Today is the last chapter of the third House of Night book, Chosen! Spoiler: nobody appears to actually make any sort of significant choice whatsoever.

House of Night, Chosen: Chapter 27

After Zoey casts yet another motherf a circle that seems to have restored Stevie Rae back to an ambiguously new form of life, the gang realizes Aphrodite isn’t dead. Despite their best efforts.

“You were dead!” Erin said.
“I don’t think I was,” Aphrodite said, rubbing her forehead

I love how this sort of reads like they had just hopefully taken Aphrodite’s death as a foregone conclusion, like she had left the room for five minutes and they took her seat and were like, “Whaaaaaaat I thought you left!”

Things get much worse for Aphrodite, however.

I got my first good look at her. My stomach dropped down somewhere around my ankles.
“It’s gone!” I gasped.
“Oh shit! Zoey’s right,” Damien said, staring at Aphrodite.
“What?” Aphrodite said. “What’s gone?”

Just in case it wasn’t super obvious what’s going on already, we have to meet this chapter’s quota of Zoey’s friends confirming that Zoey is right about something, and also behaving like Real Human People.

“Ah-oh,” Shaunee said.
“Yep, it is gone,” Erin said

BEEP BOOP NOT ROBOTS

Seriously though. The characters in House of Night behave so unrealistically and mechanically, even the Casts secretly suspect they’re robots.

“Here’s a news flash: Not even I can look perfect all the time, especially when—” As soon as she focused on the mirror and got a look at the reflection of her face, Aphrodite’s words ended like someone had pushed her STOP TALKING button.

Man, I’d have loved to be in the Casts’ writing room for that one.

Cast #1: OH GOD OH GOD We need figurative language for someone to suddenly stop talking.
Cast #2: What if she has… like… a stop talking button…
Cast #1: CRISIS AVERTED

BEEP BOOP

It might sound strange, but we have a lot of story to get through this chapter. And yet I cannot resist the siren’s call…

STOP TALKING BUTTON, THOU ART A CRUEL TEMPTRESS

• And in that moment, I swear that someone had pressed our BE INFINITE button.
• You wanna fly, you got to press the GIVE UP THE SHIT THAT WEIGHS YOU DOWN button.
• As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found someone had pushed his TRANSFORM INTO A GIGANTIC INSECT button.

Okay. Let’s get the obvious reveal out of the way already:

With a trembling hand she reached up to touch the spot in the middle of her forehead where Nyx’s Mark had been. “It’s gone.” Her voice was a hoarse whisper. “How can it be gone?”

Everyone assures her, yes, this is very strange and unheard of. Aphrodite – in a character moment perfectly representative of the depths of the human experience available to not-Zoey characters in the House of Night series – runs away in tears.

“It’s how Stevie Rae was healed.” Aphrodite sounded dazes […] “I have to leave. I don’t belong here anymore.” […]
“Wait, Aphrodite,” I said, starting after here. […]
“No! My Mark is gone. I know it. Just-just leave me alone!” She ran through the door sobbing.

Aphrodite runs through the trapdoor, setting off Neferet’s alarms. Stevie Rae decides that she’ll go off after Aphrodite, but when she goes off under the walls, Zoey notices that an alarm is not set off. I hate to say it, but Stevie Rae might be my new favorite character, because 1) she has the only mildly interesting thing happening to her now with this un-undead thing going on, and 2) she just came back to life and immediately decided to peace from the plot anyway.

The gang quickly decides to lie about what they’re doing outside to hide Stevie Rae’s existence. Damien and the twins decide that they found Zoey here after Erik dumped her, and Aphrodite set off the alarm because… Zoey annoyed her? That’s seriously the story they come up with. I can’t knock it, though, because seeing all of Zoey’s friends throwing shade at Zoey right now 100% makes reading three House of Night books worth it.

“We’ll just say [Aphrodite] came out here with us and got annoyed at all of Zoey’s blubbering.”
“And self-pity,” Erin added.
“And lies.”

Best House of Night yet!

Not-yet-a-major-character Darius and the rest of the warriors appear and quickly take everyone back to the school for an assembly called by Neferet. Then Zoey experiences more anguish, because this chapter is like anti-fan service.

Pain seared from my stomach to my heart. Was I dying? I wasn’t coughing up blood.

Zoey’s episode of intense pain suddenly stops, leaving Darius confused and concerned. Zoey continues House of Night‘s proud tradition of coming up with impossibly shitty cover-up stories.

I lifted my chin and swallowed every last bit of my pride. “I have gas. A lot of it. Ask my friends.”

Zoey quickly realizes that she didn’t really set up quite the “and then my friends rally to my side” that she was hoping for. Unfortunately, not even Zoey’s friends shittalking Zoey can make House of Night readable.

“Yep, she’s one gassy girl,” Shaunee said.
“Miss Smelly, that’s what we call her,” Erin said.
“She really is extraordinarily flatulent,” Damien added.

Once again, I can’t remember if these characters are seventeen or seven.

They get to the auditorium, Zoey’s friends ignore her, and then Neferet takes the stage to talk about the tense relationship between humans and vampyres, and how “if they murder just one more of our sisters or brothers, I will declare a state of war against them”. Naturally, not more than one paragraph later:

The doors to the auditorium were flung open as Darius and two other warriors rushed into the room […] Neferet stepped away from the microphone and leaned down so that he could whisper to her the news. […] Slowly she returned to the microphone and in a voice like death she said, “The body of Loren Blake, our beloved Vampyre Poet Laureate, has just been found nailed to our front gate.”

I like how literally every time Loren Blake is mentioned, it’s also mentioned that he’s the poet laureate. Sorry, is the vampyre poet laureate. Sorry, was.

Given the insanely (in)convenient timing of all this, Neferet declares war. Damien also realizes that Loren and Zoey must have Imprinted, and Zoey’s pain must have been Loren’s death. Neferet further details that “it will not be an outright war, but it will be deadly”, which probably means the next book will also not actually progress the narrative.

Seriously, nothing fucking happened in Chosen. Zoey leaves the ceremony, feeling uneasy about everyone’s enthusiastic cheers for the upcoming war against humans, and Neferet secretly confronts her, which is the same damn situation these two were in at the end of the last book. Zoey tells Nefret she knows she’s evil, Neferet insists she’s going to win, Zoey insists she’s going to win because the goddess is on her side (which, I dunno, should be a fairly convincing argument…). But seriously:

“They’ll all think you’re not crying because you’re brave and strong,” I said. “But I know you’re not crying because you don’t have a heart.” […]
“Here I am, a powerful High Priestess, and here you are, a silly, stupid fledgling” […]
I shook my head […] “You caused all of this. You know it. I know it. And, more importantly, Nyx knows it.”

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED AT THE END OF THE LAST HOUSE OF NIGHT BOOK:

I heard her whisper into my ear, “If you speak against me I will make sure no human or fledgling or vampyre will believe you.” […]
“Humans and fledglings and vampyres don’t need to believe me about you because Nyx does. This is not over between us.”

Why have we made no progress? In terms of advancing the narrative, nothing happened in this book. Hell, the only important thing that did happen was Zoey and Aphrodite reviving Stevie Rae, and that’s a bit less impressive when you realize that’s essentially just undoing the events of the last book.

Neferet laughed. “You’ve used the Goddess’s name before to threaten me”

Why, yes. Yes, she has.

Now, by this point, maybe even the Casts realized, shit, book 3 has the exact same ending as book 2 and it’s gonna be pretty obvious nothing new happened during the rest of the book either unless SOMETHING HAPPENS FAST. And, oh, something does happen.

What if

I told you

this book’s climax

was Zoey pushing Neferet

…

…

…

No shit

I straightened my spine. Focusing on the five elements, I raised my hands, palms out, and without touching Neferet, I shoved. The High Priestess was thrown backward, stumbled, lost her footing, and fell smack on her butt.

The climax of this book is the same as the last book, except Zoey pushes Neferet and she falls on her butt. Sure, she uses her mind powers to do so, but the book is way more fixated on the butt part.

No shit

I cuddled [my cat, Nala]. “Some day you’re gonna jump too soon and fall right on your butt.” I smiled, remembering. “Kinda like Neferet fell right on her butt.”

Let us never forget.

Anyway, I skipped ahead to get to the bit with Zoey and her cat (because lol wtf), so let’s backtrack. In the immediate aftermath of Zoey pushing Neferet (which I feel the need to emphasize is this book’s actual goddamned climax, because seriously):

1. Zoey and Neferet whisper more heated words at each other
2. Zoey discovers that, of all people, Erik saw the exchange! In shock from what he witnessed, Erik admits maybe he doesn’t know about everything that’s going on. But that it doesn’t change “what you did”. Which, yeah.

And that would seemingly suffice, as this is not a very complicated story, but… but then there is a massive summary. I’m not even going to pick it apart. I can’t. I’m just copy/pasting this massive infodump because you guys have to see that this shit is seriously in the book:

my thoughts easily organized themselves into two neat little columns.
On the positive side: One, my best friend was no longer an undead-dead blood-crazed monster. Of course, I wasn’t really sure what she was, or, for that matter, where she was. Two, I no longer had three boyfriends to juggle. Three, I wasn’t Imprinted with anyone, which was also a good thing. Four, Aphrodite wasn’t dead. Five, I’d told my friends a whole bunch of stuff I’d wanted to tell them for a long time. Six, I wasn’t a virgin anymore.
On the negative side: One, I wasn’t a virgin anymore. Two, I no longer had a boyfriend. Not one. Three, I may have somehow caused the Vampyre Poet Laureate’s death, and if I hadn’t caused it someone in my family might have. Four, Aphrodite was a human, and clearly totally freaking out. Five, Most of my friends were pissed at me and didn’t trust me. Six, I wasn’t done lying to them because I still couldn’t let them know the truth about Neferet. Seven, I was smack in the middle of a war between vampyres (which I was not one of yet) and humans (which I was no longer one of). And, for the grand prize winner, eight, The most powerful vamp High Priestess of our time was my sworn enemy.

Speaking of neatly organized thoughts:

1. Why?
2. Seriously, why?
3. Why is the Wikipedia summary of this book at the end of this book?
4. If I knew there was a two-page summary of the book at the end of the book, I wouldn’t have read the rest of the book!
5. Is this here because the Casts thought that people would actually get to the end of this book and need it explained to them? Like, that it was too hard to follow?
6. Are the rest of the books going to be like this too? Can I read this whole series by just reading two pages of the last chapter of every book?
7. WHY?

And without further ado, it is time to see how the Casts wrap up another wonderful adventure with Zoey Redbird:

Nala sneezed directly in my face

Off to a good start so far.

As usual, Nala summed up my life perfectly: kinda funny, kinda gross, and more than kinda messy.

Also “kinda unclear how anyone can tolerate it”.

And that’s it for Chosen!

This is roughly what I look like every time I finish writing a post

We’re not sick of House of Night yet, so we’re planning on reading the fourth book next, the name of which I can’t be bothered to google right now, but is probably something like Spirited or Awesomesauced or Millennial. BUT before we do that, we’re doing our annual Goosebumps reading. Because Halloween. Ooooooooo.

In other news, I want to take a moment to thank our readers, and those who during on first week on Patreon decided to support us. I still can’t believe that people actually enjoy our work that much. In case you’re curious or haven’t looked into it yet, we just put up our first exclusive post for our Patreon supporters. It is about Ariel and myself trying desperately to make up our minds on which of the tons of book suggestions you gave us that we want to tackle next. If you’re interested in getting this sneak peek at what we’ve narrowed it down to, consider supporting us on Patreon.

But don’t forget: all of you are the best. Thank you for reading about us reading books.

You guys, I was looking up this book to find out the publication date, but THE EPISODE came up. If you go to about minute 2, you’ll get to see someone’s vision of Ronnie and Enid was brought to life. Ronnie is not how I picture him at all…  

SHAMELESS PATREON PLUG. If somehow we make it to our our goal of $200 a month, I would be very open to recapping these Sweet Valley High episodes because they are clearly everything. EVERYTHING. In exciting news, we reached our first goal, which means Matthew and I are looking into what useful customisations we could make on the blog ourselves or what new theme we may have to purchase to improve the reading experience (AKA making it easier for people to binge-read a specific book).

Sweet Valley High, Secrets Chapter 7: 

Back at school, everyone is still talking about the alleged affair between Ms. Dalton and Ken Matthews. I’m intrigued by how much attention this rumor has gotten in this book so far, and I wonder if it’s actually going to wind up being important. Either Jessica is somehow behind all of this or Ken Matthews is going to become a Main Character.

“I don’t buy it for one minute,” Elizabeth told Caroline Pearce, a member of Pi Beta Alpha sorority, after first period as they stood outside the French classroom. They were waiting for Ms. Dalton to arrive and unlock the door.

Elizabeth couldn’t remember her ever having been late before. But then everything about Ms. Dalton had seemed not quite right this past week. In class she was nervous and distracted. Elizabeth had noticed dark circles under her eyes, as if she hadn’t been sleeping well.

Hearing harmful rumors about yourself are known to be terrible for sleep. I think there have been some really interesting studies around that.

Elizabeth adds that Ms. Dalton is the bomb dot com, and it doesn’t add up that she’d be after a teenage boy. She’s right, on paper this doesn’t add up, but maybe there is more to this “Ken” fellow than meets the eye. I wouldn’t know because his word count is very low at this point.

Caroline presents an important viewpoint:

“Ken Matthews isn’t exactly a kid,” Caroline countered, primly tossing her impossibly neat red hair. Aside from Cara, she was probably the biggest gossip around— and the one person Jessica and Elizabeth could agree on disliking. “Besides, everyone knows she’s tutoring him. The question is, what is she tutoring him in?”

This seems like exactly the kind of shrewd person that Jessica would want to be friends with. Caroline is asking all the right questions – tutoring often leads to boning, so we the people have a right to know what Ken is being tutored in. Is it the ways of love? The secrets of a woman’s body? Or French?

Another new character, Olivia, leverages complex science to add authority to her argument:

“It’s the law of human nature,” put in Olivia Davidson, who worked with Elizabeth on the paper and was known for her liberal views on every subject from nuclear war to organic food. She was especially big these days on women’s rights. “A woman doesn’t reach her peak until she’s in her thirties. Men are practically burned out by then. So it makes sense, really, when you think about it. Though I still can’t imagine Ms. Dalton and Ken.”

This certainly explains why Ms. Dalton may have turned her nose up at a man in his thirties, but why not try a man in his twenties? If the rumors turn out to be true, then we can only conclude that Ken must have some irresistible, rugged charms that no woman in her right mind could say no to.

“I talked to someone in Ms. Dalton’s first-period French class who told me Ms. Dalton seemed upset, like she was on the verge of tears or something.”

“Maybe someone in her family just died,” suggested Lois, a shaggy-haired girl with oversized glasses which kept slipping down her nose as she talked.

