Chapter 15

Tris changes in the dorm once she checks that Peter and Drew aren’t there, because as long as they’re not there, she has the confidence to be partly-clothed in the dorm now that she beat the shit out of some kid.

Whatever works!

Eric announces that it is a very special day in their post-apocalyptic, anti-individual, hivemind dystopia founded on dividing society into largely impermeable, warring schisms: the day of happy family reunions! [Ariel says: Imagine if in The Hunger Games the games were paused so everyone could have a family visit. Excuse me, let me stop fighting for my life to tell my mom I'm definitely eating enough vegetables and to please not look under my bed if I die even though there are definitely no porn mags under there.]

Lest this seem sort of out of character for the world of Divergent, Eric assures us that it’s not all tits and rainbows:

“We also take the phrase ‘faction before blood’ very seriously here. Attachment to your family suggests you aren’t entirely pleased with your faction, which would be shameful.”

[Ariel says: So why even HAVE the family reunion day for transfers? So people can sit coldly across from each other, or so Dauntless can use this as a way of determining who doesn't belong with them?] [Matthew adds: I guess this would make more sense for the other Factions, except sort of not, because don't most of them hate each other?]

Even worse, Eric then compliments Tris on her fight yesterday, and says that he underestimated her. Tris doubts herself and wonders if she did wrong, since Eric thinks she did something right. She then doubts herself on whether her parents – who are unlikely to show up – will approve of her risque Dauntless clothing. She then sees Peter with his Candor parents and doubts her very identity.

Do they know what kind of person their son is? Then again… what kind of person am I?

In case you were still uncertain if this might be one of the novel’s themes. [Ariel says: My favourite theme is simply that Peter is a massive pile of shit who deserves to be beaten. Former English majors can always identify the most important themes.] 

Tris studies one of the Dauntless families (which answers my “where are all the non-rebellious teenager Dauntless?” question.)

They still look strange to me— a mother with a pierced eyebrow, a father with a tattooed arm, an initiate with purple hair, a wholesome family unit.

Tris sees an even stranger sight: her mother! She shows up all out of place in her modest Abnegation clothing, and sadly explains 1) nobody is visiting Caleb because Erudite-Abgenation tensions have escalated and Erudite has banned any Abnegation visitors (It’s almost like dividing society into largely impermeable factions to prevent conflict doesn’t make any sense. Almost!), and 2) why Tris’s dad refused to come.

“Your father has been selfish lately. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, I promise.”

[Ariel says: It just means he, like most other people, is probably really bad at being in Abnegation.]

Then her mom spots Four and this chapter gets to the good stuff.

“There’s one of my instructors.” I lean closer to her and say, “He’s kind of intimidating.”
“He’s handsome,” she says.

Tris’s mom strikes up a conversation with Four and young adult fiction, motherfuckers!

I can’t believe I finally got a chance to use this gif. And that it was for Divergent.

Four awkwardly interacts with Tris’s mom. Perhaps too awkwardly.

The [handshake] is unnatural for both of them. No, Four was not originally Dauntless if he doesn’t shake hands easily.

Tris can figure that out, but can’t pick up on this:

“Your daughter is doing well here. I’ve been overseeing her training.”
Since when does “overseeing” include throwing knives at me and scolding me at every opportunity?

Or on this:

[My mom] isn’t reacting the way some of the other transfers’ parents are [...] looking around at the Pit [...] Of course she isn’t curious – she’s Abnegation. Curiosity is foreign to her.

Things get more obvious that maybe everyone isn’t who they seem to be.

She tilts her head. “You look familiar for some reason, Four.”
“I can’t imagine why,” he replies

Neither can I. So I guess Four used to be Abnegation. [Ariel says: Nooooooooo you don't say?]

Because otherwise there’s literally no reason why this line of dialogue would- yes, it’s Chekhov with guns and that’s the joke.

After Tris’s mom stops totally embarrassing her in front of Four, Tris sees Al’s parents from Candor looking for him, but Al is nowhere to be seen. Al’s mom thinks this book is as stupid as I do.

“Why aren’t there any railings along those paths? Are you all insane?” [...]
“Insane, no,” I say. “Dauntless, yes.”

They then have a more uncomfortable encounter with Will’s older sister, who takes one look at Tris’s mom and accuses her of hoarding food through a sham volunteer agency “helping” the factionless. I might care about this if I had any understanding of why everyone hates Abnegation so much. Everybody in the book, that is. I know why Ariel and I hate Abnegation, sure, but I doubt the entire population of post-apocalypse Chicago is really all that torn up by Abnegation’s refusal to eat muffins. [Ariel says: It is kind of suspicious because those muffins sounded delicious!]

Tris’s mom doesn’t have time for this shit and takes Tris away to actually deal with the plot.

She takes a sharp left turn and walks down one of the dark hallways I haven’t explored yet.
“Mom,” I say. “Mom, how do you know where you’re going?”

Tris’s mom asks Tris about her ranking in Dauntless training and her aptitude test results, because Tris’s mom ain’t got time for this shit. Tris says she’s near the bottom, and her mom says this is good because “no one looks too closely at the bottom”, because this book is clearly making up what’s logical as it goes. Tris confides that her results were inconclusive after a dramatic half-page of dilemma, and her mom explains that many children raised Abnegation get that result (but we’re apparently not going to worry about the implications of that) [Ariel says: No, I'm going to worry about that. Being in the most boring faction ever leads to being divergent as fuck apparently] and that she has to not draw attention to herself. She then asks her to visit Caleb at Erudite after initiation, since she can’t do it herself, but refuses to explain why, like most of the things in this book pertaining to the plot.

“I want you to go find him and tell him to research the simulation serum. Okay? Can you do that for me?”
“Not unless you explain some of this to me, Mom!”

Yeah, mom. I get that this is a mystery for now and that’s fine, but why do we get a billion and a half explanations of how Eric is a bad Dauntless whereas Four is a good Dauntless, yet suddenly a plot device is mentioned without context and we’re just supposed to accept that whatever it is is important? Tris’s mom might as well have told Tris to investigate the Gloopenglobin, because that means just as much to us. [Ariel says: I am significantly more interesting in this made-up plot.]

A plot device is a plot device is a plot device is a plot device is a plot device.

Even after all of those clues, Tris still has no idea that her mom used to be Dauntless until…

“Have a piece of cake for me, all right? The chocolate. It’s delicious.” [...]
My mother was Dauntless.

Seriously, what is it with Abnegation and food? [Ariel says: I just love that chocolate cake is the catalyst for a "major" reveal.]

Previously, Eva’s dad came to visit, which of course meant Eva talked about how sexy he was and made it awkward for those of us who are adverse to describing our parents this way.

Chapter 13

After talking to Megumi about ending her current relationship with a character even more minor than Megumi herself, Eva invites her over to her apartment after work to meet her dad and go out for dinner.

You know how these things go, though. You invite a friend over to meet your dad, and you run into your mom coming out of the guest bedroom, wearing your clothes…your makeup…freshly showered…and then you realize that your mother, who is currently married to someone else, has just had a quickie with your dad. So then you ask your friend to leave because, you know, awkward situation and all. [Matthew says: I have no idea what the most troubling part of this is.] Then to top off a truly uncomfortable situation, you do this:

“Megumi, would you mind sharing a cab with my mom? I’m sorry to flake on you, but I’m suddenly not feeling well.”

“Oh, sure.” She searched my face and I could see her picking up on my change of mood. “No problem.”

That sounds like the worst cab ride in the history of the world, and I’m sure somewhere out there someone got trapped with Justin Bieber in a cab at least once. [Matthew says: I once heard a woman call in to a radio show to talk about having to sit next to Carrot Top on a plane once. This might top that.]

Finally alone with her father, Eva tells him what’s what.

My dad came after me. “Eva, wait.”

“I don’t want to talk to you right now.”

“Don’t be childish about this.”

“Excuse me?” I rounded on him. “My stepdad pays for this apartment. He wanted me to have a place with great security so I’d be safe from Nathan. [Matthew says: Given that her dad didn't know about her past sexual assault until a few days ago, this seems like a KIND OF A DICK MOVE?] Were you thinking about that when you were fucking his wife?”

“Watch your mouth. You’re still my daughter.”

“You’re right. And you know what?” I backed up toward the hallway. “I’ve never been ashamed about that until now.”

After a scene like that, you’d think it would take at least another chapter for Eva to work this out with her dad. Maybe even a few chapters if there was ever any evidence that Sylvia Day was concerned about realistic timelines.

All it takes though, is a five second scene with Cary to have Eva decide to go make peace with her dad before he heads back home. Seriously, this is wrapped up in a matter of pages when it was actually one of the few legitimate conflicts I’ve ever seen in this series. [Matthew says: By this point, this series's only legitimate conflict is that it's still a series.]

Apparently there are more pressing matters at hand, like the fact that we’ve all forgotten Eva is going to her ex-boyfriend’s music video premier. We’ve also all forgotten that music videos are still important to some people.

Eva informs Brett that Cary is coming to the event, and she’s surprised when he seems less than enthused

“I thought you liked Cary.”

Said no one ever before this moment.

“I do, but not as much as I like having you to myself. How about we compromise and agree that Cary comes to the launch and you come to dinner alone?”

“All right.” I figured it wouldn’t hurt to make the situation easier for Gideon to deal with by picking a restaurant he owned. “How about I make the reservation?”

Or, or, walk with me, Eva just could bring Cary to dinner anyway. Or, walk with me for a moment longer, Eva could just not go to this thing at all.

Eva bumps into Megumi again to further discuss her love life because apparently Megumi’s love life is more of an important piece of the story than Eva’s drama with her parents.

Laughing, I headed back to my cubicle. I had other things to do besides referee someone else’s love life.

Like resolve a very important conflict with your parents? [Matthew says: Like break up with her emotionally abusive boyfriend? Like get the help for her mental health that she seriously needs? Like break up with her boyfriend who murdered someone? For her? I got a billion of these; I could go all day.]

Mark was juggling several accounts at once, with three campaigns rolling into the final stages. Creatives were at work and mock-ups were slowly making their way across his desk. That was my favorite part—seeing all the strategizing come together.

No, I guess figuring out how to advertise blueberry-flavoured coffee is more important. That must be one of the campaigns Eva is referring to considering barely any time has passed since she first started working. I must know what happens with the blueberry coffee damn it! Too many unanswered questions.

By ten o’clock, Mark and I were deep into debating the various approaches to a divorce attorney’s ad campaign. We were trying to find the right mix of sympathy for a difficult time in a person’s life and the most prized qualities of a lawyer—the ability to be cunning and ruthless.

“I’m never going to need one of these,” he said, somewhat out of the blue. [Matthew says: Why the shit is this the one line of dialogue that gets a "somewhat out of the blue" in this book? Has Sylvia Day reread a single conversation she's written in any of these books?]

“No,” I replied, once my brain caught up to the fact that he was talking about divorce attorneys. “You never will. I’m dying to congratulate Steven at lunch. I’m really so thrilled for you two.”

Mark’s grin exposed his slightly crooked teeth, which I thought were cute. “I’ve never been happier.”

What a weird and unsettling way to drop that into conversation. Given the next line jumps to another scene entirely, why was this even included in this part of the story? To remind us that Mark is getting married? To reassure us that Mark and his future husband don’t think they’ll be getting divorced?

Can you imagine how weird it would be if you were talking to someone about chemotherapy and out of nowhere they were just like, “Oh, I’ll never need that.” It’s just like you’re awkwardly tempting fate for no apparent reason other than to convince the other person you’re talking to of something they probably weren’t even thinking about. I’m sure while they were discussing this campaign strategy, Eva wasn’t like, “Divorce lawyer…Mark is getting married…wonder if he’ll ever need a divorce lawyer.”

Gideon’s sister calls and informs Eva she’ll also be at the music video premier tomorrow.

No idea how I would write blog posts without http://www.reactiongifs.com/

She also tries to get Eva and Gideon back together, which is sooooo amusing because they’re already back together but nobody knows hee hee. I hope this book isn’t suddenly going to turn into a Parent Trap-esque comedy where everyone is trying to get Gideon and Eva back together in absurd ways until finally they’re both like, “Oh my god we’ve been back together since the beginning of this fucking book.” [Matthew says: You hope it doesn't? I couldn't think of anything else that would make this book actually interesting.]

Eva goes to lunch with her boss and his fiance, and I swear the fucking story of how Mark proposed is given more air time than Eva’s parents’ sexploits. More specifically, Eva dealing with her parents’ discretions and the emotional impact it might have on her. I’m not going to include any lines from this scene because why the fuck was this even in the book?

Eva heads home, and reveals some important information:

 Starting my period the afternoon before had me riding the edge of irritation and grumpiness, with a dash of exhaustion tossed in for shits and giggles.

This is the most helpful piece of the puzzle that is the timeline of this series. Eva hasn’t been on her period since about chapter 5 of Reflected in You! This was such a crucial bit of plot that Matt and I both included this information in the title of our posts for this chapter. Shit, that was back when we would both write about the same chapter in separate posts. Do any of you remember when that was a thing that we did? Like we actually intentionally spent longer on these pieces of garbage than God intended. [Matthew says: I'm amazed we've made it for two years.]

The most important thing, though, is that at the very end of this chapter the cops show up at Eva’s apartment. Yes, this means the highly anticipated return of the renowned Detective Shelley Graves.

My dad gave me his old tablet because he decided he didn’t like it, so I’m writing this post on a tablet and a tiny-ass bluetooth keyboard. I’m one of those people now.

Day 50

Pamela and the Master debate where to have their wedding, and Pamela insists on it being in a church. More importantly, a reminder that even in the 1700s these books happen way too quickly.

Said he, “I think it shall be done within these fourteen days, from this day [...] Shall it be in the first seven days, or the second of this fortnight? [...] I should thank you, Pamela, if you would choose the first.”

ONE WEEK? I get this was a slightly different time, but these two just went from “I will kidnap you until you love me!” to “Let’s get married in a week!” in fifty days. This makes the at-least-a-few months to go from zero to HAPPY HAPPY LOVE FOREVER in Fifty Shades and Crossfire look downright prudish.

Meanwhile, in female agency in the Western Canon-land (it’s a niche interest theme park), The Master then takes about half a page to go from this:

“I told you, I would see no more of your papers [...] not without your consent”

To this when Pamela doesn’t want to show him one page of what she’s written:

“What is that? [...] I more desire to see them”

A messenger returns with inconceivable, bad news: Pamela’s parents don’t believe this is really the plot of Pamela. For some reason, Pamela’s parents received Pamela’s letter explaining that she’s now in love with the upper class man who kidnapped her, and he also wants to marry her, and – in one of the few overlaps between the reader and the characters’ suspensions of disbelief – called bullshit. Although these are Pamela’s parents, so their main concern is that this means Pamela is no longer a virgin, which isn’t quite the same thing as finding the narrative pacing underdeveloped.

The Master then meets up with the newly freed Jacob Mr. Williams about that awkward matter of how he had him arrested for a bro code violation. Pamela runs into Mr. Williams walking to the house, and it’s “talk about the weather” awkward:

“Don’t you think that yonder cloud may give us a small shower?”
He said he believed not much.

Which is somehow more awkward than his “hey, so you had me arrested?” conversation with the Master, which is basically a few pages of “No! It’s my bad!” “No, it’s my bad.” Because no matter what time period it is, running into your ex is always peak awkward.
Also, the Master still won’t let this go:

“But he kept your secret, Pamela; and would not own, that you gave any encouragement”

FUCKING STILL.

Day 51

It’s party time with the Master’s more open-minded friends (who apparently exist now)! For the characters in the story, this means that the Master needs to reassure Pamela that they’ll like her despite their class difference. For the reader, this means bracing yourself for like twenty-something pages of people talking about how great Pamela is.

• Sir Simon [...] swore he never saw so easy an air, so fine a shape, and so graceful a presence.
• Lady Darnford was pleased to say I should be the flower of their neighborhood.
• “Did you ever see such excellence, such prudence, and discretion?” “Never in my life,” said the other good lady.
  “We must insist upon her company at the card-table, and at a dish of tea”
• The young ladies said, if I pleased, they would take a turn about the garden with me.
• Sir Simon rapt out an oath, and said [...] he would dine with me, and nobody else.
• Said my master, “I remember my poor mother would often say [...] ‘I’ll send up for my Pamela, to show you how to carve [a turkey].'”
  Said Lady Jones, “[Pamela] has every accomplishment of her sex.”

But don’t forget Pamela is the most specialest person ever because she thinks she’s the least specialest person ever.

“O madam,” said I, “I hope my good master’s favour wil never make me forget that it is my duty to wait upon his friends.”

And then sometimes these two things are so at odds with each other that I’m pretty sure Samuel Richardson is just making the rules up as he goes along:

They drank a glass of sack each, and Sir Simon would make me do so too [...] “No, Sir Simon,” said I, “that can’t be, because the ladies’ journey hither makes a glass of canary a proper cordial for them: but I won’t refuse; because I will do myself the honor of drinking good health with you”

Pamela performs some music for the guests (because Pamela is so good at everything, everyone loves it, and so on as it was writ in the beginning), and we get our arbitrary “but maybe everything isn’t super duper!” reminder, and it’s on a whole other level of arbitrary:

I must own to you, my dear parents, that I have something very awful upon my mind, when I think of the matter; and shall, more and more, as it draws nearer and nearer.

No idea what that “something very awful” is though. Pamela is apparently also a precursor to the Zoey “I just had a feeling the plot would develop this way” Redbird-type character.

Because there just aren’t enough characters in this scene absolutely in love with all things Pamela, her dad shows up by surprise. He was apparently in town and heard rumor of the Master throwing a party to introduce some gentry to someone who “had been his mother’s waiting maid” and decided to confront the Master. Upon seeing that the Master and Pamela are actually happy and in love, he focuses on the important questions:

“Is she honest? Is she virtuous?”

Casual reminder that Pamela’s dad has explicitly stated that if she weren’t – regardless of whether she were a victim or not – he would rather she died than came home to him.

Except I’m talking about him (Pamela’s dad), and not her (Pamela). Wait, I guess to applies to Pamela too. Fuck it, I mean everybody in this book.

Not that I was under the impression Ariel and I are doing anything revolutionary or novel over here (Ha, get it? Novel?), but I’m always momentarily surprised whenever someone mentions “other bad books blogs”, leaving me to hide my embarrassment and just nod and act like, yes, I am very familiar with these “other” bad books blog, and I  am totally familiar with what you’re talking about.

Me, basically.

