I was kinda proud of “Antihero or whatever” until it occurred to me that I could see Zoey actually describing Aphrodite like that. But it’s still better than my first post title: “Aphrodite and Zoey Talk About The Plot – Yes, This Is Our Third Straight Chapter of This”

House of Night: Chosen Chapter 10

While the last chapter was largely Zoey and Aphrodite catching up on what’s going on with Stevie Rae, this chapter is mostly about Zoey and Aphrodite coming up with a plan for what to do about Zoey. This is where we’re dividing our chapters now.

Zoey repeats something Aphrodite just said, to make sure the reader retains the information since that half of their conversation happened a whole chapter ago.

“Crap. Then [Stevie Rae] really can’t go out in the sunlight,” I said.
“You didn’t already know that?” Aphrodite said.

Zoey asks a really good question that the astute reader is probably wondering themselves right about now: why is Aphrodite helping her?

“Okay, you’re going to have to explain why you’re bothering to tell me all this stuff. What’s in it for you?”
Aphrodite widened her eyes in mock innocence and put on a ridiculous Southern Belle accent, “Why, what ever do you mean? I’m helping you because you and your friends have always been so sweet to me.”

Yo, she’s got a good point. Zoey’s friends are way meaner to Aphrodite than Aphrodite has been to them. The best part of House of Night is that it (thus far) has totally not picked up on this, so we get scenes like we did earlier in this book, where Aphrodite so much as walks in a room and starts getting called a “hag” and a “ho”, and then the book is like…

As it would turn out, the Casts are really curious what the answer to that question is too, because the answer is basically, “Because the story said so”:

“Let’s just say I have a lot to make up for.”
“To Stevie Rae?”
“To Nyx. […] I might not particularly give a shit about you or Stevie Rae or maybe anyone here at school, but I do care about Nyx.”

Things get really bad when even Zoey points out there’s sort of a huge plot hole here.

Her voice faltered. “I know what it’s like to believe the goddess has turned from me and I don’t ever want to feel like that again.”
I reached out and touched her arm. “But Nyx didn’t turn from you. Those were just lies Neferet told so that no one would believe your visions.”

Don’t worry. There isn’t another word of this chapter about how Zoey just explained that Aphrodite’s reasons for helping her are a logical fallacy, so the plot goes on with Aphrodite deciding to be a good guy for some reason.

Basically what just happened here.

We learn that Neferet can’t read Aphrodite’s mind either, although Zoey has to reveal it isn’t a huge comfort since Neferet knows that Zoey knows about what she’s doing with the undead vampyre students. Zoey fills Aphrodite in on Neferet trying to erase her memory, but failing when Zoey summoned the elements, and then threatened each other at the end of the last book. Unfortunately, she leaves out the part where she and Heath subdued the undead vampyres with the power of love, because I doubt Aphrodite would be able to take that part of the plot seriously either.

Zoey explains her theory that Stevie Rae’s earth affinity is what helped her hold onto more of her humanity than the other undead vampyres, and thinks it might be possible to restore her to full humanity. Based entirely on her understanding of a thing she didn’t know about until about a month or two ago, when it was suddenly just given to her. She also tells Aphrodite that she’s meeting Stevie Rae later that night.

“Is she going to show?”
I chewed my lip. “I bribed her with country clothes, so I think so.”
Aphrodite shook her head. “So she dies, un-dies, and still has a shitty fashion sense.”

Stevie Rae becomes a friggin’ zombie and she still impacts the story the most by being a half-assed Southern stereotype.

Aphrodite suggests that they take Stevie Rae to her parents’ place, since they’re off on vacation and the estate conveniently has an unused servants’ quarters. She also solves the “Stevie Rae needs to feed on the fresh blood of struggling human victims” problem (not a quote from the book) by pointing out that, also conveniently, the House of Night keeps blood in the kitchen. Which I guess I just assumed was the case at a vampyre school for vampyres, but it’s cool that they’re covering their bases here.

Anyway, it wouldn’t be a Zoey-Aphrodite scene if they didn’t make out call Aphrodite a bitch.

“Did you ever think that a big part of your problem and why so many bad things have happened to you isn’t Neferet and all the bullpoop she’s up to, but it’s the fact that you have such a bitchy, crappy, attitude?”

Writing Believable Teenagers Tip #1: Have one character ask a mean character if they’ve considered not being mean, like normal humans do

Aphrodite explains her personal philosophy, that “I think most people [are] shitty”, which I would criticize for sounding like every deep, cynical teenager stereotype ever, but then the Casts also have her say that she thinks other people “pretend to be all nicey-nice”, so, uh, never mind.

Also, let’s awkwardly segue to the Spider-Man moral in this scene too, because why the hell not.

“How do you ever trust anyone?”
Aphrodite looked away from me. “I don’t. It’s easier that way. You’ll find out.” She met my eyes again and I couldn’t read the weird expression in them. “Power changes people.”

Zoey has a rare moment of self-awareness at this point

“I’m not going to change.” I was going to say more, but then I thought about the fact that just a few months ago if someone had told me that I’d be making out with a grown-ass man while I had not one but two boyfriends I would have said no f-ing way.

I like how it took Zoey openly juggling two boyfriends and making out with her teacher to come to this realization. That is a lot of things to go very wrong before you pause and reflect on how you got there.

So what are you guys reading this weekend? Did I just make you feel guilty about not having any plans to read a book this weekend?

Grey: Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The chapter again opens with another of Christian’s nightmares, which seem to be progressing in such a logical sequence as is customary for nightmares. This nightmare is about a man who shouts at and hits Christian and his mother. The man and Christian’s mother leave the house, and Christian hides in the closet wondering where his mother is.

As usual, Christian is perturbed by his nightmare, and decides to go for a run to shake it off. This has already happened so many times that I had to check to make sure I was reading the right chapter.

Anyway, Ana texts Christian to let him know she has safely arrived in Georgia. Can you imagine if EL James had played us all for fools here and revealed that actually Ana died in a tragic plane crash and all of Fifty Shades of Grey took place in the mind of a Christian who had truly snapped? That would have been amazing!

Alas, though, Christian just sees that one of Ana’s emails has only just come through to him. It’s a very well-written, self-aware email, which explains some of Ana’s complicated feelings. I would paraphrase, except it’s the same complicated emotions she’s been dealing with not only for this book but in the other three books we already read. We get it, she’s not sure about being a submissive.

After going for his usual Run of Contemplation and Complex Emotions, Christian returns home and composes his email to Ana. Even though in her email she explained that she has trouble communicating with him in person because he “dazzles” her so much, he asks her why she struggles to communicate with him in person. Dude, she JUST EXPLAINED THAT YOU FLUSTER HER, not to mention you’re so dominating you probably wouldn’t let her get more than a couple sentences out without cutting her off and telling her how she feels.

I completely understand that James has to include the same emails as the other books, because “important” things do get said in those emails. However, the thing that I don’t understand is why she didn’t take the opportunity to at all make Christian’s point of view interesting, to add something to these scenes. She had this second chance, and all she does is give Christian reactions like, “I’m glad she’s eating.” “Good point, Miss Steele.” These are moments where he could feasibly be discussing his previous relationships whether it’s with Elena or Leila. Whenever these relationships come up, they’re glossed over quickly, right when it’s starting to touch on something even remotely interesting. I know, I know my expectations are way too high considering the crap we saw in the first three books, but, you know, dream big or go home?

Once Christian sends his email off to Ana, he “stomp[s] into the kitchen to see what Gail has prepared for breakfast.” Given his email was mostly a comforting, fairly thoughtful response to what Ana had written and didn’t convey any anger (for once), it seemed really weird to me that he stomped into the kitchen. Maybe it was more of a CHRISTIAN GREY WANT FOOD situation than a direct reaction to his email exchange with Ana.

Christian and Elena agree to meet for dinner, and Elena says Christian’s being so coy about the new woman in his life. Here’s Christian’s very Christian reaction:

Why are the women in my life so nosy? Elena. My mother. Ana…I wonder for the hundredth time what she’s doing.

Oh, but Christian’s not nosy, he’s just concerned for her safety! No hypocrisy to see here, people, move along.

EL James quickly runs out of things to write about, so she resumes copy/pasting email exchanges in, with new additions like “her reply pings into my inbox”  and “I find myself drumming my fingers, waiting for her reply.” Riveting shit! They flirt a bit and Christian gets an erection which is par for the course. Although, His cock doesn’t directly comment on this. The location of Christian’s inner cock is currently unknown.

Christian prepares to leave for dinner with Elena and flirts with Ana some more. So this is where that “I’m glad she’s eating…” comment happens, and Christian is shocked to learn that Ana has trouble eating around him. He acts like this is really quite a shock, but it’s so normal when you’re really into someone to have so many butterflies it’s hard to eat. Then again I really shouldn’t be surprised Christian doesn’t know that since he’s never known love b4 <3.

Dinner with Elena is slightly more interesting, but the bar is so low given 85% of this chapter was the same emails from the previous book, 5% was Christian’s lame reactions or anticipation over Ana’s next email arriving, and 5% was his interactions with his staff members. Seriously, at one point it’s just him telling someone what he wants in his coffee!

Elena, who is supposed to be super elegant and polished I think, says this, “Christian. This girl. Spill the beans.”

But Christian’s beans are not so easily spilled. He does open up a bit about Ana and explains that she’s in Georgia thinking things over, and Elena encourages him to go to Ana. Even though it’s dubious advice, during this whole scene I get the sense that Elena is being genuinely nice and supportive. At one point she admonishes him for being too negative about himself, which is really interesting because Christian tells Ana the exact same thing. It’s like the one interesting parallel I have seen in these books between Christian and Ana.

I really wish Elena’s storyline hadn’t gone down the cliche route in later books. i know we’re supposed to see her as this horrible villain, but I always got the impression she was obviously a flawed human being that made bad choices, but that she actually was really encouraging about Christian’s relationship to Ana and not an overall evil bitch.

The chapter ends with Christian getting Ana’s email where she asks if he was at dinner with Elena, and he’s like, ‘Whelp. This has to be answered in person, so guess I’m going to Georgia!” Except that question absolutely did not have to be answered in person. It is very easy to type, “yes.”

Where do you think Christian’s inner cock is? I’m starting to worry.

Content Advisory Warning: Christian Grey makes a shitty Casablanca reference in this chapter, which might cause you great pain if you like Casablanca as much as I do.

Grey: Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Christian and Taylor arrive in Savannah, which Christian is desperately trying to convince his coworkers is sorta kinda a business trip by arranging to meet with the company pitching to have his development plant built there instead of Detroit. Which Christian is also desperately trying to convince his coworkers is sorta kinda for business reasons. God, it’s like MacBeth, but if MacBeth weren’t making lies upon lies to be king but to get laid.

On the flight, Christian has one of his famous nightmares, which is so bad he jolts awake, Taylor worriedly fetches him water, and other serious things. Except it’s a flashback to his “heady days with Mrs. Lincoln”, which seems weirdly like something Christian actually enjoys to anyone able to, you know, read the scene. Which is atypical of nightmares.

“If you behave, I’ll let you come. In my mouth.”
Fuck.
“But not yet.” [She] kisses me.
Her tongue demanding and wet.
She brandishes the leather flogger.
And I know this will be tough to endure. But I have my eyes on the prize. Her fucking mouth.

Presumably one of the draws of rereading the story from Christian’s perspective is extra details into the kinkier aspects of the series, so hopefully details like Elena’s demanding and wet tongue are really doing it for that crowd.

Suddenly, being on a plane reminds Christian that one of his favorite pasttimes is gliding, because this is the level of contrived events pushing the plot forward that we have reached. He then thinks about sharing that with Ana, sounding super convincingly like a normal human person:

Yes! That’s what I should do: take Ana soaring. That would be more, wouldn’t it?

The way Christian is fixating on this “more” is a little less “man learning how to love again” and a little more The Shining, but he’s already following Ana to Georgia without telling her, so this is hardly the most unsettling thing going on at the moment.

This is sort of what reading Grey is like, but with sex scenes.

Speaking of which, Christian hasn’t actually figured out how to tell Ana that he has done this, so he goes to the hotel bar to get a drink and mull it over. WHEN SUDDENLY AND UNPREDICTABLY:

I scan the bar, avoiding eye contact with the two women sitting next to me… and a movement captures my attention: a frustrated flip of glossy mahogany hair […]

Yes, Christian can identify Ana from nothing more than a frustrated flip of her hair, which is amazing because it’s both totally absurd, yet also unintentionally speaks volumes about what kind of mood Christian usually puts Ana in when they spend time together. Perhaps one day you too can have a love that annoys you so much that they can identify you at a distance by your irritated hair!

What are the fucking odds?
In all the gin joints… Jesus.

PRO WRITING TIP: The best way to seamlessly, not awkwardly allude to a classic work of art is to include half of a quote, then replace the other half with profanity. Insta-classic!

“Go ahead. Jesus!”

Grey reminds himself to “seize the day, Grey” and texts Ana to slowly alert her to his presence.

She begins to read [then types] furiously [then] abandons the phone on the table in what appears to be disgust.

Unaffected by the knowledge that Ana openly wants nothing to do with him when she thinks he isn’t watching (even though Christian Grey is always watching #romance), Christian reads her response and reminds us that only he is allowed to get angry.

“[Elena is] not just an old friend. Has she found another adolescent boy to sink her teeth into?”
What the hell? My temper simmers as I read.
Isaac is in his late twenties.

After Christian vents about how Ana is totally off about Elena because now she’s with a man who’s mostly age-appropriate for her (totally canceling out that statutory rape thing), he points out that not only is her response SUPER INCONSIDERATE and WRONG but ALSO PROBABLY A SIGN SHE’S PROBABLY DRUNK.

How dare she?
Is it the drink talking?

Christian texts Ana, asking how many more cosmos she’s going to drink, which clues Ana in that Christian is in the bar with her and that she’s probably going to get murdered now. Christian goes over and introduces himself to Ana’s mom, which is depressingly predictable:

Her mom’s eyes are all over me.
Shit! She’s checking me out. Best ignore it, Grey.

Christian places an order with the waiter, which adds nothing to the story, or even characterization at this point, but is always fun to point out what a jackass Christian Grey is:

I need something stronger than beer. “I’ll have a gin and tonic,” I tell the waiter. “Hendrick’s, if you have it, or Bombay Sapphire. Cucumber with the Hendrick’s, lime with the Bombay.”

How any other person involved with this scene would be feel about Christian had this happened in real life.

Christian gets possessive and paranoid about Ana’s faithfulness to him, which is a theme I guess we’re supposed to take seriously even though there’s never been any indication that she might not be.

Her breasts are straining against the silky material of her top, but hidden by her long hair. For my eyes only, I hope.

Ana’s mom briefly goes to the bathroom to give them a chance to talk, which immediately becomes a conversation about Christian’s continued friendship with Elena. We’ve read it before in Fifty Shades, so it’s that conversation, except with even more sentences how angry Christian is. And trite generalizations about gender.