Stop introducing new people into this conversation! All these new gossip-hungry students keep coming out of the woodwork. They’re not even adding interesting things to the discussion. Really, Lois? Someone in her family just died? Or maybe she’s heard that everyone thinks she’s sleeping with a student. If you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras, Lois.

The clown car of gossips opens to reveal yet another passenger:

Guy Chesney, keyboard player for The Droids, skidded to a stop before them, whipping out a grubby pad and a pencil stub that looked as if it had been chewed by a pack of rats. His impish brown eyes were lit up with mischief. “I’m taking a poll,” he said. “So far it’s only one out of three in Ms. Dalton’s favor. Goes to show, people always want to believe the worst. Me, I thrive on rumors.”

BE GONE!

Elizabeth wonders if anyone has just asked Ms. Dalton if there’s any truth to all of this. Thankfully, Caroline points out how absurd this is. Are they meant to just stroll into Ms. Dalton’s classroom and expect her to be like, “Yep, I’m boinking a student,” if that’s the case? I think not.

Ms. Dalton shows up for class. It’s about time, Dalton.

She seemed more subdued than usual, and she was wearing a pair of very dark sunglasses—something Elizabeth had never seen her do before. A ripple of uneasiness edged its way up her spine. Suppose, just suppose, it were true. . . .

She’s definitely guilty if she’s wearing sunglasses! You know how I know this? Because it’s never a good sign when someone is wearing sunglasses indoors, especially when that someone is a teacher.

http://www.gifwave.com/ts2/movies-reactions-cameron-diaz-bad-teacher-hungover-gif

Ms. Dalton froze as she entered the classroom. Someone had scrawled on the blackboard in large block letters:

IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT A FRENCH KISS IS, ASK KEN MATTHEWS

This is clever because she is a French teacher who might be kissing a student, and french kissing is also a thing. Whoever wrote this has a bright and promising career in comedy.

Ms. Dalton runs out of class crying. It’s not clear what happens after this and if the teens are deprived of an education because we jump ahead to Elizabeth trying to catch up with Enid after third period. It’s never a good idea to try to have a heartfelt conversation with an estranged friend between classes, there just will never be enough time to resolve the conflict before the bell rings.

“Enid, you’re my best friend. I would never betray you. You have to believe me. I swear I didn’t tell anyone about those letters.”

“The next thing you’ll be telling me is that your room is bugged.”

THAT’S WHAT I SAID! I actually think this should have been her conclusion before assuming that her best friend and the nicest person at Sweet Valley High would betray her that way. Jessica definitely would bug the room!

Elizabeth offers to talk to Ronnie to sort everything out, but Enid isn’t buying what Elizabeth is selling here. Even though what she’s selling is everlasting friendship and loyalty.

By lunchtime it was all over school that Ronnie and Enid had broken up and that Elizabeth had something to do with it. Between Ms. Dalton and Enid, the gossip mongers of Sweet Valley High were in heaven.

YOU PEOPLE ARE ANIMALS!

Jessica tries to console her sister, and she even offers to talk to Enid on behalf of Elizabeth. I have never heard a more suspicious idea in my life, and at first Elizabeth sees things my way…until Jessica is offended that anyone could be suspicious of her offer!

Jessica pretended to be hurt. “Jeez! Excuse me for breathing! I was only trying to help—you don’t have to bite my head off. I just hate seeing you this way, Lizzie. And also, maybe because I’m the tiniest bit sorry for Enid. It really is awful the way Ronnie’s been treating her.”

“Would you really talk to Enid?” Elizabeth felt her initial skepticism begin to melt beneath the warmth of Jessica’s generosity.

This is unbelievable. Elizabeth, for shame. Haven’t you met your life? How can you not see that this is all part of Jessica’s game. This is just like on Scandal when everyone is a piece of shit all the time, like Cyrus Beam for instance. Cyrus will come in and be like, “SIR, MR. PRESIDENT, I AM YOUR HUMBLE SERVANT AND FRIEND.” And everyone is like, “Awww, Cy, we love you!” And then he tries to have them all ruined for good. Always. Stop acting surprised and falling for this nonsense, people!

The chapter ends with Jessica running off to go talk to Enid. I bet this interaction will lead to more terrible misunderstandings, which is crazy because it should lead to Enid immediately figuring out that Jessica is behind all of this.

Hey, everyone. Last week was all important news about our Patreon, but today we need to talk about something else that’s very important. I grew up in the Chicago suburbs. This has instilled certain things into my identity. I currently live in New York City, which is great. But at the moment, being who I am and living where I am… is not great. I am speaking, of course, about baseball.

I am in the single worst place to be a Cubs fan right now. Pray for me.

Anyway, back to Sweet Valley High, where people have even worse problems than I do, except sort of not really.

Sweet Valley High: Secrets Chapter 8

Jessica has offered to talk to Enid about her fight with Elizabeth, which Elizabeth has agreed to. For some very unclear reason.

It was obvious Enid was in no mood for talking, but Jessica wasn’t about to let a little thing like that stand in her way.
“I know how you feel,” Jessica gushed sympathetically. “Well, actually I’ve never been dumped by anyone, but I can imagine what it’s like.”

Does Elizabeth not remember a single conversation she’s ever had with Jessica? Does she have the disease from Memento where she can’t form new long-term memories? Is Jessica that alien from Doctor Who that makes people forget they exist when they look away from them? Why are these the most rational explanations I can come up with for why Elizabeth suddenly finds Jessica so trustworthy?

“Matthew, aliens are an unfair comparison.” “What aliens? This… this is a gif about high school.”

But for whatever reason, Elizabeth has given Jessica the go-ahead to smooth things over.

“You shouldn’t be so hard on [Elizabeth],” Jessica cajoled.

Even Enid can’t comprehend what Jessica is going on about here.

“I’m sure she never meant to hurt you. You know how these things are.”
Enid stopped to look at her. “No, I don’t know how these things are,”

Jessica continues her plot to inexplicably make Enid’s life miserable because this will somehow enable her to dance with a boy who doesn’t even know Enid. It feels a bit unfair to knock a book about teenagers for sounding rather dramatic, but given that context:

“You can tell Liz to forget it. If I live to be a hundred and ninety-nine, I’ll never forgive her for this! [Elizabeth’s] still got Todd and I’ve got… nothing.” Enid choked on the last word.
“I wouldn’t exactly say that, Enid. You’ve still got George.”
“That’s right. I’ve still got George. After all, we outcasts have to stick together, right?”

I’m uncertain if this means that Jessica has suddenly somehow willed romantic feelings for George back into Enid’s brain, as though the way romance works is that you consider your remaining options and then BAM FEELINGS. But it’s not my job as a Sweet Valley High reader to understand Sweet Valley High. Jessica just does stuff and you’re just along for the ride.

“Sure you made some mistakes, but don’t worry, people aren’t going to believe everything Ronnie’s been saying about you.”
Enid seemed to fold up before Jessica’s eyes. Like a dress slipping from its hanger, she slumped down on a bench.
“What has Ronnie been saying about me?” She asked in a hoarse whisper.
Jessica slid a consoling arm about her shoulders. “Believe me, you wouldn’t want to know. I couldn’t even repeat half of it.”

Jessica continues to not be a comforting presence.

“Look at the bright side. Now you don’t have to hide in the closet anymore. It must be a relief not to wonder what people are whispering about you all the time.”

Wait, if Enid’s problem is that her past trouble with drugs and the law went from being a secret to being common knowledge, what were people whispering about her before?

Jessica’s plan to antagonize (?) Enid succeeds, and she storms off angrier with Elizabeth than ever. Jessica convinces herself that she is not the evil villain here.

Elizabeth was better off without Enid for a friend, she thought. Who knew what kind of trouble Elizabeth might get into if she hung around Enid long enough? In the long run, Jessica told herself, she was doing everyone a big favor. Including herself.

As opposed to how Elizabeth got a police record which never got rectified because of Jessica in the last book.

Since Enid was no longer with Ronnie, she couldn’t possibly get enough votes on her own to be chosen queen. Now that Enid was out of the running, Jessica could almost feel the delicious weight of the crown on her head.
“Watch out, Bruce Patman,” she murmured under her breath. “Here I come!”

This is the most straightforward explanation we’ve ever gotten of what exactly Jessica is doing and she still comes across like a Bond villain.

Later that day at home, Elizabeth learns the shocking information that Jessica and Ronnie are going to the dance together. Jessica has an explanation that only makes sense in Sweet Valley High world.

Jessica expression turned sulky. “Don’t you see? I’m doing it FOR Enid.”

“I figured the only way was for him to see Enid at the dance. If we could arrange to set them up for at least one dance, I’m sure everything will work itself out.”

Elizabeth sums it all up.

Elizabeth remained skeptical.

She tells Jessica that she isn’t sure this “it’s the best idea in the world”, but quickly backtracks when Jessica acts all offended. Jessica somehow walks away from the exchange with a free purse.

“That’s the last time I ever try to do you a favor.”
She leaped from the bed in a huff that lasted about thirty seconds – the time it took for her to plow through Elizabeth’s closet.
“I might forgive you, if you’ll loan me your beaded bag for the dance,”

Elizabeth sums it all up.

Elizabeth was left to wonder why, if Jessica was doing her such a big favor, she was the one making all the sacrifices.

It is almost as though Elizabeth is familiar with Jessica doing literally anything ever.

I think we all have an understanding that this post is dedicated to Bellomy, who is proof that persistence makes all your dreams come true. Well, if those dreams include reading Chicken, Chicken. 

Chicken, Chicken Chapter 1:

We begin with a vivid description of chickens, which really sets the tone for a scary tale:

I hate chickens.

They are filthy creatures, and they smell like… like… chickens.

I hadn’t thought of it that way before, but I guess this narrator has a point.

Crystal, our narrator, despairs over the fact that she has been tasked with feeding the family chickens. I don’t think you can fully grasp how much this child hates chickens without reading the full text, but my job is to make you understand.

I carry the seed bucket out to the backyard, and they come scurrying over, clucking and squawking and flapping their greasy wings. I hate the way they brush up against my legs as they peck the seeds off the ground. Their feathers are so rough and scratchy.

Crystal reflects on how she and her younger brother, Cole, confronted their mother about why they have chickens. In response to her horrible children’s probing, Mom shared a lovely story about how she and their father always wanted to raise chickens, and now that the family lives on a farm, it seemed like a natural course of action.

This means Crystal is stuck tending to what I think she views as God’s biggest mistake from the way she describes chickens.

Abruptly, Crystal decides to go find Cole because she’s meant to be keeping an eye on him, and she’s sure he’s up to no good. I’m going to assume this will somehow relate to chickens, but I’m not sure how we’re gonna get there.

A kindly shop owner in town informs Crystal that his brother and some friends are by Pullman’s pond. Upon finding them, Crystal discovers they intend to prunk a woman named Vanessa. Here’s some backstory on Vanessa that may give us some foreshadowing into how this all ties together with chickens:

Vanessa s like someone from a horror movie. She is kind of pretty, with long, straight black hair and a pale, white face. She dresses all in black. She wears black lipstick and black fingernail polish.

Vanessa is a mystery woman. No one knows if she’s young or old.

She keeps to herself. I’ve hardly ever seen her in town. She lives in her old farmhouse right outside of town with her black cat.

Naturally, everyone says she is some kind of sorceress.

I don’t know how there’s any other conclusion people could come to.  Despite the “frightening” stories floating around town about what Vanessa has done to children (why has this woman not been arrested or at least thoroughly questioned), Cole and friends decide that they’re still gonna go ahead and put water in Vanessa’s mailbox. Ug, children.

Hark, a voice of reason speaks out:

“Don’t do it,” Anthony suddenly chimed in.

We all turned to Anthony. He’s short and chubby and has a round face and very short black hair. He wears red-framed glasses that are always slipping down his little pug nose.

“Don’t do it,” Anthony repeated.

“Why n-not?” Franny stammered.

“Didn’t you hear what happened when Vanessa caught Tommy Pottridge?” Anthony asked in a hushed whisper. “Didn’t you hear what she did to him?”

“No!” Franny and Jeremy declared together.

I felt a tremble of fear run down my back. “What did Vanessa do to Tommy?” I demanded.

Bum bum bummmm.

Chicken, Chicken Chapter 2:

These Goosebumps‘s chapter cliffhangers are usually resolved in very unsatisfying ways, so I’m assuming Vanessa chastised Tommy for his behaviour.

“She caught him sneaking up to her house,” Anthony reported. “She did some kind of magic spell on him. She made his head blow up like a balloon.”

Okay, so maybe I was wrong, but you have to admit his punishment could have been a lot worse even in a children’s book.

There are some holes in this story that Anthony needs to address:

Anthony clamped a hand over Cole’s mouth. “It’s true!” he insisted. “Vanessa gave him a big, soft, spongy head. That’s why we don’t see Tommy around anymore!”

“But the Pottridges moved away!” Franny cried.

“That’s why they moved,” Anthony replied. “Because of Tommy’s head.”

Thanks for being so candid, Anthony.  Your story checks out; these events aren’t really open to further interpretation.

Despite these unambiguous warnings, the kids move forward with their stupid prank and are immediately caught by Vanessa. For some reason it’s Crystal and Cole who are the subjects of her “furious stare.” BUT WHY??!? They’re not the ones at fault here. Although, Cole did kind cajole his friends into doing it. This could be up for some really intense debates in the comments about who is to blame and what kind of punishment is just.

Chicken, Chicken Chapter 3:

This brief chapter is dedicated to fleeing the scene of the unforgivable crime. Back at Crystal’s house, she tries to warn everyone that they might not be in the clear just yet. Cole’s friend Jeremy suggests they just tell Vanessa they weren’t the ones who pranked her, but Cole calls him a snitch.

Crystal weighs in:

“Maybe she won’t give us a chance to explain,” I said. “Maybe she’ll just do something horrible to us.”

I started to the kitchen. “You guys want something to drink?”

I didn’t hear their replies.

I pulled open the fridge and took out a bottle of iced tea.

A second later, I opened my mouth in a loud scream of pain.

Oh my lord, these cliffhangers!

Chicken, Chicken Chapter 4:

She opens the fridge to find CHICKEN CHICKEN. Not really, though.

“The fridge door,” I managed to choke out. “I—slammed it on my hand.”

Oh. Cole, full of mirth, suggests that it was Vanessa who in fact slammed Crystal’s hand in the door. Hats off to Vanessa if she possessed this very specific kind of power, it’s pretty impressive.

“Vanessa cursed you,” Anthony said, picking up where Cole had left off. “Now your hand will probably swell up to the size of a cantaloupe.”

“And it will get soft and squishy like Tommy’s head,” Cole added gleefully. “Soft and squishy—like your brain!”

Unlike Crystal, this punk deserves everything he gets.