I totally know that they exist, and that Bad Books, Good Times is hardly the most popular or the first thing that had this idea (although I am still really surprised we have the Twitter handle @BadBooksBlog, which seems like it would have been an easy one). For my part, this blog was partly inspired by Ryan North’s Back to the Future tumblr (because my love for Ryan North is well-documented), but beyond that I’ve never really bothered to explore how other people (our… contemporaries?) get their bad book-based snark on.

So rather than getting off my lazy ass, I turn to you guys. You’re already here on BBGT, so clearly you are all people of fine, discriminating taste. What blogs like this one should I be reading?

Last time we hung out with our favourite group of badass badasses of pure badassery, it was family reunion day! Tris learned her mother used to be in Dauntless through the power of chocolate cake. I know chocolate cake is how I figure most family secrets out.

Dad: Chocolate cake in Seattle is really good.

Me: …You must have a secret family in Seattle!!!!

Chapter 16

Back at the dorms, Tris asks Al if he ever met up with his family at the reunion where you were allowed to see your family even if they were from a different faction, but you weren’t allowed to act happy to see them because faction B4 blood, yo. [Matthew says: Even if I didn't think the entire "civilization is divided into five factions in order to save civilization" premise was total bullshit, I'd still be confused why they were constantly trying to undermine their own system. This would be like hosting an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in a frat house.]

Al confesses that he didn’t go because he didn’t want to tell his parents, “Oops, probably shouldn’t have picked Dauntless after all.” As far as mistakes go, it falls somewhere above misunderstanding the lyrics of “Every Breath You Take” and somewhere below choosing that song as your wedding anthem.

You might be wondering why I’ve been thinking about this song enough that I’ve written a joke around it. Well, that would be because I realised that most of the couples featured in the books we blog about here embody this song, creepiness and all.

Tris asks Al why he doesn’t just tell his parents he’s failing initiation on purpose. [Matthew says: You know, aside from the obvious reason.]

He shakes his head. “Dad always wanted me to come here. I mean, they said they wanted me to stay in Candor, but that’s only because that’s what they’re supposed to say. They’ve always admired the Dauntless, both of them. They wouldn’t understand if I tried to explain it to them.”

I hate when my parents don’t understand why I’m intentionally failing at faction initiation! They’re so old skool.

I think Al could have simply said, “Because I’d look like a huge fucking idiot,” but I guess all explanations were pretty much created equal in this case.

There’s also the small matter of the fact that Al’s parents are supposed to be honest all the time as Candor. Really, truly, I understand that if I take the time to point out each and every way these factions just don’t make any sense, I’d be able to write a book. This just really irked me for some reason.

Tris begins to muse about what Dauntless would be like if it was about bravery, courage and teamwork like everyone thought it would be. This shocks me as I thought it was just about jumping off trains and protecting everyone from an unknown threat.

[Matthew says: So it’s a little weird when Ariel is the one criticizing this book and I’m the one defending it, but this is one of those times! I was totally going to jump on the bandwagon about jumping off the train and make another “so Dauntless is the faction of people who made fun of people in high school to feel better about themselves, right?” joke, but then AL MADE A PRETTY GOOD POINT:

“I guess [I chose Dauntless] because… I think it’s important to protect people. To stand up for people. Like you did for me.” He smiles at me. “That’s what the Dauntless are supposed to do, right? That’s what courage is. Not… hurting people for no reason.”

[Although I'm not sure where he actually got this idea, since Dauntless is basically just the parkour faction.]

Lending further support to my “high school douche bag” understanding of Dauntless.

Musing interrupted when Al’s inner Jacob rears its ugly head, much like Ana’s Inner Goddess and Subconscious used to (RIP their presence in the movie) [Matthew says: ARIEL, YOU KNOCK ON FUCKING WOOD WHEN YOU SAY THAT.]:

“I feel braver when I’m around you, you know,” he says. “Like I could actually fit in here, the same way you do.”
I am about to respond when he slides his arm across my shoulders. Suddenly I freeze, my cheeks hot.
I didn’t want to be right about Al’s feelings for me. But I was.
I do not lean into him. Instead I sit forward so his arm falls away. Then I squeeze my hands together in my lap.

I wish it had actually gone down like this. Mainly because I’ve been wanting to use this gif for awhile.

As far as rejections go, this seems very tame and tactful, though not nearly as hilarious as Christian Grey punching Jacob  Jose in the face. Is there a gif of that yet? I looked around but couldn’t find one, and I don’t have time to make one myself tonight :(

Al apologises, and Tris tries to think of something nice to say so that Al won’t take her rejection personally until she realizes that it’s easier said than done.

But of course, it is personal. He is my friend—and that is all. What is more personal than that?
I breathe in, and when I breathe out, I make myself smile. “Sorry about what?” I ask, trying to sound casual. I brush off my jeans, though there isn’t anything on them, and stand up.

WHAT A COMING OF AGE STORY THIS IS! Really, though, I liked how Tris handled the situation even though she’d never had any practice in a situation like this before. [Matthew says: Maybe because she's... Divergent!] Tris even has the usual reaction later of feeling flattered that she was liked even though it was awkward.

At dinner, as their friends are discussing the upcoming rankings and life before Dauntless, Tris experiences more awkwardness with Al:

Al and I meet eyes, like we usually do when Will and Christina start to fight. But this time, the second our eyes meet, we both look away. I hope this awkwardness between us doesn’t last long. I want my friend back.

Uh, footage not found? We’ve seen Tris stick up for Al and stuff but I haven’t seen enough evidence of this kind of friendship.

The conversation winds up being about their aptitude tests, and Tris says that she actually got Abnegation.

“But you chose Dauntless anyway?” Christina says. “Why?”
“I told you,” I say, smirking. “It was the food.”
She laughs. “Did you guys know that Tris had never seen a hamburger before she came here?”
She launches into the story of our first day

Man, remember last week when Tris had her first hamburger? Let me tell you all about it again even though we were all fucking there! Here, let me tell you again, this time in slow motion!

Tris feels sad that there are now lots of barriers between herself and her friends like when Christina took the flag during capture the flag, or Tris rejecting Al. Suck it up, Tris, you’re not here to make friends, you’re here to win Dystopian Society’s Next Top Dauntless.

Later, Four explains the ranking system:

After the first round of fights, we ranked you according to your skill level. The number of points you earn depends on your skill level and the skill level of the person you beat. You earn more points for improving and more points for beating someone of a high skill level. I don’t reward preying on the weak. That is cowardice.

Okay, that’s all well and good but these fights were selected randomly and not everyone fought every other person, so it’s not really Peter’s fault that he beat Tris in a fight. Not that I want to defend Peter or anything, but this seems a bit extreme given Four doesn’t say, “It’s cowardice to beat the ever loving shit out of your weaker opponent” and simply that winning at all against them is worth no points.

The rankings for your viewing pleasure:

1. Edward
2. Peter
3. Will
4. Christina
5. Molly
6. Tris
7. Drew
8. Al
9. Myra [Who?]

This is important because:

1. Molly ranked lower than Christina because Tris beat her in a fight. She is pissed and threatens Tris.
2. Later in the night, Peter stabs Edward in the eye because he beat him.
3. [Matthew says: Because we've hit the obligatory "let's quantitatively rank the characters in this YA dystopia" part of the book. I guess this is what they have to do in Divergent and The Hunger Games for arbitrary list-based entertainment since they don't have Buzzfeed.]

Before the eye stabbing, Tris lies awake wondering why her mother transferred out of Dauntless. [Matthew says: Just think, if this story were written one generation earlier, instead of all those scenes with Tris narrating how she didn't fit in being born into a society where nobody was allowed to look in a mirror, we could have had her mom narrating how she didn't fit in being born into a society where nobody could just walk on or off a goddamn train.] Anyway, we interrupt this important question to bring you terrifying eye stabbage:

Edward lies on the floor next to his bed, clutching at his face. Surrounding his head is a halo of blood, and jutting between his clawing fingers is a silver knife handle. My heart thumping in my ears, I recognize it as a butter knife from the dining hall. The blade is stuck in Edward’s eye.

Later, Tris and her friends find out Edward and Myra (seriously, who the hell is she?) have both dropped out of the running to win Dystopian Society’s Next Top Dauntless. Better luck next time, guys.

[Matthew says: I can't decide if this is really relevant, but this scene was cut entirely from the movie adaptation, which really annoyed my friend I saw it with. Just think, I almost didn't get to experience the riveting, visceral horror of "The blade is stuck in Edward's eye". VISCERAL, I SAY!]

Tris and pals also lament the fact that telling the authorities that Peter and Drew were responsible wouldn’t do jack shit and that Dauntless used to be a faction that truly valued bravery. Tris believes Dauntless is a faction worth saving, but clearly this book is about being Divergent as fuck and not saving a doomed faction.

I’m thinking of a number between 1 – 100. What is it?

Guess what? Today we’re reading the one part of the movie I actually really liked! And entirely for reasons that don’t apply to books, so, uh, I have no idea how I feel right now. [Ariel says: How very Divergent of you, Matthew.]

[Ariel says: Also, when I was reading Cosmo the other day, it included an excerpt from the new book from Four's perspective. It's one of the scenes where Four yells at Tris because he's trying to protect her. I didn't like it.]

Chapter 17

Tris is feeling down in the dumps about that whole “another kid got stabbed in the eye with a butter knife” thing, but the Dauntless-born initiates run into her and take pity on her.

“The only initiates they usually let come are ones with older siblings in Dauntless,” [Uriah] says [...] “Just act like you belong.”
“What exactly are we doing?”
“Something dangerous,” he says.

Noooooooooo, Dauntless doing something just because it’s dangerous? Nooooooooo. [Ariel says: I wonder what you do in Dauntless if your toast gets stuck in the toaster. Are you allowed to unplug it or do you have to stick a fork in to get the toast out like you're playing a really dangerous (Dauntless, if you will) game of Operation?] 

Uriah admits to Tris that none of them actually know where they’re going, because it’s a Dauntless secret. As for just acting like she belongs, everyone immediately notices that Tris is different (not Different, just different this time). This becomes an opportunity to explore the subtleties of Dauntless social dynamics. Haha, just kidding. It becomes an opportunity to focus on the Tris-Four romance.

“I know who you are,” she says. “You’re the Stiff. Four told me about you.”
I pray the heat in my cheeks is not visible. “Oh? What did he say?”
She smirks at me. “He said you were a Stiff.”

Tris casually turns the conversation into one about Four, and the girl mentions that Four helped her practice fighting, which was “nice of him”. [Ariel says: What an unDauntless euphemism!] 

I still feel rattled by what she said, half confused by the idea of Four being “nice” and half wanting to punch her for no apparent reason.

No apparent reason?

Tris realizes that the group is going to the John Hancock building (non-Chicago people: the one that’s not the Sears Tower). They get in the elevator, and Tris is kind of a jerk.

“What floor?” the girl with the shaved head says.
“One hundred,” I say.
“How would you know that?” [...]
“We’re in a one-hundred-story abandoned building with some Dauntless,” I retort. “Why don’t you know that?”

Except, uh, how would any of them know that? It’s a secret, as Tris has narrated like a hundred times already. Tris?

Eventually they climb to the top of the Hancock building, which I sort of think I should call Science Bullshit on, but it’s far from my biggest problem with the science in this book, so I’ll let it slide.

At first, all I see is the marsh, wide and brown and everywhere, touching the horizon, devoid of life. In the other direction is the city, and in many ways it is the same, lifeless and with limits I do not know.

Oh, man, that sentence was going so nicely until that last mixed metaphor. I guess Tris tried to have her cake before it hatched. [Ariel says: Did someone say cake? Matt, you know cake can only mean a dramatic revelation is somewhere on the horizon, devoid of life.] 

Attached to one of the poles on top of the tower is a steel cable as thick as my wrist. On the ground is a pile of black slings made of tough fabric, large enough to hold a human being. [...] I follow the cable down, over the cluster of buildings and along Lake Shore Drive. I don’t know where it ends. One thing is clear, though: If I go through with this, I’ll find out.
We’re going to slide down a steel cable in a black sling from one thousand feet up.

Is this kind of totally fucking crazy? Why, yes, and here is exactly how crazy:

This map was helpfully created by DivergentFans.com. Side note: HOLY FUCKING SHIT AAAAAAAAAAA

[Ariel says: I just want to know which member of Dauntless has the vision to do this? I hope we find out in the next book it was Tris' mom, and I hope we learn so because she's eating a piece of chocolate cake as she goes on the zipline.]

And it’s really fucking cool! Because it’s a fantastic visual spectacle of Chicago reimagined as a post-apocalyptic skeleton of its former self, and makes for a beautiful and stunning glimpse at the ghostly vestige of a once-familiar civilization gone by.

But you might realize, “Wait, Matthew. Film is a visual medium and the novel is a text-based medium, so none of the things you just got really excited about are even remotely relevant to what we’re about to go over.” And you would be exactly right. So instead of this:

Or this:

It’s more like this:

[Ariels says: I haven't seen the movie yet, but those gifs engaged me more than this part did when I read it.]

Now, that’s not totally fair to the book, since it’s a limitation of the medium, and it’s one of the nice things about the possibility of film adaptation (and in Divergent‘s case, the only nice thing about the film adaptation). So maybe some of Tris’s prose can convey some of the same wonder of- nope, we’re only 40% into the book and I don’t have enough faith to even finish writing that sentence.

Watching Tris fly over the weirdly beautiful ruined city in the movie gave us a chance to really study it, and I was all, “Oohhh what inferences can we make from how Lake Michigan is dried-up farmland now? What do we make of the stripped-apart Hancock building?” But reading Tris describe the same thing in the book is all about how fucking DAUNTLESS she is, and it’s all, “SO WIND! MUCH HIGH! WOW!” And that’s when it even makes sense:

I can imagine, up here, how the marsh looked when it was full of water, like liquid steel as it reflected the color of the sky.

Present day Lake Michigan, apparently

After she soars over Chicago (during which she spends 0% of the time describing her surroundings and 100% of the time explaining her feelings, which I am still kind of sore about) and reaches the end of her ride, I immediately have to call Science Bullshit again.

I hang about twenty feet above the ground [...] A crowd of members stands below. They grasp one another’s arms, forming a net of limbs beneath me.

Acceleration of gravity is 32 feet/second^2, so by the bottom of this fall, she’s going 35.8 feet/second, which is 24.4 miles/hour. I think a person smacking your arms at almost 25 miles per hour could be classified as “not the best way to do things”.

Tris enjoyed her zipline experience, impressing the Dauntless-born initiates, but causing a bit of a riff amongst her friends when they get back and she’s obviously been having fun in Not-Where-A-Kid-Just-Got-Stabbed-In-The-Eye Land (which is apparently the North Side, which sounds about right).

Tris tries to play it off like it was no big deal (although she doesn’t mention exactly what they were doing), and the conversation fortunately shifts to “hey, don’t forget this book is about society splitting into Factions to end conflict because lol seriously that’s what we went with”:

“Well, you missed Christina almost punching an Erudite,” says Al. [...] “He was here asking for opinions about the Abnegation leadership” [...]
“Yeah,” she says. “While you were off having fun, I was doing the dirty work of defending your old faction, eliminating interfaction conflict…”

Unfazed by the obviously impending doom, Tris ends the chapter by dwelling on more important matters:

I look over Will’s shoulder at the members, who are now flicking bits of food at one another with their forks.
It’s the first time I have been really eager to be one of them.

Who among us cannot list food fights as their favorite form of social interaction?

Who cares what happened before this, the Russian mob is somehow part of the plot now.

Chapter 14

Detective Graves and her partner Detective Michna show up to speak to Eva about some new information they have regarding Nathan’s death. Everybody, calm down, the Russian mob will be with you momentarily, but first, more exposition:

Graves, a rail-thin woman with a severe face and foxlike blue eyes, was in the lead. Her partner, Michna, was the quieter of the two, an older man with receding gray hair and a paunch. They had a rhythm between the two of them—Graves was the heavy who kept the subjects occupied and off-balance. Michna was obviously good at fading into the background while his cop’s eyes cataloged everything and missed nothing. Their success rate had to be pretty high.

This makes Michna an even more forgettable minor character than the others, so much so that it his defining character trait. Little did you know, but Shawnee and Megumi have been in the room this whole time. No, not really, but the fact that I felt I had to clarify that joke means it’s believable that Day would put a ton of minor characters into a room with Eva only to never mention them again.

“Are you familiar with Andrei Yedemsky?” Graves asked.
I frowned at her. “No. Who’s that?” [Matthew says: PRO WRITING TIP: The best time to start mentioning who your main antagonists are is over halfways through the book.]
She dug in her bag and pulled out a sheaf of eight-by-ten photos, setting them down in front of me. “This man. Have you seen him before?”
Reaching out with shaking fingers, I pulled the top photo toward me. It was of a man in a trench coat, talking to another man about to climb into the back of a waiting town car. He was attractive, with extremely blond hair and tanned skin. “No. He’s not someone you’d forget meeting, either.” I looked up at her. “Should I know him?”

I like how even the potential villains have to be attractive, lest an ugly character tarnish the good name of the Crossfire series.

Apparently, they found the photos of Eva, taken by Nathan, in Andrei’s apartment.

“Andrei Yedemsky is a known member of the Russian mob,” Michna explained. “In addition to smuggling alcohol and assault weapons, they’ve also been suspected of trafficking women. It’s possible Barker was making arrangements to sell or trade you for that purpose.”

Woah woah woah, is that where this series is going? Our characters…Eva and Gideon…are going to take down human traffickers from the Russian mob? This would be like if suddenly Divergent became the Ghostbusters reboot during the last book in the trilogy. [Matthew says: Oh, I wanna play this game too! This would be like if Beautiful Disaster suddenly became about Las Vegas mobster during the last third of the... wait...]

Eva also has trouble believing this is the plot:

I backed away from the counter, shaking my head, unable to process what they were saying. Nathan stalking me was something I could believe. He’d hated me on sight, hated that his father had remarried instead of mourning his mother forever. He’d hated me for getting him locked up in psychiatric treatment, and my being awarded the five-million-dollar settlement he thought of as his inheritance. But the Russian mob? Sex trafficking? I couldn’t comprehend that at all. [Matthew says: Eva saying exactly what the reader is thinking, but not for the intended reasons.]

“Sure he hated me enough to sexually abuse me for years and years, but did he hate me enough to involve the Russian mob? The line’s gotta be drawn somewhere!”