She’s pissed at me; maybe she has PMS.

Christian leaves Ana and her mother to enjoy their evening together and goes back to the hotel. He has a business call with Ros before Ana shows up, so if you liked the sexy foreplay of Fifty Shades of Grey but wish it had more talk about liquidating companies and fiber-optics, Grey is the book for you.

Anyway, remember the tampon scene? Where Christian Grey pulled a tampon out of Ana, and that book went on to sell a millìon bajillion copies? Think that scene gets better from the guy’s point of view?

“Are you bleeding?” I ask between kisses. […]
Why is she embarrassed? It’s her body.

Maybe because the love of her life isn’t any more mature than “Are you bleeding?”

My hand glides down her ass to the blue string, and I tug out the tampon, which I toss in the toilet. She gasps, shocked, I think

“I THINK”. Guys. You guys. Dude just pulled a tampon out of a woman without saying anything, and HE THINKS she’s shocked. You guys. The ways in which this book explores the depths of human interaction.

I pound into her with a punishing, I-own-you rhythm.
Don’t argue with me. Don’t fight with me.

Not making this up, this is actually what’s going through Christian’s head during this sex scene. This is what everyone should have going through their head during sex. That’s just love! After the sex, they immediately start fighting about Elena again. Still just love! I am buying the love between these two! They have a collection of ongoing fights that are interrupted only by sex! THAT JUST LARVE.

They talk about their “arrangement”, which is more dialogue just copy/pasted from this exact same scene from the first book. They have sex again, which is more description just copy/pasted from every scene we’ve already read in this book. Because, hey, when you’ve written something as good as “Up. Down. Up. Down.”, you can’t just use that once.

After the sex, Ana insists on just talking. Which immediately becomes about sex again, because this book is about maybe two things. Christian admits he lied about how many women he slept with.

Her smile vanishes. “You said fifteen.”
“I was referring to the number of women in my playroom.”

Nothing says “trust” like “technicalities”!

“There are places in and around Seattle that one can go and practice. Learn to do what I do. […] Yep, I’ve paid for sex, Anastasia.”

I feel like “I’ve paid for sex” is a sentence you can’t really put a “yep” in front of, like “Yep, I’m not 21” or “Yep, I ran over the cat”.

They go to sleep together and the chapter thankfully ends. Get excited for next week’s chapter when we get to see gliding from Christian’s perspective. I can’t wait to read even more weighty, emotional “Fuck!”s.

House of Night, Chosen Chapter 11

Zoey gives a convoluted explanation about how she winds up finding a heart-shaped locket in some of Stevie Rae’s old clothes. A locket that was meant to be Zoey’s birthday present!

I was with her the night she died, and by the time I got back to our room the vamp cleanup squad (or whatever they’re called) had already been there and bad taken Stevie Rae’s stuff. I got pissed. Really pissed. And I’d insisted they put some of her stuff back because I wanted to keep things to rememberher by. So Anastasia, the professor who teaches spells and rituals (she’s really nice and married to Dragon Lankford, the fencing instructor) took me to a creepy storage room where I shoved some of Stevie Rae’s stuff into a bag and then dumped it back in what used to be her dresser. I remember Anastasia was kind to me, but she also clearly disapproved of me having keepsakes of Stevie Rae.

Zoey is that friend who when they tell you stories feels like they need to make sure you also get the backstory of every fucking person they encountered along the way. “So yeah, I was going to buy a sandwich, but the cashier who was at the till was really rude. It wasn’t the cashier who’s normally on the till who has three kids and has been trying out a new hairstyle because her hairdresser who was originally from South Caroline but moved to New York recommended a new look for her.” BUT WHAT KIND OF SANDWICH DID YOU GET, GIRLFRIEND?

After a fledging dies, the older vampyres just want the other kids to move on, but Zoey reminds us that she’s not going to just forget about her best friend because she’s still Jenny from the block. It’s a good thing that Zoey just happened to keep Stevie Rae’s articles of clothing that contained her birthday present. Thanks, Nyx.

So what exactly is inside this locket you ask, no one?

My fingers were shaking as I opened the locket. A many-times-folded picture fell out. I smoothed it carefully and, with a little sob, recognized it as a cutout part of a picture I had taken of the two of us (by holding the camera out, smooshing our faces together, and pressing the flash button).

I like how Zoey/the Casts feel like they need to give a detailed explanation about how one takes a selfie, right down to the smooshed faces. This will really bring the picture to life for the audience!

The Necklace of Friendship and Selfies gives Zoey the courage she needs to go steal blood from the kitchen. For some reason, there’s also a scene where she runs into some random guy from drama class who is looking for the drama professor. Even more baffeling than why this is happening is why this kid is hell-bent on practicing a year in advance for that Shakespeare monologue contest Erik disappeared off to for the entirety of the last book. Is that the only thing the kids in the House of Night give a shit about? This fucking Shakespeare monologue contest? What even is the prize! I bet it’s like a shitty friendship locket that you can put a selfie in. Which you can take by smooshing your face together with your friend’s and holding a camera out and pressing the flash button. DON’T FORGET THE FLASH BUTTON.

This random, stupid scene is just a vehicle for the Casts to drop a sweet Harry Potter ref.

“Oh, Zoey, sorry! Sorry!” Ian gave me a nervous little vampyre salute of respect, hand fisted overhis heart. “I—I didn’t mean to run over you.”

“No problem,” I said. I hated it when kids got all nervous and scared around me like they think Imight turn them into something vile. Please. It’s the House of Night, not Hogwarts. (Yes, I read the Potter books and love the movies. Yes, that’s more proof of my geekness.)

Admitting you like Harry Potter is like admitting you enjoy Game of Thrones. It’s weirder if you don’t. No one cares at all. And the reference doesn’t even make sense. The Casts just desperately felt like they needed a HP ref, so they threw it in during any scene they could. I feel like one of the judges on Project Runway, it’s poorly constructed, poorly executed and uninspired.

Before Zoey can go meet Stevie Rae, she calls Erik who is très bummed she is missing all of 300 and not by his side.

“Still at school?” he sounded annoyed. “But the movie’s almost over.”

I really hope Erik is not taking this call inside the theatre and ruining everyone else’s movie going experience. They show commercials before the movie advising against that, you know.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Are you okay? You know you should ignore the crap Aphrodite says.”

“Yeah, I know. But she didn’t say stuff about you.” Or at least not much stuff.

“It’s just that I’m majorly stressed out right now and I just need to think through some stuff.”

“Stuff again.” He didn’t sound happy.“I’m really sorry, Erik.”

“Okay, yeah. No problem. I’ll see you tomorrow or whenever. Bye.” And he hung up.“Crap,” I said into the dead phone.

I get that Zoey’s excuse doesn’t read as very convincing here, but again, why isn’t Erik more concerned for her? I’m actually not aiming this criticism at the Casts writing (for once), he’s just turning into such a douche, but I can still buy that in some situations he’s a really good friend, nice person, but it might just be so people fawn over him and think he’s amazing. Now that Zoey has her own shit going on that he’s not the centre of it he just hangs up on her. On the other hand, though, he’s stuck hanging out with all of Zoey’s awful awful friends without getting to spend time with the one person he wants to. Gotta feel for him on that front.

Aphrodite shows up to make everything better, and she reminds Zoey that Erik sucks and they should date instead. The second half of that is heavily implied.

“Bet he’s pissed,” she said.“Do you have freakishly good hearing?”

“Nah, just freakishly good guessing ability. Plus I know our boy Erik. You stood him up tonight. He’s pissed.”

Aphrodite is using Erik as a way to flirt with Zoey. This is not bitchiness, it’s straight up flirty teasing! Don’t let me down, Casts. This is the only relationship with any chemistry you have most likely accidentally written. Lightening will not strike twice here, so don’t fail me.

“Okay, first, he’s not our boy. He’s my boy. Second, I did not stand him up. Third, I’m so not talking about Erik with you, Miss Blow Job.”

Instead of hissing and spitting at me like I thought she would, Aphrodite laughed. “Okay. Whatever. And don’t knock something before you try it, Miss Goody-Goody.”

I mean, even though this banter is like C- at best, I am still like, awww Zoey is being told blow jobs aren’t inherently bad. Aphrodite is going to change her world <3

The girls agree that Zoey will bring Stevie Rae back to Aphrodite’s parents house and that Aphrodite will stay and…assist? I don’t know, Zoey just wants an excuse to spend more time with Aphrodite because she clearly realizes that she is this series’ saving grace.

We didn’t make small talk, but it didn’t feel all awkward and uncomfortable between us. It was weird how easy it actually was to be around Aphrodite. I mean, not that she wasn’t still a bitch, but I was kinda liking her.

And thus Zoey forgot about Damien/Erin/Shaunee/Jack/Erik/undead!Stevie Rae and just started hanging out with Aphrodite. The series was still terrible, but it was much more enjoyable than when those dicks were in it.

At Aphrodite’s house, Zoey admires the place and flirts banters with Aphrodite some more. She warns Aphrodite that Stevie Rae is dangerous and not to fuck with her because she might try to kill her. But obvs Zoey would protect her new BFF/love interest at all costs, so I’m not concerned.

House of Night: Chosen, Chapter 12

Zoey goes off to the rendezvous point to meet Stevie Rae, and the Casts set the scene by describing how badly the undead Stevie Rae smells, just in case you haven’t picked up on it by now.

Seriously, apparently the Casts are under the impression nobody reading this book has retained the “Stevie Rae is dead” information.

After all, she was, well, dead.

It’s a lot to process. Don’t mention that Damien is gay too.

There’s actually a fair amount of how not to write exposition in this chapter, if you’re the sort of reader who looks for those things. Or even if you’re not, because this book is written so badly that it’s impossible not to notice how often it slams on the brakes and goes “OKAY WELL ACTUALLY OKAY WELL WELL OKAY  you should know this thing I’m gonna mention now”:

I called as quietly as I could. Okay, vamps have the ability to move silently and to create a kind of bubble of invisibility around them.

Why was the “okay” necessary? Is this a huge shock that this information was left out? And House of Night does this all the time. It’d be like if every time someone performed a spell in Harry Potter, someone said “okay, wizards have the ability to do magic”.

Zoey locates Stevie Rae, starving for blood after Zoey stopped her from feeding the previous day, which Zoey describes as “look[ing] like an absolutely crazy person” and “ohmygod”. Zoey gives her one of the bags of blood she took from the House, and watches in horror when Stevie Rae rips it open with her teeth and downs it. Naturally, Zoey uses this time to continue to insist that Stevie Rae is probably totally okay, despite having no evidence supporting that, save for how by this point the reader just kind of assumes that Zoey will just happen to know the reason for everything anyway.

She was even thinner and paler than she had been the night before. I drew a deep breath. “This has to stop, Stevie Rae.”
“This is how it is with me now. This isn’t going to change.”

But actually.

Zoey tries to convince Stevie Rae that she must be some kind of alive, that she must just be going through a different kind of vampyre change than the one most people are familiar with. Stevie Rae counters that, what, no, this reasoning is still not based on literally anything.

“I don’t know how you can be so sure about that”

So far the central conflict in HoN #3 is a dead person trying to get Zoey to understand that they died.

No basis on anything, except, of course, for House of Night‘s usual plan B when it can’t provide a reason why it is the way it is: A GOD SAID SO

“I’m sure about you being okay because I’m sure that Nyx still loves you and she let this happen for a reason.”
The hope that flashed in Stevie Rae’s red eyes was almost painful to look at.

Successfully convinced there is hope, Stevie Rae follows Zoey to the mysterious safe house, which Zoey seems to have forgotten we know about.

We cut around the grounds of the museum [to the street with] Aphrodite’s mansion (well, it’s really her crazy parents’ mansion)

We… we got it? We’ve literally been there with Zoey every step of the way during this mansion business. There is nothing about it Zoey knows that we don’t know.

On the walk there, Stevie Rae explains that her bloodlust is super intense now, so much so that she can identify the ages and genders of people in the houses in the general area. They get to Aphrodite’s mansion (WAIT SORRY HER PARENT’S MANSION ARE YOU STILL FOLLOWING THE STORY?), but – and this is honestly kinda interesting, because for a book series about vampires, there is weirdly little vampire lore involved in the proceedings – Stevie Rae can’t enter without being invited, because she’s that kind of vampyre now apparently.

“Uh, come on in,” I said quickly.
Stevie Rae stepped forward and ran smack into an invisible barrier. She gave a painful yelp, which turned into a snarl. Her eyes glowed up at me. “Guess your plan won’t work. I can’t get in there.”
“I thought you said you just had to be invited in.” “By someone who lives at the house. You don’t live here.”
Above me, Aphrodite’s coldly polite voice (sounding uncomfortably like her mother) called out. “I live here. Come in.”

ANYWAY THE JIG IS UP.

“You brought me to her house!” Stevie Rae was talking to me, but staring at Aphrodite. […] “I die and now she’s your friend?”

Zoey manages to assuage a seemingly insurmountable issue by pointing out that she can never be disagreed with because she’s the protagonist. Stop me if this sounds like something you’ve read before in House of Night.

Stevie Rae goes to the bathroom with her change of clothing and some more blood, and Aphrodite continues to be the only character questioning if Zoey really has any idea what she’s doing. Zoey insists that she thinks she, Aphrodite, and Nyx can help her. For some reason.

“Then for the record I just want to say that the girl doesn’t feel safe to me,” Aphrodite said, holding up her hand like she was taking an oath. “I have two words for her: time bomb. I think she’d even freak out your nerd herd.”

Which is, of course, a natural transition for House of Night to suddenly be a two-page treatise on the pros and cons of geek culture, for some fucking reason.

“You have geek-ends,” she said.
“Huh?” I had no clue what she was talking about.
“There are weekends where your whole gang gets together to watch marathons of Star Wars and Lord of the Rings movies.”

We haven’t even gotten to the dumb part yet.

I knew exactly how geeky those movies were but that geeky could also be fun

The Casts interrupt their “it’s OKAY to be geeky!” public service announcement to remind us that they hate the gays.

I kinda like Legolas, too, but the Twins say he’s way too gay. Damien, of course, adores him.

PRO BEING-A-GODDAMN-HUMAN TIP: If you’re going to include a gay character in your book,  have your characters make over-the-top declarations about how they accept him being gay, and even have that gay character dole out one explanation per book on how he can use the word “fag” because he’s in a position to reclaim the slur, then maybe don’t also have your book’s characters literally use “too gay” as an insult.

Kiiiiiiiiind of defeats the purpose.

As you may have surmised from this post’s title, Matthew and I are taking today and tomorrow off. It’s for a really good reason, though! I came back to America and had a big get-together for family and friends celebrating my marriage (even though it happened four months ago…we had to keep this party going!)

It was great, a lot of my friends and family who hadn’t met Matthew were really excited to meet him because they read the blog or were aware of the blog’s existence. He even plugged the blog in his toast to Jeremy and me (good job, business partner.)

