who do plan to toy with us like cats with mice first.

Why put all of that initial effort in if they’re just going to tease you further? As they say, ‘Give a man your hand and he’ll take your whole arm.’

In the face of this evidence, that’s very hard to refute.

For other blog posts on current affairs and literature, or just for shits and giggles, follow me @JeremyCoward

Previously, Tris didn’t choose the cheese or the knife, thus proving she is divergent as fuck. Also, shhhh no one can know she’s divergent because she’s a little bit dangerous. 

Now that the tone has been appropriately set, let’s go to a Choosing Ceremony. [Matthew says: It's like The Hunger Games, except EVERYBODY volunteers as tribute!]

Chapter 5

It ain’t dystopian fiction without a ceremony, y’all! It’s time for Tris to make her big decision, but first here’s why smoking is bad in the future:

A pale ring of sunlight burns into the clouds like the end of a lit cigarette. I will never smoke one myself—they are closely tied to vanity—but a crowd of Candor smokes them in front of the building when we get off the bus.

FUCKIN’ CANDORS AND THER GOSH DARN SMOKIN. But actually why vanity? I could even sort of understand if Tris was like, “I’d never smoke because it’s selfish to damage your health knowingly”. I’d be annoyed, but at least there’d be some logic there.

Also, as I’m looking through my notes, my anti-Abnegation feelings start right away in this book. There’s a lot of “Omg I can’t wait till Tris leaves these assholes” and my response to this…

The elevator is crowded, so my father volunteers to give a cluster of Amity our place.

…was simply, “Fuck you, Tris’ dad. Let someone else be selfless for once.”

Man I did not, and still don’t, like Abnegation. Does that make me factionist?

My father holds the door open on the twentieth floor and stands like a sentry as every Abnegation walks past him. I would wait for him, but the crowd presses me forward, out of the stairwell and into the room where I will decide the rest of my life.

Serious question: how do Abnegations avoid getting trapped in an endless cycle of

“After you.”
“No after you.”
“…No after YOU.”

And so on. How do you get to win the battle to be the most selfless?

Tris informs us that factions are actually the dystopian equivalent of fraternities/sororities.

We are not called members yet; our decisions today will make us initiates, and we will become members if we complete initiation.

Tris mentions that Caleb is going to go first, and I am going to smugly point out that I guessed what faction he would choose. We didn’t mention this, but at the end of last chapter this happened after Tris spoke to her brother:

“I peer into his room and see an unmade bed and a stack of books on his desk. ”

So obviously Caleb is going to choose Erudite because no self-respecting Abnegation would be caught dead with a book…unless you want them to read a book then it would be selfish if they didn’t.

In the last circle are five metal bowls so large they could hold my entire body, if I curled up. Each one contains a substance that represents each faction: gray stones for Abnegation, water for Erudite, earth for Amity, lit coals for Dauntless, and glass for Candor.

Do they have an affinity for all the elements, though? Has the goddess Nyx blessed them? Huh? HUH? [Matthew says: Keep in mind we have STILL never gotten an explanation for what any of the factions are, but we'll be damned if we're not gonna get some symbolism that perfectly represents whatever the hell they are!]

Mrs Tris’ mom whispers to her that she’ll love her no matter what she chooses, which is great news as Tris is obviously going to leave Abnefuckingation in her dust.

We learn some history about the factions during the ceremony:

Decades ago our ancestors realized that it is not political ideology, religious belief, race, or nationalism that is to blame for a warring world. Rather, they determined that it was the fault of human personality—of humankind’s inclination toward evil, in whatever form that is. They divided into factions that sought to eradicate those qualities they believed responsible for the world’s disarray. [Matthew says: Closed-mindedness was not one of them, apparently.]

In other words:

“You guys know what we haven’t blamed the world’s problems on yet? Personality!”
“What do you mean, Mark?”
“Hear me out. Hear me out. You remember that girl who was really bland from high school? I bet if we stuck her in her own…faction, yeah, factions! I bet if we stuck Blandy McBlando in her own faction the world be a better place.”
“Yes…YES. And then we can determine who should be in different factions based on whether or not they choose a knife or cheese.”
“Shit, we’re really onto something here. Let’s throw a pissed off dog into the mix, and we’ve got ourselves a grade A plan to save the world!”

Here’s a quick summary of the factions’ defining (only?) characteristics.

• Amity = Nice
• Candor = Honest
• Abnegation = Boring Selfless
• Dauntless = Brave
• Erudite = Intelligent

Everyone contributes to a specific aspect of society. [Matthew says: Sort of liiiiiike...]

[Matthew says: I know Linda Holmes made this joke already, and we linked to it so you know I'm stealing it, but, dammit, there are GIFs to be used!]

For some reason Candor are lawyers…if life is so peaceful, are their services even in demand? [Matthew says: And Amity are the similarly niche "counselors and caretakers", so this book has TWO Hufflepuffs!] And Dauntless defend society from…something.

[Matthew says: See? GIFFFFFFFFS.]

I have no idea if these factions are just in Chicago or if they’re a national thing, but their motto “factions before blood” reminds me again of a fraternity/sorority. Do Dauntless from Chicago and New York meet up and immediately do their faction’s handshake? [Matthew says: Of course not. Chicagoans and New Yorkers hate each other.]

[Matthew says: As you might imagine, the speech before the ceremony requires a lot of suspension of disbelief:

"The reach of each faction is not limited to these areas. We give one another far more than can be adequately summarized."

CLEARLY.]

Caleb chooses Erudite and Tris chooses Dauntless. GASP. [Matthew says: So, wait, how is Caleb not Divergent? Because he's definitely displayed Abnegation tendencies.]

Chapter 6

Tris dad is visibly upset by her decision, but her mom is straight-up smiling about it. Even Abnegations hate Abnegation.

The Dauntless members and the new initiates start heading towards the stairs. The very stairs Abnegation took earlier!

Then everyone starts running. I hear whoops and shouts and laughter all around me, and dozens of thundering feet moving at different rhythms. It is not a selfless act for the Dauntless to take the stairs; it is a wild act.

Wait. You mean to tell me the same action can have different meanings?!?!? Get outta town. Everything I believed is a farce. [Matthew says: Wow! I wonder if that applies to people, too? Oh- just... just Tris? Oh. Okay.]

They all start running for the trains (remember the jumping and the trains and the dauntless): 

I have not run anywhere in a long time. Abnegation discourages anything done strictly for my own enjoyment, and that is what this is

Seriously why would anyone ever choose Abnegation? Such a miserable faction. I bet their initiation is being offered a delicious slice of pie, and if you don’t offer it to someone else you fail. [Matthew says: Honestly, I can kind of see this. Like, especially if you were born into Abnegation. It's basically why we still have Catholicism. I bet there are a lot of stand-up comedians in the world of Divergent who make jokes about being raised Abnegation.]

One boy is unable to jump on the train and fails initiation immediately. Lucky for Tris, one of the other faction transfers helps her up whew. [Matthew says: Therefore their situations are totally different and Tris has not failed initiation, because fuck you, slow kid.] Her name is Christina and she is in the rest of the book, so you may as well remember her now.

Tris contemplates her decision to leave her parents behind.

I close my eyes and picture my mother and father sitting at the dinner table in silence. Is it a lingering hint of selflessness that makes my throat tighten at the thought of them, or is it selfishness, because I know I will never be their daughter again?

It’s both, Tris, because you are divergent as fuck.

Next, the initiates have to jump from the train down seven stories to a rooftop. I remember this was where I kinda started getting into things. Granted, I find a lot of the Dauntless danger really pointless, but this was the first time I was like, shit, something is at stake for Tris now. [Matthew says: Especially since someone helped her do the first thing that was totally real stakes for that other kid who already failed at life.] I couldn’t care less she left her family, but right away I wanted her to kick ass in initiation and not plummet to her death. That’s saying a lot because I would want most characters we write about to plummet to their death.

We meet Captain Obvious, a pivotal character for this scene:

“We have to jump off too, then,” a Candor girl says. She has a large nose and crooked teeth.

Duly noted. Otherwise I might have had the completely wrong image of her in my head. I haven’t seen the movie, but I really hope they found the right actress for this role.

One transfer is too scared and says he’d rather be factionless than dead. THE HORROR. Tris, being very un-divergent, disagrees.

Still not sure what the point of this was, but one of the transfers actually misses the jump and does plummet to his death – yikes! The stakes have never been higher!

I tell myself, as sternly as possible, that is how things work here. We do dangerous things and people die. People die, and we move on to the next dangerous thing. The sooner that lesson sinks in, the better chance I have at surviving initiation.

You know, in the Hunger Games, this type of mindset made 100% sense, the stakes were high and believable within that world. Granted, we don’t really know the Dauntless backstory aside from “They thought bravery was the answer!” But this isn’t “bravery” this is stupidly putting yourself in unnecessary danger to…prove said bravery? Doing dangerous things and dying like this doesn’t make me think Tris or any of the Dauntless are badass, just stupid.

And I don’t think this is just for initiation either. It said right from the start that they jump on and off the trains just to get to school. It sounds like this is just part of life for some reason. Maybe we’ll get answers like they’re always training because of the threats they fight against, and if you can’t survive doing things like this, you stand no chance against…the threats? But like at least have Tris speculate on this a little or have someone address it instead of glamourising it.

One of the Dauntless leaders announces the next challenge:

Several stories below us is the members’ entrance to our compound. If you can’t muster the will to jump off, you don’t belong here. Our initiates have the privilege of going first.

Is the only way to fucking prove yourself in Dauntless to just jump from dangerous places?

Tris is the first one to jump, impressing everyone including myself.

A net is waiting for Tris at the end of her fall and so is her future love interest ;)

He has a spare upper lip and a full lower lip. His eyes are so deep-set that his eyelashes touch the skin under his eyebrows, and they are dark blue, a dreaming, sleeping, waiting color.

When I first read “spare upper lip” I read it as “he has an extra upper lip…??” I’m still not at all sure what that means, though. [Matthew says: Speaking of weird-as-fuck writing in this scene, we also have this gem of a sentence:

"He" is the young man attached to the hand I grabbed.