Cole and Anthony raised their hands in front of them and began moving them back and forth, as if casting spells on me. “You are a sponge head!” Cole cried, lowering his voice, trying to sound like a real sorcerer. “You will mop up the dinner dishes with your head!”

Knock it off. Just turn into a fucking chicken already.

Parents come home and tell Cole to go round up some of the chickens that are running around. Crystal makes a crap joke about how this job suits Cole because he looks like a rooster. For some reason everyone laughs at this like it’s not stupid! I can’t even. I know we’re on book #53 here, but let’s at least try not make this so terrible.

A few seconds later, I could hear a lot of clucking and squawking back there. And I could hear the boys shouting and complaining.

Did you ever try to herd chickens?

It isn’t easy.

No. Have you guys ever tried to herd chickens? Please share your stories chicken herding in the comments section.

That night, Crystal can’t sleep. Suddenly Vanessa is creeping around her room! Wearing a veil for some reason!

Chicken, Chicken Chapter 5:

Crystal has a lot of really reasonable questions:

How did she get in the house?

What is she going to do to me?

Pulling the veil from Vanessa’s face reveals ~~~~~~

COLE!!!!

You prick. Stop with the pranks. It’s only going to get you into trouble.

Cole makes jokes about how Crystal is a spongehead. These spongehead jokes just never go out of style.

The next morning, Crystal and her mom chat about Crystal’s basketball practice and a friend’s upcoming birthday party…and that’s when Cole comes downstairs with sores all over his face! He claims Vanessa, but I suspect prank.

Chicken, Chicken Chapter 6:

TURNS OUT IT’S JUST RED MARKER PEN. Oh, Cole. No one is gonna trust you when Vanessa inevitable enacts her much-deserved revenge.

Chicken, Chicken Chapter 7:

Cole and Anthony follow Crystal around for some reason while she’s out running errands for her friend’s birthday party. They play some stupid egg game.

This is one of their games that drives me crazy. They throw an egg back and forth, back and forth as they walk. Each time they throw it, they stand a little farther apart from each other.

The idea is to see how far they can toss the egg without breaking it.

The answer usually is: not too far.

The boys get into a fight when Cole throws the egg and it breaks on Anthony’s head. Boyyyyys!

Vanessa shows up. Please, please put an end to these horrid children, Vanessa. All the children bump into her and cause her to drop all her groceries. This poor woman.

I turned to Vanessa and nearly gasped when I saw the look of fury on her cold, pale face.

As her eyes locked on mine, I felt as if I’d been stabbed—by an icicle.

A shiver of fear made me take a step back. I grabbed Cole’s arm. I started to pull him away.

But Vanessa stepped forward, her long black dress sweeping along the sidewalk. She pointed to Cole with a slender finger tipped in black nail polish. Then she pointed at me.

“Chicken chicken,” she whispered.

Best. Cliffhanger. Ever.

How’s everyone enjoying this year’s annual Goosebumps reading? Fun fact: of the original 62 Goosebumps books, Chicken, Chicken was 53rd. It’s called Chicken, Chicken, so you can determine how R L Stine was doing in terms of ideas by this point.

Previously, Crystal and her brother Cole have had their second encounter with requisite mysterious townsperson, Vanessa. They accidentally cause her to spill her groceries, she turns them into chickens. It’s like Crime and Punishment all up in this bitch.

Basically the same deal.

Chapter 8

A smile spread over Vanessa’s black-lipsticked lips as she rasped those words at us.

“Chicken chicken.”

I gasped as if I’d been slapped.

That’s one possible reaction.

Suddenly the world starts spinning for Crystal and Cole, and they book it. Although Crystal does narrate, “Why did she say that?”, so at least we aren’t living in a world where people can just say “Chicken, Chicken” at each other and everyone pretty much gets it.

Reaching the safety of their kitchen, Crystal tells Cole that, in hindsight, they “should have stayed and helped Vanessa pick up her groceries”, rather than, you know, running away immediately. Cole disagrees, and starts to see the humor of the situation.

“Chicken chicken!” he rasped, shaking his finger at me.

“Stop it!” I snapped. […] “It’s just so weird,” I murmured. “Why did she say that word? Why?”

Cole shrugged. “Because she’s crazy?”

They’ve behaving entirely too rationally for a book about chicken-based magicks. I never thought I’d say this, but somebody better start turning into a chicken soon.

Cole rolled his eyes. “Crystal—what could happen?”

Well, now they’re fucked.

Chapter 9

During family dinner that evening, Crystal’s parents ask her how basketball practice went, and she vents some frustrations that she didn’t play very well, likely jeopardizing her chance at making the starting lineup, which will likely only get worse once she turns into a chicken.

Although it was the 90s, so that’s not necessarily a given.

The next day at school, Crystal and Cole have choir practice, which also goes badly. Even before any chicken stuff goes down.

It did sound pretty good.

Until Cole began his solo.

I saw him take a deep breath. He stepped forward. Waited for three beats. Opened his mouth.

And sang: “BLUCK BUCK BUCK BLUUUCK BLUCK.”

Not that the chicken stuff helped. Cole continues uncontrollably making chicken noises, which for a book series with “Reader beware! You’re in for a scare!” as its tagline remains a difficult sell.

“Cole—please!” Mrs. Mellon pleaded. “Stop fooling around.” […]
“BLUCK BLUCK BUCK BUCK BUCK!” my brother clucked in a high, silly voice.

I stepped away from the other girls and rushed up to him. “Cole—what is the big idea?” I cried furiously. “Why are you doing that?”

“BLUCK BLUCK BUCK CLUCK BLUCK,” he replied.

Chapter 10

The next chapter abruptly picks up with Crystal wrapping Lucy-Ann’s birthday present, because I guess that scene where her brother suddenly only communicated in chicken noises and the resulting social ramifications pretty much resolved itself.

Fortunately, Cole’s chicken-related issues have subsided (OR HAVE THEY?), but given Cole’s long history as a jokester, Crystal isn’t having any of it.

“You know, we’re all tired of your dumb jokes. Especially me. You just think you’re so funny all the time, Cole. But you’re really such a pain.” […]
“No—really, Crystal. I—I think Vanessa made me do it! I think she made me cluck like that!”
I laughed. “I’m not stupid, you know”

Cole finds himself unable to make a convincing case.

“I really had to cluck.”

But that night, Crystal hears mysterious noises…

“Bluck bluck cluck.”

Ok, that’s my fault. “Mysterious” is not the best word choice for this book.

I leaned on the window ledge. Peered down to the ground.

And gasped.

Chapter 11

Nothing down there.
No chicken.

-AAAAAAA oh god damn it, Goosebumps.

Crystal determines the clucking is coming from Cole’s room, which she finds perplexing, wondering “What is he trying to prove?”

The next day, Crystal goes to Lucy-Ann’s birthday party. Lucy-Ann asks Crystal what was up with her brother yesterday, and Crystal just provides, “No way I can explain my brother”, which is fair enough.

Crystal provides some more information about the small, country town they live in. Who wants to feel old?

some of my friends live over thirty miles away. When I want to call them at night, it’s a long-distance call!

Context for our younger readers: in the 90s, technology was more or less here

I really had fun—until birthday cake time.

And then the fun turned to horror.

AAAAAAAAAAAAIBETITSREALLYGONNABESCARYTHISTIMEAAAAAAA

Chapter 12

Lucy-Ann’s mom carried out the birthday cake. Actually, she carried out two cakes

God DAMN it, Goosebumps!

We sang “Happy Birthday” [and] I suddenly realized that something was wrong.
That loud clicking sound I heard – it was coming from me!

Fun Fact: There was no previous mention of a loud clicking sound before this.

Crystal inspects her lips and finds that they’re suspiciously dry. So dry that they violate the laws of physics.

I ran my tongue over my lips. So dry.

“Tcccck tcccccck.”

After producing percussive clicking noises by running a soft object over a hard object somehow, Crystal finds herself unable to chew the cake. She asks for some chapstick, and goes inside the house to get it.

Then I dove to the medicine cabinet and gazed into the mirror.

It took my eyes a few seconds to adjust. But when I could finally focus on my lips—I opened my mouth in a shrill scream of horror.

AAAAAAAAAAAAA- wait, is the eyes adjusting thing because she’s turning into a chicken, or because that was the only way R L Stine could figure out how to slow down the dramatic narrative pacing?

Chapter 13

Her symptoms are still sort of unclear. And demonstrate that it is apparently very difficult to physically describe a chicken.

Bright red, my lips poked out from my face. […] My lips were hard. They didn’t feel like skin anymore! […] Had my lips grown some sort of crust?

Crystal tells herself it’s just an allergic reaction, but can’t shake her worst fears.

“A bird beak,” I murmured in a shaky whisper. “It looks like a bird beak.”

Crystal ponders the serious ramifications of this.

Will I ever enjoy cake again?

Crystal finds herself unable to go back to the party and heads home instead, where she finds her parents and gone, but her brother at home with a horrifying discovery of his own.

“Why are you—click click—wearing that bath towel around your neck?”

“I… need help,” he replied, lowering his eyes.

He slowly unwrapped the blue bath towel. Then he slid it off his neck. “Look,” he insisted.

I gasped.

Feathers!

He had white feathers poking out from his neck and shoulders.

Chapter 14

I’m gonna be blunt. The story proceeds pretty hilariously.

“Cole—when did this happen?” I shrieked.

“BLUCCCK BLUUUCK BUCCCCK,” he clucked, his eyes wide with horror.

Amazingly, Crystal and Cole haven’t quite accepted the existence of supernatural elements now present in their lives. Really, the first eight chapters of this book were all Vanessa this, Vanessa that, but once distinctly chicken-y things happen after she points at them and goes “Chicken, chicken” – which would presumably stand out – there’s no mention of the rumors of Vanessa’s supernatural powers. Crystal even lies to Cole about her own chicken-related problems. Unconvincingly.

Cole gazed up at me. “Hey—what’s up with your lips?”

“Oh—I—uh…” I covered them with one hand. “Just chapped,” I said. “Very chapped.”

This was an incredibly opportune moment for this gif, I must say.

Crystal tries to solve Cole’s problem by pulling out the feathers, which causes him pain, and doesn’t solve their other problems. They wait for their parents to come home to ask for help, but they fall asleep before they get back, and find that their problems are much worse in the morning.

A soft breeze ruffled my feathers.

Huh? Feathers?

Also, way more entertaining.

I blinked myself awake. And stared at the white feathers up and down my arms.

I opened my mouth to scream. But all that came out was a choked “goggle goggle goggle.”

I pulled down the top of my nightshirt and gasped. My shoulders and arms were covered with fluffy, white and brown feathers.

I brushed my hand over my lips. They had grown even harder.

I mean even if it’s for kids, horror-

[Cole] staggered into the room. White feathers bristled on his shoulders and under his chin. They had grown back.

“Look at me!” I clicked.

“BLUCCK BLUCCCCK,” Cole replied.

But… scary… so… chickens… can’t…

“I didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t want to believe it. But Vanessa did this to us. Vanessa is BLUUUUCCK BLUCCCK turning us into chickens.”

Chickens aren’t-

“I… can’t… stop the clucking!”

They pull off all the feathers again, and rush downstairs to find their parents, so they can convince them that they’re turning into chickens and need help. No, they didn’t really think through that sequence of events.

The chapter ends with proof that the moms is always the best, most DGAF character in every book we read:

“She’s turning us into chickens!” Cole called to Mom […]

“It’s the truth!” I cried. “You’ve got to help us. Cole and I—BLUUUCK—we’re both turning into chickens!”

“That’s good news,” Mom replied calmly “I need two more chickens for the barbecue this afternoon.”

Sweet Valley High, Secrets Chapter 9:

Sweet Valley High continues to introduce characters who serve to remind us that no matter your age, if you are in a story about attractive high schoolers, you must also be very attractive:

The next day Elizabeth broke down and confided in Mr. Collins. Besides being the faculty adviser for The Oracle, Roger Collins had become a sort of unofficial “Dear Abby” to the kids who worked with him. Of course, he resembled anyone but Abby—more like a taller Robert Redford, Elizabeth thought, with his crinkly blue eyes and ruggedly handsome features. Sometimes it was hard to keep her mind on what she was saying when she talked to him.

House of Night has scarred me so much that my reaction to this scene was to recoil and silently warn Elizabeth that he was probably working with (and banging!) her arch nemesis and former mentor to isolate her from her friends. To be fair, that does seem like a very Jessica plan, so it’s not completely out of the realm of possibility that something similar will go down in Sweet Valley High. Tread carefully, Elizabeth.

Mr. Collins makes the very good and blindingly obvious point that Elizabeth couldn’t have been the only one who’d known about the letters if she hadn’t told Ronnie about them. You’re so close to realizing it was Jessica, Elizabeth, come on. I know you can get there.

Except she totally can’t.

Elizabeth thought for a moment. “I suppose he could have told Winston Egbert.” She knew they’d been friends from the age of about five, though Winston had kept far away from the trouble George had gotten himself into.

Fine, okay, that’s a good detail to remember, and it definitely came up in the letter we saw from George, but really shouldn’t Elizabeth be at least considering it’s her evil twin?

With the help of Mr. Collins (who may or may not be the Vampyre Poet Laureate), Elizabeth determines that Winston wouldn’t have said anything to be malicious but may have let something slip to Ronnie accidentally. She resolves to talk to him later.

Another member of the paper walks in, “bearing an armload of letters she’d collected from the box outside their office.” These sure were the good old days before gossip apps like Yik Yak, or whatever the hell the kids are using, became the preferred method of spreading salacious rumors.

In any case, there are letters addressing the issue of Ms. Dalton and her alleged affair with student Ken. This infuriates Mr. Collins who is probably the one involved with Ms. Dalton. Rumors at Sweet Valley always turn out to have a respectable truth lurking behind the sordid lies. Remember when everyone thought the twins’ father was having an affair with a co-worker and it turned out he was just helping her get a promotion (not in an affair-y kind of way)?

At this rate, I expect that in the next book everyone will be talking about how Winston keeps sneaking off with bags full of kittens who he is undoubtably torturing. The twist will be that actually he’s saving all of these kittens from danger and opening a kitten cafe right outside of Sweet Valley High.

“I wonder how Kenny’s taking it,” she mused aloud.

“Nobody seems to know,” Olivia answered. “He’s been absent the past couple of days. There’s a nasty rumor that he got mononucleosis from k—”

“That’s enough!” In a rare show of temper, Mr. Collins slammed a book down on his desk. “Haven’t you two got anything better to do than talk about this thing?”

This isn’t your first day, Mr. Collins. Of course they have nothing better to talk about!

Elizabeth blushed. Mr. Collins was right—the best way to deal with gossip was just to ignore it. But that was easier said than done when you were on the receiving end. Her heart went out to both Ms. Dalton and Enid. She knew only too well what it was like having conversations end abruptly when you walked into a room, having people look at you as if you’d just sprouted another head or something. People had treated her like that when Jessica had been picked up at an off-limits bar during a wild brawl—and had let the police believe she was Elizabeth. The next day everyone at school was smirking behind her back. Elizabeth would never forget what a miserable time that had been.