All of the above is also a really weird way of explaining Nathan’s actions. I think, “Nathan had always been a psycho. But the Russian mob? Sex trafficking? I couldn’t comprehend that at all.” No need to try to convince us he was so upset his father had remarried that he decided to repeatedly rape his step-sister and then possibly sell her to the Russian mob.

Andrei, who has also been murdered, was found wearing Nathan’s mother’s bracelet, the one Nathan always had with him. So this innocent suspect we were all worried about is actually supposed to be evil, and also dead. Really glad that moral quandary was so neatly wrapped up and tossed into the sea. [Matthew says: Are there only like eleven people in the entire world? This is such an unlikely coincidence of "this character was ALSO THIS CHARACTER" plot convenience. The only way to get more absurd from here would be to reveal that 1) Eva's stepfather is the real head of the Russian mob, and 2) Eva's real dad was The Comedian.]

I stared at Graves, who knew better. “You’re suggesting Yedemsky could be responsible for Nathan’s death? Then who killed Yedemsky?”
She held my gaze, understanding the motivation behind my question. “He was taken out by his own people.”
“You’re sure about that?” I needed to know that they knew Gideon wasn’t involved. Yes, he’d killed for me—to protect me—but he’d never kill just to avoid going to jail.

Eva, you’re sure about that? Cause I’m not so sure I’m sure. I mean, I know Day would never write this, but if this bore some resemblance to real life, I would wonder just a little bit.

I rubbed at the tightness in my chest and looked at Graves. “I want to put this behind me. I want him to stop ruining my life. Is that ever going to happen? Is he going to haunt me even after he’s dead?”
She quickly and efficiently collected the photos, her face impassive. “We’ve done all we can. Where you go from here is up to you.”
I showed up at CrossTrainer at quarter after six. I went because I’d told Megumi I would and I’d already flaked on her once.

You can go anywhere from here, Eva! The world is your oys- oh, so you just went to the same place you go to every evening. I didn’t realize this was a television series where you can only afford to build like four sets. Guess this really was a series destined to be adapted for the small screen! [Matthew says: Can we also talk about how the detectives' official stance on this whole "you were almost abducted into a sex trafficking ring and we have zero leads on this investigation" is "lol you're on your own".]

At the gym with Megumi, Eva spots our favourite Evil Reporter Deanna and decides that now is a great time to chat with someone she hates. Even on a day when I just get stuck in bad traffic – opposed to a bad human trafficking plot – and am in a bad mood, I’m unlikely to even want to talk to a beloved friend let alone an arch nemesis.

“I’d ask if you come here often,” she replied, setting the weight back on the rack and standing, “but that’s too clichéd. How are you, Eva?”

Yeah, this seems like a good time to draw the line in the sand for cliches. Not, you know, when this character was first dreamt up. Sure, she can be the typical scorned lover, angry that a man carelessly cast her aside, but she can’t possibly utter a question like, “Do you come here often” without following it up with, “is something I’d never say.” Ironically, it’s just as much of a cliche when people point out what a cliched phrase this is whilst saying it.

The women exchange a few lines of pointless barbs, and then Deanna “saunters” off. It’s really unclear why this scene was included here, or why there seems to be only one gym in all of New York.

Minor characters eat Indian food with Eva, remind us that Gideon is sexy, and that Eva has Brett’s music video premier tomorrow. End scene. [Matthew says: I like how most of this book is reminders that subplots exist, as opposed to the subplots actually happening.]

Later that night, Eva finds Gideon waiting for her in her bedroom, having a nightmare about Nathan, and the creepiest scene in the world happens:

He growled, a low feral sound of aggression. “Never,” he bit out. “You’ll never touch her again.”
I froze.
His body jerked violently, and then he moaned and curled to his side, shuddering.
The sound of his pain galvanized me. I climbed onto the bed, my hand touching his shoulder. The next moment I was on my back, pinned as he loomed over me, his eyes fixed and sightless. Fear paralyzed me.
“You’re going to know what it feels like,” he whispered darkly, his hips ramming against mine in a sick imitation of the love we shared.

The most disturbing thing is that Eva doesn’t even acknowledge to herself that this sounds a lot like Gideon is trying to rape Nathan in his dream. Fair enough if she feels weird asking him about it, but to not even pause to be like, “Well, hmmm, that seems really gross and bizarre and fucked up.” Or even “two rapes don’t make a right.”

Seriously, why is Gideon seemingly trying to rape Nathan and WHY IS THIS NOT TREATED AS A PROBLEMATIC TERRIFYING THING??? [Matthew says: Somehow this book managed to get worse than not treating first-degree murder as a problematic terrifying thing.]

Instead the conversation quickly shifts to what the detectives had to say earlier and taking a shower:

I watched Gideon take a shower while I brushed my teeth. His soapy hands slid over his body with economical indifference, his movements brisk and rough. There was none of the intimate worship I caressed him with, none of the awe or love.

It would be pretty weird if he didn’t shower with “economical indifference.” This would be like saying, “I took my clothes off quickly before bed. It wasn’t at all like when I do a strip tease for my boyfriend.” Thank you for the clarification, Eva.

After the economically indifferent shower of nonsexual washing, Gideon tells Eva that what’s really odd about the detectives finding Nathan’s bracelet on Andrei is that Nathan was wearing that bracelet when Gideon murdered him. With economical indifference, I’m sure, and not a trace of intimate worship.

He came up behind me when he was done, gripping my hips and pressing a kiss to my nape. “I don’t have any underworld ties,” he murmured.
I finished rinsing my mouth and looked at him through the mirror. “Does it bother you to have to say that to me?”
“I’d rather say it than have you ask.”

This is very clearly a pointed comment at us readers who are like, “Gideon is absolutely capable of the worst shit possible. Remember that time he murdered a dude and then got away with it because Money and Power?”

“Someone went to a lot of trouble to protect you.” Turning, I faced him. “Could it be Angus?”

Or Megumi? Or Magdalena (remember when she was a character in this series)? Or Will (that guy Eva went to lunch with from work one time)? Or maybe all the minor characters colluded on this one. No, I’ve got it, it was Cary in the CrossTrainer with the elliptical!

“No. Tell me how the mob guy died.”
My fingertips drifted over the ridges of his abdomen, loving the way the muscles flexed and clenched in response to my touch. “One of his own took him out. Retaliation. He was under surveillance, so Graves said they’ve got proof of that.”
“So it’s someone connected, then. To either the mob or the authorities, or both. Whoever’s responsible, they chose a fall guy who could take the blame and not pay for it.”
“I don’t care who arranged it, just so long as you’re safe.”
He kissed my forehead. “We need to care,” he said softly. “To protect me, they have to know what I did.”

So you do guys think it’s a minor character we already know? Or someone who hasn’t been in the book yet?

Days 52-53

The Master wakes up after Pamela and her father have already been up and about, admitting that he was up late reading Pamela’s letters. [Ariel says: Nothing says "written before Harry Potter" than staying up all night to read Pamela's letters.] This could be either cute or obsessive, really, but since the letters are mostly “HELP I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED”, probably the latter. The Master seems to have finally gotten to the part where Mrs. Jewkes hit Pamela, which he found troublesome.

“She had the insolence to strike my girl, I find.”
“Sir,” said I, “I was a little provoking”

And we can check the “no, I deserved it!” check-box of the abusive relationship now. By proxy, but still. [Ariel says: I'm a little surprised Pamela didn't go the "Ohhh what I meant to write was that I'd tripped down the stairs" route.] 

Pamela’s father wants to go home and tell Pamela’s mom the good (?) news, and in a hilariously “have you been paying any goddamn attention at all?” moment, the Master refuses to let him leave yet. Just when you thought this book couldn’t get more repetitive. The Master argues that he should stay, on account of the wedding. Which he admits can’t even happen for a few days, since they haven’t gotten the marriage license yet, but logic has never been an actual impediment towards things happening in this book. [Ariel says: Seriously, does the Master have to kidnap everyone? Even Gideon Cross let Eva's dad go back home to California, no questions asked. And we all know how sexy Eva's dad is!] 

So, I hate to tell you guys this, because I’m certain you’re just all flavours of bored with Pamela by now, but today’s post has a lot people trying on clothing.

Pamela Tries On Clothing!
Pamela is thrilled to get to wear the fancy clothing that the Master has given to her. Yes, the same fancy clothing she refused to accept from him previously, because she was insulted that he thought she would trade her virtue for some fancy clothing. Evidently this is okay now. [Ariel says: But fancy clothes, Matt! Fancy clothes!]

Pamela’s Dad Tries on Clothing!
Pamela’s dad, of course, has no appropriately not-shitty clothing for the wedding, but conveniently he’s roughly the same size as the Master, who offers to lend him some of his least-good clothes, because people were just really into their social classes back then. But just in case you were thinking, “hm, this scene doesn’t seem creepy enough for Pamela“, well, Pamela‘s got yo’ back!

“And so,” said [the Master to Pamela], pleasantly, “Don’t you pretend to come near us, till I call for you; for you must not yet see how men dress and undress themselves.”

ACTUAL LINE OF DIALOGUE. The Master tells Pamela to not be too tempted to walk in on her dad changing, because she isn’t allowed to see a naked man until she’s married, in front of her dad. [Ariel says: See my link above to the Crossfire equivalent.] 

Quick reminder that people liked this book in the 18th century the same way people like Fifty Shades of Grey now, so a bunch of people found that line to be sexy banter.

In “Other Things That Are Weird About Pamela“, Mrs. Jewkes notices that she is still referring to her fiance as “my master”.

“You must alter your style, madam,” said she. “It must not be master now, sure!”
“Oh,” returned I, “This is a language I shall never forget. He shall always be my master, and I shall think myself more and more his servant.”

Because this book really wants us to take Jacob Mr. Williams as a serious source of unresolved conflict, Pamela and the Master run into him (again), the Master comments on how awkward things are between them (again), and the Master and Mr. Williams talk about “Haha, we were both going for the same girl at one point! THIS IS SO NOT AWKWARD LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS SOME MORE.” (again). [Ariel says: This sounds like a scene that would play out in every frat house across America except the words "bro" and "dude" would play a pivotal role in the conversation." There's an art to bro-speak. A well-placed "dude" can really help drive your point home.] 

“I think I could have preferred, with her, any condition that could have befallen me, had I considered only myself.”

You know what’s a conversation I overhear all the time? People talking with their friends about how they almost got with their significant others. Wait, NOBODY DOES THIS.

“But, sir, I was very far from having any encouragement to expect her favour.”

Then WHY KEEP BRINGING THIS UP? Don’t worry, though. They’re so cool that the Master asks Mr. Williams to officiate the wedding. THEY’RE JUST THAT TOTALLY COOL.

Everyone go watch Playing House now and demand USA renew it already. kthanksbye – love Ariel

The Master gives Pamela permission to have a friend.

“Pamela, look upon yourself at liberty to number Mr. Williams in the list of your friends.”
How generous, how noble, was this!”

Wanna know what’s really fucked up? This is more progressive than Fifty Shades of Grey. Think about how many male friends Christian allowed Ana to hang out with. [Ariel says: Wait, does that make the Crossfire series more progressive in this way too given Eva and Cary's unfortunate friendship?] 

I already used my feminism gif, I had to get creative.

So a thing that’s been happening in the background that I haven’t mentioned is that the chapel in the Master’s house hadn’t been used in such a long time that it was actually being used to store firewood, and Pamela insisted on it being cleaned and used for its proper purpose. Cool, now you’re all caught up on that subplot. [Ariel says: This sounds like the perfect plot for a reality tv program as I'm sure the number of people with backyard chapels just waiting to be renovated is astronomical.]

Anyway, they finally have a service in the church, at which both Mr. Williams and Pamela’s dad do part of the service. There is nothing to say about it, but that certainly doesn’t stop Pamela, who literally just copies the Bible verses her father reads verbatim, in case whoever is supposed to ever read these letters forgets what the Bible is, I guess.

Speaking of Pamela writing about the Bible, the Master found a very interesting part of Pamela’s letters: her rewriting of the 137th Psalm to be about herself. You may recall we made fun of this, as it is a perfectly normal thing for people to do, but what the Master does is worse (amazingly), because he reads it out loud to his entire dinner party of upper class lords and ladies, while Pamela embarrassingly pleads he stop. Pamela just out-BBGT’ed BBGT.

“She turned it more to her own supposed case; and believing Mrs. Jewkes had a design against her honor and looking upon her as her jailer, she thus gives her version of this psalm.”

The Master has Mr. Williams read the original Bible stanza before he reads Pamela’s corresponding Mary Sue fanfiction rewrite of the Psalm, which is probably the only time in my life I’ll ever use the words “Mary Sue fanfiction rewrite of the Psalm” in that order. [Ariel says: I don't know if you know this, but bible fanfiction is actually a real thing. I'm not brave enough to wade through that, although I did see the first post on there is categorised as "humor". I feel like that is just begging for people to attack you on the internet.]  

As you can imagine, it’s super embarrassing.

“Good sir,” said I, “oblige me; don’t read further: pray don’t!”
“O pray, madam,” said Mr. Williams, “Let me beg to have the rest read; for I long to know whom you make the Sons of Edom, and how you turn the Psalmist’s execrations against the insulting Babylonians.”

Whatever floats your boat, Mr. Williams.

Interestingly, this scene offers a good PRO WRITING TIP: Don’t make one of your characters a great writer if you are not a great writer. Especially if you’re going to go with a really niche talent, like, say, adaptation of Biblical verse.

Ev’n so shalt thou, O wicked one!
At length to shame be brought;
And happy shall all those be call’d
That my deliv’rance wrought.

That was Mr. Williams reading the actual Bible verse, and here is the Master reading Pamela’s adaptation, which is about as close to the Psalm she’s supposedly adapting as Hamlet is to Sharknado:

Yes, blessed shall the man be call’d
That shame thee of thy evil,
And saves me from thy vile attempts,
And thee, too, from the devil.

“Evil” and “devil” don’t even rhyme, Pamela.

Guys, I haven’t updated my personal blog Apathetic Chipmunk in so long, even though I keep jotting down blog post ideas. Both fortunately and unfortunately Bad Books, Good Times and my job keep me pretty busy. The other night, though, I took a trip down memory lane and read through some of my old posts and found one of my favourites, which I’ve reposted below.

6 Ways Harry Potter Could Have Been Way Better 

After reading the Harry Potter series, part of me was satisfied, but a bigger part of me felt there was something missing. After much deliberation— including pie charts, venn diagrams, musical montages, and elaborate surveys—I finally figured out the six things that would have made Harry Potter a much better series. Maybe even the best ever.

1) Addressing the issue of obesity:

Though many characters in the novel suffer from obesity, the issue is never directly addressed. Characters like Dudley and Goyle were never aided but were simply allowed to increase their weight classifications from chubby -> overweight -> fat -> ogre -> obese, and straight on to full-blown tubba-blubba status. If there had been even brief mentions of the Dursleys signing Dudley up as a member of the local gym, if Hogwarts had introduced a mandatory fitness program, or if there was some sort of Richard Simmons-esque wizard character, then fat children around the world—but mainly in America—would have been inspired to shed those extra pounds!

Instead, we’re left with this message:

2)  Unwanted pregnancies or children out of wedlock:

Despite all the steamy wizarding action, there was no mention of anyone forgetting to cast anti pregnancy spells. The world wants to know if there’s a plan B spell? Pregnius go awaytius? No-mo-Babyosa? It would have been engagingly realistic to show all the kinky wizard passion that went on when these teens were alone in the common rooms or the Prefect’s unsupervised bathrooms. Instead we’re led to believe that Hogwarts is a school of virginal witches and wizards.

How many of us longed for Hermione to have a pregnancy scare with Victor Krum to add more drama between her and Ron?

Or Parvati, the Gryffindor slut, to cast an abortius-fetius spell after a night of too much “butter” beer? I for one would have been positively enchanted.

3) Messy divorces:

Narcissa and Lucious Malfoy had a failing, loveless marriage that should have ended with a divorce filled with fights over child custody, money, and other wizardly possessions. Had this divorce occurred earlier in Draco’s life, it would have helped explain his cantankerous, snotty, attention-seeking ways. This glimpse into marriages that lost the “magic” would have highlighted the all too real struggles couples have—muggle or not.

These modern day struggles between unhappy married couples would have better fleshed out not only the Malfoy’s marriage but the Weasley’s as well. Had Mrs. Weasley been left to raise 37 children on her own, it would have added for an exciting, emotional rollercoaster. If a henpecked Mr. Weasley had left to pursue his career in the ministry and run off with his much younger secretary, eyes would have been glued to the pages of this brave novel.

There’s no reason to believe that love can overcome monetary hardships, let alone Voldemort impending doom. It’s sickening that Harry Potter would continue to promote the idea of strong, stable marriages through the worst of times.

4) Drug Overdoses:

Living a life of fame and fortune and quidditch is truly the dream for many a Harry Potter character. An awesome storyline would have been former Gryffindor quidditch team captain Oliver Wood falling prey to the temptations that all quidditch stars probably face. It’s a well known fact that wizard drug dealers lace their shit with the best spells and give you a high that only sweet magic could.

Harry, too, for that matter was a star in every regard, and logically drug usage should have played a large role in his life at Hogwarts. How else would he escape the pain? J.K. can’t possibly expect the readers of this series to believe Harry overcame issues of guilt, abandonment, abuse, loss, loneliness, and more without being aided by drugs. That’s simply inhuman. Friendship is no substitute for the joy and feelings of self-worth that drugs can give you.

5) Work study programs:

How in the hell did dirt poor Ron Weasley pay for Hogwarts? Let alone all six hundred of his siblings? Is there a Hogwarts scholarship fund? Is there a work study program? This issue was certainly not addressed, and the books suffered greatly from it. We’re led to believe that out of the goodness of Dumbledore’s heart he allows anyone to enter Hogwarts and receive a topnotch education—free of charge. Harry understandably attends because his parents left him a rich orphan, which is a plot device no book as ever seen. Ron on the other hand just had a shitty hand dealt to him.

Furthermore, how can Hogwarts afford to pay its teachers’ salary if students are there on charity? There’s no mention of a wealthy donor or kids having to work in the cafeteria and wait for everyone and their mother to get out before they can go home. Life is not a fairy tale. Poor kids go to school and clean up after the rich kids. If Harry Potter leads you to believe otherwise then it is a disservice to everyone who reads it. However, there is documented proof that 99% of orphans end up extremely wealthy and in a school for the finest witches and wizards, so at least that was believable.