So Divergent is mostly better written than most of the books we have here, provided Tris isn't meeting hunky boys.]

We find out this guy’s name is Four, [Matthew says: Really.] and he tells Tris she can choose a new name. This is the point where she officially goes from being Beatrice to Tris. SORRY I RUINED THAT EPIC MOMENT FOR YOU GUYS!

What Divergent faction would you totes be in???? Let me know your results, guys. I got Amity OMG I’M NICE. [Matthew says: I got Erudite, because I've always gotten Ravenclaw so I was like, "Why am I even bothering with this quiz."]

Tagged: books, Divergent, dystopian, Excerpts, Humor, Tris Prior, Veronica Roth, YA

Last week we started reading Veronica Roth’s Divergent, and the internet has not turned on us yet. Except for that Doctor Who thing.

Ariel’s mentor has a Kickstarter for an LGBT community iOS app called “Queer Booth”. It’s like an LGBT variation on FatBooth, and if you have any interest in supporting the app, Ariel would be thrilled!

In other news, Ariel is unable to comment on today’s post because she’s too drunk. But she did drunkenly Facebook message me to say, “just say tris is divergetn as fuck for me“, so there you go. It’s like she never left.

Chapter 7

After Tris volunteered as tribute jumped into the bottomless hole first, the rest of the Divergent initiates follow and then are split up into Career Tributes Divergent-born and kids who are probably gonna die and transfers and kids who are probably gonna die. Of the nine transfers, only Tris is Abnegation – the rest are Erudite and Candor. Tris points out that none of them are Amity, because Amity is the Hufflepuff of Divergent.

The rest of the group also learns totally-not-Tris’s-love-interest’s name.

“I am your instructor,” he says. “My name is Four.”
Christina asks, “Four? Like the number?”

Four gives the newcomers a tour of their secret underground cave Divergent base. Where all the Divergent, who make up 1/5 of the population, live in secret. But it’s cool because Tris notices it doesn’t make sense either.

I don’t see any elderly people in the crowd. Are there any old Dauntless? Do they not last that long, or are they just sent away when they can’t jump off moving trains anymore?

I hope this actually comes up again later as something interesting instead of this actually being the explanation. Dauntless-born people have to come from somewhere and this is kind of the only explanation we have:

Although everything is over-the-top stereotypes in this book, so I wouldn’t even be surprised.

Four shows them their base, which includes appropriately badass areas like the Pit, which is literally just a hole leading to a several story-drop, because even Dauntless’s interior decorators are really fucking hardcore. They then go to the cafeteria where Tris encounters the most shocking part of Dauntless lyfe yet: a hamburger.

I punch one between my fingers, unsure what to make of it.
Four nudges me with his elbow.
“It’s beef,” he says. “Put this on it.” He passes me a small bowl full of red sauce. [...]
[Christina] smirks. “No wonder you left [Abnegation].”
“Yeah, I say, rolling my eyes. “It was just because of the food.”
The corner of Four’s mouth twitches.

Hey. Guys. It’s a meat cute.

You’re welcome.

Tris explains that Abnegation didn’t have these hamburgers because “extravagance is considered self-indulgent and unnecessary”, because if I could think of one word to describe a hamburger, it would be “extravagant”.

A man named Eric with many piercings appears and we learn he’s one of the five leaders of Dauntless, just in case we confuse the man with many piercings as any of the other Factions. Eric walks over to Four and goads him with teasing questions while Four sits there fairly reservedly. The reader immediately picks up that theirs is a cold relationship.

“Max tells me he keeps trying to meet with you, and you don’t show up,” Erik says. [...]
“Tell him that I am satisfied with the position I currently hold.”
“So he wants to give you a job.” [...]
“So it would seem,” Four says.
“And you aren’t interested.”
“I haven’t been interested for two years.”
“Well,” says Eric. “Let’s hope he gets the point then.”

Although Tris is completely baffled.

Are they friends? [...] Everything Eric did – sitting here, asking about Four – suggests that they are, but the way Four sits, tense as pulled wire, suggests they are something else.

Tris continues to spell everything out for the reader short of discovering his name is Eric Secondaryantagonist.

I don’t understand why, but I don’t want Eric to look at me any longer than he already has.

Which isn’t “bad”, but, come on, we need something to wonder about outside of “no, seriously, Factions?“

After dinner, Eric explains Dauntless orientation to the group. The initiates are ranked during each stage of initiation, and only people ranked in the top ten are accepted into Dauntless, because it is apparently a rule now that all dystopian YA must have a training montage where the stakes are conveyed quantitatively as fuck.

“He is nine bad out of a possible twelve bad. That’s like 75th percentile bad. Now you don’t even have to think about how bad he is. We just told you.”

Even worse, the transfers are competing against the Dauntless-born, which means that only half of them are going to make it.

“You chose us,” [Eric] says. “Now we have to choose you.”

Remember how all this “choosing” is a central theme of the novel, because it’s going to be completely contradicted in the climax.

Tris lies in bed considering the dire straits she has found herself in, when she overhears the Candor boy, Al, crying. As always, this is an opportunity to remind us that Tris is… divergent.

No one has to know that I don’t want to help him.

Eventually Tris is going to discover that cheeseburgers exist and it’s going to be a huge deal that nobody has to know that she doesn’t want to choose the cheese.

Chapter 8

The first Dauntless lesson is learning how to shoot a gun.

Dauntless initiation is designed to remove cowardice. The first stage is physical, the second emotional, and the third mental.

“Initiation is divided into three stages. [...] The stages are not weighed equally in determining your final rank, so it is possible, though difficult, to drastically improve your rank over time.”

Okay, so I guess we know exactly what’s going to happen to Tris, because there’s no reason why this information would be given to us otherwise. This is just, uh… you know… Chekhov’s Gun…

My family would never approve of me firing a gun. They would say that guns are used for self-defense, if not violence, and therefore they are self-serving.

Self-defense is self-serving? Oh my God, these fucking people. What isn’t self-serving with them? Next thing we’ll be learning that even hamburgers are- OH WAIT.

It takes Tris all of training to fire a shot that hits the target, and only barely. After training she wonders about more troublesome matters, like how she has more than a single definable trait.

Tori warned me that being Divergent was dangerous [...] So far it hasn’t been a problem, but that doesn’t make me feel safe. What if I let my guard down and something terrible happens?

Seriously, what could the problem be? So far we have no context for understanding how a person with more than one narrowly-defined trait can make her dangerous (much less even negatively affect her), because it kind of seems like… most people in this book meet those requirements?

Anyway, this stops being a problem because Tris sees some people make out and that’s a way bigger deal.

I watch them carefully. I’ve only seen a few kisses in my life. [..] “Do they have to be so public?” I say.
“She just kissed him.” Al frowns at me. [...]
“A kiss is not something you do in public.”
Al, Will, and Christina all give me the same knowing smile.
“What?” I say.
“Your Abnegation is showing,” says Christina. “The rest of us are all right with a little affection in public.”

Is it weird if this is the first time I’m sympathizing with Tris?

“I am not frigid!” I exclaim.
“Don’t worry about it,” says Will. “It’s endearing.”

Tris talks about how it feels good to laugh again, but I just remember how awful high school is.

After lunch, they go back to training and Four starts teaching them the basics of hand-to-hand combat. Tris struggles with this, which is great, because we needed a convenient reason to have some romantic tension.

“You don’t have much muscle,” [Four] says, “Which means you’re better off using your knees and elbows. You can put more power behind them.”
Suddenly he presses a hand to my stomach. [...] My heart pounds so hard my chest hurts, and I stare at him, wide-eyed.
“Never forget to keep tension here,” he says in a quiet voice.

I recently read another blogger describe my style as “colorful” and I was like “probably”.

Al, the crying transfer, decides he needs to feel more like a Dauntless, and decides that he’s going to get a tattoo, because every problem in this book is solved with stereotypes. This results in a whole mess of “Change in Appearance = CHANGE IN EMOTIONS” for our heroes, which is a metaphor that always works very well.

Always.

“No. I will not cut my hair,” I say, “or dye it a strange color. Or piece my face.”
“How about your bellybutton?” she says.
“Or your nipple?” Will says with a snort.

I realize they don’t match up to the stiff competition we’ve seen in the other books on this blog, but Tris’s friends are kind of jerks.

Christina talks Tris into at least getting a new, knee-length black dress, and even into putting makeup on her.

Looking at myself now isn’t like seeing myself for the first time; it’s like seeing someone else for the first time. Beatrice was a girl I saw in stolen moments at the mirror, who kept quiet at the dinner table. This is someone whose eyes claim mine and don’t release me; this is Tris.

I foresee reusing this gif a lot somehow.

Tris and Christina meet up with Al and however many other friends they have at the tattoo parlor, and who should happen to work there but Tori, the Dauntless who administered Tris’s cheese/knife test? She smiles in surprise at seeing Tris again. Tris sneakily asks her if she can talk to her about her secret, but Tori doesn’t think it’s a good idea and tells her she has to “go it alone”. Tris is upset, because she knows that Tori is keeping answers from her, but surprises herself when Tori’s suggestion to get an impulse tattoo sounds pretty good.

I understand now what Tori said about her tattoo representing a fear she overcame. [...]
“Yes,” I say. “Three of these flying birds.”
I touch my collarbone, marking the path of their flight – toward my heart. One for each member of the family I left behind.

You know, as much as I appreciate this book doing my job of actually thinking about it for me, young adults probably know what metaphors are.

- – -

Side Note: I accidentally caused some offense with the joke about Catholicism on yesterday’s post. Ariel wrote a joke about how miserable Abnegation is and wondered why anybody would choose it. I tried to draw a real-world comparison to Catholicism, saying that I could understand how people find meaning in something that other people simply see as strict, because people just connect to things differently and that’s fine – people gotta find what works for them. Unfortunately, I didn’t look over what I had written very carefully, and instead of defending Abnegation like I intended, I accidentally wrote something that instead looked like I was attacking Catholicism. So I’d like to clear the air about what I meant to write and apologize for what I actually did write, because intent is all well and good, but – as anyone who reads this blog knows – it doesn’t make up for bad writing.