But she would certainly forget that Jessica is to be trusted under no circumstances whatsoever. Put. The pieces. Together. Elizabeth.

Later, Elizabeth talks to Winston. He’s super nice about the whole thing, but is basically like, “I don’t even know Ronnie, why would I ever tell him about George’s letters? Pointless.” Well, Winston, it’s apparently not pointless if you’ve got your eye on the homecoming crown. It’s got a convoluted point, but a point nonetheless.

“Anyhow, in my book a friend isn’t someone who blabs a secret all over the place. I know everyone thinks I have a big mouth, but I know how to keep it shut when it counts.”

Elizabeth looked at Winston with new respect.

Sweet Valley High just gave Winston more depth in thirty seconds than the Casts have given the twins in what is now THREE books.

Todd is also sort of in this scene, playing basketball while Elizabeth and Winston talk on the bleachers. Just thought you should know he’s still around.

Not-at-all-awkward reminders that you can follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook. And if you really really like us you can support us on Patreon. We’ll love you forever!

PSA: You know the bar at the top of the BBGT website that lists books and genres that we’ve read? Well, we finally figured out how to get the page for each book to display posts in chapter order (like, you know, a book!), as opposed to reverse chronological order. You have no idea how long we’ve been trying to make the process of getting to the beginning of whatever book you feel like reading (not reading?) easier for all of you. Enjoy!

Sweet Valley High: Secrets, Chapter 10

Elizabeth’s still super down about this whole “my best friend thinks I revealed her secret past with sketchy men and copious drug use to the entire school” thing. High school, right?

Not even the world’s greatest boyfriend can turn her spirits around.

“Hey,” he said, “you don’t look too happy for someone who’s going to the dance tonight with the most fantastic guy on the West Coast.”
She forced a weak smile. “Burt Reynolds is taking me to the dance?”

And with that, a bunch of people reading this blog just felt really old. You know what else is upsetting? If this were House of Night, the reference would simply have been “Burt Reynolds is a vampire!”

It’s Sweet Valley High, so of course it manages to get more groan-worthy in no time at all:

Todd laughed. “That’s what I like about you, Liz. Even when you’re down, you can always smile.”
“That’s me, all right— smiling on the outside, crying on the inside.”

I will never get tired of this gif.

“This just isn’t like Enid. She’s never stayed mad at me for this long before. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear someone was feeding her lies about me. But who would want to do a terrible thing like that?”

Elizabeth. Girl. Do you forget your sister’s entire personality every single book? Is that going to be your thing? Because we’re only on book two, and I’m not 100% convinced this is the most plausible thing to fuel every single Sweet Valley book.

“Who would want to do a terrible thing like that?” said one of the two characters on the cover.

Elizabeth mentions that Jessica suggested it was for the best that she stay away from Enid, and – almost as if reading my thoughts – Todd becomes the only person in the book who seems to remember that Jessica is a manipulative sociopath.

“I wouldn’t exactly call your sister the world’s foremost expert on friendship,” said Todd. […]
Elizabeth defended her twin. “Jessica means well. It really is nice of her to want to help Enid.”
“I’m not so sure,” Todd warned.

Elizabeth feels upset that Enid’s going to miss the big dance that night, and Todd tries to sympathize with her situation. Note I said “tries”.

“I know what you mean,” he said. “It’s like the time when I was a little kid and my brother got sick on Halloween, and he had to stay in bed while I went trick-or-treating. Somehow it just wasn’t the same. Part of me felt like I should have stayed home, too.” He grinned. “It worked out for him, though, because I ended up giving him most of my candy.”

Wait, then what’s the candy in this metaphor? Is candy boys? Is he saying that Elizabeth should give Enid some boys? This story is either a very imperfect metaphor or the most unclear way of proposing a threesome ever.

“I’m glad you understand, Todd.”

Does he though?

“I hope I don’t act too depressed tonight.”
“Goes to show how well you know my tastes,” he said, brown eyes flashing. “I happen to love depressed blondes.”

Oh, Todd. You’re so basic.

I’m so happy Ariel discovered there was a SVH tv show.

So this scene showed what a wonderful guy Todd is, but what if it also told us? Just in case we didn’t quite pick up on how Todd is the best?

He tasted salty-sweet, a combination of french fries and vanilla milkshake. Todd’s kisses were one of the things Elizabeth loved best about him. They were like Todd himself— firm, but so gentle.…

Yo, as much as I love the “firm, but so gentle” part, just imagine if that paragraph just ended at “Todd’s kisses were one of the things Elizabeth loved best about him”, leaving us only with their french fries and vanilla milkshake flavor as explanation. I’d have totally bought that.

Later that day, at home, Jessica informs Elizabeth that their mom won’t let them go to the dance unless they clean their rooms. This is obviously the worst thing that could ever happen for Jessica, but it’s also a plot device for Elizabeth!

As she stooped to pick up some paper, she caught sight of a piece of pale blue stationery barely visible under the bed.

Oh shit!

One of George’s letters!

Oh! Shit!

She realized it must have been there all along and felt a sick, plummeting sensation in her stomach. Anyone could have come along and seen it.

OH SHIT!

No, not just anyone.

oh shit

Now having finally realized that her s-

Only one person in this house besides their mother would have gone into this room.

Having finally r-

Jessica.

I realize that the reader didn’t have to solve this mystery like Elizabeth had to, but based on everything we all know about Jessica from the first book, I don’t think this is so much Elizabeth realizing that Jessica is responsible for manipulating her and Enid and Ronnie as it is Elizabeth remembering that Jessica exists.

If you watch this looping gif for 20-30 minutes, that’s kind of what reading the first ten chapters of this book was like.

Elizabeth lets the hatred flow through her.

Trembling with rage, she folded the letter and tucked it away in a drawer. She was so furious with Jessica at this moment that she could have strangled her.

I can’t wait to see how Elizabeth finds a wacky resolution for all of this.

It’s now possible to support us on Patreon, and we, as always, are extremely thankful for your readership and support. Go check it out! If you’re one of our $5+/month backers, don’t forget to message us information about how you’d like to take advantage of being a featured Patron.

Hello, readers! We’re calling on you to help us out once more, because Ariel and I have talked and talked and now we’re at the point where we want some direct input from you, our web traffic dearest readers.

We got a lot of recommendations, and Ariel and I spent a lot of time talking about what we’d personally be most interested in doing next. So just because it’s not on this poll, it doesn’t mean it’s not being considered at some point in the future. But right now, we’re pretty sure our next book is gonna be one of these:

As a supplement to just asking you point blank which of those books you’d prefer, here’s another poll that’s… sort of a personality quiz, let’s say. Not that we don’t trust your votes or anything. We just wonder what the results would be if we framed the question like…

And here’s a question specifically about that gender-swapped Twilight that Stephanie Meyer wrote for the 10th anniversary of the book. Which, if you don’t know anything about this, you should definitely take a look at this real thing that exists.

And one more question about our other vampire tale of vampires: House of Night! We’ve said that we’re totally ready to jump into book #4 (which is called Untamed, and doesn’t that sound promising), and we’re pretty sure everyone’s still pretty interested in this, but we just want to check…

Thanks for all your help! Seriously! We need to know what the people want.

Sort of like this, but without everyone dying at the end.

Last week’s post ended with an unparalleled moment in Goosebumps history. To recap:

“She’s turning us into chickens!” Cole called to Mom […]
“It’s the truth!” I cried. “You’ve got to help us. Cole and I—BLUUUCK—we’re both turning into chickens!”
“That’s good news,” Mom replied calmly “I need two more chickens for the barbecue this afternoon.”

Oh, mom. 

Chicken, Chicken Chapter 15:

Unfortunately this badass moment is immediately ruined:

“Huh?”

“Barbecue us?”

Cole and I both gasped. Was Mom joking?

As soon as we burst into the kitchen, I realized that Mom wasn’t talking to us. She was on the phone. She had her back to us and was drumming her fingernails on the Formica counter beside the phone.

I’m under no illusions that this chapter was ever going to start with their mother actually intending to cook her two children who are the victims of chickencraft. However, I was still hoping this was her sarcastic reply. Apparently that was asking too much.

Cole and Crystal try to tell their mother that they’re turning into chickens, but for some reason she isn’t taking them seriously:

“Mom—we… we CLUUUCK BLUUUCK have to talk to you!” I sputtered.

She turned, still talking, and waved. She said a few more words, then hung up the phone. “You two slept so late,” she said, frowning at the wall clock. “It’s nearly noon, and our guests will be here in an hour or two.”

“Mom—” I started.

She wiped her forehead with the back of her hand and moved toward the sink. “Did you forget we’re having a big barbecue this afternoon? We’re having at least twenty guests, and—and—” She gestured to the pile of chicken parts.

The sight of them made my stomach turn.

“Cluuucck bluuuck,” Cole murmured.

You have to feel for this woman who is so hardened to her wacky kids’ actual suffering because of all the nonsense she’s had to put up with. Really makes you think what parents have to go through. SHE’S JUST STRESSING ABOUT HER BBQ AND DOESN’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT.

I get that Vanessa was pissed, but she didn’t stop to consider the consequences for the people who will be affected by Cole and Crystal’s transformation.

Mom reminds the kids that they missed chorus practice that morning. She continues to ignore the children trying to tell her they’re turning into chickens and instead talks about how great their chorus teacher is for offering to bring over more chicken to eat. This BBQ sounds like the event of the season. Not to be missed.

“BLUUUUCK!” Cole exclaimed.

“Listen to me, Mom,” I begged. “Do you hear Cole clucking like that?”

“Yes. Very nice clucking,” she murmured, tossing a leg into the bowl.

Her wilful misunderstandings are the greatest. I will aspire to this kind of parenting greatness someday. Then again, I will raise my kids right and teach them to not to spill a witch’s groceries or play stupid pranks on her, so they wouldn’t get into this situation in the first place.

The children concoct a plan of questionable quality. They decide that they’ll find Anthony who was surely cursed as well. Once they have Anthony on their side, surely mom will have no choice but to heed the words of some random kid.

“So if all three of us tell our story to Mom and Dad, then maybe they’ll believe us!” I cried.

A plan of equal quality.

I think it will take more than that to get your mother to stop giving a shit about her party and believe your crazy tale, but okay guys.

En route, VANESSA.

Chapter 16

Crystal runs up to Vanessa and begs/bluuuucks for her to help them. This takes some balls, so I have new respect for Crystal.

The confrontation turns fierce:

“BLUUUUCK BLUUUCK!” my brother clucked angrily.

That brought a smile to her black-lipsticked lips. She laughed, and her dark eyes flashed.

She brushed back her straight, black hair. “Bluck bluck to you, too!” she called. “Chicken chicken!” Then she turned and hurried along the sidewalk.

“Bluuuck—wait!” Cole called after her. His head bobbed frantically up and down.

“You have to help us!” I cried, my hard lips clicking.

Vanessa began walking faster. Her black hair flew behind her. She didn’t look back.

What a clucking bitch.

Cole and Crystal move forward with their Anthony-centric plan. They find him playing golf in his backyard, which doesn’t feel very chicken-y if you ask me. The kids ask if anything weird has been going on with him…

Anthony raised his eyes to us. “Yeah,” he replied. “Something weird has been happening. How did you know?”

“Because BLUUUCK the same weird thing has been happening to us,” I told him.

He stared hard at me. “Huh?”

Cole and I nodded.

Anthony made a face. He pretended to study his golf club. “You mean you suddenly started putting really well, too?” he asked.

After Anthony talks for like five hours about his improved golfing skills, Crystal finally surmises he’s not being turned into a chicken. They return home, dejected, to the barbecue.

Crystal has to pluck some of her feathers and stuff. You know, normal maintenance girls have to do on their BLUUUUCK bodies as they begin changing. She heads downstairs and it seems like mom might finally notice what’s going on:

“See if there is enough ice,” Mom instructed. “And tell your dad he may need more charcoal. We—”
She stopped suddenly, with a gasp.

!!!

She stared out the window. “Crystal—what on earth is your brother doing out there?”

I stepped up beside her and gazed out the window. “Oh, no!” I cried.

I couldn’t believe what I saw.

Really, Goosebumps, really?

So can everyone else not see the changes? Is that what’s happening here? I’m struggling to believe everyone in this universe is actually that oblivious.

Chapter 17

Let’s find out what Crystal sees her brother doing.

Cole had climbed into the area fenced off for the chickens. He was down on his elbows and knees. There were chickens all around him.

God this is so embarrassing. How is mom going to explain this one to all her barbecue-loving friends?

“Why is your brother acting so dumb in front of company?” Mom asked, shaking her head. “Does he think that’s funny?”

NO, DUDE, HE’S BEEN CHICKEN CHICKEND, CAN’T YOU SEE?

Crystal goes outside, fully intending to get Cole to stop, but instead she joins him. This is getting out of control.

The next day at school, Crystal can’t stop thinking about the rest of the party. I can’t believe this all just got skipped over!

Of course, all of our guests thought what Cole and I did was some kind of a joke. They didn’t get the joke. But they knew it had to be a joke.

Mom and Dad were really angry. They needed us to help out. But we were too busy pecking seeds with the chickens.

I can’t even begin to imagine how frustrating this would be. Picture this, you are trying to throw what I can only conclude is the biggest event of the season, and your kids are pecking seeds outside with the chickens. Like they don’t have a care in the world! Ungrateful is what they are.

Mom’s anger is compounded when she discovers Crystal and Cole won’t eat chicken anymore. She’s completely lost control of this household.

The chapter ends with Crystal starting as forward on her CLUUUUCK basketball team. I’m sure if I understood basketball-speak this would be a significant moment in Crystal’s life. However, it’s probably ruined by this whole chicken situation.

Chapter 18

To my horror, I realized that I couldn’t run without bobbing my head.

I glanced to the sideline—and saw Coach Clay staring at me. “Crystal—what are you doing?” she called.

I heard some kids laughing at me.

Crystal is utterly humiliated by her chicken-instincts taking over.

At home later, she is totally depressed.

After dinner, Mom and Dad had to go to school for a Parents Association meeting. Cole and I waited until we heard the car pull away. Then we waddled downstairs to the living room.
We were down on our knees, pecking crumbs in the rug.
My body was covered with white and brown feathers. It would take hours to pull them all off.

What the cluck?! Why are they plucking the feathers before trying to convince their parents something is wrong? Their first call of action to proving they were turning into chickens was not to show their parents the feathers growing out of their body but to instead seek Anthony’s help. Useless Anthony who has never cared about anyone or anything as much as his precious golf. Get better at plans, kids.

“Crystal, what are we going to do?” Cole asked softly.

I started to say, “I don’t know.”