6) House Elves going apeshit:

Underneath Dobby’s cheerful, submissive exterior lurked a sassy, mouthy rebel who could have liberated the House Elves. The issue of House Elf slavery was vaguely addressed when Hermione briefly started a club to fight for their freedom. This club was quickly forgotten when Ron love drama became the only issue Hermione addressed—or undressed, what up?—In any case, what the series needed was some sarcasm seeping through Dobby’s “Yes, Harry Potter”, and “Dobby loves Harry Potter”. Fuck that. There are clearly smarmy, snarky undertones to all of his groveling, and it would have been a delight to see this potential realized.

What other missed opportunities do you guys think Harry Potter had?

Tris went ziplining with the Dauntless-born initiates, so if you missed that action-paced chapter you’re not going to have any idea what’s going on in the rest of the book.

Chapter 18

The second stage of initiation is underway. This means more ass-kicking, butt-crunching action that “no one can prepare” for.

Or, OR, it’s another fucking simulation.

“What’s the simulation?” I say, trying to keep my voice from shaking. I don’t succeed.
“Ever hear the phrase ‘face your fears’?” he says. “We’re taking that literally. The simulation will teach you to control your emotions in the midst of a frightening situation.”

Simulations are to Divergent what cave tours were to The Host. I wish Uncle Jeb would show up to lead a simulation and a spectacular tour of the Dauntless cave pit. [Matthew says: I like the simulations, because it's like the book is so artificial, even its artificiality is artificial.]

Aside from being something that seems completely outside the realm of scientific possibility (I don’t care how smart Erudite is meant to be), it’s just a lazy way to develop Tris (and eventually Four’s) characters and their inner emotional world. To be fair, if I thought these simulation scenes were more compelling, I wouldn’t care that they’re a tad contrived, but they’re some of my least favourite parts about this book. [Matthew says: Good thing it's about half of the book!] For those of you who have read the whole series, are there more simulations? You can spoil it for me, I promise.

“We use a more advanced version of the simulation here,” he says, “a different serum, no wires or electrodes for you.”
“How does it work without wires?”
“Well, I have wires, so I can see what’s going on,” he says. “But for you, there’s a tiny transmitter in the serum that sends data to the computer.”

Seriously, the fuck? Science, where are you? We need you here immediately. Sure, this would make sense if he was simply monitoring her reactions, but we know that these simulations can be watched by someone else, so WHAT GIVES?

Four jumps in to Dauntsplain the task at hand and the “science” behind it:

“In addition to containing the transmitter, the serum stimulates the amygdala, which is the part of the brain involved in processing negative emotions—like fear—and then induces a hallucination.

Okay, I smell what you’re cooking, Veronica Roth. I also like your fancy choice of words for a part of the brain I know nothing about and am too lazy to Google. Well played.

“The brain’s electrical activity is then transmitted to our computer, which then translates your hallucination into a simulated image that I can see and monitor.”

See, this is where it still just makes no sense to me. I would believe it if they drugged her before they went into a virtual reality simulation, but for technology to have advanced to the point where they can translate your brain activity into a specific image…This isn’t The Magic Treehouse, okay, it’s a little harder for me to suspend my disbelief here. [Matthew says: Also, what the fuck kind of post-apocalypse is this where we have technology that can display people's dreams on a monitor, but we have, you know, the apocalypse?]

I will then forward the recording to Dauntless administrators. You stay in the hallucination until you calm down—that is, lower your heart rate and control your breathing.”

Well played again, Roth. You tried to hide that one really stupid sentence right in the middle of two things I enjoyed. Like putting delicious, homemade bread around a turd, which is an analogy that works because of how frequently it occurs of course.

And now, a special moment out of context:

“He plants his hands on either side of my head and leans over me.
“Be brave, Tris,” he whispers. “The first time is always the hardest.”

;) That is all.

Fear 1: Getting eaten alive by crows. My fellow We’re Back fans will recognise this clip (I’m pretty sure it’s been shared in the comments before.)

I personally would find this more terrifying if it were swans because those motherfuckers are vicious, but to each his own. I’ve never seen Hitchcock’s The Birds, but I’m assuming even in the dystopian world of Divergent it must still be a very popular film, which would explain Tris’ fear.

Just kidding, the fear is of course A Metaphor, which Tris will explain in great detail later for us because everyone knows the best way to do symbolism is to say, “Screw your interpretations, THIS IS WHAT I’M TRYING TO SYMBOLISE, MOTHERFUCKERS!” [Matthew says: And it even symbolizes something that hasn't been introduced yet! This is actually how most of Divergent is written! Writing!]

Tris finally calms down and breaks free of the simulation. Once back in reality, she begins crying, and tries to protest when Four offers to walk her back to the dormitory. Ooooer. Tris starts criticising the simulations, arguing that they’re actually pretty useless (word, girl, word), but Four points out that learning to think rationally when you’re terrified is a super important Dauntless skill. You know, because they do crazy shit like turning their flashlights off because someday they might not have a flashlight. Courageous! Daring! Dauntless.

Anyway, Tris thinks she did a shitty job at the simulation, but Four reveals the truthy truth:

“Three minutes,” he replies. “You got out three times faster than the other initiates. Whatever you are, you’re not a failure.”

Divergent as fuck is what she is. Oh, come on, I had to go there. Just be cool, guys.

I used to think the Dauntless were fearless. That is how they seemed, anyway. But maybe what I saw as fearless was actually fear under control.

Matthew says: Unless it involves flashlights.

The Dauntless are actually always about five seconds away from shitting their pants, but stage three is about going beyond controlling your mind and instead about controlling your bowel movements. Shit is going to literally get very real. I’ll be here all week, that is, if Matt continues to want to blog with me.

And now it’s the time I warned you about, the time to explain that the metaphor is a metaphor, just in case you were like, “Oh shizzy, when did Tris get to be so scared of crows?!”

“Anyway, your fears are rarely what they appear to be in the simulation,” he adds.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, are you really afraid of crows?” he says, half smiling at me. The expression warms his eyes enough that I forget he’s my instructor. He’s just a boy, talking casually, walking me to my door. “When you see one, do you run away screaming?”
“No. I guess not.” I think about stepping closer to him, not for any practical reason, but just because I want to see what it would be like to stand that close to him; just because I want to.
Foolish, a voice in my head says.
I step closer and lean against the wall too, tilting my head sideways to look at him. As I did on the Ferris wheel, I know exactly how much space there is between us. Six inches. I lean. Less than six inches. I feel warmer, like he’s giving off some kind of energy that I am only now close enough to feel.
“So what am I really afraid of?” I say.
“I don’t know,” he says. “Only you can know.”

…

…

…

This is some of the worst flirtation I have ever seen, and I read Fifty Shades of Grey where they would literally just say things like, “Well hello, Mrs Grey.” “Hello, Mr. Grey” And get massive erections for each other.

In what world would talking about running away screaming from crows be the ultimate lead-in to a flirtation? I don’t even believe the world of Divergent would be the place for this. I would believe it if they were talking about chocolate cake, because I believe that could be the catalyst for literally any event in this series. War about to break out? Chocolate cake probably was the cause. Tris and Four about to fuck? They were probably eating chocolate cake moments before. I would even go so far as to say I believe a freshly baked Abnegation muffin would be more flirtatious than a discussion about scary crows.

Wait, so what is Tris afraid of then?

I nod slowly. There are a dozen things it could be, but I’m not sure which one is right, or if there’s even one right one.

Veronica Roth didn’t want to commit to one interpretation yet. You get to think just a little bit. [Matthew says: Tris is so divergent, even her fears are divergent.]

Four then explains that Dauntless initiation used to be different, but a few years ago they made everything more brutal and Eric-like. He also reveals that, gasp, Eric ranked second in their group of initiates while Four ranked first, which has been a sore-spot for Eric ever since. In Eric’s defence, it sounds like he never stabbed anyone in the eye with a butter knife, so I guess that makes him slightly better than Peter, which is like saying you’re not the worst Kardashian.

So what are your interpretations of Tris’ crow dream? Mine is that she’s Jesus because it’s the always the easiest go-to metaphor for me. [Matthew says: Mine is that she should really have waited for the book to reveal that she was scared of birds before she got a bird tattoo. She thought she was safe when the book explained what the tattoo symbolized when she got it, but NOPE, MORE EXPLANATIONS.]

I almost met Hannah Hart this week. That was almost really cool! [Ariel says: Wait, why almost? This is a situation where you need be more explicit like when Veronica Roth helpfully alerts us to metaphors running wild in the area.]

Chapter 19

Tris walks in on Peter reading the latest Erudite propaganda, because in the strongly faction-before-blood Dauntless, this is the sort of reading material that is apparently lying around. [Ariel says: You'd think this would be treated more like porn belonging to a teenager, quickly shoved under the bed and probably semen-soaked.]

“The mass exodus of the children of Abnegation leaders cannot be ignored or attributed to coincidence,” he reads. “The recent transfer of Beatrice and Caleb Prior, the children of Andrew Prior, calls into question the soundness of Abnegation’s values and teachings. [...] Why else would the children of such an important man decide that the lifestyle he has set out for them is not an admirable one? [...] Perhaps the answer is that we have entrusted our city to a group of proselytizing tyrants who do not know how to lead us out of poverty and into prosperity.”

Tris continues to walk the line between being a first-person narrator who uses her emotions to draw the reader into the story and one whose feelings are really just basic information.

Now the Erudite are attacking my father.

Talk about wooden dialogue! Hahaaa, it’s funny because he’s a tree.

She quickly realizes that this was Molly’s revenge for their last fight, because the rules of young adult fiction state that any event taking place on a city-wide level is always caused by one of the same dozen 16-year-olds. Will pulls her away from the situation and explains a major theme of the novel to Tris, which even the characters in the story are tired of doing by this point:

That’s my family they’re talking about, that’s my faction!”
“No, it’s not.” There are dark circles under his eyes; he looks exhausted. “It’s your old faction”

They then discuss one of the considerably more perplexing major themes of the novel:

“I can’t believe my brother joined [Erudite].”
“Hey. They’re not all bad,” he says sharply.
I nod, but I don’t believe him. I can’t imagine anyone emerging from the Erudite unscathed.

Somehow in a book where the main premise is that society has been divided into five personality types, the message isn’t that people aren’t this narrowly-defined, but rather that some of those narrowly-defined people are always evil.

Christina convinces her cool friends to go to the cool tattoo place and get cool tattoos, since they’re in the cool kids group now. [Ariel says: It just wouldn't be appealing to da ladiez if there wasn't a makeover scene. Tris is wearing eyeliner now, so shit with Four is about to get real.] Again, somehow this book isn’t about the dangers of cliques, but how studying is bad for you.

“It’s really fascinating how [the simulation] works,” he says. “It’s basically a struggle between your thalamus, which is producing the fear, and your frontal lobe, which makes decisions. But the simulation is all in your head, so even though you feel like someone is doing it to you, it’s just you, doing it to yourself and…” He trails off. “Sorry. I sound like an Erudite.”

CASE IN GODDAMN POINT.

Anyway, hopefully you’ve lost interest in the book’s weird anti-intellectualism now, because it’s time for some young adult fiction, motherfucker!

I see Four standing by the chasm, a group of people around him. He laughs so hard he has to grab the railing for balance. Judging by the bottle in his hand and the brightness of his face, he’s intoxicated, or on his way there. I had begun to think of Four as rigid, like a soldier, and forgot that he’s also eighteen.

Obviously the most important detail here is, “Ohhhh… eighteen, you say…”

Now their relationship-to-be is officially not creepy! At least by legal definition!

Four singles out Tris in her group of friends and very obviously hits on her. Guys, I highlighted like a page and a half of straight dialogue, because there are gems in here. Drunk flirting cliché gems:

• “You look different.” His words, normally crisp, are now sluggish. [Ariel says: I'm telling you, it's all that eyeliner. Four likey.] 
• “What are you doing?”
  “Flirting with death,” he replies with a laugh.
• He puts his lips next to my ear and says, “You look good, Tris.”

Four laments that he can’t invite Tris (not her friends – guys do you think he likes her???) to hang out with him, because of the only rule that Dauntless apparently follows:

“I’d ask you to hang out with us, but you’re not supposed to see me this way.” [...]
“What way?” I ask. “Drunk?”
“Yeah… well, no.” His voice softens. “Real, I guess.”

Four leaves and Al literally carries Tris away, prompting Jacob Al to remind us that other people liking you can have consequences.

“What was that all about?” [Al] is trying to sound lighthearted, but he asks the question almost sadly.

Wait, I’m not sure I get it. Maybe Tris can explain a little bit more.

He still cares too much about me.

Ohhhhh it’s sad because he likes her too. Thank goodness Tris could further explain what “sadly” meant.

While in contrast, the rest of Tris’s friends are a little more:

“Yeah, I think we’d all like to know the answer to that question,” says Christina in a singsong voice. [...]
“Nothing.” I shake my head. “He was drunk. [...] That’s why I was grinning. It’s… funny to see him that way.”
“Right,” says Will. “Couldn’t possibly be because-“
I elbow Will hard in the ribs before he can finish his sentence.

As if to spite me for making fun of how on the nose the narration usually is, the chapter ends on this utterly befuddling Gordian Knot of false profundity:

At home I used to spend calm, pleasant nights with my family [...] doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing, and everything was quiet.
I have never been carried around by a large boy, or laughed until my stomach hurt at the dinner table [...] Peace is restrained; this is free.

What the shit does that mean? These contrasts are such vaguely defined concepts, one of them isn’t even defined more clearly than “this”. It’s free, which is the opposite of restrained, which is the same as peace, therefore… wait, is this an analogy of definitions, connotations, or is it conflating the two, like how the sentence is already conflating my head and my desk. [Ariel says: I just can't stop laughing at "I have never been carried around by a large boy." Small boys? Yes. Medium boys? Yes. But large, never large. This is free.]

Days 59-60

Now that Pamela’s selflessness and the Master’s wealth have combined forces, the book occasionally becomes charity-porn:

I begged leave to send a guinea to a poor body in the town [...]
“Send two, my dear, if you please. [...] I will allow you two hundred pounds a year,” [the Master said.] “For your own use, and of which I expect no account”

In case you want to indulge in fictional characters using vast amounts of fictional money to solve other fictional characters’ problems. Fulfilling? [Ariel says: If you liked watching these characters throw money at the stupid problem you may also enjoy the Crossfire series, the Fifty Shades trilogy, and Beautiful/Walking Disaster.] 

It’s worth noting that by this point, Pamela has stopped writing “the 60th day of my imprisonment”, and instead goes with “the fourth day of my happiness”. It would probably be really weird if she weren’t doing this, to be fair, but given that the modern reader isn’t entirely convinced…[Ariel says: What makes this so great is that it's exactly the same situation as before except she finally caved and married the guy. It's like she stayed in prison but was really impressed by the new snack selection. The bar couldn't go much lower.]

Speaking of things that look a little weird to the modern reader, the Master lays down some rules for Pamela on What Women Are Like:

“I have often observed, in married folks, that, in a little while, the lady grows careless in her dress [...] this has always given me great offense, and I should not forgive it, even in my Pamela. “

YEAH, YOU WEAR THE PANTS IN THIS RELATIONSHIP, MASTER. [Ariel says: Dude, this was written back in the friggen day and this is still a famous cliche. Woman gets married and then she's with the sweatpants and the old t-shirt with the stains and the hairy armpits.]

I know this is more of a “pick up artists are stupid” joke than it is strictly a “thinking all women are the same is stupid” joke, but I’m doing this post on my girlfriend’s laptop and I’m trying to not leave behind a totally awful search history.

“Dear sir,” said I, “pray give me more of your sweet injunctions.”

Obviously Pamela is a little dated, but it’s still kind of amazing how a man wrote a book where a man tells a woman how women are allowed to behave, and her response is “Fascinating! Tell me more!”

“O dearest, dear sir,” said I, [...] “You oblige and improve me at the same time! Oh what a happy lot is mine!”

[Ariel says: Hahahaha I feel like if you read this with a more optimistic attitude, this just sounds so sarcastic and hysterical. I sincerely wish that was actually how it was meant to be written because no one would ever say something like this nowadays without it being just covered in snark. Which means I'm going to start saying this immediately next time Jeremy tells me to stop farting.] 

To emphasize his point about how important it is to be… zen… (????) The Master tells a story about how he… had a dream about how he bashed a guy’s head in? Seriously, you gotta read this shit.

“Be sure, my dear,” continued he, “let no little accidents ruffle your temper. I shall never forget once that I was at Lady Arthur’s; and a footman happened to stumble, and let fall a fine china dish, and broke it all to pieces [...] It affected me so much that when I came home, I went to bed, and dreamt that Robin, with the handle of his whip, broke the fore glass of my chariot, and I was so solicitous [...] that I broke his head in revenge, and stabbed one of my coach-horses.”

This is the most unsettling, irrelevant “Cool story, bro” ever. This would be like explaining how your shower works to a houseguest and telling them a dream about how this one time you had sex with an alien goat in a shower to help them remember how the drain works. [Also can we please discuss how he stabbed one of his coach-horses??? Yeah, you definitely want to be married to a guy who was so angry at someone else that not only did he break this guy's head, but then he stabbed his own horse for no reason! Like imagine if he gets mad at someone else and he breaks their head and then stabs you, Pamela!]

Pamela, of course, doesn’t see it this way.

I was exceedingly diverted with the facetious hints, and the pleasant manner in which he gave them

Pamela, I don’t think you were listening to the same story. [Ariel says: My mistake, stabbing your horse is a super pleasant story for all to enjoy.]

The Master somehow manages to make things more uncomfortable.

Spanning my waist with his hands, [he] said, “What a sweet shape is here! It would make one regret to lose it, and yet, my beloved Pamela, I shall think nothing but that loss wanting, to complete my happiness.”

“You’re super hot, but I’d be okay with giving that up if you had my kids” is probably the worst way to say, “Hey, I want to have kids”.

Days 61-62

Pamela and the Master are supposed to go to their friend’s, but the Master suddenly has to go visit a sick tenant. He sends a message to Pamela later that day that he has to stay later than he thought, and that they should meet at their friends rather than go together, since it’ll save everyone time. Which sounds perfectly reasonable, except this is the 18th century. So you would think this is going in a “Pamela has to overcome her feelings about her social standing OH NO” drama again, but it gets WAY MORE DRAMATIC when the Master’s Pamela-hating sister shows up out of the blue.

How unlucky this is! What shall I do! Here is Lady Davers come [...] and my kind protector a great, great many miles off!

