House of Night, Chosen: Chapter 18

Zoey and Heath continue to discuss what he remembers of the night Zoey rescued him. Matt and I had a long discussion about how Heath just sounds like such a fucking idiot. We’re told he’s a bad boy, but he comes across as this very innocent shmuck. Like a toddler stoner who was written by Adam Sandler.

“Oh, yeah.” He grinned his cute, bad-boy smile. “I really don’t remember much, that’s why I was asking you about it. Just teeth and claws and eyes and such, and then you. It’s all kinda like a bad dream. Well, except for the part about you. That part’s cool. Hey, Z, did you rescue me?”

Translation: Derp. Derp-de-dee-derp derp, and such, Z.

Just picture Heath as Billy Madison from now on. You’re welcome.

I chewed my lip while my mind raced. He didn’t remember hardly anything about Stevie Rae and her pack of undead dead thingies. Neferet’s mind block was obviously still firmly in place with him. And, I suddenly realized, it needed to stay that way. The less Heath knew about what had happened,the less chance that Neferet would give him a second thought and what would amount to a third mindscrewing, which couldn’t be good for him. Plus, the kid needed to get on with his life. His human life. And stop obsessing about me and vamp stuff.

Is the implication here that Neferet’s mind meddling is partly to blame for Heath’s stupidity? I honestly can’t remember if he’s being written any differently than before, but yeah, it sounds like a third mind meddle would make him dumber than Billy fucking Madison.

Smooth as ever, Zoey weaves a beautiful tale:

“There wasn’t much more than the papers said. I dunno who the guy was, just some crazed streetperson.”

THE PREFERRED TERM IS STREET RAT, Z.

Zoey and Heath go to sit on a nearby bench. In a very public area. That is still, I repeat, public despite being under a “big tree.” Try as she might, Zoey can’t seem to break up with Heath because he is so. Fucking. Stupid. Like unbelievably so.

“Heath, you and I can’t see each other again.”

His forehead wrinkled. He looked like he was trying to figure out a complex math word problem.“Why would you say something like that, Zo? Of course we can see each other again.”

Did anyone else think he was about to be like, “Of course we can see each other again. We’re not blind.”? I really thought that’s where this was headed. Also, why did Zoey need to specify that it wasn’t just a math problem but a “math word problem” as though it makes Heath seem like slightly less of a doofus.

Suddenly it becomes canon that Zoey and Heath have been in love forever and always (footage not found.)

“I won’t forget about you. Not even after I’m dead. And this is normal for me. Loving you is my normal.”

“You don’t love me. You’re just Imprinted with me,” I said.

“Bullshit!” he shouted. “Don’t tell me I don’t love you. I’ve loved you since I was nine years old.This Imprint thing is just another part of what’s been going on between us since we were kids.”

[…]

He was right about so much. [Ariel says: WAS HE RIGHT? Like in what sense of the word?] It had been the two of us for so long—and if I hadn’t been Marked, we probably would have gone to college together and then gotten married after we graduated. We would have had kids and lived in the suburbs and gotten a dog. We would have had fights once in a while, mostly over him being too obsessed with sports, and then we would have made up when he brought me flowers and teddy bears, like he’d been doing since we were teenagers.

I’ve never had the slightest inclination that this was how Zoey saw her life going if she hadn’t been marked. This isn’t Boy Meets World, you don’t get to just rewrite the past and use black magic on us to be like, “These two have been in love since they were babies! Even though when we first started the show this wasn’t the case at all.”

Zoey tells Heath she has a real boyfriend now, but this doesn’t deter him.

“If I have to share you, I will.” His voice had dropped almost to a whisper, and he looked away from me like he was too embarrassed to meet my eyes. “I’ll do whatever it takes not to lose you.”

It made something inside me break, but I laughed at Heath. “Listen to you! You sound pathetic. Do you know what vampyre men are like?”

“No.” His voice had gotten stronger and he met my eyes again. “No, I don’t know what they’re like. I’m sure they can do all sorts of cool stuff. They’re probably big and bad and all that. But I know one thing they can’t do that I can. They can’t do this.”

One thing before I tell you what Heath has done: I thought there were droves of famous vampyre men? Wouldn’t Heath have a pretty good idea of what they do and what they look like? This scene makes me want a male vampyre to come out and start juggling for Heath because I feel like it would blow his mind.

Right. Okay. So Heath pulls out a razor and slashes his neck to drive the ladies wild. Zoey explains that vampyre science dictates that Heath is basically like an unmilked cow right now, and if she doesn’t drink from him, it’ll actually cause him pain.

Zoey climbs on top of Heath – remember, still in a public place – and starts humping him/drinking his blood.

“Yeah, bitch! Ride him! Make him hurt so gooood!”

“That little white boy don’t have nothin’ for you. I’ll give ya somethin’ you can really feel!”

Heath’s grip on my hips changed and he was in the middle of trying to turn my body away from the jeering voices so he could shield me, but the anger that spiked through me was blinding. My fury was impossible to ignore and my response was immediate. I lifted my face from his neck. Two black guys were just a few feet away and getting closer to us. They were wearing the stereotypical ridiculous sagging pants and stupid, oversized down coats and when I bared my teeth at them and hissed, their expressions changed from sneers to shocked disbelief.

My general feeling is that if something makes me feel this uncomfortable and angry, it is pretty fucking racist. What on Earth did it achieve or add to the scene to write that paragraph? I believe 100% that there are gross dudes out there that say gross things. I encounter them a lot! But 1) Zoey and Heath were being REALLY FUCKING GROSS IN A PUBLIC SPACE AND HAVE NO MORAL HIGH GROUND HERE 2) You can write a gross dude without being so lazy you have to explicitly fall back on stereotypes. 3) It feels like the Casts are like, “LOOK. These guys are terrible. Just imagine this specific stereotype and don’t think too deeply about this at all! Relax, we’ve got this.” No, fuck you, Casts.

“Get away from us or I will kill you.” I snarled at them in a voice so powerful I didn’t recognize it as my own.

“She’s a fucking bloodsucker bitch!” the shorter of the two said.

The other guy snorted. “Nah, bitch got no tattoo. But if she wants somethin’ to suck, I’ll give it to her.”

“Yeah, first you and then me. Her little punk boyfriend can watch and see how it’s done.” With a mean laugh, they started walking toward us again.

[…]

“Wind come to me,” I commanded. My hair began lifting in the breeze that swirled restlessly around me. “Blow them the hell outta here!” I flung my hands out toward the two men, letting my anger explode with my words. The wind obeyed instantly, crashing into them with such force that they were swept, yelling and cussing, off their feet and hurled away from me. I watched with a kind of detached fascination as the wind dropped the two men down in the middle of Twenty-first Street.

I didn’t even flinch when the truck hit them.

We’ve been talking a lot about what happens when police officers kill unarmed black men, but we’re not talking enough about what happens when unlikable vampyre idiots kill unarmed black men with the power of wind and bad puns. I don’t mean this to sound flippant, I’m genuinely alarmed and pissed off by this. It might be fiction, but representation is still important. Even though I don’t like to use the word “important” in regards to House of Night. 

You guys, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read this scene. This unbelievable scene that was gifted to me by Nyx herself. It’s not every day bloggers who specifically write about bad books chapter by chapter get this kind of scene that is so fucking awful you just gape. It’s so funny you can barely laugh. SHE BLOWS THEM WITH THE POWER OF WIND INTO A ROAD AND A FUCKING TRUCK JUST LIKE HITS THEM.

And then. I shit you not. Heath lectures Zoey on how that was mean and she should be nice. She probably just killed two guys, and Heath is like, “That was mean!”

“You’re changing, Zoey. And I’m not sure what you’re changing into.”

My eyes filled with tears. “I’m becoming a vampyre, Heath. That’s what I’m Changing into.”

He touched my cheek, and then he used his thumb to wipe away the rest of the concealer so that my Mark was completely visible. Heath bent to kiss the crescent moon in the middle of my forehead. “I’m okay with you being a vampyre, Zo. But I want you to remember that you’re still Zoey, too. My Zoey. And my Zoey isn’t mean.”

I feel like “mean” should be swapped out for “murderous psycho.” I get that these two dudes were advancing on them with the implication that they would do something nefarious? But Zoey and Heath were in literally no danger whatsoever. They should have been embarrassed that they were humping and blood sucking on a park bench and just fucked off elsewhere in the park. Like maybe punching one of the guys if the situation escalated more, but using wind for such mean purposes! I mean, I never.

Heath reminds Zoey that they were never in any danger and that “You shouldn’t be mean, Zo. No matter what.” I don’t think Heath quite understands what qualifies as being mean, but I suppose those are fine words to live by.

Zoey can’t breakup with Heath, and they part ways declaring their love and agreeing to meet up in the near future.  I can’t see this coming to bite Zoey in the ass at all!

We have literally no idea if those guys lived or died, but at least two teenagers can continue to love and hump without fear of persecution.

Heath also kind of reminds me of Fry from Futurama. I love Fry, though, so I didn’t want to go down that route. How would you describe Heath? Is there anyone else he reminds you of?

And, oh, is it a thing to see.

Chapter 19

Zoey begins by summarizing the previous chapter, which is such a frequent happening in House of Night that I kind of wonder if you could read one of these books just by reading the first paragraph of each chapter.

Yep, I was seriously messed up. Not only had I not broken up with Heath, but I had probably made our Imprint even stronger. Plus, I may have caused two men to be killed. […] I’d been drinking Heath’s blood and having a horny old good time (jeesh, I was becoming such a ho-bag)

Can we all pause for a second and appreciate the phrase “horny old good time”? Use it in an email today!

Did vamps freak when the human they’d Imprinted was threatened? […] I was starting to see that there was lots of stuff the oh-so-educational textbook had left out. What I needed was an adult vamp. Fortunately, I knew one I was sure would be very happy to volunteer to be my teacher.
I’m sure there were lots of things he’d be ever so pleased to teach me.

Guys, I’m running out of things to say about how unsettling the whole Zoey-Loren thing is. And just in case this is the first time you’ve ever read this blog and you’re not sure what this is, I don’t mean unsettling like a Steven King book, but unsettling like Dr. Seuss writing a Steven King book in the style of Dr. Seuss.

Heeeeere’s Johnny!

Zoey continues to explain her boy problems, as though they have been particularly unclear:

There was no denying that Loren and I had a thing. It was different than the thing Heath and I had, and even different than the thing Erik and I had. Crap. I had too many things going on in my life.

If you swap out the word “life” for “plot”, it still works!

Zoey resumes her journey to Aphrodite’s parents’ house to deliver blood to undead Stevie Rae, traveling in a “horny, power-filled, yet confused haze”. I don’t even have jokes about Horny Zoey. She’s my new favorite character.

Stevie Rae snatched the canvas bag I was dangling in her direction. “[You shouldn’t] sneak up on me. It could be dangerous.”
I sighed and sat on the couch […] “If you ate me the way my life sucks right now, you’d be doing me a favor.”

Even when the Casts want to call Zoey out on her shit, they struggle with doing so coherently:

“Yeah, I’ll bet.” [Stevie Rae said.] “Real awful, unlike the stress of being dead and then undead but still feeling mostly dead.”

How was being dead stressful?

Zoey fills Stevie Rae in on the plot (again!), which contains more useful examples for how not to tell stories. First, the Casts’ recap jumps to conclusions that the original occurrence didn’t really develop:

“Professor Nola was killed last night. It looks like some of the People of Faith crucified her […] I think that my step-loser might be involved, but I can’t say anything about it because my mom is covering for him”

How exactly does Zoey already know that she’s covering for him, as opposed to, say, she just doesn’t know? Although this probably isn’t as bad as example #2, which is the ever important “don’t be racist” example:

“I just sucked Heath’s blood and got interrupted by some gang wannabes”

Remember how earlier this month there was that scandal where the current writer of the James Bond novels said that Idris Elba was “too street” to be James Bond, and the world immediately went, “Yeah, we know that you mean something else”? Or all that conversation earlier this year about the media’s usage of the word “thugs” when reporting on protesters sounded like some other word was meant? Same kind of thing applies here.

Zoey tells Stevie Rae that she might have killed some people, and also that she and Loren have been making out. Stevie Rae asks Zoey about making out with Loren.

The manslaughter that might have happened is never mentioned again.

“I think we might really have something together.”
“Just like Romeo and Juliet,” she said between swallows.
“Uh, Stevie Rae, let’s use a different analogy, shall we? R& J didn’t end so well.”

“Whereas my thing where I’m an underage high school student making out with my teacher who is also a national figure will probably go pretty ok.”

Zoey explains that it might be hard to get blood to Stevie Rae with the heightened security. Stevie Rae freaks out, because she knows she’s in really bad shape and explains that she can feel her remaining humanity slipping away. Zoey comforts her in the only way Zoey knows how:

“You’re better. I’m here now.”

Essentially Zoey’s problem solving approach.

Zoey continues to assure Stevie Rae, who lives in fear of her unyielding slide into madness, that everything will work out, because Zoey will always be her BFF.

“Your humanity is still there, inside you. Yeah, it might be getting buried, but it’s still there. And that means we’re still best friends.”

I dunno, man. Forcibly being a feral, mindless beast for all eternity is kinda sounding like a better option than forcibly being Zoey’s friend for all eternity.

Stevie Rae is somehow not swayed by Zoey’s assurances that she’s going to be fine because Zoey, and asks her, no, really, how are you really going to help?

It’s the one it always is.

“I’m going to cast a circle and ask for Nyx’s help.”

Zoey is confident in a plan that will work because the gods/because Zoey.

Stevie Rae blinked. “That’s it?”
“Well, our circle is powerful and Nyx is a goddess. What more do we need?”

I feel like that question was rhetorical, but I have so many goddamn notes about this by this point.

25 years and one day ago, Matthew was born into this chaotic world. A world led astray by books like Fifty Shades of Grey and Bared to You. A prophecy foretold that someday Matthew would try to make sense of this crazy world and blog about bad books because nothing important can ever happen without a prophecy being involved. We honour this special occasion with two days off the blog AS THE PROPHECY FORETOLD.  You can’t argue with this shit, guys.

We’ll return Thursday/Friday with our regularly scheduled programming, which mainly consists of Zoey Redbird being a fucking moron and/or leading a ritual for Nyx knows what reason.

(MATTHEW, YOU ARE 25 RIGHT? )

Las month, there was a lot of buzz around this absolute turd-nugget of an article about why you (a heterosexual woman, specifically) have not found love. Of course, I intended to write about this at the height of its popularity, but getting things done in a timely fashion is hard and oppressive like Christian Grey’s penis. Spoiler, you can’t find love because “You Don’t Need a Man, You Need a Goddamn Warrior.” That’s not just a direct quote it’s the goddamn warrior title. 

If you are not a heterosexual woman, I’d like you to take a second to close your eyes and open your mind. Buckle up, because you’re about to read some inspirational nonsense that simultaneously appeals to your inner individualist while being adopted enthusiastically by hoards of women on Facebook and Twitter.

You are the strength of Turkish coffee at sunrise darlin’ and don’t try to pretend that you’re not.

