Matthew Watches The Room #8: Scotchka

After a transition where we see Johnny pull into his driveway, park the car, and also get to see a bus go by (For… development? Mise-en-scène!), Johnny enters his home where Lisa is waiting. An ominous soundtrack plays, as Johnny even more ominously greets Lisa with another “Hi, babe.” He then gives her the dozen red roses he was apparently trying to hide behind his back.

Which somehow he manages to do without noticing the roses.

Lisa asks Johnny if he got his promotion and he responds with a dejected “Nah” and forlornly sits on the couch. Lisa walks over (as… ghost noises join the soundtrack? I don’t even know) and sits down to console him.

Lisa: You didn’t get it, did you?

Um, right, he just told you.

Johnny: That son of a bitch told me I would get it in three months! I saved them bundles! They’re crazy! I don’t think I will ever get it! They betray me, they didn’t keep their promise, they trick me, and I don’t care anymore.
Lisa: Did you tell them how much you saved them?
Johnny: Of course! What do you think? They already put my ideas into practice! (Casual reminder that Tommy Wiseau’s overdubbed dialogue is – once again – out of sync, so picture that)
Johnny: The bank saves money, and they are using me, and I am the fool.

Somehow it actually gets sadder than this.

Lisa: I still love you.
Johnny: You’re the only one who does.

Ouch. Don’t tell Mark. You might have heard that you’re his best friend?

Lisa: At least you have friends. I didn’t get any calls today. You’re right. The computer business is too competitive.

The… what? The computer business? Is that Lisa’s job? When is she ever doing this? What would she be doing? What exactly does the working-from-home computer business entail? This one line is the only reference to what Lisa (or any character, who is not Johnny or Peter) does for a living in the entire movie. I didn’t catch this line until my third time watching this movie. Just imagine how much that revelation opened up the film for me.

Furthermore, what does her slow day at work have to do with Johnny at least having friends? This does not seem like a logical direction for the conversation to go in?

There is – I would say “somehow”, but you’re probably getting used to this by now – an even more baffling exchange:

Lisa: Do you want me to order a pizza?
Johnny: Whatever. I don’t care.
Lisa: (smiling) I already ordered a pizza.
Johnny: (laughs) You think about everything. (laughs)

But… then… why… Ugh. Whatever. You two enjoy your pesto-Canadian bacon-anchovie pizza, then let’s see if you still think Lisa thinks about everything.

Lisa determines that Johnny needs a drink. Johnny laughs, because Lisa knows that he doesn’t drink! As Lisa reenters the room with two glasses of scotch and a bottle of Smirnoff, we just might understand why he doesn’t drink.

Lisa returns to the room carrying two rocks glasses full of scotch, as well as what is unmistakeably a bottle of Smirnoff. This does not bode well.

Yep. Definitely a rocks glass that already has a drink in it. Definitely scotch-colored enough where we can assume this is a glass of scotch. Nothing else is required here.

Lisa opens the… wait, what are you doing.

OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING

Johnny stares forlornly into the glass, which ironically carries more genuine severity than Tommy Wiseau even intended because OH MY GOD THAT GLASS CONTAINS SCOTCH AND VODKA. THAT IS NOT A DRINK. How did this happen?! It’s like Tommy Wiseau couldn’t decide between a shot of Lisa walking into the room with two prepared drinks and a shot of Lisa pouring the drinks in the room, and just decided, “What the hell. Let’s have both.” without realizing that this doesn’t make sense. Because that is scotch and vodka. That is the drink. It is scotch and vodka.

Lisa: Don’t worry about it! It’s good for you!

THAT IS THE MOST FALSE STATEMENT

Johnny: (Puts glass down) You must be crazy. I can’t drink this.

Yes. Yes, because “this” is scotch and vodka, I really cannot emphasize this enough.

Lisa picks Johnny’s glass and puts it back in his hands, smiling and seductively telling him, “If you love me, you’ll drink this.” On the one hand, props to Tommy Wiseau for writing the movie’s first plausible line of dialogue that develops Lisa’s manipulative character. On the other hand, that is a glass of scotch and vodka what are you doing that is not a drink

Lisa makes Johnny take a sip of what we’re just going to refer to as “scotchka”. The alcohol begins to hit as a dawning smile of blissful escape washes over Johnny’s face.

…or something

Johnny – apparently already shitfaced – groggily mutters to Lisa, “You’re right… it tastes good”, which might be a good time to point out that that is scotch and vodka. No it doesn’t. Lisa tells Johnny to forget about his problems at work and that they should just drink and have some fun.

This, you see, is where the party gets started.

As can be observed by the necktie-as-headband.

They chug glasses of straight Smirnoff (it’s a bad sign when that sounds like an improvement), Johnny starts spilling vodka all over himself (what), then drops the glass and it loudly shatters off screen (whaaat), and then… drunken sexy talk:

Johnny: You have nice legs, Lisa.
Lisa: (laughing) You have nice pecs!

…why not?

Johnny: I’m tired! I’m wasted! I love you, darling!

What says “I love you” better than prefacing it with your state of exhaustion and inebriation?

Lisa asks Johnny to make love to her, to which he… moans in disgust? Exhaustion? Really? He went from “I’m wasted! I love you!” to “Ugh, tonight? I have a headache.” in like a second. Although it’s not as weird (again) as Lisa’s reaction:

Lisa: Come on. You owe me one!

What the fuck kind of barter system do these two have going on?

They sit down on the couch, declare their love for each other, and then – and this is going to sound like I’m making it up, but it’s actually what happens – they make out as Lisa tears off Johnny’s shirt, buttons flying everywhere.

This would have been a great moment to know how to make gifs.

Also, did you notice that their pizza definitely did not have any of the toppings Lisa ordered on it? It was supposed to be pesto, Canadian bacon, and anchovies. We would probably have noticed that.