But I suddenly knew exactly what we had to do.

If you’re going to talk to Anthony again, I swear to god I’m done.

Chapter 19

They head to Vanessa’s house. This certainly seems like a step up from Plan A(nthony).

Our shoes plodded heavily over the hard dirt path. A few minutes later, I could see the black outline of Vanessa’s house against the gray sky.

“What are we CLUUUCK going to say to her?” Cole demanded softly.

Sir, I think you mean, “What the CLUUUCK are we going to say to her.” Come on, R.L. you handed yourself these jokes.

They knock on Vanessa’s door. Why this was its own chapter, no one BLUUUUUUUCKing knows.

Chapter 20

There’s no answer at the door. Just when I thought this was gonna be easy.

They look inside Vanessa’s window. Because spying will lead to more good things happening to these characters.

“Cole—” I whispered, my heart starting to pound. “See those old books? Do you think they are books about magic?”

“Huh?” He pressed his face against the glass. “What do you mean?”

“You know. Bluuuck. Books about magic spells. Sorcery books. They look like they could be old spell books—don’t they?”

They decide to go ahead with this new, awful plan. The best thing this plan has going for it is that Anthony isn’t involved. Ug. Anthony.

I reached out for the book on top of the stack—when a furious shriek made me stop.

“Ohhh!” I pulled my hand back.

“Vanessa—!” Cole cried.

You are not going to BLUUUUUCKing fool me this time, Goosebumps. Nuh-uh. It’s not Vanessa. It’s probably Anthony. Or a sponge. I don’t know, it just ain’t Vanessa.

Today we finish reading this year’s Goosebumps book, Chicken, Chicken, just in time for Halloween tomorrow! Who doesn’t love a scary story to get in the mood for Halloween? It’s a shame we didn’t read one.

The 53rd book of a series is not usually the best one.

Chapter 21

The last chapter ended with Crystal and Cole breaking into Vanessa’s house to look through her spell books, and suddenly seeing Vanessa. This chapter begins by letting us know that Vanessa is not there, actually:

I spun around—and saw Vanessa’s cat leap onto the high back of an old armchair. […]
“I-I thought it was Vanessa,” Cole murmured.

Man, I wish every book were written with cliffhangers as terrible as this. It might be the one thing that could make Fifty Shades of Grey even worse. “Christian and Ana started having sex. CHAPTER TWO. Christian and Ana actually weren’t having sex at all.” I can see it now.

Crystal finds a promising spell book, and then Vanessa is there.

Chapter 22

I swallowed hard.

And realized I was staring at a painting. A huge oil portrait of Vanessa.

Goosebumps just used the exact same cliffhanger fake-out twice. Once was just not enough for the thrills and chills that was “I thought someone was there, but they weren’t”.

Crystal shares her discovery of the spell book with Cole.

“Cole—look!” I exclaimed, holding up the front cover. “It’s called Chicken Chicken Chicken.”

…I have questions about this.

1. Why three “Chickens”? To make it different from the title of the book itself? Why would that even be important?
2. Even in the context of the world of Goosebumps, what publisher decided this was a good book title? That would be like getting a college syllabus and finding that you need to buy a textbook titled Chemistry Chemistry Chemistry.
3. So does that mean that the only spell in this book is the “turn a human into a chicken” spell? Why would someone buy that?

They leave with the book, only mildly concerned that Vanessa’s cat is giving them a death glare during the process. You’d maybe think that in a world where humans can be turned into animals, they’d be slightly more concerned about this.

They arrive home and make a horrible discovery, which of course has to be saved for after the chapter cliffhanger.

Chapter 23

“It’s the wrong book!” I cried, jumping up from the bed. I left a pile of feathers where I’d been sitting. “It’s a cookbook! It’s a whole book of chicken recipes!”

As many questions as this answers about the insanely stupid title of this book that we’re supposed to accept is a real book, this really just raises a more important question about why on earth these kids wouldn’t even open the book before they decided to steal it.

The situation grows more dire when Crystal gets a glimpse of herself in the mirror and realizes she looks like the middle part of an Animorphs book cover:

My eyes! My head!

My eyes had changed into small, round circles. And the shape of my head was changing, too. Growing narrow. My eyes were far apart now, moving to the sides of my head.

Seriously, these things are hilarious

They go back to Vanessa’s house, where hopefully they’ll actually open up a book to see if it has magic spells in it or not this time. I can’t wait for these idiots to turn into chickens.

I dropped the recipe book on the coffee table and turned to the stack of books beside the couch. […]
Cole let out a triumphant squawk. “These books—they’re all magic books!” he declared.
“You’re bluuuck right,” I agreed. “Hundreds and hundreds of magic spells.”

How did they manage to fuck this up the first time? I have more questions about this than I do about the turning-into-chickens part.

Cole points out that the literal hundreds and hundreds of books poses something of a significant problem:

Cole flipped rapidly through the pages of his book. His eyes were practically spinning! “How will we ever find the right one?” he demanded.

“I think I just found it,” I told him.

Oh, good. That was easy. I’d hate to have to take three chapters for them to so much as open up a single book. For instance.

They find a human-to-chicken spell, but no chicken-to-human spell. Reviewing the instructions and finding that it’s just an incantation, they decide to try doing it backwards.

He turned to me. “Don’t forget to cluuuck bluuck,” he called.

I knew what he meant. He was reminding me to do the spell backwards.

This book is great.

I lowered my eyes to the bottom of the page. And I started to read the words, going up: “Cluck cluck chick. Chick cluck cluck chick.”

This makes sense, because I remember Vanessa doing exactly zero of those things when she cast the spell in the first place.

Chapter 24

The effects of the spell start to take place. And… yeah, I’m just gonna let the book take this one:

We weren’t chickens anymore. We were BIIIIIG chickens!

“I—I’m as big as a horse!” I cried.

I gazed up. The ceiling was only an inch or two above my head.

I had to try to reverse the spell again.

Maybe I couldn’t turn us back into humans. But I might be able to shrink us back to our normal size.

O Lord, please let this be the rest of the book.

I was falling… falling… […] The book was taller than me!

Thank you, Lord.

“Cheep cheep!” I cried.

“Cheep cheep cheep,” I heard Cole’s tiny reply.

I spun around to find him. “Cheep?”

“Cheep cheep!”

He was a little yellow chick! I swallowed hard. I knew what that meant. That meant that I was also a tiny yellow chick!

I had reversed the spell—too much!

Aw, man, I was really hoping we’d get into some wacky “I tried to undo the spell again, but this time I grew EXTRA ARMS/started BREATHING FIRE/the bottom half of my body turned into AN OSTRICH” shenanigans. But noooooooooo. They couldn’t even fully turn chicken when they were giants. I would have also accepted “GIANT CHICKENS DESTROY RURAL TOWN” as an ending. But nooooooooooo.

I pecked my little beak furiously against the floor.

Although this is still pretty okay, to be honest.

Crystal starts wondering “why did Vanessa think she had a right to do this to us”, so it’s nice that the book is addressing the severe mismatch between “you knocked over someone’s groceries” crime and “therefore you will be turned into a chicken” punishment. It’s definitely a little late, but this should be a pretty important theme in this story. Maybe that’s what’s really scary in this Goosebumps novel. Maybe what’s really scary is the inefficacy of the individual against the unwarranted cruelties of life which could randomly happen to any one of us at any time.

Anyway, then the cat tries to eat them.

Chapter 25

Then Vanessa comes back. For real this time. Make up your mind, book.

Chapter 26

Vanessa laughed. “You’re both so cute!” she exclaimed. “What a shame I had to teach you a lesson.” She tsk-tsked.

Vanessa suddenly goes hard Bond villain.

“What should I do with you two?” Vanessa asked, her dark eyes flashing. “Should I send you back out? It’s a long way to your house from here. You’d probably be eaten before you got there.”

Crystal spots a typewriter and makes one last desperate effort to fix her situation. She leaps out of Vanessa’s hand onto the typewriter and starts pecking out a message.

VANESSA, WE’RE REALLY SORRY. WE DIDN’T MEAN TO SPILL YOUR GROCERIES. WE CAME TO APOLOGIZE.

I wonder how long this took.

Vanessa brought her face down close to me. “Your apology is a little too late,” she said coldly. “There’s nothing I can do.”

Well, given the usual Goosebumps tendency to just undo its cliffhangers…

Chapter 27

I stumbled back wearily onto the typewriter keys.

PLEAS, I pecked out.

I was so tired, I didn’t have the strength to push down the E at the end. […]
“Well…” she said finally. “I like the way you say ‘please’.”

Yup.

She carried us over to a tall bookshelf and held us close to the books. “Do you see my collection?” she asked. “All etiquette books. Dozens and dozens of manners books. I have dedicated my life to manners.”

How do they keep coming across entire other collections of all of her books? Where the hell are all of these books coming from?

“Politeness is so important,” Vanessa said, holding us up to her face. “Especially for young people. That’s what I care about more than anything else in the world. Good manners.” […]
So that’s why Anthony wasn’t turned into a chicken, too! I realized. Before he ran away, Anthony had called out to Vanessa that he was sorry.
If only Cole and I had apologized then!

I am not convinced that a single person in this book has actually gained any grasp on manners whatsoever.

Vanessa insists it’s still too late, so Crystal types one last desperate message:

THANK YOU FOR EXPLAINING TO US. AND THANK YOU FOR TRYING TO TEACH US TO BE POLITE. YOURS TRULY, COLE AND CRYSTAL
[…] “I don’t believe it!” Vanessa exclaimed. She tore the sheet of paper from the typewriter and read it again. “A thank-you note!” she cried. “You wrote me a thank-you note!”
She gazed down at Cole and me with a broad smile. “No kids today ever write thank-you notes!”

Vanessa then undoes the curse and turns them back into humans. She then offers them some soda, because when a supernatural entity with an absolute and harsh code of justice based on a flawed sense of morality offers you some soda, this is a totally great time to score some free soda.

I raised my eyes and saw Cole tilt his glass to his mouth and drink the soda down. He was really thirsty!
When he finished, he lowered his glass—and let out the loudest burp I ever heard! […]
Vanessa stepped in front of me.

What is her problem? I wondered.

Then she pointed her finger, first at Cole, then at me. And whispered, “Pig pig.”

If there is a lesson to be learned in Chicken, Chicken, it has nothing to do with manners. It’s not to fuck with psychopaths.

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Sweet Valley High, Secrets, Chapter 11

The story abruptly shifts to Enid’s perspective.

“Enid!” Surprise was stamped on Nora Dalton’s pale features as she opened the door to her apartment to find Enid standing there. “What on earth are you doing here?”

Enid explains that she really needed to talk to Ms. Dalton, and when she wasn’t at school she decided to show up at her front door. Is this where it’s revealed that actually Enid and Ms. Dalton are the ones having the affair? I mean, it is pretty strange that Enid knows exactly where she lives, and what could possibly be so urgent that she couldn’t wait until Ms. Dalton was back in school to talk to her?

“I—I hope you don’t mind, Ms. Dalton,” Enid said haltingly, “but I really had to talk to you, and since you haven’t been at school . . .” She let her voice trail off as she took in the unfamiliar sight of Ms. Dalton wearing a bathrobe in the middle of the afternoon.

Seriously, if this doesn’t sound like the start to an erotic scene, I’m not sure what does (and I have read like a thousand Fifty Shades/Crossfire books).

Actually, though, the bathrobe is just a device to get Enid to consider that her teacher is probably dealing with her own problems right now – rumored affairs with students are known to be quite stressful – and that maybe she should have left her alone.

Enid tells her sad story to Ms. Dalton, who is apparently like an older sister to her. Maybe Ms. Dalton needs to learn how to create stronger and clearer boundaries between her and her students. Starting with not giving them access to her home. I bet if this were 2015, she’d have all of them as friends on Facebook and not even have specific privacy settings for them.

Ms. Dalton and Enid bond over rumors having a negative impact on their lives. Lessons are learned and Enid decides that she should have given Elizabeth the benefit of the doubt…the way Ronnie didn’t do for her. It’s really eye-opening in a lot of ways.

But what about the dance! Enid still doesn’t have a date.

“Why not go alone then?” Ms. Dalton suggested. “Just because you don’t have a date, that’s no reason to stay home. Plenty of kids go without dates. Just hold your head up, that’s what counts. You might even surprise yourself and have a good time.”

“Do you really think I should?”

“Of course I do! I’d go with you myself, if it weren’t for—”

Boundaries! You would go with her if it wasn’t for the fact that you were setting boundaries!

She broke off, clearly uncomfortable about discussing her own problem with Enid.

…this isn’t about boundaries at all, is it? This is just about her being scared to chaperone a high school dance. You would think a teacher who is suspected of having an affair with a student would be a little more careful not to offer to attend the dance with another student.

“Oh, Ms. Dalton,” Enid cried, “it’s so unfair! I hate what everyone’s been saying about you!”

“Enid,” she said, her voice catching a little, “I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but I’ve been thinking quite seriously about resigning. I’ve spoken to Mr. Cooper about it, and he—”

Rather than discussing appropriate student-teacher relationships, the discussion devolves into a heated outburst from Enid about the perils of quitting.

“Running away is running away—no matter what excuses you make!” Enid cried as she stumbled blindly toward the door.

After Enid’s departure (that is apparently so emotional she could barely see the door let alone walk smoothly towards it), Ms. Dalton is left to consider her powerful words.

Later, at Enid’s house, she’s getting ready for the dance when a guest shows up to see her. But who?

Enid couldn’t imagine who would be stopping by at this time. It was nearly eight. Elizabeth would be too busy getting ready for the dance herself. The only other person she could think of was . . .

“Ronnie!” She jumped to her feet, her heart taking off at a full gallop.

Yes, it’s definitely going to be the jerk who hastily dumped you before the dance because you exchanged innocent letters with an ex-boyfriend. That’s a guy who shows up!

 “George!” she gasped in disbelief.

This couldn’t be the same George Warren she’d last seen two years ago. The boy standing before her now was at least a foot taller. A tower of tanned muscle topped by a gorgeous white smile and the sexiest eyes Enid had ever been hypnotized by. He was dressed in a suit and tie that made him look even more irresistible. She stepped forward as if in a trance to take the hand he held out to her.

Enid seems like she’s got real game. What if she’s really the mastermind here? Get Ronnie to dump her so he looks like the bad guy, meanwhile an even more handsome suitor swoops in to make an entrance with her at the dance. That’s some Jessica Wakefield level planning. Just the right amount of dumb luck blended delicately with emotional manipulation.

The book gives us the hard sell on George:

Enid was utterly entranced. Gone was the angry, sullen boy who had blamed the world for his problems. George was now a responsible young man, a good student, and—he informed Enid to her delight—he had been accepted to Sweet Valley College for the next semester.

I had this whole joke written making fun of how this sounds like the kind of thing your mom tells you when she tries to set you up on a blind date with her dentist’s son, but at least he’s not a controlling, billionaire stalker. I need to pick my battles.