You are one of the wild ones, and no matter how you tried to hide that fact, you can’t be anything other than what you are—and that’s okay. You are just as you are supposed to be, magnificently wild in all of your chaotic beauty.

This is just nonsense! Define “wild” – because I can think of very few people that I would consider “wild”. If this is directed at any woman reading the article, then who aren’t the wild ones? Maybe the point of this is just that literally any behaviour can be considered wild if you’re trying to dole out crappy inspirational advice about romance. You go out partying sometimes? WILD. You watch Netflix in bed with nachos and don’t care about getting crumbs in the bed? WILD.

I know you’ve had your heart broken and I know that you don’t understand why it always seems to never work out, but I’ve finally figured it out:

You don’t need a man, you need a goddamn warrior.

Fact: You are still deserving of love even if you are not “one of the wild ones.” You might be one of the borings ones and will still probably encounter heartbreak and romantic problems in your life.

Also, have we considered what if the dude is the wild one, and he doesn’t need a woman, he needs a goddamned warrior. THEN HOW DOES THIS WORK?

It doesn’t matter if this warrior drives a Jeep or a shiny sports car, and it won’t matter if he wears silk or cotton—it will not even matter if he works in a high-rise, or on the night shift.

I didn’t care about the care, but the night shift you say? What kind of outrageous poppycock is this!

What is going to matter is that when it comes to taking bets on your heart, he is going to be high stakes—all the way.

It doesn’t matter if he likes his eggs scrambled or over-easy. What matters is that he’s going to want to be part of the relationship! And give a shit about your feelings! Woah. I’d never considered a great relationship from that angle before.

This warrior of yours will crave your strength, and your intensity. He’s going to look at you and not see something to tame, but something to just fuckin’ admire. This warrior of yours won’t be someone that you can manipulate or play with as you have in the past, so honey, don’t even try—and trust me, you’re going to love him even more because of it.

Because you aren’t just a woman, you’re a goddamn goddess.

“This warrior of yours won’t be someone that you can manipulate or play with as you have in the past.” I…what? So now we’re finding out that actually “you” are a total dick in addition to being a goddamn goddess? So you don’t have to maybe stop the terrible behaviour and emotional manipulation because you are a goddess, and if you find the right guy he will just ignore anything shitty you do and just be like, “Damn girl. I can’t, nay, I won’t tame you. Your manipulations cannot penetrate my warrior heart.” Checks out.

This is the thing, free spirit, this warrior you seek….he’s seeking you too.

For he’s had failed relationships that have left him wondering if maybe he was meant to be alone for the rest of his journey—and you’re going to change all of that for him. You both have been travelling along on your separate journeys and have been doing an okay job at it, but that about to change too.

Yes, two people who eventually fall in love with each other will have both experienced heartbreak at some point. (Also “that about to change too” is directly lifted from the article, not a typo on my part.)

Things devolve into even more ridiculous ramblings:

This warrior of yours needs to see that it’s possible for someone to see all of his wild, and still be there when he craves his freedom and ventures off into this world for a bit. You won’t always need to follow him, just as he won’t always follow you. Let yourself stay wild, even when all you want to do is curl up in that spot along his side and forget the rest of the world exists.

Translation: Let him go drink with his bros. Sportsball! Beer! TITTIES!

Let yourself still wander naked under the full moon, and drink moonshine with the stars. Let yourself feel the pull of the wind on your heart, and the sun toward a new journey. Because this warrior is going to love you because of your wild—and he’ll want you to keep it.

Obviously this can’t be meant literally, so what the fuck IS it a metaphor for? I’m concerned armies of stupid idiots are going to suddenly take this advice at face value and start wandering around naked in the full moon. WHO WILL WE HAVE TO BLAME BUT OURSELVES!

So pack up your insecurities and your ideas about picket fences, because that was never you anyway. You were born knowing that you were destined for more, and now is the time for you to see what all those dreams look like.

Not everyone is “destined for more” and that’s OK. Again, I think like with the very loose definition of wild being used in this article, we’re meant to be able to applying “destined for more” to any given situation. Like it could either apply to epic romantic journeys and walking through fire OR binge-watching House of Cards together. I’m not really sure, but I do know if we were all destined for great things, whatever they may be, then these things would just become average. You’re destined for more than a picket fence, you’re destined for double-glazed windows too.

There is no stopping a love like this, so promise me you’ll hold out just a little bit longer.

Have a little bit of hope, and always give love just one more try, because I promise you my sweet wild woman—the love that you seek is seeking you as well.

To be fair, I do like the end of this. I agree you should keep giving love a try even if you get hurt because otherwise you might miss out on something awesome. The idea just has a bad paint job with this wild woman/warrior nonsense. At some point we need to just admit that we’re putting a new “spin” on the same exact idea – LOVE IS HARD TO FIND BUT KEEP TRYING BECAUSE IT’S HARD FOR EVERYONE. Also we need to stop telling everyone they’re perfect just the way they are, because if this article is onto something and the target audience keeps manipulating men and playing games…maybe they should work on that?

House of Night, Chosen: Chapter 20

Zoey “floats” her way back over the fence, and before she can stop musing about how cool this is (it really isn’t), she is immediately caught by Neferet and a bunch of other people including Zoey’s BFFs.

“Now is not the time to wander about by yourself.”

“Sorry. I, uh, I needed …” I trailed off, majorly aware that all eyes were on me.

“She needed to be alone before the rituals,” Shaunee said, stepping up to put an arm through mine.

“Yeah, she always needs to be alone before rituals. It’s a Zoey thing,” Erin said, moving to my other side and taking my other arm.

“Yep, we call it Z.A.T.—Zoey Alone Time,” Damien said, joining the three of us.

“It’s kinda annoying, but what can you do?” Erik said, moving around behind me to rest his warm hands on my shoulders. “That’s our Z.”

Yes, nothing is more convincing of a person’s innocence than when their friends say contrived things and then crowd together around said person. Totally normal!

I had to struggle not to burst into tears. My friends were the best. Of course, Neferet probably knew they were lying, but they’d done it in a way that made it look like I was probably only up to little teenage mischief (i.e., sneaking out to break up with a boyfriend) versus big, scary mischief (i.e.,hiding my undead dead best friend).

What would it have looked like if they’d made it seem like she was up to “scary mischief”? Would it have been slightly less choreographed? Would Erik not have placed his warm hands on her shoulders?

Neferet, not in the mood to bother arguing with the merry band of idiots, says it’s time to start the ritual. What other time even exists at the House of Night? En route to the ritual (it’s unclear why they were all standing around the fence rather than meeting at the designated ritual location), Erik asks Zoey how breaking up with Heath went. GASP THE TWINS REVEALED ZOEY’S SECRET DOINGS. I don’t even care about spoilers, by the end of this book, the twins are furious with Zoey for keeping secrets from them, but clearly these dopes can’t be trusted with any secrets! Whether or not you think the secret of Zoey going to break things off with Heath is thrilling or only slightly more interesting than ground turkey, the twins could not keep this secret so they have no leg to stand on when being annoyed with Zoey for keeping anything from them.

Oh man, but Erik must have had some sly trick up his sleeve to coax the truth out of such loyal friends with compelling personalities like the twins! Nope. He just brought over his two hot friends, and they apparently immediately turned to Erik and told him exactly where Zoey was. To friendship and loyalty! Which are worth less than the presence of hot guys.

“And not very tough to manage. T. J. and Cole think the Twins are dead sexy,” Erik said, using an excellent Scottish accent and proving, again, what an old movie dork he was (hello—Austin Powers).

“T. J. and Cole called the Twins dead sexy in that awful accent?”He squeezed my hand playfully. “My accent isn’t awful.”

“You’re right. It’s not.” I smiled up into his clear blue eyes and wondered how I could have gotten myself into a position where I was double cheating on him.

Oh my god I hate Erik so much.

Right on cue, Loren shows up to be smarmy as ever, and even the twins notice the tension between Erik and Loren.

When I heard Shaunee’s whispered, “Damn, girl!” andErin’s “Um-hum!” I had to force myself not to groan.

You and me both, dude.

The rest of the chapter is just Neferet performing a ritual/funeral for the dead professor. For some reason Zoey finds it really important to give us a detailed narration as Neferet has the fledglings stand-in for each element.

“I know it is unusual to use fledglings in an adult ritual, but never before has a House of Night been gifted with so many extraordinary young people at one time, and today I believe it is only right that I tap into your affinities to add power to what we ask of Nyx.”

I swear the night air rippled all around us, and for a moment I could actually see something settle
on the walls of the school, like a black, gauzy curtain. She’s set a spell that will not just tell her whendanger enters the school, but when anyone enters or leaves it. I had to bite the inside of my cheek tokeep from groaning. No way was the curtain of a goddess going to be fooled by my little Bram Stoker-ing. How in the hell was I going to sneak Stevie Rae her blood?

So does anyone know why this book is called “Chosen” yet? Does anyone know if a single decision has even been made yet?

House of Night: Chosen Chapter 21

After Neferet cast a circle in the last chapter, this chapter sees Zoey… casting a circle.

Don’t worry. I know this joke is too obvious.

Zoey tries to assure the reader herself that this won’t take too long.

I was trying to convince myself that this ritual was going to be a snap. I’d just cast a quick circle, offer up prayers for Professor Nolan, announce that Aphrodite was rejoining the Dark Daughters [and] that because of the stress that the school has been dealing with I’ve decided not to Tap any new Prefect Council members till the end of the school year.

Not that I’m an expert on crisis management or anything (which I shouldn’t really have to point out, as the guy who writes for that Fifty Shades blog with the dick jokes), but somehow I feel like maybe tapping new members for the Council could be exactly what the school needs right now? How exactly would recognizing excellence in a community struggling with horrible grief be a bad thing as that community tries to recover and move on? Zoey’s cheating on like three guys right now, and I’m mostly mad at her for using an unspeakable tragedy to cover up procrastinating about picking some fucking prefects.

It really should be an easy ritual, I told my knotted stomach over and over again. Nothing like last month when Stevie Rae died. Nothing that bad could happen tonight.

So the Casts could only have written that to make us expect something bad, right? So we’re supposed to be… tense? That someone might die at the end of the chapter? Cool. I’m pretty pumped to not be surprised by that later.

Zoey and Aphrodite meet up before the circle to discuss the Stevie Rae situation, where Aphrodite points out exactly what we’ve been wondering for the whole damn book:

“I don’t know what the hell you think we’re gonna do,” Aphrodite […] paused and lowered her voice even more. “Plus, I don’t know what you expect to do.”

And then Aphrodite points out exactly what we’ve been wondering if Zoey’s ever going to do for the whole damn book:

“Whatever. Then heal her.”
“Okay, it’s so not that simple.”
“How do you know? Have you tried?”

But wait! We’re not even at PEAK BULLSHIT yet! Because after the antihero asks the hero why she hasn’t just tried doing the thing she’s spent 3/4 of the book talking about needing to do, apparently this was the answer all along???

And I stopped totally dead in my tracks. “What did you just say?”
Aphrodite raised an eyebrow at me, shrugged, and looked utterly bored. “Something like, have you tried?”
“Holy crap! Could it be that easy?”

Guys, I had to reread this dialogue like five times before I finally accepted that Zoey’s not being sarcastic. This is a genuine House of Night-caliber revelation right here: try doing the thing you say you’re gonna do.

“Maybe all I needed to do is just ask Nyx to heal her.”

Maybe all the Casts needed to do was write a second draft of this book.

They go their separate ways to the Dark Daughters ritual. But we have unfinished business here. We have some good fun with fawning over Aphrodite for being the only character in this book with a hint of sense about the inanity that’s going on it it, but let’s not forget that she’s still a character in House of Night and isn’t actually a remotely enjoyable character to read for more than a sentence or two.

[Aphrodite] shot me a curled lip look and said in her stuck-up, rich-girl’s voice, “And no, no one has ever told me it’s rude to keep people waiting. I was raised to keep people waiting. As far as my mother’s concerned, the sun waits for her before it rises and sets.”
I rolled my eyes.

Man, even Zoey’s rolling her eyes at the over-the-top characterization in this book. That’s when you know shit’s gotten bad.

When Aphrodite arrives to take her place in the circle, the other students at the school stop still, so Loren encourages Zoey to quickly begin the ceremony. If only she did, then we could avoid these two interacting further.

“And she’s supposed to be here?” Loren jerked his chin in the direction of Aphrodite.
“Sadly, yes,” I said.
“This should be interesting.”
“That’s me and my life— interesting. As in a isn’t-that-car-wreck-interesting kind of a way.”

You know how most other stories about teenagers have characters who feel overwhelmingly like this? Zoey could use some of that.

Zoey begins the ceremony, showing off her new invisibility powers, which seems like a great idea in front of your enemies who do not know you have invisibility powers. As for the circle itself, you might be asking yourself, dang, after three books and a kajillion zillion circles, how could the Casts possibly keep these things interesting? What if… Zoey improvised the order in which she spoke or lit the candles????

Deciding to go with the special sense of priestess magic I was feeling, I began the invocation without lifting the lighter.

What? Not doing it for you? Madness! What if… ok, that’s about it. There is nothing new to see here. Even when Zoey lights Aphrodite’s earth candle and announces “Yes, Aphrodite has earth powers now”, there is somehow nothing new about any of this. But there’s some pretty great shit if you suppress the instinct to skim Zoey’s poetry:

“Sight of the cat
Hearing of the dolphin
Speed of the snake
Mystery of the phoenix

I’m just gonna say what we’re all thinking: House of Night would have been a thousand times better if it were all poetry.

And then Erik starts dying. See you next week to see if he’s dead or not!

Today marks our return to the wonderful world of Sweet Valley High and the Wakefield twins, Jessica and Elizabeth. Jessica is a gorgeous sociopath who thrives off causing problems ranging from light mischief to outright criminal activity. Elizabeth is super nice and thus often bears the brunt of Jessica’s manipulative behaviour. Like the time Jessica got caught for underage drinking and was like, “I’M ACTUALLY ELIZABETH,” and then slandered Elizabeth’s name across the halls of Sweet Valley High! And the time when Jessica stole Elizabeth’s crush! Fear not, though, Jessica got thrown in a pool at the end of the last book due to mistaken twin identity coming to bite her in the ass. RELIVE THE MAGIC OF SWEET VALLEY HIGH 1 HERE.

Sweet Valley High, Secrets: Chapter 1

Jessica is still furious about getting thrown into the pool even though she presumably has bigger fish to fry given she’s getting ready to go on a hot date with some dude named Tom. I can’t remember if he was in the first book or not, which should come as a surprise to no one who has read more than one post on this blog.

Her best friend, Cara Walker, zipped her up, then stepped back and sighed. Jessica was, as usual, too gorgeous for words. Her sun-colored hair shimmered about tanned shoulders left bare by the silky Hawaiian print sun dress that perfectly complemented her blue-green eyes. A bewitching smile on her lovely oval face usually completed the picture of perfection. The only trouble was, she wasn’t smiling right now.

1. Who is Cara?
2. Is “Cara” supposed to be the one thinking about how gorgeous Jessica is or is the narrator? This narrator makes me super uncomfortable sometimes, BTW. He really slathers on the praise for the twins, especially Jessica. Maybe just play it cool, narrator.