Anyway, enough of that, we have serious business to get down to. What do you guys want us to read on Thursday/Friday?

YOU HAVE THE POWER TO DECIDE.

Well, the votes are in, and for some reason more of you voted for Grey. That means we’re stuck with yet another super long chapter of doom. To preserve our sanity, Matt and I have combined forces to tackle this week’s Grey.

Grey: Thursday, June 2, 2011

Ana is talking in her sleep, and despite realizing this fact multiple times, Christian keeps responding to Ana.

“No. Please. Don’t leave me.”

What? It’s Ana. “I’m not going anywhere,” I mutter, bemused. Turning, I prop myself up on my elbow. She’s huddled beside me and she looks like she’s asleep.

“I won’t leave you,” she mumbles.

My scalp prickles. “I’m very glad to hear that.”

She sighs.

“Ana?” I whisper. But she doesn’t react. Her eyes are closed. She’s fast asleep. She must be dreaming… what is she dreaming about?

“Christian,” she says.

“Yes,” I respond automatically. But she says nothing; she’s definitely asleep, but I’ve never heard her talk in her sleep before.

Totally fine he responded automatically, but I love that immediately after this he re-re-reconfirms that Ana is fast asleep. You don’t say!

Christian goes about his business, and when he returns to the bedroom. Ana is still talking in her sleep. I can’t remember what her dream was about, but it makes no fucking sense from Christian’s POV.

She mumbles again, and I think she said “cage,” but I’m not sure.

[…]

“Strawberry,” she mutters, as I sit down beside her on the bed.

What’s with the fruit? 

“Anastasia,” I summon her gently.

“I want more.”

Christian is like, “I want more too,” and the assumption is that they’re both talking about more than a contract, but what if Ana just wants more fucking strawberries. And a cage is somehow involved, possibly full of the strawberries Ana desires.

“Time to get up, baby. I’m going to switch on the side light.” I reach across and switch it on, bathing her in a pool of dim light. She squints.

“No,” she whines. Her reluctance to wake is amusing and different. In my previous relationships a sleepy submissive could expect to be disciplined.

I don’t really understand why a sleepy submissive would be disciplined? If you wake anyone up really early, they’ll probably be sleepy despite eating a diet and following a workout plan assigned by Christian Grey.

Of course, Christian is waking Ana up to take her to “chase the dawn,” which is a line EL James is clearly proud of because she repeats it at least 20 times this chapter. Ana isn’t in on the plan, though, so most of her dialogue this chapter is just asking where they’re going.

During the car ride, product placement:

“Too depressing?” We can’t have that, Miss Steele, especially when I’m in such a good mood. “Do you want to choose some music? This is on my iPod.”

I tap the navigation screen and bring up the playlist.

“You choose,” I offer, wondering if she’ll like anything I have in iTunes.

Ana winds up putting on Britney Spear’s Toxic, which she quickly learned was put on Christian’s iPod not by Christian himself but by his former submissive, Leila. Given this was such a compelling piece of backstory, I’m really glad we finally have a chance to get more information about this:

“Sir, this submissive respectfully requests Master’s iPod.”

I glance away from the spreadsheet I’m reading and study her as she kneels beside me, her eyes cast down.

She’s been exceptional this weekend. How can I refuse?

“Sure, Leila, take it. I think it’s in the dock.”

“Thank you, Master,” she says, and stands with her usual grace, without looking at me.

Good girl.

And wearing only red high heels, she teeters over to the iPod dock and collects her reward. 

I like how this scene was put in intentionally and yet it reveals nothing. There’s no insight into Christian, his relationship with Leila, or even about why she put the song on the iPod or how he figured out that she put the song on there when she borrowed it then. It reminds me of the flashbacks in later seasons of Lost where it would just be Jack making a sandwich and it would be like ONE TIME KATE ALSO MADE A SANDWICH HER HER PAST ON THE RUN! WHAT A CONNECTION!

Because Christian is in a really good mood, he decides to tell Ana that Leila is the one who put the song on his iPod. I’m not sure what being in a good mood had to do with that decision, but I’m just relaying what Christian said in as accurate a fashion as possible.

Christian talks a little about his past experience with women, and I know the dialogue has to be the same, but surely he could have revealed more to us about the other women he had long term relationships with? Because he said there were four other women besides Elena, and we still learn nothing about any of them (except Leila, of course later).

Upon arriving at the airfield, they meet Mark Benson who is going to go up in the air with them. There are two things you need to know about Mark Benson:

Benson is British, with a firm handshake.

BOOM character sketch complete.

Even though Benson is there for the purpose of helping Christian and Ana get set up, Christian bristles when Benson tries to help them set up. Because touching Ana in any way is strictly forbidden when Christian is not the one doing the touching.

“First we need to strap on your parachute.” Benson reaches into the cockpit and pulls out a parachute for Ana.

“I’ll do that,” I offer, taking the bundle from Benson before he has a chance to put it or his hands on Ana.

Where do you think Christian draws the line with Ana being in a situation where a man might touch her in a completely non sexual way? Hair cuts are fine, but only if a gay man is doing the cutting? Male doctor’s are a no go?

“Thanks, Mr. Benson,” Ana says.

“Call me Mark,” he replies, fucking twinkling at her. I narrow my eyes at him. “Okay?” he asks me.

“Yep. Let’s go,” I say, impatient to be airborne and to get him away from my girl.

After that non-threatening threat threatens to break up Ana and Christian, it’s time to go flying! I can sum this scene up with one gif:

Thousands of words that otherwise would have lived a horrible, pointless life were saved with this gif.

They go to IHOP to get breakfast after because Christian is just a cool, down-to-earth guy, obviously. But is he going to have sex with Ana there? In case you forgot what happened from Ana’s POV, here’s the perfect reminder, and also one of my favourite lines ever:

Much as I’d like to, I’m not going to fuck her in the restroom at IHOP. She deserves better than that, and frankly, so do I.

He knows how to treat a lady right by not fucking her in an IHOP restroom. Just when you think you know Christian, you learn something new. But then Ana tries to pay for the meal, and Christian is like R U TRYIN 2 EMASCULATE ME, GIRL???? So you also learn some old things as well.

Christian drops Ana off at her mother’s house and promises to be over for dinner later. Now it is Matt’s turn, bye. Thanks Apple for sponsoring this chapter and post!

If you missed us earlier this week, I assure you this half-chapter more than makes up for all the ridiculous, infuriating, “Christian uses his good looks to infiltrate a hospital and this is a totally believable scenario” wackiness you’ve been waiting for.

Grey: Thursday, June 2, 2011 (continued)

Yesterday’s chapter continues after Christian and Ana go flying and then go to IHOP. More crazy adventures unfold  in the saga of Christian learning to love again, like Christian thanking one of his employees.

“Mr. Grey.”
“Yeah… thanks for organizing this morning.”
“You’re most welcome, sir.” He sounds surprised.

But just in case you’re interested in development of any actual narrative (in which case I should really point out you’re kind of alone among readers of Grey), something does happen. Christian is having a meeting with the Savannah team making a pitch for development of his new plant (this is not what I was talking about, please don’t worry), when suddenly Taylor pulls Christian out of the meeting because of a private situation… LEILA WILLIAMS.

You know, the woman that Christian used to be with who succumbed to desperate behavior after Christian no longer wanted to be with her. You know, the one who’s not Elena.

“Miss Williams is in an ambulance on the way to the ER at Seattle Free Hope.”
“Ambulance?”
“Yes, sir. She broke into the apartment and made a suicide attempt in front of Mrs. Jones.”
Fuck. “Suicide?” Leila? In my apartment?
“She slashed her wrist.”

Wow! That’s genuinely seriously intense! I wonder what depths of the human psyche will be revealed as Christian reacts to this!

I’m shocked.

Ok, let’s give E L James some time to warm up, I guess. How does Christian react, say, eventually?

I scrape my hands through my hair, trying to grasp the magnitude of what Leila has done. What the hell am I supposed to do? Why did she come to me? Was she expecting to see me? Where’s her husband? What’s happened to him?

Coincidentally, I’m working on a freelance piece right now, and my editor commented on my first draft where I had a question-riddled paragraph similar to this one, telling me I need to take the time to flesh out my point instead of asking questions so I’m actually telling the reader what I mean. I think that’s pretty applicable here too. When you stop to think about it, none of those words actually hint at how Christian is feeling. Except maybe for the “What the hell am I supposed to do?” one, but you can get that same emotional depth out of the confused guy in IKEA instructions.

40% the same plot as Grey.

For someone who had to write a whole, other book to delve into the intricacies of Christian Grey, E L James is sure having a hard time making it look like he’s even remotely involved in his own story:

I can’t believe it; Leila seemed happy when she last e-mailed, what, six or seven months ago.

It gets worse about half a page later.

She’s been out of my life for a couple of years.

“She’s so happy these days! She emailed me half a year ago! At least. I haven’t really been involved for a few years. But she’s so happy!”

Christian lets Ana know he has to return home because something came up, and then he flies back to Seattle. He goes to the hospital where Leila was taken and tries to see her, where he encounters one of the few women in the world who won’t take his shit:

“Are you family?” The nurse on duty glowers at me, her mouth pinched and sour.
“No.” I sigh. This is going to be difficult.
“Well, I’m sorry, I can’t help you.”
“She tried to open a vein in my apartment. I think I’m entitled to know where the hell she is,” I hiss through my teeth.
“Don’t take that tone with me!” she snaps.

So, naturally, she is immediately the enemy of man.

I glare at her. I’m not going to get anywhere with this woman.

Ready for things to get ridiculous? Faced with a woman apparently just immune to his charms, Christian dramatically announces that “I’ll find it myself” and bursts into the ER in search of a woman who isn’t.

The ER is bustling with doctors and nurses, and triage is full of patients. I accost a young nurse and give her my brightest smile. “Hello, I’m looking for Leila Reed— she was admitted earlier today. Can you tell me where she might be?”
“And you are?” she asks, a flush creeping over her face.

“I’m her brother,” I lie smoothly, ignoring her reaction.

Wait, if he’s willing to lie about it, why didn’t he just say that to the first nurse? Furthermore, if he’s already stopped to have a conversation, how is hospital security not already all over him? Since he’s, you know, right there, having just walked into the ER?

Nurse #2 leads Christian to Leila’s room. Christian observes that “two security guards and a nurse are combing the corridor, checking each room”. Except for the room Christian said he was fucking going to, apparently.

Christian meets with Leila’s doctor, which is a good time for James to unintentionally write him as kind of racist.

A young man with short dreads […] Is he her doctor? […] He looks too young to be a psychiatrist.

Uh huh. Christian thinks he looks too “young” to be a doctor. Sure.

The doctor explains that Leila has somehow escaped the hospital and no one knows how. He also explains the entire subplot, because writing detail that the reader has to infer themselves is hard.

“She said it was a cry for help. Nothing more. And, having made such a spectacle of herself, she was embarrassed and wanted to go home. She said she didn’t want to kill herself. I believed her. I suspect it was just suicidal ideation on her part.”

After leaving the hospital, Christian calls Welch about locating Leila. He also checks in with Gail about what happened with Leila. He also gets some email from Ana, and continues to have deep, emotional responses to this new love that’s turning his life around:

She cares for me deeply? That’s nice.

Ok, let’s give E L James some time to warm up again.

She’s good for my dark, dark soul.

Haha, nope. We’re done.

Christian can’t sleep because he’s too busy fretting about Leila and trying to figure out why she might have been suicidal.

Why was Leila suicidal? What possessed her? Her desperate unhappiness resonates with a younger, miserable me. I’m trying to quash my memories, but the anger and desolation of my solitary teen years resurfaces and it won’t go away. It reminds me of my pain and of how I lashed out at everyone during my youth. Suicide crossed my mind often, but I always held back. I resisted for Grace. I knew she’d be devastated. I knew she would blame herself if I took my life, and she’d done so much for me—how could I hurt her like that? And after I met Elena…everything changed.

There is so much about this paragraph that pisses me off. If Leila’s “desperate unhappiness” (which Christian was clearly not privy to) resonates so much with him, why is he wondering why she was suicidal. It’s like asking why someone who hasn’t eaten all day is hungry. Of course Christian would wonder why Leila was so unhappy, but his reaction doesn’t make any sense. He hasn’t seen her or really talked to her in a long time, and he wasn’t there when she tried to kill herself in the apartment even, so how could her unhappiness that he never witnessed resonate so much with him? And then for him to be like, “It resonated so much with me. I used to be suicidal. Why was Leila suicidal?” without connecting any fucking dots is also absurd.

It’s also like Christian doesn’t even care about Leila herself at all, just how it’s bringing up bad memories of the past that are completely unrelated to her.

These sad thoughts prompt Christian to tell us, “I need the piano.” Sad moonlight piano playing is basically a cure-all.

Christian also wishes Ana had signed the contract and that she was here so he could wake her up and “fuck her and watch her sleep.”  Well that just sounds rude!

As he sits down at the piano, Christian thinks how Ana will never meet Leila. BUT WE TOTALLY KNOW SHE DOES. Anyway, Christian loses himself in the piano playing, and then the next scene is an erotic nightmare. I was really confused by this because I thought Christian had fallen asleep at the piano, but I guess it was just a really shitty jump. Here’s evidence:

I start to play…and my troubled thoughts recede until it’s just the music and me.

Leila is servicing my cock with her mouth.

Her skilled mouth.

Her hands are tied behind her back.

Her hair braided.

She’s on her knees.

Eyes cast down. Modest. Alluring.

Not seeing me.

And suddenly she’s Ana.

Ana on her knees before me. Naked. Beautiful.

My cock in her mouth.

But Ana’s eyes are on mine.

Her blazing blue eyes see everything.

See me. My soul.

She sees the darkness and the monster beneath.

Her eyes widen in horror and suddenly she disappears.

Shit! I wake with a start, and a painful erection that wanes as soon as I recall Ana’s wounded look in my dream.

What the hell?

I rarely have erotic dreams. Why now? I check my alarm; I’ve beaten it by a few minutes.

That was pretty confusing to read, and I read all of Divergent. 

Christian goes for a run to shake off his dreams. I honestly don’t know which happens more in this book, sex or Christian going for a post-nightmare run.

I open the glass doors in the lobby, step outside into a balmy, sunny morning, and carefully scan the street. As I start my run I check down the alleys and in the doorways I pass, and behind the parked cars, to see if Leila is there.

I feel like this is a start to a really awful children’s book. I looked for Leila behind the parked car! But she wasn’t there. I looked for Leila in the sky! But she wasn’t there. I checked for Leila in the doorways! BUT SHE WASN’T THERE.  Where has suicidal Leila gone? She was hiding in my house all along! (Seriously, wasn’t she like hiding in a closet or the air vents or something?)

Bland moments featuring Christian at work! Being angry at his assistant! Talking to Ros! Talkin’ bout business deals!