Here’s the day of the week when everyone scampers away and waits till it’s time to read Divergent again. Happy monday!

Last week a lot of phone calls were made between characters, and the illusion of plot happening was poorly maintained. [Matthew says: I still have no idea what this book is pretending to be about.]

Chapter 11

Before work, Eva has a brief heart to heart with Cary in which Eva reveals nothing but insists Cary is still someone she trusts more than anything. Except clearly not. She can barely trust the guy to glean some information about someone via Google let alone let him know she’s actually still with Gideon.

“He’s not a mystery. I just can’t talk about him, and that has nothing to do with our friendship. I trust you and love you and rely on you like always.”

His green eyes challenged me over the rim of his mug. “Doesn’t seem like it.”

Correct.

“You’re my best friend. When I’m old and gray, you’ll still be my best friend. Not talking about the guy I’m seeing isn’t going to change that.”

Realistically incorrect.

“How am I not supposed to feel like you don’t trust me? What’s the big deal with this guy that you can’t even give me a name or anything?”

I sighed and told him a partial truth. “I don’t know his name.”

So by “partial lie” Eva actually meant to say “completely 100% a lie that doesn’t even make any sense whatsoever, and only a fucking moron would believe.”

Enter Cary.

Sure he’s skeptical for about two lines, but then he’s like, “Lol what name do you shout when you’re coming? I’m convinced this is truth.” [Matthew says: I like how this is apparently the detail that gets Cary to call bullshit.]

Cary’s love life is still stupid, just in case you were wondering.

At work, we find out about other minor characters’ love lives. Megumi is unhappy with hers, but Eva’s boss Mark is winning the competition for happiest relationship in this book. I know, the competition is as fierce as Christian Siriano and about as relevant as that joke.

I’d barely turned the corner at the end of the hall when Mark bounded out of his office with a huge grin.

“Oh my God.” I stopped midstep. “You look insanely happy. Let me guess. You’re engaged!”

“I am!”

“Yay!” I dropped my purse and bag on the floor and clapped. “I’m so excited for you! Congratulations.”

Yay!! A minor character we can barely remember is engaged!! I’ve never been so happy in my life. While out for lunch with Megumi, Eva gets a phone call from Gideon.

“My attorneys just notified me that the police might have a suspect.”

“What?” My heart stopped. My stomach began to revolt against lunch. “Oh my God.”

“It’s not me.”

Oh, good, as long as someone else is going to jail for Gideon’s crimes, we can all rest easy. The rest of the conversation isn’t even included in the book, Eva just thinks back on it during the next scene. [Matthew says: I get that nothing is more important than Gideon and Eva's love, but do we have to be so transparent about it that we're not even going to discuss who might be taking the fall for the murder he committed?]

Gideon had sounded calm and collected during our brief conversation. He’d told me not to get upset, that he just wanted to warn me that the police might come by with more questions. Or they might not.

Well, that is super unhelpful. It would be like if every day the weather man was like, “Good morning, Pennsylvania, today it’s either going to rain or not rain.”

What if the police did have a suspect who wasn’t Gideon? What would we do? We couldn’t let an innocent person go to prison. And yet there was a tiny voice in my head whispering that Gideon would be safe from prosecution if someone else were convicted of the crime.

“And yet there was a tiny voice in my head whispering that we didn’t give a fuck about this other person, because True Love.”

This scene makes me want to do this.

The moment the thought entered my mind, I felt sick over it.

At least she has the grace to feel bad for thinking that, but hi, still. I’m shocked Day didn’t just hit backspace over this whole sequence and simply stop at, “We couldn’t let an innocent person to to prison.” [Matthew says: My genuine favorite thing about this series by this point is how resolutely Sylvia Day keeps digging her grave ever since that "Gideon murdered a dude" thing.]

Eva’s boss gives her the afternoon off to go pick up her dad at the airport/sort everything out for him. She takes some of this time to visit Gideon and talk about All The Things. But especially the whole thing about maybe potentially letting an innocent man go to prison.

“Will I let someone else pay for my crime?” His jaw tightened. “Is that what you’re asking?”

“No.” I smoothed his brow with my fingertips. “I know you won’t let that happen. I’m just wondering how you’ll prevent it.”

His scowl deepened. “You’re asking me to predict the future, Eva. I can’t do that. You just have to trust me.” [Matthew says: Because this doesn't completely contradict itself.]

“I do,” I promised fervently. “But I’m still scared. I can’t help being freaked out.”

“I know. I’m worried, too.” His thumb brushed over my bottom lip. “Detective Graves is a very intelligent woman.”

For those of you who don’t remember (aka all of you) Detective Graves popped up at the very end of Reflected in You to play the part of the psychologist at the end of Psycho who just reads aloud from the book Plotlines for Dummies. Detective Graves essentially says, “Hey I know Gideon murdered Nathan, but True Love, and I can’t *really* prove anything, so you should get back together with him because he loves you/True Love.”

So when they say “Detective Graves is a very intelligent woman,” you have to wonder if they’re getting “intelligent woman” confused with “fucking moron”.

His observation clicked with me. “You’re right. That makes me feel better.”

I didn’t know Shelley Graves, not really. But in the few interactions I’d had with her, she’d struck me as being intelligent and street-smart. I hadn’t factored her into the equation, and I should have. It was odd to be in a position where I both feared who she was and appreciated it.

I am not at all understanding how this is comforting to Eva. If Graves is so smart and has in fact figured out Gideon is the culprit, shouldn’t she be worried about her finding hard evidence against Gideon? I think maybe Eva’s saying she’s confident that Graves would find evidence to exonerate whatever suspect they have, but again, why isn’t she worried about Gideon getting caught as well?

The next scene jumps from these tender moments of comfort (you know, over whether or not they’re going to get caught for these murder shenanigans) to one of semi-phone sex as Eva drives one of Gideon’s cars to the airport. It’s really weird and unnerving given how anxious and sad Eva has been this whole chapter and how nervous she is to be going to pick up her father. There’s also this absurdly irritating line:

“Hey, I can’t turn left or right. I think I’m heading for the Midtown Tunnel. I could lose you.”

“You’ll never lose me, angel,” he vowed. “Wherever you go, however far, I’ll be right here with you.”

SHE IS JUST GOING INTO A FUCKING TUNNEL AND LOSING SIGNAL WHY ARE YOU MAKING IT A BIG THING? [Matthew says: "Gideon, I have to throw out the milk. It's gone sour." "OUR LOVE WILL NEVER SOUR."]

Eva picks up her dad at the airport, and he agrees to go out for Tapas with Eva and Cary because nothing says coping with finding out your daughter had been horrifically sexually abused as a child like Tapas.

So who do you guys think this new suspect is? I bet it’s Megumi. Or ex-boyfriend-rockstar-Brett!

Real quick aside about The Room posts: There will not be one this week, again. A super exciting opportunity came up for me that’s going to require time and effort that I won’t be able to put into The Room. So The Room updates may be a little (more) erratic for a while, and hopefully soon I’ll be able to announce the reason why, if things work out.

This week we start Volume 2 of Pamela! [Ariel says: Boy time sure does fly when you're reading the same events over and over again. I feel like we've entered the Twilight Zone with our Monday/Tuesday books lately.]

We’re at the halfway mark, and both of the leads have realized they love each other and they both know it. [Ariel says: Again, just like Entwined with You.] So, according to the rules of the romance genre as we’ve seen in other books on BBGT, it’s time for some contrived reasons to pull them apart again, because we haven’t stretched this story out enough yet. [Ariel says: Well, this is nothing at all like Entwined with You because there's nothing contrived about hiding your relationship because you're covering up a murder that no one suspects you of committing now is there? We win this round, Entwined.] [Matthew adds: Yes, Ariel. You hold onto that victory.]

Days 43-44

The Master bursts into Pamela’s room before she’s dressed, because nearly-confessing your feelings for each other means you no longer have privacy.

“What, Pamela, so fearful, after what passed yesterday between us!”

The Master lets Mrs. Jewkes and Pamela know that he’s had an invitation to a ball and will have to be out of town for a few days. First estate problems, am I right? He warns Mrs. Jewkes that word on the street is that someone’s trying to get a secret message to Pamela, which of course is said right in front of Pamela, because that makes sense.

And now we reach CONTRIVED REASON #1

“You must know, Pamela, [I] have dismissed Jonathan and Mrs. Jervis, since I have been here; for their behavior has been intolerable” [...]
“Alas! Sir,” said I, “I fear all these good people have suffered for my sake!”
“Why,” said he, “I believe so too.”

Pamela – who has suddenly fallen in love with the Master for some unexplained reason – now considers this action and wonders if the Master is actually kind of a douche, which is exactly how she felt for the entire book until she suddenly didn’t one day before. [Ariel says: This is how I feel about Taco Bell, actually. For years and years I resolutely refused to eat there, but then one drunken night I tried it and declared to everyone I loved Taco Bell. But then pretty much the next day I was like, "Wait, this is kind of disgusting..."] 

I am very sad about these things: If he really loved me, methinks he should not be so angry that his servants loved me too. I know not what to think!

Pamela, trying to solve any problem ever

Sure enough, as soon as the Master is out of town, something incredibly suspicious happens, like, say, a gypsy fortune teller showing up at the gates.

“You will never be married, I can see; and will die of your first child!”

Good thing Pamela knows someone is trying to get a secret message to her, because when they go back to investigate the area later to see if the gypsy is still around, Pamela immediately find a hidden letter. Good work saying, “DON’T LET PAMELA FIND ANY SECRET LETTERS” right in front of Pamela.

The letter reveals what we’ve known all along: CONTRIVED REASON #2

The ‘squire is absolutely determined to ruin you; and, because he despairs, of any other way, he will pretend great love and kindness to you, and that he will marry you. [...] He has hired [someone] to impersonate a minister.

Although I guess that should maybe be Reason #1, because, obviously, that’s been the whole fucking book. Pamela starts coming around to her “the Master is a jerk!” view, which seemingly went away twenty pages ago just so she could figure it out again.

Now I will break this wicked forward heart of mine, if it will not be taught to hate him!