Jessica complains about how horrible she looks, which is classic Jessica. She also complains about getting thrown in the pool, which is the perfect way for us to be reminded of some of the intricate Sweet Valley mythology.

She tossed her head in disgust, even though every golden strand seemed to be in place. “Can you imagine—being dunked with every stitch on? How positively humiliating!”

She shuddered at the memory. She’d been tricked— and by her very own twin sister, Elizabeth, who practically always shielded Jessica above and beyond the call of sisterly duty. It was almost too much to be believed. Jessica had been tossed, fully clothed, into the Sweet Valley High pool, the students’ annual playful punishment for the author of the “Eyes and Ears” gossip column of the school paper. However, it was Elizabeth who was the columnist, but she’d engineered a mix-up in identity, a trick she’d picked up, no doubt, from Jessica herself.

If you play with fire, Jessica, you can’t be angry when you get burned/thrown into a pool. Engineering twin mix-ups is not for the faint of heart.

Cara, proving to be more than just a Jessica fangirl, lovingly tells Jessica she still looked gorgeous getting thrown in the pool and that she had it coming after what she did to her sister. Cara, welcome to the series, happy to have you.

Jessica cut her dead with a glare. “You’re lucky we’re at your house instead of mine, or I’d really let you have it.” Deep down, though, she knew she’d deserved it, too.

Jessica Wakefield has engaged in more self-reflection in these two lines than Zoey Redbird has had in almost three House of Night turd-nuggets.  Jessica Wakefield!

Cara and Jessica continue to discuss how great Jessica looked while getting thrown in the pool, when suddenly Jessica has an absolutely awful thought. What if Bruce Patman saw her! She totally loves him (WHAT ABOUT TOM, DUDE???) and is going to win his heart. I guess Tom is just a way to pass the time. Bruce is hot and rich and drives a Porsche, so that settles that.

How is Jessica going to win his heart, though? Well, first she’s got to become queen of the fall dance, which is some Game of Thrones level storytelling. Once she and Bruce are ruling school together, and Tom is presumably watching from afar with a lone tear running down his cheek, Bruce will have no choice but to notice her and submit to her will. Based on this testimony, I am forced to assume Jessica’s storyline this book will focus on her campaign trail. I am officially more excited for this than the 2016 elections.

Now that we’ve established Jessica’s focus, what’s good old Elizabeth up to?

She’s baking cookies with her BFF Enid. I do remember Enid on account of the fact her name is Enid, and that’s not something you forget easily.

Elizabeth knows something has got Enid down in the dumps, but it’s not until Enid breaks a cup and starts crying that she can pry the truth out of her friend.

Enid covered her face with her hands. Elizabeth noticed that they were trembling. “Oh, Liz, I’m so afraid!”

“Of what?”

“Of losing Ronnie. If he knew the truth about me, he’d hate me. Absolutely despise me!”

I feel like some of this was mentioned in the last book? I keep having these flashes of Enid being really worried she would lose Ronnie and me giving zero shits. That feels like a thing that happened.

“How could he possibly hate you?” Elizabeth asked.

“The only truth is that you’re a fantastic person.”

Enid shook her head. “You don’t know, Liz. I’ve even been afraid to tell you. I didn’t want you to hate me, either.”

“I could never hate you, Enid.”

“Maybe not, but I just know Ronnie would if he found out.”

“OK, what’s this terrible secret?”

Ug, yeah, spit it out Enid. She probably had like a sip of vodka once.

Enid took a deep, shaky breath, then blurted, “Try a police record, then.”

TWO SIPS OF VODKA?

Enid haltingly poured out to her best friend the story that had burdened her for so long. Two years earlier, when her parents were getting divorced, she’d gone a little crazy. She was angry, hurt, upset. She’d drifted in with a bad crowd and gotten involved with a boy named George Warren. They’d gone from drinking to drugs— trying just about everything that came their way.

The situation came to a nightmarish climax the afternoon Enid and George went joyriding in George’s GTO— stoned out of their minds—and struck a little boy who was playing near the road. For Enid the whole world stopped moving at that moment. She climbed out of the car as if in slow motion, her knees rubbery. Forever frozen in her memory was the sight of that tiny figure crumpled on the pavement, the horrifying sound of the scream of his mother as she came racing out of her house. Enid stood there as if paralyzed. A voice that didn’t seem to be coming from her kept saying, over and over, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

WOAH. Damn, Enid, I had you all wrong. We’re only on the first chapter of this book, and Sweet Valley High is not holding back! Who knew a name like Enid has been hiding such a dark past?

Luckily, the boy wasn’t seriously injured. He’d suffered a broken arm and a mild concussion.

Oh, that’s a relief. I thought it would be a little dark to start this book off with the revelation that one character had been involved in the death of a child.

Enid and George were arrested, but placed on six months’ probation and signed into a drug counseling program at Juvenile Hall. Enid emerged from the experience a different person. She’d been shocked into seeing the rollercoaster ride of self-destruction she’d been on, and she’d set about putting her feet on solid ground. She was straight now, with grades to match. She hadn’t seen George in two years, since his parents had sent him away to a strict private boarding school.

So that means George is definitely like two chapters away from showing up.

Normally I would complain about how this massive backstory was just packed into the space of about three paragraphs with no dialogue to help break it up, but I think it was perfectly executed. I did not need to hear Enid pausing to cry and worry about losing Ronnie.

After finishing her story, Enid/the narrator take a moment to remind us that Elizabeth might not be as flashy as Jessica, but she is still super gorgeous, and her kindness makes her even more beautiful. Know this.

Elizabeth accepts Enid as she is, past and all, and Enid openly weeps (really).

We return to worrying about Ronnie, who honestly sounds like a total douche canoe, and I hope George returns reformed and ready for love so we can forget about Ronnie.

“Ronnie’s not like Todd,” Enid explained. “He expects one hundred percent of my attention. If he knew about George . . .”

She stopped, biting her lip. “What about George? You said yourself you haven’t seen him in a couple of years.” “It’s true I haven’t actually seen him. But”—she released a deep sigh—“we write to each other. It’s not what you think. I mean, there’s nothing going on between us. We’re just friends. I started writing to George because he was so mixed-up and unhappy. I wanted him to know it didn’t have to be that way forever.”

“I think it’s nice that you’re helping George,” Elizabeth said. “There’s no reason Ronnie should be jealous over a few friendly letters.”

Enid groaned. “You’re talking about someone who turns green if I look sideways at another guy by accident. Last week he caught me going over a homework assignment with a guy in my history class. I thought he was going to blow a fuse!”

How I imagine Enid and Ronnie.

We have a Christian Grey/Gideon Cross situation on our hands, people. THIS IS A CODE GREY/CROSSFIRE, WHICH IS NO JOKE. Ronnie better get a better lock on his girl or she might starting discussing math assignments with some other guy.

A tiny alarm went off inside Elizabeth. “But if you explained it just the way you did to me . . .”

The alarm Elizabeth heard was my special Code Grey/Crossfire alert. It wasn’t meant to be tiny, though, so I’ll need to call my technician ASAP.

Elizabeth confirms that she and Enid are the only ones who know about the letters, but then Enid drops another bombshell – George is coming to Sweet Valley in less than two weeks! I don’t have a good handle on how time passes in these books, but that could be two chapters, just like I predicted!

For some inane reason, Enid has brought one of George’s letters with her. The letter from George is full of remorse and tales of academic triumphs. Unlike Ronnie, he seems like a mature young man who has had time to self-reflect and change his outlook on life. He also seems to be very kind and respectful of Enid. Unlike douche canoe, Ronnie.

“I don’t know what to do,” Enid said when Elizabeth had put the letter down. “I don’t want to stop being George’s friend, but I can’t see him. Ronnie would take it all wrong.”

“I should think Ronnie would be glad to know how loyal you are to people you care about.”

Truth.

Enid shook her head with stubborn insistence. “It would be the ultimate end. He’d be furious. I’d lose him.” She clutched at Elizabeth’s arm. “Liz, you’ve got to promise me you won’t tell anyone about the letters. Swear you won’t!”

[…]

Elizabeth recently had been on the receiving end of such a rumor herself, when her eternally two-faced twin was nearly arrested and let the police think she was Elizabeth. The cruel gossip had disturbed Elizabeth greatly, so she was in a better position than most to appreciate Enid’s dilemma.

“I swear that if I ever tell about the letters, you can, uh—” Elizabeth grinned as inspiration struck. “You can bury me alive in chocolate-chip cookie batter!”

But all might not be well despite Elizabeth’s applaudable handling of the situation. Read on:

In all the commotion, neither girl noticed as one of George’s letters fell to the carpet.

Oh no. You don’t think…No. There’s no way this letter is going to fall into the wrong hands. Jessica’s hands, even! Thus causing Enid’s secret to get out. This story might really drive Enid to go into a cookie-dough frenzy, which is the most delicious kind of frenzy there is. THAT’S WHY YOU DON’T BRING ALL THE LETTERS, ENID!

The chapter ends with Elizabeth trying to distract Enid by telling her ghost stories, which I guess is one approach.

Enid settled back with a sigh of defeat, secretly glad to get her mind off the real-life fear that was pressing down on her. The thought of losing Ronnie was the worst nightmare she could imagine.

That is so, so sad.

I didn’t mention this at the time because I was really caught up in the drama, but in the middle of Enid’s big confession, Elizabeth makes a really awkward joke:

“Easy for you to say. You don’t have any skeletons in your closet.”

“If I did, Jessica would’ve borrowed them.” Elizabeth couldn’t suppress a tiny smile, thinking of her twin’s charming little habit of foraging in her closet whenever she ran out of her own things to wear.

Ha…ha?

Hopefully everybody’s enjoying our return to the batshit insane world of Sweet Valley High while Ariel and I sort through all our recommendations we got for the next book (update: OMG), and also purge Grey from our system.

Which even the guy playing Grey is desperately doing.

So I have a reminder, and something interesting for you guys to keep in mind. We’ve emphasized before that we like doing books like Sweet Valley High (and Magic Tree House and Goosebumps) not because they’re bad, but because they are very, very silly. They’re campy and full of goofball nonsense. So as we read a book doing that fairly well on Mondays and Tuesdays, remember as we read our other series about high schoolers on Thursdays and Fridays that does not do a good job with campy goofball nonsense. Just see how they compare.

Without further ado, let’s see check in on our favorite sociopath: Jessica Wakefield.

Sweet Valley High: Secrets Chapter 2

We rejoin Jessica, bored in French class, wishing she were instead at the beach “soaking up the rays in the bronze, wet-look, one-piece she’d bought the week before at Foxy Mama”, which is unquestionably the greatest piece of worldbuilding we’ve seen on this blog in a while, because there is a store in this world named fucking Foxy Mama.

We waste no more time than paragraph #3 to meet boy #1 in Jessica’s inevitable machinations:

she caught Winston Egbert, seated across the aisle, gazing at her with a goofy, lovesick expression. Yech! Did he have to stare at her like that? Even so, she found herself shifting slightly to a more flattering pose.

Jessica is like the Zoey that House of Night didn’t even know it wanted Zoey to be, much like how most Taylor Swift covers are the songs that Taylor Swift didn’t even know she wanted them to be.

As soon as Winston opens his mouth, it’s pretty clear he’s actually the worst. Although this is Sweet Valley High, so “the worst” basically means “tells jokes so lame that in the real world he would probably have to switch schools”.

“How [do] you expect to conjugate the verbs I’ve written on the board if you’re not looking at it,” [Ms. Dalton] needled in a pleasant voice.
“Mental telepathy!” Winston piped, swooping to her rescue with clownish gallantry. “She’s really Wonder Woman in disguise. Hey, Jess, show us how you leap tall buildings in a single bound.”

Boy #2 chimes in to tell Winston that he got the wrong superhero and to either shut up or “get out of here faster than a speeding bullet”. So we’re already convinced that he’s the better boy, but let’s see how Jessica explains it:

The difference between Ken and Winston was that Ken was tall, blond, gorgeous, and captain of the football team.

I love how the only difference she has is the positive qualities of one of them. I hope Jessica grew up to be a political commentator. “The difference between Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump is that Bernie is charismatic and has a wacky hairdo.”

And captain of the football team.

But, lo, Ken is not the perfect match for Jessica, for he has his sights set on someone else… THEIR TEACHER. I promise this isn’t House of Night.

“I think think we can all settle down and get some work done now. Unless,” she added, eyes sparkling, “any of you has X-ray vision and can see the answers I have hidden in my desk.”
A ripple of laughter greeted this. Ken flashed her one of his thousand-watt grins. It was common knowledge that Ken was hopelessly in love with Ms. Dalton, who had been giving him extra tutoring after class to boost his near-failing grade. Even so, Jessica doubted that Ms. Dalton suspected that Ken had a crush on her.

You might be thinking, hm, it’s a little weird that Jessica would assume that Ms. Dalton would necessarily care, what with being a teacher and all. But to Jessica, the weird part is that Ms. Dalton has yet to properly capitalize on this information, like a chump.

She was always the first to know it when a guy liked her— as well as the first to take advantage of it when it suited her. Even Winston might come in handy one of these days.

Jessica begins to fantasize about the man she really wants: Bruce Patman. Fortunately, she has an entirely reasonable plan for how she’ll land this fine specimen of a man.

there was a way, even if he didn’t ask her [to the dance]. Jessica had been nominated for queen. Bruce Patman was up for king. […] She simply had to win. It was her big chance to make Bruce fall in love with her.

Just in case the plan was too subtle: Step 1) Jessica and Bruce win queen and king. Step 2) Bruce therefore falls in love with Jessica. It’s so simple. Why did I even have to explain that.

She would do anything, absolutely anything, to be queen.…

Anything. Maybe even some convoluted plan where she reveals her sister’s best friend’s shady past with drugs and drunk driving which will somehow help her become queen. Maybe. That’s what “anything” means.

All the best cunning plans meet the required amount of not being remotely about the plan.

After class, Jessica gossips with her friends Lila and Cara at her locker. We learn, in the somehow increasingly convoluted subplot about their teacher’s dating life:

1. Lila’s father (one of the richest people in Sweet Valley) is dating Ms. Dalton, and she’s convinced she’s just in it for the money
2. Ken is taking Lila to the dance, but she’s not super into him and does not care that he’s got the hots for someone else. The book completely glosses over that “someone else” is her father’s girlfriend, which strikes me as odd.
3. Lila claims to have “seen the way [Ms. Dalton] drapes herself across [Ken’s] desk when alone in the classroom”

Jessica takes all of this information into consideration:

Actually, if Ms. Dalton was having an affair with Ken Matthews, it might even liven things up at school, she thought.

Holy shit, what is with the books we’re reading on the blog right now? Why is everyone nonplussed about teacher-underage student relationships?

Back in the realm of Jessica’s love problems (which are refreshingly not felonies) (yet) (IDK Jessica’s a loose cannon), Jessica explains what she looks for in a man:

“You have to admit,” said Jessica, “there is something wildly sexy about a man in a black Porsche— especially if he’s six feet plus and has gorgeous blue eyes and is incredibly rich,” she added.

And then, suddenly, Bruce appears. And the prose is beautiful.