In a stunning display of continuity, George informs Enid that Winston has told him everything that’s been going on, so he wanted to take Enid to the dance. Not gonna lie, George seems great, you guys. TAKE THAT, RONNIE, YA TURD.

Enid is jazzed as shit. She even forgets to put her shoes on before going outside!

Chapter 12 (part 1):

Back to the Wakefields!

The twins are getting ready for the dance, and even though on the surface Elizabeth is being nice to Jessica, she actually is so done with her horrible sister.

“You act like Ronnie’s my boyfriend, for heaven’s sake.” Jessica sighed. “I told you, Liz, I’m only doing this as a favor to Enid.”

“Yes, that’s right—you did tell me something like that.” Elizabeth pressed down hard on the ruffle, imagining it was Jessica’s head she was flattening.

It’s a shame that for Elizabeth to really come alive she had to really be pushed to the edge. Seriously. Check out this exchange; it’s almost creepy:

“Well, I don’t know, but you’ve been looking at me like I was the Boston Strangler or something. It’s giving me the creeps! Are you mad at me?”

“Mad? How could I be mad at you, Jess?” Elizabeth asked sweetly. “Maybe you just have a guilty conscience.”

Jessica frowned, tapping her enameled nails against the dresser. “What would I have to feel guilty about? I haven’t done anything wrong.”

“In that case, you have nothing to worry about.”

“Honestly, Lizzie, I don’t know what gets into you sometimes. I should think you’d be eternally grateful to me for all the sacrifices I’m making!”

“Oh, I am, I am. I’m just trying to think of a way to show my appreciation for everything you’ve done.”

“You are?” Jessica’s expression brightened. “Sure. I want to see you get everything you deserve.”

Woah, Elizabeth actually has a little bit of Jessica in her. She’s pretending to be really nice to her sister, but actually she’s got plans. Plans for revenge, it seems! I’m really liking this side of Elizabeth.

At the dance, Elizabeth has more ominous and cryptic thoughts:

“I can’t wait for the voting to start,” Jessica whispered to Elizabeth.

“Me neither,” Elizabeth answered, wondering if her sister would be so anxious to win if she knew what was in store for her.

My best guess is probably not.

Ms. Dalton shows up while Elizabeth and Todd share a dance:

“Looks like she made a miraculous recovery,” Todd observed appreciatively.

It was true that Ms. Dalton had never looked prettier. She wore a long velvet skirt and an old-fashioned blouse with lots of ruffles and tucks. Her hair was perfect, and she had a silk rose pinned over one ear. It was obvious she’d gone to a lot of trouble to appear at her very best.

I’m going to take note that “observed appreciatively” is code for “never looked prettier.” Seems like a big leap for the narrator to just make and go putting words in Todd’s mouth.

Todd has some juicy gossip up his sleeve. Apparently Ken, the student everyone thinks is having an affair with Ms. Dalton, was actually dating Lila Fowler. Only, he dumped Lila’s ass when he found out she started the rumor! And Lila’s dad was dating Ms. Dalton! WHY ARE THERE SO MANY CRAZY CONFUSING LAYERS TO THIS? Teens those days sure had the most convoluted plans.

“Lila started the rumor?”

“According to Cara she did, but then I wouldn’t exactly call Cara Walker a reliable source.”

“If it’s true, I’d say Lila got what she deserved.”

Just like someone else is about to get what she deserves, Elizabeth thought as she caught a glimpse of her sister flirting with Bruce Patman.

It’s really all kicking off. Tune in tomorrow for the dramatic conclusion.

Hope everyone had an awesome Halloween! I finally watched Scream with family and then watched the first episode of the new Scream TV series. I thought both were great, so I’m wondering if anyone else is into the show and/or if you did anything interesting on Halloween.

Emphasis on “sort of”.

Sweet Valley High: Secrets, Chapter 11 (continued)

Amongst the other crazy events happening at the dance, Elizabeth is shocked to see Enid has shown up at the dance… with a handsome young man. But first, Elizabeth has to quickly, painlessly make amends with Enid:

“Liz?” Enid placed a tentative hand on her arm. “[…] I just want you to know how sorry I am for the way I’ve been acting.”
“You’re sorry?” Elizabeth was stunned.
“I never really believed you were responsible for Ronnie finding out about the letters. Not deep down in my heart.”

And yet a good portion of this book would not have happened if that were the case. Anyway. Speaking of deep down in Enid’s heart, Enid fills Elizabeth in on George and how wonderful he is:

A week ago she would have wanted to strangle whoever had been responsible for ruining her relationship with Ronnie. Now she didn’t really care.

Let’s have a huge round of applause for Enid, who has maybe become our first female character to ever recognize that she’s with a douchebag manbaby and realize she’s better off without him.

“I should really thank whoever did that to me. She really did me a favor in the end.”
“Enid,” Elizabeth admonished, “there is a point at which you can be too forgiving.”
“No, I really mean it. If I hadn’t broken up with Ronnie, I never would have realized how narrow-minded he was.”

Hahaha, this is awesome. Let’s keep rubbing this in Ronnie’s face!

As George and Enid whirled off onto the dance floor, Elizabeth noticed a number of people staring. […] George made her the envy of every girl in the room. Even Jessica had pried her eyes away from Bruce long enough to take a good long look. Ronnie was the only one who appeared unhappy

Hahaaaaa fuck you, Ronnie.

Ok, now before we get too happy over how this plot turned out, let’s remember the prose hasn’t exceeded our expectations.

“Actually,” George said, trying to keep a straight face, “I’m nuts about her handwriting. Even if she is a little strange, she writes terrific letters.”
Enid pretended to be hurt. “Is that all I am to you? Just a pen pal?”
“What do you think?” George turned to Elizabeth with a mischievous look. “Should I trade in my pen and paper for the real thing?”
“I give it my stamp of approval.” She giggled.

“But, Matthew,” you might say. “That’s cheesy, but it’s hardly bad. They’re just laughing about an inside joke.” Yeah, ok, except their inside joke is that… they talk to each other? On a specific medium? I mean… let’s pretend this book was written today…

“Actually,” George said, trying to keep a straight face, “I’m nuts about her social media. Even if she is a little strange, she writes terrific tweets.”
Enid pretended to be hurt. “Is that all I am to you? Just a Twitter follower?”
“What do you think?” George turned to Elizabeth with a mischievous look. “Should we make it Facebook official?”
“I’d Like that on Facebook.” She giggled.

Blech. I’m done here. Let’s go back to making fun of Elizabeth and Enid making up.

“I was so afraid we’d never be friends again!”
“We’re joined at the ear, remember?” Enid laughed. She was referring to their marathon sessions over the phone.

Thank goodness the book clarified it was referring to marathon phone calls that never took place in this book.

Chapter 13

So now that we’ve firmly established that Enid is with her super super always forever love (until a dozen books from now, presumably), the story can get back to what we really care about:

“By a landslide,” [Ronnie] boomed into the microphone, “the winner [for homecoming queen] is… […] Jessica Wakefield!”
“I don’t believe it!” Jessica shrieked

That was, like, the one thing in this book that anyone could have known would happen.

As you might recall, becoming homecoming queen was only part of Jessica’s plan to land a guy by breaking up another completely unrelated couple, which I can’t state enough times was the actual premise of this book. Next, Bruce has to become homecoming king.

Ronnie leaned into the microphone to announce the king’s name. It had to be Bruce, she told herself. Everyone knew he was the cutest guy in school.

This is why democracy doesn’t work.

“Winston Egbert!”

Jessica listened in stunned disbelief. It wasn’t possible! This wasn’t happening to her. Her heart went into a sudden tailspin as the meaning of it sank in.
She would be stuck with Winston for the rest of the semester for any big school events.

Oh man! What a comeuppance for Jessica! Elizabeth really outdid herself coming up with a clever way to turn Jessica’s only manipulations against her this time!

Or so you might think… but we shall soon discover that Elizabeth won’t stop there.

She would refuse the crown. Let someone else be stuck with Winston. This whole mess was the fault of Enid and her dumb letters.

Everybody forgets the awful things that Jessica does by the end of every Sweet Valley High book. Including Jessica, apparently.

Jessica vents to her friend Cara about her misfortune, but Cara is confused, because she had heard that Jessica wanted to be with Winston. WHAT A(NOTHER) TWIST!

“I’d like to murder whoever started that rumor,” Jessica muttered darkly.
Who could hate her enough to do such an awful thing to her?
Suddenly Jessica remembered about the funny way Elizabeth had been acting earlier that evening.

Just saying: Jessica solved this mystery like 1000 times faster than Elizabeth solved hers. Maybe she should be a detective when all this high school drama is said and done. It’ll be like the ending of Walking Disaster, except it’ll actually make sense.

She’d always known Elizabeth was jealous. And why not? Jessica was a thousand times more popular, she told herself.

Okay, so she just works on that whole “motive” thing before becoming a detective. Or doesn’t! I’d 100% read a detective series where the detective solves every mystery, but only by misunderstanding the culprit’s motive as jealousy of her good looks and popularity.

Anyway, queue up some good confrontation music, because Jessica and Elizabeth?

“I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about,” Elizabeth answered, smiling sweetly. “Would yu like some punch, Jessica?”
“I’d like to punch you in the face!”

It’s ON.

Elizabeth reveals that she started a rumor that Jessica was secretly crazy in love with Winston.

“How could you, Liz? You’ve practically ruined my life!”
“You mean the way you tried to ruin Enid’s?”
Some of Jessica’s anger fizzled. “I don’t know what you mean.”

Elizabeth calls Jessica out on telling Ronnie about Enid and George’s letters, and begins to reveal phase two of her plan for revenge: blackmail so that Jessica can’t resign from being queen and/or contractual romance-cum-public service, which are apparently all the same thing in this high school. Jessica reacts rationally.

Jessica was so furious she thought she just might strangle her sister on the spot. Only the thought of spending the rest of her life in jail – away from Bruce – kept her from going through with it.

Just so we’re on the same page here, the one and only thing standing in the way of murdering her sister with her bare hands is her unrequited infatuation with a boy who has had a total of maybe four lines in this book. Just… just so we’re clear on that.

Suddenly shit gets a bit weirder.

“Have it your way then!” She flung back. (Apparently “flung” was the best synonym for “said” that they could think of here.) “But if you think I’m going to do anything really gross like kissing that nerd, you’d better think again!”
A devilish grin spread across Elizabeth’s face. “Gee, Jess, I hadn’t thought about it, but that’s not a bad idea.”

What.

“I’m sure that would make Win very happy.”

What.

“Oh, no…” Jessica began backing away.
Elizabeth advanced on her, step for step. “Oh, yes.”

So, uh, now Elizabeth’s revenge involves forcing her sister into an unwanted romantic relationship with a certain degree of physical intimacy? Is… this is kind of fucked up, right? I mean, it’s “just” a kiss, but that doesn’t feel remotely funny? Are we supposed to see this as Jessica’s requisite wacky comeuppance?

“Think of my reputation. I’ll be absolutely ruined!”
“I don’t think so, Jess. Who knows? Your reputation might even improve.”

Oh dear god, we are.

She caught sight of Winston, a huge grin plastered across his face, bobbing toward her.

So… I get that Elizabeth is trying to get her sister to fall for a “nice” boy for a change, but I don’t think this ending is totally thinking through how Winston might feel when he learns that Jessica doesn’t actually like him. And that what Elizabeth is indirectly doing to Winston is as bad, if not worse, than what Jessica did to Enid. But by all means, let’s continue enjoying Jessica’s hilaaaaaaarious punishment, which is being tricked into getting with a boy who oozes goofy dorkiness.

Winston appeared from the opposite end, looking like a scarecrow in a tuxedo jacket that was a little too short. His knobby wrists stuck out as he reached to take her hand. […]
“Congratulations, Jessica,” Ronnie murmured. […]
“I’ll second the motion,” Winston chortled, looping a bony arm about her shoulders.

Hilaaaaaaarious.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth continues to make sure this ending is super, super unsettling when you realize that, as punishment for ruining her best friend’s reputation, Elizabeth is kind of pimping her sister out.

[Jessica] was smiling so hard the muscles in her cheeks ached […] under Elizabeth’s watchful eye. […] She noticed that her sister was whispering something in the photographer’s ear. Suddenly he called, “How about a kiss for the camera, you lovebirds?”
Jessica steeled herself for the inevitable

And if you think that ending is weird, just wait for the cliffhanger:

Smiling through her tears, Jessica allowed herself to be tugged onto the dance floor […] Just then, Bruce sailed past, nearly colliding with her as she stumbled backward in an attempt to escape Winston’s murderous feet. He swept her with a long look that sent an electric shock tingling up her spine. There was a hint of invitation in his smile, and more than a spark of interest in his sexy blue eyes. Some of her misery faded. Could it be?…

I have questions about this.

1. So is Bruce interested in her now?
2. Now that she’s in a democratically-elected, contractually-binding high school relationship?
3. Despite his own date to this dance, who’s just kind of… hanging out somewhere right now I guess?
4. Like, I really don’t understand the timing of this?
5. Or does he literally have electric shock vision?
6. Are Bruce’s blue eyes not just sexy, but full of lightning powers?
7. Seriously, why are we supposed to think it’s funny that Elizabeth is blackmailing her sister into faking a romantic relationship with a boy that she doesn’t want to kiss but now has to?

I think there’s really only one way to end this post after that happened. The TV show’s cheerful theme song!

SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET VALLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY

Quick shameless plug for the Bad Books, Good Times Patreon: if you like what you’re reading and feel so inclined, you can become one of our donors and get a little extra BBGT in return. This past weekend we put up a couple thousand-word thought experiment on whether House of Night‘s Zoey is actually supposed to be a likeable character or not. Check it out!

You’ve seen and answered a seemingly endless parade of polls, and for that we thank you all from the bottom of our hearts. An overwhelming majority of you were all about us reading Life and Death (aka the gender-swapped Twilight).

Even though we swore we’d never read Twilight, technically we’re not going back on our word because it has a different title. Please let us have this one thing, we are conflicted enough as it is. [Matthew says: If you’re upset that we’re trying to get off on a technicality, do take some comfort in knowing that it’s not like we’re not suffering for doing so, because we’re reading Twilight.]

Bearing that in mind, it probably won’t surprise you too much that we don’t want to read this chapter by endless chapter until the end of time (or spring, whatever). We’re going to start out chapter-by-chapter to get a feel for the book, but our goal is to be done by the new year. What an exciting and thrilling adventure it will be to see how we go about achieving that. [Matthew says: So this upcoming week we’re reading two chapters per post, and then by late November we’ll probably be desperately skimming through what I assume will be hundreds and hundreds of pages of Act II.]