Like it did for literally the whole book except for two scenes ago? Time to bring out the “pure woman must save troubled man” trope!

I hoped all the worst was over; and that I had the pleasure of beholding a reclaimed man. [...] If this fails him, then comes, to be sure, my forced disgrace! He’s a man with serious, deep emotional flaws, and he’s dragging me into the dark. Can I not guide him into the light?

Oh, wait, sorry, half of that quote was actually from Fifty Shades of Grey. Can you tell which part? [Ariel says: ...I think so? Took me a minute, though.] 

Well, you totally wouldn’t be able to if it weren’t for words like “beholding”.

Days 45-47

Pamela tries to recover where she hid a bunch of her old letters and Mrs. Jewkes catches her. Therefore it’s a pretty good time for Pamela to spend a few pages summarizing the entire novel up to this point, because Pamela wasn’t being the same thing over and over again quite literally enough. The Master and Pamela have another lengthy conversation about the letters.

[Ariel says: Can't get enough Pamela? Try reading Pamela within Pamela! It's Pamelaception!]

Just repeat “I wanna read them!” and “Please don’t!” for a few hundred words and you got it. And now you understand how I got away with writing a final paper on this book in college even though I only read about a fifth of it.

The Master assures Pamela that, since Pamela didn’t write them intending him to ever read them, she has “no cause for uneasiness” and he’ll understand that. Naturally, the first thing the Master complains to her about are “several love-letters between you and [Mr.] Williams”, because why are we not done with this yet oh my god.

“Thou hast a memory, as I see by your papers, that nothing escapes.”

WRITING PRO TIP: If you acknowledge something completely unbelievable in your book, it will suddenly make sense. [Ariel says: This only works for American Horror Story in that it doesn't work, but no one gives a fuck because the show is way more fun than Pamela.]

The Master puts two and two together and realizes that, since Pamela has not stopped writing these seriously incriminating letters for some reason, there are totally more and he demands to read them. They argue about this (because it really is just like all all the contemporary books we read on this blog today), and then… uh… this happens…

“It is my opinion they are about you; and I never undressed a girl in my life; but I will now begin to strip my pretty Pamela”

Remember how the Preface stated that Pamela was “to instruct and improve the minds of the youth of both sexes” with its romance?

This is about how successfully it’s doing that.

Pamela immediately goes “OKAY NEVERMIND” and runs away to her closet to get the remaining letters. Which… she is currently writing. Right now.

BWAAAAAAAA

During this time, Pamela:

1. Gives Mrs. Jewkes a note to give to the Master promising to give him the letters in the morning, because she “guessed it would not be long before I heard from him”, since this all literally just happened and Pamela stopped to write a few hundred words about it.
2. Unsews the letters from her undercoat, because don’t forget Pamela apparently has dozens of sheets of paper lining her clothing.
3. WRITES ANOTHER GODDAMN SUMMARY OF THE STORY THUS FAR. AGAIN.

The next day Pamela gives the Master the letters, which brings us to CONTRIVED REASON #3. The Master suddenly sends Pamela home to her parents (for reals?!?!), having read her new letters. Now confronted with “such proof that her virtue is all her pride”, he decides cannot “rob her of that” (FINALLY). He sends Pamela away with a letter explaining himself:

“I was in far more danger from you, than you were form me; for I was just upon resolving to defy all the censures of the world, and to make you your wife”

Yep. Looks like there’s no solution to this problem.

Pamela has her own emotional torment over the matter:

But love is not a voluntary thing: Love, did I say? But come, I hope not.

NOBODY WRITES LIKE THIS.

Earlier today, Matt asked me if the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer had been released yet. Because this is an incredibly time sensitive, pressing matter as we are your #1 source of FSoG related news (duh), I knew I had to investigate further.

What I found was far more shocking than the actual movie will most likely be.

The actual trailer isn’t being released until Thursday. If you think it’s cocky enough that a movie is hyping it’s fucking trailer, enter this:

Amazed that Fifty Shades of Grey somehow still manages to become an increasingly worse thing, we had to talk out our feelings on this one. We’ll talk about the trailer itself next week, but for this week, here’s our conversation about the trailer for the trailer, because seriously.

- – -

Ariel: Fifty Shades of Grey has a trailer…for its movie trailer…WHO DOES THAT???

Matthew: Honestly, I’m surprised it wasn’t just the trailer for Twilight with the names voiced over.

Ariel: Shit, they could have saved themselves so much money!

Matthew: I guess I should actually watch it then.

Ariel: I mean… It’s so dumb… and Beyonce’s “Crazy in Love” is playing for some reason.

Matthew: That’s literally the only thing I know about it. I see what they’re trying to do, because he’s – dramatic pause – fifty shades of crazy… in LOVE. So that’s probably what they were going for, but, honestly, they probably just pissed off a good portion of Beyonce’s fan base.

Ariel: HOW DID SHE ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN!

Matthew: WHY IS QUEEN BEY DOING THIS TO US?

Ariel: At this point I’m actually more surprised there wasn’t a trailer for the trailer for the trailer.

Matthew: Okay, I actually watched it now. There’s a joke to be made about withholding gratification in here.

Ariel: Joke: “Comes to life…” Also: “Comes to life… as a trailer.”

Matthew: Joke: “See the movie.” That’s a joke right there, right?

Ariel: I laughed at that.

Matthew: Oh good, it is a joke. I thought so.

Ariel: I just want to know what kind of conceited fuck nuts decided it was acceptable to release a trailer for a fucking trailer – are these are the same kinds of people who would be like Better Call Saul isn’t enough we need to go back even further into the Breaking Bad mythology.

Matthew: We should maybe actually talk about the trailer itself. Maybe analyze some stuff.

Ariel: A door closes.

Matthew: I notice Christian Grey has hands. Keeping it close to the source material.

Ariel: Seriously, I can’t believe they had the nerve to write “the worldwide phenomenon comes to life.” NO IT DOESN’T IT’S THE TRAILER.

Matthew: I think it came prematurely.

Ariel: This must be their first trailer.

Matthew: The studio was probably all, “That only lasted for like fifteen seconds”.

Tris joined Dauntless and began the daunting initiation. [Matthew says: Oh my God, I just got it.] Dauntless tasks for Tris include wearing eyeliner for the first time, getting a tattoo, and buying new clothes from the local Hot Topic.

[Matthew says: Ariel clearly forgot to put this gif in here.]

Chapter 9

Apparently buying new clothes, wearing eyeliner, and getting a tattoo isn’t enough to prove you’re a true Dauntless, [Matthew says: Whaaat now I understand nothing about how to be brave and badass.] so now it’s time for the kids to get in the arena and beat the shit out of each other. Bravery is all about beating the ever loving crap out of your peers.

As there are an odd number of transfers, Tris isn’t going to be fighting anyone today, but Christina is concerned because she’ll be fighting “the Tank,” who is just some girl named Molly. Instead of responding to Christina, Tris takes this time to go down memory lane and remember the good times she’s had with Christina. Since this morning.

Christina and I sat together at breakfast, and earlier she shielded me from the rest of the dormitory as I changed. I haven’t had a friend like her before. Susan was better friends with Caleb than with me, and Robert only went where Susan went.

I guess I haven’t really had a friend, period. It’s impossible to have real friendship when no one feels like they can accept help or even talk about themselves. That won’t happen here.

Aside from finding this a bit random, I think it actually is a really perfect moment to choose to convey Tris’ wonderment over what a friendship is supposed to look like. Especially since she’s never had a real friend before (boo, Susan, boo), little moments like those where someone is willing to help you not because they’re Abnegation and have an obligation to help you, but because they just want to do it would really mean something.

Again, trying to be friends with someone in Abnegation would be a constant exercise in trying to be more selfless than the other person. I can’t find the exact quote, but I think it might have been on Will and Grace, where one of the characters is mad because they feel like they never get a chance to be the selfless one in the relationship. Abnegation would be the worst kind of paradox to be trapped in unless you make an explicit schedule of when you can be the selfless one. [Matthew says: Abnegation: Where every interaction with every person is "No, you hang up first," except you don't like them because that would be selfish.]

We meet the obligatory group of assholes:

I glance at Peter and his friends. Drew is shorter than both Peter and Molly, but he’s built like a boulder, and his shoulders are always hunched. His hair is orange-red, the color of an old carrot.

Image solidified. I’m going to be angry when I watch the Divergent film, and Carrot Top is nowhere to be found. [Matthew says: I honestly can't remember if this character even made it into the film.]

Christina claims that Peter is “pure evil,” but the proof she provides is somewhat lacking.

“When we were kids, he would pick fights with people from other factions and then, when an adult came to break it up, he’d cry and make up some story about how the other kid started it. And of course, they believed him, because we were Candor and we couldn’t lie. Ha ha.”

Yeah yeah, you mean to tell me if Candors can lie this probably means they are also divergent as fuck, but I don’t care about that right now. What I care about is how ridiculously poor evidence this is. This is less evidence than Detective Shelly Graves has on Gideon over in the Entwined with You world, which I’m pretty sure only five of you are keeping up to date with. Don’t worry, there’s really not much to keep up to date with. [Matthew says: How are Candor all lawyers if they can't tell if a fucking preteen is lying or not? No wonder this world's gone to shit. Someone could rob a bank and go, "Wasn't me! I'm Abnegation! We're selfless!" and the police would be like, "Shit. That's watertight."]

If people were deemed “pure evil” simply by being sort of dicks as a kid, I would definitely fall into this same category. One time I stole a ton of money from my parents’ change jar, and then when my mom asked me where I got it from, I told her I had a job. I argued with her for ages over this and got super defensive. She might be shocked when she reads this to find out that I in fact probably didn’t have a job at the time, and if I did, child labor laws were seriously violated. I’m convinced later that Peter is a fucking dick, but not at this point.

It also shocks me that Christina is so open about the fact that Candors actually do in fact lie. Her sarcastic “we were Candor and we couldn’t lie. Ha ha” implies that this is common knowledge and a pretty regular occurrence. If Tris wasn’t even supposed to tell someone that she didn’t pick cheese or a knife, this seems like a pretty major thing to conceal. [Matthew says: Oh, I kind of read this as Peter taking advantage of a social system where everybody blindly assumes everybody follows the only rule they have. Yep, he's a clever one.]