Her knees went weak as warm Jell-O. […] Her eyes [were] riveted on the glorious spectacle of Bruce climbing the stairs with the loose-limbed grace of a young lion.

Oh woe, if only there were some kind of wacky hijinks that could get Jessica closer to Bruce while somehow ruining everyone else’s lives!

Hello, loyal readers and/or people discovering this blog for the first time today! This might be a bit strange for those of you in the latter category.

The two of us writing this blog have been talking, and we have an experiment we’re excited about trying. We’re going to get our 2010s crowdfunding game on and we’re setting up a Patreon. You might have questions!

Hi. What’s Patreon?

Patreon is a service for people who create stuff (eg, Bad Books, Good Times) to receive monetary donations from people who like that stuff (eg, our readers). In other words, it’s an easy way for anyone who would like to support us to give a monthly donation to BBGT, and get a little something extra back in return. If a lot of people do this, and BBGT has more money to play with, then we can afford to do even more. It’s also non-binding, so you can stop donating at any time.

Here’s a few Patreons that Matthew likes, and what they look like:

Extra Credits, Lore Podcast, Go Make Me A Sandwich

Dinosaur Comics, Questionable Content, Amanda Palmer

Ok. But why is Bad Books, Good Times doing a Patreon?

Bad Books, Good Times is free. That’s never going to change. BBGT is and will always be a free source of entertainment/resource for why these books are just the worst. But it does take time and money to keep it going.

So this is an experiment. We have amazing readers, and we’re curious what you’d be willing to throw our way if we gave you a little extra in return. “You” means two things here, really. “You” the individual donor (or “Patron”, as the industry lingo goes) get a reward for your generosity that’s just for you. But if the campaign is particularly successful, then there’s “You” the collective readership, and everybody would benefit from the website-wide changes our vast riches a little extra money could go towards.

What “you” might not necessarily mean, is “you” reading this right now, because it’s totally, totally cool if you’re not interested in this. But you might want to consider donating if:

1. You have any personal interest in donating
2. You have the means to donate
3. You’re that dedicated fan who’s here all the time, been coming here for ages, and we’ve put many a smile on your face

4) Are we the butts to your Tina Belcher? 5) I lost my train of thought

So what will the BBGT Patreon look like?

Here’s what we have in mind:

• $1 per month: $1 a month is a good, simple way to support us, especially if you use ad blockers. We’ll throw in free copies of our eBooks for you, while we’re at it.
• $3 per month: Access to exclusive biweekly posts (as in 2 per month). We have lots of silly and serious questions about the books we read, but we don’t have the time (or space) to get into them. These will be posted on an exclusive Patreon Activity Feed (it’s in all-caps because that’s a Thing), so there’s also the opportunity for extra commentary, tangents we decided to cut from the proper posts, and semi-secret updates. You could be, like, SUPER in the know about what the next book might be. (Plus the eBooks)
• $5 per month: We’ll set up a rotating panel at the top of the sidebar for featured patrons, linking to your own work. Think about it. One to two thousand people a day will go to BBGT, see “Today’s post brought to you by [YOUR NAME]”, and think “oh!” and/or “ah!”. And it’ll link to your blog/portfolio/YouTube/favorite funny cat video/whatever you want. (Plus the exclusive posts and the eBooks)

And if things go really well and a lot of people sign up for monthly donations, we have some milestones in mind:

• Custom CSS: In not-computer words, this just means the website will look nicer, and we can manually improve some issues we have around navigation.
• More books: There are books that we really want to make fun of on here, but they aren’t well suited to our chapter-by-chapter format. But at the same time, we don’t have the budget to buy more books that we’ll only do a few posts on. (Until now???)
• Bad TV! Bad Movies! More Good Times!: Not to sound like Christian Grey here, but there are some limitations on whether we can offer “more”. The money the blog brings in has to justify the time it takes to write extra stuff for the blog (see The Room). But if the interest is there…

It’d be like this, but not a shitty relationship

But then why isn’t there a Patreon already?

Like we said, this is an experiment. We want to ask our readers about it first. So we want to know: what would you be willing to throw a few bucks our way in exchange for? Maybe there’s something here we haven’t considered. Maybe you’d be interested in a certain donor reward or some other kind of milestone. Maybe you know more about business than we do and you have thoughts about the rewards and milestones we just described.

This whole idea is an experiment to see what kind of relationship we can build between our blog and readers. We’d like to hear from you!

Hi, everyone. Ariel here. I know we make a lot of jokes on this blog, and good times are had by all. It isn’t all fun and games, though. Sometimes chapters like these come along, and you can’t just unread their contents. TRIGGER WARNINGS: UNDERAGE VAMPYRE SEX. ZOEY REDBIRD HAVING SEX. ZOEY REDBIRD HAVING UNDERAGE VAMPYRE SEX WITH THE VAMPYRE POET LOREAT WHO IS GROSS AND HAS AWFUL DIALOGUE.

Basically it’s the moment a handful of you have been waiting for since we started reading these books.

House of Night, Chosen Chapter 22

I forgot last chapter ended with the ~mystery~ of whether Erik was dying or not. I won’t leave you hanging with a bunch of will he or won’t he:

I turned back to Erik, but before I could pull him into my arms Aphrodite’s voice cut through thenoise of his moans and the sounds of the frightened, watching crowd of kids.

“Zoey, he’s not dying.” I looked up at her, not really getting what she was saying. She grabbed myarm and pulled me away from Erik. I started to struggle, but her next words got through to me andmade me freeze. “Listen to me! He’s not dying. He’s Changing.”

[…]

Aphrodite was right. Erik was Changing into an adult vampyre.

What? ERIK is evolving! If Zoey just pressed the B button hard enough she could have prolonged it for a couple more chapters at least.

I can’t believe there was a point when I thought my whole post wound basically hinge around this moment. Little did I know. Such innocent times.

Neferet rushes in because she’s been told Erik is dying. Surprise! He’s okay, and has rapidly undergone vampyre puberty, which apparently happens over a thirty second span of time. Neferet tells Erik that now that he’s done transforming, he should reveal his changes to everyone.

Erik stood up and raised his head. I gasped along with everyone else. His face was luminous. It seemed someone had turned a switch on inside him. He’d been handsome before, but now everything was intensified. His eyes were bluer, his thick hair was wild and black and dangerous, he even appeared taller. And his Mark had been completed. The sapphire crescent was filled in. And framing his eyes, along his brows and over his well-defined cheekbones, was a stunning pattern of interlocking knots that formed the shape of a mask, reminding me instantly of Professor Nolan’s beautiful Mark. 

If only human puberty was like this. Erik briefly experienced some pain and then was just sexier than ever and had more tattoos! Simple as that.

Erik’s gaze touched mine for a moment. His full lips tilted up and he smiled a special smile just for me. I thought my heart would burst. Then he raised his arms over his head and cried out in a voice filled with power and pure joy, “I’ve Changed!”

I’m sure his heart was in the right place, but I wish he would have refrained. Can you even imagine this situation? Even if someone specifically evolved into an adult vampyre in front of your eyes, I can’t begin to believe there would be a reaction to someone shouting, “I’ve Changed!” that wasn’t a sarcastic slow clap. I don’t care if the “Change” has a capital C, it’s still ridiculous.

But then everyone starts cheering! Unbelievable. These kids are worse than The Students Without Netflix right now.

Neferet and the other adult vampyres sweep Erik away to do adult vampyre things.

“They’ll take him to be anointed into the service of the Goddess,” Aphrodite said. She was still standing beside me and her voice sounded as bleak as I suddenly felt. “Fledglings don’t know exactly what happens during the anointing. It’s a big vamp secret, and they’re not allowed to tell.” She shrugged. “Whatever. Guess we’ll find out some day.”

I bet you anything it’s just another circle being cast. You girls aren’t missing out.

Zoey’s terrible friends have terrible reactions:

“Hey, Z! Was that cool or what?” Jack said.

“Man, it was incredible. I’m still reeling!” Damien fanned himself and his large vocabulary.

“Oh, baby! Now Erik Night joins the other vamp hotties like Brandon Routh, Josh Hartnett, and JakeGyllenhaal.”

It’s unbearable how much I hate these guys.

Damien informs everyone that once a fledging becomes an adult vampyre they are sent off into the real adult vampyre world, which is not an awful reality show (or is it?). This raises some serious questions. What is the point of these kids going to school at all if as soon as they transform into an adult (with no prior warning) they just leave the school! Can you ever even officially graduate from House of Night? Is it just a holding pen until the fledglings randomly undergo the transformation? I just can’t believe that essay Erik was probably working on means nothing.

None of these questions are answered, instead Zoey’s friends tell her that she and Erik can do long distance. I wish this meant Erik was going away, never to be heard from again, but unfortunately I already know this is not the end of his tenure.

Zoey tells her friends she needs alone time, and shoes them out of the Great Hall or wherever the heck the ritual just took place. Zoey breaks down because she’s hurting from the time Stevie Rae died/undied, and this made all those memories come flooding back. This is basically the siren’s call for predatory professors:

“I could feel that you needed me,” Loren said.

NOOOOOOOOOO.

“When Erik Changed you thought he was dying, didn’t you?”

I nodded, scared that if I said anything I’d start bawling again.

Loren’s jaw clenched and unclenched. “I’ve told Aphrodite over and over that all fledglings, and not just fifth and sixth formers, should be aware of how the Change manifests in the final stage so that they’re not frightened if they witness it.”

Why is he getting catty about Aphrodite? “Damn that Aphrodite! I told her a million times the thing she remembered I told her!” She’s exactly who informed Zoey that Erik was evolving. Also this just gives me even more unanswered, pressing questions like are there any seventh or eighth formers who aren’t dying but just can’t seem to evolve either? Are they basically like Matthew Mcconaughey from Dazed and Confused?

We get some more crucial information about Changing:

“Does it hurt as bad as it looks like it does?”

“It is painful, but it’s a good pain—if that makes sense. Think of it like sore muscles after you’veworked out. They hurt, but it’s not a bad hurt.”

“Looked like a lot more than sore muscles,” I said.

“It’s not that bad—more shocking than painful actually. Sensations rush into your body and everything becomes hypersensitive.”

Oooh pointless and inconsequential!

Loren tries to cosy up to Zoey and find out what other things are bothering her, and when Zoey hesitates, it’s time for Loren’s penis to step in.

“I’ll show you how much we can share … how completely we can be together,” he said.

Loren took the hand he was fisting in my hair and pulled at his shirt so that the buttons popped, exposing his chest. Then he drew his thumbnail slowly over his left breast, leaving behind a line of perfect scarlet. The scent of his blood wrapped around me.”Drink,” he said.

I couldn’t stop myself. I lowered my face to his chest and tasted him. His blood surged through me. It was different than Heath’s— not as hot, not as rich. But it was more powerful. It pounded through me, along with a desire that was red and urgent. I moved against his body, wanting more and more.

“Now it’s my turn. I have to taste you!” Loren said.

No! Stop! It’s nobody’s turn. But everyone ignored my pleas, and Zoey lets Loren drink from her as well. This can only end poorly.

Then it happened. His heartbeat was under my skin and I could feel my pulse pounding in time withhis. I could feel his passion along with mine and hear his desire roaring inside my head.

And then, somewhere in the back of my jumbled mind I heard Heath screaming, “Zoey! No!”

I never though I’d live to see the day when Heath and I were shouting the exact same thing.

My body jerked in Loren’s arms. “Ssh,” he whispered. “It’s okay. It’s better this way, love, muchbetter. Being Imprinted with a human is too difficult—it has too many ramifications.”

My breath was coming fast and hard. “Is it broken? Has my Imprint with Heath been broken?”

“It has. Our Imprint has replaced it.” He rolled so that I was under his body. “Now let’s finish it. Let me make love to you, baby.”

Against all odds, Zoey says yes to this horrible, terrible proposal.

“Yes,” I whispered. My lips found Loren’s chest again, and as I drank from him, Loren made love to me until our world exploded in blood and passion.

Are you hearing those awful alarm bells going off in your house too? I’m cheating because I read ahead, but when I read this chapter I KNEW SOMETHING ELSE BESIDES THE OBVIOUS WAS AMISS. Can you guess what it is? What do you think Loren’s motives are besides some sweet fledgling poontang? I also know some of you have also read ahead SO IT’S NOT FAIR IF YOU GUESS, but I won’t stop you because I love when people comment on my posts. But I may have some stern words for you.

So. Yesterday’s chapter. How’s everyone doing?

Chapter 23

Last chapter ended with Zoey losing her virginity to her high school teacher Loren Blake. Let’s go over that again. I know it wasn’t “my chapter” and “we did this already”, but I think it’s worth emphasizing what a comically, amazingly bad fade-to-black this is:

“Now let’s finish it. Let me make love to you, baby.”
“Yes,” I whispered. My lips found Loren’s chest again, and as I drank from him, Loren made love to me until our world exploded in blood and passion.

There is so much awful here. The diction is wrong: “baby” and “made love” aren’t making the teacher-underage student thing as palatable as this book inscrutably seems to think it is. The narrative pacing is wrong: You can’t squeeze a sex scene with this much narrative weight into “Loren made love to me until our world exploded” any more than you can squeeze a climactic confrontation into “The hero killed the bad guy”. But maybe most damningly – and this is the only time I’m ever gonna say this is a problem – it’s a huge problem that there isn’t any Zoey in this. Why does Zoey sound more detached and clinical than she’s ever been than when she’s losing her virginity?

Let’s also not forget that because of their imprint, Heath also had to psychically experience Zoey fucking Loren, which should be horrifying, but winds up being hilarious, because Heath:

somewhere in the back of my jumbled mind I heard Heath screaming, “Zoey! No!”

Ok. Just wanted to spend some extra time on all that, because FUCKING REALLY.

Actually Chapter 23

So where do we pick up after all that love making until the world exploded in a dozen words?

I was lying on top of Loren in a delicious fog of sensation

Words that do not work together, especially in a sex scene: “delicious fog”

The thin film of sweat on my body made [my tattoos] glisten like sapphires.

Words that do not work in any sex scene whatsoever: “film of sweat”

Lying together naked, Loren compliments Zoey’s tattoos, which are “exquisite. Like you.”

I’m thinking that “exquisite” is another word that doesn’t totally belong in a scene where you’re trying to make a teacher-underage student relationship more palatable. Call me crazy? Zoey explains that, yes, I am crazy for not recognizing her beautiful love with her high school teacher.

Loren was right. I was exquisite.

I mean, you know, after the requisite “Zoey compliments herself” part.

He’d been right about us. It didn’t matter that he was older and a full-grown vampyre (and a professor at my school).

These are just reasons why this very much does matter, but, uh, go on? Do explain why this relationship is something we should be on board with.

What we had was really special.

Oh ok it was really special. Guess I’m on board now.

Zoey asks Loren if her Imprint with Heath is really broken, saying that “I don’t understand how it could have happened so easily”. (Welcome to reading House of Night, Zoey.) Loren explains that the Zoey-Heath bond was weak because Zoey isn’t a vampyre, just a fledgling, and therefore a bond between Zoey and an adult vampyre could overwhelm it, because it’s impossible for one person to have multiple Imprints.

