I have a cold. I’m seriously considering taking advantage of my z-list internet celebrity status from this blog and starting a Kickstarter to get more Kleenex.
Chapter Thirteen
The last chapter ended with Christian surprising Ana with a trip to his house in Aspen with all of her friends! Except Jose. Nobody likes Jose.
We land smoothly at Sardy Field at 12:25 p.m. (MST).
Just in case you’re still reading this novel on pacific time, James has included this helpful reminder that the events of the story are now taking place one hour ahead! The sense of immersion is flawless!
“Good landing.” Christian grins and shakes Stephan’s hand as we get ready to file out of the jet.
“It’s all about the density altitude, sir.” Stephan smiles back. “Beighley here is good at math.”
Christian nods at Stephan’s first officer. “You nailed it, Beighley. Smooth landing.”
“Thank you, sir.” She grins smugly.
Okay, why the hell is any of this here? Why would we possibly believe that Christian would possibly care about an explanation of how pilots land planes by doing math about density altitude? Much less why would we care? Except it actually makes complete sense why James would include this seemingly irrelevant passage, because it shows that 1) Christian is actually a nice person who takes interest in people YAY, and 2) people – especially lady people – think highly of him and get all giggly when Christian SexPants Grey compliment them. It’s a shame that these efforts have already sounded forced for the past 1200ish pages.
The faces I’m making at this book, but from more attractive people.
Ana starts feeling bad because she feels like she’s taking advantage of Christian’s wealth and has done nothing to get it. Which happens every five chapters or so before the matter is dropped again, so I guess this is going to be a recurring theme in this chapter.
Once again I’m overwhelmed by the wealth. How much did this place cost? And I have contributed nothing to it. Briefly I’m transported back to the first time Christian took me to Escala. I was overwhelmed then. You got used to it, my subconscious hisses at me.
Ana has problems (aside from being schizophrenic and thinking it’s her subconscious), but Kate has problems of her own! Remember Kate? She’s a character.
Kate is quiet, and I wonder if she’s brooding about Jack Hyde or something else. Then I remember. Aspen … Christian’s house here was redesigned by Gia Matteo and rebuilt by Elliot. I wonder if that’s what’s preoccupying Kate. I can’t ask her in front of Elliot, given his history with Gia. Does Kate even know about Gia’s connection to the house?
Ana talks to Christian about her problems accepting his wealth as her own but this happens all the time and it’s boring.
“When are you going to get it through your exceptionally thick skull that I love you?” I ask, exasperated.
He swallows. “One day,” he says.
This is progress.
That’s not fucking progress! You have had this exact same exchange before. Jesus, you two suck. Let’s see what’s up with Kate.
Outside, rain has started pouring down. [...] “There goes our hike,” Elliot mutters, sounding vaguely relieved. Kate scowls at him. Something is definitely up with them. They have been relaxed with all of us but not with each other.
Whoa! Guys. Something’s up with Kate and Elliot. This is probably the first time in 1200 pages that the plot hasn’t been driven by something being up with Christian and Ana! This is crazy.
This is so crazy I’m going to pretend “Call Me Maybe” jokes are still funny.
They decide that since they can’t hike they’re going to conform to traditional gender roles.
Mia claps her hands. “Girls, shopping—boys, outdoor boring stuff.”
Ana, Kate, and Mia go out shopping. Ana is encouraged to buy a dress but it’s expensive and she’s uncomfortable with Christian’s money BLAH BLAH BORING what’s up with Kate and Elliot?
Through the boutique window I’m distracted by the sight of Elliot [...] with a woman. Fuck! He’s talking to Gia! What the hell is she doing here?
Ana sees Elliot kiss Gia on the cheek! Holy cow! But Elliot’s with Kate! What are you going to do, Ana and/or Ana’s subconscious?
Should I tell Kate? My subconscious firmly shakes her head. Yes, I should tell her. No, I shouldn’t. It could just have been an innocent meeting. Shit. What should I do?
Okay, see, Ana, this is why I get excited about literally anything that happens in the novel that doesn’t involve you. Let’s go back to Kate’s problems!
“Elliot has just been a little distant lately [...] “I really like him, Ana,” she whispers. And for one dreadful minute I think she’s going to cry. This is not like Kate. Does this mean the return of the pink pajamas? She turns to me.
“I’ve fallen in love with him. At first I thought it was just the great sex. But he’s charming and kind and warm and funny. I could see us growing old together—you know … kids, grandkids—the works.”
Look, even I don’t remember what the fucking pink pajamas are and I’ve spent a couple hours a week writing about these books for almost a whole year.
Maybe you shouldn’t keep characters around only for when you run out of other problems to progress the plot, huh, E L James?
Ana tries to comfort Kate. Ana’s subconscious is like a poorly trained puppy or something?
“Maybe you should talk to him. Try to find some alone time here. Find out what’s eating him.”
Who’s eating him, my subconscious snarls. I slap her down, shocked at the waywardness of my own thoughts.
Man, it’s weird how I go a couple weeks without pointing out any of the strange things Ana’s subconscious does, and then suddenly I notice it again and it’s amazing that these books are so bad that E L James gets the subconscious confused with schizophrenia on a regular basis and I don’t even notice.
Then, at dinner, we have a POORLY WORDED PLOT TWIST.
Abruptly, Elliot startles us all by standing and pulling his chair back so it scrapes across the tile floor. All eyes turn to him. He gazes down at Kate for one moment then drops to one knee beside her.
Oh. My. God.
[...] “My beautiful Kate, I love you. Your grace, your beauty, and your fiery spirit have no equal, and you have captured my heart. Spend your life with me. Marry me.”
Then we have a CLIFFHANGER. Oh, also, Ana and Christian had sex a couple pages ago because that’s just filler by this point.