Will and Al continue to fight, and eventually ask the very reasonable question of when the hell the fight is over. Eric (the evil Dauntless leader) and Four (the sexy Dauntless leader) argue over whether or not it’s a fight till someone is knocked out and/or someone surrenders.

“A brave man acknowledges the strength of others,” Four replies.
“A brave man never surrenders.”
Four and Eric stare at each other for a few seconds. I feel like I am looking at two different kinds of Dauntless—the honorable kind, and the ruthless kind.

That sounds pretty fucking divergent to me. I don’t like the smell of this, y’all. [Matthew says: Just in case Tris didn't spell out the subtle themes enough for you with "I am looking at two different kinds of Dauntless", she elaborates further:

Even I know that in this room, it's Eric, the youngest leader of the Dauntless, who has the authority.

Yeah, of course you know that, Tris. It's really easy to know what's going on when people TELL YOU.]

Al winds up knocking Will out, and Four takes Will to the infirmary.

Four leaving makes me nervous. Leaving us with Eric is like hiring a babysitter who spends his time sharpening knives.

So he’s…negligent? Uninterested? Murderous? Starting a cooking class? [Matthew says: Doesn't like cheese?]

Next is Molly vs. Christina, and I really liked this scene. Not because Christina gets the shit beaten out of her, but because it’s actually intense, and it had moments like this:

She punches Molly in the ear, knocking her off-balance, and wriggles free. She comes to her knees, holding her face with one hand. The blood streaming from her nose is thick and dark and covers her fingers in seconds. She screams again and crawls away from Molly. I can tell by the heaving of her shoulders that she’s sobbing, but I can barely hear her over the throbbing in my ears.

Christina surrenders, which Eric doesn’t like at all. He forces a severely weakened Christina to hang onto the ledge over the river. This is all in the pit (aka Dauntless headquarters), so if you are still feeling like you’re on another Host cave tour with Uncle Jeb, I’m with you.

Al is the only one to encourage Christina, and Tris feels pretty guilty about this. It’s another solid scene, and even though I wind up absolutely hating Al later (sorry, spoilers), this scene really made me like him.

Christina swings her arm, fumbling for the railing. No one else cheers her on, but Al brings his big hands together and shouts, his eyes holding hers. I wish I could; I wish I could move, but I just stare at her and wonder how long I have been this disgustingly selfish.

This scene just nails that miserable, horrible feeling of not being able to help someone because you’re terrified yourself. If Tris helps Christina, she risks getting kicked out of Dauntless (being factionless – the horror!), but if Christina falls, Tris loses her friend, someone who has already made her feel safer in a scary situation. [Matthew says: Same. I forgot I was reading a book for the blog during this scene! Until someone said "Faction" again, and then I snapped back to reality with a sad, sorrowful laugh.]

She makes it, though, and Al and Tris help Christina climb back over the rail, thus solidifying their friendships.

Chapter 10

You know, until the chapter where Al has to become the Jacob of this series.

But first we need to establish what an absolute piece of shit Peter is. He spray-paints the word “stiff” all over Tris’ bed. Tris reasonably points out that unless she’s missed something, she hasn’t done anything to offend this dude. But he’s just a mean, nasty person.

Al comes over and helps Tris strip her bedding and tells her not to let Peter get to her. He’s working up to his Jacob-ness, don’t you worry.

The next day, it’s back to teenage fight club (Travis Maddox was pissed he didn’t get the invite), and of course Tris is up against Peter because who else would it be?

Yeah, you tell him Tina-Tris!

Al and Christina’s comforting words basically consist of, “Maybe you’ll get knocked out quickly.” Tris is wounded by her friends’ complete and utter lack of confidence in her. But what they don’t know is that she is divergent as fuck and will preva – oh wait she gets her ass kicked while Four looks on with concern and then eventually storms out? God damn it.

I really feel like this gif captures the essence of this scene.

Tris friends are there when she wakes up in the hospital, and now it’s time for Al to start acting Jacob as fuck.

“And don’t pay attention to Christina. Your face doesn’t look that bad.” He smiles a little. “I mean, it looks good. It always looks good. I mean—you look brave. Dauntless.”

His eyes skirt mine, and he scratches the back of his head. The silence seems to grow between us. It was a nice thing to say, but he acts like it meant more than just the words. I hope I am wrong. I could not be attracted to Al—I could not be attracted to anyone that fragile. I smile as much as my bruised cheek will allow, hoping that will diffuse the tension.

As much as I don’t like Al after finishing the book, I still find this scene really off-putting. It’s totally fine not to be attracted to him, but fragile? During his fight scene last chapter she compared him to a grizzly bear. I get that she heard him crying the other night, but this seems like the wrong word and weirdly mean. [Matthew says: I'm in agreement with Ariel that this scene tries a little too hard to eradicate Tris's potential romantic interest when a simple "I'm not interested" would do. BUT I do like how it fleshes out Tris a little more as kind of shallow and self-centered, but in a believable way as opposed to, as we call it in the industry, a House of Night way.]

Al does go onto explain that he’s intentionally losing fights now so he doesn’t have to hurt anyone, but again, not really fragile so much as not a horrible person. [Matthew says: New biggest mystery is why the hell did Al choose Dauntless.]

They start talking about whether or not they think their families will come visit them on Visiting Day, and Tris thinks about what Visiting Day would look like if she’d stayed in Abnegation:

In less than a week, the Abnegation initiates will be able to visit their families for the first time since the Choosing Ceremony. They will go home and sit in their living rooms and interact with their parents for the first time as adults.

I used to look forward to that day. I used to think about what I would say to my mother and father when I was allowed to ask them questions at the dinner table.

I can’t even begin to imagine what thrilling Abnegation questions she’d finally be able to ask. “How was your day?” “Did you enjoy the weather?” [Matthew says: Ariel, they're not allowed to enjoy the weather. That would be self-centered.]

Tris refuses to cry about missing her family and the pain she’s in physically, and she forces herself to go back to the dorms so Peter won’t have the satisfaction of putting her in the hospital overnight. Go girl!

Were any of you total Peters as a kid, and if so please provide proof in the form of an anecdote.

Chapter 11

Rather badly beaten up from her failure in her first fight that puts her out at the bottom so she must valiantly work hard to make her way to the top (a trope I actually rather appreciate after reading two books of Zoey never failing at anything ever in House of Night) [Ariel says: I think that's one of the reasons I enjoyed this. I love a good underdog story!], Tris takes comfort in the kindness of her friends.

Christina just passes me a muffin and crouches in front of me to tie my shoes. […] Maybe there is some Abnegation in everyone, even if they don’t know it.

So then everyone would be Diverg- oh my god I’m already sick of pointing this out. It’s like Divergent can’t decide if the point is that being Divergent is normal and human or if being Divergent means you’re different (or special) but that’s okay (or special), and then it can’t resist constantly drawing attention to that. [Ariel says: I couldn't agree more. My note for this scene was simply, "EVERYONE IS DIVERGENT AS FUCK, OKAY?"] Let’s read about this muffin instead. I bet that won’t tie into an obligatory deeper analysis of the increasingly stupid Faction system.

The muffin is banana-flavored, with walnuts. My mother baked bread like this once to give it to the factionless, but I never got to try it. I was too old for coddling at that point.

Nope. Everything offers a valuable insight into the underlying mechanisms of the Faction system. Also, dang, even being factionless is starting to sound way better than being Abnegation. Less heavy-handed selflessness, free muffins! [Ariel says: Yeah, everyone keeps acting like being factionless is the worst, but muffins, man!! Banana-flavoured, with walnuts nonetheless. And if you don't want walnuts in yours then you're divergent.]

And that’s basically all you need to know about Abnegation.

Tris gets on the train with some difficulty, because of her injuries, and resident douchebag Peter jokes that she must be “a little… Stiff”. [Ariel says: Immediately following this scene, Peter was offered a full time writing position at Bad Books, Good Times.]  Tris has bigger problems:

Every few seconds, though, my eyes shift back to Four. I don’t know what I expect to see, or what I want to see, if anything. But I do it without thinking.

This reminds me of other things you can do without thinking, like knowing that Tris and Four are totally gonna get together by the end of this book. [Ariel says: Damn, Matt and I highlighted the same exact stuff this chapter. My note here was, "She wants to see his penis," but that was before I remembered this wasn't erotica.] [Matthew adds: Rather unusual for us.]

Four takes the Dauntless initiates to the fence around the city, which we learn the Dauntless only started protecting five years ago. Before that they patrolled the factionless sector. This nice, subtle suggestion that there’s something more ominous might going on we don’t know about yet (cool!) is interrupted by Tris explaining everything to us again.

The lock [to the gate] is on the outside. I bite my lip. Why would they lock the gate from the outside and not the inside? It almost seems like they don’t want to keep something out; they want to keep us in.
I push the thought out of my head. That makes no sense.

Haha, that would just be silly! HA HA.

We learn that almost all of Dauntless ends up with jobs guarding the fence, and sometimes patrols past the fence (ominous!). Even though Four ranked first in his class, he didn’t want a government job (mysterious!). Suddenly, Amity farmers show up on a truck playing banjos (…folksy?).

Tris reunites with Robert, who she didn’t even notice until now also transferred from Abnegation. [Ariel says: He transferred to Amity, though, so she was probably too overwhelmed to keep track of everyone during the ceremony?] [Matthew adds: Oh, yeah, that's totally fair. That's not what I was making fun of. You'll see in a minute.] She wonders if anyone chose the Abnegation this year. Probably everyone who hates muffins. [Matthew says: It was that. I'm really hung up on this muffin thing.]

Robert gives me a sad look. “[Dauntless] don’t seem like nice people.”
“Some of them aren’t.”
“You could go home, you know. I’m sure Abnegation would make an exception for you.”
“What makes you think I want to go home?” […]
“You should be happy.”

At Abnegation? Robert, these are the “we’re too pious to eat muffins” people.

After Robert leaves on the banjo-playin’ Amity truck (really), Four gives Tris some helpful fighting advice.