Zoey continues to be an empathetic, selfless soul:

It was really a good thing that my being with Loren had broken the Imprint with Heath. It was easier this way-for both of us.

Yes. Getting a psychic vision that your significant other is boning someone else definitely sounds the easiest way to break up for both parties involved.

Having moved on from how great is was that she managed to end things with boyfriend #1 without having to actually talk to him, she suddenly becomes super concerned about boyfriend #2. If you’re looking for moments that really show Zoey’s character, the term “an embarrassment of riches” would apply here.

“What is it?” [Loren] said.
“Erik,” I whispered.
“You belong to me!” Loren’s voice was rough, as were his lips as he kissed me possessively.

I am torn here. This is such an obvious red flag, and Zoey doesn’t pick up on it (she responded with “Yes, I do belong to you”, if you had any doubt about that). But we’re so used to Zoey not picking up on things, this isn’t surprising. But what’s weird is that this isn’t because Zoey’s an unreliable narrator, at least purposefully; she’s just tone-deaf. Then again, it’s easy for real people to not recognize when they’re in harmful relationships with other people. So how much of a problem is this for the book?

I don’t have an answer for that train of thought yet, but I want you to keep it in mind as we go into the next section. Yes, your comedy blog is asking you to remember criticism that will only become useful later! I bet you miss Grey now!

Ah, the wonderful days when this blog was primarily this. Good times. Good times.

Zoey and Loren move onto pillow talk, which – this is House of Nothing Happens For 80% of the Book Night, after all – is totally an infodump.

[Loren looked] into my eyes. “Can you tell me now? […] Tell me what it is that upset you so badly.”

Zoey very thoroughly (as though anything else actually happened in this story that would make us forget) summarizes:

• Stevie Rae is undead, as are a bunch of other fledgling students previously thought to be dead
• They were the ones killing the football players at the human high school and she had to save Heath from them
• But Stevie Rae is still holding onto some of her humanity somehow, and she’s hiding at Aphrodite’s parents’ until Zoey finds a way to help
• Zoey is sneaking blood out of the school and taking it to Stevie Rae
• Zoey gave Stevie Rae a cell phone so the two of them could communicate

Loren has some thoughts about this.

“They’re that bad?” He said.
“You can’t imagine. […] It’s like they’ve turned into all the stereotypes that are most horrible about vamps”

Ah, yes, the unimaginable horror of being turned into a horrible stereotype. Totally unrelated: the “gay but not in a girly way” Damien has barely been in this book!

Zoey explains her plan to ask the goddess to fix Stevie Rae (we’re using “plan” real loosely here). Loren warns her that she’s “invoking powerful magic, and there’s always a cost associated with that”, then without elaborating on any of this very important information at all, asks if she knows anything about how this happened.

I started to say Neferet when ‘Don’t speak her name’ slammed into my gut. Okay, the words themselves didn’t hit me.

Of the few things the Casts felt the need to clarify in this book is that Zoey’s thoughts did not physically manifest themselves as floating words that made physical contact with her. Let that mindfuckingly stupid detail sink in.

But there’s the beginning of something much more important to talk about now. Remember that stuff I was talking about earlier? NOW IS THE TIME TO REMEMBER THAT STUFF.

I’d left out any mention of Neferet [in my story]. I hadn’t thought about it. I hadn’t done it on purpose. […]
Nyx. It had to be the Goddess working through my subconscious. She didn’t want Loren to know anything about Neferet.

Let’s think about the implications of this. Zoey didn’t getting any red flags that maybe her high school teacher who just seduced her and had sex with her is maybe not a good person, EVEN AFTER he grabbed her and told her “You belong to me!” Zoey only got red flags about him through divine intervention. House of Night has frequently had a pretty heavy reliance on the deus ex machina – often at the hands of a literal deus – but it’s super, super bad here, because Zoey has no agency. How are we supposed to be invested in a protagonist who never learns from her ongoing experiences, but has a god do all her thinking for her? This makes me feel like Zoey is a little less “chosen one”, and a little more “Jesus, take the wheel”.

Although I don’t think I’ve ever summed up an entire character with a single gif quite so succinctly before.

Loren asks Zoey more questions, and Zoey lies about anyone else knowing about the two of them and about Aphrodite’s involvement with Stevie Rae (coming up with a story about how she overheard Aphrodite talking about how the house was empty while her parents were on vacation). She also lies about her relationship with Aphrodite:

as I said it I realized that I actually did trust Aphrodite. Maybe even more than I trusted Loren, who I’d just lost my virginity to and with whom I’d just Imprinted. Great. Just my luck.

I like how the most genuinely horrifying moments in House of Night are always played off as jokes.

Suddenly!

I turned my head as Loren trailed kisses down my naked throat, and a jolt of horror shocked through my body.
Erik was standing in the doorway with a look of utter disbelief on his newly Marked face.

Overlooking the implication that the door must have been open this whole time.

I didn’t need to worry about Erik seeing me naked.

Oh, good, this was the problem introduced in this scene that I was most concerned about.

With one quick motion, Loren moved me behind him, shielding me with his body.
“You’re interrupting.” Loren’s beautiful voice was dark with barely suppressed violence. […]
“Yeah, I can see that,” Erik said. Without another word he turned and walked out.
“Ohmygod! Ohmygod! I can’t believe that just happened!” I put my burning face in my hands.

Overlooking the implication that Loren’s dick must have been out during this entire interaction.

And we’re back!

Zoey freaks out that Erik found out this way, and that the entire school will find out now, which is bad because (say it with me!) Loren is a teacher and Zoey is an undersage student. Loren assures her, nah, don’t worry about it.

“He’ll keep his mouth shut because I’ll tell him to keep it shut.” […]
I felt a prickle of fear, and I began to wonder if there might be more to Loren than what he was showing me.

Again, this is not a thought Zoey had when Loren was shouting “You belong to me!”

Zoey and Loren (finally) part ways, agreeing to meet up again soon. Zoey walks back, reflecting on losing her virginity, which is handled… with a weirdly tasteful verisimilitude, actually.

I wasn’t a virgin anymore.
The fact hit me with a weird zing. Things had happened so fast I hadn’t really had time to think about it, but I’d done it.

Although given Zoey’s long history of slut shaming, even a gentler moment of reflection just seems like shallow writing. I’m not buying a Zoey that doesn’t have any more conflicted feelings in this moment than “a weird zing”. Note that I’m actually critiquing that Zoey doesn’t sound like Zoey. That’s how serious this is.
The chapter ends with a classic House of Night move: someone suddenly appearing from behind a tree:

“Why, Zoey?” Erik said.

I don’t even have a joke. “Why, Zoey?” is literally how I feel about this entire book.

Full disclosure, I feel weird about making fun of most of the characters in this chapter because I am slightly worried they actually have conditions of some sort that I shouldn’t mock. So I make the following jokes under the assumption that the author intended that they all be fully functioning, clear-headed people who are just really oddly written.

Sweet Valley High, Secrets Chapter 3:

It’s a Jessica POV chapter, so prepare yourself for quite the emotional roller coaster. Tomato eating emotional roller coasters!

“Well, well, if it isn’t Little Bo-Peep,” drawled Bruce as Jessica fell in step beside him. He raked her over with a flick of his heavy-lidded blue eyes. “Lost any sheep lately?”

Jessica laughed as if it were the funniest joke in the world. Bruce Patman could recite the Gettysburg Address in pig latin and have all the girls in school hanging on his every word.

It sure must be nice to say whatever nonsense floats into your mind and just have the ladies fawn all over you. Bruce is definitely peaking in high school, though. There’s no way this kind of lacklustre joking or a twisted reading of the Gettysburg Address will land him as many chicks in a post-high school landscape.

Jessica’s response to Bruce’s nonsense is fittingly more nonsense:

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Bruce,” she parried, fluttering her lashes at him. “I’m practically the loneliest girl in the whole school. Would you believe I don’t even have a date for the dance yet?”

I get that it was very strange that he started calling her Little Bo-Peep, and Jessica probably doesn’t know what he’s talking about at all, but that doesn’t seem like a response to his question regarding loss of sheep in the slightest. Honestly, Jessica, it sounds super desperate.

“I’ll bet Egbert would take you. I hear he’s really got the hots for you.”

Jessica made a disgusted noise. “He’s the last boy on earth I’d want to go with! I mean, honestly, he’s like some kind of—of—cartoon!”

Bruce chuckled. “Sure, old Scooby Doo. Winston’s for you, though.”

This conversation is hard to follow. Is Bruce drunk? This early on a school day?

Jessica suddenly notices that Bruce is checking her body out like he’s a very efficient grocery store employee. Jessica has always known that she’s Bruce’s type, and she wonders “Was he finally getting around to figuring it out as well?”

That’s certainly how attraction works! You just keep waiting until the day the object of your interest gives you a full-body scan, and he suddenly “figures out” you’re his type. It’s the romantic tale every young girl fantasises about.

To keep Bruce ensnared, Jessica concocts a scheme whereby she tells Bruce she’s lost her necklace – but she’s still wearing the necklace, it’s just underneath her sweater! People wear sweaters in California? – and she asks him to help her find it. This isn’t the worst plan as far as plans to keep people from walking away go, given this is a wild goose chase, they could potentially be in this hallway together for hours. That leaves plenty of time for Bruce to figure out he’s attracted to Jessica.

Alas! Bruce doesn’t take the bait.

Bruce cast an idle glance down the milling staircase. “I don’t see it. But, listen, love, I’m sure it’ll turn up. I’ve got to split. Catch you later.” He was gone, leaving Jessica to gape after him in frustrated astonishment.

Wow, you really just can’t predict the dialogue that is going to come out of these characters’ mouths, can you? Is Bruce British?

Winston shows up and offers to go to the ends of the Earth to find Jessica’s necklace for her. He also offers up this evidence as to why he is the best candidate for necklace finding:

“I’m good at finding things. My friends call me Sherlock Holmes. Once I even found a stamp my brother thought he’d lost out of his collection. You’d never guess in a million years where I found it. Sticking to the bottom of my shoe, that’s where! I’ll bet that’s the last place in the world anyone else would’ve looked, huh?”

I have a lot of questions about this stamp finding tale. Who removed the stamp from the collection in the first place? Was it Winston? It seems like he setup the situation to make himself look like the hero. I bet he planned it all! I don’t trust Winston, you guys, I think he’s A.

Jessica leaves Winston to look for her non-missing necklace. Poor guy.

Later, at home, Jessica thinks about Bruce:

She simply had to find a way to get him. She remembered how his eyes had traveled over her—he certainly hadn’t taken any shortcuts. Jessica warmed, just thinking about it. Maybe there really was a chance after all.

I have put a considerable amount of thought into this, and I’m still not sure what kinds of shortcuts he would have taken in this situation. Would it have constituted as a shortcut if Bruce had looked from her legs to her face and skipped everything in between? Damn it, Bruce, stop trying to take shortcuts when you checkout women . You’ll never get ahead if you keep taking the lazy route.

Jessica finds her mother in the kitchen, and proceeds to eat all the tomatoes and get very frustrated that Elizabeth hangs out with Enid a lot. She says a lot of mean things about Enid, and the twins’ mother points out the Jessica is super jealous of the fact that her sister has other friends. Healthy!

“Liz can see who she wants,” Jessica repeated. She scowled as she reached into the basket of cherry tomatoes on the sink and popped one into her mouth.

“Right.”

“She can make friends with a one-eyed hippopotamus for all I care.”

“That’s very open-minded of you. Don’t eat all the tomatoes, Jess. Save a few for the salad.”

Jessica also reveals that she had been the one to bring Enid home to hang out in the first place, but then Enid wound up liking Elizabeth more. I can’t say I’m surprised by this turn of events.

She burst into tears. Darn Enid Rollins, she thought. Darn Bruce Patman, too. She didn’t need either of them. Everyone knew that she could get practically anyone to follow her simply by lifting her finger. Was it her fault that Enid and Bruce were blind to her charms?

Where is this coming from? Bruce, I can understand. But aside from the obvious fact that the book needs to set up a reason for Jessica to want to hurt Enid when she inevitably finds the letter Enid dropped in the first chapter, it doesn’t make sense that she’s crying over Enid suddenly. Get it together, Jessica.

Jessica’s mother tries to comfort her, but then, disaster strikes:

She bit into another tomato and ended up squirting a red jet of juice and seeds down the front of her very favorite pink angora sweater.

“Ruined!” Jessica shrieked. “It’s ruined for good!”

Mrs. Wakefield sighed as she handed her daughter the sponge. “Well, in that case, I suppose we could always have it for dinner, since that was the last tomato.”

Mrs. Wakefield is the greatest. I wish I possessed even an ounce of her patience and grace and sassy tomato-related comments.

In a tomato-fueled rage, Jessica runs upstairs and into Elizabeth’s room for some reason that Jessica can sort of explain better than I can:

She headed straight for Elizabeth’s room and flung herself down on the bed. She preferred her sister’s room to her own since it was always much neater. The Hershey Bar was what she called her room, due to its chocolate-colored walls. And it looked, in Elizabeth’s immortal words, “like a cross between a mud-wrestling pit and the bargain table at KMart.”

Wait which of the twins has a room that they call The Hershey Bar? I can’t tell if it’s amazing or terrible.

While she’s wallowing in self-pity, Jessica suddenly spots the fallen letter, and of course begins to devise some sort of evil plan.

Whistling under her breath, Jessica started back downstairs, heading for her father’s den, where he kept a small Xerox machine for copying legal documents.

Her father’s Xerox machine is meant to be for good, not evil! This can only end with more tears and tomato-rages, I’m sure.

Sweet Valley High: Secrets Chapter 4

Elizabeth, Todd, Enid, and Ronnie are at the movies for a double date (the book points out that “the two couples often double-dated”, even though Elizabeth and Todd have only been dating since the end of the last book and who knows how long ago that was). Todd has observed that something is up:

“What is it with Ronnie and Enid?” Todd asked. “Are they having some kind of a fight?”

Uh oh! Looks like Jessica’s incredibly convoluted plot to get Bruce to fall in love with her by breaking up a completely unrelated couple somehow is underway! How bad is it?

“Did you notice he didn’t hold her hand during the movie? […] Seemed kind of funny”

Oh shit!

Todd and Elizabeth keep things in perspective:

“It’s crazy,” Todd said, shaking his head. “If you love someone, you should trust him. Or her. Seems pretty dumb to get all worked up over nothing when you could be having a good time.”
“Like us, you mean?” Elizabeth leaned close and brushed the side of his neck with her lips.

Again, this is the couple that has only been dating since the end of the last book, after Todd stopped dating Elizabeth’s twin sister Jessica. Also, they’re 16.

Elizabeth goes to the bathroom to see if Enid’s ok, but finds her crying about how Ronnie’s “been acting like a different person all night” and already worrying about the worst possible outcomes:

“You really should talk to him, Enid. It might be something he’s afraid to tell you.”
“Yeah, like he wants to break up, only he’s afraid I won’t give him back his frat pin.”