A lot of people voted for us to read the original Twilight alongside Life and Death. Though on the surface, this seems like a cool and interesting idea, it actually would be a pretty big waste of time until things actually change within the story. [Matthew says: Apparently there’s a much-discussed completely different ending. We’ll be judging the “ending” part AND the “completely” part.] I’ve been reading the first chapter side-by-side and honestly a few word choices are different so far, and while that’s kind of interesting and I’ll discuss it [Matthew says: I took MANY NOTES then realized I was only on page 2], we’re not going to waste time summarizing the plot the same exact book and quoting the same exact lines in two separate posts. We’ll totally compare the two as we go along, but again, no dedicated chapters to Twilight.

Also, despite the fact that we are at risk of vampire/vamypre overload, we’re going to go ahead and start the next House of Night given people were like, “HELL YEAH START THE NEXT ONE.” We’re still planning on doing Left Behind and potentially Maze Runner in the future, so all hope is not lost for those of you who voted for those. [Matthew says: We can debate which book has WORSE vampires! I assume you’re already more terrified than you were during the entirety of Chicken, Chicken.]

SO GET FRIGGEN PUMPED FOR TOMORROW’S FIRST LIFE AND DEATH POST, YA’LL!!!! 

I noticed this tragedy today when I was looking into this year’s Goodreads Choice Awards:

The only books on my reading list that appear anywhere on Goodreads Choice Awards 2015 are those pieces of crap! I went on the romance list to find out what else I could vote for instead only to find THIS:

THE MADNESS NEVER ENDS.

Although, part of me is just really fucking upset that we haven’t gotten a chance to read this book yet. I just want to read more Jamie Mcguire, Matthew, WHY ARE WE DOING OTHER THINGS.

Anyway, because these are apparently the only three books I’m actually familiar with in the whole friggen choice awards[1], I thought it would be a really heartwarming thing to have our own awards ceremony with these three books:

[1]: Okay I am familiar with Mindy Kaling’s book in the humor section, but I haven’t gotten to read it yet…MUCH LIKE BEAUTIFUL REDEMPTION, damnit.

I’m curious what everyone thinks of the Goodreads Choice Awards this year, so if you want to share what you’re voting for, which books you can’t believe were nominated, or which of the nominated books I should actually read (for pleasure, not business), let me know!

What is this, you ask? Two posts on a Thursday? AND we had two posts yesterday (if you’ve missed them, you can see our plans for reading Life and Death and some polls about the Goodreads Choice Awards)!

Basically we really wanted to write about Meyer’s letter to the readers and her forward, but we didn’t want it to make our posts on the first few chapters even longer. So here’s an entire post about the foreword. Just the foreword. You’re welcome.

Ariel says:

I only have one thing to note about her letter, but it made me furious:

To celebrate this milestone, I’ve created some new bonus material to add to your enjoyment of the world of Twilight. (In typical Stephenie Meyer form, the bonus material is actually longer than Twilight.)

I have loved a lot of books in my life, but I have never been in pain or gnashed my teeth because I wasn’t getting the same story from someone else’s point of view. Like I already know Edward was conflicted about Bella and tried to stay away. I already know he watched her when she slept and probably thought thoughts about that. Even if I loved Twilight to bits and pieces, I don’t get why people give so much of a shit? If Meyer is apologizing that the gender-swap doesn’t have a lot of new material… well neither would Midnight Sun, really.

A very short time ago, my agent approached me and asked if there was anything I could do for the tenth-anniversary rerelease of Twilight. The publisher was looking for a foreword of some kind, a “happy anniversary” letter thing. It seemed… well, to be honest, really boring. What could I say that would be fun and exciting? Nothing. So I thought about other things I could do, and if it makes you feel better, Midnight Sun did come up. The problem was time—as in, there wasn’t any. Certainly not enough to write a novel, or even half of one.

If EL James could throw together Grey, I presume while she was sitting on the toilet, than you could have put together Midnight Sun within ten fucking years, Meyer. Think of better excuses.

Anyway, the most important things to keep in mind are what Meyer said she changes in the book:

• 5% of the changes I made were because Beau is a boy.

• 5% of the changes were because Beau’s personality developed just slightly differently than Bella’s. The biggest variations are that he’s more OCD, he’s not nearly so flowery with his words and thoughts, and he’s not as angry—he’s totally missing the chip Bella carries around on her shoulder all the time.

I don’t remember this chip Bella supposedly carries at all…please remind me if you remember?

• 70% of the changes I made were because I was allowed to do a new editing run ten years later. I got to fix almost every word that has bothered me since the book was printed, and it was glorious.

What the fuck! THIS IS NOT A CONTROLLED EXPERIMENT THEN, DUDE. If you are trying to prove to us that all the accusations about Twilight being sexist are false by gender-swapping it and keeping the story the same, than this just completely fucks with this. Are the changes because you’re trying to make things sound better or because of the gender-swap? NOT COOL.

• 10% were things that I wished I had done the first time around but that hadn’t occurred to me at the time. That might sound like the same thing as the preceding category, but it’s slightly different. This isn’t a case of a word that sounds clunky or awkward. This is an idea that I wish had been explored earlier, or conversations that should have happened but didn’t.

Okay, cool, but then don’t try to act like this is definitive proof that things would have been the same without the gender-swap. Just don’t make that claim.

• 5% were mythology issues—mistakes, actually—mostly related to visions. As I continued into the sequels to Twilight—and even Midnight Sun, where I got to look inside Alice’s head with Edward—the way Alice’s visions worked was refined. It’s more mystical in Twilight, and looking at it now, there are ways she should have been involved and wasn’t. Whoops!

See above.

This comes into play a lot in the first couple chapters and I imagine will continue to do so throughout. What do you guys think about this? Is it fair? Unfair?

Matthew says:

Ariel makes a good point about controlled experiments that really appeal to the half of me that was a biology major back in college, but I’m kind of not as bothered about the same specific parts that she is. I guess let Meyer tweak some content that she’s felt less than great about in the ten years since she wrote it? Fair enough. I despise stuff I wrote like three years ago. So, sure, why not.

But here’s the part of the foreword where I did start groaning loudly and then had to explain to my friends in the coffee shop we were in what exactly I was working on. As you know, Stephanie Meyer takes some time to spell out that this rewrite literally only exists because of a decade of people telling her that her book is sorta regressive and full of systemic sexism.

You know, Bella has always gotten a lot of censure for getting rescued on multiple occasions, and people have complained about her being a typical damsel in distress. My answer to that has always been that Bella is a human in distress

I mean, in terms of well-founded arguments, this is basically the vampire young adult version of that person in every comment section on the internet going, “The problem with feminism is that it should really be humanism!”, like the fact that a thing is applicable to everyone somehow negates that it disproportionately affects specific demographics of people. But then again, it is just a silly book about teenagers and love and also supernatural escapism. How flawed could this theory be, really?

I’ve always maintained that it would have made no difference if the human were male and the vampire female— it’s still the same story. Gender and species aside, Twilight has always been a story about the magic and obsession and frenzy of first love.
So I thought to myself, Well, what if I put that theory to the test? That might be fun. […] It turns out that there isn’t much difference at all between a female human in love with a male vampire and a male human in love with a female vampire.

And one would hope. And it would be lovely to draw the conclusion that the way we love ultimately isn’t gendered. But, of course, Meyer immediately (and unconsciously) reveals that she doesn’t really believe this.

There are many more changes in the writing than were necessitated by Beau’s status as a male person

But… but… literally everything you just wrote!

• 5% of the changes I made were because Beau is a boy.
• 5% of the changes were because Beau’s personality developed just slightly differently than Bella’s. The biggest variations are that he’s more OCD, he’s not nearly so flowery with his words and thoughts, and he’s not as angry

What just happened? There’s a foreword where Stephanie Meyer all but goes, “Here is Twilight, but with the genders swapped, to prove that this is the same story regardless of gender constructs”. BUT THEN she goes on to explain that she made changes to the story because she swapped the genders. So. Uh. The… The entire thesis – the entire point – is negated. From page one.

In other words, Life and Death is trying to be the picture on the right, but somehow still thinks it looks like the picture on the left.

So now that we’ve spent 1400 words talking about just the foreword, let us go to chapter one of Twilight: Life and Death.

Oh my god, it’s sort of Twilight, ya’ll…So I realized that my thoughts on the freaking forward to this book were going to overwhelm this post, so I just broke all the rules and gave it its own post. In case you haven’t seen it, here on my thoughts on the Life and Death foreword.

The preface is barely worth mentioning and exactly the same as the one in Twilight. A “hunter” is approaching, the narrator of the scene feels he or she is about to die. IF ONLY HE OR SHE HAD NOT COME TO FORKS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Life and Death Chapter 1: First Sight

It is January 17th, 2015. Let’s timeline the shit out of this book.

This chapter sets the scene for the adventures to come. Beau/Bella/Ana/gender-swapped-Ana-probably-Banana is reluctantly moving from Arizona, where he lives with his mom, to a small town in Seattle (good old Forks!) where he’ll live with his dad.

The two main things the gender-swap brought to the start of this chapter were some changes in word choice. Now, as you learned from my post about the foreword, Meyer said she’s improved word choices and cleaned up the writing, but she also changed things based on the gender-swap.

1. Beau wears a Monty Python t-shirt, which Bella wasn’t wearing. So I guess Monty Python = FOR BOYZ.
2. Bella isn’t “allowed” to call her dad Charlie to his face, while Beau “isn’t supposed to.” I feel like this was probably an accident, but what an accurate, spot-on change.

What’s very strange is that I got this awful sense of deja vu while I was reading the first couple chapters. Back in the day when I first read Twilight, I distinctly remember thinking, “This actually isn’t so bad…I could get into this.” And here reading it again I’m lulled into that same false sense of security. It’s a little too verbose and overly-detailed for my liking, but it’s not bad writing at all! I started to worry we’d made a huge mistake going into this, and that actually we’d been wrong all along and this is Not a Bad Book, Abort Mission situation.

Then another memory came to my mind of when I tried to start the second book and hated it so much I couldn’t read past the first couple of chapters. So clearly something happens along the way, and I can’t remember when or how or why, but I know it’s bad! But not that bad…yet.

Beau, like Bella, is clumsy:

My foot caught on the lip of the exit door and the bag swung out and hit the guy trying to get in.

“Oh, sorry.”

The guy wasn’t much older than me, and he was a lot shorter, but he stepped up to my chest with his chin raised high. I could see tattoos on both sides of his neck. A small woman with hair dyed solid black stared menacingly at me from his other side.

“Sorry?” she repeated, like my apology had been offensive somehow.

“Er, yeah?”

Luckily Charlie is a cop, so he just uses the power of being a police officer to diffuse the situation with his facial expressions/uniform.

At Charlie’s house, Beau sees the old truck that Charlie’s gotten for him. I think it’s from Jacob’s gender-swapped parents. Beau is super into the truck. So Is Bella. Gender matters not here, folks. Things do get a lil’ different when Beau/Bella talk about how they’re gonna be the new kid at school and everyone will talk about them because they’re from a city and this is a small town where everyone knows each other already.

Maybe if I had been one of the cool kids, I could make this work for me. Come in all popular, homecoming king–styles [sic, but maybe it’s just my copy of the book…?]. But there was no hiding the fact that I was not that guy—not the football star, not the class president, not the bad boy on the motorcycle. I was the kid who looked like he should be good at basketball, until I started walking. The kid who got shoved into lockers until I’d suddenly shot up eight inches sophomore year. The kid who was too quiet and too pale, who didn’t know anything about gaming or cars or baseball statistics or anything else I was supposed to be into.

I’m glad to see that being a completely empty void of nothing does not depend on whether your were born male or female. At least I’m remembering now why I don’t like this book.

Unlike the other guys, I didn’t have a ton of free time for hobbies. I had a checkbook to balance, a clogged drain to snake, and a week’s groceries to shop for.

I’m sorry but I’m an adult human who has to do all of those things and I work, run a blog, watch television, read books for both for pleasure and for learning. I totally appreciate the point that Beau was taking care of the house and shouldn’t have had to, but these are all things you could do for a few hours on the weekend. YOU COULD ALSO HAVE LIKE ONE INTEREST. Even if that interest is cutting coupons to find the best deal for said groceries. Just something. Anything.

Beau – and also Bella in her story – talks more about how he can’t really relate to people let alone people his age, which fair enough. Detailed accounts of trying to sleep, eating breakfast the next morning and heading to school follow. Then there is a gender-swapped secretary at the high school. So progressive!

“Of course,” he said. He dug through a leaning stack of papers on his desk till he found the ones he was looking for. “I have your schedule right here, Beaufort, and a map of the school.” He brought several sheets to the counter to show me.

“Um, it’s Beau, please.”

“Oh, sure, Beau.”

But like, Beau is actually a name…is Beaufort even a name? Stop it!

We get the titular line!

Seriously, though, this wasn’t a life and death situation—it was just high school. It’s not like anyone was going to bite me. I finally exhaled, and stepped out of the truck.

But it IS life and death because that’s the title. Know that.

In class, everyone stares, and we meet new potential pal Erica. Can you believe this is a gender-swapped Eric? Almost unrecognisable! No matter what gender you are, you can still offer to show someone how to get to their next class. Know that too.

“You don’t look very tan.”

“My mother is part albino.”

She studied my face uneasily, and I stifled a groan. It looked like clouds and a sense of humor didn’t mix. A few months of this and I’d forget how to use sarcasm.

Or maybe she thinks you’re an idiot because you can’t be part albino? I understood Beau was being sarcastic and I wasn’t like slapping my knee, going, “What a sense of humor this lad has!”

At lunch, Beau sits with people because everyone is basically like, “You, sir, are the new star of the school.” What is really weird is in Life and Death, Erica waves and everyone laughs. Beau says they’re laughing in a friendly way, but he’s the butt of the joke…but in Twilight when Eric waves no one laughs at Bella? I don’t get it. I could equally have seen everyone laugh or not laugh in both situations, why was this the gender-specific thing to tweak in the scenario?

More importantly, this is when the first vampire sighting occurs. It feels really nice to write “vampire” instead of “vampyre’, let me tell you. We get like pages and pages of descriptions, but all you really need to know is that they’re gender-swapped. So now Edward is a girl, so there’s three girl-vampires and only two boy-vampires. That’s how gender-swaps and math work together as one.

Though we don’t even know her name yet Edward/Edith is perfect. What is super weird is that Beau goes on about how perfect Edith is for awhile, whereas Bella barely mentions it. Meyer’s decisions continue to baffle me. She’s said Beau is less flowery than Bella, but this seems untrue here.

I barely remember the original Cullens, but I remember Christian Grey’s family + Kate and her brother, so essentially I remember the original Cullens. Here they are anew:

He muttered his answer under his breath. “Those are the Cullens and the Hales. Edith and Eleanor Cullen, Jessamine and Royal Hale. The one who left was Archie Cullen. They live with Dr. Cullen and her husband.”