“You know, if you could just learn to attack first, you might do better.”

Oh, gee, thanks for the advice, Four.

Thaaaaanks.

Chapter 12

The Dauntless initiates are suddenly woken up late at night. Tris and everyone initially panic, but then discover they’re just playing capture the flag with paintball guns in the post-apocalyptic ruins of Chicago. Not gonna lie, this sounds awesome.

“What do we get if we win?” someone shouts.
“Sounds like the kind of question someone not from Dauntless would ask,” says Four, raising an eyebrow. “You get to win, of course.”

So is that guy Divergent or- fuck it. Clearly the idea of people not fitting exactly into one personality type isn’t going to be important while the novel is focusing on the idea of people not fitting exactly into one personality type. But, uh… in a different way.

Four and Eric are captains, and Four surprises everyone by picking Tris first. Tris is immediately pissed off because she knows Four just picked her because she’s the weakest. But then Four picks Christina, Will, and Drew. So obviously he’s-

If Four isn’t trying to prove something by choosing the weak, what is he doing? [...] What do we have in common?

…yeah. Anyway, as I was about to say-

We all share the same body type: narrow shoulders, small frames. All the people on Eric’s team are broad and strong. [...] We will all be faster than Eric’s team.

DAMMIT, TRIS. STOP EXPLAINING EVERYTHING.

Al sadly goes to join the team of proto-Eric douchebags, and the teams split up. Four’s team goes to Navy Pier (the part of Chicago with that carousel, for those of you who could use context) and start arguing about strategy, while Tris does whatever this is supposed to be:

There’s nothing especially brave about wandering dark streets with no flashlight, but we are not supposed to need help, even from light. We are supposed to be capable of anything. I like that. Because there might come a day when there is no flashlight

Following this logic, you could justify drinking a jar of urine every day because someday you could hypothetically have to drink a jar of urine. [Ariel says:Yeah! Like why don't the Dauntless all stop showering too because someday they might not have access to hot water? That actually seems probable in this society. Actually, I'm shocked Abnegation showers as it's probably selfish to use water other people could be using.] LIVE LIKE EVERYTHING SUDDENLY GOT REALLY SHITTY FOR SOME REASON.

Eventually Tris starts doing things that make sense again and realizes she can climb to the top of the carousel to try to look for where the other team is hiding their flag. Four notices what she’s doing and joins her, which means it’s time to meet this chapter’s quota of Four getting Tris all hot and bothered.

Something about him makes me feel like I am about to fall. [Ariel adds: IN LOVE.]

Tris tries not to be distracted by Four’s sexiness and fall to her death, while Four tries to tutor her, asking her what she thinks the point of the exercise is and why the other kids are fucking it up, which is kind of hilarious. At the top of the carousel, they spot the other team’s flag, but Tris gets stuck climbing back down and Four is forced to give away their position by turning the carousel on to bring her back down to safety, which is full of riveting suspense you’re not even remotely getting from this summary.

So here’s a silly gif apropos of nothing

Tris suddenly becomes a master field tactician and leads them to victory. Also paintballs get shot and stuff. Look, what am I supposed to write about a pure action scene? Nothing weirdly catty and out-of-character has happened for a while.

As I run, I realize that only one of us will get to touch the flag, and it won’t matter that it was my plan and my information that got us to it [...]
“Come on, Tris,” [Christina] says. “You’re already the hero of the day. And you know you can’t reach it anyway.”
She gives me a patronizing look [...] I try to forget

Oh, there we go. Thanks for the smooth transition into some Mean Girls shit! [Ariel says: Okay but at least Christina isn't the equivalent of one of Zoey's groupies - I mean, friends.]

Four and some of the other fully-fledged Dauntless congratulate Tris on her success and her strategic smarts. Peter, Other Douchebag, and Other Other Douchebag sit quietly in the corner of the train, humiliated by their defeat from Four’s team of underdogs despite being on Eric’s team of physical strength.

So this is basically Eric’s character motivation from here on out.

Previously, the Fifty Shades movie trailer came out, and our blog “detonated” with activity as though it had turned into Anastasia Steele herself.

Also Eva’s dad found out about Eva’s history of sexual abuse and decided to come visit to talk things out.

Chapter 12

Determined to convince her dad that everything in her life is a-okay, Eva takes him to a Krav Maga class with her to blow off some steam. [Matthew says: As you do.]

I turned to watch, seeing my father wrestling with the instructor who was twice his size, and my dad wasn’t a small guy. Standing over six feet tall and weighing in at two hundred pounds of solid, rippling muscle, Victor Reyes was a formidable opponent.

It is really unsettling how Eva describes her parents like one might have described a character from Baywatch back in the day. Just to warn you, her description of her father only gets weirder later. This is just the prologue to the creepiness that ensues later.

On a less creepy but incredibly stupid note, here’s how Eva describes her Krav Maga instructor to us:

Parker was easygoing and had a great smile, and was genuine in a way that I’d rarely come across. But he had an air about him that warned people to tread carefully. One knew right away that it would be stupid to try to pull anything over on him. His street smarts were as obvious as his tribal tattoos.

You can’t tell someone has street smarts just by looking at them, obvious tribal tattoos or not. That would be like saying you could just tell someone was an amazing artist just by looking at their paint-covered overalls. I mean she had an air about her like she could really paint a mean portrait. [Matthew says: Ironically, the tribal tattoos would probably make it more obvious to me that he's probably quite a douche.]

After Krav Maga, Eva and her dad have a heart to heart in the car, and it’s actually very sweet and sad. Until the last line of the scene that is.

Leaning across the console, he hugged me. We sat in the car for a long time, crying. Getting it out.

Was Gideon watching the security feeds, sending me silent support? It gave me comfort to think he might be.

Comfort or a chill down your spine? It’s hard to choose. [Matthew says: I just realized this book (and the others like it) remind me a lot of my favorite Cyanide and Happiness cartoon, except the books take the concept seriously.]

Knowing Gideon, he is not only watching this scene, but actually hiding in the car too.

Later that night, Eva heads out to dinner with Cary and her father. The conversation quickly shifts from Cary’s confusing and stupid love life (seriously, every time they talk about this Tatiana woman he’s seeing she sounds completely horrendous), to Eva’s father’s lack of a love life. [Matthew says: Wait wait wait. Cary is even doing stuff in this book?]

That was by his choice. I’d seen how women acted around him—they fell all over themselves trying to get his attention. My dad was hot, with an amazing body, gorgeous face, and Latin sensuality.

I can’t read this paragraph without wanting to barf. Which is more cringe, describing her father as though she wants to sleep with him or using the term “Latin sensuality”? I’m so serious about wanting to know your thoughts, I’m creating a mother fucking poll right here, right now.

Boring things with minor characters happen. Eva sees Corinne talking to Gideon, and Corinne tries to kiss Gideon. But Eva is totes secure in their relationship now, so this won’t deter her from banging Gideon in the next few pages. Thank god. [Matthew says: That was the one thing I was genuinely worried would stop happening in this novel!]

Basically, Eva is in the elevator, and it stops on the 10th floor but no one gets out.  The innocent elevator bystanders are unable to get the elevator moving again until Eva realizes that Gideon is behind this and that she’s supposed to get off. [Matthew says: And how ;) ] God, they’re such assholes!

He was dressed as he’d been that very first day I’d met him. At the time, I’d wanted to climb up his scrumptious body and screw him senseless.

All these weeks later, that hadn’t changed.

Weeks. Not even months. Weeks. I should hope you still want to have sex with your boyfriend after weeks of dating him. This isn’t something to be in awe about, it’s like saying that you’re amazed and thrilled that your new fridge still works a week after purchasing it.

This gif perfectly captures the progression of Eva and Gideon’s relationship.

Sex is had, [Matthew says: THERE'S a motherfucking pull quote!] and things are going okay aside from the usual:

“Gideon pulled my hips to the very edge of the sofa with my legs on either side of him, exposing my cleft to his gaze. “So tell me what’s got this pretty cunt so greedy today.”

I get that if there weren’t lines like this, I wouldn’t be writing about this book, but why does every sex scene have to contain something about Eva’s greedy cunt? It is some of the nastiest imagery I’ve ever read, and I can’t believe that no editor felt the same. Is Day just like convinced that this description is integral to the plot or Gideon’s characterisation  at this point? [Matthew says: This is in my personal top three least-believable things about Crossfire, so you know what? Now it's my turn to create a motherfucking poll right here right now:]

The chapter ends with a perplexing moment that I don’t understand:

Gideon cupped my face in his hands and kissed me, our flavors mingling. “Thank you.”

“What are you thanking me for? You did all the work.”

“There’s no work involved in fucking you, angel.” His slow smile was pure satiated male. “I’m grateful for the privilege.”

I sank back onto my heels. “You’re killing me. You can’t be that gorgeous and sexy and say stuff like that. It’s overload. It fries my brain. Sends me into a meltdown.”

Is that…supposed to be super romantic? I would understand if Eva’s reaction were to chuckle at Gideon’s silly comment, but to be moved by it seems a bit extreme. Maybe I’m missing something and most women dream of the day when they find a man who says, “Fucking you is just so easy!”

Previously, on Pamela, the Master finally gave up and let Pamela go home to her family.

Day 47

Haha just kidding.

“In vain, my Pamela, do I find it to struggle against my affection for you. I must needs, after you were gone, venture to entertain myself with your Journal”

[Ariel says: So I guess at least one person really does find Pamela's journal entertaining.] The Master sends Colbrand (AKA the muscle) with a letter explaining that he changed his mind and thinks there is a hope for their love, because – get this – he decided to read the rest of her journal, and then he learned the rest of what happened!

Even worse, the Master is so sad that Pamela’s gone, that he got sick. And now you know how old that trope is. He begs her to return to him, because he’s “sure you’ll excuse the trouble I give you” since he has “for good reasons, changed his mind”. Given that this “trouble” was an obsessed man who kidnapped and repeatedly sexually assaulted her, Pamela considers the notion of willingly returning to him and obviously-

O my exulting heart! How it throbs in my bosom

Even in old timey English, this doesn’t sound good.