Ariel and I would have used the word “contrived”, but “unlucky” works too. [Ariel says: Well it's no 'if you lose this bet you have to come live in my house/sleep in my bed.' But it's getting there!]

Pamela and Mrs. Jewkes try the ever popular “cough I’m sick” plan to get her to go away, although Pamela pushes it a little too far.

“Tell her,” said I, “I am sick [in] bed. I’m dying.”

I don’t have to explain why “I’m dying” makes this a less effective strategy, right?

Lady Davers and her nephew are ridiculously rude to Pamela, because if there’s one single believable thing in this book, it’s that rich people fucking hate poor people.

She asked [Mrs. Jewkes] if I was whored yet!

Speaking of…

As it has been for the whole novel, the only possible reaction to seeing an attractive woman is to sexually assault them. Even if your family is, like, right there.

“A charming girl, though!” Said her rakish nephew [...] “Dear aunt, forgive me, but I must kiss her”

Pamela tries to divert actually answering any questions, but can only give not-answers for so long. And can also only not break into tears for so long.

I could no longer refrain tears, but said, “Pray, your ladyship, let me ask what I have done[?] I never did your ladyship any harm.”

Fun fact: my copy of Pamela is a used copy from my college bookstore, and this line was underlined by a previous owner with “STOP CRYING!” written in the margins. [Ariel says: I hope that poor soul finds this blog and knows he or she is not alone.]

Lady Davers explains that she used to pity Pamela when she thought her brother had kidnapped her and raped her, but now that she thinks that Pamela instead succumbed to his advances whilst kidnapped and slept with him, now she hates her. It’s probably not worth my time to write too much critique about the gender politics in the 18th century Pamela, but fuck this noise. This is the entire plot! Why are we still talking about this book in 2014?

“I fear you have suffered yourself to be prevailed upon, and have lost your innocence [...]“
“I have not lost my innocence!”

Because this entire book is about how Pamela’s only awesome because she’s a virgin. It’s like The Madonna Whore Complex: The Novel!

Lady Davers tries to get some answers out of Mrs. Jewkes too, which has thankfully aged more hilariously:

“Answer me, fat-face!”

Pamela makes an unintentionally wry observation about this insult.

How these ladies are privileged.

Guys, this scene where the Master’s sister repeatedly calls Pamela a whore is so long, it goes on for more pages than I’ve covered in any single Pamela post. So, uh, get excited for more of this next week? Because it goes on. For, like, a really long time.

Question of the Week! Have you ever bought a used book that had something hilarious written in the margins?

So the origin of Four’s name was revealed. Can you remember how Four got his name?

Four fears. Yup. [Matthew says: Everyone reading this post is currently running a mental tally of how many sex positions they know.]

Chapter 26

Tris and Four hold hands and Tris is like OMG. Actually, it’s dumber than that.

“HAND IN HAND, we walk toward the Pit. I monitor the pressure of my hand carefully. One minute, I feel like I’m not gripping hard enough, and the next, I’m squeezing too hard.”

The sentiment itself isn’t what makes this so strange to read – of course your first time holding hands with a boy (especially when you’re from a faction like Abnegation) might cause a lot of goofy worries to race through your head. I just find it hard to believe that “I monitor the pressure of my hand carefully” would be one of them. [Matthew says: Well, we already know Tris is really into hands.]

“So…” I latch on to the last logical thought I remember. “Four fears.”

Stripping the word “logical” out of that statement would have made this true.

Four says that he had four fears when he started and four fears now, and that nothing has changed. What’s jarring about this scene is that Tris has started calling Four by his given name (Tobias). For clarity, I’ll still refer to him as Four, but some quotes may refer to him as Tobias.

Tris asks Four what his results were in the aptitude test.

“My result was as expected,” he says. “Abnegation.”

“Oh.” Something inside me deflates. I am wrong about him.

But—I had assumed that if he was not Divergent, he must have gotten a Dauntless result. And technically, I also got an Abnegation result—according to the system. Did the same thing happen to him? And if that’s true, why isn’t he telling me the truth?

Four also explains that he had to leave Abnegation because of his abusive father. Four also goes on to say that he doesn’t always feel like he really belongs in Dauntless even though he’s sooo totally awesome and only has four fears. [Matthew says: This is like reading a bunch of middle schoolers realize that just because they listen to Nine Inch Nails, they don't have to shop at Hot Topic.]

He says, “I have a theory that selflessness and bravery aren’t all that different. All your life you’ve been training to forget yourself, so when you’re in danger, it becomes your first instinct. I could belong in Abnegation just as easily.”

You’re telling me that not everyone has this realisation? This would be like if only one person out there realized that Oreos were delicious. It just isn’t a very well kept secret.

After some more awkwardly exchanged compliments, Four tells Tris he likes her.

Just like that, he has finally declared himself, and I don’t know how to respond. My cheeks warm, and all I can think to say is, “But you’re older than I am…Tobias.”

A YA favourite! Oh ma gerrrd he’s a whole two years older! ~Swooooon~

To be fair, Four points out that this age gap is pretty dull as far as age gaps go. It’s certainly no Monica/Richard (that’s your Friends shoutout for the month.)

If this chapter wasn’t already YA enough for you, here’s the scene where Tris expresses lots of self doubt and shock that anyone could be interested in her. Sorry, I can’t even single YA out this happens in plenty of “adult” novels like Fifty Shades. [Matthew says: So maybe this is if this chapter didn't have enough of the patriarchy for you. Because maybe for some reason this is of concern to you?]

“I’m not trying to be self-deprecating,” I say, “I just don’t get it. I’m younger. I’m not pretty. I—”

Why couldn’t Tris just keep acting like Tris and not say stuff like this? Part of what I like about her is that it’s not easy to get her to show vulnerability and she seems to feel kind of gross whenever she shows any. I don’t know why this moment would completely change that even if omgaboy told her he was into her.

He laughs, a deep laugh that sounds like it came from deep inside him, and touches his lips to my temple.

“Don’t pretend,” I say breathily. “You know I’m not. I’m not ugly, but I am certainly not pretty.”

“Fine. You’re not pretty. So?” He kisses my cheek. “I like how you look. You’re deadly smart. You’re brave. And even though you found out about Marcus…” His voice softens. “You aren’t giving me that look. Like I’m a kicked puppy or something.”

I find this scene appallingly awkward. Does Veronica Roth think this is supposed to be daring because Tris’ love interest tells her she’s not pretty but that he likes he anyway? Like she’s championing all non-pretty girls in the world as though there’s one standard for what make someone pretty? Hey guys, you’re not pretty, not even a guy who likes you will think you’re pretty, but he’ll be cool with the way you look and love you for your insides and how you don’t care if he’s damaged. [Matthew says: F'reals, let's think about this for a second. At its core, this is basically a "it's not what's on the outside, but what's on the inside that counts". That's a GOOD message, and even THAT got distorted into a patriarchical "you're so special, only you can help ME with my MAN PAIN" if the writing frames it the wrong way.]

For a few minutes we kiss, deep in the chasm, with the roar of water all around us. And when we rise, hand in hand, I realize that if we had both chosen differently, we might have ended up doing the same thing, in a safer place, in gray clothes instead of black ones.

Abnegation doesn’t sound like a very big faction, and given their fathers worked together in the government, I don’t get how Tris never saw Four when they were both in Abnegation together for what 14 years if Tobias left when he was 16 and Tris was 14?

Chapter 27

It’s weird how in one chapter I can be really annoyed with how Tris/Four is treated, and in the next I’m totally cool with it.

Tris is really happy and can’t stop smiling the next day, and she wonders what’s going to happen when Four walks into the cafeteria. Will he smile at her? Wave? Burp in her general direction?

I grab a piece of toast from the plate in the middle of the table and start to butter it with a little too much enthusiasm. I feel myself acting like a lunatic, but I can’t stop. It would be like refusing to breathe.

Dear teenage girls of America, always be yourself and butter your toast any way you like!

[Matthew says: I rather liked this scene, interestingly. It reminded me of, like, that nervous anticipation in college when you're in the cafeteria, waiting to see when the person you finally hooked up with the previous night will come in. It seemed like a very honest portrayal of that, and boy do those emotions look silly from the outside.]

Then he walks in. His hair is shorter, and it looks darker this way, almost black. It’s Abnegation short, I realize. I smile at him and lift my hand to wave him over, but he sits down next to Zeke without even glancing in my direction, so I let my hand drop.

I stare at my toast. It is easy not to smile now.

Awww Tris! Poor sad Tris and toast. “You’re my only boyfriend now, Toast.” Tris whispered sadly at the toast that she’d buttered in a fit of joy moments before.

Later, it’s time for more fear landscapes. [Matthew says: Everyone's favorite thing that is totally different from the previous fear simulations.]

Lauren, the instructor of the Dauntless-born initiates, stands with her hands on her hips outside the fear landscape room.

“Two years ago,” she says, “I was afraid of spiders, suffocation, walls that inch slowly inward and trap you between them, getting thrown out of Dauntless, uncontrollable bleeding, getting run over by a train, my father’s death, public humiliation, and kidnapping by men without faces.”

I wonder if my fear landscape would be this mix of usual but also weirdly specific fears. Like would it be along the lines of “I’m scared of having my eyeballs stabbed with glass or slit with razors, getting diarrhea in public, getting pushed off the Eiffel Tower, being beaten up by 1-2 members of One Direction, Chipotle going out of business, and being forced by men without faces to eat hotpockets for every meal”? [Matthew says: See, this is why I'm calling bullshit on this whole "these are your only fears ever" concept. Anyone who says they aren't scared of getting diarrhea in public is a goddamned liar.]

“Most of you will have anywhere from ten to fifteen fears in your fear landscapes. That is the average number,” she says.

“What’s the lowest number someone has gotten?” asks Lynn.

“In recent years,” says Lauren, “four.”

Woah. That person sounds so cool they should be named after this sweet fact!

Today, everyone will be going through Lauren’s fear simulation somehow. More specifically, they’ll each be facing one of her fears. I give up even trying to remotely understand how this is meant to be feasible. [Matthew says: I don't understand why this would be useful. One person's getting beaten up by two members of One Direction is another person's wet dream. Hypothetically.]

While waiting for their turn, the initiates can only watch the reaction of the initiates currently participating in the fear landscape.

It is the perfect way to distract myself from my preoccupation with Tobias—clenching my hands into fists as Will brushes off spiders I can’t see and Uriah presses his hands against walls that are invisible to me, and smirking as Peter turns bright red during whatever he experiences in “public humiliation.” Then it’s my turn.

I hope Peter’s public humiliation is just various ways that Tris can embarrass him in public, like pulling his towel off and having everyone point and laugh at his penis or something. I mean, that’s pretty much what he deserves if we’re doing an eye for an eye.

When it’s her turn, Tris fails the simulation because Lauren’s fear becomes her own or some nonsense. It would make sense if Tris intentionally failed this, but given she’s meant to be great at overcoming these fears because of her Divergent as fuckness, I don’t understand.

For unknown reasons to Tris, Four acts like a douche. For known reasons to us he acts like a douche because he must hide love away or what have you:

“What the hell was that, Stiff?”

“I…” My breath comes in a hiccup. “I didn’t—”

“Get yourself together! This is pathetic.”

Something within me snaps. My tears stop. Heat races through my body, driving the weakness out of me, and I smack him so hard my knuckles burn with the impact. He stares at me, one side of his face bright with blush-blood, and I stare back.

“Shut up,” I say. I yank my arm from his grasp and walk out of the room.

I wish every chapter ended with someone telling Four to shut up. I don’t know you guys, it’s not that I find him quite as unappealing as other love interests in the books we read here, but I certainly am not a fan. How do you guys feel about Four/Tobias?

Having recently tried and failed to meet Hannah Hart at a book signing because I completely forgot about things like “capacity” and “waiting in line”, today I’m going to try to meet XKCD‘s Randall Monroe at a book signing, and see if I ever learn from my mistakes. [Ariel says: Omg you're such a Pamela.] 

Chapter 28

Once again, I get a chapter that starts with Tris staring over the city by herself contemplating who she is, because Divergent is trying really hard to put me back into the shoes of a teenager. This time Tris’s crisis is over her poor results in the first public fear landscape, and she decides that since she’s forbidden from seeing her parents in her old faction, no one technically said she couldn’t see her family in their new faction. Although people have explicitly said she can’t leave, but that’s beside the point. Let’s go see what Caleb is up to when Tris happens to run into him in the middle of Chicago.

The Erudite buildings loom above me, dark and unfamiliar. How will I find Caleb here? [...] the main Erudite building would be a library. [...]
“I am looking for someone,” I say [to the man at the front desk]. “His name is Caleb. [...] He’s an initiate. Can you at least tell me where I can find them?”
“Beatrice?” a voice behind me says.

Wow, that was lucky! That might have been the biggest coincidence we’ve ever seen in a BBGT novel. It takes most people longer to open a bag of Doritos than it took Tris to find Caleb. [Ariel says: This was a missed opportunity to have a hilarious scene where Caleb is paged to the front of the Erudite compound like you would call a missing child to the front of a supermarket.]

You know how we’ve been making fun of the mindless conformity to the simplistic stereotypes over at Dauntless? Apparently Erudite is the hipster faction.

“You have a tattoo,” he says, his voice muffled.
“You have glasses,” I say. [...] “Your vision is perfect, Caleb, what are you doing?”

Pictured: Basically actual legitimate theme in Divergent, somehow.

[Ariel says: God damnit, Matthew, we really do have the same brain. I was so excited to write my hipster joke here! In the sense that all I'd written was "Ha ha Caleb is a Hipster now" and felt really proud of  the observation.]

Tris and Caleb go off to talk about how the others’ self-imposed conformity to a simplistic stereotype is bad, in contrast to their own. Before things get too dangerously self-aware and force the novel to have to actually make a point about this, they change topic and discuss the plot.

“Something big is happening, Beatrice. Something is wrong. [...] I don’t know what it is, but people keep rushing around, talking quietly, and Jeanine gives speeches about how corrupt Abnegation is all the time [...] I don’t know what to believe.”
“Yes, you do,” I say sternly. “You know who are parents are. [...]“
“How much do I know? How much did they allow me to know? We weren’t allowed to ask questions, Beatrice [...] Here information is free, it’s always available.”

Tris storms off (because knowledge is evil), but tells Caleb about the MacGuffin first.

“Not that it will matter to you, but Mom told me to tell you to research the simulation serum.”
“You saw her?” He looks hurt. [...]
“The Erudite don’t let Abnegation into their compound anymore. Wasn’t that information available to you?”

Okay, why are we supposed to be taking this subplot seriously? Caleb’s still going through Erudite initiation. Are we supposed to believe he can just walk into the simulation serum lab and ask if he can work with them? Even if he could, wouldn’t there be, I don’t know, some prerequisites? Dauntless barely let their initiates tie their own shoes, and we’re supposed to believe that the plot is being driven in the background by the prospective student asking to join the graduate lab and having any clue what the fuck is going on?

Pictured: Basically an actual subplot in Divergent, somehow.

Anyway, eventually someone realizes Tris shouldn’t be there, and she gets taken directly to the main antagonist, Jeanine the Erudite representative. Man, if coincidences were handcuffs, this chapter would be Christian Grey’s red room of pain. [Ariel says: This would only be more of a coincidence if Jeanine was Four's sister who had to leave Abnegation because of the abused she suffered at her father's hands.]

“Sit,” she says again. I have definitely heard her voice before.
I heard it in the hallway, talking to Eric, before I got attacked. I heard her mention Divergents.

That was easy!

In what’s largely an infodump kind of scene, we learn that Jeanine invented the aptitude test (which she calls “by far my greatest achievement as a scientist”, which is sort of like saying your greatest achievement was learning how to tie your shoes), and that someone has finally noticed that all of Tris’s test results keep getting mysteriously deleted. In her narration, Tris immediately realizes that Jeanine is a real threat, but asks a really good question about why.

But what is so threatening about my ability to manipulate the simulations?

GOOD QUESTION, TRIS. I, TOO, WONDER ABOUT THIS.

Tris plays into her expectations of the Dauntless stereotype to assuage Jeanine’s suspicions that she might be Dauntless, which means the book manages to get even less subtle.

“You know why I chose Dauntless? [...] It’s because I was bored. [...] I was tired of being a wussy do-gooder and I wanted out.”

Speaking of less subtle, take a minute to wonder why Jeanine is evil. Did you guess, “Because she is evil”? Golly gee, how’d ya know?

“So you don’t miss your parents?” she asks delicately. [...] “Can I take that to mean…” Jeanine purses her lips and pauses for a few seconds before finishing. “…that you agree with the reports that have been released about the political leaders of this city?”

It’s boring stuff like this that make me really miss the “the world isn’t split into good people and Death Eaters” of Harry Potter, because what’s going on in Divergent is the exact opposite of that. A lot gets lost in the subtlety. Like characters. [Ariel says: I also hate how Jeanine is meant to be this brilliant scientist but her logic is so childish and stupid. Oh, so if you don't like ice-cream it must mean you like to eat turds!"]

Jeanine also tells Tris that she’s one of two people to ever get an Abnegation result and switch to Dauntless, which makes Tris wonder if Four/Tobias is also Divergent! You know, again. Speaking of that guy, guess who shows up to save Tris (again) when she’s returned to Eric? [Ariel says: I guess since there's no more "Will They? Won't They?" happening, there has to be a "Is he Divergent? Isn't he Divergent?" question.]

But first, a can of worms:

 I have never seen [Eric] like this. He is not a maniac anymore; he is perfectly controlled, perfectly poised. Careful and quiet.
For the first time, I recognize Eric for what he is: an Erudite disguised as a Dauntless

Are we supposed to take this literally? Because… wow, this raises a lot of narrative problems. Wouldn’t this make Eric Divergent? Why are Divergents a threat to society to be eliminated if they use Divergents to hunt them? [Ariel says: Right?? Wouldn't it then make more sense if Tris and other Divergents were strategically placed in positions where they were seemingly given power but actually being carefully controlled like Eric?]

Anyway, Four shows up and saves Tris again. This time by fabricating a wacky misunderstanding!