To be fair, I’m making fun of these characters quite a bit, and primarily for being fairly dated. But even with that, Elizabeth has a healthier perspective on relationships than the characters in basically of the books we’ve read for this blog that have been published this decade:

“To Ronnie, loving someone means absolute faithfulness,” Enid said. “If he suspected for one second that I’d been writing to George, it would be the end. He’d never forgive me.”
Anyone that inflexible didn’t deserve someone as nice as Enid, Elizabeth thought.

*cough*

After the date, Ronnie makes a detour while driving Enid home…

Ronnie found a place up on Miller’s Point, a favorite Sweet Valley parking spot that overlooked the town. Already there were four or five other cars parked, and judging from the steaminess of their windows, they’d been there awhile.

Ronnie didn’t waste any time.

But, uh, if Ronnie’s trying to end things with Enid… ugh, fuck it. I have a SpongeBob gif for this too.

Ok. Back to discussing character motivation. We’re in the middle of a scene where Ronnie is simultaneously trying to break up with Enid and make out with her more aggressively than usual. Both things.

Enid felt as if her heart were suspended in midair. “What about the dance?”
“I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it. You see, I might have to work for my dad that night. He’s going out of town, and he really needs someone to look after the store.”
Ronnie’s father […] could have called upon any one of half a dozen people to replace him. Ronnie hadn’t even bothered to come up with a halfway decent excuse for dumping her. […] Enid felt herself begin to weaken as Ronnie’s arms tightened around her again, his lips moving against hers with a hard, unrelenting pressure.

Which is apparently a pretty appropriate time to suddenly discuss the latest rumors about a student-teacher affair.

“I can’t believe you haven’t heard. It’s all over school. They’re having an affair.” […]
“Ms. Dalton wouldn’t do a thing like that!”
“How do you know?” Ronnie challenged. “People do crummy things all the time.”
“I just can’t believe she would—”
“Be interested in Ken?” he supplied, sneering. “I would. A lot of people are two-faced, especially when it comes to love.”

If you think that Ronnie’s mental gymnastics are absurd, just keep in mind that his convoluted paranoia is somehow part of Jessica’s convoluted plan to get a boy to like her. Jessica has pieced together a Rube Goldberg machine of sociopathic manipulation. Or just figured out fairly early how predictable teenage male paranoia is. One or the other.

Speaking of the latter, Ronnie’s “I can’t go to the dance with you but I want to make out with you” behavior suddenly gets less contradictory and more, say, representative of predictable male fragility.

He pulled her against him. […] Finally Enid managed to wrench free of his grasp. […]
“What’s the matter?” Ronnie growled. “I don’t rate up there with old Georgie-boy? You’re not going to give me any of the same stuff you’re giving him?”

Enid gasps, asking how he knows about George, but Ronnie sidesteps it with a “what difference does it make?” and the fight begins in earnest! And in “what time period even is this”-ness.

“You’ve been lying to me all along. Acting like Miss Goody Two-Shoes when the truth is you were hot and heavy with George and who knows who else.”

Incidentally, the prose continues to be excellent.

It was as if he’d turned from Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde.

Enid puts her foot down, realizing that she doesn’t need Ronnie’s paranoid, unreasonable, alpha male bullshit in her life. Much like when this happened in Fifty Shades Crossfire any Maddox brothers novel no book we’ve read before.

Finally he’d gone too far. Giving a cry of anger, Enid yanked her wrists from his grasp. “OK, if that’s what you want to think! It’s obvious you don’t even care what my side is!”

I’ve been waiting to use this gif forever.

It might seem like a win-win situation, even if Enid is technically “sad” about losing the boy she “loves”. But Enid realizes there’s a pretty serious implication here.

One thought scuttered through her mind like a rat in a maze, doubling the blow of betrayal she felt: The letters. Liz must have told him about the letters.

Tune in next week to see how Enid fighting with Elizabeth somehow also factors into Jessica’s plan to go to the dance with Bruce. And how people remembering that Elizabeth has a manipulative sociopath twin sister never does.

So I’ve read a bunch of books since I started this feature, but I’ve found I haven’t always actually had all that much to say about any of them. So why not run through a bunch really quickly?

Good Omens

What’s It About?

Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman write a story about the apocalypse where Satan’s minions accidentally lost the antichrist. Hijinks ensue.

What’s It Like?

I’m one of the miserable masses that hasn’t read a whole lot of Neil Gaiman or Terry Pratchett, so this seemed like a good way to kill two birds with one stone. It’s a pretty fantastic, pretty hilarious read. And it’s also a revered cult classic, so I know I’m going to get a lot of hate for this next part: the antichrist himself was painfully boring. Maybe it’s largely because he pales in comparison to the many other much wittier, much more interesting characters in this book (seriously, something like a quarter of the book is required to just introduce all of them). But for a book about the chaos that ensues when nobody knows where the antichrist is, and the antichrist himself doesn’t know he’s the antichrist and has just been raised like a normal, unassuming boy, it’s kind of a shame that the antichrist is the least interesting part of it all? But it’s a largely hilarious book, aside from the figure around which the entire plot revolves.

Can You Explain It In Terms of Other Books We Read On This Blog?

I guess if I’m going in the “the main character is the worst part of this whole thing” direction, I suppose House of Night? Except if all of its “quirky” supporting characters were actually… say… characters. Also it has jokes in it.

I know House of Night has “jokes” in it. That’s the joke.

Good Omens has better jokes in it that what I just did. Obviously. Gaiman and Pratchett wrote it.

No Country For Old Men

What’s It About?

A man happens upon a shitton of money from a drug trade gone bad and decides to take it, prompting the absolute worst possible butterfly effect. I don’t want to spoil anything, buuuuut it’s a Cormac McCarthy novel. Every single person suffers as a result of this decision. Sometimes for beautifully karmic reasons. Sometimes for a devastating lack of reasons. Apparently it was made into a movie that won the Academy Award for best picture. I totally missed that.

What’s It Like?

Hey, everyone. Cormac McCarthy is maybe my favorite author. I really like books that are supposed to make you feel miserable and dead inside, unlike the books we read for this blog that accidentally make you feel miserable and dead inside. That being said, I’m actually not sure what there is for me to say about a Cormac McCarthy novel? That hasn’t been said already? It’s a little slow at times, especially at the end, so I maintain that anyone new to McCarthy should pick up All The Pretty Horses first (which also gets slow, but in a way that works towards getting you in the character’s head a bit better, I think).

But one thing that sets this apart from his Border trilogy or The Road is a clear-cut villain. Like, aside from the purposelessness of the human condition. Unlike the others I’ve read, there’s an actual antagonist in here, and – much like you’d expect from McCarthy – he is goddamned haunting. And also probably emblematic of the purposelessness of the human condition. It’s a Cormac McCarthy novel.

Can You Explain It In Terms of Other Books We Read On This Blog?

It’s like Divergent: a person obtains an unfathomably great gift by chance, people want to kill them about it, and by the end of the story it means nothing.

The Silkworm

What’s It About?

JK Rowling, who I always thought could maybe write a pretty great mystery novel since some of the better Harry Potter novels are pretty much intricate mysteries anyway, writes a series of pretty bland detective novels, featuring: 1) grumpy man detective and engaged female assistant who totally aren’t going to end up together eventually, 2) like 8000 pages before the murder mystery even gets to the murder part, and 3) suspects so forgettable I forgot which ones were red herrings and which ones were unnecessarily convoluted parts of the puzzle.

What’s It Like?

It’s the second in the series and I might give up on it at this point. Much like The Cuckoo’s Calling, it’s mildly fun, but ripe for “well, it certainly lacks some MAGIC haha get it because she wrote Harry Potter” jokes. The twist whodunnit is a bit more clever this time around, but the complete lack of memorable characters isn’t leaving me itching to go back.

Can You Explain It In Terms of Other Books We Read On This Blog?

10% the “omg who could possibly be after Christian???” mystery that was ostensibly the plot of the last Fifty Shades book, 90% the inscrutable will-they-won’t-they of the first few chapters of the first Fifty Shades book.

The Humans

What’s It About?

A science-focused alien race monitors other planets and sends one of its own on a secret mission to Earth to eliminate any information of an important scientific breakthrough, because humanity has been deemed to be a violent race without value. OR IS IT? As he spends time as an impostor among the humans, he discovers there’s more to humanity than meets the eye.

What’s It Like?

A trope goes to a world full of tropes, and learns that the tropes are different from the tropes he expected.

Can You Explain It In Terms of Other Books We Read On This Blog?

When Divergent tried to say something profound about the human condition, but it’s still mostly known as the one that’s not The Hunger Games.

Love In A Cold Climate

What’s It About?

Mildly-to-considerably scandalous events happen in upper-class life in interwar England, which either already has you riveted or not remotely interested. It’s cool. It’s a sort of parallel novel. It’s sort of the lesser of the two novels. Some of the scandals are more interesting than others (a young woman marries a MUCH OLDER MAN – it’s more interesting than it sounds) and it’s intriguing how they all meet up at the end (especially in a way that’s oddly progressive about homosexuality for 1949), but none of the characters remain especially interesting for the amount of time we spend with them.

What’s It Like?

Reading Oscar Wilde, but not. Again, you already know if your interest is piqued. Also despite the characters being largely accepting of homosexuality, it still has some dated representations of homosexual characters, so, uh, tread carefully.

Can You Explain It In Terms of Other Books We Read On This Blog?

Half Pamela but with a pathetic, sad old man (which is considerably more amusing). Half House of Night‘s over-the-top reminders that Damien is gay.

Here’s Some Music Recommendations, While We’re At It

Talking Heads are one of my favorite bands, so it’s great that at the peak of Talking Heads’ powers, two of them also started a side-project for their own experiments with the funky, rhythmic music they were making. The Tom Tom Club is well worth exploring if you’re a huge Heads fan and don’t know about this yet.

Want some South African jazz? Yeah you do. Check out Bokani Dyer.

I love Portishead. I love gentle music with weird electronic guitar shit going on subtly in the background. I like when two totally different things find a way to work together like that. God, it’s a shame The Civil Wars broke up.

So last weekend I went to the Young Adult Literature Weekend in London, which was awesome. During the panel on feminism, the discussion turned to the issue of likeable female characters, which I know is something Matt has touched on a lot in the past, and it’s sparked a few discussions between us. One of the panelists pointed out that real people make mistakes, so we should stop being so hard on female characters that make mistakes, and I agree 100%. However, I still stand behind the fact that I think Zoey is terrible. There are plenty of female characters I love who, yeah, make mistakes I think are stupid, but I still love the characters.

I’ll try not to get too far into this, but Grey’s Anatomy does female characters really well. For instance, Meredith Grey is one of the loves of my fictional life, but she is definitely not always likeable. She’s made stupid decisions in the past. She can be so fucking prickly and pushes people away and can be really cold and abrasive and rude to people. But just like, sometimes when she smiles! Or when she’s with her best friends! BUT I FUCKING LOVE HER.

I may do a longer post on this in the future because I have a lot of thoughts, but in summary, it’s okay to not like all female characters. Also, if I’m going to invest a lot of time and energy into following a character around on their journey, I kind of do want to like them. I’m not saying they have to fit a cookie-cutter mould of what a character should be and always make the right decisions, but there should be something about them that is likeable. I feel no such connection to Zoey.

Chosen Chapter 24

After appearing from behind a tree, Erik confronts Zoey about that time she cheated on him with Loren in a public venue and Erik walked in on them. Both parties come away looking absolutely terrible in this situation. Even though it was certainly to be expected that Zoey would look bad, I hadn’t prepared myself for just how ridiculous her justifications are for doing this to Erik.

“I’m so sorry Erik!” I managed to blurt. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t want you to find out like that.”

“Yeah,” he said coldly. “Finding out my girlfriend, who has been playing oh-so-innocent with me, is really a slut would have been no problem if you’d, I don’t know, advertised it in the school paper. Yeah, that would have been way better.”

I get that Erik is hurting, but I didn’t realize he had this kind of poison inside him. We got hints of his meanness in earlier chapters, sure, but I don’t think genuinely nice people, even in moments of extreme duress, would say weird and creepy things about advertising slutty behaviour in a school newspaper.

Can you imagine if Zoey had done something so strange? He certainly wouldn’t have been like, “Sure, this is bad, but at least I didn’t walk in on you having sex with a professor.”

I flinched at his hateful tone. “I’m not a slut.”

“Looked like you were doing a good imitation of one. And I knew it!” he yelled. “I knew there was something going on between you two! But I was so damn stupid I believed you when you said it wasn’t true.” His laugh was completely humorless. “God, I’m an idiot.”

“Erik, we didn’t mean for this to happen, but Loren and I are in love. We tried to stay away from each other, but we just couldn’t.”

Zoey, no, don’t say these things! Do you honestly think that will make this situation better for anyone involved? “OH well, if your love is true, than you aren’t a slut.” Erik never in a million years said. Sure, I guess she is trying to make sense of this crazy, mixed up world for both of them, but she could have broken up with Erik before doing anything with Loren. AND in the next breath, she and Erik both talk about how they’d been falling in love with each other. I get the feeling that if Erik hadn’t walked in on Zoey and Loren, she would have just kept finding reasons to justify staying with both of them.

“You have got to be kidding! You actually believe that asshole loves you?”

“He does love me.”

Erik shook his head and laughed humorlessly again. “If you believe that, then you’re stupider than Iam. He’s using you, Zoey. There’s only one thing a guy like him wants from a girl like you, and he got it. When he’s had enough of it, he’ll dump you and move on.”

I may not like Erik or agree with his methods, but he has a point here about Loren’s intentions. I don’t think he’s right about everything, like Loren’s motivations, but I think he’s spot on that Loren doesn’t love Zoey. I say that like I’m not like two books ahead at this point, but I had that same thought when I read this the first time, so it’s acceptable I keep it in here.

I know I should be focussed on more of the joke making and less of the concern over the way Erik has handled himself, but it’s really riled me up.

My stomach twisted. I felt like his words were stabbing me in the heart. “I thought I was falling in love with you, too,” I said softly, blinking my eyes hard to keep from crying.

“Bullshit!” he yelled. He sounded mean even though I could see tears filling his eyes. “Stop playing games with me. And you think Aphrodite is a hateful bitch? You make her look like a fucking angel!“

He started to back away from me. “Erik, wait. I don’t want it to end like this between us,” I said,feeling tears spill over and fall down my cheeks.

“Stop crying! This is what you wanted. This is what you and Blake planned.”

Think, Erik, think. Why would ZOEY have planned on you to walk in on this? It seems like something Loren might have planned given he’s the worst.

Erik runs away into the night where he belongs. I’VE CHANGED!!!!!!

Distraught, Zoey goes to talk to Loren. She knows he can make things right:

As I approached it I could see that the door was cracked and I heard Loren’s voice trickle out from inside. He was laughing. The sound brushed against my skin, washing through the pain and sadness the scene with Erik had caused. I’d been right to come to him. I could already almost feel his arms aroundme. Loren would hold me and call me “love” and “baby” and tell me that everything would be all right.

It’s funny how to one person (me) those could be the most repulsive things Loren could say, but to someone else (Zoey) they could be a great comfort. You know, one man’s trash.

But there is no “love” or “baby” to be said here.

Then she laughed, low and musical and seductive, and my world stopped.

It was Neferet.

NEFERET!