Should I go back, or should I not?

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Is it not too great a trust? Especially considering how I have been used! [...] But now he gives great hope

My dear parents, I wish I could consult you for your opinions

Pamela: A girl is confused about whether she’s in love with a man who kidnapped her, and only wishes she could get her parents’ advice. [Ariel says: Tale as old as time.] 

“I am resolved to return to our master [and] the more haste you make, the better.”

Days 48-49

Against all comprehensible reason, Pamela returns to the Master, who is seriously ill. Until Pamela gets there, because of course.

“You need not, Mrs. Jewkes,” added he, “send for the doctor [...] for this lovely creature is my doctor”

And now you know how old that cliché is.

So now that Pamela and the Master are happily together and my Kindle’s only at the 49% mark, what could the second half of the book possibly be about? Per usual, we can figure it out by looking at Pamela‘s modern day carbon copy:

Yeah, I said it, ACADEMIA!

And then not even remotely altering it.

The Master reveals that his sister wrote him a scathing letter criticizing him of degrading his honor with his pursuit of the lower-class Pamela.

Could I think, that a brother of mine would so meanly run away with my late dear mother’s waiting-maid, and keep her a prisoner from all her friends?

Okay, that part’s totally on the money. Now it gets kinda unfair:

Consider, brother, that ours is no upstart family; but is as ancient as the best in the kingdom [and] the heirs of it have [never] disgraced themselves by unequal matches. [...] I, and all mine, will renounce you for ever, if you can descend so meanly; and I shall be ashamed to be called your sister.

Pamela ponders the absurdity of people acting like they’re just better than other people.

Poor souls! How do I pity their pride! O keep me, Heaven, from [...] my mind ever be[ing] tainted with their vice!

Good job, Pamela.

But these aren’t important matters, because LOVE, which the Master and Pamela celebrate by going on a carriage ride from which Pamela remembers an entire 18 pages worth of repetitive conversation verbatim. Jesus, I just had a ten second conversation with my roommate and I couldn’t begin to tell you a single word of it. [Ariel says: The Fifty Shades version of this is the helicopter ride. Modern!] 

The Master explains that his plan is to gradually make the world accept his and Pamela’s love, because “gradually” is exactly how we wanted the plot of the second half of this book to turn out. So this means it’s the same crap we’ve already seen before, seen again here, which will be seen many more times to come. Pamela wonders briefly about whether the Master really loves her. Pamela and the Master argue about Pamela acting above her social class. The Master kisses Pamela more than Pamela would like him to. You know, the usual.

The Master brings up a decent point (given the historical context) that it might be unfair to Pamela if she married into a society where everybody hates her. Pamela offers another good counterpoint: she doesn’t have a life anyway. Pamela explains that she’ll spend her time:

• Managing “the family economy”, aka doing the Master’s taxes
• Visiting the sick and the poor
• Doing housework
• Cooking
• Writing, because of course
• God, because God
• Waiting for him to come home

“With all this, sir,” said I, “can you think I shall be at a loss to pass my time?”

Well, Pamela, you got him there.

There’s also this, just in case you thought this story might still be about Pamela:

“My greatest concern will be for the rude jests you will have yourself to encounter with, for this stooping beneath yourself.”

Because you were WRONG ABOUT THAT.

Pamela also mentions the gypsy’s letter, warning her of a sham marriage. The Master reads the letter, realizes it was written by one of his servants admits he did have such a plot but couldn’t go through with it.

“I did not in haste intend you the mortification of being undeceived; so that we might have lived for years, very lovingly together”

Wait, what. How is this different from… what?

This sums up my reaction to literally anything the Master does in this book.

The day ends with Pamela and Mrs. Jewkes deciding they’re friends now, because why the fuck not.

Matthew says: Last week the Fifty Shades of Grey movie trailer was released into the world like a physically disabled fledgling bird being tossed out of the nest. Bringing you all the Fifty Shades of Grey movie news in a timely manner, okay fine let’s talk about this trailer:

On the Actors:

Ariel says: I think they made a good choice with Ana, but not so much with Christian. I get that no one in the world is attractive to everyone, but I don’t think Jamie Dornan captures the enthralling, insanely handsome man that Christian is supposed to be. I know, I know that Universally Beloved Ryan Gosling wouldn’t have been caught dead in this role, but Jamie Dornan is just…okay. When Ana describes him as intimidating, I just don’t see it as he blandly delivers lines like, “I am” or “I exercise control over all things, Miss Steele” which are very clearly meant to be intense and sexy.

Matthew says: Was this shit ever intense and sexy? Fifty Shades has always been an exercise in laughing at how bad people’s taste can be. Okay, having said that I guess I’ll actually watch the trailer. (Fifteen seconds later) Oh my God, I just can’t with this shit. I can’t even hear them say three sentences without pausing it. What the fuck’s up with that piano? That’s straight up horror movie piano. If I hadn’t read the book, I’d be 100% convinced this Mr. Grey fellow has already died due to mysterious circumstances and Ana was getting into some supernatural spooky murdertimes. (Clicks “play” button again) Oh, I see I stopped it just before the snare drum. I clearly misunderstood the tone. (Watches another thirty seconds) Oh my God, I’m getting into the real meat of the acting and I’m getting flashbacks to how terrible this book was. “There’s not much to me! Nervous laugh! I mean, look at me! Nervous laugh! I’m uncomfortable with myself even though I’m apparently comfortable enough to draw attention with a baiting line like that! Nervous laugh!” You guys don’t really want us to watch this movie, do you? I haven’t even seen Christian Grey yet and Ana’s already made it impossible to watch this trailer.

Ariel says: Okay to be fair I’m a bit concerned about Ana too. When she says, “It must be really boring,” there is not even a hint of…anything in her voice. I’m worried that the whole film will consist of one tone of voice for her. On the other hand, I’m relieved that they seem to have stripped the film of any of her inner thoughts. You know, the ones that only consist of, “Holy crap,” “jeez,” and, “my poor Fifty.”

Matthew says: If there’s anything that will save this movie, it’ll be eliminating as much of E.L. James’s writing as possible. It’s interesting that Ariel initially commented that they cast Ana well, and then took it back. Possibly because she remembered that a broom wearing a wig would have been an equally convincing casting decision for Ana. (Has finally watched enough of trailer to see Jamie Dornan’s Christian Grey) Okay, you know what? I’m going to take the unpopular route and say that Jamie’s doing a way better job than Dakota Johnson is. Dakota clearly took so many lessons from the Kristin Stewart/Bella Swann class of acting that I’m having a genuinely hard time noticing when she’s actually in the shot. I get that her character is shy, but there’s a difference between “I am shy” and “I find your carpet fascinating.” At least Jamie is… making the same face in every scene. Yep, I guess that’s actually what it took to exceed my expectations for this trailer. People making faces. Sorry. Face.

On the Selected Scenes: 

Ariel says: It was a really good call the open the trailer with their meeting/the way Ana described their meeting, I thought that was a nice touch. In a way, though, it added to the overall sinister vibe I kept getting from the trailer. Even the people who made this movie subconsciously realized this was just a horror film waiting to happen. To the point where this version of Crazy in Love isn’t seductive or sexy but foreboding. Like he’s so crazy in love he’s gonna kill her. Not got me looking so crazy in love I’m happy and our relationship is enviable. 

Matthew says: I think that was less of an artistic decision to start with that scene and more their only option, because nothing ever happens in this book.

Ariel says: I also laughed out loud (loled if you will) when I saw that they’d chosen brief glimpses of the Jose-attempted-kiss-and-or-rape scene and one of the many Christian-plays-piano-in-the-moonlight scenes. Thus reminding me that somewhere out there are fans who legitimately adored those scenes.

Matthew says: I liked the quick shot of the sexual assault scene, because it gave me faith that this film will be as badly choreographed and staged as I ever hoped it would be. It wouldn’t do James’s rudimentary writing justice if we couldn’t get amateurish camerawork to match it! Christian runs in, but comes in too quickly and awkwardly shuffles onto his mark. That poor actor who plays Jose. I still can’t believe that the one not-white character in this fucking story sexually assaults the main character and then leaves the plot forever, and no one talks about this.

Ariel says: The fact that I immediately recognised these scenes also serves as a sobering reminder that I read and blogged about each and every chapter of these books.

Oh. And of course the fucking helicopter scene made it in there despite the fact that it doesn’t fit the background music at all.

Matthew says: I can’t even tell these stupid scenes apart after the interview because these books are the same thing over and over again. There’s the piano scene. Okay. Which piano scene? I really wanna know how long this movie’s runtime is. I just know it’s going to go over two hours, and I’ll just sit here, baffled, thinking, “Two hours of what?” The book was never edited. I don’t see why the movie would be.

Final Thoughts: 

Ariel says: It’s really hard to look at this objectively, but if you erased my memory and I went into this knowing nothing about the book, I wouldn’t take a second look at this movie. There would be nothing about it that intrigues me or that stands out. The only thing it has going for it is the hype around the book.

Matthew says: Hey, guys, have you picked up on my utter disdain for this entire thing yet? Rather than just launch into my final thoughts on the Fifty Shades trailer, I’d like you guys to watch (or skim) this trailer first:

That was the trailer for the movie Endless Love, which came out earlier this year. Notice anything similar about it? The creepy, haunting piano music, even though it’s a love story? The male character wearing his emotionally tormented past on his sleeve in comparison to a female character who’s just… there? The clear confusion between “seductive” and “predatory”? White people making the same face to convey every single emotion? The first time I saw this trailer, my immediate response was wondering why Christian Grey was working at a country club.

Technically Endless Love came before the Fifty Shades movie, but it came after the Fifty Shades book. The damage has already been done. There are Fifty Shades impersonators predating Fifty Shades. That’s a really impressive degree of fucked for our culture to be at right now.

But it’s okay. Because as long as we have shitty culture, we will have people making fun of shitty culture. So bring on even more Fifty Shades and its portrayals of emotional abuse as passion, flat dialogue as seductive, and mental illness as something that love can cure. I want so much Fifty Shades of Grey, I want George Lucas to rerelease it in a few decades and change it so Ana shoots first.