“I… I was just embarrassed and didn’t know what to do.” [...] I look up at Eric, sniffing. “I tried to… and…” I shake my head.
“You tried to what?” asks Eric.
“Kiss me,” says Tobias. “And I rejected her, and she went running off like a five-year-old. There’s really nothing to blame her for but stupidity.” [...]
Eric looks from me to Tobias and laughs

They leave Eric’s office and make out. Okay, no, they don’t, but you’ll wish it were only that obnoxiously adorable in three… two…

“Why do you care anyway?” I say. “You can be either cruel instructor or concerned boyfriend. [...]“
“I am not cruel.” He scowls at me. “I was protecting you this morning. [If people knew about us,] they would always call your ranking a result of my favoritism rather than your skill.” [...]
“You didn’t have to insult me to prove something to them,” I say finally. [...]
“Sometimes I forget that I can hurt you. That you are capable of being hurt.” [...]
I stand on my tiptoes, lift my head, and kiss him. Only our lips touch. [...]
“I’ve been thinking about this for a long time,” he says, kissing me briefly. “How I would handle it, if you and I…” He pulls back and smiles. “Did I hear you call me your boyfriend, Tris?”

Okay, I’m fucking sorry, but is “I forgot I can hurt you” supposed to be cute? Guess it’s time to pull out the abusive relationship checklist for Divergent! [Ariel says: Also, boyfriend? They kissed once!]

Because this chapter won’t end already, Christina’s also getting her mack on, and it has to happen in a really sexist way.

“Can you be a girl for a few seconds?”
“I’m always a girl.” I frown.
“You know what I mean. Like a silly annoying girl.”

Let’s see if you’ve been paying attention.

I have no idea what this is from, but goddamn if it wasn’t exactly what I was looking for.

Christina tells Tris that Will kissed her, and OH, FUCK ME SIDEWAYS. MORE HETERONORMATIVITY?

“[There were] little things… [like] how he opens doors for me like I’m a girl instead of someone who could beat the crap out of him.”

The point of the scene is probably supposed to show how Tris is sad she has to hide her relationship with Four, but really it just shows that this future dystopia that fits every member of society into one of five stereotypes also has very reductionist thinking towards gender. [Ariel says: I'm surprised at this point there wasn't a Girly Girl faction called the Sparkle Rainbow Princesses who were basically just like the Plastics from Mean Girls.]

Tris and Four sneak out somewhere in the city that night and Four explains more of the plot.

 “Two things you should know about me. The first is that I am deeply suspicious of people in general [...] and the second is that I am unexpectedly good with computers.”

I’ll take ways a person would literally never describe themselves for $500, Alec! This would be like someone saying, “I am unexpectedly good at vacuuming.” Why is this unexpected? Why would Four find this unexpected about himself? This isn’t a way people talk about themselves, this is the way an author outlines a character on a bar napkin.

Anyway, what did Four unexpectedly find on the Dauntless computers he unexpectedly used his unexpected mad hacker skillz on?

“What I discovered was what looked like war plans. Thinly veiled commands, supply lists maps [...] sent by Erudite.” [...]
“War on Abnegation?”
[...] “The faction that controls the government. Yes.” [...]
“They’re going to use us,” I say.
“I wonder,” he says, “how they plan to get us to fight.”

Yes, in a book that has been shoving brain-altering drugs in our faces since the first chapter, this is a huge mystery.

In completely unrelated news, my sister finished her second week of college classes this week! What’s some of your best College Advice? Or worst college advice? She’ll figure it out.

Last week, nothing happened. This week nothing + anal on a plane happens. Now that you know that, do I even have to write about this chapter?

[Matthew says: I'm just gonna go ahead and put this gif here so we can get this joke out of the way:

Now back to the smut.]

Chapter 18

Before getting in to Gideon’s limo so they can head off on their weekend getaway, Eva leaves a weird voicemail for Cary asking him to consider moving some place new with her and Gideon. I can’t imagine which situation I’d hate more, being a couple and living with Cary, or being Cary and living with Eva and Gideon.

Once inside the limo, Eva tells Gideon what happened with her mother at lunch, sexism ensues much to everyone’s surprise I’m sure.

“She’s so focused on money. That’s nothing new, but I’m used to her acting like it’s just common sense to want financial security. Today, she seemed … sad. Resigned.”

His thumb stroked soothingly over my knuckles. “Maybe she’s feeling guilty for cheating.”

“She should! But I don’t think that’s it. I think it’s something else, but I don’t have a clue.”

“Do you want me to look into it?”

I’m genuinely shocked neither of them suggested getting Cary to Google around the problem. Even more confusingly, I’m not actually sure where Day is going with this weird, tiny thread of plot. [Matthew says: To be fair, we say that about everything in this book.] Is she leading towards some sort of astonishing reason that Eva’s mother is so obsessed with money to the point where it keeps her from being with the love of her life? She’s already said that even though she has tons of money on her own it isn’t enough for her to go be with Eva’s father…could she be being blackmailed? Or is this just like, “She had all of her lunch money stolen as a child, and she’s never gotten over that.”

Anyway, here’s the sexism I promised:

I turned my head to meet his gaze. I didn’t answer right away, thinking it over. “I do, yes. But I feel icky about it, too. I researched you, Dr. Lucas, Corinne … I keep digging for people’s secrets instead of just asking about them outright.”

“So ask her,” he said, in that matter-of-fact male way.

“I did. She said she’d talk about it when I wasn’t upset.”

“Women,” he scoffed, with warm amusement in his eyes.

Those silly women can never be matter-of-fact with all of those pesky feelings getting in the way all the time.

And where does Gideon get off acting like this is a women-centric issue? He’s always avoiding telling Eva the truth about things for even dumber reasons. “Oh, you were in the middle of eating chicken, so I felt like I should wait to tell you I saw Corinne last night.” Nice try, Gideon, but I’ve got my eye on you.

As soon as they’re on the plane, the theme of the chapter drastically shifts to being about control. I vaguely remember when this series seemed like it was going to be more focused on using BDSM/power play in the bedroom to help the characters move on from on their pasts. [Matthew says: No idea why we would have thought that.] But it’s actually almost never mentioned unlike all the showers/baths that are taken together. Well, apparently it’s a thing again!

I loved being at his mercy. As much as I loved making him lose his mind over me, I couldn’t deny that his control was a major turn-on. I knew how absolute that control could be, which made it possible for me to trust him completely. I didn’t think there was anything I wouldn’t allow him to do to me.

Which was a conviction that would be tested sooner rather than later, I realized when I entered the sleeping cabin and saw the red silk-and-suede restraints lying so prettily on the white comforter.

Also, I don’t understand what she means by, “I knew how absolute that control could be, which made it possible for me to trust him completely.” So if he was only partially controlling that would be more difficult to trust because he’s not, what, fully committing?

What’s more interesting here than ever was in Fifty Shades is that Eva talks about how she can understand Gideon’s desire to possess and dominate her completely, because she feels the urge to do the same to him. [Matthew says: That's a good point, I guess. Fifty Shades's Ana only ever seemed as involved in the proceedings as the bedsheets.]

There’s a lot of genuine love and trust going on in this scene as Gideon talks Eva through everything and makes sure she’s comfortable. Like this,

“Let’s be very clear about this, Eva. Your safeword isn’t for me. It’s for you. All you have to say to me is no or stop, but just like wearing the cuffs makes you feel bound, saying your safeword will put your mind in the right place. Do you understand?”

As usual, I’m momentarily impressed by this series, only to then be irritated/disgusted/angry shortly after.

“Ah, Eva. You’ve got the greediest cunt. I’m going to spend the rest of my life keeping it satisfied.”

Day has got to be doing this on purpose. You can’t start writing a half-way decent scene only to plummet into complete nastiness. Either that or it’s a weird writing tick she can’t control. Cause she can’t possibly be like, “Shit, I completely forgot to mention Eva’s greedy cunt! My fans will never forgive me.” [Matthew says: I mean... maybe! Eva's vagina is always described as greedy (always), so in a way it's the novel's most consistently-defined character.]

Most of the sex scene is actually skipped over, and the next scene has Eva waking up after their post-coital nap. She finds some lotion in one of the nearby drawers and gets a “wicked” idea.

Taking a deep breath of courage, I set the tube of lotion on his stomach. “I want to be inside you, ace.”

Don’t get me wrong, even though I don’t find this sexy, I still applaud Day for how she’s handling this part of the book again. Eva is really considerate of Gideon and is really focussed on making this good for both of them. However, this does seem to be taken way too seriously as well.

Running my hands down his chest, I gentled him, let him feel my love for him. How I worshipped him. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for him, except give up.

I won’t give up on trying to penetrate you, Gideon, I won’t!

This scene was decently written, and by “decently written” I mean I wasn’t disgusted the whole time. But it was really unclear whether or not Gideon was enjoying himself or not because of moments like this:

I was gentler with him. Opening my mouth, I sucked his cock. I let the lotion warm on my fingers before I rubbed it against him. And I waited for him to push out for me, to flower open, before I pushed inside with a single finger.

The sound that rattled from him then was like nothing I’d ever heard. It was the cry of a wounded animal, but filled with soul-deep pain. He froze against me, breathing hard against my sex, his finger buried deep, his hard body quivering.

What does that even mean? Can’t wounded animals feel soul-deep pain? And why doesn’t this seem to concern Eva enough for her to stop and see if he’s cool with her continuing? [Matthew says: PRO WRITING TIP: Maybe don't write the words "the cry of a wounded animal" or "filled with soul-deep pain" in your sex scenes?]

I pulled my mouth off him and crooned, “I’m in you now, baby. You’re doing so good. I’m going to make you feel so good.”

He gasped when I slid a little deeper, my fingertip gliding over his prostate. “Eva!”

His cock swelled even further, turning red, the thick veins standing out along its length, pre-ejaculate spurting onto his lower belly. He was hard as stone, curving up to a point just past his navel. I’d never seen him so aroused and it made me so hot.

Given Eva has told Gideon that even if his body looks like it’s enjoying something it doesn’t mean it’s not a violation, you’d think she’d be more concerned about making sure he’s actually enjoying himself emotionally. But I guess everything is well and good.

It wasn’t until his body stilled that I pulled away, turning around shakily to pull him into my arms. We were a sweaty, sticky mess and I loved that it didn’t matter.

Gideon buried his damp face between my breasts and cried.

Sorry for spoilers, but when I first read this I thought Gideon was so disturbed by what had happened that he was crying, and I felt horrible for him. This was a completely reasonable thought given the whole wounded animal/deep-soul pain moment.

But then the beginning of the next chapter describes this as the orgasm of his life, so I guess it was just that good actually. I just wanted to clarify so none of you wasted any time feeling sorry for him or anything. You’re welcome.

Question: Would you rather live with Cary or Eva/Gideon?

Did you know that Randall Monroe, the guy who does xkcd, has a totally awesome new book out for his side-project What If? Because it’s hilarious and smart, and you’re reading this blog, so you seem like you might like that sort of stuff. I was lucky enough to make it to his book signing in New York! And I got to have a very brief conversation with him about how neither of us “get” chemistry as much as the other sciences, which might be why the picture below looks entirely too serious.

Here’s that picture of me with an actual internet celebrity you totally always wanted.

[Ariel says: In Ariel related news, I’ve been really sick, so I started watching the new Sailor Moon series today, and it made me feel like a kid again. I still want to be a sailor scout, even though they make no sense at all. The nail polish during the transformation scenes alone is cray. 

Day 62 (Still)

You might recall last week we sat through so many pages of Lady Davers calling Pamela a whore that I had save half for this week because this was somehow the longest scene yet in Pamela. That sure doesn’t say anything about misogyny in the media.

This week we return to the scene with Lady Davers removing Pamela’s gloves and spying her wedding ring! Lady Davers abuses Pamela so much after this discovery that Pamela… eats her fan?

I was so vexed, I bit a piece of my fan out, not knowing what I did; but still I said nothing, and did nothing but flutter it, and fan myself.

I have no idea. [Ariel says: This is my favourite scene of Pamela hands down. It's the most ridiculous form of anger expression ever. ]

Well, if we have to slog through twenty pages of Pamela and Lady Davers fighting, is there any good stuff? How about Pamela’s legendary wit we’ve been hearing about for almost 400 pages?

“If [attending] to your ladyship [...] was required of me, I would most gladly do it, were I only the person you think me; but, if it be to triumph over one who has received honors, that she thinks require her to act another part, [...] I must say, I cannot do it.”

Come on. If we have to sit through twenty pages of Lady Davers and Pamela at peak verbal dueling, there have to be sicker burns than last week’s “fat face!“

Pamela points out that no answer she could give Lady Davers would satisfy her: if she denies the marriage, she’ll be accused of lying, but if she admits it, she’ll be accused of falling for a sham wedding. This is one of the few times where Pamela and the readers’ interests align perfectly: both want this scene to be over already. The way Pamela tries to get away from Lady Davers, however, is… probably the worst idea?

YES, SHE REALLY DOES THAT LAST ONE. If you think that Ariel and I are occasionally unfair in our readings of the books on this blog, Lady Davers is like an even meaner BBGT:

“‘My dearest Pamela,’ – Mighty well! – ‘I hope my not coming home this night will not frighten you!’ – Vastly tender, indeed! And did it frighten you, child?” [...] ‘I count every hour of this little absence for a day!’ [...] One may see love is a new thing to him. Here is a very tedious time gone since he saw his deary; no less than, according to his amorous calculation, a dozen days and nights, at least! And yet TEDIOUS as it is, it is but a LITTLE absence. Well said, my good, accurate, and consistent brother.”

And a more nitpicky one.

“‘we’ – Note the significant ‘we!'”

This goes on for a while – because god forbid Richardson write something and only use it once – and eventually Pamela realizes that showing the Master’s sister a love letter from him so she’ll stop yelling at her for being involved with him wasn’t her best idea.

To be sure, I had better have kept the letter from her.

This scene continues to go on for a while, until Pamela can’t resist an “I am as much married as your ladyship!” quip, which makes things worse. Eventually, Pamela comes to the natural conclusion that the only reasonable course of action by this point is to jump out the window and run to a carriage to escape. To be fair, this is probably the only exciting scene in the novel thus far, but Pamela still isn’t really aware of how ridiculous it is. [Ariel says: I would have preferred a physical altercation, but I guess this is amusing in its own right and somehow more acceptable?]

“The creature flies like a bird!” And, indeed, Mr. Colbrand, with his huge strides, could hardly keep pace with me.

Pamela, a working class house servant, outruns Colbrand, the hired muscle. I get that Pamela is the best at everything, but… this is really not believable? This is like the 18th century equivalent of Travis dual-wielding glocks. [Ariel says: Or the equivalent of Zoey having an affinity for all the fucking elements + cats. Can't anyone else be good at something?]

Pamela eventually gets to the fancy dinner party with the Master and their upper class friends, and the book very briefly becomes Fifty Shades of Grey. Again.

“O madam,” said [Miss Darnford], “ten times welcome! But you’ll be beat, I can tell you! For here has been Mr. B— come these two hours, and is very angry with you.”

[Ariel says: One difference I only just noticed about the Crossfire books is that Eva actually comes from money/is used to all of these fancy situations unlike Pamela and Ana. As annoying as Eva's life is (why yes, I do live in a fabulous apartment in New York that I don't pay for, but I have to work at a fabulous job to show everyone I can make it on my own even though I'm not making it on my own at all!) at least we don't have to deal with her constantly feeling out of place/out of her element at fancy events.] 

So why does this 18th century novel look so obviously like abusive and outdated misogyny, when this exact same “oh, the man is angry at the woman OH NO” happens in Fifty Shades and people are all over that?
Pamela explains a bit to the Master about his sister and why she’s late so that he isn’t angry at her anymore (what a guy), but, well, remember when the Master mansplained how not to spoil a good mood?

“I’ll tell you all another time; for to take up the good company’s attention now will spoil their pleasantry, and be to them, though more important to me, like the broken china you cautioned me about.”
“That’s a dear girl!” Said he. “I see my hints are not thrown away upon you.”

And that’s the end of that somehow absurdly long scene where the Master’s sister called a woman she suspected to be involved with him a whore. WELL, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE, WOULDN’T IT? Because much like how Pamela writes and rewrites every single little thing that ever happens to her, so she must tell everyone the entire story of what happened to her. And write down everything she tells them. Which she already wrote down from when it happened to her.

I’m not making this up. Pamela retells the whole thing, and we literally read it word-for-word twice.

“I then said, ‘If [attending] to your ladyship [...] was required of me, I would most gladly do it, were I only the person you think me; but, if it be to triumph over one who has received honors, that she thinks require her to act another part, [...] I must say, I cannot do it.’ This quite astonished her ladyship.”

PAMELA, IT WASN’T EVEN THAT CLEVER THE FIRST TIME.

The Master listens to Pamela’s story and while he’s horrified, he knows that his sister only did this because of “her love for me, though thus oddly expressed”, which would be an understatement. Because rereading this all a second time wasn’t great enough, now we get it with commentary from the Master, and it’s totally not condescending!

“But did you wait upon her?” [The Master said.] “If you did, and knew not what belonged to your character [...], I shall be very angry with you.”

Why did Pamela try so hard to get to this guy again?

Anyway, as you might imagine, retelling the entirety of the book’s longest scene takes a really long time, so we’re still going to be talking about how Lady Davers called Pamela a whore next week too. Seriously, media has a huge problem with misogyny.

QUESTION OF THE DAY: Do you guys remember that reality show Trading Spouses, which was exactly what it sounds like? Who do you think would be more interesting? Pamela and Christian Grey, or Anastasia Steele and the Master?

[Ariel says: Omg! I should have watched that while I was home sick today. I used to do that in high school, and I'd be so soothed by the sounds of the traded spouse fighting with the other person's spouse. Good times!]

When we last left off, Tris had just met the evil villain who is evil for some reason. She’s super annoying.

Chapter 29

But now it’s time to take a break from worrying about villains to worry about Dauntless initiation! Oh the stress of it all.

In case you had any doubts, Dauntless initiation is not like Abnegation initiation. Because a lot of people reading this book probably hadn’t gotten the point that each faction is Different.

One of the older members reads the Abnegation manifesto, which is a short paragraph about forgetting the self and the dangers of self-involvement. Then all the older members wash the initiates’ feet. Then they all share a meal, each person serving food to the person on his left.

The Dauntless don’t do that.

Orly, Tris? Thank you for that much-needed clarification. I would have just assumed that feet washing was an integral part of any initiation. I mean, you can’t spell initiation without feet washing. I’m totally down with the food sharing, though.

The Dauntless of course get wasted. I’m only surprised they didn’t incorporate jumping from random heights as well. I mean where are the trains? Come on. [Matthew says: This actually seems sort of tame for the Dauntless. We've already seen Four and his friends get drunk with no particular fanfare. Maybe initiation is when they break out the everclear and peach schnaps.]