Ana and Christian email a bit as she prepares to fly back to Seattle. Christian frets over whether Ana will write an ‘x’ in her emails to signify that she’s sending him a kiss. Will she? Won’t she? Zzzzzz

While on his lunch break, fretting about Leila’s whereabouts, Christian gets an exciting idea about his upcoming gala. Except he doesn’t tell us what it is even though we presumably should already know what his idea is anyway?

Christian arrives home and at least briefly asks Mrs. Jones how she’s holding up. You know, after Leila for some reason tried to kill herself in front of her. Definitely not the target audience for the situation.  I feel like Mrs. Jones probably should have gotten a couple days off work, don’t you? Instead she’s had to hang up Ana’s new clothes and cook for these jackasses all day.

“Two, thanks. And Gail—”

Oh! Maybe he’s going to again thank her for being awesome? This is going to be a big moment of compassion from Christian.

“Sir?”

“Can you put the satin sheets on the playroom bed?”

Well this went in quite a different direction.

Christian calls his Human Locator guy and asks for a status update on Leila’s whereabouts because that hasn’t happened a million other times this chapter already.

“No trace?” I can’t believe she could just disappear.

“Nothing. But if she so much as uses an ATM, cashes a check, or logs in to her social media, we’ll find her.”

“Okay.”

“We’d like to scour the CCTV footage from around the hospital. It’s going to cost money and take a little longer. Is that acceptable?”

I feel like it’s super frightening that Christian has contacted Leila’s parents and her husband, and the situation is like two kids that snuck out of their house to go to a party and each one told the other’s parents that they were sleeping over the other’s house. Why weren’t Leila’s parents or husband freaked out when this random dude contacted them out of the blue to find Leila? He must have had a super convincing cover story like on Mad Men when Don Draper goes to look for this woman he’d dated for five minutes and starts telling her estranged husband that the wife won a refrigerator.

How I imagine this conversation between Christian’s lackey and Leila’s family went:

“Hi Mr. Reed. Your wife won a refrigerator! Where is she?”

“This sounds completely convincing! She’s with her parents I guess. I’m not at all concerned about her whereabouts, and I’m sure if something was wrong someone would let me know.”

“Everything is cool like the inside of the refrigerator she won. No attempted suicides to see here!”

No one in the hospital contacted her family, and Christian didn’t bother to let them know what happened, I guess. This seems like one of the worst things Christian has done to date, you guys.

Possibly most importantly, I don’t think we fucking have CCTV anywhere in America. If I’m wrong, please let me know in the comments, but I really think this is a distinctly British thing. Didn’t EL James specifically thank people for helping her make the book more American? These people did not deserve her thanks at all because clearly they were useless.

Before Christian can brood over Leila’s disappearance some more or god forbid start playing the piano again, Ana shows up, so sex.

She tastes of heaven and home and fall and Ana.

That is a lot of flavour jam-packed into one person.

Christian gets really moony over Ana and has trouble telling her how much he missed her.

This is basically how Christian is when Ana isn’t around. But he also yells at members of his staff a lot.

Alas, all is not perfect:

I’ve never seen her in such a short skirt, with so much of her flesh on display, and I’m not sure I approve. She’s for my eyes only.

I think Christian would make a really fantastic orthodox jew. Ana wouldn’t even be able to show men her natural hair as she’d have to wear a wig so only her husband could see her luscious locks. It’s everything Christian ever dreamed of and more.

“I like your skirt. It’s very short.” Too short. “You have great legs.” Stepping out of my shoes, I take off my socks, and without breaking eye contact, she, too, slips off her shoes.

Fuck the shower. I want her now.

FUCK THE PAPERWORK AND THE SHOWER AND SHORT SKIRTS. FUCK ALL THE THINGS CHRISTIAN GREY WANT SEX NOWWWWW!!!!!

In summary,

I come deep and hard inside her, growling out a garbled version of her name.

I feel like it would take a lot of effort to garble Ana’s name. Like did he just cry out, “ANABLAHBLAHHHHHRGH”?

They shower together after they have sex, which I think was pretty forgiving on the shower’s part given Christian was super dismissive of it before. There, Ana tells Christian she got a job, and things go slightly better than you’d expect for a split second and then return to being exactly how you’d expect for the rest of the chapter:

“I have a job.” She sounds reticent.

Why? Did she think I’d be angry? Of course she’s found a job. Pride swells in my chest. “Congratulations, Miss Steele. Now will you tell me where?” I ask with a smile.

“You don’t know?”

“Why would I know?”

“With your stalking capabilities, I thought you might have—” She stops to study my face.

“Anastasia, I wouldn’t dream of interfering in your career. Unless you ask me to, of course.”

This is great! Let’s all be really proud of Christian for responding to Ana’s announcement like a good person would.

“So you have no idea which company?”

“No. I know there are four publishing companies in Seattle—so I am assuming it’s one of them.”

“SIP,” she announces.

“Oh, the small one, good. Well done.” It’s the company that Ros identified as ripe for takeover. This will be easy.

Christian must have a verrrry different idea of what it means to not interfere with someone’s career. Though my experience is very limited in this area, my feeling is that immediately taking over the company someone just got a job at would be interfering with their career.

Ana also invites Christian to Jose’s photography show on Thursday. Big things happening in the shower! Including Christian’s penis, because they have more sex. Not even EL James wants to talk about it, though, so the scene gets skipped over pretty quickly.

They have dinner together after the shower, and Ana gets a little uncomfortable because she’s in her bathrobe and Mrs. Jones is there. Christian’s reaction to Ana’s discomfort is pretty much my new favourite line in the book:

She’s self-conscious.

Baby, I have staff. Get over it.

I just love this line so much. It’s so absurd and so flippant. It also does nothing to address the issue of Ana being self-conscious – the members of staff are still fellow humans that Ana may not want to be around when she’d rather just be alone with her boyfriend, hanging out in her bathrobe as you do.

Christian tells Ana to go get ready in the playroom because they’re going to have more fun together. But first, he has important business to attend to:

I head off to my study to send a quick e-mail to Ros telling her I want to start the process to acquire SIP as soon as possible.

Remember, he is NOT interfering with Ana’s career. Can you imagine what his interference would actually look like if this isn’t it.

Absolutely nothing of interest happens in the playroom. It’s basically just this:

After more garbled cries and a random discussion about what Ana was saying in her sleep (it really does come up out of nowhere and resolve absolutely nothing), the chapter is over. Yay!

Where do you guys think Leila is (you can’t guess Christian’s house even though I think it’s the right answer)? Did you think she was gonna appear in one of the random doorways that Christian checked during his morning run or like hiding in a trashcan around the corner from his apartment?

For those of you who read this blog for the little anecdotes about the lives that Ariel and I lead, I helped some friends move last weekend. These were the highlights:

• An old lady hung out by our uhaul telling us how low her rent is
• A glass pane somehow wound up in the moving truck wrapped in nothing but a single doily. Somehow it survived.
• Nobody our age can move furniture without someone shouting “PIVOT”

For those of you who read this blog for the bad books, I have great news for you too: Ana breaks up with Christian today!

And if you want to pretend the story ends there, maybe don’t read some of our old blog posts.

Grey: Thursday, June 4, 2011

If there’s one nice thing I can say about E L James’s writing is that even if you haven’t read any of the nineteen chapters prior to this one, not to mention the three parallel novels, you can open the book right to this chapter where Ana breaks up with Christian and not have missed a single thing that’s going on.

We have no contract. Yet Ana’s here. Beside me. What does this mean? How am I supposed to deal with her? Will she abide by my rules?

Look. E L James/Christian Grey. We get it. They talked about having one type of relationship, but have wound up having another. We get it. This is not a mystery that is quite as hard to follow as you are making it out to be.

Which is especially baffling given how hard the rest of their relationship is to follow:

“You’d always rather have sex than talk.” She laughs.
“True. Especially with you.”

Does Christian think this is a compliment?

“Oh,” she says, and I think she’s pleased.

Based on “Oh”??? Holy shit, that’s some extrapolation right there.

“I want you to follow the spirit of the contract in the playroom, and yes, I want you to follow the rules— all the time.” […]
“And if I break one of the rules?” she asks.
“Then I’ll punish you.”
“But won’t you need my permission?”
“Yes, I will.”
“And if I say no?” she persists.
Why is she being so willful?

Maybe because these rules she’s supposed to agree to make no fucking sense! If Ana breaks Christian’s rules then Christian punishes Ana, but only if Ana still agrees that the rule applies? No wonder she keeps asking what the point is. Jesus Christ, this is not an issue that requires a goddamn Noam Chomsky essay to break down.

I bet there’s one person just laughing their ass off right now.

“I’ll need to reread them,” she says, suddenly all businesslike. […]
I fire up my computer and print out the rules, wondering why we are discussing this at five in the morning.

It’s funny, because the reader is wondering why they’re discussing it for the 8000th time in this book.

They discuss the rules (again!) for a bit, before Ana rolls her eyes and Christian tells her he has to spank her now. Ana responds “You’re going to have to catch me first”, which I guess is as fair a reaction to the situation as any by the point with this moron.

“You’re going to have to catch me first.” She wears a coquettish smile, which addresses my dick directly.

And here I was wondering if we’d ever understand how a conversation about Christian Grey’s fetishes affected Christian Grey’s dick.

“Anastasia, you may fall and hurt yourself. Which will put you in direct contravention of rule number seven, now six.”

Nothing says foreplay like “direct contravention of rule number seven, now six”.

Suddenly (finally?), Ana drops a bombshell: telling Christian her goddamn feelings. This is what’s been saved for the climax of this decade’s biggest romance, you guys: communicating in a relationship.

“I feel about punishment the way you feel about me touching you.”
And from nowhere the darkness crawls over me, shrouding my skin, leaving an icy trail of despair in its wake.
No. No. I can’t bear to be touched. Ever.

Just in case you weren’t sure just how serious a claim this is, E L James has helpfully included reminders on complete opposite ends of the spectrum, but overwrought metaphor to just one step above Christian saying “This thing is bad.”

This is what leads to the infamous “Show me how much it can hurt scene”. So this affords a pretty solid (if not crucial) opportunity for James, since the way this scene looks from Christian’s perspective is key to this book’s existence. And, I gotta be honest, she doesn’t exactly do a bad job. This scene does look very different from Christian’s point of view, in that we really see how many times he tosses and turns the conflict around in his head. Albeit with emphasis on “how many times”, because, oh god, I have watched games of football with fewer turnovers than this scene.

Oh no. I release her and step out of her reach. […] I’m stunned. She’d fulfill this need for me? I can’t believe it. […]
No.
But if we do this, then I’ll know. She’ll know. […]
Can I do this?
And in that moment I know there’s nothing I want more…

Once again, surprisingly, the whipping scene actually works way better than expected from Christian’s point of view. Mostly in that it adds dimension verifying a reading that Christian is selfish, immature, and oblivious to the emotions of others, so, uh, dunno if that’s still a win for the “I hope someday I  find my own Christian Grey” crowd when I say “it works”.

Because it’s hard to feel like Christian is actually paying attention to the same scene that we’re reading, both during the scene:

There’s no one to hear you, baby. Shout all you need.
I belt her again.
“Five,” she sobs, and I pause, waiting for her to safe-word.
She doesn’t.

And after the scene:

I drop the belt, savoring my sweet, euphoric release. I’m punch-drunk, breathless, and finally replete. Oh, this beautiful girl, my beautiful girl. I want to kiss every inch of her body. We’re here. Where I want to be. I reach for her, pulling her into my arms.
“Let go. No—” She struggles out of my grasp, scrambling away from me, pushing and shoving and finally turning on me like a seething wildcat. “Don’t touch me!” she hisses. Her face is blotchy and smeared with tears, her nose is running, and her hair is a dark, tangled mess, but she has never looked so magnificent…

Like… Christian does not seem to be in the same book that we are reading. Or even the one that he was in previously.

She’s mad. Really mad.
Okay, I hadn’t figured on anger.

Never mind how many times “run screaming” has previously been used about what Christian worried might happen at this exact moment

Christian even manages to make this all about him, somehow. Even worse, E L James can’t even help doing it in a dark and mysterious way, AKA a uselessly vague way.

The crying I know and understand, but this rage… somewhere deep inside it resonates with me and I don’t want to think about that. Don’t go there, Grey.

Seriously, like, if you hate Christian Grey, this scene right here is your shit, because he’s clueless in it.

Why didn’t she ask me to stop? She didn’t safe-word. She deserved to be punished.

OKAY. SO. Let’s talk about this mess!

When the Fifty Shades movie came out this year, there was quite a lot of chatter about the fighting between the director and E L James. One of the most significant fights to receive media coverage was over this scene: the director wanted Ana to stop Christian’s whipping by shouting their agreed-upon safe word, but E L James insisted that Ana shout “Stop!”. Why James felt this was important (she won out in the end) is pretty telling of just how badly she misunderstands her story. One of the questions we deal with on this blog is what exactly it is that makes these books “bad”. Is it necessarily “bad” to tell the tale of someone who ends up in too deep in a sadomasochistic relationship and instinctively shouts “Stop” instead of the safe word she consented to? No. But it is then extremely important to ask why that is the story that you want to tell. Because once you throw in this angle where you have to question whether the characters understood the sexual acts they consented to, you are telling A SUPER DIFFERENT STORY. As in not a love story.

Anyway, that’s enough serious stuff for now. Ready for some insanely awful writing instead? Ana starts berating Christian, asking “This is what you really like? Me, like this?” and telling him he’s “one fucked-up son a bitch”. Which is Grey‘s cue for what might actually be E L James’s worst, most on-the-nose metaphor yet:

All the breath leaves my body, and it’s like she’s whipped ME with a belt

Let’s… let’s dwell on this one for a moment.

and it’s like she’s whipped ME with a belt

Holy fuck, you guys. This metaphor.

THIS is a better metaphor, and I don’t think it’s technically even a metaphor.

Ana leaves the room in tears. Naturally, despite that and also despite feeling like he was the one whipped with a belt, Christian still doesn’t get it.

That was, without a doubt, one of the most satisfying moments of my life. A moment ago I felt lighter, the weight of uncertainty between us gone.
It’s done. We’re there.

It’s like this. But serious. And with BDSM.

You might have gathered by now this is a pretty long chapter, so I’ll spare you the gory details, but, basically:

• The next morning, Ana tells Christian that she can’t be what he wants her to be, and then he finally gets it (which E L James rather articulately conveys through Christian’s inner dialogue as “Fuck.”)
• Ana admits that she’s fallen in love with Christian, to which Christian’s narration immediately responds with a paragraph about his stepfather teaching him how to dive. You can’t make this shit up. Ana says “I love you”, Christian starts thinking about jumping off a diving board.
• Christian insists Ana can’t love him, because that’s wrong, because he can’t make her happy doing what he wants.
• Ana rips off the band-aid and announces that she’s leaving, because there’s no point in her staying. She leaves the room to get dressed, and Christian follows her, because “she might want privacy, but if she’s leaving me I need clothes”, because Christian Grey is nothing if not practical.
• Christian Grey puts on a black t-shirt, because it’s “suitable for my mood”. Just in case you missed the subtlety there.
• Welch calls Christian to update him on Leila, because this is a good time for the narrative to devote two or three pages to the Leila subplot.
• Leila has left her husband. Ana walks in on Christian shouting at Welch that he fucked up. Even from Christian’s point of view, it is incredibly unclear how Leila leaving her husband is Welch’s fault.
• Ana returns the gifts Christian gave her, which confuses him. She asks for the money he got for the car, and his inner dialogue rages “Money. It always comes down to the fucking money.” Not once, but twice. Because evidently Christian only started paying attention to the story in the last paragraph. Are we supposed to think Christian’s… what? Insecure? Even in this situation, surely this isn’t the same thing.
• Ana leaves. Christian tries to take in his last sight of her, including “her delicate, elfin face”, which is a great time to learn that this is apparently what Ana’s face looks like.