Ariel says: We want to know what you guys think. Will it be better than the books (a seemingly easy feat) or will it somehow be worse than the books (a huge achievement in a way)?

Apparently enough people looked at this blog (and possibly read it) that we’ve somehow reached a million hits.

http://mashable.com/2013/01/29/30-rock-greatest-gifs-pics/

I think we can all collectively says, “The fuck?” A small portion of us are also thinking, “Yay!” While the vast majority are thinking, “I was just googling Fifty Shades Anal and was seriously disappointed when I landed on this blog.”

Matt and I have had, and are continuing to have, an incredible time on BBGT and with all of you amazing people who take the time to read and comment. I hope you know how much we love you and how excited we get when we see notifications that you’ve left a comment or liked one of our posts. YOU’RE THE REAL STARS!

But I think we really owe the biggest thank you to EL James. Without Fifty Shades, our friends who were reading Fifty Shades, and a little pub in Norwich, England we never would have started this blog!

In a parallel universe, there is a Matt and Ariel who never even heard of House of Night or Beautiful/Walking Disaster. I know you’d think I would wish that I’d never heard of these books, but I can’t imagine my life without idiots like Christian Grey, Anastasia Steele, Abby Abernanthy, Travis Maddox, Eva Trammel, Gideon Cross, Cary Whats-His-Face,Zoey Redbird, Zoey’s bland friends, Melerer, Uncle Jeb and more. In a way, I probably love these characters more than the people who actually like these books because Matt and I have spent so much time on all of them.

Yes, I said it. I probably love Zoey Redbird more than people who actually like her for unknown reasons. Because these characters are part of the BBGT family, god damn it!

Man, I was going to fill this post with snark and quotes from the shitty comments people have left here…but I can’t. I’m too damn sentimental! Thank you all for reading whether you genuinely are part of our amazing community or found us by mistake when you were searching for information about Christian Grey’s penis.

Previously, Tris won Capture the Flag/Dauntless Paintball/Vampire Baseball. And possibly Four’s heart. Okay, definitely Four’s heart.

Chapter 13

There’s no more time for fun and games, now it’s time for some badass knife throwing with our favourite knife-sharpening babysitter Eric:

“Tomorrow will be the last day of stage one,” Eric says. “You will resume fighting then. Today, you’ll be learning how to aim. Everyone pick up three knives.” His voice is deeper than usual. “And pay attention while Four demonstrates the correct technique for throwing them.

Tris and Christina note that Eric seems to be in an extra bad mood today.

Judging by the poisonous look Eric gives Four when he isn’t paying attention, last night’s loss must have bothered Eric more than he let on. Winning capture the flag is a matter of pride, and pride is important to the Dauntless. More important than reason or sense.

People like Eric (and apparently most of Dauntless?) are just the worst. He’s like that guy who relives his high school glory days like, “I remember when I was quarterback and won the game against our rival school!” Except he’ll be like, “This badass game of capture the flag was amazing!!! Go Dauntless!!!” I’m not sure who the Dauntless mascot would be, but they’d probably force him to jump from stupid heights in a massive costume just to prove he was the most badass mascot. [Matthew says: So a lemming? We've somehow reached the point where we've decided that the best Dauntless mascot would be a lemming.]

Abnegation’s mascot would clearly be Eeyore, no question.

As the initiates practice their knife throwing skills (or lack thereof), incredibly lame banter is exchanged.

“Hey, Stiff! Remember what a knife is?”
Ignoring him, I practice the throw again with a knife in hand but don’t release it. I shut out Eric’s pacing, and Peter’s jeering, and the nagging feeling that Four is staring at me, and throw the knife. It spins end over end, slamming into the board. The blade doesn’t stick, but I’m the first person to hit the target.
I smirk as Peter misses again. I can’t help myself.
“Hey, Peter,” I say. “Remember what a target is?”

[Matthew says: My favorite part of this scene is how, on top of his defeat, Eric has to listen to these goddamn teenagers exchange terrible insults first thing in the morning.]

More shitty banter ensues when Al gets on Eric’s bad side and is forced to stand in front of a target while Four throws knifes around his head. [Matthew says: Remember, everybody wanted to be here, for some reason.] Tris, of course, volunteers as tribute in Al’s place. It’s not that I don’t like, in fact Tris makes a great point about how that doesn’t prove you’re brave. It’s just the fact that Veronica Roth isn’t even trying to write witty banter:

“There goes your pretty face,” hisses Peter. “Oh, wait. You don’t have one.”

As Four throws knifes at Tris, he tries to get her to let someone else take her place. And then when she refuses, he purposefully nicks her ear. This scene has always annoyed me because it feels like yet another book where the male love interest has to show that he’s right or prove a point.

“You did that on purpose!” I shout.
“Yes, I did,” he says quietly. “And you should thank me for helping you.”
I grit my teeth. “Thank you? You almost stabbed my ear, and you spent the entire time taunting me. Why should I thank you?”
“You know, I’m getting a little tired of waiting for you to catch on!”

I still don’t know what Tris is supposed to catch onto. The fact that he’s on her side? The fact that he’s right? The fact that he wants to bone her? All of the above? [Matthew says: Whoa whoa whoa- all of the above? That sounds... DIVERGENT!]

Before walking away, Four is like, “If I wanted to hurt you, don’t you think I would have already?”

I guess we’re supposed to be like, “Oh, snap,” but writing snappy dialogue does not seem to be Roth’s strong suit this chapter. Just have Tris keep pointing out how little sense the Dauntless make. That was working well this chapter.

Chapter 14

Tris wakes up and informs us that it’s the day before visiting day, which means that’s what Matt gets to write about tomorrow! [Matthew says: Because I always get the "parents visit their kids at school" chapters.] She also informs us that she has muscles now even though she’s been in Dauntless training for only a few days now. [Matthew says: This teenager found this one weird trick to build muscle fast! Doctors hate her! Actually, wait, hasn't Tris just been getting the shit beaten out of her this whole time? Not only did she build all this muscle in no time, she did it by not exercising.]

A really creepy scene ensues where Human Dingleberry Peter leers at Tris, and she knows something nasty is about to go down. [Matthew says: Surprise! It's the obligatory sexual assault scene! Every story must have one because REALISM!]

“Didn’t realize you were so skinny, Stiff.”
“Get away from me.” My voice is somehow steady.
“This isn’t the Hub, you know. No one has to follow a Stiff’s orders here.” His eyes travel down my body, not in the greedy way that a man looks at a woman, but cruelly, scrutinizing every flaw. I hear my heartbeat in my ears as the others inch closer, forming a pack behind Peter.
This will be bad.
I have to get out of here.

Henchwoman Molly starts pointing out that Tris looks like a child, and Henchman Drew says they should have a look under her towel. When Tris is trying to escape the room, of course one of them pulls her towel off. Ashamed, Tris runs to the bathroom and hides. Don’t worry, she was holding a dress when she ran out of the room, so she’s not trapped in a weird sitcom trope or anything like that.

I’ll talk a bit more about this in the future, but one of my favourite things about this book was how Roth plays on Tris physical weaknesses while also emphasising her power (note: I will not say her power comes from being Divergent because shut the fuck up). Tris is clever, but because of her physical constraints, she often has to rely on other people and even uses this to her advantage in the book. What I like most about Tris isn’t that she is a genius or has inexplicable physical prowess. She knows how to work with what she has and uses it to gain an advantage against shitty people like the Douchebag Squad.

I completely believed that this scene would be a moment where Tris decides that she wants to fuck these people up, and I’m with her. [Matthew says: Me too! Tris came out all "I want to make them feel pain" and I was all "Yeah! A character's going to get their shit rocked and it's finally someone I'm SUPPOSED to want to see get their shit rocked!"]

Later, more fighting. Tris wants to fight against Peter again, but she has to settle for Henchwoman Molly instead.

Molly stands across from me.
“Was that a birthmark I saw on your left butt cheek?” she says, smirking. “God, you’re pale, Stiff.”
She’ll make the first move. She always does.

My note when I first read this: I can already tell this is going to be the most satisfying scene ever – I just want Tris to beat the ever loving shit out of Molly. I want it to be like The Fight Club scene where Ed Norton beats the shit out of Jared Leto’s face. [Matthew says: Oh my God, Ariel, why are you psychic? I looked for that gif for tomorrow's post for forever.]

I agree Ariel of the past, I agree.

Tris elbows Molly in the fucking face. YEAH!

Molly gets some hits in too, but I don’t care.

As she gasps, I sweep-kick her legs out from under her, [Matthew says: This scene is fucking awesome, but when the shit did Tris learn how to do a sweep-kick?] and she falls hard on the ground, sending dust into the air. I pull my foot back and kick as hard as I can at her ribs.
My mother and father would not approve of my kicking someone when she’s down.

Well no fucking shit, Tris. Your parents didn’t approve of you asking a question at the dinner table, so why on Earth would we think that they’d approve of you “kicking someone when she’s down” let alone kicking them in the first place? Literally no one reading this book (or this blog) was thinking, “You know what, I know we’ve read that Abnegation doesn’t approve of artwork or mirrors or dinner table conversation, but what about kicking?”

[Matthew says: This is what I want Tris's parents to be, but nooooo, they have to focus on the evils of baked goods.]

I pull my foot back again, but Four’s hands clamp around my arms, and he pulls me away from her with irresistible force. I breathe through gritted teeth, staring at Molly’s blood-covered face, the color deep and rich and beautiful, in a way.

Fuck off, Four! Molly is getting what is coming to her, and you are ruining it for all of us! Tris is being weird and creepy about Molly’s bloody face, it’s awesome!

“I’m fine,” I say. “I’m fine now,” I say again, this time for myself.
I wish I could say I felt guilty for what I did.
I don’t.

Before this scene I still thought Tris was basically a human Wanderer from The Host, but in this scene I realized she was so much more! [Matthew says: She's a human Wanderer from The Host, except she also kind of wants to kill people! She's the Seeker! Wait, that's not better. Let me think about this.]

Given we all weren’t sure about whether or not Abnegations could kick people, down or not, what burning questions do you have about each faction and what they can or can’t do?