Neferet re-iterates her whole master plan with Loren, which is a totally natural thing to do during foreplay/with the door open (so obviously she knows Zoey is there, right, and this is all for her benefit?)

“You’ve done well, my darling. Now I know what she knows, and everything is coming togetherperfectly. It will be a simple thing to continue to isolate her. I just hope the part you have to play isn’ttoo unpleasant for you.” Neferet’s voice was teasing, but there was an edge of hardness to it.“

She’s easy to lead around. A shiny present here, a pretty compliment there, and you have true loveand a popped cherry sacrificed to the god of deception and hormones.” Loren laughed again. “Young girls are so ridiculous—so predictably easy.”

He’s not wrong, Zoey did not ask any of the right questions about this situation.

Neferet continues to talk to Loren about keeping Zoey busy and making sure she stays away from her friends. She also calls Loren out for imprinting on Zoey, which was apparently off-script. Wrong move, Loren.

“I guess I underestimated my acting abilities. I’m just relieved that there’s nothing real between us—saves me from the messy emotions and bond that would go with a true Imprinting.” He laughed. “Like the one she had with that human boy. He must have experienced some nasty pain when that was broken. Weird that she was able to Imprint so fully with him before she’s Changed.”

Thank for conveniently explaining all that in such natural dialogue, Loren. So now we know that when Zoey inevitably breaks this disastrously gross imprint, it won’t be totally horrible for both of them. Also, always a good time to slip in yet another, “ZOEY’S NOT LIKE OTHER FLEDGLINGS” comment.

“More proof of her power!” Neferet snapped. “Even though she has been ridiculously easy to leadastray for a Chosen One. And don’t pretend to complain that she Imprinted with you. You and I both know it just made the sex more pleasurable for you.”

Damn, the truth comes out. You have to wonder, why is Neferet with this guy? She’s evil, but she could definitely do better.

“Well, I can tell you that it was damned inconvenient that you sent the gallant Erik to find his little girlfriend so soon. Couldn’t you have given me a few more minutes to finish up?”

Damn, more truths come out. Maybe Erik realized it was pretty weird that he stumbled on Loren and Zoey, and that’s why he accused it of being their plan? If so, kudos to him for getting halfway there. Again, though, it seems pretty weird he’d think Zoey would have been part of that planning process.

The pillow talk continues to be terrible:

Neferet easily pulled away from him, but the gesture was more teasing than mad. “I’m not angry. I’m pleased. Your Imprint breaking the bond with the human boy has left Zoey even more alone. And it’s not like your Imprint with the chit is permanent. It’ll dissolve when she Changes, or dies,” she finished with a mean little laugh. “But would you rather it didn’t dissolve? Perhaps you’ve decided you prefer youth and naïveté to me?”

“Never, love! I’ll never want anyone like I want you,” Loren said. “Let me show you, baby. Let me show you.” He moved quickly to the end of the bed and took her into his arms. I watched his hands roam down her body, a lot like he’d touched me not long before.

I’ve learned so much about Imprinting from Neferet and Loren’s sexual encounter. Eternal gratitude.

Neferet faces the door, while she and Loren start to get it on, and she sees Zoey. Zoey’s got to get the hell out of there, so she flees into the night. Zoey is crying and falling apart, but luckily Aphrodite shows up to be amazing. She is literally wandering around with Corona and mangos. I love her.

Of course, Zoey tries to push Aphrodite away, so she leaves (but you just know she’s not actually abandoning Zoey, so don’t judge her). Then Darius, one of the Sons of Erebus shows up. I only mention this because he becomes important later, and he is wonderful. REMEMBER DARIUS AND HIS AWESOMENESS FOREVER.

He doesn’t say anything too significant here, he’s really kind to Zoey, and explains some stuff about places of power:

Darius nodded slowly. “It is a place of power. I am not surprised you were drawn here.”

“Here?”

I blinked and looked around. And then—ohmygod— realized exactly where I was. “This is the east wall near the trapdoor.”

“Yes, Priestess, it is. Even the barbaric humans sensed its power enough so that they left Professor Nolan’s body here.” He motioned over his shoulder just outside the wall to the place Aphrodite and I had found Professor Nolan. It was also where I’d found Nala (or rather, where she’d found me), where I’d cast my first circle, had my first glimpse of what would turn out to be the undead dead kids, and where I’d called on the elements and Nyx to break through the memory block Neferet had placed on my mind.

Zoey asks for some privacy to pray, and Darius kindly warns her that if she leaves the perimeter, Sons of Erebus will basically swarm the area thanks to the spell Neferet cast on the place. After Darius leaves, Zoey’s cat shows up because I guess everyone is just hanging out in this one area tonight.

If Erik really was meant to be a good guy through and through, I think he should have been written very angrily, yes, but with more of a focus on the lies and Zoey being careless with his feelings. It seems like he was just really mad she wouldn’t have sex with him. What did all of you think about this? Am I being too hard on Erik given the circumstances?

More importantly, what did you think of the Neferet/Loren plot? I do like that for once the simple answer wasn’t just, “Zoey gets all the boys!” I also like that it wasn’t until Zoey slept with Loren that I started going, “This guy is being too creepy, something is up, I think he’s working with Neferet.”

I assure you, we’ve heard about the gender-swapped Twilight. Serious question, though: are people actually interested in us reading that? Apparently it isn’t even the whole thing (at least Meyer has a better grasp on the art of the gimmick than E L James does) and we’ve said we’ll never do Twilight because it’s been done… but maybe IT IS TIME?

House of Night: Chosen Chapter 25

Making matters even worse, Zoey’s friends show up. This sounds like the sort of thing that would make a situation better, but Zoey’s friends… If Zoey were Luke Skywalker, Zoey’s friends wouldn’t be Han, Leia, etc. They’d be the stormtroopers who miss all their shots.

“Well, crap, Aphrodite, you were right. She does look majorly like shit,” Shaunee said. […]
“I do not think it’s particularly appropriate to give accolades to Aphrodite for her being right that something is seriously wrong with Zoey.”
“Damien, I really wish,” Erin began.
“You’d stop with the damn Sylvan Learning Center vocab bullshit,” Shaunee finished for her.
“Would you two cease and desist, and perhaps get a dictionary?” Damien said primly. […]

They’re discovered their friend crying, and who wouldn’t shittalk their friends at such a time for, uh, not having a dictionary. Wow, I really miss how little the House of Night C-listers were in the book up until now.

I know it’s weird, but their bickering sounded wonderful.

Shut the fuck up, Zoey.

Zoey listens to them bicker and make terrible jokes for a little bit longer (even Aphrodite can’t manage anything better than “Die Dorkamese Twins”, which barely even seems like words), then decides to tell them about Loren and Stevie Rae, “before my lies and my secrets pissed them off so much that I lost them”. Which is a good time for Jack to pull Erik out of thin air, because apparently all my chapters this week are about teenage boys slut-shaming their girlfriends.

[Erik’s] deep, expressive voice was a sneer.
“You want to tell them, honey, or should I? […] Our Z’s been fucking Loren Blake.”

Zoey’s friends behave like totally real human people in response to this news.

“The guy we’ve been talking about eating like he was a Dove chocolate bar all semester?”

There’s a lot of bad writing in House of Night, but every now and again something is so jarringly unnatural that I have to wonder what was going on in the Casts’ writing room:

Cast #1: Hey. So what should Zoey’s friends say about learning that Zoey has been cheating on Erik.
Cast #2: With Heath?
Cast #1: No. The other one that they didn’t already know Zoey is cheating on Erik with.
Cast #2: Their teacher?
Cast #1: Yeah.
Cast #2: So they also just learned that their friend is a victim of a sexual predator who lives on campus with them?
Cast #1: Yeah.
Cast #2: Hm. Tough one. Maybe a joke about how good a very popular brand of chocolate is?
Cast #1: Perfect!
Cast #2: Hey, should they also seem at least partly concerned about how Erik’s taking being cheated on?
Cast #1: What?
Cast #2: Nevermind. That was dumb.

*both Casts high five*

Speaking of Erik’s reaction, obviously this isn’t a black and white issue.  Sure, he has every right to be angry, but there’s something especially nasty about the way he’s expressing his anger. Which in true House of Night fashion, is the emotional nuance of “just call everyone a slut”.

“Yeah, and your word is something they can really trust,” Erik said. “She’s a lying slut. She used all of you just like she used me.”
“All right, time for you to shut up now,” Aphrodite said.
Erik laughed, “Oh, that’s perfect. One slut standing up for another.”

So there was a lot of discussion on the blog yesterday about this! Everyone pretty much agrees Zoey is awful and Erik is awful (good job, readers!), but a lot of people wanted to emphasize that this wasn’t an unrealistic fight, especially for two teenagers. And that’s a very good point. And realistic characters have not been one of this series’ strengths, to put it mildly.

But that praise aside, once you pan out to the bigger picture of House of Night‘s long history of slut shaming, you have to wonder what Erik’s nastiness is really doing in this story. Let us continue.
Aphrodite puts her foot down and uses her earth powers to threaten Erik to shut up or she’ll beat him up with a tree.

I heard the warning sounding cracking of wood.

At least I think that’s what “warning sounding cracking” means.

“You do not want to piss me off anymore,” she said. “You claim to care so much for Zoey, but you’ve turned on her like a mangy-ass dog because she hurt your little ego.”

So on the one hand, House of Night just called out a male character for being angry in a sexist way, which is good! Just because someone is entitled to be angry, they’re not entitled to be sexist about it.

But at the same time… Zoey’s fucking awful? And 99% of people in this situation would turn against that person, regardless of their emotions? Because it’s possible to care about someone and be angry at them at the same time? And the “little ego” quip kind of feels more about Aphrodite than it does about Zoey? And nobody else seems to have any kind of reaction to how Erik isn’t really retaining the moral high ground with the poisonousness of his reaction? 

And nobody seemed to care when everybody, including Erik, knew Zoey was already cheating on him with Heath? Seriously, why does nobody in this book remember that? Does nobody else think it’s weird that Zoey’s sustained cheating with one person was received with, at absolute worst, grumpy acceptance, but now OMG ZOEY CHEATED? When you weigh the two scenarios against each other, you kind of have to ask… in the world of House of Night, is it cheating that’s bad? Or is it sex that’s bad?

I look forward to reading your many, many comments

Erik leaves, but suddenly things get even worse as undead Stevie Rae makes a surprise appearance underneath the trapdoor! Zoey quickly tries to explained to her flabbergasted friends why their friend who died a month ago is standing in front of them.

“Stevie Rae isn’t dead,” I told them.
“Yeah, I am,” Stevie Rae said. I sighed.
“Stevie Rae. We are so not going to have this argument again.”

I mean, after she argues with an undead person about what their personal experience is. Priorities.

Stevie Rae explains that she’s there because she got a text from Zoey to meet her there, which makes Zoey realize she made another huge mistake. Although she seems to have figured out way more than it is possible for her to actually know about said mistake:

Loren. He’d taken my phone. He’d text messaged Stevie Rae. Or more accurately, Neferet had probably done the actual texting.

On top of that Zoey worries that Stevie Rae must have triggered the alarm, but Aphrodite and Damien point out that Neferet’s spell only applies to “any human, fledgling, or vampyre”, none of which apply to Stevie Rae. Zoey does not begin arguing whether Stevie Rae is alive with them, however.

The chapter ends with everyone hugging Stevie Rae. This book also ends next week, so if anyone has any prediction for what on earth could possibly happen to wrap up the narrative, your guess is as good as mine.

Guess what? Our Patreon is live! You can check it out to see all the excitement for yourself, but in short, it’s an easy way for anyone who would like to support us to give a monthly donation to BBGT, and get a little something extra back in return. We’re new to Patreon, though, so hopefully it proves dead simple for everyone involved. But I digress: it’s now possible to support us on Patreon, and we, as always, are extremely thankful for your readership and support. Go check it out!

Sweet Valley High: Secrets Chapter 5

Elizabeth had never seen her sister in such a good mood. Jessica was making her positively dizzy, flying around the room like a hyperactive bumblebee as she got ready to spend Saturday night out with Cara.

It truly is heart-warming to see a teenage girl who really know how to follow her bliss. Even if that bliss comes from wreaking havoc on the lives of everyone around her. Who knew ruining Ronnie and Enid’s relationship was the key to Jessica’s happiness.

Elizabeth politely asks Jessica where she’s off to, and Jessica tries to pique her interest by being withholding and mysterious. Uninterested in indulging Jessica, Elizabeth is like, “Cool, no fucks were given anyway.”

This of course immediately breaks Jessica’s spirt, and causes her to pressure Elizabeth to guess where she’s going. She really wants to be the center of her twin’s world. Elizabeth is the one person that has wormed her way into Jessica’s heart even though she’s always messing things up for her by ruining her reputation and any outside relationships Elizabeth tries to cultivate. Such a complicated relationship they have.

Elizabeth doesn’t cave to Jessica’s desires:

“OK. Let me see . . . you’ve been invited to a White House reception and your fairy godmother is getting ready to turn a zucchini from Mom’s garden into a jet.”

Jessica threw a hairbrush at her sister, missing her by several inches. “Very funny.” She was trying very hard not to laugh.

I feel like Elizabeth is really starting to come into her own. You know, telling jokes, impressing Jessica with her cool disinterest and good sense of humor.

“OK.” Elizabeth giggled. “I give up. Where are you going?”

“To a party at Lila’s. You could’ve been invited, too, if you tried a little harder to be friends with Lila.”

Elizabeth points out that she cares even less about being friends with Lila than she did about where Jessica was going tonight.

Elizabeth shrugged. “Why should I? I think she’s a phony.”

“No phonier than some of your friends,” Jessica shot back. “I won’t mention any names, but I think you know who I mean. Her first initial is E—and I’m not talking about E.T., either.”

Jessica, you are really losing your touch. I don’t think Elizabeth has even met E.T.

The girls continue to debate the finer points of Lila Fowler’s family, when Jessica reveals that Lila could be a cat dressed as a teenage girl for all she cares, Bruce Patman is going to be at the party, so she has to be there. I thought this book had just picked up right where the last one left off, but it seems like Jessica has really climbed the social ladder quite quickly between the books! She’s really among the elite now.

Elizabeth heads back to her room so Jessica can get ready in peace (AKA so she can try to preserve some of her sanity), and she realizes it’s been 24 hours since her double date with Enid. Enid still hasn’t returned any of her phone calls! Really! What could be going on with her? Elizabeth gives one last ring, and this time she gets through to a very angry Enid.

“You don’t sound all right. Aren’t you going to tell me what happened last night?”

Enid laughed, but it was a dry, harsh sound. “I’m surprised you have to ask, Liz. I should think it would be pretty obvious to you.”

“What are you talking about? Enid, hey, it’s me, Liz. What’s going on with you? Look, I’m sorry if I told you to level with Ronnie. Was he upset when you told him? Is that it?”

“Upset?” Enid choked. “Yeah, I’d say he was upset, all right. Only I wasn’t the one who told him.”

“So he knows about the police record. Big deal. He’ll get over it in a day or two. After all, it happened such a long time ago. It has nothing to do with you and Ronnie now.”