No…. Ana. Don’t go.
“Good-bye, Christian.”
“Ana… good-bye.”
The doors close, and she’s gone. […] The void is now cavernous and aching, overwhelming me.

Bad news: the chapter is nowhere near over. Worse news: E L James is still writing it.

As I stand I touch the wooden table that dominates the foyer, my fingers absentmindedly tracing its delicate marquetry. I’d have liked to fuck Miss Steele over this.

I’m glad we have a whole, other book dedicated to telling the story from Christian Grey’s point of view, answering questions like “How did Christian feel during the breakup” with answers like “This is the furniture Christian wanted to have sex on”.

It makes me hard just thinking about it.

Christian. Babe. Stop.

The chapter goes through the rest of Christian’s first day without Ana, showing the emotional toll that has been wrecked on- fuck it, here’s Christian Grey angrily washing his hair:

I scrub my hair with grim determination.

And here’s Christian Grey talking to himself in the mirror and/or forgetting how reflections work:

“What the hell have you done, asshole?” I sneer at him. He mouths the words back at me with vitriolic contempt. And the bastard blinks at me

Christian finds the model glider that Ana left him as a gift. Long-time readers of the blog might remember that I – in complete seriousness – have said that this was the one thing from Fifty Shades of Grey that I actually thought was kinda touching. With that in mind, here’s Christian’s reaction:

It’s the perfect present from the perfect girl.

Oh my god. I got more emotional about this part than Christian Grey did. The guy writing the “I hate Christian Grey” blog.

This chapter is still not over, and we also learn that:

• Leila and her husband got married during a drunken weekend in Vegas
• E L James still thinks that details about Leila are what this chapter is missing, apparently
• Taylor has some spare modeling glue on hand because building model planes is a hobby of his, because he wanted to be a pilot but was color blind. We are learning more emotional new information about Taylor than we are about Christian, in Christian’s fucking breakup chapter.
• Elena calls Christian and he reluctantly reveals that things with Ana went south. He wonders if Elena “knew this day would come”. Can’t wait for it to take him another two books to figure out Elena doesn’t actually want him to pursue Ana. Although based on how  E L James managed to present Elena in this book, I wouldn’t be able to figure it out.

There’s still five more short chapters in this book, so we’re not quite done with Sad Christian yet, but for now I’ll leave you with Christian’s final thoughts today:

Outside, night has fallen; lights twinkle and wink through the pouring rain. The world moves on.
Move on, Grey.
Move on.

And we’ll see how many times this gif gets used before this book is over.

In a few weeks, we’re going to be finished reading E L James’s Grey. I know, it’s like we just started. The time sure flies when you’re reading a romance where the characters go from having first met to madly in love in a few weeks.

So we have a very serious, very important decision ahead of us, and we need our readers’ help. Yes, you. You reading this sentence right now. You could make some serious changes around these parts, all you have to do is make a suggestion answering one very important question:

What book should we read next?

Ariel and I have noticed that we’ve gotten a lot of book recommendations while we’ve been drowning in Divergent and Jamie McGuire and – the closest thing we’ve ever had to a contractual obligation yet – Grey. A lot of them seemed really interesting. But it’s been a while, and perhaps interests have waned. So we really want to take a moment to get a sense of what the people want right now. What book should we read next?

So leave a comment! Is there a book you think we really need to read? Is there a book that you think nobody should ever read? Then it sounds perfect, and you should let us know what it is on this post! One of these mass “hey, do you have a book recommendation for us, literally everyone?” posts was how we started reading House of Night, so we know you guys know about some real shit that we gotta check out. Even if you have commented about a book before, please mention it again on this post. We cannot remember even suggestions we might have explicitly told you sounded awesome at the time, because we have to remember minor details about Christian Grey’s childhood. We don’t like it either.

All of that being said, there are a few things that we’re not especially interested in:

• Another Jamie McGuire novel about the Maddox brothers. We know there are like 8000. We’re pretty good right now.
• Something incredibly similar to something we’ve just read. Like, say, Maze Runner.
• We’ve also done a lot of romance. Not that we’re not game for another one, but there are a lot of genres we haven’t gotten a chance to explore yet.
• Boring-bad books, as opposed to hilarious-bad books. You guys know what kind of books do and don’t work well for the blog.

So what have you got for us?

House of Night, Chosen, Chapter 13:

Zoey is disappointed with the food options in Aphrodite’s house because she’s just a regular Joe that wants a “decent can of pop.”

I’d already noticed that the fridge had a six-pack of Perrier, a couple of bottles of white wine, and a few bricks of that expensive imported cheese that smells like feet. There were some packages of butcher-paper-wrapped meat and fish in the freezer and ice cubes, but that was it. The cupboards had a bunch of stuff in them, but it was all rich-people food. You know, imported tins offish that still have their heads on, smoked oysters (eesh), other strange meat and pickled stuff, andlong boxes of something called water crackers. There was not one can of decent pop.

“We’re gonna have to go to the grocery store,” I said.

“If you can keep Stinky locked back in the bedroom, all you have to do is get into my parents’ on-line account with Petty’s Foods. Click what you want from the store. They’ll deliver and charge it to my parents.”

“Won’t they freak when they see the bill?”

“They won’t even notice,” she said. “The bank pays it directly. It’s no big deal.”

“Really?” I was amazed people actually lived like that. “You guys are rich.”

It would be hilarious if the bank froze the account because Zoey’s charges were so suspicious. “Who’s buying the off-brand soda and non stinky cheese? This is definitely fraud!” [Matthew says: Actually when you stop to think about it, why is any of this food in a building that nobody currently lives in anyway? Are Aphrodite’s parents consciously thinking, “Aw geez, we’re running low on stinky cheese in that uninhabited residence on our property! Better get more!”]

Stevie Rae returns from her shower, and Zoey acts like this was a massive step in the right direction. As though a shower is one of the biggest barriers the undead face to being alive again.

From this point on, for the whole fucking chapter, Aphrodite and Stevie Rae are at each other’s throats (sometimes literally.) It’s the usual bull crap we’ve seen a million times where a character who once hated another character is forced to work in close proximity with her and accept that she’s part of the team now. As I pretty much always say on here, I absolutely do not mind this scenario when it’s done well. Watching two characters that started out hating each other but then become best friends sometimes makes me get super emotional. This is not one of those stories.

“You smell better,” Aphrodite said.

I glared at her.

“What? That was nice.”

I sighed and shot her an obvious you’re not helping look. “Okay, how about we talk about coming up with a plan?” I meant it to be a rhetorical question, but Aphrodite spoke up right away.

“What exactly are we planning about? I mean, I know Stevie Rae has, uh, unique issues, but I’m not sure what you think can be done about them. She’s dead. Or undead dead.” She glanced a Stevie Rae.“Okay, I’m not actually trying to be mean, but—”

“It’s not mean. It’s just the truth.” Stevie Rae interrupted her. “But don’t pretend that you care about my feelings now any more than you did before I died.”

“I was trying to be nice,” Aphrodite snapped, sounding the opposite of nice.

“Try harder,” I said.

I know we’re supposed to like Aphrodite at this point, but I feel like suddenly she’s just this snarky, caricature of a character that we’re supposed to find amusing when in the past she was supposed to be so so awful to the point where none of these other characters can accept her help. She walks up to the gang and the twins basically just start shouting, “HATEFUL HAG” at her (which is an insult no one would ever seriously shout repeatedly at another person.)

I really think we need to see more evidence of this past, horrible Aphrodite, because mostly all we’ve seen is this version of her. Was she even that bad in the first book? Now the Casts are trying to write a hilariously mean version of Aphrodite without any convincing character development. Ha ha look at Zoey trying to teach Aphrodite how to be friendlier! It’s so cute! Because Nyx declared it so!

The thing is, even though I find Aphrodite’s abrupt transformation to be predictable, I do enjoy her moments with Zoey. It’s the moments with her and Stevie Rae bickering that are driving me crazy. I can’t even remember witnessing any specific animosity between Stevie Rae and Aphrodite except the normal shade Aphrodite threw at all of Zoey’s annoying friends. If she had done specifically horrible things to Stevie Rae I could maybe buy this.

But who cares what I think? There are facts to reiterate!

“First, Stevie Rae doesn’t have to live around adult vamps anymore, so that means that she has completed a Change.” Aphrodite started to open her mouth and I hurried on. “Second, she has to have blood, even more often than normal adult vamps.” I looked from Stevie Rae to Aphrodite. “Do either of the two of you know if adult vamps go crazy if they don’t drink blood regularly?”

“In Advanced Vampyre Soc we’ve learned that adults need to drink blood regularly to stay healthy.That’s mind and body.” Aphrodite shrugged. “Neferet is the prof for the class, and she’s never said anything about vamps going crazy if they don’t drink. But that might be one of the things they tell us only after we’ve made the Change.”

I feel like if Neferet didn’t talk about it, it’s probably the exact piece of information Zoey and Aphrodite need. Nyx will probably let them know via Zoey’s ‘gut’ soon enough.

The girls talk more about how Stevie Rae needs human blood, that she needs to be invited in by someone living in a household, and finally she reveals that she can make humans do what she wants them to do. I get all my vampire lore mixed up – some sparkle, some have souls, some have no souls, some can walk in the sun if they wear magical rings, some can have weird hybrid babies with humans, etc – but this is all sounding like the vampires from True Blood to me.

Not only is Aphrodite now contractually obligated to say something rude-cute-funny to Stevie Rae in every conversation, she also has to say something sexual to make Zoey uncomfortable now:

Aphrodite raised an eyebrow. “You’ve Imprinted with your human boyfriend. How tough was it for you to persuade him to let you have a little suck.” She paused, smiling wickedly. “Of his blood, I mean.”

So now she’s sort of Sawyer from Lost meets Samantha from Sex and the City meets Damon from Vampire Diaries. 

Aphrodite and Stevie Rae quickly determine that Stevie Rae is soulless, and as usual their logic is infallible:

I couldn’t even stand to think that what she was saying might be possible, and I opened my mouth to argue with her, but Aphrodite was quicker.

“That makes sense. It’s why you can’t come inside a living person’s home without being invited. It’s also probably why you’ll burn up if the sun hits you. No soul—no standing against the light.”

“How did you know about that?” Stevie Rae asked.

“I’m vision girl, remember?

Absolutely none of this justification is convincing except the vision thing, because you just can’t argue with that because all of her other visions have been right. However, saying it makes sense for someone to need to be invited into a home because they have no soul is like saying I don’t have a pet frog, so I can’t go into a Burger King without permission. Don’t get me started on how a soul is what protects you from the sunlight. That’s complete nonsense.

This revelation leads to Stevie Rae and Aphrodite arguing (of course), Stevie Rae attacking Aphrodite, Zoey using the “because Nyx” explanation a lot, and Aphrodite to literally spelling out her motivations.

Stevie Rae narrowed her eyes at Aphrodite, who was still rubbing her neck and sucking air. “I still want to know why she’d bother to help us. She’s never liked any of us. She’s a liar and a user and a total bitch.”

“Atonement,” Aphrodite managed to gasp.

“What?” Stevie Rae said.

Aphrodite glared at her. Her voice was raspy, but she was definitely regaining her breath and had gone from being scared to being pissed. “What’s wrong? Is the word too big for you? A-T-O-N-E-M-E-N-T.” She spelled it. “It means I have to make up for something I’ve done. A lot of somethings, actually. So I have to do what I didn’t do before—which is to follow Nyx’s will.” She paused and cleared her throat, grimacing in pain. “No, I don’t like it any better than you do. And, just by the by,you still smell bad and your country-ass clothes are stupid.”

To be fair, I am glad Stevie Rae finally asked Aphrodite why she’s helping, because you’d think she’d realize that if Aphrodite was really this awful, terrible person, there’d have to be a good reason she was suddenly going out of her way to help them out. However, being a kind of mean teenage girl isn’t really the kind of thing you have to spend your life atoning for unless you really ruined some lives, and I’ve yet to see evidence Aphrodite has done so. But “because Nyx”, so who cares?

Zoey also explains that she can’t exactly ask the idiot squad for help because Neferet could easily read their feeble minds given nothing is really going on in any of them, and that Neferet can’t read Aphrodite’s mind because Nyx.

Aphrodite and Stevie Rae descend into another useless argument:

“Okay, look,” I said. “We need to have some kind of truce between the three of us. I cannot be afraid if I turn my head the two of you are going to be trying to kill each other.”

“She couldn’t kill me,” Stevie Rae said, curling her lip unattractively.

“Because you’re already dead or because I don’t want to get close enough to your stinkiness to kick your bony ass?” Aphrodite asked in a sickeningly sweet voice.

“This is exactly what I mean!” I shouted. “Stop it! If we can’t get along, how in the hell can we expect to figure out a way to stand up to Neferet and fix what’s happened to Stevie Rae?”

Man, Zoey sure has her work cut out for her with these two! I wonder what she could possible do to unite them:

“We have to stand up to Neferet?” Aphrodite said.

“Why do we have to stand up to her?” Stevie Rae said.

“Because she’s fucking evil!” I yelled.

“You said fuck,” Stevie Rae said.“Yeah, and you didn’t get struck by lightning or melt or anyfuckingthing like that,” Aphrodite saidgleefully.

“That didn’t even look right coming out of your mouth, Z,” Stevie Rae said.

I couldn’t help smiling at Stevie Rae. She suddenly looked and sounded so much like herself that I felt a huge rush of hope. She was still in there. I just had to figure out a way to get her to be in touchwith—

“That’s it!” I sat forward excitedly.

“You cussing is it? I don’t think so, Z. It’s really just not you,” Stevie Rae said.

“I think you were right when you said your soul was missing, Stevie Rae. Or at least part of it’s missing.”

“You’re sounding like that’s a good thing, which I totally don’t get,” Aphrodite said.

“I hate to agree with her, but yeah, why is my missing soul a good thing?” Stevie Rae said.

“Because that’s how we fix you!” They just stared at me with blank, dopey looks. I rolled my eyes. “All we have to do is figure out how to get your soul back into you all in one piece and you’ll be whole. You might not be exactly like you used to be. Clearly, you’ve completed a Change that’s not exactly normal.”