The dormitory, at least, is quiet. I stare at my plate of food. I just grabbed what looked good to me at the time, and now that I take a closer look, I realize that I chose a plain chicken breast, a scoop of peas, and a piece of brown bread. Abnegation food.

I’m genuinely shocked Abnegation doesn’t just eat oatmeal at every meal. Eating something as colorful as green peas is surely a distraction from doing selfless things! [Matthew says: This sounds like Trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for peas!]

Tris starts thinking about how naturally being in Abnegation comes to her, which contradicts everything she’s previously said about Abnegation, specifically why she left. Of course she’d have some habits from growing up in Abnegation, but Tris constantly points out to us how often it isn’t her first instinct to act all Abnegation. [Matthew says: Tris is so Divergent, even her character motivation is Divergent.]

It’s now time for the initiates to face their final fear landscape. I’ll believe this is the final fear landscape when this series is over.

The room is large and contains another screen, similar to the one outside. A line of people sit in chairs in front of it. Eric is one of them, and so is Max. The others are also older. Judging by the wires connected to their heads, and their blank eyes, they are observing the simulation.

No one else can see the simulation but these judges. This reads like a twisted version of American Idol or every other singing competition ever. Seriously, name as many of these as you can in the comments below off memory and not from using Google. Eric is sooo Paula Abdul.

Chapter 30

It’s Tris turn in the fear landscape!

I step into the room, armed not with a gun or a knife, but with the plan I made the night before. Tobias said that stage three is about mental preparation—coming up with strategies to overcome my fears.

Why in the fuck would Tris have been armed with a gun or knife for this? It’s all in her head, what good would waving a knife around do? In fact, that would actually be far more dangerous than any fear landscape! [Matthew says: See, this is what happens when a book holds the reader's hand through every single metaphor. Even we get confused by a metaphor as basic as figurative language. Speaking of metaphors...]

It’s time to have ALL THE METAPHORS EXPLAINED!

Guess what, Tris was never actually afraid of crows. It was about…control….

What combats powerlessness? Power. And the first time I felt powerful in the Dauntless compound was when I was holding a gun.

A lump forms in my throat and I want the talons off. The bird squawks and my stomach clenches, but then I feel something hard and metal in the grass. My gun.

I point the gun at the bird on my shoulder, and it detaches from my shirt in an explosion of blood and feathers.

Tris is basically playing Duck Hunt to combat her fear landscape, and it sounds really fun. I mean, it sounds horrible because she’s shooting actual birds, but I really love me some good old fashioned Duck Hunt. [Matthew says: So, basically, learning to overcome your fears means pretending really hard you have a weapon, so you can murder your fears. Someone please tell me what the shit this book is about. I'm really fucking lost.]

Remember when Tris was stuck in the glass box and drowning in front of her friends? It wasn’t about drowning. 

The tank again. I am not afraid of drowning. This is not about the water; it is about my inability to escape the tank. It is about weakness. I just have to convince myself that I am strong enough to break the glass.

This seems like it’s equally about not being in control. What if Tris WAS just afraid of drowning or of being attacked by birds? Why do they all have to be metaphors? [Matthew says: How is "inability to escape the tank" not ALSO a metaphor? Is Tris that much more likely to find herself trapped in a tank than she is a body of water?]

After Tris breaks out of the glass box, she’s suddenly in a large body of water trying not to drown again…and again it’s actually a metaphor for being out of control.

I must not really be afraid of the water. I must be afraid of being out of control. To face it, I have to regain control.

Why even have this fear in the first place if she was already trying not to drown in the previous scene. It’s not even like it symbolised a different fear!

Tris then is being burned alive by the other initiates. No mention of a metaphor is made, so I guess she’s finally just afraid of being burned alive by the others.

Peter: Do you smell that, Tris? That’s your burning flesh.

Tris: Know what I smell?

[Matthew says: Brain simulations... guns materializing from nothing... Tris knows kung fu...]

Tris’ next fear is more legitimately creepy. Back in her childhood room, this happens:

I look at the reflection in the mirror: my wide eyes, the bed with the gray sheets pulled taut, the dresser that holds my clothes, the bookcase, the bare walls. My eyes skip to the window behind me.

And to the man standing just outside.

Cold drops down my spine like a bead of sweat, and my body goes rigid. I recognize him. He is the man with the scarred face from the aptitude test. He wears black and he stands still as a statue. I blink, and two men appear at his left and right, just as still as he is, but their faces are featureless—skin-covered skulls.

I whip my body around, and they stand in my room. I press my shoulders to the mirror.
For a moment, the room is silent, and then fists pound against my window, not just two or four or six, but dozens of fists with dozens of fingers, slamming into the glass.

Do you guys think that everyone recognises the same man from the aptitude test? And if so, does this mean he’s based on a real person that was designed to be in the aptitude test? I bet if he’s real, he’s really uncomfortable by his level of fame. He’s just a quiet family man who doesn’t like the limelight. [Matthew says: How much do you want to bet that, like most things in Divergent, this is a promising mystery that will have an incredibly unsatisfying answer. I don't even remember who specifically this guy is from the aptitude test, and that's why you don't immediately throw metaphors at the reader before you give any context for them!]

Tris grabs a gun and tries to shoot the man, but to no avail. In fact, things just get worse:

Pale bodies—human bodies, but mangled, arms bent at odd angles, too-wide mouths with needle teeth, empty eye sockets—topple into my bedroom, one after the other, and scramble to their feet, scramble toward me.

I feel like this is as close to a zombie apocalypse that we’re ever going to get from one of these books.

But Tris’s next fear is the best one by far. Tris is suddenly with Tobias. BUT WHAT YOU SAY!?!

But I’m not afraid of Tobias. I look over my shoulder. Maybe there’s something behind me that I’m supposed to focus on. But no—behind me is just a four-poster bed.

A bed?

Tobias walks toward me, slowly.

What’s going on?

I know this shouldn’t be so funny because it sounds like he’s about to rape her, but I was expecting Tris to be like, “Tobias must be a metaphor for control again because I’m soooo scared of sex/I’m sooooo scared of love.” But actually she’s just scared of sex. This leads me to wonder if most male initiates are scared of not being able to get it up and whether this is a almost permanent fixture in their fear landscapes.

My fear is being with him. I have been wary of affection all my life, but I didn’t know how deep that wariness went.

But this obstacle doesn’t feel the same as the others. It is a different kind of fear—nervous panic rather than blind terror.

Other than to use this as a way to have the reader understand Tris better by telling rather than showing, I don’t really understand how it made it into the fear landscape. If fears can be this arbitrary, my fear landscape would consist of things like missing the bus or being late for work. This doesn’t seem like it meets the criteria. [Matthew says: Since when is Tris "wary of affection all my life"? Hasn't a major theme of the book been, "FRIENDS. I FINALLY HAVE FRIENDS."? And if she didn't know that she was even afraid of this, then what's stopping the fear landscape simulation from giving everybody fears of, oh, say, an asteroid hitting the earth, or the fall of Western civilization, or the dwindling supply of nonrenewable resources, or the existential panic of realizing you've lived an unfulfilled life, or-]

I look Simulation Tobias in the eye and say sternly, “I am not going to sleep with you in a hallucination. Okay?

You can just imagine idiotic opponents of “Yes means Yes” being like, “But this is opening up a whole can of worms because what if I sleep with her in a hallucination? Can she consent if it’s a hallucination? Man, I don’t want to go to prison cause of a fear landscape.” [Matthew says: If this technology exists, I find it very hard to believe there isn't a seedy, underground sexual fantasy simulation drug market going on.]

I laugh into my hand until my face gets hot. I must be the only initiate with this fear.

Wouldn’t it be hysterical if like one in every 5 initiates had this same fear? I bet Tris would feel pretty dumb then. [Matthew says: Does, uh, anybody else think it's kind of super fucked up that Tris's reaction to a sexual assault fear simulation is laughter?]

The last fear is that Tris is being forced by Janine to kill her parents. Given Eric is working with Janine, wouldn’t he find this fear really fucking weird/suspicious?

Instead of killing her family, Tris points the gun at herself and shoots, thus ending her fear landscape with a literal bang. Well, as literal as you can get in a hallucination. [Matthew says: And thus utterly destroying what shaky understanding we even had of what "success" meant in a fear simulation.]

I again issue my challenge to you to name every singing competition with a panel of judges. Hell, name any reality show with a panel of judged (so this includes Top Model for instance.)

I went to a Spoon concert this week! Well, you’re all caught up on my life.

Chapter 31

Tris comes out of the test-hallucination and Eric tells her that she’s completed her final evaluation, and then does something totally not suspicious:

“This [syringe] will inject you with a tracking device that will be activated only if you are reported missing. Just a precaution. [...] This is a new development, courtesy of the Erudite. We have been injecting every Dauntless throughout the day”

Not at all suspicious

To be fair, Tris does realize this is sketchy, but knows she’s kind of stuck and complies. [Ariel says: I also like how Eric's reasoning is on the same level as an excuse for why you suddenly need your significant other's password. Oh, um, this is just a precaution in case you go missing suddenly and no one can clear your internet history.] She runs into Four/Tobias, who compliments her on having only seven fears on this incredibly accurate and meaningful test of an inherently unquantifiable thing. Tris deduces that he probably didn’t see the particular fear that was Four sexually assaulting her.

“If you want some peace and quiet, you can stay with me until the banquet.”
My stomach twists.
“What is it?” he asks.
I don’t want to go back to the dormitory, and I don’t want to be afraid of him.

And lo, we’re currently fulfilling the obligatory “female character is terrified of being raped” part of the book. [Ariel says: It's especially weird given we're supposed to like Four and be rooting for him and Tris as a couple.]

Obviously, I should explain what I mean by this.

Have you noticed that rape scenes in art and media (literature, television, etc.) are kind of… in vogue lately? I’m NOT saying that stories in these mediums shouldn’t talk about this serious issue, but as a recent Guardian piece on why more women watch The Walking Dead than Game of Thrones observes, “it [is] difficult to deal with the ‘rape and torture’ upon which so many procedural dramas rely”. [Ariel says: Also, Daryl, in a word. I really heart Daryl. And zombies.] This isn’t the first time we’ve talked about this on this blog, even. We’ve criticized “the obligatory sexual assault scene” in Beautiful Disaster, Walking Disaster, and Crossfire (not linking to a specific post because it is the entire plot of Crossfire). Hell, Fifty Shades threw not one, but two different attempted rape scenes at Ana. The problem isn’t talking about how serious rape is, but it’s that it’s become terrifyingly trendy to Talk About How Serious Rape Is… except not really. It’s like the Godwin’s Law of “serious” stories prominently featuring women to use rape as narrative currency to turn the stakes up to 11. She’s not just a hero, she’s a FEMALE hero, and this is the worst problem a female hero can ever encounter ever. This is the sort of thing that Anita Sarkeesian talked about in the newest Feminist Frequency that’s sparked such an internet shitstorm (don’t look it up if you don’t want to ruin your day), except it’s not just background detail to make the world edgy: when it happens to every female main character in every story regardless of how much place it has* in that story, it brings that hollow attempt at edginess to the forefront to bask in its hollowness. It’s become cliched, ubiquitous, and cheap. How the fuck did rape become a trope?

[Ariel says: Here's my contribution to this, which is an amazing video I found on The A.V. Club. "After comics writer Gail Simone coined the phrase back in 1999, “women in refrigerators” has become shorthand for female characters forced to suffer through rape, torture, and even murder just to give their male counterparts convincing motivation and/or emotional depth."

Not applicable in all of these stories, but in Reflected in You, Eva's sexual assault is the motivator for Gideon murdering Nathan, and in Fifty Shades Christian has to come in and save Ana both times. I would say it also inspired Travis to beat people up, but Travis does that for any reason.]

(*Although to be fair, I could see how Divergent planted the seeds for Tris’s sudden fear of sexual assault when Peter felt her up during his attempt to murder her. So maybe Divergent could ultimately have something meaningful to say about this. But at the moment, and based on the quality of the book thus far, I’m not optimistic that this theme won’t simply feel tacked on.)

Anyway, WOW, that was a rough way to have to start this post! Let’s see how long it takes to get back to something we can make jokes about.

“Sometimes I wonder,” I say, as calmly as I can, “What’s in it for you. [...] So if you’re just looking for… um, you know… that…”
“What? Sex?” He scowls at me. “You know if that was all I wanted, you probably wouldn’t be the first person I would go to.”

Not yet, I see. [Ariel says: Also, why does everything Four says have to be some sort of fake out? Like, "Yeah you're not pretty...but I like how you look." It's like those feminist guy memes where it's like, "Get back in the kitchen, woman...is something I'd never say because it's super offensive."]

Of course I’m not the first person he would go to  – not the first, not the prettiest, not desirable.

For a character whose defining characteristic is how unique she is, Tris sure is indistinguishable from every other low self-esteem female protagonist we’ve read on this blog.

Yay! We can finally start using images from the Fifty Shades movie to make our points! This is a very loose definition of “yay”.

Four explains that he meant that he knew Tris wasn’t “like that”. Tris explains her fear landscape, and how she isn’t afraid of Four, but of “being with” Four. Four explains that this is “all new to me, too”. These are all quotes, by the way, just in case you were under the illusion that I was avoiding writing the word “sex” for some reason. [Ariel says: I don't think anyone would ever accuse us of shying away from writing the word sex. The amount of times this blog is categorised as porn and blocked by web providers is ridiculous. I've sent a lot of angry emails.]

Tris shows Four her new Abnegation symbol tattoo, and Four ups the stakes by revealing he has a tattoo of every faction.

“I think we’ve made a mistake,” he says softly. [...] “I want to be brave, and selfless, and smart, and kind, and honest.”

Does that answer your question?

Chapter 32

Tris goes to the banquet and Christina is all “where have you been for the past two hours” and Tris is all ;)

Then they speculate on what jobs they’ll try to get depending on their ranking, and if they made the cut. Tris muses on becoming an ambassador to the other factions, but the others were hoping she’d have aspirations to be Dauntless’s leader-in-training, because none of them can stand the thought of Peter becoming that. Will is interested in that job too, but this would only be significant if I ever remembered who Will is.

Next, they talk about their fear simulations. In response to learning that Tris is afraid of intimacy, Christina, in the grand Bad Books, Good Times tradition of snarky best friends who are really just the worst best friends, super considerately asks, “What was that like? Did someone just… try to do it with you?”

Fuck you, snarky best friend. No one even likes that stock character.

Eric goes on stage to begin the ceremony. Tris once again observes “that he was an Erudite once”, and it is still super unclear how literally we are supposed to take this, like if Eric is Dauntless, Divergent, or an Erudite/Dauntless spy that is somehow not Divergent. If only we had a clear answer to clear things up, like if we knew if he took the cheese or the knife. [Ariel says: Matt, you pointed this out before, but if he's just a spy that's amazing at passing as a member of Dauntless, then even the mysterious folks in charge of factions (or in charge of sending spies into factions??) realize how fucking stupid this system is.]

Eric reveals the rankings.

Tris is first.

Because ranking teenagers in YA novels is really hot these days, the rankings literally just appear in the book as a list:

1. Tris
2. Uriah
3. Lynn
4. Marlene
5. Peter
6. Will
7. Christina

Molly and Drew (aka Peter’s interchangeable douche-lackeys) are ranked 11th and 12th, very conveniently, and are therefore cut and factionless. Will and Christina make out in celebration, and then – SURPRISE – Tris kisses Four in front of everybody! For some reason this prompts her to figure out what we all figured out chapters ago.

Tobias’s thumb brushes over the injection site in my neck, and a few things come together at once. I don’t know how I didn’t figure this out before.

Yeah. I don’t know either, Tris. Only literally everything in this book involves mind-control. Even more strangely, this revelation happens in a way that suggests the author forgot she was writing a book and thought she was writing a BuzzFeed article. [Ariel says: It seems kind of like Roth was paying numbers by the hour and wanted to get her money's worth. Now that she's calling Four Tobias she had some extra budget to spare.]

One: Colored serum contains transmitters.
Two: Transmitters connect the mind to a simulation program.
Three: Erudite developed the serum.
Four: Eric and Max are working with the Erudite.

“Four Ways You Won’t Believe You Can Organize A Hostile Government Takeover!”

Question: If you had to rewrite any BBGT book title as the title of a BuzzFeed article, what would you come up with? (“Fifty Shades That Should Be Grey!”)

[Ariel says: I'll bite. "10 Tips for Making the Most of Your Cave Space"

"30 Ways to Know if Your Billionaire Stalker is Right for You."

Shit this reads like a bad women's magazine and not necessarily Buzzfeed. Oh well!]

Previously, our heroes engaged in anal play (do you like my foreshadowing here?). This is actually an important thing to remember before reading on, because the first part of this chapter is just Eva angsting about this. The second half is well… let’s just say this is the chapter where the book just becomes a parody of itself. “It was already a parody of itself,” you say? Yeah, I thought so too, but new, creepy heights have been reached. Also Matt’s going to have a field day comparing all of the marriage stuff to Pamela/the Master. Forced marriages never go out of style, basically. [Matthew says: Because if there's anything I wanted more of in my life, it would be talking about Pamela.]

Chapter 19

Gideon seems distant, and Eva frets that she’s pushed him too far even though he had “the orgasm of his life”. [Matthew says: I mean, even if he liked it, she pushed his sexual boundaries without asking first, so, uh, you know. That would do it.] Even though Gideon tells Eva everything is fine, and even though, “He made me feel safe and accepted, even though he was in his work persona and I wasn’t at my best, which reflected on him.” She still worries she’s fucked everything up between them.

First of all, I don’t get why she’s so grateful that he isn’t acting ashamed of her for not looking perfect? I’m never grateful to my boyfriend when we’re in public and I don’t have makeup on and he doesn’t try to pretend he doesn’t know me.

I just wished he weren’t so quiet. It made me worry. And it totally made me doubt my decision to push him after he’d told me to stop more than once. What the hell did I know about what he needed to get better?

I mean, yes, you probably should doubt that decision, that’s a no-brainer, Eva, but I really don’t believe your relationship with Gideon is over because you stuck your finger in his butt. [Matthew says: PRO RELATIONSHIP ADVICE, FROM BBGT TO YOU.] He really would have forced Eva to stop if it was that awful for him because when has Gideon had a problem being in control of a situation with Eva?

Eva continues to worry that she’s no longer Gideon’s angel but his devil even though he tells her he loves her and continues to assure her nothing is wrong. But at dinner, Eva can’t take the distance anymore!