“He knows about the letters.” Elizabeth gasped. “How could he have found out? You and I were the only ones who knew!”

“That’s right,” Enid replied icily.

“Oh, Enid, you couldn’t possibly think—”

“What am I supposed to think?” Enid was crying now. “You tell me.”

Everyone is always so quick to turn on poor Elizabeth. At this point, how is Enid’s first thought not like, “JESSICA HAS THE HOUSE BUGGED!”

“Why should I believe you? You’re the only one who knew about those letters. The only one. I confided in you. It had to be you. Oh, Liz, how could you do this to me?”

That is so harsh. This friendship ending is hard to handle, especially because she’s not even giving Elizabeth a chance!

Jessica shows up, and for some reason Elizabeth tells her everything! I know she’s vulnerable, but this is a bad move.

Of course, this is everything Jessica ever wanted and more:

“It’s so unfair! How could she accuse you of such a thing? There must have been some mistake. Enid probably let it slip out about the letters herself, and now she wants to blame someone else. I always knew she was just using you, Lizzie. I saw right through her from the very beginning. You’re better off without her.”

It’s scaring me how much Jessica wants to isolate Elizabeth from everyone else, but then at the end of the chapter she just skips off to get ready for her party with her friends.

“Don’t you see? It’s the principle of the thing. How could he ever trust her again, knowing how she’d covered up the truth? Honestly, Liz, I think it’s better Ronnie did find out. Whoever told him about the letters was doing him a big favor.”

“But who?” cried Elizabeth. “Who would have done such a hideous thing?”

She looked up to ask Jessica’s opinion, but her twin was off again in a whirlwind of preparation for the party. Clearly, the subject was beginning to bore her.

Gee, yeah, who could have done such a hideous thing? Maybe the person who is always doing all the hideous things. I really think that there should be a Pretty Little Liars/Sweet Valley High crossover, because Jessica is definitely A.

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Anyway, back to business.

Sweet Valley High: Secrets Chapter 6

Jessica is at a party. A high school party.

Jessica’s friend Lila is throwing a badass party with the coolest kids, naturally. Her parents are even out of town! She even stole wine from the wine cellar! Yep! By my calculations, we’re just a hot tub and a seven minutes in heaven closet away from THE COOLEST PARTY EVER.

Don’t believe me?

Lila pressed a glass of red wine into Jessica’s hand. “Try some,” she said and giggled. “It’s really good French stuff. I snitched a couple of bottles from my dad’s wine cellar, but I’m sure he won’t notice.” […]
“I can’t believe your father lets you have parties like this when he’s not here,” she said to Lila.
A tiny frown creased Lila’s forehead. “Well— I didn’t exactly tell him I was having a party.”

SAY WHAAAAAAAAA-

-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Yes, it’s the coolest and most stereotypical of high school parties! Right down to the… maid.

Everything about Fowler Crest was elegant, from the magnificently landscaped grounds to the uniformed maid who had taken their coats when they had come in.

Ok, I’m maybe calling bullshit on “I’m having this cool party AND MY PARENTS WILL NEVER KNOW please just give your coats to the help”. But aside from that, HIGH SCHOOOOOOOL. What else are we missing? Angst? Definitely angst.

“Besides, it’s his own fault for not spending more time at home.”

Jessica, Lila, and Dana drink their ALCOHOL and GOSSIP. Also, Dana is the “lead singer for The Droids, Sweet Valley High’s answer to the Rolling Stones”, which is clearly very important for you to know/believe. Anyway, gossip:

“Have you heard the news about Ronnie and Enid?” Cara whispered, catching sight of Ronnie standing over by the fireplace. [She] nudged Jessica in the ribs. “Ronnie doesn’t look too happy. Why don’t you go over there and cheer him up?”
“No, thanks, I’m saving myself.” She perched on a stool and crossed her legs, making sure her hemline was just far enough above her knee to make it interesting.

I give that move a Jessica on a scale from 1 to Jessica.

Unfortunately, Jessica immediately receives some devastating news.

“If you mean Bruce, you can forget it,” said Lila. “He’s not coming. […] He called at the last minute to tell me he was going to some bash at the college. You know Bruce, always hanging around with older women.”

Oh no! How is Jessica taking this news?

Jessica’s heart plummeted into her shoes— Elizabeth’s shoes, actually, which she’d borrowed.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Sweet Valley High has the greatest prose ever.

Lila goes on, explaining that Bruce is taking a college girl to the dance! Jessica reevaluates her position. And her needlessly complicated plan, which – once again, because this really isn’t something that can be glossed over – involves breaking up her sister’s best friend with her boyfriend in order to get a completely unaffiliated boy to dance and subsequently fall in love with her.

Jessica didn’t discourage easily, either. She was already halfway there— thanks to Enid’s letter.

Somehow.

Jessica squelched a tiny twinge of guilt as she remembered how upset Elizabeth had been. After all, how was she to know Enid would blame her sister? Really, the whole thing was Enid’s fault from start to finish. People who left letters lying around for anyone in the world to see were just begging for trouble.

In any other book, I’d point out how this character’s logic is completely ridiculous. But with this book, nobody ever remembers that Jessica is a manipulative, sociopathic mastermind, so I kinda have to agree and criticize literally everyone else for being ridiculous.

Speaking of ridiculous, though: Jessica’s plan.

With her eye on Ronnie, she slithered off her stool and made straight for her prey.
“Hey, heartbreaker,” she drawled, linking her arm through Ronnie’s.

Jessica sends out some feelers for how Ronnie is feeling about Enid.

“Enid!” He looked as if she’d just injected him with poison. “No thanks, I’d be better off with Benedict Arnold.”

Still rationally, I see.

Jessica sort of tries to tell Ronnie that he “shouldn’t be so hard on her”, throwing out some platitudes like “just remember, appearances can be deceiving”. But mostly doing this:

“Since you don’t have a date and I don’t have a date,” she suggested, “why don’t we go together?”
He looked at her as if she’d just suggested he carry her cross-country on his back. “I, uh, gosh, Jessica…”
“Just as friends, of course.”
“It does make sense,” he agreed then.

The prose continues to be the greatest.

“Well, there’s certainly no point in sitting home and getting even more depressed, is there?” she asked.
“I guess not.” He looked slightly bewildered, like someone who’d been picked up by a tornado and dropped in a foreign land.

And thus Jessica’s needlessly complicated Mouse Trap of a plan continues to inexplicably chug along like this:

Even though we all know that by the end of the story, it’s mostly going to just look like this:

It’s now possible to support us on Patreon, and we, as always, are extremely thankful for your readership and support. Go check it out!

It’s October, which means it’s time for our annual reading of a beloved Goosebumps classic! BUT WHICH ONE DO WE CHOOSE?!!??!

This is one of the most important decisions you will ever make, so choose wisely.

When we last left off, Erik “I’VE CHANGED” Night had returned from running off into the darkness, despairing over Zoey’s betrayal, to reveal all of Zoey’s discretions. Also, Stevie Rae showed up because for some reason Neferet texted her from Zoey’s phone? You may hate her, but Neferet really is a very skilled, evil mastermind. She knew just when Erik would confront Zoey and her pals AND that Stevie Rae would show up just as Zoey was about to reveal the truth to them anyway.

House of Night, Chosen, Chapter 26:

Damien and the twins are currently hugging Stevie Rae, and she insists they put an end to this immediately. Some might argue this is because of her lack of humanity, but I argue it’s because of her growing realization that these people are terrible.

Beloved friends that they are, the gang tells Stevie Rae that she smells but that they don’t care. Wow, that is a pretty bad way to greet your not dead dead undead friend. The way to convince someone you don’t care how bad they smell is by pointing out how bad they smell.

“Hey, nerd herd members who are still alive,” Aphrodite called from where she’d retreated to under the big oak tree. “I suggest you step away from the undead dead kid. She bites.”

“You bite!” Shaunee snapped.

“Bitch!” Erin said.

“She’s telling you the truth,” Stevie Rae said. Then she looked from Damien and the Twins to me.“Explain it to them.

Aphrodite hasn’t done anything awful in…wait, what did she even do that was so awful at the beginning? Basically, my point is this bickering is not entertaining anymore, and the fact that I’m now a couple books ahead and their dynamic is exactly the same annoys me more than people who sit next to you on the bus when every other seat is empty. The Casts clearly came up with “nerd herd” together one night and then never had the heart to let it go.

Zoey gets everyone up to speed on the Stevie Rae sitch. She’s lacking humanity but holding on, and it’s up to the gang to heal her!

The Twins and Damien were quiet for what seemed like a long time. And then Damien said,“You’ve known about this for a month and you haven’t said anything to any of us?”

“You let us think that Stevie Rae was dead,” Shaunee said.

“You acted like you thought she was dead, too,” Erin said.

“Morons! She couldn’t tell you. You have no idea what kind of forces are at work here,” Aphrodite said.

To an extent, I do understand that Zoey’s friends have just been given a lot of shocking information, and it makes sense that they’d be mad that they were led to believe Stevie Rae was actually dead. However, if Aphrodite immediately chimed in and said there was something else going on, I might try to figure out what that was. Instead, they all just turn on Zoey immediately.

“I don’t care what Aphrodite said. We’re your friends. Your best friends. You should have told us,”Damien said.

“Extenuating circumstances?” Erin said. “Seems Aphrodite is suddenly a part of those circumstances.”

“Were there extenuating circumstances when you kept Loren a secret?” Shaunee said. Her voice was guarded. Her dark eyes narrowed at me warily.

Shaunee, you are being really harsh. FAIR ENOUGH if you are mad about the Stevie Rae stuff, but it’s pretty obvious why Zoey would keep the Loren stuff a secret, and it also has nothing to do with what’s happening right now. Shaunee. Do you remember the time Zoey asked you to keep it a secret that she was going to break up with Heath, and you and Erin immediately told Erik? YOU ARE NOT ALL THAT TRUSTWORTHY.

“How are we supposed to trust you if you keep things from us?” As usual, Damien summed up everyone’s feelings in one simple sentence.

Serious question – when has this ever happened before? At this point, the Casts could have written, “As usual, Damien was drinking a box of chocolate milk while he was speaking.” And I would be forced to just go along with it.

The twins and Damien agree that they’ll help heal Stevie Rae, but they don’t trust Zoey anymore. They sure are quick to turn on a beloved friend without even trying to find out why she would have kept these things from them. I have been sat here for about ten minutes trying to think back to when I was their age and how I or people I knew would have reacted in a similar, but less vampyre-y situation. I just don’t know. I really would have thought that Stevie Rae’s appearance would have clued them up that crazy things are going on, but I suppose tensions are running high.

It’s time to cast the circle to save Stevie Rae, but,

“We don’t have any candles,” Damien said.

“I can run and get some,” Jack said. He didn’t even look at me, but spoke directly to Damien.

I completely forgot Jack was still here. Why does he feel betrayed by Zoey?

“No. We don’t have time for that,” I said. “We don’t need candles. We have the ability to manifestthe elements. Candles are just ceremonial.” I paused and added, “But I think you should probably go,Jack. I’m not sure what all’s going to happen and I don’t want to take a chance you might get hurt.”

“O-okay,” he stuttered. He put his hands in his pockets and walked slowly away.

“Looks like tonight we do away with ceremony,” Damien said, giving me a hard look.

“Yeah, tonight we do away with a lot of things.” Shaunee was watching me, but it felt like her eyes were those of a stranger. Erin nodded in silent but complete agreement with her.

This is so extreme. It really makes me question the strength of their supposed best-friendship. Damien is portrayed as this empathetic, rational person, and I would have thought that he at least might be interested in finding out what was actually going on. The twins are completely useless. And Jack is apparently still a character in this series.

CIRCLE TIME FOR REAL MINUS JACK!

Stevie Rae is angry that Aphrodite is standing in for Earth, but Zoey tells her to suck it up. All does not go well, though:

“No!” The word was an almost unrecognizable snarl of rage and despair. “She can’t be earth! I’m earth! It’s all that’s left of me! I won’t let her take it away!”

With blinding swiftness, Stevie Rae hurled herself on Aphrodite.

“No! Stevie Rae, stop it!” I cried, trying to pull Stevie Rae off her, but it was like trying to move a marble column. She was too strong. Aphrodite had been right. Stevie Rae wasn’t human or fledgling or vampyre. She was something more—and that more meant more dangerous. She was holding Aphrodite in an ugly parody of an embrace. I saw the sharp glint of her fangs and then Aphrodite screamed as Stevie Rae buried her teeth into her neck.

“Help me get her off!” I yelled, looking desperately at Damien and the Twins as I kept trying to pull Stevie Rae from Aphrodite.

“I can’t!” Damien cried. “I can’t move.”

“We can’t either!” Shaunee said.

The three of them had been rooted into place by their elements. Damien was being pressed to the ground by a furious wind. Shaunee was surrounded by a cage of fire. Erin was suddenly encased in a pool of bottomless water.

That sounds hilarious. Not the biting bit, but I want to see what it looks like that a furious wind is pressing Damien to the ground? And how is the pool of water bottomless? I hope a really stylish pool just appeared out of thin air to keep Erin in place. The cage of fire makes sense.

Damien tells Zoey she has to close the circle, so as usual magical words come to her, and she does some magical things, and then:

Now it was Aphrodite who was clutching Stevie Rae and forcing her to keep drinking from the wound on her neck. Stevie Rae wasstill drinking her blood, but she was struggling to stop—trying to pull away.

I rushed forward to try to separate them again, but when I hit the bubble of power it was like walking into a glass door. I couldn’t get through it, and I had no idea how to open it.

“Aphrodite! Let her go! She’s trying to stop before she kills you!” I cried.

Aphrodite’s eyes met mine. Her lips didn’t move, but I heard her voice clearly inside my head. No. This is how I make up for everything I caused. This time it’s me who was Chosen. Remember, I made this sacrifice freely.

Seriously, what did Aphrodite do that was so bad? I know you shouldn’t bully people and be mean to them, but I think a sincere apology is a good first step towards making amends.

The bubble of power (NOT MY WORDS) pops, and Zoey knows that Stevie Rae is Stevie Rae again, but is Aphrodite dead?!??!

“Her face!” Damien’s voice came from just behind me. “Look at her Mark.”

I blinked, not really understanding, and then I gasped. I’d been so busy looking into her eyes, sobusy seeing the old Stevie Rae, that I hadn’t noticed the obvious. The crescent moon that rested in themiddle of her forehead had been filled in. A beautiful pattern of tattoos made of swirling flowers with long, graceful stems all twined together framed her eyes and stretched down her cheek bones.

But the tattoos weren’t vampyre sapphire. They were the brilliant scarlet of new blood.

Aphrodite, who thank Nyx is not dead, informs everyone that Stevie Rae has Changed into a new kind of vampyre. Luckily she does not feel the need to proclaim, “I’VE CHANGED!!!!”

Tune in tomorrow to read the last chapter! I can’t believe this book is almost done already. God I love reading House of Night. 

Thank you so much to everyone that’s signed up for our Patreon so far. Matthew and I love you guys more than a Maddox bro loves a pointless, stupid, unnecessary good fight! More than Zoey loves brown pop and illicit affairs with professors! More than Uncle Jeb loves giving cave tours!