“Clearly,” Aphrodite mumbled.

“But with a healed soul you get your humanity back—you get yourself back. And that’s really what’s most important. All this other stuff,” I made an abstract gesture at her. “You know, your weird eyes and the whole drink-blood-or-you-go-crazy issue, all that stuff can be dealt with if you’re really you again.”

“Go on. I’ll see you later,” Stevie Rae said. “You don’t need to worry about me. I’m already dead. What more can go wrong?”

“She has a point,” Aphrodite said.

“Okay, well. See ya,” I said. I didn’t want to say I thought she had a point, too. That seemed to beasking for trouble. I mean, she was undead, and that was pretty awful. But there were other things that could go wrong, too. The thought made a creepy chill go up my spine, which, sadly, I ignored and kept blundering on into my future. Too bad I didn’t have any idea of the horror I was blundering blindly into.

So what do you guys make of the dynamic between Zoey and Stevie Rae? Is anyone as annoyed as I am by it?

House of Night, Chosen: Chapter 14

As they arrive back at the school, Aphrodite insists on being dropped off by the trapdoor in the wall so that nobody knows they’re hanging out. Zoey – who totally doesn’t want to be friends with Aphrodite – argues that it doesn’t matter if people do know that, but Aphrodite points out that they have actual, legitimate enemies in common who would probably get suspicious.

Zoey also checks that Aphrodite will be part of the Full Moon Ritual that night, which Aphrodite points out that Zoey has to reinstate her into the Dark Daughters in order to do so. This is awkward, because Aphrodite used to be in charge of the Dark Daughters. This is awkward too, because Zoey has instituted some seriously dweeby rules during her brief reign, like being “authentic for air”. Aphrodite’s on our side:

“I said, yeah. I’ll swear to your new lame-ass rules.”
“Aphrodite, part of the swearing means that you don’t believe the rules are lame.”
“No, there’s nothing in the swearing that says I can’t think they’re lame. I just have to say that I’ll be authentic for air, faithful for fire, wise for water, empathetic for earth, and sincere for spirit. So I’m authentically saying I think your new rules are lame.”

As Aphrodite exits the car, she pauses, saying that “something feels wrong”, and also that “I do get feelings about things sometimes and don’t have a full-blown vision”, which just sounds like a normal thing that happens to everybody when you put it like that. I learned today that Taco Bell is going to sell tacos with “crispy chicken shells”, and I definitely got feelings about that thing sans full-blown vision.

I can assume I’d be getting full-blown something, though.

Aphrodite leaves the car, assuming she’s just “imaging things” [sic] and walks onto campus and screams. Zoey helpfully explains what she does next:

Sometimes I don’t think. My body takes over and I just act. This was one of those times.

Zoey runs over to Aphrodite, who is doubled over and puking, and also helpfully describes what’s going on:

It was the most horrible thing I’d ever seen. At first my mind wouldn’t even register what it was. Later I thought that must have been some kind of instant defense mechanism. Unfortunately, it didn’t last long. I blinked and peered into the darkness. Something looked slick and wet and—
And I knew what the sweet, seductive smell was.

Just so we’re clear, it took Zoey a whole paragraph to not describe what she saw, and then another whole paragraph to describe how the thing she saw that she wasn’t describing describes another thing now that she knows what the thing is that she hasn’t described yet. Not to mention that whole “Sometimes I do things. This was one of those times.” thing.

7 billion words later, Zoey gets around to explaining that a vampire (their teacher Professor Nolan that a previously unseen character was looking for a few chapters ago, because plot twists) has been beheaded, nailed to a wooden cross, and had a wooden stake plunged into her heart.

Which is somehow not as fucked up as how the Casts felt the best way to up the drama was to have Zoey describe describing the scene for a hundred or so words first.

Zoey and Aphrodite run off in search of help, and also quickly come up with a lie to explain why they were together (spoiler: they seriously overthink this situation). They cross paths with some teachers… including Neferet! Who is evil! Except right now, where she and Zoey very conveniently forget that their last conversation was a little too much like this:

To go like this:

she’d become the mother I wished I’d had, and in my panic seeing her sent a rush of incredible relief pouring through my body.

Tonally awkward is the word, here.

House of Night, Chosen: Chapter 15

Vampire warriors show up to provide protection while everyone investigates the scene. Zoey also points out that the two or three vampire warriors “and Loren made me feel about a zillion times safer”, because, yes, when I fear for my physical safety, I want to be sure the poet laureate is there.

Meanwhile, the gruesome hate crime has created some kind of truce between Zoey and Neferet, which is handled ok enough:

Neferet’s voice was kind and understanding, and I wished with everything inside me that she was still one of the good guys.

This somehow almost immediately segues into a tender scene between Zoey and Loren, her teacher who made out with her and wants to bone her, which is handled less than ok.

“Loren, take Zoey back to the dorm. There’s nothing more she can do here. As soon as we’re properly protected, I’m going to call the human police,” Neferet said […]
Loren helped me back to the SUV […] “eating will make you feel better.” His hand slid down from my elbow to hold mine. “Let me cook for you, Zoey.” […]
“Can you cook?” I asked him, grabbing at any subject that wasn’t death and horror.
“Yes, but not well,” he grinned, looking like a handsome little boy. […] “Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle with you.”

Loren offers Zoey some blood-laced wine, and suggests he knew she’d like it because he’s guessed she’s imprinted Heath. Surprise, this turns into speech about how Zoey should totally just bang him.

“It happens. Sometimes we accidentally Imprint.”
“Fledglings don’t. We’re not even supposed to be drinking human blood,” I said.
Loren’s smile was warm and filled with appreciation. “You’re not a normal fledgling, so the normal rules don’t apply to you.” His gaze held mine and it seemed he was talking about much more than accidentally drinking a little human blood. […] “You’re not like the rest of those fledgling children. And I happen to adhere to the belief that some rules were meant to be broken.”

I seriously feel really, really bad for all the people who genuinely enjoyed the first House of Night book, and then eagerly picked up the second only to discover it suddenly went in a “so, just hear us out here: statutory rape” direction.

I mean, really. It’s disgusting how hard the Casts are actually trying to legitimize Zoey and Loren as a totally okay couple. Which is extra bad because the Casts struggle with the “okay couple” part to being with:

He rummaged around in a cabinet until he made a little “ahha!” noise and turned around to pour a big ol’ pile of nacho cheese-flavored Doritos on my plate.
I smiled. […] “Doritos! That’s perfect.”

Wherever your expectations are right now, you still need to lower them:

“Since when are you and Aphrodite friends?” “We’re not,” I said around a bite of sandwich (which actually was very good— so he’s ridiculously handsome, sexy, smart, and he can cook!).

Loren made her a ham and cheese sandwich. I shit you not. We went from a ham and cheese sandwich to “and he can cook!”.

They talk about the murder itself, which is good, since that part was actually interesting. And as an added bonus is not about a high school teacher trying to sleep with a high school student. They discuss the note that was found near the victim reading, “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live. Exodus 22:18”, which they immediately connect to the local cult, The People of Faith. Loren mentions that “it’s been decades since there’s been an open attack by humans on vampyres” which “will change things”, and then shit gets serious when he clarifies “We will not suffer insult without giving insult in return.”

Which, unfortunately, prompts Zoey to reflect that revenge-crazed Loren “was honestly the hottest thing I’ve ever seen”, and then they make out. Loren quotes Romeo and Juliet. Zoey wonders if he loves her.

Zoey goes back to her room, reflecting on how increased security after the incident will make it much harder to sneak blood out to Stevie Rae. She also calls her mom to try to figure out if her zealot stepfather could maybe be connected to the attack. It goes nowhere. Much like this book.

On Saturday I was looking over our stats for the week and thinking, ‘yup, business as usu – wait what?’ when I noticed that we were getting an enormous amount of traffic for a Saturday. I don’t know what it is about Saturdays, maybe everyone is too hungover to deal with these books or maybe everyone is out on romantic dates with rich, overbearing billionaires, who knows, but unlike Sundays, the blog is just not happenin’ on a Saturday. Turns out Cracked linked to us in their article 6 Horrifying True Stories To Read Before Using Sex Toys. Of course that’s the article we are mentioned in. If there’s a weird sex toy story that was inevitably inspired by Fifty Shades, there’s a 99.9% chance we’ve covered it in one of our posts.

What a great weekend it’s been! So it’s time to make myself miserable and read Grey!

Grey: Sunday, June 5, 2011

In the immediate aftermath of his breakup with Ana, Christian mourns the loss of a woman who entered his life less than a month ago:

I gaze up at the bedroom ceiling. Sleep eludes me. I’m tormented by Ana’s fragrance, which still clings to my bedsheets.

James missed a golden opportunity to remind us of all the beautiful, sometimes impossible things Ana smells like. Apples! Bananas! Hope! The cure to cancer! Memories! Smoked Meat!

I pull her pillow over my face to breathe in her scent. It’s torture, it’s heaven, and for a moment I contemplate death by suffocation.

Get a grip, Grey.

Sometimes when I’m making fun of these books, I realize I’m being hugely hypocritical, so I have a confession to make. Even though I had known my now-husband for awhile before we started dating, we only dated for like 3 weeks before I was going to back to America and leaving him behind in England. I was a wreck when I got home, and I was constantly smelling the two shirts he’d given me (in case you were wondering, he smelled like honey and tears and love and manly rainbows).

If you wind up marrying the object of your affections in these situations, you have the luxury of looking back and saying obnoxious things with tears welling your eyes like, “I JUST KNEW. Our souls were just two lonely manatees floating at sea until the ocean brought them together because DESTINY.” But if you don’t end up together, you have to be like, “LOL whoops! I greatly misjudged that situation.”

Despite the fact that Christian does wind up with SPOILER ALERT ********* Ana *********** END SPOILER, I still think he’s a moron, and that is my right as an American citizen.

Christian wonders how things could have gone differently, and then comes to the conclusion that breaking up with Ana because they would have always “reached this impasse”. I understand his point, but I disagree. He knew Ana was new to the concept of a safeword, he knew that she struggled to express her true feelings to him when it wasn’t via email, so he could have stopped spanking her as hard as possible when he felt the slightest bit of doubt about the situation. Maybe, though, they always would have reached a point where she was freaked out by the fact that he had this desire to beat her “consensually,” which is absolutely valid. I just can’t believe Christian can’t see how that particular incident might have played out differently.

Christian has yet another chronological nightmare. I feel so sorry for him, I do, but these nightmares are so poorly written (hush, I know the whole book is horribly written, but this is different. This is making me behave callously during a scene where a child is suffering.) In this nightmare, the man from Christian’s other nightmares returns to beat and yell at his mother, and he then goes after Christian. The phrase “You are one fucked up bitch,” which the man shouts at Christian’s mother, is repeated six times, and in case it’s not clear why, it ties seamlessly into the present:

You are one fucked-up son of a bitch.

Ana’s words ring in my head.

Like his.

Fuck.

I couldn’t help the crack whore.

I tried. Good God, I tried.

There you are, you little shit.

But I could help Ana.

I think “help” is a word that exists in the English language. Does it belong here? Probably not.

The parallels to Christian’s past are not as strong here as EL James wishes they were. Christian saved Ana from future beatings by spanking her so hard she fled of her own accord? So helpful. It’s basically redemption for his inability to save his mother from an evil man when he was a toddler.

In case you were wondering how Christian’s inner cock was dealing with this crippling loss, I present you with this moment:

I wake again with a jolt and it’s light—early-morning sunshine fills the room. I was dreaming of Ana: Ana kissing me, her tongue in my mouth, my fingers in her hair; pressing her delectable body against me, her hands tethered above her head.

Where is she?

For one sweet moment I forget all that transpired yesterday—then it floods back.

She’s gone.

Fuck.

The evidence of my desire presses into the mattress—but the memory of her bright eyes, clouded with hurt and humiliation as she left, soon solves that problem.

I just imagine this sad penis deflating in sorrow.

Unable to maintain an erection, Christian stares sadly up at the ceiling. He has no idea what to do with himself, until he remembers that he always goes for a run in these situations. Eclectic as always he starts of listening to “Arrival of the Montagues and Capulets” and then switches to the Black Eyed Peas “Pump It,” which feels like a weird choice from a tonal perspective this chapter.

There wasn’t enough stalking this chapter for my taste, so I’m really happy when Christian runs around outside Ana’s apartment, hoping to catch a glimpse of her while letting his imagination run wild that she got drunk last night and slept with someone else. It’s a relief that this breakup hasn’t changed who Christian is in any deep, meaningful way.

He jogs away, trying to convince himself Ana’s not the one for him, and then immediately in the next scene this happens:

I stand up and stretch. I’ve been at my desk in my study all day, and it’s been productive. Ros has worked hard, too. She’s prepared and sent me a first draft business plan and letter of intent for SIP.

At least I’ll be able to keep an eye on Ana.

The creepy guardian angel everyone dreams of having. The one who makes you wonder why all of the men you start dating always seem to disappear under mysterious circumstances.

Christian admits to us that he misses Ana (I was not expecting that!) And even Mrs. Jones feels sorry for him when he says she only needs to cook for one tonight. NOTHING IS SADDER THAN COOKING FOR ONE #SingleLife

http://www.buzzfeed.com/leonoraepstein/mindys-microwave-cooking-for-one-is-a-real-1980s-book#.upkjD3QDw

On a completely random note, has anyone tried those limited edition brownie batter Oreos? They’re amazing! Whoever spends their life dedicated to crafted new flavours of Oreos has my undying love.

Last week, when we hit the part where the original Fifty Shades of Grey book ended and then I said that there’s still another five chapters to go, a few people starting asking questions, mostly along the lines of, “Sweet merciful lord, WHY?”

To be totally fair, seeing the aftermath of the breakup from Christian’s perspective is a totally legitimate thing to include in the parallel novel from Christian’s perspective. The problem, as it always is, is Christian Grey:

Grey: Sunday, June 6, 2011

We open with Christian kicking around his apartment, unable to sleep. We’re at two days after the breakup, so if you thought Christian Grey was an angry character before…

For fuck’s sake, she said she’d try! […] She said she’d try, but she fell at the first hurdle.

He does occasionally recognize that what happened – eg, constantly pressuring her to do sex stuff that she wasn’t comfortable with until she reluctantly said she’d try it and then physically beating her with a belt – is mostly his fault.

she asked me to, and I was too impetuous and selfish to resist the temptation. […] What a fucking fool I am.
How could she trust me after that? It’s right that she’s gone.

Christian considers getting drunk, and we learn some intriguing details there:

I have not been drunk since I was fifteen— well, once, when I was twenty-one. I loathe the loss of control: I know what alcohol can do to a man.

This isn’t a bad bit of shading on Christian’s character. It makes sense that his abusive childhood would result in him having this negative view about abusing alcohol to dealing with emotional pain. Of course, this would be a lot better if we didn’t already know from the other books that the thing that causes him so much anguish that he breaks and turns to alcohol is… his wife getting pregnant…

Christian has a flashback/nightmare from a time that his mother’s pimp kicked him around, which prompts him to think about how an unexpected benefit of his relationship with Ana was that when she slept by his side, his nightmares went away.