The emotional gulf between us was growing. I couldn’t reach across it.

I pushed my plate away once I’d cleared it and realized Gideon had hardly eaten at all. He’d just forked his food around and helped me drain the bottle of wine.

He didn’t even eat his food you guys! [Matthew says: This is serious shit, based on all the post-Fifty Shades erotica we've read! Not that we've ever figured out why.] This emotional gulf that started an hour ago is too much to bear, so Eva has to run into the ocean. Yes, you read that correctly.

Taking a deep breath, I told him, “I’m sorry. I should’ve … I didn’t …” I swallowed hard. “I’m sorry, baby,” I whispered.

Shoving back from the table with a loud screech of the chair legs across the tile, I hurried away from the patio.

“Eva! Wait.”

My feet hit the warm sand and I ran toward the ocean, pulling my dress off [Matthew says: Oh, good, no one was taking their clothes off for no reason yet and I was worried this book took an unfamiliar new direction.] and colliding with water that felt as hot as a bath. It was shallow for several feet, then dropped off suddenly, plunging me in below my head. I bent my knees and sank, grateful to be submerged and hidden as I cried.

Can you imagine if you could do this after any awkward situation? “Oh my god, I overcooked the chicken! LET ME JUST GO RUN INTO THE OCEAN FOR A SEC.” The only time a scene like this worked was in Breaking Bad when Skyler just can’t take Walt’s bullshit anymore and just walks into the pool.

But it wasn’t a pool party, Hank. Not at all.

But this is like, Gideon has been kind of quiet and contemplative for the past few hours and Eva, who is always talking about how they need to talk things out, just runs away into…the ocean.

“Angel.” Gideon growled and took my mouth, kissing me hard and furious as he stalked out of the water and up the beach. He took me to the cabana and dropped me onto the chaise, covering me with his body before I fully caught my breath.

I was still dizzy when he groaned and said, “Marry me.”

And this is the part where the rest of the chapter consists of Gideon forcing Eva to marry him. You’ve been warned.

He’d been agonizing over popping the question, not because he was leaving me.

“Tomorrow,” he bit out, rubbing his cheek against mine. The first tingle of stubble roughened his jaw, the sensation jolting me into a deeper awareness of where we were and what he wanted.

“I—” My mind stuttered to a halt again.

“The word is yes, Eva.” He pushed up and stared down at me fiercely. “Real simple—yes.”

Is it that simple, Gideon? You’ve been dating a few months, the last time you talked about this Eva seemed reluctant at best, and you can’t even sleep in the same bed together yet because you’re trying to work through the issues that cause you to attack her in your sleep. So maybe not such a simple answer.

But wait, you ask, why does Gideon want to get married so damn badly? There has got to be some really compelling reason. Like maybe this has suddenly become The Proposal where Sandra Bullock has to marry Ryan Reynolds effective immediately because she needs a green card?

I swallowed hard. “We can’t get married tomorrow.”

“We can,” he said emphatically, “and we will. I need it, Eva. I need the vows, the legality … I’m going crazy without them.”

Isn’t this pretty much the same reason Christian got Ana to marry him so quickly? [Matthew says: This is the same reason why they got married in PAMELA. Look at all the progress we've made since 1740!] All of our issues will just completely melt away once we take those vows, baby, I swear. I’m so scared you’re going to leave me, but if you marry me, my confidence in our relationship will surely change all of my obnoxious, controlling behaviour, so let’s give this crazy thing a chance!

“It’s too soon,” I protested.

“You can say that to me after the flight over?” he snapped. “You fucking own me, Eva. I’ll be damned if I don’t own you back.”

You stick your finger up a guy’s butt one time and then you have to marry him, that’s the rule, Eva. You knew what you were getting yourself into.

“I can’t breathe,” I gasped, inexplicably panicked.

Gideon rolled, pulling me on top of him, his arms banding around me. Possessing me. “You want this,” he insisted. “You love me.”

I imagine this scene with Gideon’s eyes swirling hypnotically and Eva slowly repeating his words as she’s very obviously brainwashed by a psychopath.

When Eva tells Gideon he’s rushing into this, he gets pretty upset at this outrageous accusation.

“You think I’d ask you this on the fly? [Matthew says: ...yes?] For God’s sake, Eva, you know me better than that. I’ve been planning this for weeks. It’s all I’ve thought about.”

I think when the time it took you to consider proposing to someone is about half the time of your entire relationship that could definitely be considered rushing in.

Gideon insists that they can get married again for their friends, family and the paparazzi, but that he can’t wait months to plan a wedding. [Matthew says: Even though he just said he's been planning this for weeks.]

If you thought he couldn’t start sounding even more fucking insane, I haven’t even gotten fully started yet.

I stared at him, not knowing what to say. His urgency was both romantic and terrifying. [Matthew says: What about when Eva starts sounding even more fucking insane?]

“I asked your dad,” he went on, shocking me all over again. “He didn’t have any—” [Ariel says: He didn't have any what?? New emails? Groceries? Ways to stop me from forcing his daughter to marry me? It literally could have been anything, and now we may never know.] 

“What? When?”

“When he was in town. I had an opportunity and I took it.”

For some reason, that hurt. “He didn’t tell me.” [Matthew says: I mean... that sort of actually makes sense? "Hey, your boyfriend asked me if he could propose to you! I said yes!" sort of undermines things a little bit.]

“I told him not to. Told him it wasn’t going to happen right away. That I was still working on getting you back. I recorded it, so you can listen to the conversation if you don’t believe me.”

I blinked down at him. “You recorded it?” I repeated.

“I wasn’t leaving anything to chance,” he said unapologetically.

“You told him it wouldn’t be right away. You lied to him.”

His smile was razor sharp. “I didn’t lie. It’s been a few days.”

“Oh my God. You’re crazy.”

How could Eva’s dad have possibly given his blessing to this person who is clearly out of his fucking mind? He recorded the conversation? Eva could very easily find out whether or not Gideon was telling the truth about this by asking her father directly. And I can’t decide if it’s weirder if Eva’s dad did or didn’t know he was being recorded. If he didn’t, it’s insanely invasive. If he did know, how the fuck did that conversation go down?

Gideon: I have a really important question for you, but can I please record the conversation? I promise it won’t be awkward at all, and I don’t want it to impact your answer. But I’m not leaving anything to chance.

Eva’s Dad: …Leaving what to chance?

Gideon: Anything.

Eva’s Dad: Sure, I guess you can record me if it makes you go away faster.

Well, Eva’s got no other real argument, so it looks like they’re getting married!

“I’m not giving you any options here,” he said decisively, twisting up and standing with me cradled in his arms. “We’re doing this, Eva. Enjoy your last remaining hours as a single woman.”

He immediately followed this by miming a slicing motion against his throat.

But the fun doesn’t stop there!

I panted for breath, boneless and tired from his unrelenting demands. He’d woken me twice before, taking me with skilled precision, imprinting onto my brain and my body that I belonged to him. That I was his and he could do whatever he wanted to me.

It made me so hot.

“Umm …” He purred, sliding his cock deep. “You’re so creamy with my cum. I love the way you feel when I’ve been at you all night. A lifetime of this, Eva. I’ll never stop.”

The “creamy with my cum” line initially distracted from me from the creepy sentence above (that I’ve bolded so you don’t make the same mistake of missing how fucked up it is). It’s really sad when you almost miss something so alarming because you’re vaguely impressed by the alliteration of “creamy cum” while also struggling not to barf. [Matthew says: Honestly, I'm just thrilled Day finally found a new creepy thing to write that wasn't the umpteenth "greedy cunt".]

The next morning, Eva has been brainwashed thoroughly enough that she’s excited about getting married today. That is, until she sees that Gideon’s given her a prenup to sign. She figures it’s the usual stuff like oh if we get divorced you can’t have Angus, but it’s actually fucking insane.

Gideon’s first stipulation was that I take the Cross name as my own. I could keep Tramell as an additional middle name, but with no hyphenation as a surname. Eva Cross—it was nonnegotiable. And so very like him. My domineering lover made no apologies for his caveman tendencies.

What cavemen were concerned about taking last names? What the fuck kind of history classes has Eva been enrolled in in the past?

His second stipulation was that I accept ten million from him upon the wedding, doubling my personal estate just for saying I do. Every year thereafter, he gave me more. I would receive bonuses for each child we had together, be paid for going to couples therapy with him. I agreed to counseling and mediation in the event of a divorce. I agreed to share a residence with him, bimonthly vacations, date nights …

Strangely enough, Eva is less concerned about this than she would have been by a normal prenup. She’s like, “Awww he is protecting his heart and doesn’t want me 2 leave him <3333333″

The prenup was designed to protect his heart, to bind me and bribe me to stay with him no matter what. He was giving everything he had.

[Matthew says: The women in these novels never seem to notice that so do they.]

She signs but only on the condition that she can change her name to include her father’s last name as well.

“I do have one revision.”

“Name it.”

“You just did. The name issue.”

“Nonnegotiable,” he said flatly, with an empathic swipe of his hand for good measure.

I arched a brow. “Don’t be a fucking Neanderthal. I want to take my dad’s name, too. He’s wanted that and it’s bothered him my whole life. This is my chance to fix it.”

“So, Eva Lauren Reyes Cross?”

“Eva Lauren Tramell Reyes Cross.”

“That’s a mouthful, angel,” he drawled, “but do what makes you happy. That’s all I want.”

Except that’s a massive fucking lie because you just said you wouldn’t let her keep her last name if that’s what she wanted. Didn’t Christian do the same thing to Ana? I remember him marching into her office furious that she was still signing her emails with Anastasia Steele and not Grey. [Matthew says: If there's a silver lining to all of this, at least the name isn't "Albus Severus Potter". NO I WILL NOT LET THAT GO.]

They get married and try to figure out what they’re going to tell their friends and family back home, and Gideon suggests they just say they’re engaged, so I guess that’s the plan.

Please tell me all of your feelings about this chapter because I have so many angry feelings of anger.

So the bad news is that “the Master’s sister calls Pamela a whore” has completely hijacked the plot (or “plot”), and we’re on our third straight week of this scene, which Pamela somehow found time to write at some point in between all this being called a whore. The good news is I finally found a good use for my copy of Pamela! As a coaster for over-sized mugs! [Ariel says: Oh my god, you should start a home & style blog! I'd subscribe and definitely guest post. I sometimes use my old Requirements Engineering text book as a mousepad!] 

I know, I know… I need to give my fish more water…

Day 62 (Still… Again…)

You might recall Pamela is in the middle of recounting exactly what we just spent a week and a half reading:

“Her ladyship called after me; so did her woman, and I heard her say I flew like a bird, and she called two of her servants in sight to stop me, but I said, “Touch me at your peril, fellows!”

I don’t know what’s worse. Having to reread all of this all over again, having to reread the novel’s least believable scene all over again, or hearing Pamela spice up the story with quips she didn’t even say at the time. That continuity error is extra weird since we’re already supposed to suspend our disbelief that Pamela has been remembering ALL OF THIS word-for-word…

[Ariel said: Pamela's memory sort of works like mine, I always think of the quip I should have said, and then I lie to myself to pretend it really did happen that way. The only difference is you don't see me writing letters to people about it and changing my story mere pages later!] 

Anyway, here’s today’s first dose of misogyny:

“I used to tell [our mother that my sister] would certainly beat her husband [...] if he did not beat her first, and break her spirit.”

Ah, inside jokes with the parents about spousal abuse. Good times… good times…[Ariel says: Matt, I feel like you're just not getting the joke. Like the *woman* is going to beat up the man unless he's completely broken her spirit and ruined her first. A woman! Beating up a man! Before he beats her up first! Oh my god, I can't stop laughing.

I actually know a really similar, equally hilarious joke that you're all totally gonna love. Stop me if you've heard it before but it's the one that's like, "Oh my god, I'm going to kill myself unless someone breaks into my house and horrifically murders me in my sleep first." Classic.] 

The Master and Pamela leave and go home, so this day can finally be over, but Mrs. Jewkes tells them that the Master’s sister is still there and has gone to bed, because THIS SCENE WILL NEVER END.

Day 63 (Finally)

The Master and Pamela plan to sleep in until 8, but Lady Davers knows that the Master usually gets up at 6, and thus “got up soon after that hour [for] a whimsical scheme [to] find whether we were in bed together”. Apparently knocking on someone’s door before they wake up constitutes a “whimsical scheme”. Does it matter if he’s getting up later than usual if your plan is to just bother him before he wakes up? Where’s the scheme part of this scheme? [Ariel says: I personally can't answer that question, but what I do know is that whimsical scheme is an amazing phrase and I cannot wait to use it in the future. If I can work it into my Divergent post on Thursday I'll be so happy.] 

Regardless, Lady Davers knocks on the door to see if Pamela and the Master are sharing a bed. The Master says there’s no problem with revealing this to her, because they’re married. So he lets her in and she freaks out because she was right, even though he is also right. I have no idea what anyone in this book is even trying to achieve anymore.

Anyway, here’s this book’s “man carries a protesting woman away because he’s done with her shit” dose of misogyny:

“Wicked abandoned wretch! Vile brother[!] I’ll tear the creature out of bed before your face, and expose you both as you deserve.”
At that point he took her in his arms, as if she had been nothing, and carri[ed] her out of the room.

As you might have gathered by now, the melodrama never ends. A ridiculous amount of conversation is devoted to how Lady Davers won’t eat breakfast without the Master, but the Master won’t eat breakfast without Pamela, but Lady Davers won’t eat breakfast with Pamela. It’s like the “you can only take the fox, the chicken, or the grain across the river one at a time” puzzle, but with more entitled white people.

“The chicken can’t be left with the fox because the fox will eat the chicken, and the chicken can’t be left with the feed because they belong to different social classes.”

Because conflict has to conveniently happen around Pamela for the story to happen, Lady Davers keeps ending up in contrived circumstances to continue fighting with the Master within earshot of Pamela.

She sat down and fanned herself, and burst into tears, and such sobs of grief [that] I sat down and trembled sadly.

If you ever find yourself required to read Pamela but don’t have time to read it or this blog, just assume that at any given moment someone is crying, and that Pamela is the most caring and selfless person who ever lived.

Not considering anything, I ran out of the closet and threw myself at my dear Master’s feet [and said], “Dearest sir, let me beg that no act of unkindness, for my sake, pass between so worth and so near relations. Dear, dear madam,” said I, and clasped her knees, “Pardon and excuse the unhappy cause of all this evil; on my knees I beg your ladyship”

If I had a dollar for every scene Richardson wrote where Pamela solves everyone’s problems by throwing themselves at their feet and pleading emotionally, I could hire someone else to write jokes about male gaze for me. [Ariel said: I like how it seems that Pamela either solves the problem by throwing herself at someone's feet or running away in increasingly ridiculous ways.]

By this point, you might be thinking to yourself, “Holy fucking fucksicles!” (Or something) “When will this end already?” Well, the answer is never:

“Swear to me,” [said Lady Davers] “That Pamela Andrews is really and truly thy lawful wife”
[The Master] swore a solemn oath that I was. “And,” said he, “did I not tell you so at first?”
“I cannot yet believe you!” Said she.

THEN WHAT’S THE GODDAMN POINT OF ASKING?

I have no idea what’s going on in this GIF, but even this is probably more productive than anything happening in Pamela.

So here’s the problem: The novel has a single remaining conflict, and the only resolution to that conflict is when a character suddenly stops believing it’s a conflict for some reason. The only thing stopping the plot (?) from progressing (???) at this point is waiting for her to be less stubborn, and the book has already thrown literally all the evidence that exists at her. This means that 1) this is going to feel cyclical and pointless, 2) what finally does get her to change her mind is going to be inherently contrived and out of nowhere, and 3) this is a really bad way to structure a narrative.

This is basically what every conflict at this point in the book looks like if you think about it for two seconds.

Lady Davers tries to play devil’s advocate by arguing that the Master would be super pissed at her if she married a lower-class person, to which the Master agrees, but mansplains that that’s totally different, because she’s a woman. And so, here’s today’s batch of, like, super misogyny:

“Where can the difference be between a beggar’s son married by a lady, or a beggar’s daughter made a gentleman’s wife?”
“Then I’ll tell you,” replied he, “the difference is a man ennobles the woman he takes, be she who she will, and adopts her into his own rank [...] But a woman, though ever so nobly born, debases herself by a mean marriage, and descends from her own rank to his she stoops to.”

So can we give Pamela a pass since this technically was true of the sexist society that existed at the time? Sure, if there were literally anything else to this book. It doesn’t just reflect outdated sexism, it is outdated sexism. So that’s a “no,” then.

Dinner is somehow more melodramatic than breakfast, as the Master forces everybody to sit down together and serve themselves. So it basically looks like any dinner scene that would happen today, which ironically makes this the only scene that probably looked more batshit insane then.

The Master tries to make Lady Davers see his side of things, in much the same, completely non-self-aware way that randos on the internet try to explain that sexism isn’t real.

“Oh, Lady Davers! Were you a man, you would dote on [Pamela] as I do!”

Yes, that is how privilege works, Master.

Suddenly, Lady Davers drops some drama bombs, revealing that 1) the Master killed someone in a duel, and that 2) he had an affair with a lady once! Apparently the latter one was supposed to be a secret until now. The Master addresses these accusations, explaining that:

1. Technically the guy died of a fever after they dueled and probably not of the wounds he received in the duel, and it’s okay because he wrote a letter to the guy’s parents explaining what a jerk he was. Phew! That clears that up!
2. The Master explains “When I was at college” (which is way funnier nowadays than it probably sounded then) that he knew this lady of a slightly lower class who tried to golddigger her daughter on him, but her daughter was “not half so artful as her mother” and “yielded to my addresses before the mother’s plot could be ripened, and so utterly disappointed it”.

But she ain’t messin’ with no broke landed gentry!

This last admission actually pains the Master, and he leaves. Lady Davers, amazed that the Master would admit these things to Pamela, suddenly realizes she was in the wrong and that the Master does truly love Pamela.

She was greatly moved at this, and the noble manner in which the dear gentleman owned and repented of his faults, and gushed out into tears, and said, [...] “Pamela, I beseech you. My passion has carried me too far”

See? I told you it would be contrived and out of nowhere.

So the good news is that we’re finally done with out three week-long scene of the Master’s sister calling Pamela a whore. The bad news is next week is all about them trying to get the Master to stop pouting. Woo.

Question: What other alternate uses of books have you been guilty of? Unless they were like Pamela, because then it’s cool.