Beau points out they they are all very attractive.

“Yeah!” Jeremy agreed with another laugh. “They’re all together, though—Royal and Eleanor, Archie and Jessamine. Like dating, you know? And they live together.” He snickered and wagged his eyebrows suggestively.

Yes, I remember this. Edward/Edith is the odd one out. Maybe it’s been ten years since you read Twilight or maybe this is your first taste of it, so here’s how this plays out in the original:

“Yes!” Jessica agreed with another giggle. “They’re all together though — Emmett and Rosalie, and Jasper and Alice, I mean. And they live together.” Her voice held all the shock and condemnation of the small town, I thought critically. But, if I was being honest, I had to admit that even in Phoenix, it would cause gossip.

If I’m being honest, so far most of Meyer’s changes feel like they’re playing into stereotypes. Oh so a gender-swapped detail-giver would be slightly more judgemental? Or only Bella would recognize that in in Phoenix people would gossip about these circumstances?

They’re all foster kids. Totally normal foster kids that are not at all vampires, and they only moved to Forks a couple years ago, which is why Beau/Bella has never seen them before.

Beau sits next to Edith in Biology and she glares at him a lot and tries to move away from him…almost like he smells bad. But as we all already know, it’s really because Beau smells so good. Sorry I’ve spoiled such a great twist for the two of you who somehow don’t know this.

Imagine this, but gender-swapped

Yup, this is a thing that’s happening!

I’m in denial too! It’s cool!

Just in case you missed it, Ariel and I wrote a whole post just about the foreword, which you should definitely read first. Especially my last paragraph:

There’s a foreword where Stephanie Meyer all but goes, “Here is Twilight, but with the genders swapped, to prove that this is the same story regardless of gender constructs”. BUT THEN she goes on to explain that she made changes to the story because she swapped the genders. So. Uh. The… The entire thesis – the entire point – is negated. From page one.

Because it covers a lot important groundwork for why I’m saying that when I’m writing about Life and Death, there are really two things that we’re talking about:

1. Twilight, the story. Especially for those who don’t know it. (We read bad books so you don’t have to!)
2. The gender swap, which invariably means we’re talking about gender.

And with those two points, I’m 99% sure that the last thing the internet needs is another dude criticizing Twilight, especially a straight, cis dude talking about gender in Twilight. So I’m going to do my best to make sure I’m pulling in thinkers who aren’t me as I write about this to make sure I stay on track. Which is a good time for me to realize that even though I’ve recommended Roxane Gay’s Bad Feminist to like a kajillion people over the past year, I’ve had Emer O’Toole’s Girls Will Be Girls and Laurie Penny’s Unspeakable Things sitting on my bookshelf for a little while now, and should really get on those.

ANYWAY. I’m gonna read Life and Death! After what has apparently been a whole decade of the universe shitting on Twilight, how bad could this possibly be?

Life and Death Chapter 3: Phenomenon

When I opened my eyes in the morning, something was different.
It was the light.

Oh, motherf-

Soooooo this brings up another good point about our Life and Death reading: everybody already knows about Twilight. So we’re not going to be all thorough and chapter-by-chapter, which means I’m free to skim along and skip all the especially pointless bits of filler. Like how Beau has spent roughly 80% of our page count thinking about how hot and mysterious Edythe is.

I was well aware that my league and her league were spheres that did not touch. I was already worried that just looking at her face was giving me unrealistic expectations that would haunt me for the rest of my life.

So this is my first actual experience reading/watching/anythinging Twilight, which is interesting after seeing it spread from person to person back in high school with a feverishness typically reserved for mono. And I can kinda see it. I’m vaguely intrigued by Edythe so far, although that’s possibly just because I’ve been told she’s unbelievably attractive, which has some draw to it.

Beau drives his truck to school with no trouble despite the roads being coated with snow and ice. When he gets to school, he realizes that his father, Charlie, had woken up early and put chains on his tires.

That wasn’t the way it was supposed to work. I probably should have been the one to think about putting chains on his tires, if I could figure out how to do that. Or at least I should have helped him with the chore. It wasn’t his job…
Except that, actually, it kind of was. He was the parent. He was taking care of me, his son.

It occurs to me that this – a father-son relationship vs a father-daughter relationship – could actually be a fairly interesting point of focus for the gender swap, especially right here where we have a fairly coded thing (boys like cars!) playing out the same way in both stories. Unless… wait, suddenly I have no faith in that. Let’s check if this is totally different in Twilight because cars are coded as a “boy thing” and therefore it wouldn’t even occur to Bella to actually do…

My throat suddenly felt tight. I wasn’t used to being taken care of, and Charlie’s unspoken concern caught me by surprise.

Yup. That’s exactly what happens. This might seem like a silly point to focus on, but do consider how now that there’s a penis involved, fucking snow tires have to be handled differently. Hell, boy-Beau even has a “That wasn’t the way it’s supposed to work”, like an ill-fitting, self-aware nod that girl-Bella’s story is a super weird thing to happen to him because boys being saved and cared for? Whaaaaaa? Bella the girl is now Beau the boy, so therefore he gets to assume more agency in his safety, insofar as VROOM VROOM CARS.

To be fair, it’s not like there isn’t value in pointing out that these social constructs exist and so it’s worth considering if it’s okay if something simply makes us think about the different ways society tells us to live in it. But on the other hand, VROOM VROOM.

So despite Meyer’s “she’s a human in distress” insistence in the foreword, we’re already at an uneven damsel in distress count, and we haven’t even had any actual distress yet. That’s not promising. Anyway, distress:

It was a high-pitched screech, and it was fast becoming painfully loud. I looked up, startled.
I saw several things simultaneously.

PRO WRITING TIP: You are allowed to simply write “a car was coming towards me”.

Beau spots Edythe from the other end of the parking lot, one of many faces looking on in horror as a van skids across the icy parking lot towards him. All seems hopeless, until suddenly (did I mention mysteriously?), Edythe is at his side, pulling him out of the way! They get pinned by the truck, which Edythe even has to hold up her hands and stop.

But, wait, people can’t stop moving cars with their hands, you might ask. And right you are to do so! Because Beau also spends the next 7 kajillion pages trying to ask Edythe about this as well. This definitely happened in Twilight too, but if there are any moments of unintentional comedy to be gained from the gender swap, having this interaction turn into a high school boy constantly badgering a girl about the same nonsensical question over and over again is probably one of those moments.

Beau, Edythe, and Taylor (who was in the out-of-control car) are taken to the hospital, but quickly turn out to be pretty much okay after examination by Edythe’s own mother, Dr. Dullen. After being discharged and trying again in vain to get Edythe to explain the apparent supernatural phenomena, Beau comes to the conclusion that if Edythe doesn’t want to talk about it, then she should have let him just get killed by the car. Somehow.

If Meyer’s entire Foreword was just “Hey, teenagers are idiots”, I’d be like 90% less critical right now.

Beau also has to call his mom to reassure her that he’s ok.

My mom was in hysterics, of course.

I like how in her experiment to prove that her story doesn’t perpetuate regressive gender norms, Meyer left the genders of the parent characters the same so hysterical mom is still hysterical mom. A+ social commentary right there.

Life and Death Chapter 4: Invitations

For the next month, Beau has a recurring dream where he chases after Edythe and also heavy-handed symbolism.

In my dream it was very dark, and what dim light there was seemed to be radiating from Edythe’s skin. […] No matter how fast I ran, I couldn’t catch up to her […] she was in my dreams nearly every night, but always on the edges, never within reach.

Not much to report about how this is different from Bella’s perspective in Twilight. She says “periphery” instead of “edges”. Because boys don’t use flowery language, you know. Write this down.

As the month goes on, Edythe continues to ignore Beau, and the spring dance (the turnabout/Sadie Hawkins/girl-asks-guy dance) approaches. Despite Beau’s total outcast 4ever status, just about all of the women that he knows ask him to the dance over the course of the chapter:

1. McKayla asks Beau (nervously! taking a deep breath!) before their biology class
2. Erica asks Beau (uncomfortably! face down, hiding behind her black hair!) later in the day
3. After school, stuck behind Edythe’s (ugh, Edythe!) car in the parking lot, Taylor asks Beau (grinning!), who gets turned down, but then goes (unfazed!) “That’s cool. We still have prom.” Taylor, you scoundrel!

Beau tells all of them no, trying to let them down easy by saying he’ll be going to Seattle that day. But what’s weird about all of this is that Edythe is somehow mysteriously at each one of these incidents. But what’s actually weirder is how this plays out in comparison in the original Twilight, where it is still the girl-asks-guy dance, and yet…

1. Mike asks Bella (looking at the floor!), explaining that Jessica asked him to the dance, but he said he had to think about it (wtf, Mike?) and then asks Bella if she’s planning on asking him (WTF? MIKE?)
2. Eric asks Bella (uncomfortably! SHAMEFACED! [no word about whether or not he has hair]) if he would go to the spring dance with him. Bella points out that it’s girls’ choice. Eric says “Well, yeah”. Wow, Eric. You somehow benefited a lot from the gender swap.
3. After school, stuck behind Edward’s (ugh, Edward!) car in the parking lot, Tyler asks Bella (grinning!), who gets turned down, but then goes (ambiguously-fazed!) “That’s cool. We still have prom.” (How come this is the only one of the three that’s straight up copy-pasted, but reads the most differently between the two genders? Anyone else notice that?)

So… I gotta say boy-Beau gets off way easier than girl-Bella, y’all. It’s the girls-ask-guys dance and she still has three guys ask her to the dance somehow. Look how desirable girl-Bella is! All these men are prepared to break the rules to pursue her! Whereas in the gender swap, look how desirable boy-Beau is! All these women are… lining up to be turned down by him? Um. Okay, wait, suddenly it seems like gender-swap Twilight ISN’T saying that romantic pursuit behaves the same way even when the main character is a boy instead of a girl. Look, it feels weird to criticize the attempts at gender-equality of Life and Death by pulling up gender stereotypes, but it’s not like Twilight exists in a vacuum. Let’s talk toxic masculinity. Why is it that in either Twilight or in Life and Death, the characters that happen to be male are the ones that get to decide when the pursuit is through? (Not one guy who asks Bella out accepts her “no” the first time around. Only Taylor challenges Beau, but it’s hard to read the scene the same as when Tyler challenges Bella.)

Beau gets home and starts cooking dinner for himself and his dad. I’m super glad that Meyer had the sense to not change this one because of the gender swap, because can you imagine? “I got home from school and started BUILDING FURNITURE for myself and my dad.” Actually, wait, that would have been hilarious. I’m conflicted.

The next day before school, he runs into Edythe, who confesses that she purposefully caused the school parking lot traffic jam because Taylor “was figuratively dying for her chance at you”. Oh, Edythe, you cad.

Edythe and Beau talk again about whether or not they’re friends, and then Edythe offers to drive Beau up to Seattle. As much as I’m already irritated with their hot-and-cold routine, I got a genuine laugh out of parts of it:

“My truck is great, thanks.”
“Can your truck make it to Seattle on one tank of gas?” […]
“I don’t see how that’s your problem.”
“The wasting of finite resources is everyone’s problem,” she said primly.

So they agree to go to Seattle together, and to be friends.

fucking finally

We’re testing out a new feature where we give you the rundown on what you might have missed in our posts this week, or if you need a refresher before reading next week’s posts. Plus some misc links from around the web that might be of interest.

Sweet Valley High #2: Secrets

We wrapped up Sweet Valley High: Secrets this week, and if you missed the posts you can read how Enid got her groove back and how Jessica got her comeuppance…in a really creepy way.

Here are the main takeaways:

• Enid shows up at Ms. Dalton’s house to discuss her problems. In related news, Ms. Dalton does not know how to set healthy boundaries with her students.
• Ms. Dalton helps Enid realize she needs to talk to Elizabeth and attend the dance even though she doesn’t have a date. Enid helps Ms. Dalton realize she has to chaperone a school dance despite her rumoured affair with a student.
• George surprises Enid. He now dresses in a respectable fashion which demonstrates his inner changes in addition to his outward ones.
• Elizabeth has figured out Jessica has caused all this trouble. She seeks revenge.

• Elizabeth’s revenge is getting Jessica and none other than Winston nominated as homecoming queen and king. By high school law, this means they are an item. Elizabeth tries to get them to kiss? It’s not a great situation for anyone involved, really.
• Is Bruce interested in Jessica?? He looks at her in a certain way that may or may not be significant. What a spectacular cliffhanger!

Life and Death (AKA GENDER-SWAPPED TWILIGHT!!!!):

We started reading Life and Death, and it seems like people are into it, which is exciting. Read our thoughts on Meyer’s foreword (because that deserved a post of its own), meet Beau/Bella/Ana/Banana and watch as sexism ends once and for all when a girl saves a boy from imminent danger.

Here’s what you need to know for next week:

• Beau who is also Bella does not have gender-swapped parents. I’m sure most of us have never had everyone in our lives go through a gender-swap, so this is relatable.
• Beau goes to live with his father in Forks, a small town in Seattle. It rains a lot.
• Even though everyone immediately loves Beau (and Bella), in both books they are awkward, clumsy, lonely outcasts.
• Edythe is a beautiful girl. Beau thought her named was spelled ‘Edith’ but he was wrong, and we got that all sorted out.
• In biology class, sometimes Edythe glares at Beau, but sometimes she is nice and wants to know everything about him even though he is an empty, cardboard box.
• Lots of glaring and intense looks.

• Science.
• Everyone asks Outcast Beau to the upcoming dance. He turns them down as Edythe looks on.
• Beau is almost hit by a car, but is saved by Edythe who broke the laws of time and space to save him somehow. Sexism is a thing of the past.
• They agree to go to Seattle together instead of the dance. They agree to let this friendship blossom.

Bonus Posts:

Yes, these actually happened this week!

We wrote about the Romance category on the Goodreads Choice Awards 2015. We also gave an overview of how we’re going to be approaching our reading of Life and Death. 

House of Night #4: Untamed:

We start this on Monday. Cries of joy are heard around the world.

Things you might want to check out:

• The Oatmeal has a new comic geared towards those of us who have realized that going out is actually terrible.
• You should check out the “rants, ramblings and regrets” of Fattymccupcakes because they are fantastic.
• You may have already seen our beloved E.H. Taylor’s bargain book reviews, but in case you missed it, they’re super useful. BUYING CHEAP E-BOOKS ADDS UP OKAY? STOP JUDGING ME FOR WASTING SO MUCH MONEY ON THE CRAP ONES.
• Yay Canada! Your Prime Minister seems cool.
• It’s worth noting that until Nov 8th, you can get 20% off orders from our store. So if you like mugs and tote bags that other people probably won’t understand, we’re your guys.

Let us know if you enjoyed this feature and if you’d like to see more like it in the future. It was really fun to put together, so we’ll test it out for a few weeks to see how it goes and if you guys are liking it.