It never occurred to me to sleep with any of my subs. Well, I never felt the inclination. […] It took an inebriated innocent to show me how restful it could be.

Because none of the benefits Ana can offer Christian could possibly come as a result of her choosing to do something for him, only things from when he took advantage of her. I’m really glad we have a whole five extra days for insights into the terrifying hell that is love in an E L James novel.

And it wouldn’t be an E L James novel if it weren’t as batshit absurd as it is batshit horrifying, so Christian resorts to going to bed with the model glider Ana gave him. Not making this up. Christian Grey is cuddling with a toy airplane because it reminds him of Ana.

Feeling a little foolish, I take the glider with me to bed. […] It was her last gift to me. Her first gift being… what?
Of course. Herself.

Although I kinda like how Christian spells it out, like E L James was seriously concerned someone would get this far in the book and not follow this one.

The next day at work, Christian does Business, which are 100% the best subplots in this book, because none of it means anything:

• Ros confirms that Detroit is an objectively better location than Savannah for the development plant, or whatever the hell it is that they’re building. It just occurred to me I don’t actually know.
• Olivia is still being a “silly girl” around Christian, and he thinks about transferring to her to a different department. Again.

And even if, for some reason, getting more information about Christian as a businessman was something you were genuinely interested in, Grey has actually managed to make Christian look like a pretty shitty businessman. Here he is literally calling up the head of his R&D department to make a custom stand for his model glider instead of just buying this product that almost certainly already exists:

“Barney, I need you to make me a stand for a model glider.”

But don’t worry, Christian has plenty of thoughts about his love life at work too! Unnecessary spoiler: they’re all awful.

No, [Ana] won’t forget me. Women always remember the first man they fucked, don’t they?

Whereas conversely, Christian has never once mentioned Elena in this book.

Following this fear that Ana will just forget him (despite being the first man she fucked? Say WHA?), Christian orders her flowers. E L James hits peak hilarious/horrifying E L James when Christian has to think of a message to go with the flowers:

Come back. I’m sorry. I won’t hit you again.

For some reason, he instead opts to congratulate her on her first day at work and to thank her for the glider. Thus depriving us of a much better book where Christian ends up on some kind of watch list.

Speaking of watch lists, get ready for a little something we like to call “E L James does not totally get that stalking isn’t romantic”.  I mean, it is no surprise to regular readers that on a scale of 1 to Cullen, Christian goes beyond to like 3.4 Cullens. (Side note: a “Cullen” is now the unit of measurement for degree of stalking.) And this has been a longtime criticism of Fifty Shades. Since, like, day negative seventy. So maybe in her parallel novel…

You already know which one it is.

“Taylor, can we make a detour?”
“Where to, sir?”
“Can you drive past Miss Steele’s apartment?”
“Yes, sir.”

I’m not sure which bothers me more: how Taylor is totally chill with this and never shows any signs of thinking “man, maybe I shouldn’t be complicit in this”, or how we’re supposed to believe that Ana’s apartment that she pays for with an entry-level job in the publishing industry is somehow on multibillionaire Christian Grey’s commute.

“Drive slow,” I instruct Taylor as we near her building.
The lights are on.
She’s home!
I hope she’s alone

“Again, sir?” Taylor asks, as we slowly cruise past

TAYLOR, DO NOT ENCOURAGE HIM.

When Christian gets home, he wanders around his apartment, thinking of more places he would have liked to bang Ana,

I wander listlessly into my library. It’s ironic I never showed her this room, given her love of literature.

That’s not irony. That’s just stupid.

Even though search engines (I AM LOOKING AT YOU GOOGLE, WITH YOUR NEW WEIRD LOGO) have made it really hard to collect data on what search terms bring people to your website, you still have access to some of that data. Thank fuck we do because some of the searches that lead folks to BBGT are amazing. Here are some of the ones that have brought me much joy lately:

Weird Searches Ahoy!

1. “how to do ombre nails” You made a wrong turn somewhere on the internet. We are not teenage YouTube sensations.
2. “Zoey and Loren porn”  I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.
   
3. “best sex scene ever” We don’t have access to that kind of information here.
4. “clips of hard dick moving without hands”
   
5. “hyde dating megumi fanfic” I don’t meant to read too much into this, but is there someone out there looking for a really specific Fifty Shades/Crossfire crossover fanfic which pairs Jack Hyde with Megumi? Who out there was like, “Now those two would make a great couple”?
6. “jared grey cock size” Who is this person and why do you think we know anything about his penis?
7. “why ana called her baby blip” because she is a moron.
8. “the host fanfic condoms” always practice safe fanfic reading.
9. “youre all horrible”
   
10. “romantic shy virgin honeymoon story written in chapters of american” This is the most patriotic thing I have ever read.
11. “what is gideon cross’s personality type” ASSHOLE.
12. “good time book” No. Go somewhere else.
13. “insurgent movie doesn’t make sense” I love you.
14. “what really happens in the bathroom in the fifty shades of grey book”
    
15. “us bank address for chapter 13 notice” Oh that sounds like an important one. I hope they actually found the bank address. And also enjoyed the blog.

    And one last one for the road:

16. “the mention of orange juice in the fifty shades books” We definitely know about the orange juice mention!
    

Check out some of the other weird searches from previous posts. If you guys enjoy these, I’ll try to start posting more frequently as there are always so many gems.

House of Night, Chosen: Chapter 16

This chapter marks the return of beloved fan-favourite Heath! Jokes aside, I’m sure there was at least one House of Night fan that was starting to get antsy about when Heath would pop up in this book. Would he be away at a football-Shakespeare tournament? Or would he show up to throw another wrench into Zoey’s increasingly complicated and inappropriate love life?

I knew the second Heath got back in town because he interrupted my dream. I had been lying out in
the sun (see, clearly a dream) on a big, heart-shaped floatie in the middle of a lake made of Sprite (who knows?), when all of a sudden everything disappeared and Heath’s familiar voice burst into my skull.

What a delightfully quirky dream Zoey’s having, before Heath’s voice booms down on her like God himself is speaking! The little details like a lake made of Sprite of all the wacky things really makes her feel like such a relatable heroine.

Zoey opens her eyes, but only her asshole cat is there. I am so tired of having to read about this fucker “mee-uf-owing.” WE KNOW HOW CATS SOUND, OKAY? I don’t care if you think this cat has a slightly different way of meowing – it adds nothing, nothing, do you hear me? God.

Quickly forgetting about Heath and upsetting the one person who gave a fuck that he was back in the story, Zoey returns to fretting about her step-father’s possible involvement in the murder of Professor Nola, who you definitely hadn’t already forgotten was a character that apparently existed in this series.

Even though Zoey doesn’t care about her step-father, she doesn’t want her mother implicated if he was involved. Even if you are 100% invested in this story because you suffered a head injury or are going through a difficult time in your personal life, I would think Zoey and the Casts have made the mother so unsympathetic that this inner-conflict is super uninteresting even though it makes sense that Zoey would still be sad if something bad happened to her mother. This lady is hella icky!

Today I was just stressed. On top ofeverything else, having Aphrodite join our circle wasn’t going to be a popular move. Whatever. My friends were just going to have to deal with it. I sighed. My life seriously sucked. Plus, I was probably depressed. Didn’t depressed people sleep for, like, ever? I closed my bristly eyes, giving in to my self-diagnosis and was almost asleep when “Zoey baby!” screamed through my mind just as my alarm started bleating.

Is Heath mentally screaming, “ZOEY BABY”? That’s fantastic! It just gets stranger the more you think about it. It’s written like there’s no natural pause in there like, “Zoey, baby, wake up.” Nope. Just straight-up ZOEY BABY HURRY DOWN THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT is definitely how it is supposed to be read.

In case ZOEY BABY wasn’t enough of a gift from the Casts, it’s time for more texts from Heath. Did you miss Heath’s text messages? I sure did. They are perfectly crafted works of art:

Zo! Im bak!

Zoey I have to see u

Still luv you Zo

Zo? Call me.

ZO BABY CALL ME GURL I LUV U I HOPE U LUV ME 2!!!!111!!

I don’t think you understand. If the Casts offered a Teens Texting 101 class, I would take it in a heartbeat. Teach me your ways!

Zoey recaps her relationship with Heath for the audience, and it’s amazing:

He and I had Imprinted more than a month ago. He’d also been snatched by Stevie Rae’s gross undead-dead kids’ gang and almost killed. I’d played like I was the cavalry (or at the very least Storm from X-Men) and rescued him, but before we could get totally away Neferet had showed up and zapped our memories. Because of my gifts from Nyx, I’d regained my memories. I didn’t have a clue if Heath remembered anything at all.

Cool, okay, so far so good. We’ll just let that weird reference to Storm awkwardly float there in the air where it belongs. As soon as Zoey starts trying to explain her past experience dating Heath is where I’m like, “Wait. No. What? Why are you saying these things?”

Okay, clearly he remembered that we Imprinted. Or that we’re still dating. Although we really weren’t. I sighed again. How did I feel about Heath? He’d been my on-again, off-again boyfriend since I was in third grade and he was a fourth-grader. Truthfully, we’d mostly been on-again until he decided to have a deep and meaningful relationship with Budweiser. I so don’t want my young lad to be a drunk, so I dumped him, even though he hadn’t really seemed to understand he’d been dumped. Not even my being Marked and moving to the House of Night had made him understand we were through.

“I so don’t want my young lad to be a drunk.”

My. Young. Lad.

Is Zoey suddenly trying to be English? Sarcastic? Genuine? A purveyor of hip teen slang? I’ve never been so intrigued by one line in this book before. WHERE DID MATERIALISE FROM?

For about the zillionth time I wished I had someone I could talk to about all of my boy issues.Actually, counting Loren I should call them my boy-man issues.

No, you absolutely should not. “young lad” and “boy-man” issues are enough to strip away your rights to ever reference males ever again.

Zoey lays out her options, and realizes that she should keep dating Erik and thus needs to break up with Heath and REALLY needs to end things with Loren even though, “He. Was. A. Man. An adult vampyre, with all the power and wealth and position that came along with it. He knew stuff that I was only beginning to guess at. He made me feel like no one had ever made me feel before; he made me feel like a real woman.” If someone has to make you feel like an adult, then you should probably not be with that person. You could argue Zoey means he makes her feel womanly/feminine, but you’d be wrong. 

Zoey texts Heath that she needs to meet up with him, and he is pumped as fuck. Momentary panic sets in when Zoey realizes she doesn’t know where to meet Heath until she remembers Starbucks is the only place she ever goes off-campus.

Then it hit me and I knew the perfect place. I smiled and texted Heath back.

Starbucks in 1 hr

Her sneer deepened. “Look, I wasn’t being nice. I just didn’t want Stevie Rae foaming at the mouth and eating my parents’ help. As Mother says, dependable illegals are really hard to find.”

Ug, we get it, Aphrodite’s parents are terrible.

During today’s post, I will be calling Zoey “Zorgly”. Don’t ask me why. I just need this.

House of Night, Chosen: Chapter 17

Zorgly goes downstairs to find her friends preparing to watch Spider-Man 3 later, because we I guess we can never have enough reminders that Zorgly’s friends have embarrassingly awful taste.

Although maybe the reasons why Spider-Man 3 is universally considered the worst one help it out in vampyre world

But lo, Zorgly will not be able to watch Spider-Man 3 with her friends, because she has to meet Heath. Of course, the pressing thing on everyone’s mind right now is that they woke up to learn that one of their teachers was gruesomely murdered in a vicious hate crime. Maybe. It’s kind of hard to tell if they give a shit.

“I can’t believe it really happened,” Erin said.
“I know. It just doesn’t seem real,” Shaunee said.
“It’s real. She’s dead,” I said solemnly.

Oh my god, I love this. The twins both say basically the same sentence (classic Cast writing!) and Zorgly has the most accidentally hilariously blunt dialogue I’ve ever read since “In. Out. In. Out.” appeared in a sex scene in Fifty Shades of Grey.

Zorggy explains that she’s going to see Heath, and the twins summarize the Heath subplot like it’s the first chapter or something.

“Heath?” Shaunee looked utterly confused.
“Her human ex-boyfriend, Twin. Remember?” Erin supplied.
“Oh yeah, the blond hottie who almost got eaten by the vamp ghosts two months ago, and then almost got killed by that nasty street-person-turned-serial-killer last month,” Shaunee said.

You know who I love to talk with about how unnatural dialogue like this sounds like? Ariel, my friend I run this blog with who I went to college with after meeting at a writing workshop where she bought me Goldfish once and is now married and lives in London and has a job that has something to do with puppies. We love to talk about how nobody talks like this.

After reminding the reader themselves who boy #1 is, they ask Zortly what to tell boy #2. And, really, what is a name if not an opportunity to remind the reader what someone’s role is in the plot?

“Boyfriend?”
“Your boyfriend, Erik I’m-So-Damn-Fiiiine Night.”

Presumably the logical next step would be for the twins to blurt out Loren Blake’s name apropos of nothing, but instead the twins try to figure out how to solve their conundrum, because Erik asked them to let him know when Zargly’s up because he’s worried about her. Behold the beautiful way they solve their own problem:

“No doubt if he doesn’t hear from you pretty soon he’ll be camped out here,” Erin said. “Ooooh, Twin! […] Do you think boyfriend will bring along the two hotties?”
Shaunee tossed back her thick dark hair. “It’s a definite possibility, Twin. T. J. and Cole are friends of his and this is a very stressful time.”
“Right you are, Twin. And we all know that during stressful times friends should stick together.”
In perfect agreement the Twins turned to me. “Go ahead and go do whatever with ex-boyfriend,” Erin said.

This seems like an insanely contrived plan to meet romantic partners, and we’ve read Beautiful “I bet you won’t sleep in the same bed as me for a month!” Disaster.

Zorply leaves and goes outside, but immediately runs into new character Darius, one of the many vampyre warriors called in to protect the school. Darius says nothing interesting. Zoarply repeatedly describes how huge and muscular he is. Before I can even make a joke about how Zorplee’s probably going to hook up with him too, Zorggly does it for me.

How was I going to sneak out of there with warrior mountains (no matter how young and cute) all over the place? Not that it mattered how young and cute he was. Like I had time for another possible boyfriend?

Zortgly thankfully resumes focus on the more pressing issue.

the soft voice was in my head, telling me to think . . . be calm . . .  […]
I needed to be calm . . . be still . . . think and— And just like that it came to me. I knew what I had to do.

You know, you can just write “then I had another idea”. You don’t have to have all of your character’s thoughts occur by divine premonition.

Zargly makes herself invisible to sneak past the guards by using an “internal prayer turned spell turned magic”, which I guess was a super important distinction to make. She arrives at the tree near the wall where Aphrodite told her she tied a rope that could be used to climb back over. Zarkgly throws the rope over the wall, then… uses the power of wind to fly over the wall. What the fuck? Why bother with the rope at all then? Especially since the rope as a whole is such an obvious red flag that someone else will eventually use it to get into the school. WHY?

Zorlgly uses this as an opportunity to not be totally full of herself.

What was it Loren had said about me in the library? Something like me being a goddess among demigods. The way I looked right then made me think that he might be on to something.

This goes nowhere good fast.

Maybe Loren had been right about a lot of things— like about the two of us being star-crossed lovers.

Maybe after I told Heath I couldn’t see him again I should back away from Erik, too. […] I wasn’t heartless— I really did like him. But hadn’t Professor Nolan’s death proved that you never knew what could happen?

I want to make fun of this, but I’d honestly be so pumped to read a “I’m breaking up with you because our high school teacher died” conversation in this book.

Zorrrgg and Heath run into each other in the middle of town, and not at Starbucks. Heath explains that Zozgrgly’s ex-best friend from her pre-vampyre days is at Starbucks, because I guess even the characters who aren’t in this story only ever go to Starbucks too.

Even worse, because of the imprint, Zargles is immediately very aware of her attraction to Heath. Although the reader might remain less in tune with this.

He smelled like home – a sexy, yummy version of home

What the fuck kind of childhood did Zorglg have?

Zorgly decides they should go to the park, since that’s the next best public space she can think of to break up with Heath. But the chapter ends with Heath seducing her and Zorrrghgy about to suck his blood.

“You know if feels so damn good when you drink me, don’t you?”
Heath’s voice had gotten deep and husky, [and] I wanted to lean into him and get lost in him and sink my teeth into him and…

And the chapter ends there! Haha! Have fun reading Heath and Zoey’s breakup/makeout next week, Ariel! You know, my blogging partner that I started a blog about bad books with three years ago when we were in the UK because we both studied abroad there!

Grey: Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Grey takes an alarming turn and starts with a sex dream instead of a nightmare. It’s exactly the kind of shocking twist you’d expect from Grey this late in the game.

We’re fucking. Fucking hard. Against the bathroom door. She’s mine. I bury myself in her, again and again. Glorying in her: the feel of her, her smell, her taste. Fisting my hand in her hair, holding her in place. Holding her ass. Her legs wrapped around my waist. She cannot move; she’s pinioned by me. Wrapped around me like silk. Her hands pulling my hair. Oh yes. I’m home, she’s home. This is the place I want to be…inside her…

Can we all please just collectively agree to retire “bury” from our erotic vocabulary once and for all? I find it so repulsive in a sexual content. Burying yourself in your work? Fine, whatever. But a penis is not a small animal burying itself in a hole, okay? Ew. Just ew. It’s like how a moist vagina is gross to think about but a moist cake sounds on point.

I’m too focussed on “bury” to even worry about “glorying in her,” but I clocked it and I will be putting a vote to eliminate that next, okay?

She’s by the door. Her face white, shocked and sad, and she’s silently drifting away…The door has disappeared, and she won’t stop. She holds out her hands in entreaty. Join me, she whispers, but she’s moving backward, getting fainter…disappearing before my eyes…vanishing…she’s gone. No! I shout. No! But I have no voice. I have nothing. I’m mute. Mute…again.

I wake, confused.

The ghost of Anastasia’s love may have confused Christian, but she also gave him a wet dream to remember.

Hell! I’m a sticky mess. Briefly I feel that long-forgotten but familiar sense of fear and exhilaration—but Elena doesn’t own me now.

Jesus H. Christ, I’ve come for Team USA. This hasn’t happened to me since I was, what? Fifteen, sixteen?

Forget that Christian had a wet dream and that alone is hilarious (in fact Matthew was incredibly jealous that I had this in my chapter and he didn’t), what the fuck does coming for Team USA mean? I don’t for a second believe this is a response anyone would have to a wet dream no matter what their personality is. A hilarious jokester wouldn’t say it. A serious businessman wouldn’t say it. A confused man with amnesia wouldn’t say it. WHERE DID IT COME FROM?

I lie back in the darkness, disgusted with myself. I drag my T-shirt off and wipe myself down. There’s semen everywhere. I find myself smirking in the darkness, despite the dull ache of loss.

Ah, yes, the infamous smirk of post-wet dream disgust. I’m so disgusted by myself…but high five, bro. You bagged a hot chick in yo mind. 

We interrupt this hilarious, flawless scene to bring you another horrific nightmare from Christian! And then his morning run to try to forget the nightmare! Also, Christian is sad because Ana, so stalking.

Her building looks gloomy; it’s still in shadow, untouched by the early-morning sun. Fitting. It reflects my mood.

HER BUILDING IS NOT ABOUT YOU, CHRISTIAN. I bet you think this building’s about you, ’bout you don’t youuuuuu?

I hope to God that she’s sleeping alone up there. I envisage her curled up on her white iron bed, a small ball of Ana. Is she dreaming of me? Do I give her nightmares? Has she forgotten me?

Hasn’t it only been two days? If Ana were a goldfish or Drew Barrymore from 50 First Dates, this concern would be legitimate.

This is too much. Pulling my hood up and leaning against the granite wall, I’m hidden in the doorway of the building opposite. The awful thought crosses my mind that I might be standing here in a week, a month…a year? Watching, waiting, just to catch a glimpse of the girl who used to be mine. It’s painful. I’ve become what she’s always accused me of being—her stalker.

It counts as character development that Christian acknowledges that he is actually a stalker because my standards are increasingly low. It worries me that Super Busy Businessman Christian Grey is worried that in a year he’ll have nothing better to do than jog outside Ana’s building, comparing it to his emotional state.

A brief, weird scene where Mrs. Jones gives Christian and omelette he didn’t tell her to make. This is given the significance of something that is significant.

A brief, boring scene where Ros is concerned about Christian because he can’t focus on the biz. Shouldn’t she have been worried when he couldn’t focus on business for the entirety of the book? Also, a reminder that Christian is still going to buy SIP, the company Ana is working for. However, according to the laws of stalking, because he acknowledged he is a stalker, it’s cool that he’s doing this.

Christian talks to his therapist Flynn, who gives Christian an inspirational, therapeutic pep-talk about how he should try things Ana’s way. He tells Christian how amazing and special he is, which seems like a bit of a stretch.

Christ—all the firsts I experienced with her: the first girl I’d slept beside, the first virgin, the first to meet my family, the first to fly in Charlie Tango, the first I took soaring.

“The first virgin.” These are not the words of a special man.

Christian realizes what he’s realized repeatedly for the entire book. ANA IS SPECIAL AND HE MISSES HER.

If you realize this almost every chapter in a book, chances are we already know that this is the case.

“Do you want to be with her?”

Be with Ana? 

What…what a strange and new concept. Be…with…Ana…

“Yes,” I whisper.

A gut-wrenching and unexpected revelation for the ages.

Later, Christian stands on his balcony and vows to get Ana back, the moonlight as his witness!

Guys. Your prayers have been answered. Today is the day we put Grey out of its misery.

Grey: Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The last few chapters of Grey have kicked off with Christian having flashbacks leading up to his mother’s death, which represent the loneliness and suffering in his life without Ana or whatever. But you know what it really represents? The insane extent of E L James’s laziness. Because here’s this flashback in Grey:

Mommy is still asleep. Mommy, wake up! She lies still. She is cold. I fetch my blankie and I cover Mommy and I lie down on the sticky green rug beside her. My tummy hurts. It is hungry, but Mommy is still asleep. I have two toy cars. One red. One yellow. My green car is gone. They race by the floor where Mommy is sleeping. I think Mommy is sick.

And here is this flashback – I shit you not – as it appears in Fifty Shades Freed:

Mommy is still asleep. Mommy wake up! She lies still. She is cold. I fetch my blankie, and I cover Mommy, and I lie down on the sticky green rug beside her. Mommy is still asleep. I have two toy cars. They race by the floor where Mommy is sleeping. I think Mommy is sick.

That’s it. That is all that is different. This is the “as told by Christian Grey” it took E L James three years to write. The exact same scenes, but with some added details about Christian being hungry and about the color of his toy cars. Except in the original Fifty Shades Freed, “My tummy hurts. It is hungry.” was actually a few sentences before the portion where it is now, so not even that.

This is seriously a book that E L James published and charged money for and got a bazillion people to pay for. I get that the dialogue has to be the same in a parallel novel, but entire passages of prose? I honestly don’t know if it’s better or worse that she even made the slight changes that she did do to this copy/paste job.

This gif doesn’t have anything to do with a joke I’m making now, but I used it in the post about this passage that I wrote almost 3 years ago, and apparently you’re allowed to recycle whatever the fuck you want now.

Anyway, Christian wakes up from his nightmare and reminds us that this is all Ana’s fault somehow.

I used to have my nightmares under control. Maybe one every couple of weeks, but nothing like this— night after night.
Since she left.

I don’t even feel guilty about overusing this gif anymore.

E L James continues her copy/paste job of a novel by having Christian recap the plot for us, as he has been doing during the duration of the plot:

“Have you thought about trying a relationship her way?”
She wants hearts and flowers. Can I give her that?

I DUNNO, MAN. You’ve only spent the whole fucking book asking yourself! You make a “hearts and flowers” jab ten times over the course of this book! You can’t write a book by only ever talking about what the book’s about!

Although speaking of “what the book’s about”, it gets way sadder when E L James tries to convince us at the eleventh hour that Ana has actually had a real emotional impact on Christian “Can I give her that?” Grey:

I frown, trying to recall the romantic moments in my life… And there’s nothing… except with Ana. The “more.” The gliding, and IHOP, and taking her up in Charlie Tango.

If you’re listing the reasons why you and someone else had something meaningful and by your second example you’re stuck with fucking IHOP, there is not a jury in the world that would think this was a meaningful relationship.

Maybe I can do this. [I repeat] the mantra in my head: She’s mine. She’s mine.

Whereas a jury would think this man is 100% going to murder said woman.

Christian wakes up early in the morning “to check on Ana” and goes on a run to her apartment, where he “keep[s] a silent vigil from my stalker’s hide, staring up at the windows and thinking”. Later on, “In the back on my Audi, I plot”. Jesus Christ, you guys, I’ve seen episodes of Law & Order: SVU that have had happier endings than this.

E L James writes a short dialogue between Christian and Mrs. Jones where she flips out because Christian ate a goddamn croissant, and Christian perplexedly wonders “If it makes her that happy, I should have them more often.” Whoop de motherfucking do, E L James. You wrote a bullshit comic relief scene that actually demonstrated that Christian is more willing to eat a croissant to make someone happy for utterly bullshit reasons than he is to leave a woman alone because she repeatedly, explicitly asked him to. HAHAHAHA.

It’s funny because he’s wrong. Indeed it is.

That day at work, Christian’s secretary reminds him that he has Jose’s event that he and Ana had planned to go to tomorrow. He suddenly realizes that “the photographer!” is “my in!”. He emails Ana about scheduling plans to go together, and freaks out when she hasn’t responded in a whole four minutes! That’s love, you guys. If your beloved takes longer than four minutes to email you back, I’m sorry, but that love is bullshit. Eventually they organize plans to go together, deftly avoiding any conversation about how awkward things are between the two of them.

Not that that has ever served as an impediment to this franchise existing anyway.

Much more importantly, this bullshit happens:

Olivia sets a plate down on my desk.
“Your sandwich, Mr. Grey.”
“Chicken and mayonnaise?”
“Um…”
I stare at her. She just doesn’t get it.
Olivia offers an inept apology.
“I said chicken with mayonnaise, Olivia. It’s not that hard.”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Grey.”
“It’s fine. Just go.”
She looks relieved but scrambles to leave the room.
I buzz Andrea. […] “Get rid of that girl.”

This is seriously a subplot that was added to add some content to Grey: Christian has an annoying assistant, he thinks about having her transferred throughout the entire book, and then he does when one day she brings him the wrong sandwich. That’s it. That’s seriously the whole thing.

To clarify, he does not fire her. But the book doesn’t specify that that’s what “get rid of her” meant for a good six pages, so I spent a solid five minutes thinking this book actually ended with Christian Grey firing someone for bringing him the wrong sandwich.

I’m working on a “white bread” joke.

Also notable is that Andrea protests that “Olivia is Senator Blandino’s daughter”. Close enough, you guys. I’m calling it. Ariel and I have willed an honest-to-god, canonical Blando into one of these books.

But back to Christian’s success that Ana has agreed to go with him to Jose’s event. Here’s E L James trying desperately to write her most flowery prose:

My campaign to win her back is under way. I feel elated; the small blossom of hope is now a Japanese flowering cherry.

Get it? Cuz there’s a flowe- look I want this book to be over just as badly as you do.

Christian – who is totally not interfering with Ana’s professional life, good heavens, he would never do such a thing – asks his HR department to pull information on Ana’s new boss, Jack Hyde. This affords us an opportunity to 1) remember that “Jack Hyde” is the actual fucking name of the villain in this series, and 2) for Ros, arguably the most significant new character introduced in Grey, to still never do anything than complain to Christian Grey about what a bad businessman he’s being, but then just sigh and be fairly content with it.

“I want everything they have on Jack Hyde, and anyone who’s worked for him.”
“Can I ask why?”
“No.” She’s silent for a moment.
“Christian, I don’t know what’s got into you recently.”
“Ros, just do it, okay?”
She sighs. “Okay. Now can we have our meeting about the Taiwan shipyard proposal?”

There is one new character that has been introduced to the story in Grey. Her role is apparently to dish out shit at Christian Grey, which he will be completely unfazed by. I feel like there’s a very unsubtle metaphor in there.

After work, Christian moves onto phase 2 of his plan: emotionally manipulate the shit out of Ana buy Ana an iPad.

I’m going to buy Ana an iPad. Leaning back in my seat, I close my eyes and contemplate which apps and songs I’m going to download and install for her.

Jesus Christ, how many pages are left of this book?

Christian gets “Anastasia – this is for you. I know what you want to hear. This music on here says it for me. Christian” engraved on the iPad, because I know when I have a $400 electronic device I’m likely to use on a daily basis, I want it permanently engraved with a lengthy reminder of a time I got into a fight with someone for three days.

Do I dare to hope?
Damn it. Yes, I do.

This is undoubtedly at the bottom of the list of questions I had about this story.

Grey: Thursday, June 9, 2011

The book ends with a short chapter composed mostly of a dream sequence. First it’s a flashback to when child Christian met his adoptive family, then to when he first discovered the piano (and explicitly says “I like the noise”, because why not end by contradicting earlier statements that he only learned piano to please his adoptive parents). He gets a lesson from his piano teacher, who by the end of the dream has turned into Ana. They say that they love each other. It is unclear whether he is still a child at this point in the flashback.

If you’re in the 98% of readers who don’t get this joke, just know that the other 2% laughed, then immediately started crying.

He wakes up, declares “Today, I win her back”, and that’s it! Guess we have to wait for E L James to repackage the other two books before we know how this story ends again!